Etiquette and Eye Contact

Create Connections Through 
Eye Contact

Making eye contact is a natural part of daily life for most people.  You probably don't even realize how many times each day you do it.

When you look directly at someone with a relaxed facial expression you use one of the best methods of acknowledging that person, making yourself memorable, and keeping everyone honest.

Creating Connections

Have you ever noticed how babies meet or follow your gaze?  If you look directly at a baby, she will look into your eyes.  Look away, and she will follow your eyes to their change of direction.  Studies support this, proving that eye contact is natural, human habit.

Why?  Because humans want connections with other humans.  And the eyes have it.

When you first meet someone, etiquette guides you to look them in the eye as you shake hands.  It's a global response indicating that you acknowledge this person and validate his presence.  You are giving the gift of two things all humans crave - acknowledgement and validation - with one look and the touch of your hand.

This is also where the term "love at first sight" comes from.  The simple act of locking eyes with someone lets you know instantly if there is an attraction.  The longer the eyes meet, and the frequency of those glances, are a telltale sign of how strong the attraction is.  Keep this in mind the next time you attempt to get the attention of a potential special someone.

Reading People

Most of us think we can spot a liar because he doesn't make eye contact.  Well, this is sometimes true and sometimes not.

Research indicates that dishonest words are often coupled with purposeful eye contact.  Yes, a person will look you in the eye and lie to you!

However, if you suspect someone is not on the up-and-up and you confront her about it, attempt to make eye contact with her as you do so.  If she avoids your gaze, she's most likely lying to you.

In other situations, looking away can indicate shyness, sadness, or an attempt to avoid discord.  Be sure you consider the environment and situation you are in as you read the individual.  It's best not to jump to conclusions about someone.

But you can imagine how someone feels when shaking hands and eye contact is not made, and you may have experienced that yourself. 

Notice the body language of people when they greet and introduce people.  You'll know when eyes were met and when they were not.

When and How to Make Eye Contact

There's rarely a bad time to make eye contact.  When doing so, you make someone feel he has your full attention, that he is important, and that he is being heard.  Use this method of connecting with another person when . . .

• You are participating in a conversation
• You say hello, arrive at a meeting, see a friend at a party
• You are introduced to someone

When you meet someone's gaze with a smile, you instantly create a positive connection in that person's mind.  This is important when you are entering a job interview, need to comfort someone, or are attracted to someone. 

But remember, staring or holding a gaze too long can make others uncomfortable.  Maintaining good eye contact leaves room for blinking and looking away for a second.  This provides a little relief, especially if you are concentrating on making sure you are doing it correctly.  I use the term, “long glances” as a way to think about it.

Culture is another consideration when employing eye contact to make a connection.  When traveling to another country, study the culture-specific rules.  Even though we value this practice here in the United States, there are some countries where it is considered offensive.

It is said the eyes are the windows of the soul.  As you peer into those belonging to other people, make sure yours are "open" as well.  Human connections are sometimes the best gifts we can offer.

Sources:  

"Eye contact detection in humans from birth," Teresa Farroni, Gergely Csibra, Francesca Simion, and Mark H. Johnson, accessed September 27, 2016, http://www.pnas.org/content/99/14/9602.abstract

"The Science of Eye Contact Attraction," The Art of Charm, accessed September 27, 2016, http://theartofcharm.com/flirting-and-attraction/science-eye-contact-attraction/

Contributor Candace Smith, teaches university students and professionals, the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

First Impressions Etiquette

Your smile is your most powerful asset. Since we are all capable of smiling, unless facial impairments prevent us from doing so, we must make use of it as it can only work for our advantage.

First Impressions: Using Seven Steps within Seven Seconds

Do you recall someone who impressed you the first time you met? A colleague, a potential client, your boss, your future spouse, a VIP, a well-respected leader, etc...? Do you know that it takes only about seven seconds to form an impression of someone you just met? The rest is just a cherry on top, or not! Now think about how you come across when you meet someone for the first time.

The following are 7 easy steps to help you build upon your first impression...

Step 1: The Physical Appearance

Your clothes must match the image you want to reflect at any given occasion. If you have to project a professional image then choose suitable attire. For social settings, it is best to find out about the dress code and the venue beforehand. Ladies try to keep the make up discrete and shy away from overly done looks. Elegance, regardless of material capabilities, is best acquired when dressing appropriately to the age and the body form. As for men, avoid shirts that are too tight which might reveal some parts of the abdomen or shirt buttons open till the middle of the chest. Looks also incorporate the hair factor. The hairstyle and the cleanliness of it also contribute to the appeal of your physique. Therefore make sure to get the most suitable hairstyle for the shape of your face. You can work on your looks by seeking a professional stylist.

Step 2: The Posture

The proper posture helps you stand confidently and positively. With the right posture you will look more welcoming and interesting. When meeting someone for the first time, avoid fidgeting or slouching, for it can make you look anxious and confused or less attractive and insecure. While standing to meet someone, in order to improve your body posture, first pull your head back and make sure your chin is parallel to the floor. Then push your shoulders down and relax them all the while aligning them with your chest. Keep your feet parallel on the floor, unlock your knees and imagine a string pulling you up from your head towards the ceiling. Furthermore look straight ahead while walking. It will give your walk the sense of a purposeful direction. Finally, to maintain a healthy body posture you need to exercise regularly and/or practice the appropriate Yoga or Pilates techniques.

Step 3: The Voice

When you speak, your voice must commend assertiveness and confidence. The sound of your voice must be loud enough but not too hasty or anxious, yet soft enough but well articulated. Avoid using filler words such as “you know what I mean,” “like,” “yeah,” “umm,” etc... as they make you sound boring or hesitant. One way to check for your verbal communication skills is to record your voice on your phone and listen to it meticulously. Do your words sound clear? Are you pronouncing the consonants properly? Is your voice level going down unintentionally at the end of each sentence? You must aim at sounding pleasant yet assertive, approachable yet professional. Remember, in most cases and particularly in the case of first impressions, how you say something is more important than what you say. One might not remember the content of a first conversation with you but will recall how you sounded.

Step 4: The Eye Contact

No first impression could be significant enough without the required level of eye contact. When meeting someone for the first time, you must make eye contact. Before extending your arm, while extending it, throughout the shaking of the hand and until exchanging each other’s names, you must continue to make eye contact. In the Armenian culture, as with most Western cultures, under no circumstance can you get away with a positive first impression without the proper eye contact. Eye contact implies respect and acknowledgement to the person you are being introduced to.

Step 5: The Handshake

Do you know that people can tell a lot from your handshake? A firm and proper handshake, as opposed to a loose one, is what you need to be perceived as an assertive and sincere person during introductions. When meeting for the first time extend your arm; make sure the web of your hand touches that of the other person; have a good grip of your converser’s hand with the palms touching while your fingers and thumb are resting on the back of the other person’s palm and continue to shake hands until you both get introduced to each other properly. Also try not to hold too tightly your counterpart’s hand, since you will come across as a bone crusher!

Step 6: The Smile

Your smile is your most powerful asset. Since we are all capable of smiling, unless facial impairments prevent us from doing so, we must make use of it as it can only work for our advantage. But be careful of course and do it wisely! For instance, a cheeky smile to your friend’s spouse or your boss unnecessarily, might get you in trouble. Here I emphasize on the way you smile and the appropriateness of the occasion. Your smile must project sincerity, respect and genuine enthusiasm towards the situation and the person with whom you are conversing. Smiling is also contagious, so when you smile at a person you just met, your kind gesture is appreciated and meeting you is remembered as a pleasant experience.

Step 7: The Body Hygiene

Under no circumstance must you meet someone without considering the proper etiquette of hygiene. It can either make you look attractive or unpleasant. Proper hygiene is a necessity. It is a reflection of a healthy condition, while poor hygiene is associated with infections and germs. Teeth, hair and body must be washed and taken care of on a regular basis. Therefore, make sure your daily routine keeps your body, hair and teeth clean.

To recap, when meeting someone for the first time, you must make eye contact, smile and extend your arm to give an assertive handshake. Most of the time we all get only one chance to make a positive impression. Following the above seven steps as a guideline can help you sound more confident, impressive and unforgettable in a positive way. 

Meet our newest contributor, Irma Vartanian Balian, founding Director of ProtocolWise ™. She has lived in North America, Europe and the Middle East. Her rich cultural background, her commitment to excellence, along with her expertise in Protocol and Soft Diplomacy, equipped lrma to provide valuable advice to her clients while putting them at ease. Irma trains leaders, corporate teams, diplomats, individuals, families and professionals, both regionally and internationally with assurance and professionalism.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette  Encyclopedia