Etiquette Often Lacking in Colonial Ms.

Molly Pitcher at the Battle of Monmouth, painted by D.N. Carter. –“Molly Pitcher” was the popular name for Mrs. Ludwig Hayes – Courtesy of Historic Fraunces Tavern Museum for the Desert Sun, 1975

         The Role of the Colonial Ms.

Colonial women defied generalization. They were neither fashion plates nor queen bees. They proved a testy lot, durable as rawhide, serving with their tough-minded, tabasco-tongued men in a violent and primitive land.

Mobs were not uncommon in the city, and like as not they were mobs of women. Some stripped and tarred offensive members of the community. The women of Schoharie County, N.Y., for instance, made manifest their indignation at being served eviction notices by the local sheriff by dragging him through the street, riding him on a rail and sending him home with two broken ribs and one remaining eye.

The same spirit, directed toward worthy ends, made for remarkable testimonials to the business acumen and accomplishments of colonial women. Eliza Pinckney, daughter of a British army officer, founded the multi-million dollar indigo dye industry of South Carolina. Mrs. Martha Smith carried on in her husband's stead as the master of a testy, leather-necked lot of Long Island whalers.

Likewise, the irrepressible Mrs. Sueton Grant of Newport, R.I., became a merchant princess in command of a sizable fleet of ships left to her by her husband. The very liberated Mrs. Grant was a tough and determined adversary. She believed in standing up to her rights in court Literally. Once, convinced that her counsel was bungling her law case, she rose to press the fight herself, secured her verdict and probably became the first woman to practice law in any English-speaking country.

Colonial women were by no means barred from commercial pursuits. Opportunities were as varied as imagination, and America's women did not lack for imagination. They did anything that came to mind. In New York, for instance, widows were accustomed to opening saloons; and New York State looked upon the grant of a tavern license to a widow as a modest form of social security. In nearby Bordentown, N.J., the redoubtable Patience Lovell Wright, widowed with three small children, turned to her long-standing hobby of molding effigies in clay and wax, and she prospered at this unique endeavor. By 1771, Mrs. Wright had an extremely successful New York showing a la Madame Tussaud.

America was already a nation of individuals. While some families taught their daughters the niceties of etiquette and the simple pleasures of needle wisdom, others even families of quality raised young ladies who smoked pipes, drank in an age of ferocious drinkers, and swore in a time when an oath was an oath and a curse could get you kicked out of town.

And colonial women did not hesitate to fight alongside their men when the Revolution changed from an idea in the minds of the people to a reality on the battlefield. Wives followed husbands into the field of war. Much more than camp followers, they proved to be smoke eaters involved in the thick of battle. One is reminded of the leather-tough women of Schoharie County when one reads this eyewitness account of tobacco-smoking, plug-chewing, oath-swearing soldier Mrs. Ludwig Hayes.

“A woman whose husband belonged to the artillery and who was then attached to a piece in the engagement, attended with her husband at the piece the whole time. While in the act of reaching a cartridge and having one of her feet as far before the other as she could step, a cannon shot from the enemy passed directly between her legs without doing any other damage than carrying away all the lower part of her petticoat. Looking at it with apparent unconcern, she observed that it was lucky it did not pass a little higher, for in that case it might have carried away something else, and continued her occupation.”

Filled with the new ideas of independence and equality, women helped to build this nation as surely as did the men. Although feminism was not a household word in Revolutionary America, as it is today, equal opportunity was a reality that many Colonial women enjoyed. – Adapted from the book “We the People,” (c)1975, Hallmark Cards, Inc. Reprinted by permission by The Desert Sun, 1975

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Evolving American Dining Etiquette

From Colonists to First Peoples to American Communal Family Dining

Depiction of Thanksgiving at Plymouth Colony 

At Plymouth Colony standards of deportment were established from readings of the poet Richard Braithwait's The English Gentleman and Description of a Good Wife, (1619). From the beginning, American society struggled with questions of identity, debating whether to create a uniquely American code of etiquette or merely to perpetuate the customs of the mother country. Eleazar Moody's School of Good Manners, (1715) did little to differentiate New Englander's manners from those of their cousins in Britain.

Mandan Feast ~ “The simple feast which was spread before us consisted of three dishes only, two of which were served in wooden bowls, and the third in an earthen vessel of their own manufacture, somewhat in shape of a bread-tray in our own country. This last contained a quantity of pem-I-can and marrow fat; and one of the former held a fine brace of buffalo ribs, delightfully roasted; and the other was filled with a kind of paste or pudding, made of the flour of the "pomme hlanche", as the French call it, a delicious turnip of the prairie, finely flavored with the buffalo berries, which are collected in great quantities in this country, and used with divers dishes in cooking, as we in civilized countries use dried currants, which they very much resemble.” –from Catlin's Letters and Notes 

Travelers and explorers sometimes encountered customs that, although different from their own, prompted admiration. While living alone among the Mandan, the US artist George Catlin, known for his depictions of Plains Indian life, remarked on the style of dining that allowed sitting cross-legged or reclining with the feet drawn close under the body. He noted that the Indian women gracefully served the diners and reseated themselves in a movement that allowed them modesty and poise at the same time that it left their hands free for lifting and maneuvering dishes.

A Canadian Inuit 

More common for those traveling or living in unfamiliar climes were manners that struck the visitors as unsanitary– or worse. Sir William Edward Parry, Arctic expeditioner to the Canadian north from 1819-1822, saw Eskimo etiquette from the point of view of a polite Englishman from the Regency Period. He describes how, when serving of food from the “ootkooseek” (cook pot) during a meal, the woman of the house lifted a lump of cooked meat with her fingers and handed it to the man of the house, who began the repast. After clenching the mass between his teeth, he sliced of a portion and passed both knife and remaining meat to the next diner. 
 

Communal American Family Style Dining – This style remains popular in the United States, though it is not always possible in modern day blended or fractured family homes. 

The communal dining style common in farm families of North America dictated an etiquette suited to time and place. The absence of serving pieces required some restructuring of formal rules of table service. “Aunt Betsy's Rule,” and “How It Worked,” 1863, issued by the Presbyterian Board of Publication and Sabbath-School, explained the use of personal knife and fork for removing meat, potatoes, vegetables, and pudding from a single shared dish. The text added, in the same way, a piece of bread or better was cut, and the tip of the knife dipped in the salt. The pitcher of water was passed around the table, and all drank from it.

The Shakers, who lived and worked in communes in New England, New York, Pennsylvania, Kentucky, and Ohio, observed a strict separation of the sexes in the commune refectory. Rules for the clan required that all wait until the elder begin eating. Diners cut their meat into square and equal parts and took some of all foods on their plates. They clean their plates and “shakered” them by laying knife fork and bones to one side before scraping up crumbs. 

The rules of the table mandated covering the nose and mouth with a handkerchief when sneezing or coughing, using a clean knife to cut butter, and swallowing chewed food and using a napkin before speaking or drinking.

In the 1880s, works such as “Social Etiquette of New York” demonstrated that the ongoing debate between traditional European manners and new American ways favored the Continent. In the late 19th century however, Americans began to become comfortable with themselves and formulate their own rules for formal table setting, serving, and eating.

                  

Front and back of late 1800’s collectors’ cigarette card for Thanksgiving Day, from a set featuring different holidays around the world. 

–Most text from the Encyclopedia of Kitchen History by Mary Ellen Snodgrass

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia

Table Manners Taught in the 1700’s

To read all of the 110 Rules of Civility copied by George Washington in school, click here

By-Paths of History

What strange rules regarding table manners were used in the training of young people in Washington’s time? When George Washington was a youth he copied down the prevailing rules of etiquette, and, as he grew older, he was guided by them. Among the hundred and ten “Rules of Civility,” as they were called, were the following:

1. Being set at meat, do not scratch, cough, or blow your nose, except there’s necessity for it. 
2. Take no salt or cut your bread with a greasy knife. 
3. If you soak bread in the sauce, let it be no more than you can put in your mouth at a time; blow not your broth at table, stay until it cools itself. 
4. Put not your meat to your mouth with your knife in your hand, neither spit forth any stones of any fruit pye upon a dish, nor cast anything under the table. 
5. Put not another bite into your mouth till the former be swallowed; let not your morsels be too big for the gowls. 
6. Cleanse not your teeth with the table cloth, napkin, fork or knife, but if others do it, let it be done with a tooth pick. 
7. Kill no vermin as fleas, ticks, lice, etc., at table in sight of others. 
8. Drink not too leisurely nor yet too hasty. Before and after drinking wipe your lips, breathe not then or ever with too great a noise. 

Table manners have changed somewhat since Washington’s time, but even in our enlightened days we occasionally find those who inhale their soup and dunk their toast. – By Guy Allison, 1944

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette In Early America

Depiction of Thanksgiving at Plymouth Colony

At Plymouth Colony standards of deportment were established from readings of the poet Richard Braithwait's The English Gentleman and Description of a Good Wife, (1619). From the beginning, American society struggled with questions of identity, debating whether to create a uniquely American code of etiquette or merely to perpetuate the customs of the mother country. Eleazar Moody's School of Good Manners, (1715) did little to differentiate New Englander's manners from those of their cousins in Britain.

Depiction of a Mandan Feast 

A Mandan Feast ~ "The simple feast which was spread before us consisted of three dishes only, two of which were served in wooden bowls, and the third in an earthen vessel of their own manufacture, somewhat in shape of a bread-tray in our own country. This last contained a quantity of pem-I-can and marrow fat; and one of the former held a fine brace of buffalo ribs, delightfully roasted; and the other was filled with a kind of paste or pudding, made of the flour of the "pomme hlanche", as the French call it, a delicious turnip of the prairie, finely flavored with the buffalo berries, which are collected in great quantities in this country, and used with divers dishes in cooking, as we in civilized countries use dried currants, which they very much resemble." — From “Catlin's Letters and Notes”

Travelers and explorers sometimes encountered customs that, although different from their own, prompted admiration. While living alone among the Mandan, the US artist George Catlin, known for his depictions of Plains Indian life, remarked on the style of dining that allowed sitting cross-legged or reclining with the feet drawn close under the body. He noted that the Indian women gracefully served the diners and reseated themselves in a movement that allowed them modesty and poise at the same time that it left their hands free for lifting and maneuvering dishes. — From Mary Ellen Snodgrass‘s “Encyclopedia of Kitchen History”

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

George Washington’s Table Manners

First President of the United States, George Washington. Click on Washington’s name for the complete 110 “Rules of Civility” 

What rules of etiquette were thought to be of sufficient importance by Washington, that he copied them in a note book? The social status of a man or woman is usually easily determined by his observance or lack of observance of prevailing rules of etiquette. That these rules vary from time to time is indicated by the following advice given to young people in the time of George Washington. 

In a neatly written volume by our first President during the days of his youth, he copied down 110 rules by which his social standards were to be maintained. Among those rules were the following: 

1. If you soak bread in sauce let it be no more than you can put in your mouth at a time; blow not your broth at table, stay until it cools itself. 
2. Being set at meal, do not scratch, cough, or blow your nose except there’s necessity for it. 
3. Put not your meat to your mouth with your knife in your hand, neither spit forth any stones of any fruit pie upon a dish, nor cast anything under the table. 
4. Cleanse not your teeth with the table cloth, napkin, fork or knife, but if others do it, let it be done with a toothpick. 
5. Kill no vermin, as fleas, lice, ticks, etc., at table in the sight of others.
6. Drink not too leisurely, nor yet too hasty. Before and after drinking, wipe your lips. Breathe not then, or even with too great a noise. 
7. Put not another bite into your mouth till the former be swallowed; let not your morsels be too big for the jowls. 

Folks were surely limited in their operations at the dinner table during the days of Washington, weren’t they? – By Guy Allison, 1943

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette History and America

One theme commonly seen in Native American legends is that of hospitality. In particular, stingy hosts are derided, and tribespeople who mistreat orphans, stepchildren, or captives are often harshly punished. (It was the custom in many tribes for prisoners-of-war to be adopted into the tribe that captured them, and although many former captives integrated easily into their new families, there were some who were badly treated. This was naturally a matter of great concern among Native American tribes, since they had to trust one another to treat each others' captives fairly. –Native Languages.org

The Native Americans taught our forefathers much in the art of hospitality. It is believed by many, that the Native Americans are, and always have been, the most hospitable groups of the world. Much that is Native American is woven into our social fabric.

The United States, which is less then three hundred years old as a nation, has borrowed most of its manners and customs from other, older civilizations. Though there have been in this country, many writers on etiquette, the truth is that we have accepted our etiquette ready-made. There are, of course some customs and fashions that are distinctly American; but most of the things we do and say show the influence of the Old World.

After all, what customs could we have created here in young America? What code of etiquette could we have developed in the short time that we have been a separate people and to separate nation call? Etiquette is a growth. It began in earliest times and has been progressing, developing, growing ever since. 

The history of its development differs in the various countries; sometimes we find a highly developed etiquette as in the time of Marcus Aurelius who, in the Golden Age of Rome, taught politeness and consideration for others, taught courtesy and ease and gentleness. And then we see etiquette sink far below the levels of civilization, as in the time of Nero, who originated so many new ways of torture, who made death in a plaything and his savage arena a playground.

This etiquette, while it remains essentially and fundamentally the same, is to a certain extent a reflection of the periods through which it is passed. The age of man in the long ages of antiquity—they blend into one shadowy beautiful whole, the fabric of human existence. –The Customs of Mankind

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Evolution of American Etiquette

The early struggle for existence was a great leveler of castes and classes, and everyone worked together for the general good.

During the early colonization (in America) etiquette was negligible, of course. The early struggle for existence was a great leveler of castes and classes, and everyone worked together for the general good. There was a wholesome simplicity, an inspiring generosity, a kindliness and thoughtfulness toward one another.

Before the colonies declared their independence there was an influx of French and other foreign ideas. From France, Italy, Holland, England emanated much that we ourselves are. After the Revolution, peculiarly enough, the social ideas and ideals of the United States were distinctly English. The Colonial style was the English style; the young nation could break away from the power of the older nation, but not from the influence of its manners and customs.

Washington set the pace for diplomatic simplicity in the United States, although there was a certain courtliness. A contemporary of France, visiting the young nation, reports of Washington: "He was as gracious as a king."

During the first hundred years of its existence, United States was the forcing house for the customs, whims, fantasies, fashions of all the world. We imported are customs with her clothes and food-stuffs, although we pride ourselves upon being absolutely free from the Old-World influence.

The Southern colonies, before the Civil War, however, had a certain style and chivalry all their own. There was a careful regard for dress and for table service. The simplest dinner was served faultlessly. Gallants were ready to draw their swords at a moment's notice to protect (or amuse) the ladies of their fancy. All of this chivalry and extreme etiquette appears to have gone out when slavery went out.

The Northern colonists, the New Englanders, were of sterner stuff – truer English than their Southern cousins. Braving the rigors of the northern climate, the Puritans determined to live up to their ideals of independence, simplicity, and freedom. – From Lillian Eichler's, “The Customs of Mankind”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

18th and 19th C. Children’s Etiquette

Books containing rules of courtesy and behavior were plentiful among early printed English books. These books conveyed the ideal manners and morals of children in Colonial America.

One of the earliest books, "The School of Manners," had been published in London in 1701. The directions in this book of etiquette were copied from a famous book entitled, "Youth's Behavior, Or Decency in Conversation Amongst Men," a popular 17th century publication.

Originally written in 1577, rewritten in 1908

The "Youth's Behavior" contained many rules and instructions worded from still older books on courtesy, such as "The Babees Book" and "The Boke of Nurture." According to all of these publications, it was certainly natural the children should be affected by the regard for etiquette and the distinctions of social position which they saw all around them. 

In those days all children were considered to be young adults and expected to obey the same rules of etiquette as adults. Etiquette was taught as the primary lesson to transform boys into young gentleman and girls into ladies.

19th Century Shaker Advice to Children on Table Manners

"Cut your meat both neat and square,
And take of both an equal share.
Also, of bones you'll take your due,
For bones and meat together grew.

Don't pick your teeth, or ears, or nose,
Nor scratch your head, nor tonk your toes;
Nor belch nor sniff, nor jest nor pun,
Nor have the least of play or fun."

In Colonial America, the Puritans were opposed to girls and boys or men and women dancing together.

They were also opposed to May Day celebrations and dances around a maypole. In the southern colonies, however, dancing was regarded as a pleasant social activity. Many dance manuals were published, with diagrammed instructions.

The parlour piano or keyboard was a household staples. Girls were taught to play. One writer said it made them "sit up straight and pay attention to details."

Sewing and embroidery were favorite pastimes in early America. Scrapbooks were another favorite pastime, and both children and adults would spend hours carefully pasting illustrations into albums with flour and water glue. They also made their own cards and pressed flowers.

The parlour piano or keyboard was a household staples. Girls were taught to play. One writer said it made them "sit up straight and pay attention to details."

Etiquette was taught as the primary lesson to transform boys into young gentleman and girls into ladies.

In the early days of America, children were ordered never to seat themselves at the table until after the blessing had been asked, and their parents told them to be seated. They were never to ask for anything on the table; never to speak unless spoken to; always to break the bread, not bite into a whole slice; never to take salt except with a clean knife; not to throw bones under the table.
One rule reads, "Hold not thy knife upright, but sloping; lay it down at the right hand of the plate, with the end of the blade on the plate."
Another rule stated, "Look not earnestly at any other person that is eating."
When children had eaten all that had been given them, if they were "moderately satisfied", they were told to leave at once the table and room.
Ask for nothing; tarry till it be offered thee.                                Never sit down at the table till asked, and after the blessing.  
Speak not.  
Bite not thy bread but break it.  
Take salt only with a clean knife.  
Dip not the meat in the same.  
Hold not thy knife upright but sloping, 
and lay it down at right hand of plate with blade on plate.  
Look not earnestly at any other that is eating.  
When moderately satisfied leave the table.  
Sing not, hum not, wriggle not.  
Spit no where in the room but in the corner"

The School of Manners

The School of Manners, 1701 

From "Of Behaviour at the Table"

Come not to the Table unwash’d or not comb’d.

Sit not down till thou art bidden by thy parents or superiors.

Be sure thou never sit till Grace be said, and then in thy due place.

Offer not to carve for thy self, or to take any thing, though it be what thou ever so much desireth.

Ask not for any thing, but tarry till it be offered thee.

Find not fault with any thing that is given thee.

When thou haft meat given thee, be not first to begin to eat.

Feed thy self with thy two Fingers, and the Thumb of the left hand.

Speak not at the Table; if thy superiors be discoursing, meddle not with the matter.

If thou want any thing from the Servants, call to them softly.

Eat not too fast, or greedily.

Eat not too much, but moderately.

Eat not so slow as to make others wait for thee.

Make not a noise with thy tongue, mouth, lips, or breath, either in eating or drinking.

Stare not in the face of any one (especially thy superior) at the Table.

Graese not thy Fingers or Napkin, more than necessity requires.

Dip not thy Meat in the Sawce.

Take not salt with a greazy Knife.

Stuff not thy mouth so as to fill thy Cheeks; be content with smaller Mouthfuls.

Smell not to thy Meat, nor move it to thy Nose; turn it not the other side upward to view it upon the Plate.

Spit not forth any thing that is not convenient to be swallowed, as the Stones of Plums, Cherries or such like; but with thy left hand neatly move them to the side of thy plate or trencher.

Bend thy Body a little downwards to thy plate, when thou moveth any thing that is sauced to thy mouth.

Before and after thou drinkest, wipe thy lips with thy Napkin.

When thanks are to be returned after eating, return to thy place, and stand reverently till it be done, then with a bow withdraw out of the Room, leaving thy superiors to themselves, unless thou be bidden to stay.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia