Miss Manners on Hollywood Manners

On the Yes-But-No Ritual: “Stringing someone along— that’s not fair. If you have something under consideration and you have reached a decision, you should let people know the decision.”

 Miss Manners on Hollywood Manners and Mores. . .

Judith Martin is the author of the “Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior” and has been writing the Miss Manners syndicated column since 1978. These are her views on how people should behave in Hollywood— or anywhere else.

* After screenings: “You’re obliged to be polite. You find something nice to say. I mean, the vaguer, the better. I’m not against the blatant, ‘It’s simply wonderful. I had a wonderful time,’ and you don’t specify whether it was seeing the person or the film or whatever. If I have you to dinner, I hope when you leave, you’ll say, ‘It was lovely. Thank you very much,’ and not say, ‘The beef was underdone, and you should have served this with that.’ The idea that everybody wants an honest evaluation of everything they do is highly exaggerated. The fact is it’s not your critical opinion that is being solicited. It’s your support as a friend. People are asking for a little cheerleading, not movie reviews.”

* On telephones: “The telephone in itself may be a useful instrument, but it is extremely rude in that it says, ‘Drop everything and pay attention to me.’ It’s funny that people do tend to consider phone calls so important that they’re more important than human beings standing in front of them.”

* On returning calls: “If you have the resources to be generous about affording some time to people who are not of immediate benefit, you should (return calls). Look at your phone calls as if you’re a polite person examining your mail. You’re not obliged to answer every piece of mail you get.”

* On call waiting: “Call waiting is rude. After all, you’re already on a call. If a second person can’t get through to you, they can figure out that you’re (already) on the phone.”

* On the Yes-But-No Ritual: “Stringing someone along— that’s not fair. If you have something under consideration and you have reached a decision, you should let people know the decision.”

* On rudeness to subordinates: “One of the greatest crimes of etiquette is being rude to people who are not in a position to defend themselves, because they work for you.”

* On responding to rudeness: “I never believe in answering rudeness with rudeness. That’s a blanket rule. Socially, if someone insults you, you refuse to have anything to do with that person. In a business situation, that might not be possible. I do not mean that you say, ‘Hit me again, please.’ There are polite ways of defending yourself rather than descending to their level.”

* On networking: “Don’t. You give up your private life. And you need your life. I doubt its effectiveness. People who neglect genuine leisure and personal ties and friendship and recreation end up paying a very stiff price for that.” — By Connie Benesch, 1992

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