Respect and Etiquette

 

What "Respect" Looks Like

Respect is one of the most important words we can know.  We feel it when we read or hear it. We know its significance when we use it.  And, as the 18th century icon, Adam Smith said, “We desire both to be respectable and to be respected.”  The positive view formed on how persons are living their lives is the stuff of respect. 

But as important as respect is, it’s interesting that the word itself no longer shows up with the same frequency it once did.  Google Books Ngram searches of its data bases of printed books, indicates usage of the word “respect” is the lowest it has been in over three centuries.    

Now is the perfect time to ask ourselves how we conceptualize and demonstrate respect.

Respect is Not Fear

Respect and fear are sometimes intertwined when it comes to how they are perceived, however the two are very different.  You may think you respect someone or something you fear, but this is not true if insecurity, distrust, or chaos also exist.

The following statements help confirm the difference between respect and fear:

• A respected person commands respect, but their respect is never commanded. 
• When you admire a person and what she stands for, she commands your respect. 
• Recognizably honoring a person or cause demonstrates your statement of respect, or your desire to show respect for what others value. 
• If you deem another person worthy of respect, you can find personal inspiration in that person.  
• Qualities, deeds, values that attract and draw us to a person also call us to make these our virtues.
• Respect is not earned by making people fear us, but by their naturally admiring us. Admiration by fear is coercion. 
• We can always be afraid; we only earn respect.  Fear repels; respect attracts.
  
  

Putting it Into Practice

Respect in action is as simple as living by The Golden Rule.  You can test this by asking yourself:
“Am I treating others the way I would want to be treated?”  
“Are my actions admirable, honorable?”
“Do my actions make others feel cared for, valued, and important?”

Practicing respect looks, sounds, and feels like:  

• Listen, really listen, to what others say. 
• Give your attention to those you interact with. 
• Offer encouragement and support for the best in others. 
• Acknowledge that another person wants to speak and be heard.
• Put yourselves in someone else’s shoes to enable compassion, which sometimes is friendly silence. 
• Recognize and honor the difference among what’s mine, thine, and held in common. 

Each of the actions above demonstrate that respecting others is simply treating them as you would want to be treated.

Does Self-respect Come First?

It’s a “chicken and egg” question.  Learning to respect yourself does not happen apart from learning to respect others.  Other people are necessary in complex social mirroring and feedback processes.  

Every human being has intrinsic value and discovering this is a lifelong uncharted journey.  We respect ourselves when we find, define and accept our own worth and value.  

Self-check on self-respectful actions:

• Am I consistently being honest with myself?
• How am I doing with my learning and self-education?
• Am I taking care of myself, treating myself well?
• Am I taking responsibility for my own conduct?  
• Do I self-assess and work to eliminate bad influences or habits in my life?
• Do I give myself time to clearly articulate how I feel?
• Am I able to give myself an “A” for good manners and proper conduct, realizing that how other people react to me can be signals that I need to reevaluate and make changes?

Showing respect for yourself and others is the core of etiquette.  It is a simple word, but holds more meaning than the majority of other words in our language.  As George Matthew Adams wrote in the Sacramento Union on March 21, 1913: 
“Respect is the name of the Fellow who tends door for your Conscience.  He is the most sacred Office in life of your Character…Respect is your most faithful of Friends, your greatest Guide, your most powerful Protector, your safest Pilot into Port.”

“A person is a person no matter how small.”  ~ Dr. Seuss

                                          

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, a Pope and Royalty

Regarding an 1899 visit – When visiting the Pope it is customary to kiss his slipper. The King of Sweden, a staunch Protestant, had not done this when visiting His Holiness. He had shaken hands.

In 1889, Emperor William II visited the Pope. He wished to make the visit in such a manner that the Quirinal might not be offended. He therefore paid his visit from the German Embassy in his own carriage, which had been brought from Berlin. 

To show, however, that he did not mean to make obeisance to the Pope he appeared, in military uniform. When visiting the Pope it is customary to kiss his slipper. The King of Sweden, a staunch Protestant, had not done this when visiting His Holiness. He had shaken hands. 

The Emperor went further. He embraced the Pope. The Empress dressed in white. Papal court etiquette prescribes black dress. This matter of etiquette, however, would have created no offence.

The German Emperor likes to do things out of the common. But, again, Bismarck's intrigues very nearly spoilt the game. The Pope had retired with the Emperor into his private apartments. They were alone. This was an extraordinary privilege and recalled to all the interview between Napoleon and Pius VII in Paris. 

Hardly had Leo XIII retired with his guest when Count Herbert Bismarck, the son of the great statesman, caused the Emperor's brother, Prince Henry, to step into the Pope's room and interrupt the conversation. The visit was at once terminated, and in the excitement the Emperor forgot the agreed arrangements and ordered his coachman to drive to the Quirinal. Personal explanation and presents fortunately set matters right.

I mention this incident to show what extraordinary influence Bismarck had, and how basely he made use of it. He was a clever and a great man. We cannot help admiring him, but we cannot give him our esteem.

It is befitting to conclude this article by a word of praise for the heroic German bishops and priests, for Herr Windhorst, the undaunted leader of the Catholic party in the German Parliament, for the three German Emperors who showed good-will in spite of the opposition of their Governments, and above all, for our Holy Father, Pope Leo XIII, who labored so ardently for the spiritual and temporal well-being of his German children. – The Indian Advocate, 1901

 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia