Family Etiquette and All It Implies, Pt 2

Yes... You have to come with us! They've been married ten years and you're the anniversary gift. You're the only gift we could find of tin. 

Anniversaries

The observance of family festivals is a great bond of union when there are different ages and temperaments and interests represented in the family circle. In the home holidays, all meet on a common ground, and get once more into touch with each other. Yet the observance of such festivals should never be more elaboratethan the purse will justify, nor should it be allowed to become a burden upon any one, even the most willing. The festive spirit is lost if it becomes obligatory.

The observance of wedding anniversaries is usually an honored custom in the case of happy marriages, where children grow up who take delight in making much of the days which are sacred to their parents. Where this observance is not a matter of form or done with any ulterior motive, but is spontaneous and joyous, it adds much to the family happiness and strengthens the bonds, not only between parents but between parents and children.

It is customary to make gifts of the sort signified in the name of the anniversary, and much ingenuity can be exercised in carrying out the idea. The anniversaries are named as follows:

At the end of the first year comes a cotton wedding; at the end of the second, a paper wedding; the third, a linen wedding; the fifth, a wooden; the tenth, a tin wedding; the fifteenth, a crystal; the twentieth, linen; the twenty-fifth, silver; the thirtieth, pearl; fortieth, ruby; fiftieth, a golden wedding; and the sixtieth, a diamondwedding. These anniversaries may be added to, as by celebrating a leather wedding the third year, instead of two of linen; a woolen one the seventh; and a china one the twelfth.

A birthday anniversary is a momentous event in the life of a child. Disregard of it is a heart-breaking slight. The celebrations of these events, even in families where they are numerous and resources few, can be made joyous if there is love enough to do it, even without money.

The Giving of Presents
      
          

Guess who's coming as Lord Grantham's birthday present? Life holds too much of defeat for the average person, for its minor victories to be passed over in silence and indifference. 

The members of a family who have each other's welfare at heart, often have the impulse to give each other something which they may know is needed or wanted. While this impulse should be cultivated even with the most limited means, and the sense of generosity preserved even among the poorest,—where, to be frank, it is more apt to be found than among the rich,—there should be no counting upon such presents, nor obligation to make them imposed. This destroys their value as expressions of affection, and makes the custom harmful. For that reason it is not well to adhere to times and seasons, but at any time when the right opportunity offers and the impulse moves, give the gift that one desires to give.

Where such an impulse is characteristic of a family, the members will naturally take pride in expressing in that way their appreciation of individual achievement, as when a member graduates from a high school or college, or attains his majority, or makes some special advance in any way. The spirit which welcomes achievement and recognizes it, becomes an incentive, perhaps the strongest there is, and surely the most noble, that of satisfying and pleasing a loved one. Life holds too much of defeat for the average person, for its minor victories to be passed over in silence and indifference.

Intimate Friends

                             

If one holds friends a little lower than one's family, and expends upon them effort to charm second only to the effort habitually given to those whom one loves, then intimacy becomes a privilege. 

One's attitude toward intimate friends is either a pleasant memory or a sad revelation. If one holds them a little lower than one's family, and expends upon them effort to charm second only to the effort habitually given to those whom one loves, then intimacy becomes a privilege, no matter what the circumstances, and alifelong gratification and pleasure. If, however, one considers that intimate friends are entitled to less courtesy than the public, and are to be made to serve one's purpose more effectually than mere acquaintances do, then the burden of friendship is great, and soon dropped.

Affection is not mercenary. One word in regard to the single monopolizing friendship. Many a marriage has been wrecked, and many a mother's friendship turned away, because some one friend, of about one's own age and tastes, of pronounced influence and exorbitant demands, has usurped, at first perhaps unconsciously but ever surely, the place inone's life, and at last in one's heart, that some member of the family should have taken.

Some people seem naturally predisposed to this sort of friendship, and as soon as the intellectual zest is gone from absorbing companionship with one person, they turn to another. One such instance showed through twenty years a series of such friendships on the part of a well-meaning but foolish woman, in which her husband figured briefly, passing on and off the stage as violently as, and even more speedily than, the other "friends." Too great familiarity with new acquaintances is impolite as well as unwise. It cannot fail of seeming forced, and even if the friendship is to be close and permanent, a hastily-laid foundation is never the most secure. One should never call a friend by his Christian name until he requests one to do so.

Illness in the Home

                      

The well should make all wise sacrifices for the sake of the ill…

Illness means that the order of the home life must be seriously disturbed. Consideration for the one who is ill, and effort to alleviate the suffering, should take the place of every other thought and ambition. It is necessary, of course, that the routine of living should be sufficiently preserved for the health of the others not to be affected, but matters of comfort and well-being for all take precedence of everything else.

The well should make all wise sacrifices for the sake of the ill, such as being quiet about the house; never complaining at late or simple meals; setting aside personal plans and comfort in order to assist, if needed, in the care of the ill; looking out for the relief and comfort of the nurse, upon whom the major part of the responsibility rests; never grudging time or money in the effort to restore health; and, above all, making these sacrifices in the spirit of love and not in that of martyrdom.

Many people, who make even unreasonable sacrifices for others in times of emergency, do it so ungraciously, that one does not feel that they are entitledto the thanks which they still actually deserve and should receive.

Courtesy demands that the claims of the nurse and doctor be settled promptly and generously. They were prompt in meeting the emergency. There should be no delay in acknowledging the obligation to them, even though their promptness is looked upon, by them and by society, as part of their professional duty.

The convalescent takes such abnormally keen delight in being remembered, that it is obligatory upon the rest of his family and his friends not to forget him. Kindly messages should be frequent. Trifling gifts frequently are better than large gifts occasionally, unless the large gift is something greatly desired.

One should never fail to offer the easiest and best seat in the room to an invalid, an elderly person, or a lady.

Courtesy to Servants

                        

The servant has every human right to civility... 

It is safe to predict that, if the acumen of the business man, and the courtesy of the social leader and woman of true refinement were brought to bear upon the servant problem, that would soon assume a different aspect.

If the consideration that would be shown an ailing guest were shown an ailing servant, service would be more generously and more faithfully rendered. The waitress at the table is entitled to courtesy, but not to apologetic efforts to diminish her task. Appreciation may be shown in a "Thank you," or, "If you please," but such notice of her should be unobtrusively spoken, soas not to interfere with the general conversation about the table.

The servant has every human right to civility, and the withholding of wages is no more culpable, if more illegal, than is the withholding of civil treatment, and the infliction of the indignity of impatience and harsh and unmerited reproof.

All servants need careful training.Neatness is the first requisite. The lack of it most seriously reflects upon the management of the household. Servants should be trained to answer the door-bell promptly, reply civilly to questions, and in all things represent their master and mistress in a dignified and courteous way. They should not admit one person whocalls socially, and deny another, unless under special and exceptional orders. They should not fail to deliver promptly all notes, messages, and cards which may be received. Verbal messages should be received and given with accuracy.

The direct neglect of orders is unpardonable in an intelligent servant who has been well trained, and will not occur, even in the absence of the mistress, if the training has been explicit and complete and the servant is honorable,—as he should be in order to retain any position. A certain degree of initiative, too, should be cultivated in a servant who is given responsibility, so that he may meet an emergency with resourcefulness, in the absence of orders or specific instructions.The servant needs to respect his master and mistress.

The firm, strong, honest, and just control is respected by servants, and is much preferred to the irresolute one, even when the latter overflows frequently in lax kindness. Each man needs to be made to do his duty, and the power that forces him to do it should be gracious but must be firm.

To be familiar with servants is a fatal mistake, and eventually upsets and destroys all discipline. Servants should never be reproved in the presence of guests, or members of the family, or other servants, but should be talked with singly, and considerately, but plainly. – From Edith Ordway's 1918, "Etiquette of To-Day"

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Family Etiquette and All It Implies, Part 1

Never fail to be punctual at the time appointed, in keeping every engagement. 

The permanence of a courteous manner is the test of its sincerity. If one is polite invariably everywhere but at home, one's politeness is as superficial as a disguise, and as easily penetrated by the discerning.

Unselfish consideration for others meets its sternest discipline in the home and in family relations, and becomes, under that discipline, a reliable guide, instinctively consulted in every emergency.

Without manners at home, it is impossible to preserve the real nobility and unselfishness of character which make a man or a woman socially desirable.

     

The marriage relation has some little etiquette of its own which adds to its happiness. 

Obligations of the Married

The marriage relation, while based upon certain fundamental principles, and not to be preserved without adherence to them, has some little etiquette of its own which adds to its happiness.

The solemnization of marriage is a sacred ceremony and should be observed in a reverent spirit. To partake of its home intimacies for the first time as of a sacrament, and to perpetuate that same spirit on the anniversaries of the day, will do much toward making it a holy and a happy union.

Every marriage should be at least a perfect friendship; so a married couple should observe with each other the same little courtesies that they would observe if still only friends, being as deferential in greeting one another in public, as careful of each other's feelings, and as observant of each other's preferences.

A woman should remember to accept from her husband, as her due and without surprise or awkwardness, the little attentions which she expects and receives in society. A man, also, should expect, and not be disappointed in receiving, the graceful little appreciations and courtesies which the woman of charm extends to the man of achievement in her social circle.

The difference between the appreciations of society and those of the family is mainly that, in society, only the men of mark receive them, while, in the home, every man should receive his due; for there his efforts are known, even though they are not signal enough for society to recognize. As equality is the only basis upon which the authority of the home can happily rest, so a complete union of interests is the only basis for the successful financing of a home.
  
                        

In America, a wife never shares her husband's titles. 

While all the virtues of good management of her household, economy in the expenditure of money, taste in dressing herself and her children, and promptness and charm in fulfilling her social duties are expected of a wife, and should be fulfilled to the best of her ability, there are some minor things which make for happiness which should not be neglected.
Although present together at a function, husband and wife are not paired off together in their entertainment. He takes some other woman out to dinner, and she is escorted by some other man.

The wife who shines socially should remember that her family needs the charm of her presence more than society does, and it should be a daily household quality rather than for use only on state occasions.

The wife should confide in her husband on every matter of importance. She should not trouble him with trivial things, but, if a matter is of concern to her, she should not fail to let him know about it, and get his advice upon it. The cement of love is mutual confidence.

If a wife takes pains to understand her husband, to be his companion, and to do her full duty by him, by her children, and by her home, she cannot fail, under the ordinary circumstances of the American home, of winning happiness and making her husband happy. It is in the lack of desire to understand and love that the real menace to the happiness of the home lies. The deep-hearted and thoughtful people approach nearest the ideal of love.

It is taken for granted that the husband will perform the major duties of his relation, such as being a good citizen, a good business man, and hence a good provider for his family, and that he will in all things seek the mutual happiness of his family and himself.

He must be considerate to his wife if he would keep her love and respect. He should confide his business to her as far as she, in her inexperience, is able to grasp it, and he should teach her the things about it which it is important for her to know. Through his conversation alone she can get the rudiments of a good business training, and she will at least be able to comprehend the changes he may make or the difficulties in which he may find himself, and, seeing their cause, thus be able to sympathize, and not to blame, if reverses come. He should so train her in business ways and methods that, in case of his death or disability, she could attend to the business of his estate, even though she could not, or need not, earn money for the family.

      

The wife who shines socially should remember that her family needs the charm of her presence more than society does, and it should be a daily household quality rather than for use only on state occasions. 

The work of adjusting the labors of each to those of the other, so that there shall be time for recreation and social life together, should be a matter of mutual effort, and should not be dropped until solved to mutual satisfaction. If the members of the family cannot move in the same social circle, and together, a serious breach of family happiness is threatened. There is no marriage license which gives the right to constant harping upon one another's faults. In this, as in all other respects, the rule of friendship should prevail.

A husband should not open his wife's letters, nor should a wife her husband's.

All invitations are sent to a husband and wife jointly, except those for such occasions as a stag dinner, or a luncheon or "shower" to which ladies only are invited. If for any reason either the husband or the wife cannot attend a function, the other also must decline. The exceptions to this rule are those cases where a man or a woman of particular talent moves in a circle the interests of which are not especially enjoyable to the other one of the couple, or where the health of the one precludes the possibility of attendance upon affairs of which the other should not be deprived. Too long or too frequent use of the excuses which cover these exceptions, reflects seriously upon the marital happiness of the pair.

Although present together at a function, husband and wife are not paired off together in their entertainment. He takes some other woman out to dinner, and she is escorted by some other man. 

Even at dances and balls it is not good form for them to dance together too frequently, except at public dances where they are two of a private party of four or six, in which case rotation of partners would bring them together more frequently than if a larger number of their personal friends were present.

In America, a wife never shares her husband's titles.

          

Neither husband nor wife should confide family matters to any one but each other, nor discuss each other with any other person. 

Consultation and advice together on everything which concerns either is one of the privileges as well as the duties of marriage.
To reproach for errors which were made with good motives and the best of judgment available at the time is always unjust. Always to greet and to part from each other with affection is the source of much happiness.

Neither parent should be overambitious. Their personalities make the home, and if they are overworked and crowded with care, the home is not happy. The mother should always remember that home comes first, and should not absent herself from it save at those times and for that length of time when she is really not needed there.

Neither husband nor wife should confide family matters to any one but each other, nor discuss each other with any other person.

Companionship means the willingness to let one's own mood be dominated by another. Therefore, if they would be companionable, a husband and wife should meet each other's moods halfway. For what is lost personally now and then, far more of greater mutual value is obtained; and it is largely by a habit of companionableness that the happiness of the home can be made so satisfying that there can arise no question of its permanence.

To keep one's self up to one's best standard of speech and conduct is necessary, for only thus can the family standard be kept high. An arbitrary disposition in the home ruins the comfort of all. Companionship and mutual authority and helpfulness are the only foundations for a happy home.

General Rules of Conduct
          

If a wife takes pains to understand her husband, she cannot fail under the ordinary circumstances of the American home, of winning happiness and making her husband happy. 

Seek the companionship of the refined and the gentle-mannered if you would be the same. Move in that society in whose ways you are versed and whose rules you practice, if you would be appreciated or met with like courtesy.

Never fail to say kind words to those in distress whom you meet. The kindness, however, must be genuine, and come from the heart, never in stereotyped and hollow phrases.

The courtesy which offers attentions should be met with graciousness in receiving them. Surprise is a sign that one rates one's self lower than did the person who showed the courtesy. Attentions should be warmly accepted, and the gratitude expressed should be of the sort which does not forget.

A woman, when in the presence of the men of the family, should expect that doors will be opened for her, that she will pass through them first, that packages will be carried, and errands run. She should not, however, let these little attentions be paid her by her father or an elderly relative. 

Enter a room filled with people in a dignified manner and with a slight bow to the general company. "We all do stamp our value on ourselves" is true enough, and our private stamp is never more conspicuous than when we confront a roomful of people. If we show modesty but intense self-respect in our bearing, there is no one who will not raise his personal estimate of us no matter what it was.

The head should be well up, the body squarely erect, the chest out. Self-consciousness at such a time is a mistake, if natural, and shows the actual littleness which one is trying by an upright bearing to conceal. One should train one's self until the meeting of people, no matter who they may be, whether singly or in large numbers, is a matter of no particular concern as to deportment. Never enter a room noisily, nor fail to close a door after you, without slamming.

Never take another's seat unless you give it up upon his return. Dignified postures in sitting are marks of respect to yourself and the company you are with. A gentleman does not sit astride a chair, nor with legs spread out, nor a lady with her legs crossed. Never put out your foot, in the street car or elsewhere, or place it where it may trouble others in passing by.

When several people enter a room in a private house where you are sitting, always rise, especially if they are older than you. When an elderly person enters the room alone, it is always a graceful show of deference for all younger than he to rise and remain standing until he is seated.

The greetings of night and morning are due to all members of one's household, and should not be omitted. The one who enters a room where others are assembled gives the salutation first. "Good morning" is the appropriate greeting 'til noon. "Good afternoon" and "Good evening" are the greetings for the later hours of the day. "Good-by" is, however, the common and most acceptable form of farewell.

A woman, when in the presence of the men of the family, should expect that doors will be opened for her, that she will pass through them first, that packages will be carried, and errands run. 

After an evening's entertainment, it is permissible also to say "Good night" instead. "Good day," "Good afternoon," and "Good evening," used in farewell, are provincial.
"I beg pardon," spoken with an inquiring inflection, is much better than simply "What?" when you do not hear what is said. The abruptness of the latter savors of rudeness.

Whispering is not permissible in company, and it is not necessary in private. Therefore, whisper not at all, especially not in a sick-room or in church, where the whisper is far more penetrating than a low, distinct tone.

The calling up or down stairs is inconsiderate, for you attract the attention of two floors of people, as well as publish your message. To carry on a conversation over the banisters is also equally bad. Even a word of inquiry should usually be spoken at short distance in a hall which leads to several rooms, and where many people may hear or be disturbed by the noise. Such calling should never be permitted to servants or children, for once begun its convenience will demand its continuance.

Interrupting another's conversation is a serious breach of courtesy.

Finding fault is a very disturbing feature of home life, no matter how glaring the faults which may be criticised. Faults have to be remedied, but every effort should be made to do it skillfully, and not make the remedy worse than the disease.

Do not open your letters in company, except in case of emergency, and in the latter, ask the permission of the company to do so. Never, under any circumstances, open a private letter addressed to another. If the one to whom it is addressed is near enough to give you permission to open it, he can usually open it himself; if he is not by to give permission, the letter should go to his legal representative, who then acts according to the law.


                 

The close friend and the distant and far less welcome relative are entitled to equal courtesy. 

Politeness as well as pity impel one to be especially polite to the caller or visitor who is uncongenial, or stupid, or unattractive. By even an excess of hospitality one should try to make up for the inevitable slight which society always puts upon such a one.

Impartial courtesy is the right of all guests. The close friend and the distant and far less welcome relative are entitled to equal courtesy.

The holding of a grudge, and the failing to forgive a slight for which apology has been made, are the height of discourtesy. It is invariably true that the same spirit with which you mete out social slights will be shown you in return. Resent each one, whether intentional or a mere oversight, and you will surely crush the spontaneity out of all attentions shown you, and be met only with distrust.

When applied to for a favor, if you intend to grant it, grant it graciously and readily; if you intend to refuse, refuse with equal civility even though firmly. None but the unmannerly will urge a request when the slightest token of refusal has been given.

A gentleman may offer personal service to a lady, if there is need, tying her shoe, or hooking or buttoning her dress, or doing any other little act which she cannot herself do.

In a company of people, it is the height of rudeness to call attention to the form or features or dress of any one present.

In using a handkerchief, always do so unobtrusively. At the dining table it should be used very sparingly.

Better retire than be obnoxious to even the most fastidious.

Never look over the shoulder of any one who is reading or writing, whether in the home, of in a car, or at a concert, or anywhere else.

Do not touch any one in order to arrest his attention, but address him.

To lend a borrowed article is an appropriation of it which is next to stealing, unless one has permission of the owner to do so.

Self-control in excitement of any sort is a most valuable trait. It always makes for comfort of one's self and of others, and often for safety.

Do not pass between two persons who are talking together, if avoidable. If it is not, then apologize.

Never refuse to receive an apology. Courtesy requires, no matter how unforgivable the offense, that an apology should be accepted. Friendship may not be restored, but friendly courtesy should always thereafter be maintained.

Never neglect to perform a commission which a friend intrusted to you. Forgetfulness denotes lack of regard for the friend.

Never fail to be punctual at the time appointed, in keeping every engagement.

To make yourself the hero of your own story, or to speak much of your own performances, denotes deep-seated self-conceit, and may be very distasteful to others, who also have achieved.

        

Never question a child or a servant upon family matters. 

One's social obligations should never be neglected unless one is determined to drop out from one's place entirely. To acknowledge one invitation and not another is surely to be discredited with all.

Never question a child or a servant upon family matters.

Fulfill your promises,—or do not promise.

Deaf persons should be treated with special consideration. Act as though they could hear what is being said, yet without laying the burden of reply upon them, and without permitting it to be conspicuous in any way that they may have lost the drift of the talk. It is well to talk both louder and more expressively when they are present, but always more distinctly, and somewhat more slowly. Never shout at them, or attract their attention by touching them suddenly. This latter is not polite to any one, but the stronger impulse to do it in case of the deaf must be withstood. It is always better to come within the range of their vision before speaking to them. –From Edith Ordway's 1918, "Etiquette of Today"

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

 

Retro Etiquette for 1960's Housewives

Or... How to add to your husband's prestige.

Do you build respect for their father in your children?

Do You Know What Not to Talk About?

In some way nearly everything a wife does adds or detracts from her husband's stature.  When she drives him to the station in the morning looking happy and casually well-groomed, a contribution is being made to what he accomplishes that day. The grace and dignity with which she goes about her daily errands add to the dignity of his reputation. The ease and charm with which she entertains their guests makes their home seem a very special place. When she takes part in community activities, it adds to his prestige, and business organizations have long been aware that a man's wife is an important factor in his work. The image she presents of him to her friends and neighbors in conversation often has much to do with the opinion they form of him.

A wife who refrains from discussing certain subjects often contributes to her husbands prestige in subtle ways. Even when other women in your group are indiscrete in revealing intimate facts about their married life, remain tactfully silent. Information that should not be revealed even to close friends include any lacks in your husband's background or education, any business ambition or disappointments, and, of course, any personal limitations or idiosyncrasies. To mention these is poor taste as well as disloyal. You should not, on the other hand, boast about your husband to outsiders. To do so embarrasses the listener.

Personal financial matters are never a good subject for conversation. A wife should not reveal her husband's salary or other sources of income. To suggest that a husband's salary is inadequate makes him seem unsuccessful. Confidences about debt, loans, or mortgages are also taboo. The working wife should never say that she has to work because they need the money (even if this is true) or reveal the amount of her salary or mention what she buys or contributes to household expenses.

A wife who refrains from discussing certain subjects often contributes to her husbands prestige in subtle ways.

It is unwise to mention that your husband expects a promotion in his work or that he has failed to get a promotion he sought. It would also be unwise to confide that your husband has a chronic illness or to give detailed information about any acute illness. Anything that suggests emotional stress should not be mentioned. And his age or your own or any great difference between them is better not discussed.

The tactful wife, even if she shares her husband's beliefs on religious, philosophical, or political matters, should not become his spokesman in conversation. She should preface her remarks with "I believe ..." or "I think..." Not, "We believe..." and so forth.

The subtle way to let others know that a life goal has been reached, is to invite intimates to share an informal celebration.

A man's personal ambitions also should be revealed only by the man himself. Women too often reveal their husband's confidences in these matters with the thought of indicating that he is ambitious. The time for others to know about such hopes is after they are realized. The subtle way to let others know that a life goal has been reached, is to invite intimates to share an informal celebration. A loyal wife will also be on guard to protect her husband when prying questions are asked. Usually the light touch is helpful in warding these off.

  

Do You Know How to Talk with Business Associates?  

When she drives him to the station in the morning looking happy and casually well-groomed, a contribution is being made to what he accomplishes that day.

In talking with her husband's business associates, a wife should not quote her husband too often -- and then never about business matters. She shows intelligence and individuality by sticking to impersonal topics of conversation that nearly everyone finds interesting. When asked what her husband thinks about a certain subject, she would smile and say: "Perhaps you should let Rod answer that question himself." This suggests her husband has a mind of his own.

In meeting her husband's employees or subordinates, she should be cordial, impeccably courteous, and interested in what they have to say, without seeming curious or familiar. She should avoid talking about her husband or other personal matters and she should give the impression that she knows nothing personal about those with whom she talks. By seeming innocent of even small matters, she conveys that important matters -- illness, family problems -- are also unknown.

Before social encounters with business associates, clients, customers, and so forth, a wife should check with her husband about certain topics and find out whether they should be mentioned or not. The wife who uses personal diplomacy to protect her husband in even the smallest matters makes him seem discreet.

Do You Build Respect for Their Father in Your Children?

When a wife shows respect and consideration for her husband, she sets an example that their children will usually follow. She should be careful with what she teases her husband about in the presence of their children, because often the children do not understand such levity. The children should often hear their father lauded in terms of attractive personality traits and accomplishments that are not related to money.

A wife should never derogate or criticize her husband in front of their children.  Building their father up to your children is one of the best ways of instilling pride in their family name. It also gives the child a feeling that he is someone special to have such a father. The mother who confides her husband's limitations to her children is filling their minds with uncertainty about their family status.

The children should often hear their father lauded in terms of attractive personality traits and accomplishments that are not related to money.

The wife who fully accepts her responsibilities as a homemaker will want to do her job as well as her husband does his.  If you know that it is disruptive to call him often at work about household problems, refrain from doing so.  A wife who jeopardizes her husband's credit by running up bills or by spending money unwisely reflects upon him as well as herself. On the other hand, paying bills promptly and exercising good judgment in spending money will make her admired by those with whom she does business and will improve her husband's community standing.

From 1963's "Social Awareness -- Your Guide to Today's Manners," by Luella Cumming

More Retro Etiquette for the Bedroom

When she wants to climb down in the morning, don't forget to ask in French, “So soon?”

   

My last contribution, the previous post on Etiquipedia, was two chapters from the first volume of a two volume book.  The first two chapters were originally published in the 1934 book, “Bed Manners.”  These two chapters are from the 1936 sequel, “Better Bed Manners.” I do hope you find them as interesting and as entertaining as I do.

From “Better Bed Manners”

In Bed With an Etiquette Teacher

The great etiquette teacher's dinner party was coming to an end.  Without bustle or confusion, each guest was saying goodnight and thank you to the host.

Deft servants helped the ladies to adjust their wraps, and the gentleman to find their hats and coats in the coat-room. What a well-managed party it had been! How delicious the sherry with the soup, the white wine with the fish, the red wine with the joint! How beautifully the napkins had been folded, each containing a dinner roll! How correctly the knives have been laid at the right hand of each plate!

Yes, it had been a lovely party. Not a flaw in it anywhere. As each guest said "good night and thank you" in well modulated tones, the great teacher of etiquette made some graceful, correct little remark like: "Dear Mrs. Dusenpeffer, so good of you to come." All the men wore white ties and waistcoats with their tail coats. All the ladies were perfectly dressed for the evening -- none more perfectly than the great teacher herself.

In her restrained yet expressive voice, when the last guest had gone, she said: "Goodnight, Bung," to the butler. And then, because it is a mark of breeding to be appreciative of good service, she added: "Everything was well done, indeed."

"Good night, madam," replied the excellently trained butler, with a slight bow. It would not have been correct for him to thank his mistress for a compliment. All that remained for him to do was to put out the two cats, Etty and Quetty, and then retire for the night to his own butler's pantry, where convention required him to guard the silver.

The great etiquette teacher and poor Harry’s solar plexus.

The great teacher walked gracefully upstairs. No human eye was on her, but a true lady never slouches. Mentally she reviewed her party. She had caught the Archbishop eating asparagus with his fingers. She scratched him off her mental list for her next dinner. And that flighty Mrs. Constant Wreeder. She had hurried into the dining room without waiting for Mr. Crumplewaite to offer his arm.

The great teacher sighed. Well, her own manners have been above criticism -- surely an inspiration for every guest. She shut the door of her bedroom. And with it, she shut every thought of good manners out of her mind.

Instead of getting undressed, she just came to pieces.

Her underclothes laying in a puddle on the floor.

She put her hair in curlers and smeared her face with cold cream.

She looked at her husband, who was happily reading himself to sleep and said "Well, Harry, is your firm going into bankruptcy or not?" 

Then she asked him to get up and shut the window.

Then she turned on the radio.

Then she turned it off, and brought the conversation back to her husband's financial affairs.

Midway in this disagreeable chat, she saw a mosquito on the ceiling. In a sudden effort to kill it, she trod heavily on poor Harry's solar plexus.

A bit later she was sound asleep on her back, snoring loudly.

In the morning she jumped up, dragging the bedclothes off Harry's form. Without bothering to tuck him up, or even to notice if she had waked him, she breezed over to her desk. A happy thought had  struck her. "Well bred people," she wrote, "demonstrate the exquisite courtesy of good manners at every moment in their lives."

How to Invite Somebody to Bed

You “date yourself” far more by what you say than by the way you look. The use of worn out language (especially slanguage) is fatal to the best efforts of your barber and tailor, your gymnasium instructor, and all the others who try to make you seem youthful and sprightly.  And if you're a lady -- why, you may spend your allowance ten times over at the modiste's and the beauty parlor, and still be recognized for a grandmother if you use a grandmother's wise-cracks.

If you say: “Let us retire!” you date from the 1870's.

If you say: “Let's hit the hay!” you date from the 1880's.

If you say: “How about pounding your ear?” or speak of your bed as “the feathers,” you are using slang of nearly as ancient vintage.  To speak of going to bed as “flopping” is also not very new. In fact there is nothing safer and more modern to say than “Let's go to bed.”

But people do get tired of saying this over and over again, especially if they have to say it several times every evening, before good results are attained. Comical bishops in English novels usually vary it by making up a phrase such as "Let's all go to Bedfordshire!" But this is also old.

“Let's hit the selected South American horsehair, full of correctly tempered hour-glass springs, and magically insulated with fleecy felt,” probably would not have struck gold on the music charts as did “Let's Spend the Night Together”

To be thought young and dashing you need a wholly new piece of slang. It is always piquant to make it up yourself, and not depend on seeing it in the newspaper, or overhearing it at a party. Here is the way to proceed:

It was funny to call a bed "the hay" for a few years after the mattress was stuffed with hay. But your mattress is now stuffed with selected South American horsehair, full of correctly tempered hour-glass springs, and magically insulated with fleecy felt. If you don't believe us, cut it open. Or read the advertisement of that mattress.

You would surprise and perhaps charm also anybody, even your husband, if instead of saying "Let's hit the hay!" you said "Let's hit the selected South American horsehair, full of correctly tempered hour-glass springs, etc. etc.". But maybe this is too long to learn by heart -- and it certainly won't sound funny twice.

What you need, to refresh your way of speaking, are some good, reliable words that mean dead. Are short list includes bunk, berth, palett, crib, cot, shakedown, lit (French) and palang (Hindu.) Then you want a few good words that mean "lie down," "yawn," "snore," "take a rest," and so forth.  You might trust the dictionary, but never trust a dictionary too far. Or you will find yourself saying to some startled person, who never went to school in Boston, something that he or she won't understand. 

Only if your wife was a Boston girl can you say: “I am somniferous. Are you statuvolvent? Shall we oscitate in our palang?” It is really simpler to say: “Let's go to bed.”

Contributor Maura Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, for nearly a quarter of a century, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette.  She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years. 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia