Blame it on Empress’ Etiquette

Was it a question of etiquette? Or more that the Spanish-born Empress did not want to suffer the same fate as Marie Antoinette had a century earlier? After the news of the defeat at Sedan and the capture of Napoleon III was made public, in September of 1870, Empress Eugénie did not rally the guards or people of Paris to maintain the Imperial throne due to the immediate collapse of political support and the risk of massive bloodshed. Her advisors, courtiers, and the government ministers had largely deserted her and/or urged her to flee as the city once again turned toward revolution. — Above, a painting of Empress Eugenie surrounded by her Dames du Palais, circa 1855. Her six ladies-in-waiting (later increased to twelve), or dames du palais, were mainly chosen from among her acquaintances prior to her marriage.

A Question of Etiquette?

It has repeatedly been asked as to why the empress, after the news of Sedan was made public, did not present herself to the guards and the people of Paris, and call upon them to rally around her and her son, and to maintain for the latter the imperial throne. The cause of this singular abstention has been made public. It was because no suitable riding habit could be found for her in which to show herself on horseback to the troops and the populace.

There was only one to be found at the Tuileries in the hurry and confusion of that terrible crisis. It was one made for the hunting parties at Compeigne, and was in the Louis XV style, composed of green velvet embroidered with gold, and necessitating a cocked hat for completion of the costume. It was too theatrical. It would not do, and so the gallant appeal to the public was given up, and with it the last hope for the preservation of the empire. -Paris Correspondent Philadelphia Telegraph, 1891

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Pre-WWI Social Etiquette in France

Soldiers and others at “Restaurant Port-Blanc” in France, at some time during, or after, WWI – 

Image source, Etiquipedia’s personal library

SOCIAL LIFE IN FRANCE

       ⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️ ⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️  

Women Equal Partners – With the Men In All Amusements

Frenchmen cannot live alone; there must always be an Eve in their paradise. The bachelor party, which is a common feature in English social life, is unthinkable in France. How can men enjoy themselves without women? Woman is their enjoyment. It is only the cold Englishman who wants to leave his wife at home while he banquets or plays golf. 

The Frenchman’s first essays in the royal and ancient game are always accompanied by a feminine retinue his wife, his aunt and his mother-in-law. It is only when he makes progress in the game and realizes the niceties of its etiquette that he consents to separate himself for an hour or two from feminine society. Unless he plays advanced golf he will always prefer his wife's society on the links to that of a man.

That is why club life is impossible in Paris except club life of a special sort, involving baccarat for high stakes and appealing to a rich and leisured class. Yet in this case compensations are offered to the offended goddess momentarily abandoned while her husband goes to the “tripot.” 

She is invited to weekly theatrical entertainments at the club-entertainments provided for, by the way, by the card, money squandered by the men. And the exhibitions of all sorts that flourishes at the clubs nearly every one has some artistic mission are so many оссаsions for the mingling of the sexes.– From "France and the French," by Charles Dawbarn, 1911

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dinner Etiquette in NYC vs Paris

A gilded terrapin fork and gilded ladle, with terrapin bowls and plates in Limoges French porcelain mixed with Royal Worcester British porcelain. – Many French dinner notions are copied in the U.S. — notably that of serving on unbroken dishes…

A 2nd Debut article from 2020… 

The etiquette of French dinners is more formal than that of American. In Paris, which is all of France, one must never betray any admiration of any effects evolved during the dinner, gastronomic or decorative, much less speak of them. In New York, which by the same token is all of America, it is rather remiss not to express in some uneffusive way, one’s pleasure of taste or sight. “What a charming arrangement of flowers!” “This salad is something to remember!” and others like these, are phrases which no New York hostess thinks of resenting; indeed, rather hopes for. Many French dinner notions are, however, copied here, notably that of serving on unbroken dishes.— New York Times, 1894

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Ruling Etiquette at the Petit Trianon

In order to give the reader a more adequate idea of the beautiful surroundings of the pretty little palace of the “Petit Trianon” one must go back to the magnificence of Versailles, trace it down from the time of Louis XIV through the restored Bourbons in their endeavors to replace the vestiges of ancient royalty…

The Petit Trianon

The Favorite Resort of 

Queen Marie Antoinette of France

In order to give the reader a more adequate idea of the beautiful surroundings of the pretty little palace of the “Petit Trianon” one must go back to the magnificence of Versailles, trace it down from the time of Louis XIV through the restored Bourbons in their endeavors to replace the vestiges of ancient royalty; Napoleon, in the plenitude of his power; Louis Philippe in his restoration and augmentation of the material glories of Versailles; Napoleon III in his attempts to enact the part of a “Grand Monarque”; the translation of the Palace of Versailles into the “Musee Historique”; the gardens and the park; the Orangerie; Parterre d’Eau; Basin of the Pyramids; Baths of Diana; Basin de Neptune; Basin de Dragon; the Tapis Vert with its Basin d’Apollon; the Labyrinth; Bosquet de la Reine the Grand Trianon.

The Grand Trianon is simply an elaboration of the Trianon of Porcelain. It is the chateau made famous by being the place where the trial of Marshal Bazaine took place in 1873. To its left is the pretty palace of the “Petit Trianon.” It is a handsome edifice, of a smiling aspect, quite small, and more like a gentleman’s country residence than a royal palace. Louis XV built it to please Mme. DuBarry, and often went there to forget the annoyances of that royalty of France which was so heavy when was idle. In the dining-room it more than once happened that Louis XV, urged to it by the vivacity of the discourse, was obliged to strike upon the table, saying, “The King, gentlemen.” Suddenly, each one would return to the attitude of respect.

Another time, in a moment of good humor, Louis XV gave a box on the ear to M. de Richelieu, who was seated at his right hand. He was certainly in a delicate position. What should he do? How should he behave? How prevent himself from being vexed and looking red? And, on the other hand, how receive such an affront without complaining? M. de Richelieu recovered from his astonishment and gave the blow to his next neighbor, saying, “The King wishes it to pass around!” The blow passed, but we have yet to understand how the gentleman who was seated on the King’s left hand extricated himself from the difficulty.

Louis XV gave the Petit Trianon to Marie Antoinette, and it became her favorite residence. To this turf, which she pressed with so light a step, the Queen of France came to forget the ennui and etiquette of royal majesty. Once at the Petit Trainon, the lovely Queen felt more happy. All her diadem was the flowers of her garden; she held, with a joyous hand, the light crook; in her Swiss dairy, which is still standing on the banks of a little brook, she herself prepared – with such delightful awkwardness – the milk of her cows! Poor Queen! How much she must afterward have regretted the sun, the waters, the flowers, the cream, and the strawberries, the sheep and the heifers of the Petit Trianon. – The San Francisco Call, 1891

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Etiquette: French Marriage Milestones

For a Silver Anniversary, “The lady is again called the bride, and her toilet is superb, supposing her position in the world justifies it. The flowers which she is expected to wear are large white ox eyes - known in France as reines marguerites. The bridegroom wears a dress coat.” – An1880’s Bridal Set. Design by M. Benoit (23, rue Royale), Drawing by L. Mesnil

Silver marriages are very pleasing festivals in France. When a couple have completed twenty-five years of married life the event is celebrated with all the show of joy and festivity possible. In the first place, there is a religious ceremony in church, which has a good deal of the outward forım of a genuine wedding. The lady is again called the bride, and her toilet is superb, supposing her position in the world justifies it. The flowers which she is expected to wear are large white ox eyes - known in France as reines marguerites. The bridegroom wears a dress coat. The pair are surrounded by their children and grandchildren- if there are any. All relations are invited, for a grand family muster is considered essential. 

A dinner is given, followed by a ball, which is opened by the newly remarried couple, the lady dancing with her eldest son and her husband with his eldest daughter. Golden weddings are much rarer than silver weddings. Death only allows a very small proportion of married people to live fifty years together. The ceremony is the same as in the case of silver weddings. There are now great-grandchildren as well as grandchildren present, and the old people open the ball with the eldest of the last generation of their decendants. -Paris Co. Boston Transcript, 1887

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New French Etiquette Manuel of 1906

Women and children walking in Paris, at Tuileries Gardens, 4th June 1906 – Image source, Pinterest

Bits of Paris Etiquette

Manual Has Been Issued in France to Guide Both Men and Women

How one ought to behave in polite society is always an interesting topic, and even if we know all about it it is worth while to hear what the latest mentor has to say on this score. “The Etiquette of Politeness and the Usages of Modern Society in all the Circumstances of Life” is the ponderous title of a bulky volume issued in Paris on this entertaining subject.

As an index to the behavior of French women and French men it is significant to note that young wives are counseled to banish from their dwelling the “dangerous visitor,” giving him to understand that “you can never be anything more to him than a stranger.” Young men who think they look well on horseback should meditate this sage advice: “If you are not an experienced equestrian, do not accompany the ladies to hounds.”

Men who have attained a certain age are told that they may “embrace little girls on the fore-head before their confirmation. Up till that period it is a paternal caress, but after that it is wise to abstain.” Presumably after confirmation the little girls begin to develop a a preference for other than paternal caresses. One would have thought that in a country where men were so proverbially gallant it would not have been necessary to warn them that it is not “correct to stand with their back to the fire, leaning on the mantelpiece.”

But the counsel is there, and it is gravely added: “By so doing you deprive others of the comfort- ing heat which you monopolize.” “The husband,” we learn, “in speaking of his wife says: ‘My wife,’ but he must not say to her: ‘Is it not so, my wife?’ Neither must the wife address her husband in this fashion.” – Adin Argus, 1906

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Streetcar Manners in France

The majority concluded that the temper of the age would not permit any such social revolution. The episode has excited considerable attention in Paris, where there is general mourning over the decadence of French manners.—1889 Steam Powered French Tram — Public Domain Image

The hog claims even the historically polite France for his own. At a discussion by the town council of Havre upon the regulations for city car lines one member, complained that in these days men sitting in a car never thought of giving their places to women, even though the latter might have to stand outside on the platforms in the rain. 

He moved the adoption of a bylaw empowering conductors to compel men seated in the interior to surrender their places to women outside. Several other councillors gallantly supported the motion, but the majority concluded that the temper of the age would not permit any such social revolution. The episode has excited considerable attention in Paris, where there is general mourning over the decadence of French manners. — Exchange, 1890

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Table Manners of Old France

First Gentleman of his realm... Louis XIV was also known as Louis the Great (Louis le Grand) or the Sun King (le Roi-Soleil). He was a Monarch of the House of Bourbon who ruled as King of France from 1643 until his death in 1715. His reign of 72 years and 110 days is the longest of any Monarch of a major country in Europe's history.

Could we restore for half an hour the dinner table of old France and obtain half a dozen instantaneous photographs of a Royal banquet at any era between the reigns of Francis I and Louis Quatorze such a “cataract of laughter” would be heard as might disturb the serenity of Louis in paradise. The Duchess, her napkin tied securely round her neck, would be seen mumbling a bone, the noble Marquis surreptitiously scratching himself, the belle Marquise, withdrawing her spoon from her lips to help a neighbor to sauce with it, another fair creature scouring her plate with her bread, a gallant courtier using his doublet or the tablecloth as a towel for his fingers and two footmen holding a yard of damask under a lady’s chin while she emptied her goblet at a draft. During a feast of inordinate length it was sometimes necessary to substitute a clean cloth for the one which the carelessness or bad manners of the guests had reduced to a deplorable condition. —In the Amador Ledger, “An Idler In Old France,” 1908

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Austrian Etiquette Expectations

The dinner given to the President of the French Republic at the Austrian Embassy gave sanction to a number of new by-laws in Presidential etiquette. It was the first time that such a dinner had been offered and accepted, and no one knew to whom it was to be announced– whether to M. Carnot or to the Ambassadress. 
Public domain image of French President Sadi Carnot 

 PRESIDENT CARNOT AT DINNER

QUESTIONS OF ETIQUETTE FIND SOLUTION

PARIS, Jan. 28.—The dinner given to the President of the French Republic at the Austrian Embassy gave sanction to a number of new by-laws in Presidential etiquette. It was the first time that such a dinner had been offered and accepted, and no one knew to whom it was to be announced– whether to M. Carnot or to the Ambassadress. The difficulty was managed by the simple opening of the dining room doors, which ceremony told Count Hoyos that the time had come to beg the President to offer his arm to the Ambassadress. This settled comfortably a knotty point in one second, and there was not the least apprehension concerning the place of the President at the table. It was amiably arranged by the position taken by the Austrian Ambassador directly opposite the President, as he entered the dining room with Mme. Carnot after the President.

The dress of the lady President was made of fine black chantilly over white satin. The front of the same was drapod in black tulle, covered with beads and lozenges of dark creon glass, looking like so many emeralds. The same ornamentation covered the corsage. In her hair she wore a diamond crescent, perched on a bouquet of rose geranium. The Countess Hoyos wore white satin with point lace overdress, looped with ostrich plumes and diamond bow knots. A pearl and diamond coronet was placed in her hair. The Countess Zich, wife of the Counselor to the Austrian Embassy, and one of the prettiest women in Paris, wore an Empire dress of white satin trimmed with silver lace and diamonds. The latter studded the under-the-arm belt and made an otherwise simple costume look particularly resplendent. – The New York Times, 1888

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Thoughts on Etiquette Absurdities

“It was a rule of etiquette in France during the reign of ‘Le Roi Soleil,’ the great Louis XIV, that when the King visited a sick subject the King, too, must lie down in a bed on the ground that it would never do for a subject to maintain a more informal attitude than his master during the audience. Louis XIV visiting the Marshal de Villars after Malplaquet, lay in a bed beside the suffering soldier in that way.

Etiquette… An Old Fashioned Man Frees His Mind About Its Absurdities

“Whether to eat fish with a fish knife and fork or a fork and a bit of bread, whether to serve champagne in a tumbler or a goblet—it is quite absurd to regard one of these courses as right and the other as wrong and to admire or despise a person accordingly. The average rule of etiquette has nothing to do with courtesy, with good breeding, and it is no criterion of courtesy or of good breeding.” The speaker, an old fashioned gentleman from the country, knotted the ends of his napkin more firmly about his neck. ‘‘Smile at me, nephews and nieces,” he resumed, “because I tuck my napkin under my chin. Yet, why should I spoil my black broadcloth coat with turkey stains or smears of cranberry sauce? 

It is a rule of etiquette, you say, that the napkin may only be placed across the knee—an absurd, ephemeral rule! “It was a rule of etiquette in France during the reign of ‘Le Roi Soleil,’ the great Louis XIV, that when the King visited a sick subject the King, too, must lie down in a bed on the ground that it would never do for a subject to maintain a more informal attitude than his master during the audience. Louis XIV visiting the Marshal de Villars after Malplaquet, lay in a bed beside the suffering soldier in that way. Behold the absurdities of etiquette and let me do with my napkin what I please.” —New Orleans Times-Democrat, 1909

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of La Politesse Française

Do not eat in the street, do not smoke a pipe in the street, do not smoke a cigar in the street, if you are walking with a lady – “not even if you happen to be this lady’s husband.”

Lessons in French Politeness

According to the author of “La Politesse Française,” a work recently published in Paris, a gentleman, when he gives his hand to a friend, must press his friend’s hand but not shake it. If he is about to shake hands with a peasant, he must present his hand ungloved, or the peasant will consider himself insulted. If he is about to shake hands with a lady, he must keep his gloves on. When he offers to conduct a lady to the piano, he must, taking her hand, half-close his own. 

In dancing with a lady, he must “not permit himself” to squeeze her hand; and he must, if he wishes to show himself a true gentleman – or, at least, “un véritable gentleman” spend 18,000 francs, or $3,500, a year on his gloves. A gentleman who spent this each a year on his gloves, of various kinds and colors, would probably, if only for the sake of consistency, treat himself every day to at least one new hat. All, however, that we are told on the subject, is that a gentleman’s hat should always be “bright and brilliant.” A gentleman never altogether separates himself from his hat, though it is not etiquette to wear it in a room. In the street, on meeting an equal of his own sex, he takes it off for a moment. Оn meeting a lady, or superior of his own sex, he remains uncovered until he is told to put his hat on. 

Do not eat in the street, do not smoke a pipe in the street, do not smoke a cigar in the street, if you are walking with a lady – “not even if you happen to be this lady’s husband.” It seems odd to tell a gentleman who is supposed to spend $3,500 a year on his gloves not to smoke a pipe in the street, but we have reproduced this caution as we find it. When you bow, bow properly, but not to deeply that your vertebral column will make a right angle with your legs. 

If an officer in uniform salutes you, do not make yourself ridiculous by returning his salute in military fashion. A lawyer will not only think you silly, but will be greatly irritated if, visiting him on a matter of business, you ask him how he is, inquire after the health of his wife, express a hope that the children are all well, and so on. This sort of talk should be reserved for friends whose time is not valuable or who have no right to charge for it. – The New York Times, 1876

 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Famous Toasting Faux Pas

“To take a glass of wine during dinner without previously dedicating it to the health of someone was a breach of etiquette that few would care to be found guilty of...” — 

Above, Charles Montagu-Scott, 4th Duke of Buccleuch 

— Public domain image

Without “Your Health”

To take a glass of wine during dinner, without previously dedicating it to the health of someone, was a breach of etiquette that few would care to be found guilty of, and anyone so offending would have been thought either eccentric or exclusive. In 1803, when the then Duke of Buccleuch, dining at the table of the Lord Advocate (Charles Hope) drank a glass of sherry without the conventional preliminary address, the act was for years after pointed to as an instance of deucal contempt. — History of Toasting, French, 1881

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Comte De Chambord’s Etiquette at Home

His table had the simplicity of a private home; but all was served on massive plate, engraved with the heraldic fleur-de-lis of the Bourbons. When dinner was announced, the Count and Countess walked out first and took the center places at the dinner-table; the visitors who were especially honored were placed on the left of the Count and the right of the Countess.  — Prince Henri, Count of Chambord (September 1820 – August 1883) was disputedly King of France from August 2 to 9, 1830 as Henry V, although he was never officially proclaimed as such. Afterwards, he was the Legitimist pretender to the throne of France from 1844 until his death in 1883.

—Public domain photo

He is said to have been more a man of science and learning than a politician or a statesman; his tastes were quiet, his habits were retired, and almost too simple for his position for those who think that Princes should not forget the old saying that Majesty without its externals is a jest, and that they must not be too much like other people. This the Comte de Chambord recognized, and in his home there was just enough of necessary etiquette to mark the Chief of the Royal line. 

His table had the simplicity of a private home; but all was served on massive plate, engraved with the heraldic fleur-de-lis of the Bourbons. When dinner was announced, the Count and Countess walked out first and took the center places at the dinner-table; the visitors who were especially honored were placed on the left of the Count and the right of the Countess. These seats of honor were differently filled at every meal, by a graceful innovation of the host, that all might enjoy the privilege in turn. No one ventured to address him, but his kindness enabled every one to have an opportunity of conversing with him. 

In the case of any visitor of note, he was honored with a private interview in the study of the Comte de Chambord, who delighted in prolonged conversation and free discussion of every topic. The interview lasted during the pleasure of the Royal host, who gave permission to retire by a significant smile and bend—motioning as if about to rise, but without actually leaving his seat. The Comte de Paris, on the contrary, lives exactly like a private individual, and waves all etiquette.He is considered to be personally devoid of all ambition, but anxious to do what might be considered his duty. —The Century, 1884

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

An Idea of French Etiquette

It is hard to understand here, however, just how the French hostess will be able to insist that “all young people shall join energetically in every dance.”  

—Photo source, Pinterest, from from tenement.org

This immigration museum tells the story of families who immigrated to Manhattan.

Here is an idea of French etiquette which will delight every hostess in America: This year, sitting out, never a formally recognized practice at French parties, but occasionally winked at, will not be countenanced at all. Fashion has decreed, and hostesses will insist, that all the young people shall join energetically in every dance.

It is hard to understand here, however, just how the French hostess will be able to insist that “all young people shall join energetically in every dance.” It is a secret our hostesses would be glad to learn. They would have applied the methods, if they had known them, long ago to the young men who will not dance, and who oblige the young women who delight in the art of Terpsichore to remain wall-flowers.

It recalls that story of Frank Stockton, trying to drag Prof. John Fiske home on Storytellers’ Night at the Author’s Club, as told in one of the recent numbers of THE TIME'S SATURDAY REVIEW. “Isn't there some way which I can drag him forcefully away and still be polite?” quoth Mr. Stockton. Is there any way in which any hostess can drag and obdurate young man upon the ballroom floor and still be polite? — The New York Times, 1902

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dinner Etiquette: Paris vs NYC

A gilded terrapin fork and gilded ladle, with terrapin bowls and plates in Limoges French porcelain mixed with Royal Worcester British porcelain... Many French dinner notions are copied in the U.S. — notably that of serving on unbroken dishes.

 

The etiquette of French dinners is more formal than that of American. In Paris, which is all of France, one must never betray any admiration of any effects evolved during the dinner, gastronomic or decorative, much less speak of them.  

In New York, which by the same token is all of America, it is rather remiss not to express in some uneffusive way, one’s pleasure of taste or sight. “What a charming arrangement of flowers!” “This salad is something to remember!” and others like these, are phrases which no New York hostess thinks of resenting; indeed, rather hopes for. Many French dinner notions are, however, copied here, notably that of serving on unbroken dishes.— New York Times, 1894

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Profiles in Etiquette — Margaret Visser

“The Rituals of Dinner” is a compendium of information about the world at table, from the Sherpas who send a child to summon guests to a dinner party (thus reducing the number of rejections, since the child knows neither the exact time nor the reason for the party, and is too young to be trusted with a reluctant guest’s contrived excuse) to the London hostess of the 1920s who sent handwritten invitations, again and again, until an elusive invitee, exhausted, gave in.
— Photo, Etiquipedia’s private library

Review of “The Rituals of Dinner: The Origins, Evolution, Eccentricities and Meaning of Table Manners,” By Margaret Visser

Author Margaret Visser writes on the history, anthropology, and mythology of everyday life. Born in 1940 in South Africa, she attended school in Zambia Zimbabwe, in France at the Sorbonne and the University of Toronto Canada where she earned a PhD in Classics. She now spends her time at homes in Toronto, Paris, and South West France.
— Photo, Etiquipedia’s private library

The memory is about five years old, but vivid: A woman takes a table for one at a trendy Italian restaurant, orders a Caesar salad, and proceeds to eat it with her fingers. She picks up one long leaf of silvery green Romaine after another, always grasping the stem end, and then chews her way from the top of the leaf to her fingers.

The only thing more remarkable than her choice of utensils was the other diners’ reaction to it. All of us watched her. It was impossible not to. In a room full of people who were eating in the accepted manner, with a lot of gnashing flatware, this woman was breaking the unspoken rules. We were titillated and appalled. Who was this stranger, and how had she gotten in?

Food rules are a reassuring discipline, a way to prove who we are or to demonstrate who we’d like to be, a societal shorthand that betrays broad cultural attitudes. You are not only what you eat, but when, where, why, how and with whom. Margaret Visser may be a professor of classical literature at the University of Toronto by trade, but she is at heart a journalist, determined to answer the five W’s and an H that are the bedrock of that profession. To her credit, and to the reader’s unending, startled delight, she has succeeded.

“The Rituals of Dinner” is a compendium of information about the world at table, from the Sherpas who send a child to summon guests to a dinner party (thus reducing the number of rejections, since the child knows neither the exact time nor the reason for the party, and is too young to be trusted with a reluctant guest’s contrived excuse) to the London hostess of the 1920s who sent handwritten invitations, again and again, until an elusive invitee, exhausted, gave in.

Visser is a partisan of ritual, an admirer of structure at a time when newspaper stories herald the end of the family meal, and the at-home dinner party seems likely to become a museum diorama. She is aware that manners can be constraining, as in the story of the 15-year-old boy who humiliated his father by eating spaghetti with his hands at a business dinner, and was packed off to boarding school as a result. 

She knows etiquette can be foolish, as she shows in a wickedly insightful section called “Learning to Behave,” in which she examines how we cope with our children’s heinous crime of not being miniature adults. But she acknowledges the more important freeing aspects of ritual, of feasts that are “celebrations of relationship among the diners, and . . . expressions of order, knowledge, competence, sympathy and consensus at least about important aspects of the value system that supports the group.”

Manners have belonged to the masses of the Western World since 1530, when Erasmus published de civilitate morum puerilium (On the Civility of the Behavior of Boys), which offered instruction on everything from table manners to behavior in the bedroom; before that, manners were the province of the social elite.

We have managed, in the intervening centuries, to act as though we made up the eternal rules of this game, and one of the best things about Visser’s book is the way she deftly skewers Western pretentiousness. She need only explain the genealogy of the chopstick--called kuai-tzu (fast fellows) by Chinese boatmen, and hashi (bridge) by the Japanese, since they close the small gap between the lifted bowl and the mouth--to make the reader realize the idiocy of trying to transport rice from a flat plate, at table level, as we do.

She is as sharp as the knives that symbolize, to her, the violence that lurks just beneath the service of every meal, and requires the imposition of manners to keep one of us from slicing up the lout who refused to pass the potatoes.

The wry tone of “The Rituals of Dining” is reminiscent of the scene in the Japanese film “Tampopo” in which a group of proper young women are being taught to eat pasta properly. Their instinct is to lift the dish and slurp appreciatively, but their teacher cautions them to swirl with a fork, lift, and chew silently, a discipline that dissolves quickly because it makes no sense to them. The same foodstuff but different cultures— and Visser has seemingly endless permutations with which to enlighten the reader. A dining room chair (or a stool, or a dirt floor, or whatever the seat of choice happens to be) is a wonderful vehicle for a trip around the world, and through time.

Is there anything missing? It seems a quibbling question. Visser’s range of knowledge is so broad that it’s impossible to know what to ask for: Since I never knew it was acceptable behavior to place bitten pieces of meat back in the boiling pot for warmth at an Inuit feast, I could hardly have faulted Visser had she omitted that morsel of information. There may be a detail out there that escaped her, but I defy anyone to name it. Having been served a sumptuous meal, the sated reader would be perverse to inquire if there was anything left in the literary kitchen.

The only thing that Visser does leave to the reader’s imagination is the deep emotional component of some of the rituals she describes. Yes, a seating arrangement might have everything to do with power, but some food rituals spring from a more intimate source, from the link between food and the life we share with the people who eat at our tables. Take, for example, the use of candles. “Candles last their predestined, visible length,” writes Visser. “They represent spans of time for us: a lifetime, with the flame as life itself, fragile but still alight (they become, with this meaning, potent symbols during political demonstrations); or a significant period of time, as when candles on a birthday cake mean ‘years lived.’ ”

That brief, lyrical passage, with its imitations of mortality, of the delicate ways in which we both celebrate and deny our temporary status, was almost shocking to read, sandwiched in between so many other bits of information. Perhaps the best way to approach “The Rituals of Dinner” is as thought were a meal shared with a remarkable friend— slowly, reflectively, savoring every exchange, not just for what it says but also for what it implies. — By Karen Stabiner, 1991

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Marie Antoinette’s Last Etiquette Lesson

The Comtesse de Noailles, nicknamed “Madame Etiquette,” bored Marie Antoinette very much by her particularity on minor points of conduct. One day, Marie Antoinette’s mocking spirit had its chance. She fell from her donkey and lay on the grass for a while, laughing. “Run as fast as you can,” she said to the nearest attendant as soon as she could speak, “and ask Madame Etiquette how the Queen of France ought to behave when she tumbles off her donkey.” – Santa Cruz Sentinel, 1910
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The last etiquette Marie Antoinette had to learn in France, was that which the courtly gentlemen, nobles of the old regime, rehearsed with her and the others sentenced to death —  the etiquette suitable for those condemned, in order that no one might by confused or awkward when the time came for their fates to be realized.

“At 15, Marie Antoinette was married. At 19 she was a Queen, a creature lovely to look upon. At 37 she died on the guillotine, one of the most pitiable as she was the most conspicuous among all the thousands upon thousands who lost their heads in the French Revolution. Born the daughter of Emperor Francis Ist of Austria and his ambitious and gifted consort, Marie Therese, she was reared, for a Princess of the blood, among exceedingly simple surroundings. Small wonder that the transition from what almost had been a cloistered life to the most brilliant, the most dissolute, the most extravagant court in Christendom should have proven disastrous for her. From the hour when she became the wife of the heir apparent to the French throne, the pathway of the girl-bride was beset with difficulties and pitfalls.

“She was under the exacting dominion of her imperious father-in-law, Louis XV; she was under the hostile eye of Louis’s shrewd and unscrupulous mistress, Madame du Barry. She was enmeshed in intrigues, envies, jealousies, feuds and plots. That she was frivolous and headstrong and wasteful; that she made enemies by her interference in public affairs; that she estranged those who should have been her friends and her devoted allies, these charges, not even her most sympathetic partisan among the chroniclers could deny. But when the Monarchy fell in bloodied ruins; when the ‘Time of the Terror’ came to Paris; when she was insulted, imprisoned, widowed by violence; when she barbarously was torn from her children, including that hapless boy who went down in history as the Lost Dauphin; when at her trial she so gallantly faced atrocious accusations affecting her moral character; when finally she was led forth bound like a dangerous malefactor to be done to death before a shrieking, exultant mob, then her courage, her faith and her noble bearing redeemed Marie Antoinette for all the grievous shortcomings of her youth.

“As a ruler she fell short, as a wife she had her faults, as a royal politician she was an abject failure. But as a mother, as a woman rising to sublime heights of fortitude in the face of a hideous doom, she stands forth for posterity, an heroic and noble figure. Her old secret foe, Madame du Barry, was born like a commoner and died like a craven of commoners. Being condemned to the knife, she went screaming and struggling to her fate— writhing in her bonds, begging for mercy with her last breath, practically crazed with fright. But in her death, at least, Marie Antoinette was regal and splendid.” — By Irvin S. Cobb, 1925

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Courtly Guillotine Etiquette in France

Courtly gentlemen, nobles of the old regime, rehearsed them in the etiquette suitable for those condemned, in order that no one might by confused or awkward when the summons came. — The depictions of Marie Antoinette and another condemned prisoner, in 1920’s attire relieves some of the tragedy of the story overall.

How Marie Antoinette Stood Before Accusers Unflinching and Doomed Aristocrats Developed Etiquette for the Occasion 

Thanks to the books of hundreds of chroniclers, and at least one historic painting, every well-informed school child knows something of the last anguished hours of Marie Antoinette. How before being led forth for death, she protested against the shame of having her hands lashed behind her, as were a common criminal, and pointed out her husband had been left unpinioned in his ride to the place of execution. How her enemies disregarded her plea and tightly corded her wrists, so that the kindly priest who accompanied her in the dreadful journey, repeatedly pressed against the knotted rope in an effort to ease the pain in her bruised flesh. How in a crude cart she jolted over the cobbled streets of Paris, her head held erect and face bared to the taunts and jeers of the populace. 

How when passing the palace where she had spent her happiest hours, the widowed Queen fell into a faint. How reviving both her will and her spirit, she did not wince at sight of the guillotine but with dignity climbed its wooden steps and even begged the pardon of one of the executioners upon whose toe she accidentally trod in mounting the platform. How she suffered herself to be strapped to the board and how quietly she lay there while they were adjusting the mechanism of the great blade which a moment later sheared through her slender neck. In years, she was still young —only thirty seven —but eye-witnesses recorded that she looked that morning like an old woman, worn and haggard. Her hair in less than three months had turned almost white. 

Thanks also to many veracious accounts, we know of the proud courage of so many of Marie Antoinette’s fellow-prisoners, doomed as she was, to be sacrificed to the fury of the populace, acting through the caprices of a tribunal which gave to each of them the mockery of a trial, and the certainty in most cases, of conviction. Aristocratic ladies locked in foul prisons almost gaily cropped their heads in anticipation of the fall of the knife. Courtly gentlemen, nobles of the old regime, rehearsed them in the etiquette suitable for those condemned, in order that no one might by confused or awkward when the summons came. They practiced binding each other. The women discussed the question of appropriate dressings of the neck. A whole code of manners was evolved by these gallant souls that awaited a legalized slaughter. — By Irvin S. Cobb, 1925

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Allies and “Guests”

Military etiquette, for example, demands that when a party of British officers are saluted by a British private, only the senior officer acknowledges the salute. When, however the salute is given by a French private, the acknowledgement is made by all the officers. – photo source, Pinterest

British Headquarters, (France) July 12.—One of the first considerations of the British army officials is the avoidance of all friction with the inhabitants of the occupied districts of France and the maintenance of most cordial relations with the French soldiers. A principal factor in keeping on good terms with the allied army has been the steadfast insistance on the courtesies of discipline. Military etiquette, for example, demands that when a party of British officers are saluted by a British private, only the senior officer acknowledges the salute. When, however the salute is given by a French private, the acknowledgement is made by all the officers. “The idea is,’’ a staff officer explained, “that by this act of courtesy, we daily show to the French, our consciousness that if we are their allies, we are also guests in their country. And where the officers give the lead, the men are quick to follow.” – Morning Union,1915

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Relaxed French Court Etiquette

Her fair Majesty always made out the list of invitations with her own hand, not allowing even the Emperor to add a single name without her permission. At these parties, the rigidity of Court etiquette was somewhat relaxed. Conversation was carried on with the utmost freedom; amusing and interesting novelties were admitted, music, tableaux vivant, private theatricals, and charades, etc., were got up by amateurs. 

The first “Grand Ball” of the season will he given at the Tuileries on Saturday next, when about 5,000 guests will be packed into the state ball-rooms, the spurs and swords of the “military” tearing the finery of the ladies’ dresses to pieces, and strewing the grounds with shreds of gauze, muslin, and tulle. Six or eight of these crowded, and not over-elegant gatherings, take place each winter, the guests being very much “mixed.” The Empress’ private balls, and the Monday evening soirées which she gives in her own private apartments are, on the contrary, very select and extremely elegant.

It is very difficult to obtain admission to these; her fair Majesty always making out the list of invitations with her own hand, and not allowing even the Emperor to add a single name without her permission. At these parties, the rigidity of Court etiquette is somewhat relaxed. Conversation is carried on with the utmost freedom; amusing and interesting novelties are admitted, music, tableaux vivant, private theatricals, charades, etc., are got up by amateurs; and the evenings, which are extremely animated and agreeable, wind up with an elegant supper. – Letter from Paris, 1865

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia