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Elizabeth Post was the granddaughter in-law of etiquette author, Emily Post and Emily’s first family successor. |
My column this week is Inspired by the following letter. Mrs. Gold of Pittsburgh, Pa. has been awarded a copy of Emily Post’s Etiquette for her prize-winning letter of the week.
Dear Mrs. Post: I have learned so many things from your column. But sometimes I wish there were answers that would not make the poor or low middle-class people feel left out. Many people in my class would like to do the appropriate thing also. We just don't have china, silver, linens and crystal to entertain our guests with.
I have three daughters and want them to be gracious hostesses as they grow. Why don't schools teach more about etiquette? Many students know very little about how to set a table, fold their napkin on their lap, eat at a restaurant, etc… These are all so important to know in order to feel at ease as a hostess, or in a public eating place. I hope that by the time our daughters are in school more etiquette will be taught. -Catherine Gold
Dear Mrs. Gold: If I have given the impression that etiquette is only for the rich, I have failed in putting across my most important message, that good manners, not etiquette, are not a matter of having but a matter of doing and being.
If I talk about china and crystal, it is generally because someone has asked specifically about those things. The person who can live graciously with few material luxuries, who can make a charming home or entertain pleasantly without spending beyond his means deserves far more credit than the one who can afford to pay for all the help, the expensive foods, and the elaborate decorations he wants. No Sterling?
When I discuss elaborate parties or situations I hope that readers will recognize and adapt those elements which are not out of their reach to their own situation. You need not have sterling silver and fine crystal to set a lovely table, but by knowing the correct placement of those things, your own table, set with plastic or crockery, can be as lovely, as imaginative, and in as perfect taste as that of Mrs. Gotrocks.
I know many wealthy men who are not gentlemen, and I know many women with barely a cent to their names who are ladies. In both cases it is their manner and their attitude toward others and themselves which makes them what they are. Etiquette is not a matter of material things; it is a matter of what you have made of yourself, with the help of, or in spite of, your environment.
Are Manners Out of Style?
This answers the question I am asked so often - “is etiquette still important is it relevant in our world today?” Of course it is. Manners, which are outward sign of a person who has self- respect and is considerate of others, must change to keep up with the times, and those which are discarded must be replaced by newer, more appropriate ones. But the need is still there. Manners are still the guideposts to gracious living, and a knowledge of how to behave still gives one self-confidence, security, and self-respect.
I, too, wish that etiquette were taught in the schools. Many parents have abdicated their responsibility in teaching their children basic good manners, and if they are not taught at home, where will they receive such instruction? The number of letters I receive from teenagers is evidence of the lack of instruction they get at home. If their parents had taught them the most rudimentary principles of etiquette, they would surely not go to the trouble of writing to a columnist for information on their social problems.
Unfortunately, schools are invariably so pressed for money and teachers that they are loathe to start any courses they do not consider essential. And I have yet to find a principal who considered the subject more than a desirable adjunct to other teaching, but far from essential. Possibly if this attitude were different they would be paid off by less vandalism, better teacher- pupil relationships, and more cooperation and obedience to rules.
Manners in School
As parents, there is only one thing we can do, and that is to talk to teachers and to principals in our children's schools. If it is not possible to have a separate class in etiquette, it is not impossible that teachers in the younger grades could incorporate “manners” into many of the other subjects they teach. Some do, to be sure, but they are few and far between.
I would also like to see educational films on manners shown, and this, too, has been discussed a great deal. Television has finally incorporated some of this into the delightful and educational show, “Sesame Street.” Again, it is lack of funds which has prevented these films from being made and shown.
So, mothers, let us unite. If enough of you would like to see more etiquette taught in schools and through TV, write to me and tell me your ideas about it. If you provide me with enough ammunition, enough proof of the need, we might conceivably bring an influence to bear on those who could promote a “good manners” revolution. – By Elizabeth Post of the Emily Post Institute, 1970
🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia