Gilded Age Etiquette Satire

In faultless attire you will happily find 

Society’s eyes to your real faults blind. 

For etiquette, e'en from antiquity, teaches 

That wits cannot shine in their last seasons breeches

THE SOCIETY MAN 

How can you become a ‘society man.’ 

If poor, you cannot, but if wealthy you can, 

That is, if you care to; for gold is, they say,

The talisman bright which insures an entree 

Into high upper-ten-dom, and if to its charm 

You’ll just add a pedigree long as your arm, 

And strictly abide by the following plan, 

You're bound to become a society man. 

At th’ very first round of the ladder commence, 

Consult the best tailors and, (blank the expense) 

In faultless attire you will happily find 

Society’s eyes to your real faults blind. 

For etiquette, e'en from antiquity, teaches 

That wits cannot shine in their last seasons breeches, 

And th' greatest of humorist’s puns are quite that 

When uttered above an unstylish cravat. 

Let study of self be your solo occupation.

Your faults to correct in attire, conversation, 

Appearance et cetera; dignified ease 

Should temper your movements; your object, to please. 

Not only yourself but the nicest observer. 

From truth you should also become a good swerver, 

Quite ready to flatter with lies when you can 

If you would become a society man. 

If modest, that misery quickly subdue; 

Faint heart never won a fair lady, and you, 

If in the least timid, cannot with propriety, 

Expect the embraces of high-toned society. 

Make love to the maidens, and matrons as well, 

For this is an art in which you should excel; 

But marriage taboo as no part of the plan 

Of a genuine up-up society man. 

Thus, properly scented, and properly curled, 

Assume all the airs of a man of the world. 

And if you are one, bravely deem yourself then 

The equal of other society,

Wherever society’s worshipers throng, 

Let mighty self-confidence help you along; 

However ’twas gained, they may guess it who can, 

Without it you're not a society man. 

                                                –M. A. Stewart, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia

Eediotic Etiquette Satire

“The Art Kissing is the art of extracting honey from tulips, and protecting the same against frost by careful massage and frequent watering. Not more — nor less — than two individuals are necessary. Kissing is practised in all parts of the world, but flourishes best on verandas, unlighted halls, back stairs, buggies, arbors, canoes, hay-racks, cradles, and go-carts.”

A New Book for the General Reader

“Eediotic Etiquette,” by Gideon Wurdz (Charles Wayland Towne), author of “The Foolish Dictionary,” is conceived in the same gleeful spirit as the author's previous successful work. It gives complete rules of deportment for afternoon teas, proposals, bargain counters, motoring, home shows, kissing and all the familiar contingencies of modern social life. A complete book of etiquette, in burlesque. A bright satire on the over-serious books on the same subject. While written only to amuse, much good, common horse-sense is included in this fun-making at the expense of social social customs and conventionalities. The author has a singularly delightful faculty of making everyone laugh with him, not so much at as over their own foolishnesses; and having extracted humor from the dictionary, he now finds a fruitful field for his good-natured raillery in the follies of society. Eediotic Etiquette, by Gideon Wurdz, New York, Frederick A. Stokes company, Los Angeles, Stoll and Thayer. – Los Angeles Herald, 1906

A Sampling of “Eediotic Etiquette”

“Society, stricken with lorgnettes and an appetite for tea, usuallydrops in about four P.M. for a session of hard looks and soft drinks.” 

ART EXHIBITS 

The modern Art Exhibit is a conspiracy organized and perpetrated by a long-haired Dauber with a Latin Quarter accent and a Connoisseur with a taste in gold frames. 

An Art Exhibit, like the Circus, is entirely Circus surroundedby canvas, and the most impossible performances are carefully skyed.Spectators, at either kind of show, may eat, drink, and make merryduring the entire program. 

At an Art Exhibit, the puzzles are attractively posted all over thewalls, and the answers thereto plainly printed in a fat catalogue — tobe had of the doorkeeper for a small fee. 

Those unfortunates condemned to be hung are closely guarded by aplatoon of incandescents and several double-barrelled skylights. 

Society, stricken with lorgnettes and an appetite for tea, usuallydrops in about four P.M. for a session of hard looks and soft drinks. 

In the foreground stands the party with the Artist’s flowing coiffure and the necktie at large. This is an Artist. 

It is proper to accost him with a polite inquiry appertaining to hisprofession, such as "What medium do you use, Mr. Kromo?"
You are always safe in assuming that an artist uses some sort ofmedium, as he is generally in a trance.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia