Calling Card Etiquette from The Lady

The fashion of manners and etiquette is almost as fickle as that of dress. What is this year's meat is next year's poison, to parody an old saying. It is very seldom you lift up a society paper without seeing some agonizing inquiry on the subject of visiting cards, for instance. — The Lady

The sOCIAL MIRROR

The following is from The Lady, a society journal of London, which is an acknowledged authority on social manners, and is published in the Social Mirror at the request of a number of our prominent society ladies:

The fashion of manners and etiquette is almost as fickle as that of dress. What is this year's meat is next year's poison, to parody an old saying. It is very seldom you lift up a society paper without seeing some agonizing inquiry on the subject of visiting cards, for instance.

There are endless, ever-changing fads about these tiresome bits of pasteboard, so I will try to give a few general hints; it is impossible to do more.

A question I often see asked is, which corner of a card is it necessary to bend to signify you have left it yourself? It is by no means imperative for you to bend any, but it is considered rather a smart thing to do so to the right-hand bottom corner.

The other day I heard a discussion on the vexed question as to whether you can send visiting cards by post; and a reliable authority settled that point that in no case is it permissible, with the two exceptions of a P. P. C. or a condolence card. There was an attempt a few years ago to permit bachelors to send cards, instead of calling after a bit, but the card had to be sent the next day, or the rule became void. However, it is not considered good “ton” now. 

If a man is not blessed with any female relative to take his card with theirs, then the only alternative is to call himself often a most difficult achievement in the case of business and professional men, who naturally grudge spending a hard-earned holiday in paying the stately call. But society has its rites which demand observance. I think I need hardly say that under no circumstances is it allowable to send your cards in by the servant. A well-trained domestic would of course suppress them; but mistakes are made in the best regulated families. If you are calling after a dinner party or ball, leave your cards in the hall on the way out; but if your call is merely an “at home” one, then your cards are quite unnecessary.

Then another question, which is a thorn in the side of many hostesses, is whether it is correct to introduce at an afternoon call. Many fashionable women insist upon doing it still, and there others, equally high up the social plane, who argue the fact of people meeting at their house is sufficient guarantee and introduction But I think the happy medium is hit by a hostess using her own judgment and tact. 

A shy, nervous visitor requires a few kindly words of introduction to put her or him, as the case may be, at ease. Then, if there are two people of congenial tastes separated by the length of the room, a discriminating hostess would somehow contrive that they should be brought together and started on the subject dearest to their hearts; but such a conversation does not warrant any further intimacy unless mutually desired. 

And for the benefit of debutantes and pushing bachelors, I may here add that an introduction at a public ball does not necessarily entail a further acquaintance. The small habits and details which tend to produce society polish are so subtle as to be almost indescribable one glides into them, as it were, unconsciously. For instance, to profusely thank a servant for handing you anything at a dinner party would stamp you at once as being somewhat “green” to society. 

The fact that the servant is there to wait upon you should be looked upon as a right, and accepted accordingly, quietly and easily. Then the hospitable old habit, which was considered the acme of all that was polite, oppressing your guests to take more than was good for them, has quite gone out. It makes one shudder to think of the agonies of indigestion suffered by our ancestors in the cause of “good manners.”

The art of making friends welcome without any ostentations or fuss is one of the first laws to be learned in the manners of today. This requires great niceness of discrimination and judgment, and illustrates in some way what I mean by the world “subtle.”

One of the strangest freaks fashion ever indulged in is the handshake so popular during the two past seasons, the arm from the elbow to the wrist being held quite stiff and almost perpendicular and the hand on a level with the face, which only permits of the most limited action. A glance at one of Du Maurier's drawing-room scenes will show you the correct attitude at once; but my advice to those who have not gone in for it is, “Don't!” as, having touched the grotesque, it is on the wane. Some people grasp these changes quickly, and for them it is easy, but to many it is a truly laborious effort to do something this year diametrically opposed to what they did last.

Smiles, in his book on “Character,” says that “a good manner is the art of showing outwardly the inward respect we have for others.” And the instincts of a kind heart are really worth more than all the conventional rules ever made. Still, the latter have a power of their own in the world of society, and cannot be ignored.— Humboldt Times, 1910

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Etiquette for Addressing a Widow

Maureen Eleva Reardon’s columns and advice were called “The new etiquette” back in the mid 1970’s…

Q. When a person's husband is deceased, is it proper to use the name “Mrs. John Smith?” Mrs. F. W., Fort Smith? Wayne, Ind.

A. That's the customary way of doing it. The main alternate would be for Mrs. Smith to call herself “Mrs. Mary Smith.” It's not a good alternative since that combination has generally come to mean that a woman is divorced. The woman could also call herself “Ms. Mary Smith” if she preferred. I like “Mrs. John Smith” better.

When to use the term "Mrs. John Smith" is another question. It's sensible for a woman to identify herself as “Mary Smith” in social conversation, since her name is, after all, “Mary” and not “John.” She might add “My husband was the late John Smith” if the explanation is necessary.

Business dealings are another matter. If all of the family's accounts have been in her husband's name, for instance, she may find that she must identify herself as “Mrs. John Smith” to avoid the wrath of the computers.- By Maureen Eleva Reardon, 1974

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

When the Widowed Remarry

We're delighted to let you know that we'll be married October 12 at 11 a.m. at the First Methodist Church. It would help make our day if you could come to the ceremony, and to the wedding brunch at the Comstock Hotel. Please don't bring a gift... your good wishes are sufficient.

Q. I am a middle-aged widow marrying a widower. We will have a small informal church wedding inviting close friends and relatives. My etiquette book says that the invitation should be personal notes. I would like a sample wording of such a note from you. Also, we would like to include a “no gifts please” note. Would this be aсceptable?  P.R., Fort Worth, Texas.

A. Your invitation might read something like this: 

Dear Mary and Tom:

We're delighted to let you know that we'll be married October 12 at 11 a.m. at the First Methodist Church. It would help make our day if you could come to the ceremony, and to the wedding brunch at the Comstock Hotel. Please don't bring a gift... your good wishes are sufficient.

Pam and Joe

You will note that I recommend that the invitation be extended by both you and your fiancé. The traditional way is to have the woman. write, extend and accept all invitations. The start of a marriage is a good time to start eliminating this archaic custom.- By Maureen Eleva Reardon, 1974

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

“Duty Dancing” Dilemma

When the wife, hostess and dinner partner are three separate persons, it’s more complicated... sort of like choosing between three dentists. We’ll obviously have to rule out the hostess…

Q. At a large dinner party, who should the gentleman dance with first, second, third wife, hostess, dinner partner? - Mrs. L. G., Miami Beach, Fla.

A. Lucky the man whose wife is both dinner partner and hostess, for he doesn't have the problem of deciding which duty dance to dance first.

When the wife, hostess and dinner partner are three separate persons, it's more complicated... sort of like choosing between three dentists. We'll obviously have to rule out the hostess, since all the men in the room can't dance with her at once.

Presuming that the party you are talking about is a formal arrangement, then every wife would have a dinner partner to dance with her. Everybody could dance with their dinner partners. This circumvents the problem of men having to search out their wives. I assume that the room won't be full of touchy wives who feel neglected because they didn't get the first dance with their husbands. - By Maureen Eleva Reardon, 1974

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Some 1930’s Etiquette Advice

 

Dating service from 1936:  Girls, find out the aversions of your escort. Your chance of winning more than an escort may be increased.

For Women Only

Probably men are just as much annoyed at the actions of the women whom they are entertaining as are the women at the men. They, too, fear to find much fault.

• A man does not like the use of the lipstick in public- especially at the restaurant table.
• He does not like the girl to offer him food from her plate.
• He does not like her to take her own fork and help him to something from her plate. Maybe the morsel, to him, is the sweeter because of where it came from, but he does not like such demonstration in public.
• He resents her use of the comb at table.
• Perhaps he does not admire too much rouge.

 Girls, find out the aversions of your escort. Your chance of winning more than an escort may be increased.

Odoriferous Foods

I once heard a young man say, “I should care whether my girl friend likes onions or not. If I want to eat onions, I eat them. If she doesn't like it, she knows what she can do.”

Such a person is the personification of selfishness. The poor girl may be helpless. She has no other boyfriend a the present time, and is forced to go out with Jack, who chooses to eat onions that evening. No one wants to be accused of having halitosis. Eating onions is courting a form of halitosis which is really more objectionable than the unavoidable kind, because the implied discourtesy irritates.

It is discourteous to order at a restaurant any food which through its odor may disturb others at table. Such foods are strong cheese, onions, chives, garlic. - From “Manners for Millions,” by Sophie C. Hadida, 1936

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

For the Socially Scared Stiff

Helpful etiquette book suggestions for California college co-eds of 1936 -
Barker, Mary P.: “The Technique of Good Manners.” A guide to the “how and when” of efficient living. Gives common failings and suggestions for self improvement. Written especially for men. Barker, Mary P.: “Good Manners for Young Women.”  A similar guide for women, Post, Emily: “Etiquette.” The blue book of social usage.

For Scared Stiff Aggies… Etiquette Books Reviewed & Recommended in 1936

One goes to school not only to learn the three R's, but to prepare for contacts with one's fellowmen. In order that one may be an efficient social unit it is necessary to know the rules of etiquette, or good manners. Are you ever in doubt how to answer that certain invitation; how to sign your name to a letter? Are you one of those shy, self-conscious persons who are “scared stiff” every time you are introduced? Social life is a game with definite rules. Why not start now to learn the “do's”and the “don'ts”? 

The following books will help you:

Pierce, Beatrice: “It's More Fun When You Know the Rules.” Etiquette problems for girls. Very cleverly written. Simple explanations of correct etiquette for ordinary occasions of a girl's life. Partial contents: People judge you by your table manners; entertaining with the all-important problem of refreshments; looking your best; how well do you talk? when you go traveling; here comes the bridesmaid.

Eldridge, Elizabeth: “Co-ediquette.” Poise and popularity for every girl. Advice on clothes, rushing, dates, dances, football games, campus politics, conduct in dormitories, and many other phases of college life. Written in a lively, informal style. 

Hadida, Sophie C.: “Manners for Millions.” Correct code of pleasing habits for everyday men and women. See yourself in caricature.

Stevens, Wm. Oliver: “The Correct Thing.” A guidebook of etiquette for young men. Much good advice packed into a little book of 150 pages. Contains chapters on sports, making speeches, college fraternities and applying for work, in addition to the usual ones on table manners, letter writing, etc. 

Barker, Mary P.: “The Technique of Good Manners.” A guide to the “how and when” of efficient living. Gives common failings and suggestions for self improvement. Written especially for men. Barker, Mary P.: “Good Manners for Young Women.” 

A similar guide for women, Post, Emily: “Etiquette.” The blue book of social usage. -California Aggie, 1936 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Canine Etiquette

When talking canine etiquette, we’re not speaking of anything quite this formal!

In their relations with one another dogs have a keen sense of etiquette. A well known traveler makes this unexpected remark about a naked, native tribe of men living on one of the south sea islands: “In their everyday intercourse there is much that is stiff, formal and precise.” Almost the same remark might be made about dogs. Unless they are on very intimate terms they take great pains never to brush against or even to touch one another. 

For one dog to step over another is a dangerous breach of etiquette unless they are special friends. It is no uncommon thing for two dogs to belong to the same person and live in the same house and yet never take the slightest notice of each other. We have a spaniel so dignified that he will never permit another member of the dog family to pillow his head upon him; but, with the egotism of a true aristocrat, he does not hesitate to make use of the other dogs for that purpose.-Henry C. Merwin in The Atlantic, 1910

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Using Last Names

Why We Should Use Last Names in
Professional and Social Settings

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Over the past quarter-century, something fundamental has shifted in how Americans address one another. The decision to use last names has become increasingly rare, replaced by an immediate first-name basis that many find presumptuous. Walk into a doctor's office, meet a service provider, or introduce yourself to a colleague, and you'll likely hear your first name used within seconds of meeting. For many people raised with different standards of formality, this casual approach feels less like friendliness and more like a breach of etiquette.

Commander Adam Benson, a retired Naval officer, articulates what many feel but struggle to express: the erosion of formal address represents more than a simple change in linguistic habit. It reflects a broader shift in how we signal respect, maintain boundaries, and navigate social hierarchies in professional and casual settings alike.

The Social Function of Formal Address

The practice to use last names with honorifics serves several important social functions that immediate first-name basis interactions cannot replicate.

When you use last names, you create a respectful distance that allows relationships to develop naturally. Addressing someone as "Mr. Rodriguez," "Ms. Nelson," or "Dr. Chen" acknowledges that intimacy is earned rather than assumed. This distance isn't coldness; it's consideration. It recognizes that trust, familiarity, and affection grow over time through shared experiences and mutual regard.

To use last names also demonstrates basic respect for another person's station, accomplishments, and dignity. A judge who has spent decades serving the legal system, a professor who has earned advanced degrees, or simply an adult who deserves recognition as such — all merit the small courtesy of formal address until they invite otherwise.

Perhaps most importantly, the permission to use someone's first name becomes meaningful precisely because it isn't automatic. When we consistently use last names initially, the invitation to "Please, call me Jennifer" becomes a genuine gesture of warmth and welcome rather than a meaningless default.

When Society Stopped Using Last Names: A Generational Shift

Those who came of age in earlier decades learned a clear protocol: use last names and appropriate honorifics with adults and new acquaintances until invited to do otherwise. This wasn't stiffness or snobbery; it was simply how respect was demonstrated across generations and between people of different levels of familiarity.

Today's prevailing culture champions informality as a sign of openness and egalitarianism. The thinking goes that first names break down barriers, create friendly atmospheres, and prevent stuffy hierarchies from taking root. While genuine warmth certainly matters, informality imposed without choice isn't really egalitarian at all.

When the new contractor at your home launches immediately into calling you by your first name, or when a teenager addresses an adult they've just met as "Steve" rather than "Mr. Thompson," they may simply be oblivious to the preferences and comfort levels of others. The choice not to use last names becomes presumptuous when made unilaterally.

How to Use Last Names in Today's Informal Culture

How can those who prefer to use last names navigate today's first-name-default culture without seeming standoffish or outdated?

Commander Benson offers a practical example. While technically entitled to be addressed by his military rank, he accepts "Mr. Benson" as meeting the basic level of respect he seeks. This represents a reasonable compromise — maintaining formality without insisting on every ceremonial nicety.

When meeting new people, model the behavior you'd like to see. Introduce yourself with your full name and use last names for others until they indicate their preference. If someone immediately uses your first name, you might gently say, "I prefer Mr. Benson, at least until we know each other better." Most people, when clearly informed of a preference, will honor it.

In professional settings, defaulting to the practice to use last names remains especially appropriate. Business introductions, client relationships, and workplace hierarchies all benefit from the clarity and respect that formal address provides.

Teaching Children to Use Last Names

Another concern about immediate first-name usage involves children addressing adults. Unless an adult explicitly requests to be called by their first name, teaching children to use last names with appropriate titles instills several valuable lessons.

When children learn to use last names — "Mr. Lee," "Ms. Gupta," "Dr. Patterson" — they develop respect for elders, awareness that different contexts call for different behaviors, and understanding that not all relationships operate on the same level of familiarity. These aren't antiquated notions; they're building blocks of social intelligence that serve young people well throughout their lives.

Parents and educators who teach children to use last names when addressing adults give them a significant advantage in navigating formal settings, job interviews, academic environments, and professional relationships as they mature.

The Professional Advantage of Using Last Names

In business contexts, the decision to use last names can convey professionalism, respect, and appropriate boundaries. When meeting clients, potential employers, or senior colleagues for the first time, choosing to use last names demonstrates social awareness and respect for hierarchy and experience.

Many professionals find that when they use last names initially, they're taken more seriously and establish credibility more quickly. The transition to first names can then occur naturally as working relationships develop, making that shift meaningful rather than assumed.

Use Last Names to Preserve Choice and Respect

The practice to use last names need not represent stuffiness or social rigidity. At its best, formal address is a gift we give others: the acknowledgment that their comfort, dignity, and preferences matter. In a culture that increasingly defaults to immediate informality, maintaining the option to use last names preserves choice, respects boundaries, and allows the transition to first names to carry genuine meaning when it comes.

Whether you're navigating professional introductions, teaching children proper etiquette, or simply trying to show respect in daily interactions, the choice to use last names offers a time-tested tool for demonstrating consideration and building relationships on solid foundations of mutual respect.

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia