Bad Table Etiquette Cuts Off Friendships

  

Firmly, Nancy places a large piece of bread on the table cloth, plasters it thick with butter.

They wont dine out again! 

Bob stares at Nancy’s hands in fascinated horror. Firmly she places a large piece of bread on the table cloth, plasters it thick with butter. Then she lifts the whole piece to her mouth, leaves teeth marks in its buttery surface whenever she takes a bite. Surely Nancy knows that the only correct way to eat bread is to break off and butter a small piece at a time, just enough for a mouthful. 

Careless table manners —so easy to avoid —offend others most. Are YOU ever guilty of: 

• Pouring salt for celery or radishes on table cloth instead of plate?

• Dropping olive pits into ash trays? 

• Hanging knife and fork off edge of dinner plate so they tumble onto table when plate is removed?

            –The Santa Ana Journal, Home Service, 1937

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Amy’s Teen Etiquette Q & A

Amy Vanderbilt on Teens and Dating... 

Q. My brother is 17 and I am 16. He says that it is not right for sister and brother to double-date. What do you think? E.T., Beaumont, Tex. – A. Your brother is right. 

Teen Topics

Etiquette concerns itself with the forms required by good breeding. The necessary judgment to act appropriately in any situation develops slowly and needs guidance. Here are some relevant letters: 

Q. I confided something to a friend and found that she repeated what I said to the very people we discussed. Now she comes to my house every day and seems happy that she has caused a break in my friendship with these people. D.S., Clayton, Mo. 
A. Why not meet the issue squarely? Explain the situation to the hurt friends and apologize for the trouble this girl caused. Then stop seeing her. 

Q. My brother is 17 and I am 16. He says that it is not right for sister and brother to double-date. What do you think? E.T., Beaumont, Tex. 
A. Your brother is right. 

Q. I am a girl of 13 and am going on a week-end trip with five girls. Our chaperon is 21 years old. Do you think it would be all right to have boys along? D.F., Portland, Me. 
A. No, it would not. A young, unmarried woman is not a suitable chaperon for a mixed group. 

Q. I am a girl in my early teens. Is it proper to give a priest who has been very kind a gift? If so, would cookies or something I have baked myself be suitable? A.C., Elko, Nev. 
A. Yes, to both questions. 

Q. At what age should a girl be referred to as “Miss”? Do you think a girl of 11 or 12 should let a boy hold her hand at a show? C.B., Springfield, Colo. 
A. On an envelope, a girl is addressed as "Miss" from infancy. At 16 she may officially use the title “Miss” on calling cards. From 16 on she should receive the courtesy of that title from strangers. A little girl of 1 1 or 12 should not be holding hands with a boy at a show and should not be there at all except perhaps in the afternoon with a group. 

Q. I would like to know how many dresses, skirts, sweaters, blouses, shoes, etc..., a girl of my age (15) should have in her school wardrobe. N.D., Hanna City, Ill. 
A. I cannot answer this. It is wise for a girl to gear her wardrobe in style, but not necessarily quantity, to that of the girls with whom she associates. 

Q. I attend a high school which is very large, and has a number of social sets and clubs. In my club there are some very nice girls and yet I feel I would like to be with a more popular crowd. I know I could get into a club more to my liking because the girls in it have told me so many times. But most of these girls are very wealthy and have different ideas on kissing, dating, etc... I would not like to endanger my high-school career. What do you advise? D.J., Newark, N.J. 
A. Stay in the group that you now are with. You will feel more comfortable. –Amy Vanderbilt for Parade Magazine, 1956

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Debt and Borrowers

“Mere conventions, mere formal ceremonies, do not indicate good manners. Good manners are the result of an unselfish desire to avoid annoying others and to give pleasure to one’s associates.” – Ella Wheeler Wilcox 

Borrowers Should Form a Union and Establish Rules and Regulations 

Too Many Receive Favors Only to Forget the Lender...

Failing to Recompense and Never Thinking to Express Gratitude, Thus Hurting Hearts That Were Friendly

It’s a world malady which few of its denizens are able to escape. Sooner or later, the burden of debt is incurred for a longer or shorter period of time. It is a misfortune but not a crime to incur debt. The man who owes somebody, has a much larger company with whom he associates than the man who lends. So old and so almost universal is the position of the debtor that a “Debtors’ Union” ought to be formed. 

Every union, every organization of any kind, has its certain laws, formalities and obligations, both written and unwritten, which make what might he called the etiquette of the order. The borrowers of the world need such a union, and are sadly in need of an understanding of its laws of etiquette. Here are a few outlines of those laws: 

You who have asked and received money, or influence, from anyone in the world to enable you to further your own interests, will understand that these laws are outlined for your special benefit. And if you will, be glad to know in your heart, that the reproof they convey to the delinquent, the thoughtless or the indifferent does not apply to you. The reproof is intended for the thoughtless, the delinquent and the indifferent. 

After Receiving the Favor, Too Many Lapse Into Silence 

A struggling youth, intelligent, moral, industrious, found herself in temporary embarrassment, and wrote to a friend asking for a loan. The loan was granted promptly, and with words implying the pleasure it was to be aide to bestow this favor. A grateful acknowledgement of the accompanying check was received in reply. Then an utter silence ensued. Months became a year and no word was heard from the young woman who had been benefited, save an occasional item of information through casual mutual acquaintances. 

The etiquette of the Debtors’ Union should demand that at least twice a year a courteous and friendly note should be written from the debtor to the lender, telling of his doings, his interests, his efforts toward success and his belief in final attainment of the goal he was seeking. No continual reference need be made to the debt, but the individual who is sufficiently interested in another to lend him aid of any kind is sufficiently interested to feel the wound of silence and neglect. 

Another young lad had passed through great sorrows and unusual tragedies, which resulted in the breaking up of his home and in his becoming adrift in the world without kith or kin. He wrote to a lady who had known him from childhood, asking for a small loan, with which he could provide himself decent raiment to wear in the fulfillment of duties he had recently secured. He assured the lady he would repay her one dollar a week until the debt was liquidated. The check was sent gladly, and in the accompanying letter, the lady said she accepted his terms of payment, as she felt it would enable him to feel more manly and to form business-like methods. Her bank returned the voucher of her check, which had been cashed, but in that way only was she even aware that it was ever received. No acknowledgment was sent to her, and even a letter of inquiry, after more than six months, brought no reply. 

These are but two illustrations of what seems to be an almost universal habit of the borrowers of the world. To lend money to one's friend seems almost invariably to cause a deterioration of character and a loss of high ideals and nobility of thought in the borrower. It may be urged by the borrowers that they feel sensitive in regard to their debt and do not like to write until they are able to liquidate it. But if they are not too sensitive to ask such favors they should not be too sensitive to refer to them after they have been granted. 

There are shining exceptions, of course, to these dark examples. A woman struggling in direct poverty with a sick husband and a large family of small children (a woman of refinement and education) borrowed $100.00 in an hour of great despair. That was ten years ago. Two or three times a year the benefactor receives a few words, at least, and often a long letter from the one benefited, and even small sums have been insistently enforced upon the lender to lessen the debt in order that the borrower might retain her self-respect. In that way, half the sum has been paid, but better than that, admiration and affection for the borrower have been strong factors in enriching the life of the lender. Here was one who understood, without being taught, the etiquette of debt. But they are few. – Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1915

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and the Minefield of Friendships at School

Cliques and gangs (carried to an extreme degree) offer love, approval, protection and support, and sometimes bullying. Low self esteem can cause bullies to seek power over other teens. The more the clique puts people down, the cooler they feel.

Friendships, and just plain dealing with other students in school, can be difficult. Do your teens ever come across students who put others down for being smart, well-behaved, industrious and moral?  Bullying behaviour is done to devalue those traits that others have, but they don’t have themselves. They can often reflect the low self-esteem of the person doing the bullying. Help teens navigate through some of these challenges of this “minefield” called "school" that they might encounter.

Cliques, and Why do cliques form?  

Cliques form because teens can feel unsure of themselves socially. They lack confidence and social skills. Cliques and gangs (carried to an extreme degree) offer love, approval, protection and support. The more the clique puts people down, the cooler they feel. Help your teen to decide on whether being part of a clique is worth the time or if it is that important.  If it is not that important, encourage teens to politely ignore or avoid a troublesome clique, and develop their own friends based on those who are warm, interesting and inviting.

According to Alex J. Packer who wrote, “How Rude: A Teenagers’ Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior and not Grossing People Out” when teens choose to practice good manners with peers, they can avoid that suffering and anxiety that exists in school corridors.  They will enjoy closer and more rewarding relationships with friends. They can still act cool but without the attitude. 

Peer Pressure

Friends may become involved in questionable activities… just politely, and assertively, say "NO." No is the ultimate self-control.  “No, thank you,”  “I’d prefer not to,”  “Count me out.”  No further explanation is required – stand firm.  Responding with an explanation can put you on the defensive. Saying it aggressively can send the wrong message. Besides, once your teen says "No," others may follow their lead.

Back Biting

Person A tells you your friend has been saying nasty thing about YOU.  What should you do?  Did Person A hear it from your friend or has it been passed on from person to person.  Check out backbiting rumor with your friend – give him or her the benefit of the doubt.  Tell him or her what you heard and how it made you feel.

Shunning

For no reason, friends start to avoid your teen… stop talking, don’t return calls, etc.  Your teen feels sad and lonely.  Suggest that your teen ask him or herself some questions – have I changed?  Have I done something that might be causing problems?  If nothing comes to mind, chat with one trusted friend alone.  Hopefully, he or she will shed some light. If it’s a misunderstanding, then it can be set straight.  Sometimes, friends break up for no reason.  If this is the case, remind your teen to hold their head high and make new friends.

"Am I good company? - This is largely a matter of disposition, cheerfulness, kindness, that old ability to put others at their ease and make them feel good. But, believe me, it's also a question of common courtesy and good manners. Before we hit the teen age, the law of the jungle is apt to prevail. It is socially acceptable for one friend to hit another over the head with his "tinker toys" if things don't go his way. But by the time we reach the teens we've discovered that our relationships at parties, school, home, between each other, in the little things as well as big ones, just won't stand this jungle type friction. If we are the ones who create friction, we are squeaky wheels and not at all attractive. Courtesy (and this includes consideration in such areas as use of the telephone, borrowing, please and thank you, table manners) - all courtesy is simply the oil we use to keep the machinery of friendship running smoothly." Pat Boone on Teens and Friendship

Taking Sides

If two friends are at odds with each other, let your teen know to refrain from taking sides even if they enlist his or her support.  Don’t let either person badmouth the other to your teen.  However, your teen could relay good information like, “If only Sue would apologize, I’d forget the whole thing.”  Report that information to the other friend in the hopes that there can be a reconciliation.

Telling Secrets

Keeping secrets can be difficult because information is POWER.  The friend may not be acting with malice.  He or she may think that they’re passing on a secret to a trusted friend.  But then that friend may tell their “trusted” friend and so and so on.  One sure-fire way of not having secrets revealed is never tell any in the first place.

"Manners ... are different from etiquette because they are not put in a closet, like fancy clothes, for special occasions. Your speech, actions, posture, attitude toward friends and neighbors, behavior at home and at school, driving habits, and telephone habits all call attention to the general way in which you think about yourself in relation to the rest of the world. These are your manners." Dick Clark on Teens, Manners and Friendship

Jealousy

Teach your teen to be happy for their friends’ achievements.  Never feel jealous or compare themselves to others.  They are different and your teen has many talents, too.  Focus on the positive.

By Canadian Contributor Maria Doll ~ An etiquette coach, Maria has been conducting personal consultations, workshops, camps and seminars for children, teens and young adults since 2009.  Her etiquette program and company Leadership Matters has been featured in print, radio & television media. 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the

Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia