A Collegiate Agony Aunt

At this instant an acquaintance of yours rushes up and begins to tell you her unbelievably low mark, which she just acquired in her examination, She talks volubly, and your friend fidgets from one foot to the other. 

Sally's Social Slants

The purpose of this column (every column has to have a purpose) is for the help of those who would really like to know a little bit more about etiquette. Of course this may be an old story to the disciples of Emily Post, but many a problem arises on the campus which leaves you at a loss.

For instance, you are standing on the lawn between classes, talking to a friend. At this instant an acquaintance of yours rushes up and begins to tell you her unbelievably low mark, which she just acquired in her examination, She talks volubly, and your friend fidgets from one foot to the other. Before you can introduce them (you surmise they have never met) your acquaintance turns her attention to “that screamingly funny thing she just heard in the Co-op.” Your friend, baffled by the names of “Bill,” “Jane” and “Mary,” whom he doesn't know, and who, from her description, sound rather flighty, mutters something to you about “a class” and hurries away.

What To Do?

You are left with the acquaintance who gabbles cheerily on, not realizing that you heard only half of what she was saying. What to do? Should you have broken into her conversation and introduced them, should you have said quietly “We are discussing the football game” thus winning her undying hatred, or should you have raised your voice and drowned her out, introduced them and then quickly sprinted away.

The thing to do! Let us rehearse the scene. You were talking to your friend, you saw your acquaintance coming (unless she sneaked up on you anyhow the result would be the same), with her approaching footsteps your face should leave that of your friend, and fold into a welcoming smile. Meet her rising tide of small talk with a quick “Well, hello (add her name to show you know it) oh, that's too bad about your low grade. Do you know my friend, Ben Gassing? Ben, this is Lotta Smalltalk.” 

Why Not Explain?

Now your duty is done, Let Lotta rave on, or Ben fidget. They know each other. But is your duty done? In a strictly etiquettal (is there euch a word) sense it is. But it seems rather unkind to listen to Lotta's chatter about Mary, Jane, or Bill, when Ben knows nothing about them. If Lotta insists on telling this screamingly funny incident (and why not?) you should say to Ben “Do you know Mary, Jane or Bill?” If he does, so much the better; if he doesn't, and the story involves more than just their names you should explain briefly as “Bill is a football player,” or “Mary runs the feature column.” This puts everyone at his ease, which is the basic purpose of etiquette after all. – From The Oak Leaf, 1940

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Language Etiquette: From Preppy to PC

The Blurry Line Between Political Correctness and Absurdity

There is a very blurry line between political correctness & silliness. Are you tired of your offspring and their offspring reminding you that, "We Don't Use That Word Anymore"? Well, I certainly am tired of hearing those words. I have no children of my own, but I work with them regularly.

When I first saw my copy of "The Official Politically Correct Dictionary and Handbook" in 1993, I thought it was a hoot! Like the "Preppy Handbook" of the 1980s, which was one of the funniest books I had ever read.

I knew several "preppy" people and the book just nailed them; Names like Biff and Muffy, Ralph Lauren polo shirts (bonus points for popping the collar), Sperry topsiders (it was "de rigueur" to wear them without socks), plaid 'kilt" type skirts for girls, etc... It was a great trend at the time, so a book satirizing it was bound to hit the shelves. The trend died out. The die hard preppies stayed the way they were, and most younger people moved on to trends they had seen in music videos. 

My Preppy Handbook copy is dog eared and so worn, I have nearly tossed it out on several occasions!

I’m an old fashioned gal. I’m certain I was born in the wrong era. I love the clothing and styles from the 1950’s and am a fan of most all things retro, even though poodle skirts pretty much died out long before I was born. But this “retro” subject has overstayed its welcome. I had assumed the new "PC" words and terms would die out as well. How wrong I was! Political correctness has grown even more absurd as time marches on, yet in some instances, it works well.

"The Official Politically Correct Dictionary and Handbook" is full of crazy terms, that evidently someone had thought were just fine. Some are commonly used now but the very absurd terms and words have not come into common use. Yet.

Take for example, "person of substance". In my mind, a person of substance is a person of quality and character. Basically, he or she has something substantial to add to a conversation or situation. But size? No.

I've seen or heard "generously cut" and "size-friendly" many times. I like those terms. "Fatism" I have never heard, but when I heard a chirpy, cheery, and very polite morning show host say, "He's not fat!" when speaking with surprise of an encounter she had on the street with a television personality, my first thought was, "Couldn't she have phrased that a bit differently?" (Personally I prefer the term “Big-Boned”). Her co-host chimed in, "But he's fat on the show!" and they went into a long discussion as to why someone would want to "look fat" on t.v. Yes, sadly they went from awful, to much worse. And they came off incredibly, but unintentionally, rude. 

Reader, meet 'prewoman'. You read that right! According to the 'Politically Correct' dictionary, the word 'prewoman' is for a young girl and was coined by cartoonist, Jeff Sheshol, in 1990.

Reader, meet 'prewoman'. You read that right! According to the 'Politically Correct' dictionary, the word 'prewoman' is for a young girl and was coined by cartoonist, Jeff Sheshol, in 1990. Thankfully, I have never heard either word in use.

Pro-choice is a word I have never understood. It only seems to be pro-choice for those who believe abortion should be legal. Those I know who choose to have many children (and pay fully for them, as opposed to say "Octomom") or those who feel abortion is killing a living being, are looked upon with scorn. Pro-abortion would be a better term, and more accurate unless it favors all. PWA and PLA I have not seen. As for "protector"? I'll start using it the minute a cat starts protecting me!
     

I remember a story of Maura Graber's about the word "retard" and an argument with her daughter. According to Graber, she was prepping for an after-school etiquette class, and was speaking with a teacher from the school. Graber described a brief discussion about something capable of retarding a child's social growth, when her daughter walked in carrying the food for class. "My daughter heard the word 'retard' and snapped that the word 'retard' was not acceptable, paying no attention to which syllable I had put the accent on." The teacher, who clearly knew what Graber's daughter had missed, chuckled as Maura tried to explain to her daughter that the word, used properly, was not offensive. Her daughter continued to tell her she was wrong. Ms. Graber said, "I gave up. “Flame-retardant” Halloween costumes and such? She wasn't interested in hearing that. Once kids reach the ages of 18 to 21, suddenly they think they are adults and know everything. They don't." How true! 

This article was first published in 2012 on the “Social Graces and Savior-Faire” blogspot of dear friend and contributor to this site, the late-Demita Usher

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Follow Etiquette on Dance Floor

Men, do not spend the entire evening with one partner. As a courtesy, invite the hostess to dance and her daughter or sister.

Rules of etiquette always should be followed when on the dance floor

Just like any other sport or social function, there also are good manners in dancing. According to Arthur Murray Dance Studios, the following etiquette should be observed; 

• Clap at the end of each dance for the band and for your partner. 
• Be concerned with others on the floor besides yourself.
• Dance in line of dance 
• Rock steps are to be kept under one’s own body. 
• Control of arms is a must.
• Men, do not spend the entire evening with one partner. As a courtesy, invite the hostess to dance and her daughter or sister. 
• Ladies, do not refuse one gentleman and then accept another, nor tie strings by holding on to him. 
• Men, escort your partner back to her seat and thank her for the pleasure of the dance.
• Ladies, always precede the man to the dance floor. – Desert Sun, 1988

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Unsolicited Advice

 

Vintage etiquette advice from Miss Manners in the 1990’s, that still holds true today.

Judith Martin, who writes the syndicated “Miss Manners” column, said: “The first rule of giving advice is you only give it when it's sought. It's rude to go around giving advice to people who haven't asked for it. And it's futile, too, because they won't take it. It's more than a rule of etiquette. It's a rule of practicality.”– Santa Cruz Sentinel, 1992

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia