The Mask of Manners

Child specialists agree that manners are more than the facade — the curtsy, the bow, table decorum and social niceties. Underlying them in any situation must be a consideration for others, and this consideration stems from a sense of inner security and dignity. 

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Mere “Mask” Of Manners Is Assailed

“EVENTUALLY,” Amy Vanderbilt, author and authority on etiquette, said recently, “good manners will be almost the only status symbol left — but only if these manners are second nature.”


Child specialists agree that manners are more than the facade — the curtsy, the bow, table decorum and social niceties. Underlying them in any situation must be a consideration for others, and this consideration stems from a sense of inner security and dignity.


To judge a person’s character by his manners can be misleading, these authorities point out: Manners can mask true feelings.


“The child who is ‘too good’ is a child about whom you worry,” said Mrs Lucille Stein, director of parent counseling for the Child Study Association of America. “This applies to adults as well. The whole facade of manners can keep an individual from having real contact with people — sort of like never getting your hands dirty. It may be a symptom of emotional illness.”

Learn Rewards

The problem for parents is one of steering between rigidity, which may produce a stifled personality, and permissiveness, which may leave a child unprepared for social communication, anxious and selfish.


Children are born self-centered. However, they can learn at an early age that to, “do unto others” brings rewards. They also discover that manners can be fun — as, for example, the little girl who enjoys playing hostess at a tea party. The child thus develops self-confidence and the ability, according to Mrs Stein, “to detach from his mother, and find his place in the family and his age group and to move out into the world.”


No parent, however, can expect his child to learn all the desirable manners at once; age must be taken into account. Nor can the parent expect perfect adherence at all times; lapses must be expected. Nor should the parent be a stickler for a particular form of expression — “What a swell gift!” May be one child's way of saying, “Thank you.”


“Sometimes parents get upset by poor manners or lack of sharing,” Mrs Stein noted. “Their standards are beyond those which the child is able to work with. A child of 4 can understand the concept of sharing, but not until he is 5 or 6 can he appreciate the purpose of trying to behave at the dinner table with adults. The ability grows with the child.”

Special Challenge

Often, parents of the pre-adolescent — the child in the 7 to 11 age group —must overlook a great deal of negligence and manners. It is normal during this stage of growth to see children bolting out of the door to join their friends, leaving all semblance of manners behind.


The teenager, however, offers a special challenge to the parent. This time in life is one of rebellion, or even anti-social behavior. This is a time when parents must find a compromise between continual nagging and total permissiveness. The most important stimulant to good manners, authorities agree, is the example set by parents.


And it is in this area that parents often are at fault. Parents who are concerned about their child's poor manners, would be wise to examine their own.


“Manners come best,” said Mrs Aline B. Auerbach, director of parent-group education for the Child Study Association, “in families where the feeling of consideration for one another is part of daily life. The form isn't so important —it's the feeling.” — The New York Times, 1960

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More on Manners vs Manner

Manners are acquired by association, by contact, by slow degrees, through several generations, and by laborious effort, line upon line, precept upon precept, in each generation. We observe a similarity in the manner and in the manners of certain families. Sometimes servants take on a likeness of manner to those with whom they live, as children do, personality being always a force and carrying with it impressiveness of some sort. Both children and servants need molding, training in manners, while manner comes to them, as it were, without their knowledge. 

Be Natural — Due Regard for the Rights of Others, Harks True Politeness

Manner and manners are not precisely synonymous. One may possess ceremonious manners and in conjunction with these have a manner which antagonizes the very people whom the elaborate manners are intended to please. A boorish person may, by dint of careful imitation, acquire a veneer of courtesy, good so far as it goes, but when all is said only veneer, not the solid, polish-bearing wood. A person ignorant of social usages and unskilled in the conventionalities of the period maybe distinguished by a manner essentially charming. Manner is what we are, so to speak, in the grain. It is individuality. It is the outshining of the soul.

Manners are acquired by association, by contact, by slow degrees, through several generations, and by laborious effort, line upon line, precept upon precept, in each generation. We observe a similarity in the manner and in the manners of certain families. Sometimes servants take on a likeness of manner to those with whom they live, as children do, personality being always a force and carrying with it impressiveness of some sort. Both children and servants need molding, training in manners, while manner comes to them, as it were, without their knowledge. 

Occasionally one meets a gently bred elderly person who has not adopted certain forms and modes which are at present in vogue, and who innocently fails to meet the requirements of good form— a thing to be regretted, because the greater should everywhere include the less, and a well-bred manner, should presuppose perfect manners. At all times the requirements of politeness are founded upon good sense, upon kindness of heart, upon due regard for the rights of others. The rude, the brusque, the abrupt, trample on the sensibilities of their friends, as well as invade propriety, sometimes defending themselves as natural, and declaring that they abhor affectation and adore sincerity. They appear not to recognize the fallacy in this. 

A natural manner should, of all manners in the world, be sincere. Sincerity does not imply brutality. Affectation is less heinous and offensive than cruelty, and cruelty exists wherever one person needlessly wounds another. Gentle manners do much to oil the machinery of life at home and in the community. It costs little effort to say, “I thank you” and “If you please,” to acknowledge every kindness as a favor worth appreciation ; but, were it otherwise, effort in this direction would be well repaid. Especially in our intercourse with children or with the aged, with those who are in any way at a disadvantage as compared with ourselves, should we be careful to exercise a cordial politeness. If this be the manner of our outlook in the world, it will influence our manners to all whom we meet. — Harper's Bazar, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Instill Manners Early at Home

Children usually do not intend to be rude, but the very novelty of a situation sometimes embarrasses and so surprises them that they do not know what to do. Consequently “acting smart” is their refuge, and too often it appears at the table. A little home practice would save all this humiliation for both mother and child.

“Making Manners”

“Mary, Betty has such nice manners. I wish my children would behave like her when we go out to dine!” How often we hear a mother comment thus on some little girl who is “conspicuous” for her ladylike ways. Indeed, manners are to be valued as much in children as in grown people. These very little ones are later to be the grown people, and if their manners are to become a part of their everyday life, these graces and little courtesies must be encouraged to grow up with them, so they will reach perfection in later years. 

I have in mind a mother who has made a special point of good manners in bringing up her six-year-old daughter. This does not mean that she wants the little one to have an affected society suavity, but that she wants her to reflect the charm and refinement of the household. The mother demands company manners every day in the week. She serves the dinner each night in the dining room rather than amid the informality of the breakfast room or kitchen nook, although she does her own work and it means extra household tasks. 

This may seem a trivial step in manner making, but children respond more quickly to example and surroundings than they do to preaching and instructions. Dinner in the dining room, in this case, means that extra pains are taken to have the meal pleasant and attractive, and everyone is expected to help maintain this atmosphere. The mother may still wear her house dress, but it is sure to be spick and span and the little six-year-old is dressed late in the afternoon after her nap, ready for the evening meal. Her manners are practiced with the rest of the family, and she learns that politeness is not to be put on when going out to dine or having company, but is to be worn on all occasions.

Children usually do not intend to be rude, but the very novelty of a situation sometimes embarrasses and so surprises them that they do not know what to do. Consequently “acting smart” is their refuge, and too often it appears at the table. A little home practice would save all this humiliation for both mother and child. Eating in the dining room is just one means of teaching children that certain conventions help to make things pleasantly and that good breeding makes people welcome. As mothers train their children, so will they reflect that training as they go out into the world, and when they meet praise because of their conduct and manners, they will be grateful to her for the trouble she has taken. —Mill Valley Record, 1926

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Neglect in Teaching Manners

Oh dear... playing with one’s food is not on the menu! —“In any case, they show the most profound indifference to the forms of good breeding as established by long custom And the most unmitigated contempt for their mother’s visitors.”

On Young People’s Manners... 

and Parental Neglect of the Gracious Art ot Good Breeding

In some homes the belief in the ability of youth to guide itself aright is carried to the extent of forbearing to teach the very rudiments of good manners. It is assumed that contact with their fellows and the self education resulting from social attrition will turn the young people out at length as finished ladies and gentlemen Meanwhile they are allowed to be as objectionable as it pleases them to be, and no one lifts hand or voice in warning, in correction, in teaching. The boys slouch into the room, their grubby hands in their pockets, their caps on their unkempt heads. Perhaps they whistle; perhaps they shout, two or three in chorus. They are not checked, not taught better manners, not interfered with in any way. The girls, maybe at the awkward age when it is difficult to make them well bred with the greatest pains one can take, come ramping in with their brothers, giving the impression of a babel of voices, a forest of heads, a maddening group of windmills, whereof the sails are arms. 

If of the more studious kind, they “flump” themselves down in an easy chair doubled up in a half hoop and bury themselves in a book laid on their crossed knees. They take no notice of their mother’s guests, not even to say the usual formula, “How do you do?” or to answer “Quite well, thank you.” If frivolous, they snicker and giggle and talk in whispers one to the other; if quarrelsome, shout and wrangle. In any case, they show the most profound indifference to the forms of good breeding as established by long custom And the most unmitigated contempt for their mother’s visitors. How should they not? From the earliest days when they came in to the “5 o’clock,” where they demanded all they saw, yelled for cake, interrupted the conversation, were soothed when they ought to have been snubbed and indulged when they ought to have been expelled—from that time to now they have been suffered to do as they like. They have been taught nothing better, poor things, and the mistakes they make are due to ignorance rather than to direct intention and to thoughtlessness rather than design. 

Cognate with these rude forms, this high treason against that thing we call manners, is a certain kind of impoliteness, of negligence to which the young are prone unless made to do better and taught the more gracious way. They do not acknowledge the kindnesses done them, as those who have been duly taught that gracious art of good breeding know they ought to do. Chary of letter writing, they accept tickets for a ball or a theater, with thanks galore doubtless in their hearts, but never a word on paper. They spend a charming time at a friend’s house, then let weeks elapse before writing their thanks and expressing their pleasure, after which they wonder at the coolness which springs up between them and their quondam hostess and think themselves hardly used, being very sure they have done no wrong. — San Jose Herald, 1893

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Fostering Good Manners in Children

The old ideal of training in behavior was based largely upon the principle of the child’s consideration for its elders; the modern principle demands also the elders’ consideration for the child. -1915

Have you better manners than your children?

In the course of a very interesting article, entitled “Your Children’s Manners” in the Woman’s Home Companion, appears the following wise commentary: 

“Good company manners depend upon good home manners. As for table manners, the active child, who from his earliest years has been accustomed to regular meals of simple food with sufficient variety for his health and pleasure, will be hungry enough at mealtime to eat anything that is put before him. If, from the beginning, he has been encouraged by example, then good table manners will be as natural as breathing. They will be a part of him, and he will make use of them wherever he is.  

“The place for a parent to begin training the manners of her child is with her own manners. Whenever a mother complains of the bad manners of her child, she is unconsciously lodging a complaint against herself as a mother. The old ideal of training in behavior was based largely upon the principle of the child’s consideration for its elders; the modern principle demands also the elders’ consideration for the child.” — San Pedro News, 1915

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Pre-Schoolers

Little children have no appreciation of social usage. Indeed they have no use for it whatever, as yet they have a long way to go into their social development, before parents can expect them to defer to another child simply because he happens to be a guest. Lessons in fair dealings come first; etiquette can wait until the child is ready for it.

Your Child

By Jane Coward

When little Judy, who was visiting, decided that she wanted the toy with which three-year-old Allen was playing. Allen’s mother called him aside and whispered that he was the host and must let his guest have whatever she wanted. Just as any other normal youngster would have done under the circumstances, Allen refused. Then, after some pleading on mother's part, he reluctantly handed his toy over to his little friend, but promptly slapped her. It so happens that the toy in question was Allen’s favorite. But even if it weren’t a favorite plaything, a toy always seems more desirable to a youngster when another covets it. This always makes him feel proud of his ownership. And it won’t do any good to criticize the sudden change by saying, “You never cared for the toy before!” He cares for it now, and that will be enough to make him feel and behave with possessiveness where it is concerned. 

At no time should parents insist upon drawing room decorum for pre-school-age youngsters toward their little guests. Little children have no appreciation of social usage. Indeed they have no use for it whatever, as yet they have a long way to go into their social development, before parents can expect them to defer to another child simply because he happens to be a guest. First, they must learn to get along with little people. For this they have to learn respect for property, to take turns, to share things. Disagreements like the one described above between Allen and Judy are bound to arise wherever youngsters meet, whether at the playground, in nursery school or at each other’s homes. And the person in charge must be prepared to deal with them on a basis of equality. Judy, for example, might have been urged to offer a toy to Allen in exchange for the one which he was using. No matter that he was her host. It takes years for children to learn give and take, and training has to be pursued diligently as opportunities arise. Lessons in fair dealings come first; etiquette can wait until the child is ready for it. – Madera Tribune, 1942

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia