Antebellum Gents vs Parlor Snakes… More

“If you meet a lady acquaintance in the street, it is her part to notice you first, unless you are very intimate. The reasons are first, she is the superior; if you bow to a lady first, she may not choose to acknowledge you, and there is no remedy; but if she bow to you—you as a gentleman cannot cut her.’’

Fundamentals Remain the Same, But Strange Modifications Take Place in So-called Polite Behavior

Funny thing, etiquette! Some ways it changes most remarkably from generation; in other respects it remains the same down through the ages. From which one gathers that those points that remain ever the same contain some germ of the universal, while those that change with the seasons have to do with mere fashion. Which observations are stimulated by opening the covers of a little manual, dated 1848, and entitled “Etiquette for Gentlemen.” 

Back in 1848 you could tell a “gentleman” from a mere person. Now-a-days it isn’t so easy. The ante-bellum parlor snake, according to the picture on the cover of the little book, wore highwaisted trousers, with gaiter straps under his boots, a claw-hammer coat, an elaborate neckerchief and a shiny high beaver hat. One of the striking features of the little book, according to these free and easy times, is the chivalric deference assumed toward women. ’Tis said these courtesies were protective coloring for an Oriental attitude toward women, and upon the other hand, this view of the matter has been scouted by many. 

However, the little book says: “If you meet a lady acquaintance in the street, it is her part to notice you first, unless you are very intimate. The reasons are first, she is the superior; if you bow to a lady first, she may not choose to acknowledge you, and there is no remedy; but if she bow to you—you as a gentleman cannot cut her.’’ And again, in re introductions, “The inferior should always be introduced to the superior; the gentleman to the lady.’’ 

In the Ball Room 

Here is a little sentiment that might go well at dances of the present day. Almost any girl will tell you so. “If a lady should excuse herself from dancing when you have asked her, and you should immediately afterward see her dancing with another, do not take any unpleasant notice of it; the probability is that she preferred and expected to dance with someone better known and more highly favored, and not that she had any objection to you!’’ The present day youth gives the poor girl a “nasty look” upon similar occasions and ever afterward refuses to dance with the offending damsel. She has taken unwarranted liberty with the lordly male. 

Another quaint bit of instruction in ball room deportment is this: “If a lady waltz with you, beware not to press her waist; lightly touch it with the open palm of your hand, lest you leave a disagreeable impression, not only on her ceinture, but on her mind.” Times have certainly changed! Here is a style that many of the more juvenile hostesses have found sadly out of date with the lads: “If you have accepted an invitation, do not fail to keep it, unless for the most unavoidable reasons.” 

The Music Room 

“If you intend to sing, do not affect to refuse when asked, but at once accede.” “When a lady is going to the piano, if near her, rise and give her your arm; if you can read music, turn over the leaves for her at the proper time.’’  This valuable little hand book belonged to John M. French of Keokuk, Iowa., grandfather of E. A. French of the National Bank of Riverside. — Riverside Daily Press, 1922

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Antebellum Ballroom Etiquette

Have the carpets taken up two days before the evening of the ball, and the floor waxed. A smooth, polished floor is an absolute necessity for pleasant dancing. At one end of your ball room, have a space partitioned off for the mu sicians. Leave, for their use, plenty of room, as silence or discord will come from a crowded orchestra.

In making your list for a ball, do not set down all of your “dear five hundred friends.” The middle-aged, (unless they come as chaperons,) the serious, and the sober-minded, will not accept your invitation, and the two last named may consider it insulting to be invited to so frivolous an amusement. By the way, I do not agree with the straight-laced people, who condemn all such amusements. I agree with Madame Pilau. When the curé of her parish told her he was writing a series of sermons against dancing, she said to him: “You are talking of what you do not understand You have never been to a ball, I have; and I assure you there is no sin in the matter worthy of mention or notice.”

If you really wish for dancing, you will accommodate your guests to your rooms, inviting one third more than they will hold, as about that number generally disappoint a ball-giver. If you wish to have a rush of people, and do not mind heat, crowding, and discomfort, to insure an immense assembly, (a ball to be talked about for its size only,) then you may invite every body who figures upon your visiting list. Over one hundred is a “large ball,” under that a “ball,” unless there are less than fifty guests, when it is merely a “dance.”

The directions given in chapter 5th for the arrangement of the dressing-rooms will apply here, but your parlor, or ball room, requires some attention. Have the carpets taken up two days before the evening of the ball, and the floor waxed. A smooth, polished floor is an absolute necessity for pleasant dancing. At one end of your ball room, have a space partitioned off for the musicians. Leave, for their use, plenty of room, as silence or discord will come from a crowded orchestra. If your house is double, and you use the rooms on each side, place the musicians in the hall.

Four pieces of music is enough for a private ball, unless your rooms are very large. For one room a piano, violin, and violin-cello makes a good band. You must have your rooms well ventilated if you wish to avoid fainting and discomfort.

To secure a really brilliant ball, pay considerable attention to the arrangement of your ball room. In Paris this arrangement consists in turning the room, for the evening, into a perfect garden. Every corner is filled with flowers. Wreaths, bouquets, baskets, and flowering- plants in moss-covered pots. With brilliant light, and taste in the details of arranging them, this profusion of flowers produces an exquisitely beautiful effect, and har- monizes perfectly with the light dresses, cheerful faces, and gay music. The pleasure of your guests, as well as the beauty of the rooms, will be increased by the elegance of your arrangements; their beauty will be heightened by brilliant light, and by judicious management a scene of fairy-like illusion may be produced.

Not only in the ball room itself, but in the hall, supper- room, and dressing-rooms, place flowers. A fine effect is produced, by placing a screen, covered with green and flowers, before the space set apart for the musicians. To hear the music proceeding from behind this floral embankment, and yet have the scraping and puffing men invisible, adds very much to the illusion of the scene. – From the Ladies’ Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness in 1860, By Florence Hartley

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia