Lobster Eating Etiquette

“It's perfectly all right to be a slob when eating lobster,” said Letitia Baldrige, author of “Letitia Baldrige’s Complete Guide to Executive Manners” (Rawson Associates, 1985). In fact, being a slob is part of the point. Highly refined restaurants save diners from a messy sparring bout by serving lobster out of the shell. Yet the convenience is rarely more than a palliative to the primordial lobster-eating urge.

Eating lobster turns civilized 

The problem with lobster is rarely its flavor. Except for its spawning months (in the early summer), when its shell is soft and its flesh is weary, a properly cooked lobster is sweet and tender, rich and delicate, the apex of seafood, the apogee of elegance. The problem with lobster is eating it. It brings out the neanderthal in us all. Many have described the civilized approach to eating a lobster without making a mess. 

In “The New Etiquette” (St. Martin’s Press, 1987), Marjabelle Young Stewart provides five steps to the conquering and consuming of life’s sweetest meat: 

1. Twist off the claws. Crack each with a nutcracker. Use a pick or oyster fork to remove and eat the meat. 

2. Break the tail off the body. If the tail is split, break back the flaps with your hands and push in with a fork. 

3. Twist off the legs. Suck the meat out gently. 

4. Use a fork to get small, accessible pieces of meat in the body. 5. Use a fork to eat the tomalley (green matter) and roe (coral). 

Yet Stewart’s system leaves much to chance and therefore fails to civilize the confrontation between soft fingers and hard red shells. What do you do, for instance, if the lobster tail has not been split? The precise tug it takes to extract the meat from the shell is almost an instinct. It begins with separating the tail from the rest of the body. From fishing to cooking to eating, never face a lobster head on. Place the lobster tail toward you, grasp the back of the declawed body with one hand and the center of the tail with the other and administer a quick, selfassured twist-pull. The motion combines the wringing of wet wash with the sliding of a cork from a wine bottle. A grunt is optional. 

Next, use one hand to flatten the tail, red side up, thick end toward you. Use your other hand to insert a dinner fork, pointed down, between the top of the meat and the shell. Maintain a 60-degree fork angle and gently tug to loosen the meat. When the meat achieves the play of a loose tooth, the holding hand can lighten the pressure on the top of the shell and apply a slight squeeze to its sides. Close your eyes. Yank. The claws are another problem, one that cannot be addressed solely by a nutcracker. This tool is reliable against the lobster’s smaller “ripping claw.” But nutcrackers frequently give way before the lobster's larger “crusher claw” cracks. There are sturdier (and more expensive) lobster crackers available. 

There is also the advice of “The New Emily Post's Etiquette” (Funk & Wagnall’s 1975): “Lobster claws should be cracked in the kitchen before being served.” When following this dictum in the kitchen, wear an apron, invert a chef’s knife and use the back side of the blade to whack with abandon. Back at the table, to remove the claw meat, use an inverted cocktail or salad fork, held again at 60 degrees, and tug carefully with a table-ward motion. In dinner, as in life, the lobster's claws are its main weapon. Pull slowly to avoid a big squirt. 

Brave eaters move below the claws to face the challenge of the lobster knuckles. A downward angle of a lobster pick or fork is helpful. But the best advice is that lobster knuckles make a mean salad. Take them home and pick them in private. The body is another territory for the bold. Use a small fork to pick, pick, pick. The lobster's green tomalley is the traditional trophy here. But lobstermen increasingly advise against eating this liver. In rare moments, they talk about pollution, saying, "Lobsters are bottom feeders." In the end, there are all those little legs and only one way to eat them. Twist-pull them loose. 

“It's perfectly all right to be a slob when eating lobster,” said Letitia Baldrige, author of “Letitia Baldrige’s Complete Guide to Executive Manners” (Rawson Associates, 1985). In fact, being a slob is part of the point. Highly refined restaurants save diners from a messy sparring bout by serving lobster out of the shell. Yet the convenience is rarely more than a palliative to the primordial lobster-eating urge. Have you ever seen a four-star lobster diner look as satisfied as someone pushing away from a roadside table along the Maine coast? We want the sloppy crack-slush-mush of full lobster battle. That is the problem. We have tried to civilize it with table tools and table rules, but we cannot wait to put on our bibs. 

The battle is part of the pleasure. “Scary, scary,” whined a 5-year-old diner when viewing a 20 pound dinosaur of the deep that her family selected for dinner recently at the Old Homestead Restaurant in Manhattan. After wielding picks and crackers, a mallet and a fork, she was a convert. “Good, good,” she said. And all the better for the battle. — By Molly O'Neill, N.Y. Times News Service

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Eating Shrimp

“A jumbo is about four or five inches long and one could never be put whole into the mouth. Are these eaten in the fingers? The cocktail fork seems so tiny for such a big shrimp.”

A Question for Amy Vanderbilt 

Dear Miss Vanderbilt: In a library recently I read in your excellent etiquette book, “Unshelled shrimp should be conveyed whole to the mouth.” Are you speaking of a dish of shrimp for the person to shell themselves? I have never seen this and was wondering about the “sand vein.” You didn't mention it since cocktail shrimp are deveined in the kitchen, does one do this with the fingernail before eating the shrimp? One would need to wash one’s hands afterward! I saw literally tons of jumbo shrimp being deveined (not in a factory). A jumbo is about four or five inches long and one could never be put whole into the mouth. Are these eaten in the fingers? The cocktail fork seems so tiny for such a big shrimp. – Mrs. Fort Lauderdale, Florida

Dear Mrs. Fort Lauderdale –For aesthetic purposes the sand vein in shrimp should be removed. If the shrimp are eaten cooked, the vein is not removed. If you encounter it in a shrimp cocktail, you should realize that it is harmless. Don't attempt to remove it, certainly not with the fingernail. Cocktail shrimp are served in a variety of ways. They are offered with toothpicks; in which case you spear them. If they are very large, you bite off a manageable mouthful after having dipped me shrimp in the sauce. Then eat the rest of the shrimp. If you dip it again, you should be careful to turn it around so that the part you have bitten is not dipped into a communal sauce bowl. 

When shrimp cocktail is served with a cocktail fork, you use the fork even though it is tiny. You may either put the whole shrimp in your mouth, or take manageable bites. Sometimes shrimp cocktails or shrimps prepared in the Oriental fashion have the tail left on to be used as a handle. If you have an Oriental dish, you may use chopsticks if you are able to do so; in Louisiana and in various Italian dishes, shrimp is often served with the shell on. In this case, you remove the shell with your fingers but you don't bother to remove the vein. When a shrimp dish is served this way, of course, a finger bowl or folded wet towels (Oriental fashion) or scented paper towelettes are essential. –Amy Vanderbilt, 1963

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Faux Dining Signals

Playing with one’s utensils? That was never allowed and one presumably doing so at the Victorian or Gilded Age table would be reprimanded or shown their way to the door. Doing so now? Please don’t! —I’ve read and seen videos online with people whimsically suggesting it would be fun to bring back some of the 18th or 19th century “secret signals” used by people in love. Those signals for someone one fancied are sadly all fake, however. — “The fan language — and other, similar codes like the language of the handkerchief and the language of the parasol— were largely the result of advertising campaigns meant to popularize and sell accessories. There is little evidence that the fan language was ever in widespread use, though the concept was satirized by several writers in the 18th and 19th centuries. Besides being rather impractical, fan codes were a bit dangerous; an unconscious fidget or desire to actually fan herself could embroil a lady in a totally unintentional feud— or marriage. Not to mention the consequences if the matron acting as chaperone to a courting couple had, a few years earlier, employed the fan language to win her own husband!” -Esti Brennan, Clements Library Chronicles

Supposed Victorian Dining Table Signaling

Below: Each faux signal and what it supposedly meant.

• Drawing a napkin or handkerchief through the hand — I desire to converse by signal with you. 

• Holding napkin by the corners — Is it agreeable to you? 

• Playing with fork — I have something to tell you. 

• Holding up the knife and fork in each hand — When can I see you? 

• Laying both together left of the plate — After the meal. 

• Clenching right hand on table — To-night. 

• Napkin held with three fingers — Yes. 

• Napkin held with two fingers — No. 

• Holding napkin to chin with forefinger to mouth — Cease signaling. 

• Standing knife and fork thus leaning them in an inverted V  — Can I meet you?  

• Balancing fork on edge of cup — Are you engaged to-night?  

• Striking fork with knife — I shall go out. 

• Balancing fork on knife — Meet me. 

• Placing knife over the glass — Will you be alone? 

• Stirring spoon in cup slowly — Will you be late? 

• Slapping the ear, as if brushing away a fly — I don't understand.

More recent faux table signals above. — Only the “paused” and “finished” positions are proper signals, however they are for the wait staff, not someone you fancy. Those crossed out are not only made up, they are against good manners and should never be used. They make it difficult to remove the plate and utensils efficiently and without a lot of noise. Even the “excellent” signal shouldn’t be used, because one should personally give that message to the chef or cook and not supposedly leave it on a plate which will shortly be cleaned off in the kitchen. — By Site Editor, Maura J. Graber

 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Smartwatch Etiquette

One of the technological advances needing courteous attention is the smartwatch. A very helpful gadget that tracks your health and fitness goals and is also connected to your mobile phone so it helps you decide what incoming information you should attend to without pulling out your phone.

Checking Your Smartwatch 

During Mealtime

If you’ve read my blog articles or attended one of my classes, you’ve probably read or heard me say that technology is helpful, as long as it is used courteously.

One of the newest technological advances needing courteous attention is the smartwatch. A very helpful gadget that tracks your health and fitness goals and is also connected to your mobile phone so it helps you decide what incoming information you should attend to without pulling out your phone.

However, there is a downside to glancing at your smartwatch that is common to glancing at any watch: it relays the impression that you’re checking the time because you’d rather be doing something else. And depending on who you’re dining with, the degree of this downside could be pretty steep.

Avoiding Distractions

The point of sharing a meal with your family, friends, or someone special is to enjoy the food served while simultaneously enjoying the pleasure of good company and conversation. It stands to reason that electronic devices do not fit in this scenario.

Before smartwatches, you could keep your silenced phone off the table and put away to prevent distractions. But now, it’s instinctual and tempting to look at your wrist when you feel a buzz because you know something is happening. A text? A call? Social media or email announcement?

Who can resist glancing, especially if you’ve been recently engaged prior to whatever is happening in the present moment?

Essentially, smartwatch etiquette requires more vigilance than other mobile devices. Silencing or removing them altogether may be necessary, especially if you are attending an important lunch or dinner where other guests need your undivided attention.

Yielding to Temptation

Depending on the occasion and the people you are with, it’s acceptable to glance at your watch to check the time or see what’s streaming onto your wrist. As long as there is no individual or group face-to-face interaction going on at the time, glancing at your watch is helpful and requires less attention than having your cell phone out.

But keep in mind: just as you would never place your cell phone on the table (as third parties aren’t invited), don’t be fooled into thinking the interruption of smartwatches won’t be noticed by others. Even though table etiquette dictates the personal space of each diner, as I tell my students, “eyeballs don’t follow property right observances.”

So, you might think the occasional glance at your smartwatch isn’t noticed, but it is! Especially if you glance frequently at it. That someone will conclude you aren’t interested in what’s going on at the table will eventually happen.

Noticing Others

What should you do when you notice someone glancing at their phone often at dinner? What are your boundaries of propriety and politeness?

At work or in business: 

• If it’s a co-worker, that person may count on you to have his or her back. “John, as a heads up, I noticed the boss was looking your way a lot a lunch today—and it happened that every time you were glancing at your smartwatch.”
• Try to step aside from judging others as they might be a new owner of a smartwatch and might still be adjusting to their own distractions.
• Customers are observant and in business you would never want another person to think that your smartwatch is more important than interactions with him. It takes only one mistake to lose a customer.

At home: 

• As a parent of the lucky youngster who has a smartwatch, your responsibility is to set clear boundaries about paying proper attention to others at the table. 
• After-dinner discussions of what you observed will help your child become more mindful of the distraction. Stress that you are counting on her to manage her behavior and leave good impressions with others.
• Be a role model. Train yourself not to glance at your own smart watch.
• Spouses and partners should help each other by giving feedback on what is observed. It’s helpful to ask for a time to share feedback and how you felt when the person kept glancing at her phone.

You never want to convey the message that another person is boring. The best thing you can always do when sharing a meal is to give your undivided attention to the humans at the table rather than the electronic device on your wrist or in your pocket.

“The hours of folly are measured by the clock; but of wisdom, no clock can measure.”~ William Blake 

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

1970’s Etiquette Called Into Question

In the book the girls were taught how to use the “rest position” and “finished position.” Those, in case you're baffled, are arrangements of silverware. In “rest position,” the fork prongs are curved down over the knife. This supposedly indicates you're still eating. The "finished position" is a side-by-side arrangement of knife and fork, with the fork prongs down. This tells the waiter you're done. I called two upperclass bastions in my community, the yacht club and athletic club, to see if the “rest position” and “finished position” are used there. The woman in charge at the yacht club said she'd never heard of such a thing in her 15 years at the club. The man in charge of the waiters at the athletic club said he was aware of the positions because they're used in England where he was born. He said native-born Americans don't use them. — This is odd indeed! Etiquipedia is baffled by this response from both clubs. “Rest” and “Finished” positions have been used in the United States since the mid 1800’s. Nearly any etiquette book will instruct a person in how to lay one’s utensils properly to signal one is either pausing their dining or are finished.

According to columnist,

“Girls etiquette class isn't too practical.”

You can get about anything you want these days in a department store, including etiquette. Mom can spend a pleasant hour in notions and Dad can price fertilizer while daughter or son is picking up the proprieties. 

The archtypical kids' etiquette course is " White Gloves and Party Manners," a creation of Marjabelle Young, who for 15 years ran an etiquette school in Washington, D.C. Graduates of the course include the Eisenhower and Nixon children. “White Gloves” is taught in six hour-long segments to girls five through twelve. I sat in on a class for five through eight year olds at a local department store. The girls were reviewing their curtsy and pivot and were having trouble making their squiggly feet obey. 

“The reason I'm teaching you this is for poise and confidence,” said the teacher. The teacher was having a little problem with restlessness during the class. “I want you to sit very still. I want you all to sit like young ladies like I taught you.” A little girl in a proper party dress and a non-regulation arm cast smiled ... and wiggled some more. Each girl taking the course received a pair of white gloves, a workbook, and a copy of the book “White Gloves and Party Manners,” written by Ms. Young and Ann Buchwald. 

Some of the things in the workbook were quite bazarre. One page had a space for listing of phone numbers. Here's part of the list: My Music Teacher, My Art Teacher, My Ballet Teacher, Riding Stable Number, Club, My Veterinarian, Best Party Dress Shop, My Printer (Reordering my informals), My Cleaners, Bakery (Birthday Cakes), Family Photographer. It’s enough to give a girl who's poor lots of complexes. 

A family tree, to be filled in by the girls, occupied a whole page. “What if you have to put a horse thief at the top?” I asked the teacher. She said most girls couldn't go back as far as their grandparents, anyway. Girls were advised to rub a mixture of lemon juice and sugar into their hands. I called a dermatologist, who suggested that the girls might be better off if they drank the lemonade. 

The book is a conversation piece, too. The girls are advised how to use a finger-bowl. So they probably won't have the experience of Esther Greenwood in Sylvia Plath's “The Bell Jar,” who thought the water in the first finger-bowl she encountered was a Japanese soup. She drank it. Of course, finger-bowls appear more often in fiction than in real life. 

In the book the girls were taught how to use the “rest position” and “finished position.” Those, in case you're baffled, are arrangements of silverware. In “rest position,” the fork prongs are curved down over the knife. This supposedly indicates you're still eating. The "finished position" is a side-by-side arrangement of knife and fork, with the fork prongs down. This tells the waiter you're done.

I called two upperclass bastions in my community, the yacht club and athletic club, to see if the “rest position” and “finished position” are used there. The woman in charge at the yacht club said she'd never heard of such a thing in her 15 years at the club. The man in charge of the waiters at the athletic club said he was aware of the positions because they're used in England where he was born. He said native-born Americans don't use them. 

I have mixed emotions about "White Gloves."- An etiquette course is a valid way to supplement what is taught at home. And much of the material in the "White Gloves" book is good, like that on friendship. But so much of the material is dated that the course could turn a little girl into a living antique. Her peers might laugh.— Maureen Elena Reardon , 1974

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Bridal Etiquette and Carloyn Bessette Kennedy

The most frequently asked fashion queries concern the propriety of attire. Take the etiquette of wearing gloves. Thanks to Carolyn Bessette Kennedy, they've made a comeback. 

Wedding etiquette that is as layered as the cake according to 

TOWN & COUNTRY 

Magazine 

Wedding etiquette can be more layered than a wedding cake. Whether you're in Singapore or Sausalito, questions about attire and guest lists, wrote Sarah Midori Zimmerman in an article in the current issue of Town & Country, seem to be as integral a part of getting married as saying “I do.”

The most frequently asked fashion queries concern the propriety of attire. Take the etiquette of wearing gloves. Thanks to Carolyn Bessette Kennedy, they’ve made a comeback. If you choose to wear them, keep in mind that long gloves may be difficult to wriggle out of during the ceremony. You have several options, though: practice taking them off until you've made removing them look effortless.

Remove the left glove and hand it to your maid of honor once you reach the alter, put it back on after you and your groom have exchanged rings, or make a slit along the under seam of the left gloves ring finger so that it can be folded back to allow the groom to slip on the wedding band. While experts disagree on whether you should wear your gloves in the receiving line, it’s imperative that you remove them anytime you're eating or drinking. 

When it comes to hemlines, the rules have been relaxed considerably. Don't worry, for example, whether the hemlines of your mother and your fiancée’s mother's dresses match. The whole idea of matching anything seems to have gone the way of bended-knee proposals. 

Concerns about guest lists seem to keep brides sleepless the most. Try to stick to your original list. You needn't feel compelled to invite relatives who aren't immediate family, especially if you don't see them often and prefer to keep the wedding small. And remember, it's never wise to invite more people than you can comfortably accommodate. Invitations should be mailed about eight weeks prior to the wedding. — For AP Special Features, 1998

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Scottish University Men

A young man in his “strawbasher” (or straw boater hat), with his sweetheart at university. — “On Sept. 15, be the weather ever so bleak, the streets are full of what the small boy knows as ‘strawbashers.’”

Scottish Students’ Dress

The Scottish university student has a code of etiquette in clothes as strict as that of Eton or of Harrow. And into it the straw hat enters. On Sept. 15, be the weather ever so bleak, the streets are full of what the small boy knows as “strawbashers.” 

On the 16th you will find never a one — on a student’s head, that is. As for the medical student, he seldom wears a straw hat at all, or anything in its place. It is his pride to go bareheaded, as it Is to wear a fancy waistcoat and turned up trouser ends. The arts and divinity men sedately avoid these last three fashions.—London Chronicle, 1910

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

How to Handle a Date with a Lush

When your date overdoes it on his alcohol consumption, to the point that you are steaming and seething at the table, you still have an obligation to be polite and mind your table manners while in public. (Take those elbows off the table) You are not required, however, to be a doormat or put your life in peril by accepting a ride home with him driving!

An Etiquipedia Q & A

As the Etiquipedia Site Editor I get many questions from readers. Here is a recent question from one disappointed young woman:

Q. I hope you have etiquette advice that can help me. I’m a fairly successful young woman. I pride myself on my figure and have worked hard to be a nicely dressed and pleasant date. I have had a few long term relationships, but have not found anyone yet I would like to really form a stronger and longer bond with until recently. A guy I know from my job (not a co-worker) asked me out to a very nice restaurant that I have long wanted to eat at. The date was really great until he started drinking before our dinner arrived. He must’ve had 3 or 4 drinks while I was still sipping my one glass of wine. I was trying to be a pleasant date despite his boozing throughout the meal, but I became embarrassed by his behavior and without him realizing it, called for an Uber to take me home. Did I handle this properly? My friends all tell me I over reacted and was rude. Was I? What should I do if this happens again?

A. Sadly, I understand and can empathize with your predicament, as I found myself on a few similar dates many years ago when I was single. Did you overreact? No. Especially if your date was very noticeably drunk. He was out on a date with his drink of choice, not with you. If he offers an apology, it’s your obligation to accept the apology politely, but think twice before accepting a second date. 

Now, regarding your Cinderella vanishing act… Were you rude? Yes. You get points for trying to make the most of a crummy situation, but to not in some way let your date know that you were seeking alternate transportation home was a faux pas. Whether or not he would have remembered you told him is immaterial. But, it was a social obligation on your part only to notify him. It was not, however, an obligation to ride home in a car being driven by someone drunk. 

If there is ever a next time, perhaps you can tip a restaurant employee on your way out, and ask him or her to inform your date of your sudden exit. It is the polite thing to do and your behavior cannot then be called into question.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia