1957’s Modern Etiquette

Q. … what am I supposed to do at a wedding dinner when a toast is drunk to the bride?
A. You hold the drink which has been poured for you in your hand, lift it when the toast is made, and then put it down at the first opportunity.

MODERN ETIQUETTE

Q. Is it improper for a man to tell a woman friend that her slip is showing?
A. This is quite all right, if there is a place where she can go to fix it. Otherwise, it would be more thoughtful if he keeps quite about it to avoid making her feel un- comfortable.

Q. Since I do not drink alcoholic beverages, what am I supposed to do at a wedding dinner when a toast is drunk to the bride?
A. You hold the drink which has been poured for you in your hand, lift it when the toast is made, and then put it down at the first opportunity.

Q. Is it a matter of etiquette for a new father to give out cigars and candy to his friends?
A. There are no rules of etiquette regarding this. It's just an old widespread American custom. — By Roberta Lee, in “Modern Etiquette,” Press Tribune, 1957

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Lunchroom and Hotel Table Etiquette

How shall I tip the waiter when there are just three or four ladies traveling together?

An Agony Aunt column Q & A

Dear Mrs Adams,

Kindly advise me on the following questions relative to table etiquette in hotels and lunchrooms:

1. How to use napkin.
2. Where to place individual dishes such as bread, butter, water, fish, so on to salad.
3. When dishes are placed by a waiter, should they be moved to suit one’s convenience,
4. How to eat different bread stuffs, such as biscuit and hot rolls.
5. What to do when one does not care for courses that are brought on.
6. Is one supposed to eat from side dishes or dinner plate?
7. When a waiter brings courses ‘round should I take them off of the tray and place them on the table, or should the waiter?
8. How shall I tip the waiter when there are just three or four ladies traveling together?

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1. The napkin is taken from the table, unfolded and laid across the knees. At the close of the meal, it should be placed unfolded, a little to the side of one’s plate.
2. The bread and butter plate is placed to the left of one’s plate and the tumbler of water to the right. These, as well as the dishes that follow, will be placed correctly by the waiter.
3. Yes, in an unobtrusive manner.
4. Bread, biscuit or rolls are eaten in the same manner. A piece is broken off each time one wishes to convey any to the mouth.
5. The best way to do this is to make a pretense of eating it, or to continue eating bread or crackers, so that you will not make yourself conspicuous by sitting back and not eating. Of course, if you are asked whether you would care for a certain dish when the order is given, you can then give your explanation.
6. If small portions are brought in on side dishes, you should take the food directly from them.
7. Leave the amount you desire to give the waiter on the tray when he brings your change. — The Los Angeles Herald, 1911

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Superiority Complexes

Similar to Chinese coolies, Japanese “Jinrikisha boys” were considered rough and without any manners. They pulled rickshaws. The word rickshaw originates from the Japanese word jinrikisha  jin or “human” and riki or “power.” Sadly, they did not have the power to change the perceptions of those people in society with superiority complexes!

One thing a really polite man or woman never does is to call attention to another person, particularly one inferior in any way. It often happens that we are brought in some way into contact with persons who are of another race, religion or merely another strata of society than ours. It is most rude to, in any way, make these people feel that they are any different than we are. 

One of my dearest friends is a young Englishwoman, born and raised in China. All of her former life was spent in what we would consider the lap of luxury. She was surrounded by servants and coolies to do her bidding. She was brought up to consider the Chinese coolies as lower than the dust. She still can not feel that the Chinese youth that we have here in San Francisco are any more than their parents in the old country —just servants. I have argued and tried to explain to no avail. She simply can not change her training! — By Deborah Ames, Calexico Chronicle, 1936

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1930’s Etiquette for Gents and PDA

“A man never takes a woman’s arm, but offers his. It is definitely bad taste to walk arm in arm. I have always felt that any display of emotion in public was very poor taste.”

Beware Showing Public Emotion

I THINK it was a man named Phelps who gave what is to me the almost perfect definition of etiquette. He said, “The essence of politeness consists in so conducting ourselves, in manner and word, that others may be pleased both with us and with themselves.” There are innumerable little tests of good manners that distinguish, the well-bred person in public. A truly polite person never calls attention to himself in any way, at any time. When he meets a friend, he does so quietly and graciously. He is cordial without being conspicuous. A gentleman offers his arm to an old lady or an invalid. He helps his companion to alight from a car, to step across a puddle, or in walking down dark stairs.

A young man may offer to assist an older or infirm man in any of these instances without seeming forward. A man never takes a woman’s arm, but offers his. It is definitely bad taste to walk arm in arm. I have always felt that any display of emotion in public was very poor taste. I never punish my children before other people, neither do I allow them to “make scenes” in places where they will attract attention. This fashion of kissing upon meeting and leaving one’s friends, is particularly distasteful. If you start kissing people the second time you meet them, it is like eating your dessert before you finish the salad and entrée. It leaves you nothing to grow, to nothing to look forward to, in the development of your friendship. Kissing is something that should be kept for one’s family or dearest friends. When it is done promiscuously, it becomes meaningless. — By Deborah Ames, Calexico Chronicle, 1936

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Spoon History and Etiquette

“Spoons are older than forks, because nature provides them. Where people live near the sea, sea shells are often used as spoons. Gourds and sections of bamboo have been used too, and spoons are easy to carve out of wood. In a few places, as among the Native Americans of the Pacific Northwest, the “spoon” might actually be almost flat, like a paddle, because its real use was to fish out solid bits of food for the honored guest.”— Shown above, three small antique silver spoons, from left to right, a mustard spoon, salt spoon and a snuff spoon
—Photo source, Etiquipedia private library 

Tiny Bowls

What’s a spoon, really? A tiny bowl with a long handle so that we don’t have to drink clumsily from a larger bowl.

We use it for soup, but that’s just the elegant modern way to do it. The original way (which survived in rural areas well into the 19th century) was to pick up the whole bowl and chug it down. Sticklers for good usage insist that we should say we “drink” soup, rather than “eat” it, but in the old days that went without saying.

Spoons are officially intended for liquid or semi-liquid  food, so we use a spoon for pudding or ice cream (hence the expression “X could eat Y with a spoon,” meaning X considers Y a luscious treat). But we use a fork for pie, because it’s a pastry, a distinction that has infuriated many a small child who wanted to get all of a pie’s drippy fruit filling.

Spoons are older than forks, because nature provides them. Where people live near the sea, sea shells are often used as spoons. Gourds and sections of bamboo have been used too, and spoons are easy to carve out of wood. In a few places, as among the Native Americans of the Pacific Northwest, the “spoon” might actually be almost flat, like a paddle, because its real use was to fish out solid bits of food for the honored guest.

In many parts of the world, people eat out of a communal plate and even take soup from a common bowl. Obviously, this poses a risk of spreading disease. But people have ways of getting around that. In Central Asia, for instance, the soup spoon has a remarkably wide bowl— sometimes it looks like two bowls side by side— and etiquette requires that you scoop away from you into the common bowl of soup or yogurt. So the part of the spoon that goes into the soup is not the part that goes into your mouth. Clever. — By Charles Perry, 1999

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Self- Control

You can never be rude if you bear the rule always in mind, for what lady likes to be treated rudely? — Image source, Etiquipedia private library

Self Control ~

"Will Power is the rudder of the ship of life."

A woman's life is about what she makes it. She is her own Fate. The law that governs one, governs all humanity, because the laws of thought are the laws of the universe. The mind and body are co-workers. "As a man thinks, so is he." Great men are those who see to it that the mental force is stronger than the material, and who "Will" that thought shall rule their world. Every thought stimulates certain brain cells, and exercises some nerve, tissue or muscle. Man's superiority to animal is due to this mental action.

Actions speak louder than words. They are published thoughts. Every movement of every portion of the body has significance. Picking up a glass, a cup, or tools and other habits reflect the mind and its superiority to the physical. There is no surer way to judge people.

Every face tells a tale and we read character from the physical form—the head, the backbone, the eye, the mouth, the chin, or hand. The uplifted eye, the corners of the mouth, the manner in which one eats or stands, in fact every movement has a special meaning, which may be easily read. The body is like a camera, it tells the truth; it is the outward sign of inward grace, or vice versa.

Some one has said "Women's characters are writ large on their faces and God writes a perfectly plain hand." Because women are more emotional than men and because they often indulge themselves in emotions, the signs are frequently very evident. If we study these signs when we meet others we may "size them up," and almost know what is passing through their minds. Because of sexual magnetism men read women more easily than they read men.

Mental habits soon become reflective or automatic. In order to read others we must study ourselves, discover our habits and tendencies and trace them to their source for correction.

The time has arrived for new thoughts, new studies, and new habits. Colored women must be led along the new lines of thinking. Although many have seemed stupid about some of the abstract studies, they have native powers that have too long lain dormant.

Many are permitting their forces to go to waste instead of controlling them. They must discipline themselves to gain self control over such habits as over-eating, coarseness, inertia, anger, and other beauty destroyers. Any excessive emotion debilitates the nervous system and thus affects good looks.

Proper poise prolongs life because pressure on certain organs is evenly distributed and no strain is placed on any particular muscles to cause abscesses or tumors, etc. Improved circulation of the blood results, and good circulation spells health. One can think better when poise is correct for the same reason.

The conversation of people gives a pretty correct estimate of character. Complaints from people who are sorry for themselves is one of the tell-tale evidences of a weak character.

There is a present day need of knowledge concerning a certain contagion of emotions. Strong feeling sometimes vibrates that which is hostile and selfish. One fretful, scolding woman can upset a neighborhood, to say nothing of a household.

One's thoughts should be of love and peace, instead of worry and fear, lest she may harm others. A woman should be unafraid to conquer life's problems. She should have faith in herself or she will be a dreamer instead of a doer. She must be positive instead of negative, but be positive in the right way which includes the thought and help for others.

Voices reflect the mind and soul, so the colored woman should control the speaking voice. Ella Wheeler Wilcox has said, "Some voices affect us like music, Some voices arouse to action and ambition. Some voices fill you with despondency. Some voices irritate like a buzz-saw. Some voices snap like turtles, and some hiss like serpents." Control of the speaking voice is one of the most admired evidences of self control.

The power of the mind over the body is said to be greater than any germ. Compelling the mind to perform some one useful

disagreeable act each day is a splendid habit trainer. The influences that we exert over others will depend to a great extent

upon the control over our own habits as well as the resistance to influence that others might exert over us.

One must conquer habits of laziness, untidiness, extravagance, voice, gestures, clothing, to gain power to concentrate thought. — From, “The Colored Girl Beautiful,” by Emma Azalia Smith Hackley, 1916

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and E. Azalia Smith Hackley

Emma Azalia Smith Hackley was an extremely accomplished, African American woman. A teacher, newspaper editor, concert soprano, and a political activist, she promoted racial pride through her support and promotion of music education for African Americans. Her book, “The Colored Girl Beautiful,” published in 1916, was said to have been written as a a "how to" of sorts, for becoming a refined African American lady. She died in Detroit in 1922 at the age of 54. —Public domain image of Emma Azalia Smith Hackley 

The Colored Woman Beautiful

In spite of everything to be said on the subject the womanly woman is always the strongest magnet whether she is called beautiful or not.

If the colored girl has not been taught by her mother or guardian to train herself for a beautiful maturity even after she has passed girlhood, it is not too late to train herself.

Good begets good, so she will exert herself to make a wide circle of friends altho she will be careful not to grow too intimate with any. She may be a real friend without undue intimacy.

It is conceded that most women "must talk" to someone but too much intimacy means too much freedom and this often destroys friendship.

One cannot argue, quarrel, or criticize and still expect real friendship. One definition of a friend is, "One you know all about and still like." One should not try to "make her friends over" and one never says disagreeable things to her friends nor does she make unfavorable comments about their personal attire or weaknesses. She lets her friends learn all unpleasant things from others. "The links of the chain of friendship are held by a very delicate thread." The tiniest word, doubt or action may sever the links.

The colored woman beautiful will try to love that she may be loved. She believes that "man is his brother's keeper" and she has ideals and visions for the race. She has a moral obligation; she reaches out a helping hand to others. She can mix without being mixed. We can not help others unless we mix. There must be close contact-touch to lift up others.

The colored woman beautiful believes that everyone who gets up must pull up, or else she will be kept down by the weight of the racial burden. Each one's welfare is closely bound with that of the masses. The race as a whole must progress and prosper, or else no unit may prosper. The colored woman beautiful gives the best in her for race advancement. She works, thinks, and reads to be ready for the need of the tomorrow and its problems.

The colored woman beautiful will not carry "chips on her shoulder," looking for slights and insults. If she carries the thought too strongly it becomes catching and someone will take up the idea. She will set into motion lesser vibrations in the minds and bodies of others and the things she imagines will happen.

She should resist thoughts of suspicion. She must not think about the things she wishes to keep secret, for thoughts are contagious.

The colored woman beautiful does not call another woman "bad" just because she does not measure up to her ethical code. She must be so persistent in being good herself that everyone else seems to look and act good. If God loves the lowest, she can afford to do likewise. She follows the rule, "Judge not that ye be not judged." She does not make the mistake of criticising those who have not her strong will power, lest having stronger projection this unkindness may return swift and sure to her. To permit the absent to be disparaged or depreciated in her presence is almost as harmful to herself as if she had said things.

What is "good" in (another) woman? What is "bad" in (another) woman? These are two difficult questions to answer and a woman must not judge by her own standard for herself. Women are inclined to be too narrow in their viewpoint in judging other women. While one may boast of her virtue of virtues some women may have a bundle of lesser virtues of which to boast. It takes more than one virtue to make a good woman. Many women are unduly vain of their escape from the "sin of sins" and some of these may have known no temptation.

When one notes how many good friends a so-called "bad" woman may have, one wonders why it is. Those who understand the law of vibrations recognize that the woman has projected something of herself which has brought her a rich return in spite of her one weakness.

It is a terrible thing to be a bad example along any line to young girls, so every colored woman should try to conquer herself and live down any weakness or error. She should give out the best that is in her that she may be a good example to younger women. She lets the light of love and purity shine in her face and transform it, and it will reflect in the faces of others and make her own soul the happier.— From, “The Colored Girl Beautiful,” by Emma Azalia Smith Hackley, 1916

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Ethiopian Emperor

“The official reception was conducted with formal court etiquette that required each couple to bow or curtsy upon entering the throne room, to bow or curtsy again half way across as they approached the Emperor, and to bow or curtsy a final time when they were presented to this dignified personage who is the Elect of God, Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Judah, King of Zion, Negusa Nagast (King of Kings) and Emperor of Ethiopia.” — Public domain image of Ethiopian Emperor, Haile Selassie

Trailers Intrigue Emperor

One of the most interesting tales the Africa Caravanners who are pioneering with Wally Byam from Capetown to Cairo in their Airstream Land Yachts are going to tell when they get back will be about their official reception at the Imperial Palace of Ethiopia's Emperor, Haile Selassie.

This was conducted with formal court etiquette that required each couple to bow or curtsy upon entering the throne room, to bow or curtsy again half way across as they approached the Emperor, and to bow or curtsy a final time when they were presented to this dignified personage who is the Elect of God, Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Judah, King of Zion, Negusa Nagast (King of Kings) and Emperor of Ethiopia.

After the presentation, champagne was served to the Caravanners and His Imperial Majesty asked to talk to various couples. He was most interested to learn just who these people were and why they had worked so hard to get over primitive camel trail "roads" to visit his country.

THE CARAVANNERS explained that they had no connection with the U.S. government except to pay their taxes, and that they had come entirely as tourists, just to meet the Ethiopian people and see their country.

AS A PARTING salute to Ethiopia, before they headed north to Khartoum, the Caravanners entertained Haile Selassie at the Caravan encampment. The ladies of the Caravan baked up batches of their favorite cookies, brewed pots of coffee, and iced up coke for the youngsters. His Majesty toured the whole camp and asked to visit in about 12 of the 36 Land Yachts parked at the Royal Race Track. — Long Beach Telegram, 1960

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia