Wedding Etiquette for Repeat Brides

“Elizabeth Post would permit a white wedding dress on brides under 40 but no train, blusher veil or orange blossoms, which smack of virginity redux.” – Meghan Markles’s 2018 wedding veil would not have passed muster with Etiquipedia.

Etiquette Don’ts for Repeat of ‘I Do’s’ : Weddings: Should the bride wear white when tying the knot for the second or third time? Etiquette advisers say OK, but skip the blusher veil.

When it comes to I Do deja vu— and more than 800,000 American couples do annually, according to the Census Bureau— couples are often left in an etiquette lurch.

Most books and bridal magazines contain only a modicum of advice about “encore” engagements, the term used by professionals to avoid referring to his third wife or her eighth marriage. The bride and groom taking a second chance on marriage may be torn between what is considered proper— that is, if they can find the rules— and what they really want.

In “Emily Post on Second Weddings,” Elizabeth L. Post, Emily’s successor, writes, “Recently second weddings with all the fanfare of first weddings have become generally acceptable. Your decision depends more on what you are most comfortable doing than it is one of etiquette.”

There are a few dos and don’ts:

• Don’t mix orange blossoms and crow’s-feet.
• Don’t invite your son to a bawdy bachelor party.
• Do trick your uncooperative ex-spouse if necessary to get your children to your second wedding.

In “Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior,” author Judith Martin summarized in 1982 three basic types of altar events: the “Snicker-Proof Wedding,” in which everything is low- key; the “This Time We Know What’s What Wedding,” which is less formal and more fun; and the “I Got Cheated Last Time Wedding” for those who never had one with all the frills. Miss Manners recommends the second type.

In “Second Wedding Handbook,” New York free-lance writer Judith Slawson offers second thoughts on a second chance at happiness. Don’t try to redo your first wedding. Be flexible; suit yourselves.

One of the most frequently asked questions is whether the bride should wear white. The conventional attire for a repeat trip down the aisle is a pastel dress or suit with a hat, according to Miss Manners. But the attraction of a traditional wedding gown for the second-time bride is strong.

Elizabeth Post would permit a white wedding dress on brides under 40 but no train, blusher veil or orange blossoms, which smack of virginity redux. Slawson advises, “Wear a white wedding dress if you’re still fairly young” and childless. “If you had a large wedding the first time, think twice about white.” Her alternative suggestions include bright colors, secondhand clothes from the 1940s, Victorian dress or costumes.

Usually the bride and her mother plan a first wedding, whereas the second is up to the couple and their respective children. The bride and groom usually pay for the second wedding. Their parents may make a gift to them for part of it, but if they do a repeat on footing the entire bill, then all bets are off.

In a case where it is a second marriage for just one of the spouses, deference should be given to the one who has not been married.

The second time around, Slawson suggests, the mother of the bride could be given the role of hostess at the reception.

Instead of the bride’s father symbolically giving her away again, most consultants advise modifying the format. Post suggests having the bride’s children answer the ritual question.

There should be fewer attendants for a second ceremony, but they should include the children of both families. A grown son can serve as his father’s best man.

Post would bar any reference to the first marriage in the vows or toasts to avoid comparisons. But Slawson said touching on the past is permissible in a re-union, especially if one is widowed.

Gifts are not required at an encore wedding; that goes double for those who gave the first time. — Washington Post, 1992

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Restaurant Etiquette Quiz from 1967

9. When soup is served in a consommé cup with two handles (a) it must be eaten with the soup spoon. (b) the cup may be picked up to drink the soup.

RESTAURANT DINING

The following questions on dining out are from letters I have received recently. Dining out is one of the greatest pleasures we have, but there seems to be appearance of taste and many small problems which worry people and detract from their pleasure. Possibly some of those below have bothered you, and the answers may help you. The more certain you are that you are doing the right thing, the pleasanter your evening will be.

1. When you sit down and order a cocktail in a restaurant, you put your napkin in your lap (a) as soon as you sit down. (b) when the dinner is served.

2. When bacon and scrambled eggs are passed on a platter you (a) use the serving utensils for the bacon. (b) pick the bacon up with your fingers.

3. When eating baked potatoes in a restaurant, (a) you scoop out and eat only the inside. (b) you may eat the skin separately like bread and butter.

4. When taking a child who is a small eater to a restaurant, you should (a) order a small meal for him. (b) ask for a separate plate and give him some of your meal.

5. When there are three or four couples at a table, the first one served should wait to start eating until (a) everyone at the table is served. (b) two or three others have been served

6. When a waiter asks a woman a question, such as “What kind of salad dressing do you want?” she (a) tells her escort who in turn tells the waiter. (b) answers the waiter herself.

7. Before being eaten in the fingers, sandwiches made from whole slices of bread should be (a) cut in half. (b) cut into bite-size pieces.

8. A small doily is found under the finger bowl when it is brought in on the dessert plate. This doily is (a) removed to the table with the finger bowl. (b) left on the dessert plate when the fingerbowl is removed.

9. When soup is served in a consommé cup with two handles (a) it must be eaten with the soup spoon. (b) the cup may be picked up to drink the soup.

10. When jumbo shrimp cocktail is served in a stemmed bowl you should (a) use a knife to cut the shrimp. (b) use the edge of your fork, holding the stem of the glass with the other hand. 

The correct answers are: 

1. (a)  

2. (a) 

3. (b) 

4. (a) 

5. (b) 

6. (b) 

7. (a) 

8. (a) 

9. (b) 

10. (b)

— Elizabeth L Post, 1967

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wedding Invite Etiquette

You should find out first whether the ceremony will be held in a very small chapel where every seat might be filled, or if it is to be limited to family only. If either is the case, you must not “invite yourself.”

Uninvited appearance not in best of taste

Dear Mrs. Post: I don't care about attending wedding receptions or receiving formal invitations. When I see a boy or a girl I know grow up, and make ready for marriage, I always come out and tell the parents that I would like to attend the ceremony and not the reception, just to see the two united in holy matrimony. In a church or temple one can just walk in as a spectator. My question is, can one "invite oneself to ceremonies? Sylvia M.

Dear Sylvia: Although it is not in the best of taste to invite oneself to an affair for which invitations are being issued, your sincere desire to see the young people married could be considered sufficient reason to do so. But you should find out first whether the ceremony will be held in a very small chapel where every seat might be filled, or if it is to be limited to family only. If either Is the case, you must not "invite yourself." — By Elizabeth L. Post, 1967

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Words

 "Etiquette" is not what so many people think a set of restrictions and rules, often hypocritical, boring and useless. It is a code of behavior, an approach to pleasant relationships with other people, based on consideration and kindness. Neither should manners be false or restrictive. They are "guideposts on the road to good taste"- a way of doing something which has been proved to be most attractive and most practical over many years. – Image from the 1970 book, “Did I Do That?” By Dorothy Laux 

Watch Your Language – 

Keep it Up-to-Date

There are many words whose meanings are frequently misinterpreted, and some are words which are often associated with etiquette. I have selected a few that often appear misused in letters from my readers. My definitions are not necessarily those found in the dictionary, but they describe the connotation of the word from the point of view of good usage and good taste. 

Look at each word and then read my definition to see whether you have been using it in the best way, according to etiquette.

1. Formal. Formal should not be used as a noun meaning either an evening gown or an elaborate dance. It is a synonym for ceremonial, and an adjective meaning an extreme degree of correct- ness.

2. Party. Party should not be used to refer to one person, except in legal usage. It is not correct, for example, to say "Who was the party with you the other night?" A party is a social gathering, or a group of associated people, such as a political party.

3. Lady. All women are not ladies. The definition does not depend on the wealth or the social background of the woman, but to distinguish: "A lady is a woman with a good memory, always remembers others and never forgets herself."

4. Gentleman. Again, all men are not gentlemen. Το deserve the latter definition a man "may be in shirtsleeves actually, but he never gets into shirtsleeves mentally."

5. Etiquette. "Etiquette" is not what so many people think a set of restrictions and rules, often hypocritical, boring and useless. It is a code of behavior, an approach to pleasant relationships with other people, based on consideration and kindness.

6. Manners. Neither should manners be false or restrictive. They are "guideposts on the road to good taste"- a way of doing something which has been proved to be most attractive and most practical over many years.

7. Junior. Every boy who is named after an older relative is not necessarily a Junior. Only a boy whose name is identical to his father's is entitled to be Junior. Boys named after uncles or grandfather, are second, third, etc…

8. Home. Not to be confused with house, which is a solid, physical structure. Home conveys the spirit and the personality of the house. It is literally "where the heart is." – By Elizabeth Post in the Highland Park News-Herald & Journal, 1970

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Mid 20th C. Smoking Etiquette

Hostesses who do not smoke should provide ashtrays for their guests. True or False?

Doing the Right Thing… To smoke? Or not to smoke?

In spite of public awareness of the dangers of excessive smoking, hundreds of thousands of Americans continue to enjoy their cigarettes, their pipes, and their cigars.

On the other hand, there are an equal number or more people who not only do not smoke themselves, but object strenuously to the habit of others. With some it is a physical reaction to the smoke, with others it is a moral question, and others simply dislike the smell and the mess it creates.

To keep peace between the two camps there are definite rules which should be observed. If you are a smoker, the following quiz may point out some of your faults to you. If you are not, the questions and answers may help you have more tolerance toward those who do enjoy smoking.

1. “No smoking” signs apply only to cigarettes.

True or False?

A. False. They mean no smoking at all, and that includes pipes and cigars.

2. If there are no ashtrays on a formal dinner table, you may use the edge of your plate. True or False?

A. False. If there are no ashtrays, it means that the hostess prefers that you do not smoke until after the meal, or until ashtrays and cigarettes are placed on the table.

3. Cigar smokers should ask permission to smoke at a party where there are ladies present. True or False?

A. True. Cigar smoke is repugnant to many, and actually sickening to some people.

4. A smoker should never light his cigarette without offering one to those nearest him. True or False?

A. True. He need not, however, offer smokes to everyone in a group or at a large table.

5. People sitting on a patio or in a garden may throw their cigarette stubs onto the lawn or terrace. 

True or False?

A. False. This was all right before the days of filter tips, but these tips do not burn up and can make an unsightly mess of the garden.

6. Spectators at sports events may smoke whether their neighbors do or not. True or False?

A. True. But they should hold their cigarettes in such a way that the smoke does not drift into anyone’s face.

7. It is permissible to smoke in the area behind the seats in a legitimate theater. True or False?

A. False. Smoking is not permitted in any part of the theater proper. Wait until you reach the outer lobby or sidewalk.

8. A man should light a woman’s cigarette for her. 

True or False?

A. True, if he is close by. He need not get up or cross a room to do so. Women who smoke should carry their own lighters or matches.

9. It is never correct to smoke on the dance floor. 

True or False?

A. True. It is not only unattractive, but dangerous.

10. Hostesses who do not smoke should provide ashtrays for their guests. True or False?

A. True. A hostess’ first consideration is to make her guests comfortable, and unless smoke is physically harmful to someone present, she should tolerate the fact that some will want to smoke. – By Elizabeth L. Post of the Emily Post Institute, 1969

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor or the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

1990’s Wedding Etiquette

The 1990’s ushered in a host of new trends and non-traditional themes in American weddings. Numerous magazines featured wedding and bridal etiquette tips — When speaking on new etiquette for weddings, Elizabeth Post said at the time, “People check in etiquette books to see what is considered proper and then modify it to suit themselves.”

Wedding etiquette, once practically carved in stone, is now written on the wind. Just for starters, the bridal couple may have been living together before the wedding. The groom may have selected a woman as his honor attendant while the “maid” of honor is a man. The bride may walk down the aisle on the arms of both her father and her stepfather, or with her mother. The wedding service may be conducted by two members of the clergy, each of a different denomination.

“The nicest thing that has happened is that weddings have become more individual,” says Elizabeth Post, granddaughter of Emily Post, who kept earlier generations’ manners in order. “We have many more choices today. People check in etiquette books to see what is considered proper and then modify it to suit themselves,” says Post, who recently revised “Emily Post's Complete Book of Wedding Etiquette.”

Still, she discerns a growing interest in observing the forms, after an era in which many people wanted to eliminate them in the interest of spontaneity and freedom. “Compared to the 1970s and the 1960s, people want more structure, but without returning to the formality that characterized the Victorian age,” says Post.

Or as Annie Chervin Edwards, who was married in South Salem, NY last spring, puts it: “I didn't want my wedding to be stuffy, but I didn't want anything to be in bad taste, either. Although she didn't plan on observing traditions such as having a receiving line, she says that one materialized naturally after the ceremony as guests came up to congratulate the couple and their parents.

“Etiquette today is changing to accommodate feelings, which is only right, since it evolved as ritualized courtesy which is a form of kindness,” says Barbara Tober, editor of Bride's Magazine. Some practices now considered appropriate once either frowned on, or not considered, include sharing expenses between both sets of parents, closing the bar early or even doing without alcoholic beverages altogether, inviting live-in mates as well as spouses of friends, and addressing invitations to a husband and wife who don't share the same last name, Bride’s reports.

A common question: Who gives the bride away? “Tradition says it's her own father's prerogative, but this can lead to hurt feelings if she has been living with her mother and stepfather for many years. Many brides are writing to ask if their mother can give them away. I say yes even though there may be some raised eyebrows if that is what the bride would like. A mother's place traditionally is in the front row, but if a stepmother has been more important in the bride’s or groom’s life, she is the one who should be given this seat of honor,” says Post. —Associated Press, 1991

  🍽 Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Bridal Shower Etiquette

Key to hostessing a successful shower is preparation, from selecting the type of shower, making the guest list and invitations, through the entertainment, menu and gift opening.

Give the Bride and Guests a Party to Remember

The season for weddings has arrived, and with it comes bridal showers— the engagement tradition that showers the bride-to-be and her fiancé with useful things for their new home.

Key to hostessing a successful shower is preparation, from selecting the type of shower, making the guest list and invitations, through the entertainment, menu and gift opening.

Almost anyone —an aunt, cousin, friend, neighbor, bridesmaid- can hostess a shower.

The only rule, according to Elizabeth L. Post, in "The New Emily Post's Etiquette," is the immediate family, including the mother-in-law, should not, under ordinary circumstances, hostess showers because it seems like the family is soliciting gifts.

Anyone planning a shower should check with the bride-to-be or her mother before making definite plans, to eliminate the possibility of inviting the same set of guests to a series of shower parties that could be a financial burden.

The shower should take place six weeks to one month before the wedding. If it's too close to the wedding, it may be inconvenient for the bride-to-be, who has much to do during those last busy days.

Choosing a theme isn't necessary, but it adds to the fun and allows guests to use their imagination.

The theme-Christmas, recipe card, round-the-clock, whatever- can be carried out in the table dec- or, name tags or place cards and games. Other theme ideas include lingerie, linen, kitchen, pantry or closet.

Joint showers for the prospective bride and groom are becoming popularFriends of both sexes are invited. Appropriate gifts include desk and bar equipment, kitchen gadgets, books, records, edibles, garden and other tools.

The choices are wide open when it comes to the time of day and setting of a shower, but people should not be invited who are excluded from the wedding.

The bridesmaids, who generally are included at several showers, should not be expected to bring a gift to each one. They might want to go together on joint gifts to keep costs down. — By Dian Page for Gannett News Service, 1986

Reminder: We have a free webinar on Dining According to Hollywood and Dining Etiquette as Presented on Film! You can watch it live on September 23rd at 4:00 pm PST (Pacific Standard Time). We have a limited number of viewers who can attend via Zoom, however, if you are registered and cannot watch the event live, you’ll be sent a video link to watch a copy at your leisure. Link to the Free Webinar –– https://events.humanitix.com/dining-according-to-hollywood-the-art-of-dining-on-film Please email any questions to: theetiquettechannel@gmail.com

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Improving Soviet Etiquette and More

In 1969, publishers Funk and Wagnalls came out with a replica edition of Emily Post’s 1922 book, “Etiquette” for $10.00– for $6.95, they also came out with Elizabeth Post’s revised 12th edition of the same book. A writer compared the two books. – Photo above, Elizabeth Post, circa 1969

In a Manner of Speaking, Etiquette in Soviet Is Improving

SOCIAL behavior in at least one Socialist state is undergoing an unmistakable refinement, according to the woman who has updated Emily Post's “Etiquette.” Elizabeth Post, whose husband is a grandson of Emily Post, made the observation following a recent European tour.

“A realization that tourists are being alienated has prompted campaigns in the Soviet Union to improve the service of waiters, taxi drivers and bellboys,” said Mrs. Post. But, she added, the over-all attitude remained “just plain unhelpful.” Mrs. Post also said that attempts were being made to glamorize the assembly-line approach to weddings and that the Soviet Government was encouraging engagements – complete with formal announcements – something previously considered unnecessary and bourgeois.

In Germany, the second stop on her tour, she found that United States servicemen and their wives could upset the local population by seemingly small matters – by having cookouts or washing cars on Sunday (the Germans observe the Sabbath strictly) or by leaving clothes lines up with no clothes on them. In England, her last stop, she found things had changed vastly since Emily Post used the British as the models of formal behavior. She found them as relaxed as Americans, and more interested in discussing the miniskirt than manners.

Mrs. Post plans to write a book about “individual differences in etiquette abroad” for the benefit of travelers. She feels it is important because “if we have better manners on a big scale, we will have less war and more understanding.” Her updating of Emily Post's “Etiquette” is published by Funk and Wagnall. Pocket Books will publish a condensed version next month.

When Emily Post was asked to write the original book, which was published in 1922, she is reported to have sniffed and said: “It’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of.” It was only when she was shown some manuscripts and found them to be unduly concerned with salad forks and impressing the neighbors that she capitulated. “I got involved somewhat by mistake – just as Emily did,” Mrs. Post said recently, from behind her desk at the Emily Post Institute in the Pan Am Building. 

“The Institute decided, not long after Emily's death in 1960, that the book should be updated. Several writers were tried but they either wrote well and knew nothing about etiquette or vice versa. One night my husband brought home one of the manuscripts to look at,” she continued. “He showed it to me and, without thinking, I said I could do it better myself.”

Now that her four children are grown, Mrs. Post can devote time to answering the many letters received on etiquette questions at the Institute – most of which are from women. Meanwhile, Mr. Post is more concerned with equipping heavy-duty trucks. He is president of Hobbs Equipment in Norwalk, Conn. “Etiquette isn't going out of style, judging by the tremendous amount of interest people show in it,” Mrs. Post said. “It's just that the emphasis has changed – and should have changed. It used to be rather a rigid business. I think the basis now is consideration.”– By Nan Ickeringill, NYT, 1967

Etiquette Enthusiast©, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette: Solver of Sticky Social Dilemmas

Drinking can pose problems if you are a hostess, you must refuse to serve more liquor to an inebriated guest, Post said. “You are then responsible for seeing that a drunken guest arrives home safely by asking a good friend to escort this guest home,” Post said, adding that you also might drive the guest home yourself, or call and pay for a cab. – From “Emily Post On Etiquette” 

Image from the Etiquipedia© personal library

Etiquette was invented to solve those sticky social dilemmas… 

Life is full of sticky social situations but there's no need to become unglued, because etiquette was invented to solve these problems. The traditional way to solve social dilemmas has been to ask Emily Post, who first published her book “Etiquette” in 1922. In the current issue of Redbook, Elizabeth Post, a granddaughter of the original Emily, answers some of today’s etiquette quandaries in an excerpt from her book, “Emily Post On Etiquette.” 

• Proper party manners often pose problems. What happens, for instance, if you are invited to a cocktail party the same weekend a cousin is visiting. Can you ask your hostess if your cousin may attend? “No. Decline the invitation and explain your reason to the hostess,” Post advised. “She then has the option to say, ‘I'm sorry you can’t come, we’ll miss you,’ or, if she feels your cousin’s presence won’t make a difference in her planning, she may say, ‘Do bring him. I’d love to meet your cousin.”’

• Hostesses may have a problem dealing with the guest whose babysitter has defected and asks to bring her baby to an adults-only cocktail party. “An adults-only party is just that, and you need not feel you are being rude by telling your guest you would love for her to come, but the party is for adults and you do not have accommodations for an infant,” Post wrote. 

• Then there’s the dinner at which you are offered a dish you don’t like. Among friends. Post said, you can just say, “No, thank you.” Otherwise it is good manners to take and eat at least a little of every dish offered, except in cases of allergy or special diet. 

• Smokers sometimes are uncertain about when and where they can light up. “If a smoker is visiting a house for the first time, or is with people he or she doesn’t know well, or is in close quarters with friends, the smoker should always ask, ‘Do you mind if I smoke?’ If someone does mind, don’t smoke,” Post said. 

• Drinking can pose problems if you are a hostess, you must refuse to serve more liquor to an inebriated guest. Post said. “You are then responsible for seeing that a drunken guest arrives home safely by asking a good friend to escort this guest home,” Post said, adding that you also might drive the guest home yourself, or call and pay for a cab. 

• If you are the one who drinks too much at a party and are insulting, rude or disruptive, you must call and apologize. If you simply left the party early, without embarrassing yourself or anyone else, you need apologize only for early departure. 

• It’s a wise guest who knows when to call it a night “Try to be sensitive to, and aware of, the people around you,” Post wrote “Most hostesses are reluctant to speed the departure of guests, even when they are ready to end a party.” Look for signs of tiredness, then make your move to break up the party. But remember, etiquette dictates you not eat and run. You should remain at least one hour after dinner. 

• For the hostess who wants to let the guests know it’s time to go home, Post advises closing the bar, offering a last nightcap and making a show of putting the liquor away. A hostess may also yawn and look at her watch. – AP Features, 1988

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Elizabeth Post Dining Etiquette Quiz

“Your date has been taking you to the local dairy bar for weeks, and all of a sudden his Uncle Joe sent him a birthday check, and he’s asked you to go to an elegant restaurant for dinner!” –
At Etiquipedia, we’re guessing a ‘dairy bar’ was a regional term for an old-fashioned ‘malt shop.’

Nervous about dinner date? 

Take this dining etiquette quiz by Elizabeth Post!

Your date has been taking you to the local dairy bar for weeks, and all of a sudden his Uncle Joe sent him a birthday check, and he’s asked you to go to an elegant restaurant for dinner! Are you nervous, or do you know your restaurant manners so well that you will be relaxed and self-assured? Answer the questions below.

If you get more than eight right, your evening will be fun because you’ll be confident that you are “doing the right thing.” Six to eight means you may have a bad moment or two, and a score of below six indicates that you had better bone up.

Questions

1. When you are served soup in a cup with two handles, do you 

(a) eat the soup with a spoon? 

(b) pick up the cup? 

2. When game hen, asparagus or a creamed dish is served on toast, do you 

(a) take the entire serving, toast and all? 

(b) leave the toast, taking only the food on top of it? 

3. If a waiter brings a finger bowl, do you 

(a) dip your finger tips in and dab your lips? 

(b) dip the corner of your napkin in to clean your mouth? 

4. When you need to push food onto your fork, do you 

(a) use your thumb? 

(b) Use a dry piece of bread? 

5. If there is no saucer for your iced tea glass, do you 

(a) leave the spoon in the glass? 

(b) lay the spoon down on the table? 

6. At the end of the meal do you 

(a) fold your napkin back as it was? 

(b) lay your napkin in loose folds on the table?

 7. If you happen to drop your fork on the floor, do you 

(a) ask the waiter for a clean one? 

(b) pick it up, wipe it off, and use it? 

8. If there is no ash tray on the table, do you 

(a) ask for one? 

(b) use the edge of your dinner plate? 

9. When you are served a pot pie in an individual casserole do you 

(a) eat from the dish it is served in? 

(b) serve some onto your dinner plate? 

10. If your choice of entrée includes a delicious gravy, do you 

(a) use a spoon to get up the last drop? 

(b) break small pieces of bread into the gravy and eat it with your fork? 

Answers

1.   (b) As soon as the soup is cool enough, pick the cup up by both handles. 

2.   (a) 

3.   (a) 

4.   (b) If you have no bread, use your knife. 

5.   (a) Or you might remove it and rest the bowl of the spoon on your butter plate. 

6.   (b) 

7.   (a) 

8.   (a) 

9.   (b) If a serving spoon is not provided, ask for one. 

10. (b) 

             

                   —By Elizabeth Post, 1968

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Elizabeth Post on Strained Relations

Even Elizabeth Post wasn’t this neurotic over how a table should be set!

Doing the Right Thing: What to say when everything goes wrong

Dear Mrs. Post: How do you word a thank-you note for a visit, when you know you were not welcome? We visited my husband’s brother for the first time. We stayed three days. The two brothers are very close and we have always enjoyed their visits. Our sister-in-law was always prompt in writing us a warm thank-you note. I liked her and thought she liked me. Their home was considerably more impressive than ours, the poor girl was a nervous wreck having us there. Things were quite pleasant, though strained. Our last evening there, I was setting the dinner table I put the forks on the paper napkins, as there was a slight breeze, I didn’t have all of the napkins folded towards the plate. I noticed a frown and asked if I was all wrong. Oh boy, was I wrong! 

She got out her book of Etiquette and read to me. She informed me she wanted her table set properly, and she also wanted her guests to use proper table manners. After a few more words about the neighborhood they live in and the people they are accustomed to associating with, she left the room crying. After a few minutes she came back and everything was fine. When we left the next morning, we sent a plant to their home with a thank-you note. Upon our arrival home we found a thank-you card from her for the plant. An added note said, “we wish we could have made you people more comfortable.” How do I answer this in order to smooth things for the two brothers? Shall I write and rave about her lovely home and exclusive neighborhood (as I know she wants me to)? I know I cannot write a warm, sincere letter. Yet, I am the one that upset her. How do I go about making amends? —Gladys

Dear Gladys: Although you thought that things were “pleasant, though strained.” apparently your sister-in-law didn't. There must have been something more to upset her then Just the way you placed the napkins. If you truly don’t know what it could be, I would write quite frankly and ask her. Do tell her how much you enjoyed her lovely home and hospitality. If the trouble was really caused by your table setting, I feel she is at fault. No unimportant detail is worth such an outburst. Whether one is a pleasant, helpful guest, as you apparently were, is far more important than what fork you need or how you placed the napkin! – By Elizabeth Post, 1968

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Elizabeth Post’s Wedding Etiquette

Wedding etiquette... one of society's most perennial problems

By Elizabeth Post

Details...

Dear Mrs. Post: Who has the right to plan the wedding reception details, such as number of guests’ to invite, planning for decorations and food, etc.? It has been a question between mother and daughter. —Laura

Dear Laura: Although I don’t like putting it on that basis, it is the bride’s right to make the decisions. It’s her day, not her mother’s, and while they should consult with each other, of course, the final decisions should be the bride’s

Wedding Cake

Dear Mrs. Post: Is there a rule that says the wedding cake should be a fruit cake for a formal wedding, and a white cake for an informal wedding? —Linda 

Dear Linda: No, there’s no such rule. Years ago the wedding cake was traditionally dark fruit cake. Nowadays, even at the most formal wedding, it is a white or yellow cake with white icing. There may be, in addition, a “groom’s cake” which is dark fruit cake. This is generally cut into small portions in advance and packaged in small white boxes to be given to the guests “for good luck.”

Turtleneck? No!

Dear Mrs. Post: What do you think of a prospective bridegroom who plans to wear a turtleneck shirt with a tuxedo at his wedding? —Ellen 

Dear Ellen: I don’t like it. A wedding is one place where tradition is most important. I imagine that a wedding picture of a groom in a turtleneck will come back to haunt him years from now, just as we laugh at pictures of brides in flapper outfits of the twenties. The traditional bridal gown and the tuxedo with shirt and tie will never look out of style. 

Wedding Presents 

Dear Mrs. Post:Yesterday, I received from a bride of three weeks my wedding gift to her, with a note reading, “Since our marriage was only temporary, I feel obliged to return your lovely wedding present.” I know she was right. I know that all wedding gifts are given for the couple’s married life, and should this state not be realized, the present must be returned. But, on the other hand, wasn’t I on the receiving end at the wedding reception? Couldn’t the bride keep my gift? —Marion 

Dear Marion: The girl was right in her thoughtfulness, but wrong in her action. Wedding gifts need not be returned, no matter how brief the marriage. The exceptions are presents to her from the groom himself, or presents of particular sentimental value given to them both from his family. These should be returned. – Highland Park News, June 1968

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipediag tiquette Encyclopedia

Differing Etiquette and Continents

Europeans hold the fork in the left hand and the knife in the right and, when food is cut, it is carried to the mouth by the left hand. The knife is always in use, not only for cutting, but also for pushing and for dabbing gravy onto the potatoes and other such useful functions. There are some differences between the English and the Continentals, for though both keep forks in the left hand, the English keep the tines turned over and pile food onto the back of the fork. Beginning with meat as a platform, they may smooth on potatoes into which they press peas and then transport the whole mouthful at once.

Why are American manners different?

Because most American customs and rules of etiquette are drawn from those of Europe, any that differ are of special interest. How did the differences come about and what do they represent, if anything? I have always wondered, for example, why Americans who greet one another by kissing do so with a single kiss on one cheek, while Europeans always buss both cheeks, and sometimes do so twice, for a total of four kisses. Are we less affectionate than Europeans, or merely busier and so anxious to cut our kissing time in half? Similarly and equally inexplicably, Americans differ from Europeans in their use of the knife and fork. 

Europeans hold the fork in the left hand and the knife in the right and, when food is cut, it is carried to the mouth by the left hand. The knife is always in use, not only for cutting, but also for pushing and for dabbing gravy onto the potatoes and other such useful functions. There are some differences between the English and the Continentals, for though both keep forks in the left hand, the English keep the tines turned over and pile food onto the back of the fork. Beginning with meat as a platform, they may smooth on potatoes into which they press peas and then transport the whole mouthful at once. Other Europeans turn the tines over after cutting and push food onto the fork with a knife. But for many years American etiquette dictated that the fork must be switched to the right hand after the food is cut, and that the knife should rest on the edge of the plate. During actual eating, the left hand was supposed to lie idle on the lap. 

This cumbersome and awkward switching of hands continues today even though it was declared out of date as far back as 1948 in “Vogue’s Book of Etiquette,” written by Millicent Fenwick, who was then an associate editor of Vogue and is now the United States representative to the United Nations Food and Agricultural Organization in Rome. After describing the old rule, Mrs. Fenwick wrote, “Today, it is reversed so commonly that the left-handed method is almost preferred to the other. Both are perfectly good usage, but it is now axiomatic that whenever food is cut with a knife, the left hand can quite naturally carry it up to the mouth.” Even though the European method is smoother and more efficient, as any time-motion study would prove, most Americans persist in this “zig-zag” method, as it is described in “The New Emily Post’s Etiquette” by Elizabeth L. Post. The author suggests that Americans are reluctant to follow the European method because they feel it would be “putting on airs to adopt a foreign way of eating.” Mrs. Post advises, “I can see nothing wrong in adopting a custom that seems more practical than your own.” 

Letitia Baldrige, who revised “The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette,” also considers the Continental style more “sensible.” In preparing this book, which was published in 1978, Miss Baldrige tried in vain to discover how the zig-zag method developed in the United States. “I even called the Library of Congress but they could not come up with anything,” she said. “English nannies,” she continued, “always teach children to pile food up on the back of the fork because that is the quickest way to get the meal over with. Also, the food tastes delicious that way.” (Miss Baldrige also said she had been told that double kissing was meant to bless both sides of the brain.) 

Perhaps in the early days of our country, the change in rules was a populist protest against royalists. Or, as a European friend suggested, onehanded eating may be a holdover from frontier days, when it was necessary to keep one hand at the ready for self defense. Left-handed Americans have, perhaps, the best of both worlds. Those I know hold the fork in the right hand, cut with the knife in the left hand and eat without changing hands. – By Mimi Sheraton, N.Y. Times News Service, 1983

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber,is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia