Etiquette and “Road Rude”

You really can’t judge a book by its cover! — I was given this book back in 2012 or 2013 by the late-Demita Usher, a very dear friend. I never really opened it up until a few weeks ago, due to the fact that Whoopi Goldberg is pictured on the cover, sitting on a toilet. Though it does have some profanity in it, overall, I have been pleasantly surprised. It’s filled with common sense, good daily manners, along with some wise words on life choices. I have a few young adults I’m planning on loaning it to soon.

I don't want anyone killing me with their car. Is that too much to ask? No, it's not. Then why are so many people trying to send me to my early reward with their vehicles? Truly. I can't believe some of the stunts I see pulled out there on the road. I have to say the worst behavior you see from people is when they get a steering wheel in their hands. To the point that I believe that your car is like a brain scan of your personality.

If you are a polite person or just a normal, considerate, going along-and-along-in-life person, that's pretty evident. You get a smile and a nod from me at the next stoplight.

If you are easily distracted, clumsy, or kind of off in the ozone, we're going to see that too. Please try to keep it off the sidewalk.

And if you are a jackass? Well, trust me, we know. We all know. And the way you carry on, we get plenty of opportunities to confirm that.

Do you think that when you get inside your car and close the door you become magically invisible? You do not. Not even with those tinted windows you think look so cool. We can see you. And it ain't pretty.

Some folks will surprise you when you see what they pull on the highway. These are the people who may not show signs of aggression or rudeness or risky behavior sitting in the break room with you at work, or selling you a nice pair of shoes at the department store. But don't be fooled. It doesn't mean that it's not part of their personality. Like that famous cartoon folks saw in driver's ed. It's where good ol' Goofy gets behind the wheel and suddenly becomes Satan. That's what happens to some people. Folks turn on that ignition, and suddenly, Satan rules.

What makes that happen? Maybe somebody chewed them out just before they left the factory, or they learned in the parking lot that some dude from the marketing department got the promotion they wanted. Or their girlfriend cheated on them. Or their boyfriend refuses to ask his best bud from college to find a motel for the weekend so they can have some alone time.

Or. Or. Or.

Does it matter what reason people have to be misbehaving behind the wheel? Hell, no. Screw the reason, all I care about is how they drive. And if you are a person who acts out with bad behavior behind the wheel, I have a message for you.

If you speed through a school zone, I have a message for you.

If you park in handicapped spaces, I have a message for you.

If you weave through cars on the interstate like it was your personal slalom, I have a message for you.

If you zip into a parking spot that somebody else has been patiently waiting for, I have a message for you. If you run lights, or bust a crosswalk with people in it, I have a message for you.

If other, more reasonable people obey the law and common sense and pull to the right to let a fire truck or an ambulance pass, and you use that opportunity to pass them all because you think you're so special that doesn't apply to you, I have a message for you.

If you tailgate, practice road rage, live on your horn, pollute with your smoky tailpipe, blind people with your high beams, dent somebody's fender and drive off, throw litter out the car window, drink, text, or watch videos on your cell phone while you should be driving, I have a message for you.

You're looking at it. — From “Is It Just Me? Or is it nuts out there?” by Whoopi Goldberg, 2010

🚘Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Good Manners Beget Good Manners

Simple good manners beget good manners. Most of us, though quite unaware of it, are imitative. We react almost instantly to the spirit of the other person and take our cue from his behavior. Thus, when we are pushed in the subway, we push back. When we are yelled at by a motorist, we retaliate. No wonder that at the end of a day nerves are raw and tempers hot. But it is all so needless even in the rush hours of a big city. 

The Simple Act Of Courtesy

Last week a tiny elderly lady from Virginia visiting in New York asked me to help her shop for gifts to take back to her family. After a tour of stores she remarked how courteous the sale spcople were. But I noticed that in this rushed and noisy and often harsh metropolis it was her own courtesy that had induced courtesy in return. When she spoke, softly and graciously, irritability vanished and voices turned gentle. Unconsciously, her manner influenced theirs.

Later in the afternoon, she asked to stop at my local dry cleaners. Here, I was sure, the ill-tempered manager would ruin her illusion that all New Yorkers were polite. She wanted 24-hour service on a dress, a request which would normally send him into a small fury. But again, the little miracle occurred. “Anything for a lady,” he said, and opened the door for us as we left. So do simple good manners beget good manners. Most of us, though quite unaware of it, are imitative. We react almost instantly to the spirit of the other person and take our cue from his behavior. Thus, when we are pushed in the subway, we push back. When we are yelled at by a motorist, we retaliate. No wonder that at the end of a day nerves are raw and tempers hot. But it is all so needless even in the rush hours of a big city. 

Traffic is fully as tangled and hectic as in Chicago or New York, but a calmly agreeable mood prevails throughout the day. Rather than try to beat one another onto a bus, people line up in orderly fashion awaiting their turn and heaven help the rude oaf who tries to cheat. He is rarely rebuked, but the concerted chill of the British glance would freeze an Eskimo.

As a woman bus conductor explained to me when I marveled at how smoothly this system worked: "We don't queue up just for buses, we do it at the greengrocers or any place that's busy." I said, "You’ve used courtesy to organize, to streamline. And it's such a gracious system.” “Well,” she said practically, "I don't know how gracious it is, but it sure saves everybody time.” I am often surprised how few people realize that simple acts of courtesy actually save time by bringing order out of confusion. – Elizabeth Byrd for Lenten Guideposts, 1965

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette on the Road

Don't be an animal behind the wheel. ~ “You will see the timid man, or woman, grow bullying and bellicose behind the wheel. You will note the neighbor's fender scraped as your man pulls heedlessly out of the parking spot, the pedestrian narrowly missed and roundly cursed although he has the right of way.”– Amy Vanderbilt

“If you are really observant, you can learn more about a person's poise, considerateness (or lack of it), probity, and judgment by riding with him at the wheel of his car than you can by studying him long hours in his living room. You will see the timid man, or woman, grow bullying and bellicose behind the wheel. Your will note the neighbor's fender scraped as your man pulls heedlessly out of the parking spot, the pedestrian narrowly missed and roundly cursed although he has the right of way. You will experience the senseless weaving in and out of traffic with the many near accidents it causes.

“The established rules of driving are for the protection of other drivers and the non-driving public, but they are also related to good manners. If you do scrape someone else's fender in leaving a parking space, you should, as a well-mannered person, leave your car and arrange to make good the damage, even if the law didn't held you responsible under the circumstances.

“Most careful people carry liability and property damage even in states where it is not actually required, but most insurance doesn't cover such slight property damage as is occasioned by the scraping of a fender. The owner of the car must pay for that himself. You who inflicted the damage may find your own insurance will cover even such minor damage to someone else's car, but even if it doesn't, you should make yourself responsible.

“If no one is in the other car, leave a card or note with your name and address so that matters may be arranged between you. In some states any damage over a certain amount to another car or to your own even, in the latter case, if you inflicted it yourself must be reported to police. Elsewhere, adjustments of this kind are a matter of good manners.” — Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette             

Once on the road it is your responsibility to be alert to every circumstance that may affect your driving so that you will not endanger, or even inconvenience others.

Keep to the Right

“Courtesy, Safety, Legality ~ These are the triplets of driving, so nearly identical, as to make them often indistinguishable. As it is rude to push violently through a crowd of people, so is it also in a car to weave in and out of traffic carelessly. It is also unsafe and illegal. As you do not (if you are courteous) hurry on the street in order to push in front of another approaching at right angles, a courteous and safe driver does not attempt to beat another car across the road or street intersection. If he is discourteous enough to do so he may be the cause of a serious accident, and whether he is or not he may receive a ticket for traffic law violation. So it is with many of the rules of the road. The rules of courtesy, the legal code, and the rules of safety are, more often than not, the same. The measure of a good driver is the extent to which he observes all three.

On Being Alert

“Once on the road it is your responsibility to be alert to every circumstance that may affect your driving so that you will not endanger, or even inconvenience others. You must be constantly aware of everything ahead of you and even on each side of the road or street, as far as you can see, and ready to anticipate any movement that may affect your driving -- other cars, pedestrians, children, dogs and other animals -- and of the physical facts connected with the road or street itself -- sharp turns, dips, bumps, obstructions, or slippery spots on the pavement.”– Eleanor Roosevelt's Common Sense Book of Etiquette

From “Situations That May Spark Road Rage”

The first step in avoiding road rage is, knowing which situations are most likely to provoke anger. Using logic and experience, I know that the following factors all increase road-rage substantially. 

Pardon any redundancies:
-Hot weather
-Slow or backed up traffic
-Any and all construction zones
-Waiting with no end in sight (a crowded post-event parking lot that doesn’t appear to be emptying) 

-Being forced to stop at a location that is usually clear (active construction zones)
-Being forced to drive slowly for no apparent reason (a construction zone where no workers are present). 

-Drivers talking on cell phones.

Any police officer will tell you that there exists a direct correlation between hot weather and bad stuff happening. Domestic abuse, gang activity, and assaults all spike in the heat. Besides, nobody likes roasting inside a hot car while the sun beats down.

If you are stuck in a traffic jam or bumper-to-bumper situation during record-breaking heat days, be extra alert for road-rage, and be extra cautious and extra reserved in your actions. Communicate with the drivers around you (we’ll talk about this in a moment) before every action. Be extra weary of people whose windows are down, as they most likely do not have working air-conditioners, and will therefore be most affected (and aggravated) by being forced to wait in the heat.

Also be weary of older, rougher-looking cars that may be prone to engine over-heating. While a healthy car can idle in 100-degree weather all day without overheating, cars with poorly maintained cooling systems depend strongly on airflow to cool their engines. If someone is driving a poorly maintained junker, it’s probably because he can’t afford a nicer car, and he probably depends strongly on the vehicle.

Even the most patient man’s patience can be tested during a construction-related delay. Be extra vigilant in these situations. A smart man in the pictured situation would ensure that he is in the far right-hand lane- which would allow for an escape.

And, it would be incredibly irritating (to say the least), if ‘a stupid construction worker holding a freaking stop sign’ “caused” his car to overheat and break down. Keep your windows up, your air conditioner pumping, and stay alert.

Traffic Backups

You don’t have to have a bad temper to understand how frustrating it is to be in a hurry for an appointment (or work, or whatever) only to run into heavy traffic. At that point, even sensible people get frustrated.

As with hot-weather, be extra reserved of even the most simple traffic maneuver- such as changing lanes. If someone is leaving space in front of their car, unless they are signaling for you to merge into it, you should assume that the space is sacred to them. And, even though they don’t ‘own’ the road, merging into their sacred, personal space can be considered a violation of their space- a big no-no. Therefore, communicate, communicate, and communicate. (We’ll talk about communication shortly).

Assume nothing, and especially if you are entering the roadway, do so as if you are a guest, and the drivers already there are the owners. Adopting this mindset will change your approach on so many levels, and you will be shocked at how much more pleasant of an experience you will have.

Construction Zones

The rules of hot weather and especially traffic backups obviously apply to construction zones, but an important fact to recognize is that a construction zone is a much more frustrating kind of backup than say, a traffic accident.

The frustration of having to wait so that ‘your tax money can be dumped into a stupid road’ is compounded by the unsympathetic faces of the construction workers. Even though the ‘rage’ may be created by the construction zones and personnel, the slightest infringement may have all this anger directed at you- so proceed with caution and be on high alert for rage in construction zones.

Waiting, Without Apparent Reason

Logically, delays are infinitely more tolerable if the person waiting can see a justifiable reason before him as to why he is being forced to wait. For example, nobody honks their horn when they are 30 yards from a three-car pileup that is covering both lanes of freeway traffic, as police and medical personnel rush to treat victims. In fact, I’d dare say most people would forget about whatever it was that they were in a hurry for, and rush to the aid of the responders.

The other side of this coin is that people are infinitely less tolerable of delays if they see no apparent reason for the delay. For example, the guy at the front of the line mentioned above would wait all day with patience, while a guy stuck between two semi-trucks a mile back will have a much lower threshold of agitation.

Still, even a sensible person knows that IF traffic is not moving, THEN there is a reason- and probably a GOOD reason at that. For some people though, and especially those who “suffer from” (read: 'choose to have') road-rage, unless they can see why they are waiting, there is NO good reason, and their anger grows and grows.

Exhibit A....

A friend of mine has very little patience. I was unlucky enough to be riding with him when we came upon a construction zone, where one lane had been closed, and traffic was being directed through the single open lane. In a simple two- lane road, we would only have had to wait while the oncoming traffic cleared before it would have been our turn to go. 

But in this case, the road being worked on went through the middle of a large town, which made the way traffic was being directed appear illogical, and we had to wait for maybe 15 minutes. A group of cars would pass, and then there would be a full minute of nothing, all while the flagger in front of us looked bored holding a walkie-talkie in one hand, and a “STOP” sign in the other. 

This in-action caused great frustration on the part of the guy I was riding with, but it was a great learning experience for my level-headed self. After the first couple minutes of waiting, where no cars appeared to be coming, the driver merely grumbled to himself and threw his car into park and killed the engine. Then came the first wave of cars, where he said “finally!”, started the car, put it back into gear, and waited. The cars cleared, but still the flagger held fast. 

After 30 seconds of this, the driver yelled out his open window, “What’s the hold up!?”. The construction worker (the poor guy) obviously became instantly worried, and I could tell he didn’t deal with too many irate people. The driver (who was second in line), acted like he was going to just start driving anyway, and pulled halfway around the car in front of him. 

Just as I was about to intervene with a “Dude, chill out!”, he thought better of running the stop- sign and stopped pulling forward, leaving us awkwardly sideways (there were a couple dozen people behind us). He then tapped on his horn a few times, and out of pure embarrassment, I began trying to think of something to say that wouldn’t set this guy off.  

Luckily for me, he turned to me with an agitated look and said “doesn’t this s--- just piss you off??”. “Honestly? No, it doesn’t.” I said. “What?! Why not?” It was as if he had just thought I didn’t understand the tragedy of the situation- of having to wait for 15 minutes during an overall hour drive home. “Well, for one thing, we’re not in that big of a hurry,” (we had just returned from fishing), “but everyone else is waiting too, and besides- if they are telling us to stop, there must be a good reason.” 

Obviously, my argument was dead on, and even though the realization that I was looking down at him made the driver calm down a lot, he was still very angry by the time we were able to go, and insisted on making direct eye contact with every construction worker that we passed. I happen to know this person well enough to know that had any of them met his stare in a “what??” fashion, he would have stopped the car and tried to pick a fight. Needless to say, that was the last time I rode with him.

Being Forced to Drive Slowly

To the person prone to ‘road rage’, having to drive slowly is only slightly less angering than having to wait at a stand-still. In fact, in the case of the “slow driver”, it may be worse- because at least with the traffic backup, there is usually no specific person to take ones anger out on.

Having to follow a slow driver isn’t an issue unless the opportunity to pass is not present. If there is a bottle-neck, and the person behind you appears to be agitated at the speed that you are travelling, you might want to consider just speeding up. While you have the right to drive any speed you want (within the law), you also have the duty to not do things that may provoke an attack. Again- YOU are right, and HE is wrong. HE is being a big jerk. But... you are the more reasonable person here, and it’s your duty to take command of the situation.

In this situation, do what you can to simply blend in with the flow of the traffic. If given the opportunity, let them go by you! It may even mean as much as pulling over. It’s definitely not a dignified thing to do, but it sure beats getting into a fist-fight, or much worse.

Being on Your Cell Phone

I can honestly say that I am almost exactly as competent (in good weather) while ON my cell phone as I am while off. I’m not bragging, because I truly think most people are- most armed citizens, anyway, which includes you. It’s just that I’ve had a lot of practice, and I have good judgment. If talking on my cell phone made me inattentive, or if the conversation is too demanding, I simply hang up.

Still, if you commit a ‘driving sin’ (respective to the angry person) while on your phone, you will cause much more anger in him than had you done the same thing while off your cell phone. This is largely due to the fact that there’s a stigma that drivers who talk on their cell phones are bad drivers, who don’t pay attention. It’s obviously better to be able to focus 100% of your attention to driving, but if you must talk on your cell phone, be extra attentive to the drivers around you.

Being forced to drive slowly- behind a slow-moving vehicle, for example- can bring the worst out of people who 'suffer from' (read: 'choose to have') road rage.

From "Stayin' Alive Behind the Wheel," by Patrick Kilchermann

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia