American Dining Style’s Roots

Fun Facts About the American Dining Style

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Ever caught yourself switching your fork from hand to hand mid-meal and wondered, "Why am I doing this?" You can thank centuries of etiquette evolution for that little dance. The American Dining Style has a surprisingly quirky backstory, and once you know it, you'll never look at your fork the same way again. Let's dig into some fun facts about the history of eating methods.

Fact #1: We Didn't Always Own Silverware

Long before place settings were a thing, hands, fingers, and sharp knives handled most of the eating. Utensils weren't mass-produced, so people didn't have drawers full of forks and spoons waiting at home. Many dinner guests actually brought their own knife to the table. And in a small act of old-world chivalry, since women typically didn't carry knives of their own, the men at the table would cut food for them.

Fact #2: Forks Were Once Considered Sinister

Believe it or not, the fork had an image problem. Its resemblance to a tiny pitchfork made some diners genuinely suspicious, and it was even branded the "devil's tool" in certain circles. While forks waited out their reputation crisis, the humble spoon had its moment in the spotlight instead.

Fact #3: The Fork-Switching Habit Has a Real Name

That cut-and-switch motion so many Americans do without thinking? It's often called the "zig-zag" method, and it's the heart of the American Dining Style. Here's how it plays out, step by step: cut the food with the knife, set the knife down, move the fork from the left hand to the right, then take the bite. Four steps in total, which traces all the way back to a workaround for right-handed diners using dull dinner knives alongside a spoon.

Fact #4: Europe Actually Invented the Four-Step Method

Here's a twist: the "American" style didn't start in America at all. It originated in Europe, back when spoons were used to steady food while a blunt knife did the cutting. Since most people are right-handed, it felt more natural to switch the spoon over before taking a bite. Somewhere along the way, as forks came into regular use on both sides of the Atlantic by the 1850s, the U.S. held onto this switching habit while European tables moved on.

Fact #5: Europe Simplified Things — We Just Never Got the Memo

Around that same time, upper-class Europeans decided the fork-switching shuffle was more trouble than it was worth. They dropped the extra steps and started keeping the fork in the left hand, tines down, the entire meal; what we now know as the Continental style. It's leaner, it's tidier, and it's the two-step approach most knife-and-fork cultures use today. Meanwhile, America kept dancing.

Fact #6: Etiquette Experts Called It Outdated Decades Ago

This isn't exactly breaking news. Back in 1948, Millicent Fenwick — then an editor at Vogue and later a U.S. representative to the United Nations Food and Agricultural Organization — declared the switching method out of date in Vogue's Book of Etiquette. And yet, nearly 80 years later, it's still going strong at American tables everywhere.

Fact #7: Fast Food Might Be Changing the Game

Here's a fun modern twist: some market data shows forks now outselling knives by roughly two to one in the U.S. Why? Blame convenience. Pre-cut pizza, ready-made meals, and grab-and-go snacks mean more Americans are eating one-handed than ever. As author Jacob Bronowski observed in The Origins of Knowledge and Imagination, "the rise of casual dining and drive-throughs has brought back an era of eating with our hands that hasn't been this common since the 1500s."

The Real Takeaway

Whether you switch your fork four times or keep it steady in your left hand the whole meal, there's no single "correct" way to eat — just the way that feels most comfortable and gracious for you and your table. The American Dining Style has an interesting and quirky history, but at the end of the day (and the end of the meal), good manners are what really matter.

Because no matter which utensil habits you inherited, sharing a meal together will always be in style. 

Sources: Colonial American History Stories—1215-1664: Forgotten and Famous Historical Events (Timeline of United States History) by Paul R. Wonning, “Origins of the Common Fork,” by Chad Ward, author of An Edge in the Kitchen, and Etiquipedia, an Etiquette Encyclopedia and Etiquette History Blog

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette. Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette’s Values

Being Recognizably Respectful 
and Other Active Values

Your personal style, behaviors, and interactions reflect active values that you wear on your sleeve for all to see.  Far more than positive words alone, your consistency of kindness and cheerfulness will add to the efforts of “getting it right”—that is, of feeling good that others may well experience your politeness and civility, as recognizably respectful. 

What I love about the word etiquette-ful, is that it is accomplished in an intentionally self-selecting spirit.  Being an etiquette-ful person means that the individual chooses to be that person.  It is not an imposed state. My Etiquette Blog is meant entirely to offer ideas and suggestions. It is not to talk about etiquette or politeness in absolute terms. One can only imagine what it is like to live in someone else’s skin.

The words respect and consideration alone don’t necessarily inspire action.  How do you want people to feel about you or your organization?  Most likely you want to be seen as actively living the things that you value.  You want your active values to be apparent.

Have you ever written a personal mission statement for your life?  The company you own or work for is no doubt mission driven. Mission-driven organizations are values-oriented.  How about persons?  Do the values you hold reflect daily in all that you do? 

For fun, I took a look at Etiquette for the Business of Life’s Mission and Values Statement written some time ago.  I wanted to see if I was living the vision and values of my company, personally and professionally. My mission and values are:

• To promote a free and civil society by teaching/learning etiquette skills that empower individuals to cultivate a manner of mindfulness in social and professional interactions.
• To help others gain comfort and confidence in their professional/personal interactive skills of civility by aiming to offer the BEST version of themselves. 
• To live in active imagination always ready to answer the question, “What’s it like to be on the other side of me?”

Living Your Active Values

Now it’s your turn.

• Which active values serve and distinguish you as a person? 
• What are key ways in which you show up recognizably respectful?
• What question would you ask yourself as a test of where you are in the moment? 

Defining our beliefs, priorities, and what we value in living our days can only be demonstrated through our decisions and behavior.  And only you can be you.  We live and learn together and can, indeed strive to make it a better world.

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette Rules for PDA in 2026

Finding the Sweet Spot for Public
Displays of Affection

Image Source: rez_art; "Romantic couple kissing in front of Santa Monica Pier.", 2017. Accessed via https://www.123RF.com/photo_42035618, Standard License.

Holding hands at a coffee shop. A quick kiss goodbye at the airport. An arm slipped around a waist while you window-shop together. Displays of affection are one of the sweetest parts of being in a relationship. They're a natural, human way of saying this person matters to me, without needing any words at all.

But because we experience these moments in shared spaces, alongside people who didn't sign up to watch, a little awareness goes a long way. The good news? Reading the room isn't about hiding how you feel. It's a small skill that actually makes affection feel more special, not less.

How Much is Too Much?

Ask five different people where the line is and you'll get five different answers. Comfort levels around touching, kissing, or walking arm-in-arm vary widely. And interestingly, it usually has less to do with someone's age or background than you'd expect. It's more about context: a quiet moment at a candlelit dinner reads very differently than the same moment at a crowded family reunion.

The simplest rule of thumb? You're sharing that space with other people, and they have just as much right to enjoy it comfortably as you do. A little attentiveness to your surroundings goes a long way toward keeping everyone — including you two — at ease.

You don't need to be in a brand-new relationship to feel that pull toward affection, either. Reaching for your favorite person's hand, stealing a smile across the table, catching their eye from across the room — that's just what happens when you genuinely like being around someone. It's when things move past the warm and sweet into more heated territory that it's worth a quick gut check.

Hands
Holding hands or walking arm-in-arm? Lovely, always. Just be mindful of not blocking a walkway or someone's view. Wandering hands during a longer embrace, though, tend to pull more attention than you might intend.

Kisses
A hello kiss, a peck on the cheek, or a spontaneous "I just love you" kiss are the kind of small moments that make a day. A longer, more passionate kiss is best saved for when it's just the two of you.

Hugs
A genuine hug — especially after time apart — is one of the most universally welcome displays of affection out there. It's really only when things get very close, or happen right in someone else's personal space, that it starts to feel like more than a hug.

Reading the Room

None of this is about dimming how you feel. Being in love is genuinely wonderful, and it makes total sense to want the world to see how happy you are. The trick is simply matching your affection to your surroundings: a business dinner calls for something a little more reserved than a beach vacation, and that's okay.

What people actually notice, and remember, isn't how much PDA a couple shows. It's how they treat each other. A gentle hand on the back, a warm smile, genuine attentiveness — these say just as much about respect and connection as any grand gesture. If anything, that quieter, thoughtful kind of affection often reads as even more genuine.

So go ahead and hold hands across the table. Steal that kiss goodbye. Let your affection show — with just enough awareness of the room you're in to keep it sweet for everyone, including the two of you.

 Contributor Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Those You Don’t Enjoy

Navigating Social Situations with

People You Don't Enjoy

Image Source: milkos; "Bad Date.", 2023. Accessed via https://www.123RF.com/photo_161891686, Standard License.

We've all been there — stuck at a networking event, family gathering, or workplace function with people you don't enjoy spending time with. Whether they're acquaintances who rub you the wrong way or new connections that simply don't click, etiquette requires us to maintain civil, respectful behavior even when every fiber of our being wants to escape. The good news? With the right strategies, you can navigate these uncomfortable social situations with grace and dignity.

Understanding the Challenge

When you encounter people you don't enjoy being around, your body often signals distress before your mind catches up. You might feel yourself tense up, experience a sense of dread, or mentally transport yourself anywhere but where you currently stand. These are normal reactions, but they don't have to control your behavior or compromise your professional reputation.

Essential Mindfulness Techniques

The foundation for managing interactions with people you don't enjoy lies in mindfulness. Practice these grounding techniques:

• Breathe deeply through your nose, allowing oxygen to calm your nervous system. Exhale slowly and deliberately — but avoid audible sighing, which can signal impatience or discomfort to others. This simple breathing pattern helps regulate your emotional response and maintains your composure.

• Practice active, attentive listening by focusing genuinely on what the other person is saying rather than planning your escape. This keeps you anchored in the present moment and paradoxically makes the interaction pass more quickly. When you're truly engaged, you'll also spot natural conversation endpoints that allow for polite exits.

• Maintain your composure by checking your body language. Keep your facial expressions neutral to pleasant, avoid crossing your arms defensively, and resist the urge to look at your phone or scan the room for better options.

Conversation Strategies for Difficult Interactions

Once you've centered yourself, employ these tactical approaches in navigating conversation:

• Start positively when entering shared spaces. A simple, genuine opener like "I hope your drive was pleasant" or "It's good to see you" sets a cordial tone that makes the entire interaction easier to manage.

• Find common ground or shared goals, especially in professional settings. Even with people you don't enjoy, you likely share some connection — whether it's a work project, mutual acquaintance, or common interest. Focusing on these neutral territories keeps conversations productive and less personal.

• Redirect skillfully when conversations veer into uncomfortable territory. Use a light touch to change subjects: "That reminds me, did you hear about..." or "Speaking of which, I've been meaning to ask someone about..."

• Employ validating phrases like "That's interesting" or "I hadn't considered that perspective" to acknowledge contributions without necessarily agreeing. 

• Challenge your negative thoughts when they arise. Notice when you're thinking critically about someone and consciously counter it with something neutral or positive. This internal practice prevents negativity from seeping into your expression or tone.

Cultivating Compassion

Perhaps the most powerful tool for managing people you don't enjoy is compassion. Remember that everyone carries invisible burdens — social anxiety, low self-esteem, personal struggles, or simply feeling out of place. The person irritating you might be deeply uncomfortable themselves, expressing their discomfort in ways that don't resonate with you.

We don't always know another person's full story, despite assumptions made through workplace gossip or first impressions. Ask open-ended questions that invite storytelling: "How did you get started in your field?" or "What's been the highlight of your week?" You might discover surprising common ground or qualities worth appreciating.

The Professional Standard

Regardless of personal feelings, maintaining professional dignity is non-negotiable. This means never using coarse language, avoiding confrontational behavior, and treating everyone with basic respect. Your reputation depends not on how you treat people you like, but on how you treat people you don't enjoy.

Finding Perspective

Sometimes, the qualities that bother us in others reflect aspects of ourselves we haven't fully accepted. Other times, people simply handle situations differently than we would. Extending grace acknowledges that we're all imperfect, all doing our best with the tools and awareness we have.

By keeping interactions civil, polite, and when possible, brief, you protect your own peace while honoring etiquette's fundamental principle: treating all people with dignity, regardless of personal preference.

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Camping

Camping Etiquette Guidelines

Camping etiquette guidelines are important to know whether you’re an outdoor enthusiast or planning your first weekend in the woods.  These rules will help keep you safe and keep you in good standing with Mother Nature – as well as your campsite neighbors.

Respect the Space

Respect is the foundation of etiquette, and this is most important to remember when spending time in nature.  You are a guest in Mother Nature’s house, and your decisions and actions in how you treat her space can have many consequences.

• Enter lightly and don’t litter.  Bring only what you need to make your time at the campsite comfortable.  The more you bring, the more disruptive you may be to the natural environment.  And the more likely you are to leave something behind.  Make sure you leave your camping space just as you found it.  Clean and natural.
  
  
• Put the fire out.  Campfires are lots of fun!  So many memories are made when sitting around them with people you love.  But campfires can easily turn into forest fires if not extinguished correctly.  Before leaving your campsite or turning in for the night, pour water on it and ensure that nothing within the ashes and embers is still burning or hot.
  
  
• Don’t feed the animals.  It’s adorable when a cute forest animal comes into your campsite and acts friendly.  But it’s not a good thing.  Animals in nature need to belong to their natural world, not to our human world.  Avoid the temptation to make friends with them by feeding them.  Be sure your food is stored away where it cannot be found or accessed by animals.  And make sure all trash is placed in appropriate receptacles or stored away so that critters can’t get to it.
  
  
• Follow the path.  Many campgrounds have driveways and paths winding through them.  These are the driving and walking areas you should stay on.  It’s best not to venture off unless you know the area well, have a valid reason, or take a guided tour.  If you do, you could be putting yourself or someone else in danger.
  
  
• Don’t bring in or take away firewood.  Transporting firewood from one area to another can cause insect infestation that may not have otherwise occurred.  Beetles, moths, and other insects that live in wood in one area now have the opportunity to live and breed in another if you move the wood in which they live.  Most campgrounds or nearby stores sell firewood you can use at your site.  You can learn more at dontmovefirewood.org.

Mind Your Noise Level

When you have a large group camping together, it can easily slide into a party.  This is great, so long as it doesn’t disturb others.  Others being people and animals.

If you are planning a campsite party, check in with other campers near you and let them know they may hear your group.  You may invite them to join you as a courtesy, but definitely invite them to tell you if the noise level is disturbing to them.

A large number of people together in a limited space can get pretty rowdy when a good time is had by all.  Place a time limit on your party so that everyone has an expectation of when things should quiet down.

Keep your music volume at a minimum by bringing your own acoustic instruments.  Modern technology affords us the convenience of using speakers that are only inches in size, but you still need to keep watch on the volume level.

Other Camping Etiquette Rules

If you are camping with children or pets, or both, it is most important to adhere to the rule of staying together.  Educate your children on the rules of nature, as well as the rules of camping etiquette.  However, this is best done when spending time together outdoors rather than conveying instructions.

Know your pets well before deciding to bring them along on a camping trip.  Dogs who bark easily at other people and animals may not be the best campers.  The same goes for those who tend to wander away. 

The camping etiquette guidelines above are important for safety and helping to preserve our natural environment.  But use them in addition to the rules you see posted in the campground in which you are staying.  Each environment of every area and region varies and, therefore, may vary in the rules necessary to keep that environment preserved and safe for campers.

Remember that respect is the key – always.  If you respect the space you’re visiting and the people and animals in your vicinity, your camping etiquette skills will be spot on.  And you can be assured that Mother Nature will continue to welcome you to her home.

 

 Contributor Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Smartwatch Etiquette

One of the technological advances needing courteous attention is the smartwatch. A very helpful gadget that tracks your health and fitness goals and is also connected to your mobile phone so it helps you decide what incoming information you should attend to without pulling out your phone.

Checking Your Smartwatch 

During Mealtime

If you’ve read my blog articles or attended one of my classes, you’ve probably read or heard me say that technology is helpful, as long as it is used courteously.

One of the newest technological advances needing courteous attention is the smartwatch. A very helpful gadget that tracks your health and fitness goals and is also connected to your mobile phone so it helps you decide what incoming information you should attend to without pulling out your phone.

However, there is a downside to glancing at your smartwatch that is common to glancing at any watch: it relays the impression that you’re checking the time because you’d rather be doing something else. And depending on who you’re dining with, the degree of this downside could be pretty steep.

Avoiding Distractions

The point of sharing a meal with your family, friends, or someone special is to enjoy the food served while simultaneously enjoying the pleasure of good company and conversation. It stands to reason that electronic devices do not fit in this scenario.

Before smartwatches, you could keep your silenced phone off the table and put away to prevent distractions. But now, it’s instinctual and tempting to look at your wrist when you feel a buzz because you know something is happening. A text? A call? Social media or email announcement?

Who can resist glancing, especially if you’ve been recently engaged prior to whatever is happening in the present moment?

Essentially, smartwatch etiquette requires more vigilance than other mobile devices. Silencing or removing them altogether may be necessary, especially if you are attending an important lunch or dinner where other guests need your undivided attention.

Yielding to Temptation

Depending on the occasion and the people you are with, it’s acceptable to glance at your watch to check the time or see what’s streaming onto your wrist. As long as there is no individual or group face-to-face interaction going on at the time, glancing at your watch is helpful and requires less attention than having your cell phone out.

But keep in mind: just as you would never place your cell phone on the table (as third parties aren’t invited), don’t be fooled into thinking the interruption of smartwatches won’t be noticed by others. Even though table etiquette dictates the personal space of each diner, as I tell my students, “eyeballs don’t follow property right observances.”

So, you might think the occasional glance at your smartwatch isn’t noticed, but it is! Especially if you glance frequently at it. That someone will conclude you aren’t interested in what’s going on at the table will eventually happen.

Noticing Others

What should you do when you notice someone glancing at their phone often at dinner? What are your boundaries of propriety and politeness?

At work or in business: 

• If it’s a co-worker, that person may count on you to have his or her back. “John, as a heads up, I noticed the boss was looking your way a lot a lunch today—and it happened that every time you were glancing at your smartwatch.”
• Try to step aside from judging others as they might be a new owner of a smartwatch and might still be adjusting to their own distractions.
• Customers are observant and in business you would never want another person to think that your smartwatch is more important than interactions with him. It takes only one mistake to lose a customer.

At home: 

• As a parent of the lucky youngster who has a smartwatch, your responsibility is to set clear boundaries about paying proper attention to others at the table. 
• After-dinner discussions of what you observed will help your child become more mindful of the distraction. Stress that you are counting on her to manage her behavior and leave good impressions with others.
• Be a role model. Train yourself not to glance at your own smart watch.
• Spouses and partners should help each other by giving feedback on what is observed. It’s helpful to ask for a time to share feedback and how you felt when the person kept glancing at her phone.

You never want to convey the message that another person is boring. The best thing you can always do when sharing a meal is to give your undivided attention to the humans at the table rather than the electronic device on your wrist or in your pocket.

“The hours of folly are measured by the clock; but of wisdom, no clock can measure.”~ William Blake 

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Using Last Names

Why We Should Use Last Names in
Professional and Social Settings

Image Source: gabrieltf; "Through glass group of positive diverse colleagues.", 2026. Accessed via https://www.123RF.com/photo_202464213, Standard License.

Over the past quarter-century, something fundamental has shifted in how Americans address one another. The decision to use last names has become increasingly rare, replaced by an immediate first-name basis that many find presumptuous. Walk into a doctor's office, meet a service provider, or introduce yourself to a colleague, and you'll likely hear your first name used within seconds of meeting. For many people raised with different standards of formality, this casual approach feels less like friendliness and more like a breach of etiquette.

Commander Adam Benson, a retired Naval officer, articulates what many feel but struggle to express: the erosion of formal address represents more than a simple change in linguistic habit. It reflects a broader shift in how we signal respect, maintain boundaries, and navigate social hierarchies in professional and casual settings alike.

The Social Function of Formal Address

The practice to use last names with honorifics serves several important social functions that immediate first-name basis interactions cannot replicate.

When you use last names, you create a respectful distance that allows relationships to develop naturally. Addressing someone as "Mr. Rodriguez," "Ms. Nelson," or "Dr. Chen" acknowledges that intimacy is earned rather than assumed. This distance isn't coldness; it's consideration. It recognizes that trust, familiarity, and affection grow over time through shared experiences and mutual regard.

To use last names also demonstrates basic respect for another person's station, accomplishments, and dignity. A judge who has spent decades serving the legal system, a professor who has earned advanced degrees, or simply an adult who deserves recognition as such — all merit the small courtesy of formal address until they invite otherwise.

Perhaps most importantly, the permission to use someone's first name becomes meaningful precisely because it isn't automatic. When we consistently use last names initially, the invitation to "Please, call me Jennifer" becomes a genuine gesture of warmth and welcome rather than a meaningless default.

When Society Stopped Using Last Names: A Generational Shift

Those who came of age in earlier decades learned a clear protocol: use last names and appropriate honorifics with adults and new acquaintances until invited to do otherwise. This wasn't stiffness or snobbery; it was simply how respect was demonstrated across generations and between people of different levels of familiarity.

Today's prevailing culture champions informality as a sign of openness and egalitarianism. The thinking goes that first names break down barriers, create friendly atmospheres, and prevent stuffy hierarchies from taking root. While genuine warmth certainly matters, informality imposed without choice isn't really egalitarian at all.

When the new contractor at your home launches immediately into calling you by your first name, or when a teenager addresses an adult they've just met as "Steve" rather than "Mr. Thompson," they may simply be oblivious to the preferences and comfort levels of others. The choice not to use last names becomes presumptuous when made unilaterally.

How to Use Last Names in Today's Informal Culture

How can those who prefer to use last names navigate today's first-name-default culture without seeming standoffish or outdated?

Commander Benson offers a practical example. While technically entitled to be addressed by his military rank, he accepts "Mr. Benson" as meeting the basic level of respect he seeks. This represents a reasonable compromise — maintaining formality without insisting on every ceremonial nicety.

When meeting new people, model the behavior you'd like to see. Introduce yourself with your full name and use last names for others until they indicate their preference. If someone immediately uses your first name, you might gently say, "I prefer Mr. Benson, at least until we know each other better." Most people, when clearly informed of a preference, will honor it.

In professional settings, defaulting to the practice to use last names remains especially appropriate. Business introductions, client relationships, and workplace hierarchies all benefit from the clarity and respect that formal address provides.

Teaching Children to Use Last Names

Another concern about immediate first-name usage involves children addressing adults. Unless an adult explicitly requests to be called by their first name, teaching children to use last names with appropriate titles instills several valuable lessons.

When children learn to use last names — "Mr. Lee," "Ms. Gupta," "Dr. Patterson" — they develop respect for elders, awareness that different contexts call for different behaviors, and understanding that not all relationships operate on the same level of familiarity. These aren't antiquated notions; they're building blocks of social intelligence that serve young people well throughout their lives.

Parents and educators who teach children to use last names when addressing adults give them a significant advantage in navigating formal settings, job interviews, academic environments, and professional relationships as they mature.

The Professional Advantage of Using Last Names

In business contexts, the decision to use last names can convey professionalism, respect, and appropriate boundaries. When meeting clients, potential employers, or senior colleagues for the first time, choosing to use last names demonstrates social awareness and respect for hierarchy and experience.

Many professionals find that when they use last names initially, they're taken more seriously and establish credibility more quickly. The transition to first names can then occur naturally as working relationships develop, making that shift meaningful rather than assumed.

Use Last Names to Preserve Choice and Respect

The practice to use last names need not represent stuffiness or social rigidity. At its best, formal address is a gift we give others: the acknowledgment that their comfort, dignity, and preferences matter. In a culture that increasingly defaults to immediate informality, maintaining the option to use last names preserves choice, respects boundaries, and allows the transition to first names to carry genuine meaning when it comes.

Whether you're navigating professional introductions, teaching children proper etiquette, or simply trying to show respect in daily interactions, the choice to use last names offers a time-tested tool for demonstrating consideration and building relationships on solid foundations of mutual respect.

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Are Good Manners Antiquated? No!

Behaving Well is Not an Antiquated Idea

A Second Debut Article by Candace Smith!

Showing up in a polite, positive, or good way means that you are behaving well. Adults enjoy seeing children who mind their manners; children form etiquette-ful habits and behaviors from the example of adults; and everyone appreciates the kindnesses shown by others. 

Yet, as an etiquette instructor, I hear comments about how etiquette skills are antiquated in modern society.  Ironically, this perception only holds when people, and those around them, are behaving well. 

Tradition

Custom may inform us on how to govern, manage or conduct ourselves, and it’s wise to observe the local circumstances and try our best to adjust behaviors accordingly. Only individuals, however, can conduct or comport themselves.

Conducting oneself responsibly is the crown on considering oneself grown-up.  How good it feels when someone recognizes you for not only being appropriate, but going a step further in kindness, and consideration for the feelings of another.

Longstanding language expressions call us to serve our better selves: 

• Act politely
• Mind your manners
• Make good choices
• Mind your p’s and q’s
• Play fair
• Observe the rules
• Tow the line
• Keep the peace
• Act reasonably
• Do the right thing
• Be nice and kind
• Be on your best behavior
• Observe the Golden Rule
• Act with decorum

These reminders have been heard throughout our lives on various occasions. Not only are they traditional phrases, they are instructions for behaving well.

Behaving Well Encourages Positivity

In the 18th century, Adam Smith claimed that agreeable manners inflame our natural love of virtue and increase our tolerance of imperfection.  They often correct or ascertain our natural sentiments with regard to the propriety of conduct. Suggesting many nice and delicate intentions, they shape us to a more exact justness of behavior—without which instruction we would have been at a loss to think of.

The above list of reminders, and the fact that we hear or say them often, offers clues to the difficulties of acting on them.  It also prompts us that another person may be struggling with their own good behavior, calling us to patience and compassion as they choose to act with propriety and kindness.

Though a person who has been reminded that he needs to behave more suitably may feel that the idea is antiquated and instead retorts, “Whatever,” humans might have long understood, the building of mental strength is about self-regulating emotions, managing thought expression, and aiming for the positive, despite circumstances.  

Behaving well, or acting in a manner of kindness, courtesy and respect, flies under the radar of noticeable actions.  Why? Because it is assumed that everyone aims for good rapport and harmony with each other in every circumstance.  As long as this is the norm, conducting oneself properly will never become an antiquated idea.

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Happiness and Etiquette

Etiquette and the Happiness Factor

Fundamental to human nature is the desire to be happy.  One thing the pandemic brought us is the time to reassess this basic fundamental.    

Relationships are at the core of happiness—relationships with family, friends, colleagues, animals, your environment, yourself and your higher sense of being.  Being social creatures, we long for connectedness.  

When I teach etiquette seminars, the emphasis is always on the reasons why we would want to apply etiquette:  the confidence, comfort, and connectedness it brings.  

Connectedness is the essence of happiness, and the happier you choose to be, the more confident and comfortable you are.

Being Connected

Our human need for connection drives us to engage in social interactions with others.  These interactions create experiences that lead to acquaintanceship, friendship, romance, dislike, or confrontation.

Etiquette plays a direct role in determining the outcome of your attempts to connect with someone.

Five outwardly etiquette-ful actions to help others connect with you:

• Smile when you speak to someone.  Even while wearing a mask, be physical with your smile.  
• Looking directly at others when speaking is a necessary part of your smile.  Keep the gaze going. 
• Keeping your distance, your body language conveys your being present.  Arms to your side, palms open when you speak conveys openness.  Quick or unnecessary movement, keeping your arms crossed, or appearing distracted, shows the opposite.
• Validating other people’s views, even if you don’t agree, makes them feel as if they’ve been heard.
• Occasioning communication means that you are committed to showing up.  Encourage others to speak about themselves.  Even if you can’t spend time in person, texting, emailing or social media go a long way in communicating. 

Five inwardly etiquette-ful actions that help others connect with you: 

• Create a desire to make others feel important.  It will challenge your creativity.
• Choose to pay attention!  Cut out distractions when communicating.  Keep the phone out of sight and off the table when spending time in person.  
• Engage even if you don’t really feel like it.  Stay positive, share happy news, find something uplifting to share.   
• Adopt the philosophy that you are a giver.  Then give of yourself.
• Be available to ask others for advice.  This is easy if you engage another in something positive about that person’s life and look for something you genuinely appreciate. 

When we are etiquette-ful and kind to others and ourselves, we are bound to experience a level of happiness.  It is the same concept of the giver of a gift experiencing the same amount of joy and appreciation as the receiver of a gift.  Practicing etiquette guidelines during our interactions with people is a form of kindness in action.

Sharing Happiness

Some believe that being joyful is a responsibility of being human.  The HeartMath Institute has conducted many studies that help support this belief.  Their research shows that the emotions we feel – happiness, anger, uncertainty, fear – are shared energetically when we connect or interact with another being.  

Mindful of this, we can all celebrate moments of humility realizing that we can’t begin to know everything, but that we can contribute to the greater good by the little things we do inwardly and outwardly in kindness.  From this perspective, we can look around and appreciate everyday experiences – that the sun did rise, that seasons are occurring, and that we are all connected in some way.  How joyous!  How etiquette-ful!

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia