Teen Etiquette Topics, 1956

Q. I have been going with a boy who calls me up every night. He tells me he likes me, but in school he ignores me and flirts with other girls. Should I tell him I'm jealous?

Since dating is so very important to teenagers, here are some questions on that subject.

Q. I am 18 years old. My friends say that I am very pretty but that I am too quiet and never say anything funnyCan you make any suggestions? — M.M., Radom, Ill.

A. Try to cultivate your sense of humor so that you will enjoy the amusing things other people say. Not everyone can create humor. But if you look alive and receptive, your friends will like you and find you good company.

Q. Is it proper for a girl of 13 to play different kinds of ball games with boys several years older? — B.S., Phenix City, Ala.

A. It seems all right if grownups are present.

Q. I have been going with a boy who calls me up every night. He tells me he likes me, but in school he ignores me and flirts with other girls. Should I tell him I'm jealous?— L.P., Chicago, III.

A. Don't tell him you're jealous. If he calls you every night, you probably have the inside track. You'll have to wait until he is ready to acknowledge you as his girl in school. In the meantime, why not see some of the other boys?

Q. I am 16. I compliment girls quite often in school. When I do, they say "Thank you." What should I say?— S.G., New Britain, Conn.

A. Nothing.

Q. I like my girlfriend's boyfriend and he likes me. I want to go out with the boy but I still want Joan as a friend. What should I do?-— B.T., Mineral Ridge, Ohio.

A. It is very important for a girl to be liked by other girls in her school. The kind of boy-snatching that you are contemplating would make girls dislike you. Keep the friendship of your own sex and you'll have a better chance at happiness with boys as well.

Q. I am 14 and go to quite a few parties, but never enjoy them. What do you think I can do to have a good time?— J.L., Stratford, Conn. 

A. Seem to have a good time. This is a great compliment to your hostess and the boy you are with. If you start out to a party feeling that you are going to have a dull time and that you are dull yourself, you usually bring both of these undesired things upon yourself.— By Amy Vanderbilt in Parade Magazine, 1956

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Things to Retrain From

Here at Etiquipedia, we are big fans of the common sense manners which Amy Vanderbilt espoused and encouraged, through her numerous books and syndicated columns.

Rules of Etiquette That Don’t Change

By Amy Vanderbilt

As my readers know, I have a large collection of very old etiquette books and keep adding to it during the course of my travels in this country and abroad. Just recently in Ireland I was given a copy of an English etiquette book that, although undated, seems to have been published about 1902. It is called “Etiquette for Women.” One section lists “Things to Retrain From.” I was interested to see how well most of these rules stand up and are today good American manners, too. 

Here they are, just as they appeared in that old book I brought back from Dublin: 

• “Don’t talk of your pedigree, save in the bosom of your own family, and then only indulge yourself once in a lifetime.”
• “Don’t, whatever the fashion may be, wear a lot of jewelry.” 
• “Don’t wear a number of diamonds 0r other precious stones by day. It is not in good taste.” 
• “Don’t speak to attendants in shops as your servants, or anyone in an inferior position in life to yourself, as though they were dogs; neither gush at them, nor be familiar.”
• “Maintain a genial dignity, and a gracious kindness and consideration, which will win esteem and respect.”
• “Don’t mention names when talking in public about persons you know; a near friend 0r relative of those you are chattering about, may be overhearing the conversation. ”
• “Don’t eat in the street.”
• “Don't ever have dirty nails, soiled handkerchiefs, or soiled linen.” 
• “Don’t use quantities of perfume.”
• “Don’t behave in the street in a way to attract attention by railing about; attitudinizing, or shrieking with laughter.” 
• “Don’t be profuse with terms of endearment and kisses in public.” 
• “Don't if a friend mispronounces a word, immediately pronounce it in the correct way; it will probably hurt his or her feelings very much.” 
• “Don't push your plate away when you have finished eating.”
• ‘‘Don’t use a knife when eating an entree or hors d’œuvre if a fork will do.”
• “Don’t use a knife when eating rissoles of any kind, or minced meats; or curry.”
• “Don’t when you are served, wait until everyone else is served also before beginning to eat; neither must you attack the meat on your plate until you have the accompanying vegetables and sauces.”
• “Don’t mistake a haughty, overbearing manner for an air of good breeding, either in yourself or your fellow creatures.”

My friend and fellow columnist, Mrs. Walter Ferguson, wrote recently that this is an age of vulgarity. Many of these old, sound rules of good manners are as important today as they have ever been. Are we properly teaching them to our children? Are we occasionally breaching them ourselves? — Amy Vanderbilt, 1959

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Profiles in Etiquette–Amy Vanderbilt

Amy Vanderbilt was born on July 22, 1908 in New York City, New York, a relation of Cornelius Vanderbilt, an American business magnate and philanthropist who built his wealth in railroads and shipping. She worked as a part-time reporter for the Staten Island Advance when she was 16 while attending Curtis High School. She furthered her studies and was educated in Switzerland and the Packer Collegiate Institute in Brooklyn, before attending New York University.

From 1929 to 1932 she was married to Robert Brinkerhoff. She worked in advertising and public relations, and published her famous book, Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette, in 1952, after five years of research. She also wrote, among other books, 1961's Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Cook Book illustrated by Andy Warhol. This cookbook's illustrations are attributed to "Andrew Warhol", and predate Andy Warhol's first New York solo pop art exhibition. His illustrations are simple line drawings in pen and ink. 

                                                              

How to Eat a Lobster from Amy Vanderbilt accompanied by Andy Warhol's illustrations.

From 1954 - 1960 she hosted the television program It's in Good Taste and from 1960 - 1962 she hosted the radio program The Right Thing to Do. In 1968 she married Curtis Kellar, a lawyer for Mobil Oil. She also worked as a consultant for several agencies and organizations, including the Princess House Crystal Company and the U.S. Department of State.

On December 27, 1974, she died from multiple fractures of the skull after falling from a second-floor window in her townhouse at 438 East 87th Street in New York. It remains unclear whether her fall was accidental (most likely due to the medications she took for hypertension, which friends and relatives said caused her to have severe dizzy spells) or whether she committed suicide. She was buried at the Cemetery of the Evergreens in Brooklyn, New York.
                                                         

Sooner or later everybody needs Amy Vanderbilt

Amy Vanderbilt's Obituary and the Mystery– 

Jump Or Fall? 

Amy Vanderbilt Dies In New York Plunge

“December 28, 1974, The Desert Sun– NEW YORK (UPI) - Amy Vanderbilt, columnist and etiquette expert whose book on manners became a standard for American behavior, died in a plunge from her second-story apartment Friday night. She was 66. Police at first said it appeared to be a suicide, but today said it had not been determined whether she jumped or fell. 

“An official ruling was withheld pending an inquiry and an autopsy. Police said no suicide note was found. Her husband, Curtis Kellar, was inside the apartment when the fatal plunge occurred. He said he walked into the front room, noticed his wife was not present and saw the open window, police said. Police said a passerby found the body of the author of ‘The New Complete Book of Etiquette’ lying on the sidewalk in front of her apartment at 7:55 p.m. Reached later at home, Kellar said his wife had been ill for a long time with hypertension and had been taking various drugs. He said she complained of dizzy spells and may have fallen out of the window. A friend, who asked not to be identified, described Miss Vanderbilt, who she said she saw two days before Christmas, as being ‘a little harried preparing for Christmas, but in good spirits.’

“Miss Vanderbilt was taken to Metropolitan Hospital and pronounced dead on arrival at 7:58 p.m., police said. Her ‘Complete Book of Etiquette’ which was completed in 1952, made her a national authority on etiquette. The 700-page book was later revised as ‘The New Complete Book of Etiquette.’ In 1954, Miss Vanderbilt joined the United Feature Syndicate, where she stayed until 1968 as a syndicated columnist. She wrote her column for the Los Angeles Times Syndicate since 1968 and wrote regular monthly columns for the Ladies’ Home Journal and McCall’s. 

“In addition to her literary efforts, Miss Vanderbilt also appeared often on television and radio. From 1954 to 1960 she hosted ‘It’s in Good Taste,’ a television program on etiquette, and from 1960-62 she had her own radio show, ‘The Right Thing To Do.’ Miss Vanderbilt was married four times, the last to Kellar, an assistant general counsel for the Mobil Oil Corp., in 1968. She is survived by three sons, all from previous marriages. They are Lincoln Gill Clark, by her second husband, Morton G. Clark, and Paul Vanderbilt Knopf and Stephen John Knopf, by her third husband, Hans Knopf. Miss Vanderbilt’s body was taken to the Manhattan Medical Examiner’s office for an autopsy.

“A memorial service will be held Tuesday at 3 p.m. at the Church of the Holy Trinity, and a family spokesman suggested that in lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the Eye Bank for Sight Restoration in New York.”

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Amy Vanderbilt

Even Amy Vanderbilt knew to update her book, yet again, by 1972.

More And More ‘Couth’

Etiquette is dead, you say? Young people don't know the meaning of the word manners? Be advised that in the second major revision since it was published in 1952, Amy Vanderbilt has found it necessary to add 120,000 words to her standard book on etiquette. That's worth 200 printed pages, bringing the total to 960.
                                           

Sorry, but by 1972, you're toast! The long-suffering Anna Bates, lady's maid to Lady Mary, of Downton Abbey

The butler, footman and ladies’ maid are dead. Taking their place are sections on such things as how to behave in a sauna, the wearing of sunglasses, locker room speech (acceptable in the drawing room now) and the etiquette of snowmobiling. As the old French saying doesn’t have it, the more things change, the less they remain the same. –From The Desert Sun, 1972

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the  Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Amy Vanderbilt on Etiquette Books

Amy Vanderbilt had style and exhibited a grace rarely seen today. The fact that she referred to herself as an "Etiquette Adviser," and not an "Etiquette Expert" (as so many people deign to do today) makes her special to those of us at Etiquipedia. Though we have all taught and studied etiquette for many years, and in some cases, many decades, the majority of us consider ourselves "Etiquette Enthusiasts." Even Amy Vanderbilt admitted that she had to  occasionally use her own book for reference, as there is just so much information one retains and she could remember, "only those details that have, or have had relevance to" her own way of living.

"Who needs a book of etiquette? Everyone does. The simplest family, if it hopes to move just a little into a wider world, needs to know at least the elementary rules. Even the most sophisticated man or woman used to a great variety of social demands cannot hope to remember every single aspect of etiquette applying to even one possible social contingency. 

The human mind is so constructed that even if a person were to read through a book such as this from cover to cover he could retain only that information that had interest for him at the time of reading. Consciously, at least, the rest would be discarded as irrelevant to his way of life. But let some new way of living open up for him a move from city to country, a trip to a new part of the world and his etiquette book becomes his reference book, ready to piece out his own store of information.  

You might imagine that the writer of an etiquette book would certainly know everything in it and therefore have no need for it as reference or guide. But even this is not the case. After ten years as an etiquette adviser, four years of writing this book four years of interviewing dozens of authorities in their own fields for material to be incorporated here I, too, can remember only those details that have or have had relevance to my own way of living. If you asked me, for example, some detail of a wedding in a faith other than my own, I might have to refer to my own book. The information is here the result of my research but in the writing of such sections I made no attempt to memorize all these details. However, in this book, I, like you, have such information in simple, complete form all in one place, and it can be readily found if needed.  

The word "etiquette" for all the things I have tried to discuss is really inadequate, yet no other will do. It covers much more than "manners," the way in which we do things. It is considerably more than a treatise on a code of social behavior, although all the traditional information still of value has, I feel, been included in a way that is simple and concise, shorn of mumbo- jumbo and clearly learnable. For we must all learn the socially acceptable ways of living with others in no matter what society we move." Amy Vanderbilt

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia