Wedding Etiquette for Repeat Brides

Elizabeth Post would permit a white wedding dress on brides under 40 but no train, blusher veil or orange blossoms, which smack of virginity redux. 

Etiquette Don’ts for Repeat of ‘I Do’s’ : Weddings: Should the bride wear white when tying the knot for the second or third time? Etiquette advisers say OK, but skip the blusher veil.

When it comes to I Do deja vu— and more than 800,000 American couples do annually, according to the Census Bureau— couples are often left in an etiquette lurch.

Most books and bridal magazines contain only a modicum of advice about “encore” engagements, the term used by professionals to avoid referring to his third wife or her eighth marriage. The bride and groom taking a second chance on marriage may be torn between what is considered proper— that is, if they can find the rules— and what they really want.

In “Emily Post on Second Weddings,” Elizabeth L. Post, Emily’s successor, writes, “Recently second weddings with all the fanfare of first weddings have become generally acceptable. Your decision depends more on what you are most comfortable doing than it is one of etiquette.”

There are a few dos and don’ts:

Don’t mix orange blossoms and crow’s-feet.

Don’t invite your son to a bawdy bachelor party.

Do trick your uncooperative ex-spouse if necessary to get your children to your second wedding.

In “Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior,” author Judith Martin summarized in 1982 three basic types of altar events: the “Snicker-Proof Wedding,” in which everything is low- key; the “This Time We Know What’s What Wedding,” which is less formal and more fun; and the “I Got Cheated Last Time Wedding” for those who never had one with all the frills. Miss Manners recommends the second type.

In “Second Wedding Handbook,” New York free-lance writer Judith Slawson offers second thoughts on a second chance at happiness. Don’t try to redo your first wedding. Be flexible; suit yourselves.

One of the most frequently asked questions is whether the bride should wear white. The conventional attire for a repeat trip down the aisle is a pastel dress or suit with a hat, according to Miss Manners. But the attraction of a traditional wedding gown for the second-time bride is strong.

Elizabeth Post would permit a white wedding dress on brides under 40 but no train, blusher veil or orange blossoms, which smack of virginity redux. Slawson advises, “Wear a white wedding dress if you’re still fairly young” and childless. “If you had a large wedding the first time, think twice about white.” Her alternative suggestions include bright colors, secondhand clothes from the 1940s, Victorian dress or costumes.

Usually the bride and her mother plan a first wedding, whereas the second is up to the couple and their respective children. The bride and groom usually pay for the second wedding. Their parents may make a gift to them for part of it, but if they do a repeat on footing the entire bill, then all bets are off.

In a case where it is a second marriage for just one of the spouses, deference should be given to the one who has not been married.

The second time around, Slawson suggests, the mother of the bride could be given the role of hostess at the reception.

Instead of the bride’s father symbolically giving her away again, most consultants advise modifying the format. Post suggests having the bride’s children answer the ritual question.

There should be fewer attendants for a second ceremony, but they should include the children of both families. A grown son can serve as his father’s best man.

Post would bar any reference to the first marriage in the vows or toasts to avoid comparisons. But Slawson said touching on the past is permissible in a re-union, especially if one is widowed.

Gifts are not required at an encore wedding; that goes double for those who gave the first time. — Washington Post, 1992

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia