Gilded Age and “Good Form”

Depiction of a Gilded Age Dinner Party 

Good Form: How it Differs 

from That of the Past 

in Various Important Respects

In a little book entitled “Good Form,” the etiquette of some few years ago is amusingly contrasted with that of today, when every thing is more succinct and expeditious than it used to be. When the ladies of John Leech’s time went to dinner parties they were shown into bedrooms and allowed some minutes to adjust their ringlets. Now they hand their cloak to a servant, and walk straight from their carriage or cab to the presence of their hostess.

At weddings in “the Forties” each bridesmaid had a groomsman to look after her and see that she had what she liked at the elaborate breakfasts of the matrimonial function of that day. Now there is only a “best man,” though how he comes by the superlative adjective when he is sole groomsman it is difficult to say. Among other changes of custom is that concerned with the bridesmaids’ dresses, which used to be given by the bride, And our authoress might have added that it is no dry-eyed. Crying has “gone out.” It was the very height of the fashion in the year 1827.

When Sir Edward Bulwer-Lytton married Miss Rosina Wheeler, an eye witness of the ceremony describes both bride and bridegroom as being overcome with “sensibility,” pale, tottering and tearful. No one totters to the altar now. It would not be “good form.” But the bride must not, on the other hand, romp up the aisle in the exultation of her heart. The correct pace perhaps, is best described as resembling that of a policeman on his beat. It is slow and stately.

Another marked change in social customs is mentioned in connection with the etiquette of “small and early” parties. No longer does a hostess ask her guests to sing or play. This ordeal, so dreaded by the girl of a couple of decades ago, is no longer to be feared. “I hope you have brought some music, Miss Smith,” was frequently the prelude to a distracting performance that gave pleasure to no one, least of all to the player. And, strange to say, now that music is always professional, and generally worth listening to, it is difficult to persuade people to remain silent while it is going on; whereas when amateurs were singing it would have been considered a shocking piece of rudeness for any one to have talked till the lady had finished describing how she wore a wreath of roses, or the gentleman had finished dilating upon his homeless, ragged and tanned condition.

At the dinner table it was considered the duty of the host and bostess to urge their guests to eat. This custom in our own day is entirely abandoned, partly owing to the now universal style of having all dishes handed round. The board no longer groans as once it did, the weight of the viands being transferred to that chapel of ease, the sideboard, where, in seclusion, a hireling carves the joint and skillfully dissects the bird whose anatomy used to prove such an intricate problem to the bothered amateur at the end of the table. Skill in carving is not now one of the polite accomplishments wherewith it is necessary to equip a youth for his social career. Till now, etiquette books have been only unintentionally amusing, but the present writer treats her subject with a sense of humor that makes it easy reading.—London Daily News, 1889

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

History, Food and Etiquette of Macau

My sister and I embarked on a ferry journey from Hong Kong to Macau, where upon submission of our passports, we were issued a paper insert akin to a train ticket before boarding. Upon arrival at the Macau ferry terminal, we effortlessly wheeled our suitcases to the complimentary bus services that transported us to our hotel-cum-casino. 

The luxurious accommodations and impeccable service at the hotel pleasantly surprised us, showcasing the advantages of staying in casino-affiliated establishments. After settling into our rooms, we donned our comfortable walking shoes and ventured down the main street to admire the charming Portuguese-inspired architecture that graced the cityscape.

Macau's story begins before explorers investigated new lands for trade, and colonisation. It belonged to the vast Ming Dynasty. It was in the mid-16th century. Portuguese traders arrived using it as a trading post in 1557, looking for new wares to take back to Europe and expand their empire.

An agreement allowed the Portuguese to settle on the Macau peninsula in exchange for rent and adherence to Chinese laws until 1887. This agreement laid the foundation for the world's first and longest-lasting European settlement in China until its handover in 1999. Today, it is a significant resort city and a top destination for gambling tourism and is more critical than Las Vegas.

The first known written record of the name "Macau", rendered as "A Ma Gang", is found in a historical material from 1555. It is a particular administrative region of the People's Republic of China.

Over the next 400 years, Macau flourished as a trade hub. European and Chinese cultures intermingled, creating a unique blend evident in its architecture, cuisine, and traditions. Now that it has become a major destination for economic thrill seekers, a new influence of Western luxury clientele etiquette has made its mark. What does this mean for locals and short- and long-haul travellers?

Etiquette plays a vital role across various facets of life in Macau, from business, dining, hospitality, and tourism. Visitors to Macau are encouraged to familiarise themselves with these etiquettes to ensure an enjoyable experience in Macau’s multicultural environment.

Respect for Elders: Confucian values heavily influence Macau's society, emphasising respect for elders. It's customary to address elders with deference and to offer them precedence in social situations.

Greetings: Traditional Chinese greetings involve a slight bow or nod of the head, often accompanied by a handshake. Addressing someone with their title or honorific, followed by their surname, is considered polite.

Gift Giving: Presenting gifts is a common practice in Macau, especially during festivals or social gatherings. Gifts are typically exchanged with both hands as a sign of respect. Avoid giving items in sets of four, as the number is associated with death in Chinese culture.

Language and Communication: While Portuguese is one of Macau's official languages, Cantonese and Mandarin Chinese are predominantly spoken. Learning a few basic phrases in either language can go a long way in showing respect and getting around faster.

Dress Code: Macau's dress code is generally conservative, particularly in formal settings and religious sites. Modest attire is expected, with women often opting for dresses or blouses and skirts, while men typically wear suits or dress shirts and trousers.

Tipping – You will find that restaurants will include a 10% service charge in the bill, while hotels may even levy a higher 15% charge. While tipping is not actively discouraged and won't be refused if offered.

Dining etiquette is particularly significant in Macau's rich culinary culture. A study by Jong-Hyeong Kim et al. (2023) emphasises the importance of understanding cultural factors such as customs, beliefs, and social norms that shape unique tourist dining experiences. These cultural intricacies contribute to the overall uniqueness of Macau's gastronomy scene, highlighting the need for tourists to be mindful of local dining customs to enhance their experiences.

One of these tips when ordering and earing Macanese food, you will need either implements which are chopsticks or a spoon and fork. Here is a list of mouthwatering gastronomic foods that you will find there:
• Porco Bafassa – Slow cooked stew with turmeric, pork and potatoes.
• Capela – minced meat with potatoes, chirozo, bacon, olives and tomatoes.
• Portuguese Chicken – Slow cooked with chicken, curry and potatoes, alternative toppings are eggs, sausage and olives, turmeric and coconut milk.
• Tacho – Casserole with cabbage mixed with pork skin, pork knuckles, chicken wings, roasted pork and Chinese sausages.
• Minchi - Minced beef or pork which could be served together with diced potatoes.
• Pork with Balichao and Tamarind – Casserole with cabbage, sausage, red beans, black beans, pig ear and pig knuckle.

Interestingly, Macau’s etiquette has been shaped by the many Westernised hotels and casinos that have slowly filtered through from places such as America and Australia. These hotels extend to conditional hospitality, as described by Luofu Ye (2018) and as noted by Yi-weiChang and M. Polonsky (2012); their study indicated the importance of polite and respectful interactions in maintaining a high standard of hospitality. Furthermore, the role of etiquette in shaping tourist behaviour and enhancing their experiences is critical in the multicultural context of Macau. You will find those in customer service in these hotels from China, Pakistan, Bangladesh, India and the Philippines.

You don’t need to be in Macau long to experience its fantastic history and note the difference in Asia. My sister and I loved being there; the cultural mix was unique. Macau is recommended for a one- to two-day stay that is easily accessible via Hong Kong.

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi.

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Fashions in Sleeves

“… the sleeves show a decided tendency to “grow bigger downward,” like Holmes’ strawberries.” 

The Newest Sleeves

The shoulder seams are longer, giving the sloping effect to the shoulders which is a distinctive characteristic of the Victorian style, and the sleeves show a decided tendency to “grow bigger downward,” like Holmes’ strawberries. The New York Times, which illustrates some of the newer sleeves, says: 

“The small puff or the epaulet of ruffles or loosely looped bows which ornament the spring gowns is only the last reluctant compromise on the part of fashion to the woman to whom the radical tendency in sleeves seems to leave them almost embarrassingly bare.” -Ruth Ashmore in Ladies' Home Journal, 1897

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and “Being Agreeable”

Miss Una Ware looks agreeable, but Mrs. Gorham Ware does not look agreeable when meeting Mr. Bessemer Steele

Why should we know the laws of etiquette? Why should we know the way to do and say things? Why should we be agreeable? These are questions that will undoubtedly arise in the mind of the young man or woman who is eager to cultivate and refine his or her manner and speech. The answer is: to make one's own life happier – to bring into it a new sunshine, a new joy of living that was not even dreamed of when the mind and spirit were shrouded in the gloom of discourtesy, coarseness and vulgarity.

For how can the boor be happy? With his gloomy face, sour disposition,complaining habits and inherent lack of good taste and culture, he sees only theshadows of life. People are repulsed by him, never attracted. Brilliant men and women, people of refinement and taste, will have nothing to do with him. He lives his own life – his ill-bred, complaining, gloomy, companionless life – an outcast from that better society of which we all long to be a part.

Culture and cheer go hand-in-hand. The cultured man or woman is alwayscheerful, always finding something good and beautiful in all mankind and nature. Cheerfulness itself means poise -a wholesome, happy, undaunted poise that makes life well-balanced and worth the living. The person of low, vulgar tastes and desires is seldom contented, seldom happy. He finds everywhere evil, ugliness, selfishness, and a tendency for the world generally to degrade itself to the lower levels of coarseness. He finds it because he looks for it. And he looks for it because it already exists in his mind.

And yet, he may be educated; he may be a recognized power in the financial world; he may even possess enviable talents. But if he lacks that glorious open-hearted generosity, that sincere sympathy and simple understanding with all mankind, that helpful, healthful, ever-inspiring agreeableness of mind and spirit – the world will have none of him.

The man who feels constantly grieved and injured at some injustice, real or imaginary, is sacrificing some of the best things life has to offer. He does not know what it means to be greeted with a smile of pleasure and a warm handclasp. He does not know what it means to be taken whole-heartedly into one's confidence, to be relied upon, to be appealed to. He does not know what it means, in his hours of darkest adversity, to receive the genuine sympathy and encouragement of a friend.

But with culture, with development of mind and spirit, with the desire to adhere truly to society’s laws and regard as inviolable the rights of others, there comes a new understanding of human relationship. Where once everything seemed narrow and selfish, one now sees love and beauty and helpfulness. Instead of harsh words and unkind glances, there are words of cheer and encouragement, smiles of friendliness and understanding. The world that once seemed coarse, shallow and unpolished, seems now strangely cordial and polite. – Lillian Eichler, 1921

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Etiquette for Everyday

When a lady is out with a gentleman, either walking or driving, it is her privilege to suggest the time to return.

A lady should thank a gentleman for any courtesy shown her, no matter how slight it may be.

If the only guest at the family dinner table is a gentleman, he should not be served until all the ladies of the family have been attended to.

Writing on the first, then on the third, then crosswise on the second and fourth pages of a letter facilities the reading and is in perfectly good form.

When a lady is out with a gentleman, either walking or driving, it is her privilege to suggest the time to return.

When a lady is walking with two gentlemen, she may with propriety have one on either side of her.

When entertaining a friend, it is quite proper to ask all the members of one's social world to call upon her.

When someone expresses pleasure at meeting you, a smile and a bow are sufficient acknowledgment.– Ruth Ashmore in Ladies' Home Journal, 1897

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Knowledge is Key for Girls

The well-bred girl waits for her escort to open the car door. If she bounces out by herself, she makes it appear to the man's embarrassment that he doesn't know his etiquette. 

Men Like Girls Who Know Their Etiquette

Knowing what's expected of her and of her escort in public certainly gives a girl enviable poise. The well-bred girl waits for her escort to open the car door. If she bounces out by herself, she makes it appear to the man's embarrassment that he doesn't know his etiquette. 

The girl of poise knows, too, that a man is expected to rise when she enters a room. She seats herself quickly to spare him the discomfort of standing long. In a restaurant she indicates her wishes to her escort does not address the waiter directly. 

She knows the proper form for introductions, what to say when the dance is over, how to conduct herself at the table. Learn the code of social usage! – Home Service, Santa Ana Journal, 1936

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette at the Library in 1949

Conservative to a degree, Emily Post has been in-part replaced, or at least modernized, by newer authorities such as Margery Wilson whose “The New Etiquette” is called the modern code of social behavior. She covers all the usual items plus servants, entertaining– how to eat and how to serve wines, traveling and tips— always a troublesome point, and even a bit on children’s etiquette. 

A new book on showers reminds me of the frequent occasions when one or another of you come in to consult an etiquette book. The shower isn't the kind that makes your garden grow, but the kind you give the bride-to-be, or the mother-in-waiting. The book is

“Shower Parties for All Occasions” by Helen Webster, and there are showers for engagement, anniversary, birthday, baby, or going-away. The parties are described complete with decorations, games, menus and appropriate presents. It's really not such a chore to give a shower with this book at hand.

Speaking of etiquette, there are many times when you may wish to check up on the correct way to accept a formal wedding invitation, or the proper form of address for a widow. Perhaps you have to co-hostess a tea or be in the receiving line at a big function. These are details which few of us keep in mind all the time, but want to be sure of at the appropriate moment.

Emily Post we have had with us ever since 1922 when she published her first “Etiquette.” She believes that “good manners are less a matter of rules than a sensitive awareness of the needs of others.”

Conservative to a degree, Mrs. Post has been in-part replaced, or at least modernized, by newer authorities such as Margery Wilson whose “The New Etiquette” is called the modern code of social behavior. She covers all the usual items plus servants, entertaining– how to eat and how to serve wines, traveling and tips— always a troublesome point, and even a bit on children's etiquette. 

There are also chapters on official etiquette (when next you are called to Washington), business and club etiquette and necessary observances in sports such as golf and tennis. Her point of view is casual and relaxed in the modern manner.

For special problems we have "Vogue's Book of Brides" which carries the engaged girl right up to the altar with all details of dress, presents, photographs and decorations.

The young of the species sometimes amaze us with their consistent disregard of what we consider rudimentary good manners. If you have such problems, I recommend Stevens’ “The Correct Thing,” a guide book of etiquette for young men, and “Behave Yourself!” etiquette for American youth by Betty Allen and Mitchell Briggs. – By Elaine Howe for Washington Township Newsletter, 1949

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Pushy Teenaged Girls

By the 1950’s, the novel automobiles and telephones from a short 70 years earlier had entered everyone’s homes and garages. At about that same time, the chaperones of young women had long exited the scene in most of the United States. It became more and more common for assertive young women to call young men on the phone and they began reversing the traditional, acceptable roles and doing the pursuing. But at what point did teenaged girls make the leap from being assertive and outgoing socially,  to being aggressive and rude? It was a quick evolution from women entering the work force en masse, to take traditionally male jobs in WWII, to the slow simmering of the roots of the Women’s Liberation Movement. Below is a prime example of what one modern teenaged girl had become by the end of the 1950’s.

DEAR DOROTHY DIX: Was I born 30 years too soon? Our 18-year-old son has been going steady with a 17-year-old girl for the past year. The young lady in question comes to our home looking for him when he's not at her house, she calls him to take her to school or on other errands, and even asked to accompany us on our vacation this summer. Her mother seems to encourage her aggressive attitude. I wonder whether common courtesy has died? I've always enjoyed having our children's friends in our home but this young lady seems to be a problem. – Worried Mother 

DEAR MOM: You've undoubtedly been told a hundred times that "times have changed since you were young," "things aren't done like that any more," etc... We'll all agree that times have changed but the qualities underlying common courtesy and graciousness have not changed. Your son's girl friend is a brash young thing, who has never been taught mannerliness and will never develop into a gracious and charming woman. 

She has the instinct of a savage she must get her man at any price and hold him against all comers. The best protection you can give your son against this predatory female is to show him, by example, that this is not the way girls behave. Your daughters can help. Maybe the girl will absorb some of your charm; she certainly isn't learning any from her own mother. And for your comfort, may I offer the suggestion that most teen-age romances are passing fancies. – Dorothy Dix, 1958

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia