Handshakes for a King and Queen

Officials point out that President and Mrs. Roosevelt will be standing in line with the King and Queen when most of their big moments come. And Americans have been shaking their Presidents’ hands for years. Some bow slightly; others don't. Not many men want to appear ludicrous by saying “How-do-you do” to the President, then bowing low and backing off from the King and Queen, only to walk forward again for Mrs. Roosevelt’s hand shake.

British Royalty to be Greeted with Handshakes

WASHINGTON, May 12.- (AP) - The minute fraction of the Nation’s population which actually will meet the King and Queen of Great Britain here next month is getting ready for good old American handshakes.

For weeks, these men and women have been batted back and forth between the curtsy-or-don't, bow-or faint school of thought. The final consensus is that being Americans, they will act as Americans usually do at White House and other formal functions.

Officials point out that President and Mrs. Roosevelt will be standing in line with the King and Queen when most of their big moments come. And Americans have been shaking their Presidents’ hands for years. Some bow slightly; others don't.

Not many men want to appear ludicrous by saying “How-do-you do” to the President, then bowing low and backing off from the King and Queen, only to walk forward again for Mrs. Roosevelt’s hand shake.

The State Department steadfastly has refused to play Emily Post for the American public on royal etiquette. Protocol experts take the attitude that they have no more business dictating how people should behave than they have telling them what to wear.

As a result, most officials plan to follow American customs. The larg est group to be presented will be those invited to the White House musicale after a state dinner for about 100 guests, June 9. Others will be introduced at Union Station. – Oakland Tribune, May 1939

👑Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

An Etiquette Argument for Bowing

Reminded of the well-defined etiquette bearing on the subject, women are likely to add: “ I know that very well; but no woman wants to take the initiative. Men should do that; it’s their business; it doesn't belong to us. No one expects us to make ourselves so bold...”

Who Should Bow First ? —Who has not heard ladies express mild surprise because some man who had been presented to them had not bowed to them on the street, at the theater, or in the drawing room? If you ask them, “Did you recognize him?” they will be apt to reply, “ Oh, no; of course not. He should have spoken first.” Being reminded of the well-defined etiquette bearing on the subject, they are likely to add: “ I know that very well; but no woman wants to take the initiative. Men should do that; it’s their business; it doesn't belong to us. No one expects us to make ourselves so bold.” The truth is, the majority of women are naturally accustomed to men paying court to them; to his making the first advance in everything; that they can’t find it in their sexual sensitiveness, in their conventional selves, to obey a mandate they originally issued, and still insist on perpetuating. 

Not one woman in ten thousand has any fault to find with the rule; in fact, we have never known a woman to object to it. Nevertheless, she seldom follows it in her own case. Sometimes a woman says, as a sort of self justification, “Supposing I should speak to a man, on meeting him after an introduction, and he should not remember me. How awkward I should appear; how overwhelmed I should be with shame to observe that he did not recognize me. I can’t afford to place myself in a position to seem to be cut by any man.” If any number of women feel thus, the point of etiquette should be changed in order to save their sensibilities. In truth, however, the objection is not well made. 

There is not the smallest danger that any man, presuming him, of necessity, to be a gentleman, at least in respect to his observing the ordinary forms of courtesy, would refuse or hesitate to return the acknowledgement of a woman, even though he might not have the remotest recollection of ever having seen her before, or though he were convinced she had confounded him with somebody else. And the fact that he had been recognized by a woman would be the strongest presumptive evidence that he had been presented to her. Men are not likely either to forget their feminine acquaintances, or to mistake Mrs. Thompson for Mrs. Robinson, or Misa Blank for Miss Dash. – Sonoma Democrat, 1876

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Japanese Etiquette

Bowing when one is seated on the soft mats of a Japanese house (by far the politest method) is much more complicated. 

Why the Japanese Are Called
 the “French of the East”
 👘⛩🗾🎏👘⛩🗾🎏

They Even Pass Beyond the Gauls in Their Excess of Formality

The Japanese are called the French of the East, and their complicated system of etiquette is indeed not unworthy of the most polished nation of Europe. The old-time ceremonies were long and laborious, and have to a great extent disappeared with the present busy era. But the every-day etiquette still remains, and many of the forms are pretty and quaint, and especially interesting to the foreign traveler in Japan as being so peculiarly oriental. 

It is especially curious to see how even the lowest classes, the coolies and the jinricksha men, keep up a form of etiquette among themselves and are exceedingly polite and ceremonious while pulling their two-wheeled vehicles or pursuing the lowest trades in the humble walks of life. 

One from the West would hardly expect to find a coolie bowing profoundly and apologizing to another in the most courteous of language for some mishap, or shouting out some expression of sympathy when a heavy burden was being carried or pushed along, and yet these are common, everyday occurrences in Tokyo.

In learning the etiquette of Japan a stranger will always do well to remember that self-abasement and humility to the extreme must be the guiding principle on which all actions are to be ruled. In America it is often the duty of a guest to accept little courtesies from his host, not because he thinks it is due him as a superior, but because he is simply the guest, and he receives them as a kindness which hospitality extends to him, and which he cannot refuse without appearing ungracious. 

In Japan the laws of hospitality for the host are no less rigid than in America, To welcome the coming and speed the parting, to entertain with the best that one has in the kindest and most friendly manner, to see that the guest lacks nothing which thoughtfulness might provide—these are rigidly the duty of the Japanese host.

The duty of the guest differs in that each separate act of courtesy, even though accepted in the end, must be met with many protests and expostulations, and must on no account be simply accepted. The extreme to which this is carried would no doubt seem tiresome to those accustomed to the free-and-easy etiquette of American life. 

Tedious Expostulations 

Every Japanese parlor has its place of honor and its honorable and less honorable side, the latter being usually toward the door leading to the other apartments, the bedrooms and the kitchen. The seat of honor is in the part removed from the door, and is in front of a raised alcove, where are placed a hanging scroll, a vase of flowers and the few ornaments which a room possesses. 

It is a matter of time, energy and many bows before a guest can be induced to take this place of honor, and it is a contest in which the host must be the victor in the end, or, if not entirely successful, he must at least persuade his guest to sit in the more honorable side of the room, so that he himself may take the humblest place on the other side. It is also a matter of importance as to who shall precede in entering a room, and much time is spent by two people, one waiting for the other and each refusing to enter first. 

In entertaining many guests the host's duties are arduous, and as each separate guest is bound to consider himself the humblest of all the company, it is no little work to persuade him to the contrary.

There is a great deal in the etiquette of bows. Handshaking is a foreign innovation, and bowing hitherto has been the only mode of salutation. When two acquaintances meet in the street a bow is made by placing the hands in front as far down as they will reach, and then bowing from the waist downward until the upper part of the body is almost at rignt angles with the lower. 

One bow is not usually sufficient at a meeting, for if words are exchanged a bow must accompany each expression of good-will and friendship. Bowing when one is seated on the soft mats of a Japanese house (by far the politest method) is much more complicated. One is not expected to hurry through as in the street, and there is no excuse for the omissions of all the formal phrases of courtesy, each of which must be accompanied by bows made with the hands placed on the floor and the head bent down to them. 

There must always be an exchange of congratulations on the continued good health of the families, thanks for past kindnesses or favor shown by any member of one family to the other, and very often a visit is accompanied by a gift, which is formally presented and accepted. —Sacramento Daily Union, 1897

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette of Bows, Kissing and Handshaking for Ladies and Gentlemen

Salutations

Greetings and salutations are always nicer when flowers are added.

From 1877

A lady of rank, speaking of salutations, makes the following remarks: "It would seem that good manners were originally the expression of submission from the weaker to the stronger. In a rude state of society every salutation is to this day an act of worship. Hence the commonest acts, phrases and signs of courtesy with which we are now familiar date from those earlier stages when the strong hand ruled and the inferior demonstrated his allegiance by studied servility. 

Let us take, for example, the words 'sir' and 'madam.' 'Sir' is derived from seigneur, sieur, and originally meant lord, king, ruler and, in its patriarchal sense, father. The title of sire was last borne by some of the ancient feudal families of France, who, as Selden has said, 'affected rather to be styled by the name of sire than baron, as Le Sire de Montmorenci and the like.' 'Madam' or 'madame,' corrupted by servants into 'ma'am,' and by Mrs. Gamp and her tribe into 'mum,' is in substance equivalent to 'your exalted,' or 'your highness,' madame originally meaning high-born or stately, and being applied only to ladies of the highest rank.

To turn to our every-day forms of salutation. We take off our hats on visiting an acquaintance. We bow on being introduced to strangers. We rise when visitors enter our drawing-room. We wave our hand to our friend as he passes the window or drives away from our door. The Oriental, in like manner, leaves his shoes on the threshold when he pays a visit. The natives of the Tonga Islands kiss the soles of a chieftain's feet. The Siberian peasant grovels in the dust before a Russian noble. Each of these acts has a primary, a historical significance. The very word 'salutation,' in the first place, derived as it is from salutatio, the daily homage paid by a Roman client to his patron, suggests in itself a history of manners.

To bare the head was originally an act of submission to gods and rulers. A bow is a modified prostration. A lady's curtsey is a modified genuflection. Rising and standing are acts of homage; and when we wave our hand to a friend on the opposite side of the street, we are unconsciously imitating the Romans, who, as Selden tells us, used to stand 'somewhat off before the images of their gods, solemnly moving the right hand to the lips and casting it, as if they had cast kisses.' Again, men remove the glove when they shake hands with a lady—a custom evidently of feudal origin. The knight removed his iron gauntlet, the pressure of which would have been all too harsh for the palm of a fair chatelaine; and the custom, which began in necessity, has traveled down to us as a point of etiquette.

Salutations Of Different Nations

Saying hello with your noses when in Saudi Arabia

A curtsy to the royals

Jacques Chirac clasping and kissing the hand of Laura Bush

Each nation has its own method of salutation. In Southern Africa it is the custom to rub toes. In Lapland your friend rubs his nose against yours. The Turk folds his arms upon his breast and bends his head very low. The Moors of Morocco have a somewhat startling mode of salutation. They ride at a gallop toward a stranger, as though they would unhorse him, and when close at hand suddenly check their horse and fire a pistol over the person's head. The Egyptian solicitously asks you, "How do you perspire?" and lets his hand fall to the knee. The Chinese bows low and inquires, "Have you eaten?" The Spaniard says, "God be with you, sir," or, "How do you stand?" And the Neapolitan piously remarks, "Grow in holiness." The German asks, "Wie gehts ?"—How goes it with you? The Frenchman bows profoundly and inquires, "How do you carry yourself?"

Foreigners are given to embracing. In France and Germany the parent kisses his grown-up son on the forehead, men throw their arms around the necks of their friends, and brothers embrace like lovers. It is a curious sight to Americans, with their natural prejudices against publicity in kissing.

In England and America there are three modes of salutation—the bow, the handshake and the kiss.

The Bow

Customary greeting by bowing in Japan

Kowtow, which comes from kòu tóu in Mandarin Chinese, is an act of deep respect shown by kneeling & bowing so low as to have one's head touching the ground.

The bow is the proper mode of salutation to exchange between acquaintances in public, and, in certain circumstances, in private. The bow should never be a mere nod. A gentleman should raise his hat completely from his head and slightly incline the whole body. Ladies should recognize their gentleman friends with a bow or graceful inclination. It is their place to bow first, although among intimate acquaintances the recognition may be simultaneous.

A young lady should show the same deference to an elderly lady, or one occupying a higher social position, that a gentleman does to a lady.

A well-bred man always removes his cigar from his lips whenever he bows to a lady.

A slight acquaintance should always receive the courtesy of a bow; and it is absurd that you should refuse to recognize a person in the street because you may happen to have a trifling difference with him.

Words Of Salutation

Meeting and greeting others; Martin Luther King, Jr. looks on as Coretta Scott King meets New York City Mayor Robert Wagner

The most common forms of salutation are—"How d'ye do?" "How are you?" "Good-morning," and "Good-evening." The two latter forms seem the most appropriate, as it is most absurd to ask after a person's health and not stop to receive the answer. A respectful bow should always accompany the words of salutation.

Shaking Hands

Among friends the shaking of the hand is the most genuine and cordial expression of good-will. It is not necessary, though in certain cases it is not forbidden, upon introduction; but when acquaintanceship has reached any degree of intimacy, it is perfectly proper.

Etiquette Of Handshaking

Theodore Roosevelt meets a Native-American gent

Says an authority upon this subject: "The etiquette of handshaking is simple. A man has no right to take a lady's hand until it is offered. He has even less right to pinch or retain it. Two ladies shake hands gently and softly. A young lady gives her hand, but does not shake a gentleman's unless she is his friend. A lady should always rise to give her hand; a gentleman, of course, never dares to do so seated." 

On introduction in a room a married lady generally offers her hand; a young lady, not in a ballroom, where the introduction is to dancing, not to friendship, you never shake hands; and as a general rule, an introduction is not followed by shaking hands, only by a bow. 

It may perhaps be laid down that the more public the place of introduction, the less handshaking takes place. But if the introduction be particular, if it be accompanied by personal recommendation, such as, 'I want you to know my friend Jones,' or if Jones comes with a letter of presentation, then you give Jones your hand, and warmly then, too. 

Lastly, it is the privilege of a superior to offer or withhold his or her hand, so that an inferior should never put his forward first."

When a lady so far puts aside her reserve as to shake hands at all, she should give her hand with frankness and cordiality. There should be equal frankness and cordiality on the gentleman's part, and even more warmth, though a careful avoidance of anything like offensive familiarity or that which might be mistaken as such. A lady who has only two fingers to give in handshaking had better keep them to herself; and a gentleman who rudely presses the hand offered him in salutation, or too violently shakes it, ought never to have an opportunity to repeat his offence.

In shaking hands the right hand should always be offered, unless it be so engaged as to make it impossible, and then an excuse should be offered. The French give the left hand, as nearest the heart.

Strict etiquette requires that a gentleman should remove his glove previous to shaking hands, but common sense and the example of many well-bred people sanction its retention upon the hand if there is any difficulty or inconvenience in removing it.

The mistress of a household should offer her hand to every guest.

The Kiss

Kissing can be memorable when one adds the element of surprise!

The most familiar and affectionate form of salutation is the kiss. It need scarcely be said that this is only proper on special occasions and between special parties.

The Kiss Of Respect

Some cultures kiss upon greeting and it is good manners to follow accepted protocol when world leaders meet.

The kiss of mere respect—almost obsolete, I am «sorry to say, in this country—is made on the hand. This custom is retained in Germany and among gentlemen of the most courtly manners in England.

The Kiss Of Friendship

Friendship

The kiss of friendship and relationship is on the cheeks and forehead. As a general rule, this act of affection is excluded from public eyes in this country—in the case of parents and children unnecessarily so; for there is no more pleasing and touching sight than to see a young man kiss his mother, or a young woman her father, upon meeting or parting.

Women Kissing In Public

Custom seems to give a kind of sanction to women kissing each other in public; but there is, nevertheless, a touch of vulgarity about it, and a lady of really delicate perceptions will avoid it. I think every effort should be made to bring the practice into disuse.

The kiss of mere respect—almost obsolete, I am sorry to say, in this country—is made on the hand. This custom is retained in Germany and among gentlemen of the most courtly manners in England.

The "Lover's Kiss"

The Lover's Kiss

Not to be paraded in public!

It is hardly necessary to say that the lovers' kiss is never paraded in public. —From Eliza B. Duffey, 1877

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia