Manners, Character and Young Girls

That certain feeling you get when a relative asks if that hot mess of a girl can move in with you. – “First, send your girl to visit briefly some good mother, whose children are now matured and perhaps gone from the home place. I know of one instance of an older mother of this class, who welcomes afternoon calls from young girls and who enjoys with them a delightful, chummny mother-and-daughter relation.”

Uplifting the Girl – She Needs the Acquaintance of Some Good Woman of Character Whose Example Will Be Beneficial

Do not take it for granted that your growing girl will learn from casual observation all she ought to know about the character of good women. Frills and superficialities are not suited to give your daughter even a glimpse into the wealth of sterling qualities which lie beneath and which constitute the substantial part of the character of all the better class of womankind. So long as a girl keeps her eye fixed on the fads and frills of society she will be unhappy, since these light things give satisfaction only for the passing moment. 

It is the deep, rich qualities of an earnest, reverent human personality which are best suited to inspire the young truth seeker and make her strong and willing in the face of her own duties. However, do not assume that your growing girl will learn from casual acquaintance and observation all she needs to know about the character and manners of good women, but plan definitely to have her come into close relationship with a few of the best of these, as follows: 

First, send your girl to visit briefly some good mother, whose children are now matured and perhaps gone from the home place. I know of one instance of an older mother of this class, who welcomes afternoon calls from young girls and who enjoys with them a delightful, chummny mother-and-daughter relation. She always sends her girl caller away greatly cheered, but much sobered and reflective upon the deeper affairs of life. Here, motherliness, the greatest force in womankind, may be seen doing one of its best forms of service. Now ask your girl to try to discern what makes her matronly hostess so attractive and lovable. Is it the garments she wears—and these should of course be well suited to such a worthy personality—or isn’t her affectionate trustful and open-hearted manners? Ask your daughter to find out how this goodly soul thinks, how she behaves toward others in general,  and how she regards life at large. 

Second, have your girl come close to the best accessible type of domestic-minded woman, and here learn some of the further laws governing a helpful and successful personality. How does this woman manage so well to hold a supremacy over her multitudinous household affairs ? How does she economize time in cooking, sewing, mending and the like, so as to keep all those matters evenly balanced? Such work is slowly killing many other women. Why is it not injuring this one? What is the secret of her serenity in the midst of possible confusion? 

What I especially wish your bright young girl to realize is this; The vanities and foibles of women are of very little consequence indeed, as compared with that abundant record of unselfish and self-sacrificing performances which so much more fittingly characterize the quieter hours of the ordinary good women of today. Bring these better things sharply to the attention of your daughter, give them a large place in her mind and heart, and she in turn win pass them on in service of the light-minded young girls who may look to her for a pattern in the years to come. – Dr. Wm. A. McKeever, Los Angeles Herald, 1919

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Manners Over Measurements

If an uninhibited friend unexpectedly wants to show you her newly augmented breasts, you may find yourself at a loss for words. It’s an odd scenario more common than you might think. It’s wise to be prepared on handling such cosmetic surgery scenarios with tact. On his blog, Little Rock Cosmetic Surgeon, Dr. Rhys Branman says: Women with newly augmented breasts are often proud of their new look and eager to show their results to a close friend or two. If she’s willing to share her experience and you want to hear more, feel free to ask questions. By making the first move, she has invited you to discuss—she will probably be happy to tell all. Don’t have time to talk about it all right then? She’ll probably be flattered if you suggest a later one-on-one conversation where you can get all the details. You think her actions are inappropriate and feel caught off guard. How do you keep calm and move on without a hitch? Dr. Branman says: It’s natural for you to blush at first glance, but beyond that, keep your cool. Say something that is supportive but neutral, such as, “I’m so happy you like your results,” and then move on to a new subject. Try to understand that your friend probably didn’t mean to make you feel weird—she’s just excited and wants to share what has likely been a positive, life-changing event for her.

Syndicated “Dear Dr. Steincrohn” on

“The Bust Problem” of 1962

I have received scores of letters from women during the past few months who were anxious to have plastic surgery for what they considered a deficiency in their bust measurements. Some were moderately unhappy, others almost hysterical. I included a few of their letters In this column. My purpose was to give readers the viewpoint of others faced with similar problems. Now comes the suggestion by a mere male. I think his views will give most women a mental uplift.

Dear Dr. Steincrohn: May I get into this discussion of breasts and busts? The average woman is conditioned by the success of well-known screen stars with oversized measurements. She quickly concludes that unless a woman has at least a 38-inch measurements she will have difficulty finding her man—or holding him, if she is already married. Every man has dated some women he thought were beautiful only to find that beauty, however adequate in terms of numbers, vanishes in completely vapid, unintelligent conversation, ill manners, and lack of sympathy and understanding. 

I think the average woman forgets that proportion and not numbers is the important consideration; and that being out of proportion is unattractive because it jars the vision. A short, fairly slender girl with a 40-inch bust is out of proportion and looks top-heavy. A tall, fairly rawboned girl with a 34-inch bust would also be out of proportion. To be attractive a woman must be well-proportioned and dress neatly and walk like a woman. In all her actions, which incude walk, talk, dress, manners, she must exude pride in being a woman. If she can do this and neither feel superior or inferior to a man, and be content to be his friend, partner, and lover, softly sympathetic and softly understanding, then measurements aside, she will find love, contentment, and happiness. Tape measures are for the wastebasket!—Mr. P.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Secret of Good Manners

“My girls will never get on without conventional manners. They shall be taught from babyhood, to emulate the speech and bearing of ladies. They shall be instructed in the proper behavior for every occasion. They shall walk and dance and write and speak with graceful perfection.”

Most mothers hold, consciously or unconsciously, one of two theories about children. One mother says: “Manners are only the outward sign of the inner nature. If my daughter has a kind heart and a well-trained mind she will behave in a gentle, charming fashion. I will teach her compassion, respect for age, unselfish zeal for helping with the world’s work. Her manners will take care of themselves.” Another mother says: “My girls will never get on without conventional manners. They shall be taught from babyhood, to emulate the speech and bearing of ladies. They shall be instructed in the proper behavior for every occasion. They shall walk and dance and write and speak with graceful perfection.” Neither method, says the Youth’s Companion, produces altogether satisfactory results. Unselfishness is truly the foundation of good manners, but not the superstructure. 

Many conventional restrictions have grown about social relations. Some can be explained by the demand of kindness and some can not. Could a child infer from his desire to help others, that he should not eat with his knife? Many offenses against good taste interfere in some way with the rights of others, but many others do not. Still, no set of rules to produce a polished lady, will achieve a result fit for the strain of life. The members of the French boarding school may adorn the ballroom, but are too likely to fail at the breakfast table or in the crowded car. The woman of perfect manners must re-enforce her unselfishness by social rules, and conventionality must be vitalized by the warm desire of others’ pleasure. The best of life never comes naturally, whether in manners or morals. The secret of charming manners is the desire for them. When the mother wishes them for her daughter as much is she wishes the other gods of the world, her daughter will have them. – San Pedro Daily News, 1907

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Exiting Vehicles

A test of whether she was born “in the purple...” In other words, a test to see whether she was born to the aristocracy or royalty, and used to riding in a carriage.

The Graceful Way for Women to Exit a Vehicle

The manner in which a woman leaves and enters her vehicle is advanced by some writer as a test of whether she was born “in the purple,” or at least accustomed to carriage life. 

Like tech etiquette today, automobile etiquette slowly evolved as more people could afford cars.

This authority says: “She should have one foot out and firmly set upon the carriage step before she relinquishes the sitting posture; then the body should follow easily and naturally. Nothing is more awkward than to see a woman thrust her head forth first, and then find herself forced to double herself up to accomplish the rest of the exit.

Watch one who knows how to gracefully sink her weight from one foot to the other almost without losing a perfectly perpendicular position, securing instantly a walking poise as she touches the ground, and the difference of her method and that of another who lands very nearly in a tumble on the sidewalk will be discernible.” –Los Angeles Herald, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor tor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Opera and Theatre Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen

It is correct for the young man to inquire if the young woman prefers a box, or, if not, he should state in what part of the house he proposes to secure seats. This will enable her to determine how to dress. 

Theatre

A young man may invite a young woman to the theatre or opera, even if he has but a slight acquaintance with her, but of course he should secure the permission of her parents or chaperone.

It is correct for the young man to inquire if the young woman prefers a box, or, if not, he should state in what part of the house he proposes to secure seats. This will enable her to determine how to dress.

If the young woman wears street toilette, her escort may take her in any public conveyance but if she wears evening dress, he should provide a carriage. At the theatre he should precede the woman down the aisle to the seat or box; but if it is the latter, he should open the door and wait for her to pass.

A man may use his judgment as to the aisle seat. If a better view can be had, or seemingly objectionable people are next the inside seat, it is perfectly proper to give the woman the aisle seat.

A man should never leave his companion
between the acts. The custom of both men and women going into the foyer at that time is a growing one, and is a relief to the audience.

Refreshments at some fashionable place may follow after the entertainment.

For a man to call on an acquaintance in an opera box does not relieve one of the duty of
making a formal call in return for social favors.

Bonnets

A woman of any consideration will either wear no bonnet at all or remove it as soon as the curtain is raised.

It would be in place for a man or woman whose view is hampered by a bonnet to politely ask the wearer to remove it, and when it is done, to thank her.

Men —Leaving Cards

After a theatre party given by a man, he should call within three days on the woman he escorted or leave his card.

Precedence

In entering a theatre a man precedes the women of his party, but after he has handed his coupons to the ushers he gives the women precedence, and follows them to their seats.

Talking

Conversation during the progress of the play or the opera should be avoided, and confined to the intermissions.

The theatre goer should avoid all noise, gestures or actions tending to annoy others or to render himself conspicuous.

A man would be justified, when annoyed by a person talking loud near him, in asking him politely to speak lower.

Conversation during the progress of the play or the opera should be avoided, and confined to the intermissions. 

Conversation during the progress of the play or the opera should be avoided, and confined to the intermissions.

Theatre and Opera Parties Given by Men

A man giving a theatre or opera party should secure one or more chaperones if women are to be present.

Calls

The host should call upon his guests within three days or a week after the event.

Carriages

The host may, if he choose, send carriages or a stage to collect all the guests. This is a formal and agreeable way to begin the evening's pleasure. 

The chaperone should be called for first. A more informal way is quite popular. The invitations having been given and accepted, the host informs each of his guests as to the others, and leaves a ticket with each one. All then meet
informally at the place of amusement. If a dinner is given before the entertainment,
carriages are provided to convey the guests to the theatre.

Chaperone

A chaperone should always be present if women are to be members of the party. And if a stage or carriage calls for the guests, it should call first for the chaperone.

The chaperone who acts as hostess should decide the hour to close the festivities.

Dinners

If a dinner is given before the performance, it is generally given at six o'clock, the usual customs being followed. If preferred, the dinner may follow the performance, and may be given at any fashionable restaurant or hotel.

If it is given before the play, at its termination the guests are conveyed in carriages or stage to the theatre at the expense of the host.

After the entertainment it is a good plan for the party to return to the banqueting-room to partake of slight refreshments.

A woman should avoid conspicuous manners, loud conversation, laughing, or acting in any way to attract attention. 

A woman should avoid conspicuous manners, loud conversation, laughing, or acting in any way to attract attention.

Dress

Men wear evening dress. Women wear full evening dress.

Invitations

He may invite his guests in person or by note. In either case he should secure the parents' permission to allow the young women to attend, and should be ready to supply all information regarding the men who will be present, and also the chaperones.

Men 

The escorts should see the women home unless they are called for by the male members of their families, in which case they may be accompanied to their conveyances. If a young woman is called for by her maid in a carriage, her escort may take her home.

Intimacy of the parties largely regulates the etiquette of such occasions. They can decide whether evening or street dress shall be worn, and seat themselves accordingly. A carriage should be provided.

When entering an opera or theatre box for a short call, a man should stand and bow, making some pleasant remark to the chaperone.

If there is an empty chair, he may sit and talk a few minutes and retire as others enter.

Women

Between the acts it is perfectly proper to go into the foyer with the escort, who should carry the woman's wraps and see that all her wants are attended to. Should she desire anything, she should call on him first.

The hat or bonnet should be removed.

In a box the women occupy the front row while the men sit or stand in the rear.

A woman should avoid conspicuous manners, loud conversation, laughing, or acting in any way to attract attention.

Given by Women 

This is a popular form of entertainment during the season. They are given by married women, and the guests are invited by note.

A dinner is given at the house or at a restaurant before the departure for the opera or play.

Refreshments may also be given after the
entertainment at either the house or restaurant.

At the dinner the same ceremonies are followed as to arrangements of guests and escorts as at any formal dinner.

After the entertainment it is a good plan for the party to return to the banqueting-room to partake of slight refreshments. —From “The Book of Good Manners”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia