Glove Etiquette for All Occasions

Seldom do people wish to hear about the etiquette of wearing gloves except during the high season of charity balls, gala events, weddings, proms and formal dinners.

Dear Miss Etiquette: Can you please give us advice about the etiquette for over-the-elbow kid gloves worn at very formal events, such as cocktail parties, dinners, charity galas, debutantes balls and weddings, including gloves for the bride and bridesmaids? 

How about the etiquette for the right and graceful ways of donning and undonning these kid gloves? How do they go with bracelets and jewelry? Are they worn over the glove although they are difficult to undo? When shaking hands and when in the introduction line, should we be gloved? And what about a hand kiss while we have our white gloves on? The rules found with regard to the above, are often different. The formal etiquette seems to require staying gloved except while eating and for the ring ceremony. Signed, Concerned

Dear Concerned: Seldom do people wish to hear about the etiquette of wearing gloves except during the high season of charity balls, gala events, weddings, proms and formal dinners. 

With respect to kid gloves, may I say kid gloves are made from the leather of young goats? Gloves and shoes made of kid skin are soft and smooth and require a great deal of care, as it is delicate leather. The term handle with kid gloves means to treat with care and tact. Men, as well as women, may wear kid gloves. 

Let me tell the gentlemen something. If you are wearing an outdoor glove, always remove the glove on your right hand before you shake hands. However, if you are an usher at a wedding or at a formal ball, you leave on gloves intended to be worn indoors. 

If you are walking down the street and it is impossible for you to remove your right glove, you are to use the expression “Please excuse my glove.” 

A lady never takes off her gloves to shake hands. There are only two countries that abide by that rule: the United States of America and England. 

If a lady is wearing gardening gloves and the gloves are muddy and wet, she simply says she is sorry she cannot shake hands. 

Gloves worn over the elbow at very formal events usually have buttons at the wrist and are called 18-button gloves. 

Etiquette dictates you walk out of your home wearing your gloves. As gloves are considered under garments, no one is supposed to see you putting them on. 

Young ladies wear gloves on their wedding day. There are gloves made especially for weddings in that the ring finger on the left-hand glove is especially constructed for the wedding ring placement. With regard to the bride, the mothers, the bridesmaids and the matron of honor, gloves remain on the hand in the receiving line and are removed before dinner. 

When a young lady attends a cocktail party, she leaves her gloves on until the first sign of food. Once the hors d’oeuvres are presented, gloves are removed and either placed in the handbag or placed in the inside suit pocket of the young lady's escort. The young lady excuses herself and finds the powder room to remove the gloves. If that is inconvenient, she should remove her gloves with very little fanfare, quietly and out of sight. 

Remember, one does not eat with gloves on. Common sense dictates you do not wear jewelry on top of gloves. Rings and bracelets are worn under gloves. But there is an exception. It is the evening bracelet made of platinum and diamonds, an original piece of art created especially for formal events and worn over a gloved hand. 

No single young lady accepts a hand kiss from a gentleman and no gentleman is ever so forward as to expect a young lady who is single to accept his hand kiss; how rude. 

Tend to your gloves when you put them away so they are fresh for your next outing. — By Anita Shower in the Times-Press-Recorder, 2002

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura, J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age “Polite Life”

The newness of our country is perpetually renewed by the sudden making of fortunes, and by the absence of a hereditary, reigning set. There is no aristocracy here which has the right and title to set the fashion. — Writer, Georgene Corry Benham, author of  “Polite Life and Etiquette or What is Right and the Social Arts”

THERE is no country where there are so many people asking what is “proper to do,” or, indeed, where there are so many genuinely anxious to do the proper thing, as in the vast conglomerate which we call The United States of America. The newness of our country is perpetually renewed by the sudden making of fortunes, and by the absence of a hereditary, reigning set. There is no aristocracy here which has the right and title to set the fashion.

We contend that it is in no way derogatory to a new country like our own, if on some minor points of etiquette we presume to differ from older countries. We find it necessary to fit our garments to the climate, our manners to our fortunes and our habits and customs to the demands of the age in which we live. 

We have, however, many faults and inelegancies of which foreigners justly accuse us, which we can easily correct by a little careful study of this book, which is given to the people after much thought based on common sense and every-day life.— From “Polite Life and Etiquette or What is Right and the Social Arts,” by Georgene Corry Benham, 1891

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Armenian Etiquette and Coffee Culture

The hostess brews coffee in a special vessel called a srjep or jazzve, using one spoonful of ground coffee per cup of water. Coffee is brewed over low to medium heat to create a rich flavor and a special crema, then divided among the cups. Sometimes cardamom is added to coffee, imparting a distinctive aromatic note. 

Armenian Coffee…

Etiquette and Traditions

Coffee culture plays a significant role in Armenians' daily routine. At the start of your day, your break from work, meeting guests, and enjoying a family dinner, these are all traditionally accompanied by coffee. An Armenian may drink 3, 5, or 7 cups of coffee per day.

If unexpected guests arrive, they are always invited into the house and offered coffee. This is an essential gesture of hospitality. Refusing coffee is considered impolite. Coffee in Armenia is called “surch.” Guests may be asked whether they want unsweetened, sweet, or very sweet coffee. Sugar is traditionally added during brewing.

The hostess brews coffee in a special vessel called a srjep or jazzve, using one spoonful of ground coffee per cup of water. Coffee is brewed over low to medium heat to create a rich flavor and a special crema, then divided among the cups. Sometimes cardamom is added to coffee, imparting a distinctive aromatic note.

Coffee is served first to the guest, as he is considered “sent by God.” If coffee is served within a family circle, a gesture of respect is directed toward the eldest member of the family—he is served first.

Coffee is served in small cups to each guest. Unlike the Italian tradition of drinking coffee in two sips at the bar, in Armenia coffee is sipped slowly, savoring each sip. It's a special ritual, with no room for rush or fuss. Conversation over a cup of aromatic coffee is part of the culture. Coffee is never served on an empty table. Traditional treats are always served: gata, dried fruits and nuts, or other homemade pastries.

Next comes a cultural peculiarity. After the coffee is finished and only a small amount of water remains, a saucer is placed on the cup and turned upside down. This leaves patterns on the bottom and sides of the cup, which are traditionally read as a fortune. This sweet tradition remains popular today.

When visiting an Armenian home, don't refuse a cup of coffee, which the hostess will prepare for you with love and care. Experience Armenian hospitality. Refusing and rushing in is disrespectful.

Business negotiations, friendly and family gatherings are held over coffee. This is a wonderful tradition that is preserved in Armenian society and brings people together.

 

Contributor Alisa Kazka is an etiquette authority in Ukraine. Alisa is the founder of the “Way of Living: Etiquette School.” She is an etiquette enthusiast and her expertise as a table stylist may be known to followers of our table setting competition. Engaged in the business of etiquette for more than 5 years now, she teaches adults and children good manners, how to become confident and to be internally free in various life situations, stressing the importance of mutual respect and getting to know other cultures. One of her favorite subjects is the topic of hospitality… high service, dining etiquette and gastronomy. You cab follow Alisa on Instagram: @alisa_kazka or her school, @way.of.living_etiquette

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Necessary Introductions

If a gentleman asks to be presented to a lady, she should signify her assent in a pleasant way, and pay her hostess, through whom the request comes, the compliment of at least seeming to be gratified at the introduction. Our American ladies are sometimes a little lacking in cordiality of manner, often receiving a new acquaintance with that part of their conformation which is known as the “cold shoulder.” A brusque discourtesy is bad, a very effusive courtesy and a too low bow are worse. The proper salutation lies just between the two extremes.

NECESSITY OF INTRODUCING

A WOMAN in her own home can, in America, do pretty much as she pleases, but there is at least one exception - she must not introduce two ladies who reside in the same town. This is many times an awkward and embarrassing restriction, particularly as the other - the Englislı rule - renders it easy enough, that the “roof is an introduction” and that visitors can converse without further notice.

So awkward, however, are Americans about this, that even in very good houses one lady has spoken to another, possibly to a young girl, and has received no reply “because she had not been introduced,” but this mistaken idea is, fortunately, not very common.

Let every lady remember, whether she is from the country or from the most fashionable city house, that no such casual conversation can hurt her. It does not involve a further acquaintance of these two persons: They may cease to know each other when they leave the house; and it would be kinder if they would both relieve the hostess of their joint entertainment by joining in the conversation.

No one of heart or mind need feel afraid to talk and be agreeable, whether introduced or not, at a friend's house; even if she meets with the rebuff of a deaf-and-dumb neighbor, she need not feel heart broken: she is right, and her stiff acquaintance is wrong.

If a gentleman asks to be presented to a lady, she should signify her assent in a pleasant way, and pay her hostess, through whom the request comes, the compliment of at least seeming to be gratified at the introduction. Our American ladies are sometimes a little lacking in cordiality of manner, often receiving a new acquaintance with that part of their conformation which is known as the “cold shoulder.” A brusque discourtesy is bad, a very effusive courtesy and a too low bow are worse. The proper salutation lies just between the two extremes.

In seeking introductions for ourselves, while we need not be shy of making a first visit or asking for an introduction, we must still beware of intrusion. There are instincts in the humblest understanding which will tell us where to draw the line. If a person is socially more prominent than ourselves, or more distinguished in any way, we should not be violently anxious to take the first step; we should wait until some happy chance brings us together, for we must be as firm in our self-respect as our neighbor is secure in her exalted position. 

Wealth has heretofore had very little power to give a person an exclusively fashionable position. Character, breeding, culture, good connections - all must help. An aristocrat who is such by virtue of an old and honored name which has never been tarnished is a power in the newest society as in the oldest; but it is a shadowy power, felt rather than described. Edu- cation is always a power.

To be sure, there is a tyranny in large cities of what is known as the “fashionable set,” formed of people willing to spend money; who make a sort of alliance, offensive and defensive; who can give balls and parties and keep certain people out; who have the place which many covet; who are too much feared and dreaded. If those who desire an introduction to this set strive for it too much, they will be sure to be snubbed; for this circle lives by snubbing. If such an aspirant will wait patiently, either the whole autocratic set of ladies will disband - for such sets disentangle easily or else they in their turn will come knocking at the door and ask to be received.

It takes many years for a new and an uninstructed set to surmount all the little awkwardnesses, the dubious points of etiquette, that come up in every new shuffle of the social cards; but a modest and serene courtesy, a civility which is not servile, will be a good introduction into any society.

The place given here to the ill-bred is only conceded to them that one may realize the great demands made upon the tact and the good feeling of a hostess. She must have a quick apprehension; she may and will remember, however, that it is very easily forgiven, this kind-heartedness - that it is better to sin against etiquette than to do an unkind thing.

Great pains should be taken by a hostess to introduce shy people. Young people are those whose pleasure must depend on introductions.

It is well for a lady in presenting two strangers to say something which may break the ice, and make the conversation easy and agreeable; as, for instance, “Mrs. Moon, allow me to present Mr. Star, who has just arrived from New England,” or, “Mrs. Rose, allow ine to present Mrs. Palmer, of Boston - or Chicago,” so that the two may naturally have a question and answer ready with which to step over the threshold of conversation without tripping.

In making an introduction, the gentleman is presented to the lady, with some such informal speech as this: “Mrs. C., allow me to present Mr. D.,” or, “Mrs. C., Mr. D. desires the honor of knowing you.” In introducing two women, present the younger to the older woman, the question of rank not holding good in our society where the position of the husband, be he judge, general, senator, or president even, does not give his wife fashionable position. She may be of far less importance in the great world of society than some Mrs. Jones, who, having nothing else, is set down as of the highest rank in that unpublished but well-known book of heraldry which is so thoroughly understood in America as a tradition.

It is the proper thing for a gentleman to ask a mutual friend or an acquaintance to introduce him to a lady, and there are few occasions when this request is refused. In our crowded ballrooms, chaperons often ask young men if they will be introduced to their charges. It is better before asking the young men of this present luxurious age, if they will not only be introduced, but if they propose to dance, with the young lady, else that young person may be mortified by a snub. — From “Polite Life and Etiquette or What is Right and the Social Arts,” by Georgene Corry Benham, 1891

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Polite Society

Life brings a discipline to all; a discipline which bears directly upon every human being, making it his duty to be acceptable to his fellow-creatures. And unless certain tenets of good behavior are acknowledged and endorsed by society, how is the novice to know when he has trespassed upon good manners?

A subject which has been handled in many ways, and by many minds, always presents difficulties to one who attempts to set it forth in a new light. And yet the theme of our book is susceptible of many new thoughts, and many changes of old thoughts which are of value to the reader. The etiquette of polite society changes so materially in some phases, and with such marked contrast among different peoples and periods, that it is almost a hopeless task to formulate rules that shall absolutely govern with the same unchangeability that stamped the laws of the Medes and the Persians.

The nearest approach to such a task is to give to the inquirer those usages and forms which prevail in good society, and which, with slight modifications, are adapted to any part of the habitable globe. And while these rules are, in their general contour, applicable to any position in life, the good sense and knowledge of fitness of things, will help to a comprehension of those exceptional occasions, when even the etiquette which obtains everywhere, can be changed in a slight degree, without marring the force of the custom as usually accepted. 

The fact that the rules of good behavior are current everywhere, is based on their being the outgrowth of something more substantial than mere forms. They are grounded in that kindness of heart, that unselfish desire to make one'self agreeable and attractive, which must have a place with all, ere they can lay claim to being truly polite.

Life brings a discipline to all; a discipline which bears directly upon every human being, making it his duty to be acceptable to his fellow-creatures. And unless certain tenets of good behavior are acknowledged and endorsed by society, how is the novice to know when he has trespassed upon good manners?

The deepest thinkers all unite in pronouncing human nature essentially selfish. But, by studying the rules laid down by good society for guidance, and practicing them continually, they become second nature, and selfishness is kept in the background. Politeness becomes easy, if habitual, and performs its mission in bringing its followers up from the plane of self-love to a higher moral one, where thoughtless self-gratification is subdued, and time and attention are devoted to looking after the comfort and welfare of others.

Much remains to be said upon the value of good manners. They should be the outgrowth of character; a character built up in youth. Character is more than reputation. The young should learn its value, and early acquire it. The world may misunderstand - it generally does misconstrue human actions. But a clear conscience, a kindly nature, and fine manners, can conquer all things.

But even though certain customs may change, the principles which underlie social laws ever remain the same. Regarding etiquette then, from a higher standpoint than the mere following of certain set forms, we have added to those forms truths that lie deeper than outward observances. Mere politeness, unaccompanied by a desire to make it a nature of daily life, is very empty and unsatisfying. The moral nature must be developed at the same time, and the innate tendency to prefer self, must be kept in abeyance.

The life will then grow beautiful, the expressions of good will to all become spontaneous, and a broader culture, which is an aid to success in the world, will result. Good manners are pivots upon which a man's fortunes may be said to turn. Who is so unwelcome as the person destitute of them? No one likes to transact business with such a one, no pleasure is afforded by his society.

It is the aim of this work to impress upon all the importance of acquiring them; not alone for the pleasure which they afford, but because they are links in the chain which binds human beings to each other, and to a Higher Power.

Indifference to the comfort of others betokens a selfish, coarse nature, and repels those whose sympathies are active, and to whom civility is the natural expression of gentle def- erence, ever seeking to confer pleasure upon others. To all our readers is this volume especially addressed, with the sincere desire that profit and instruction may be gathered from its pages. And we feel certain that it will help the novice or the timid one, to know just what to do under all circumstances, assisting all to avoid those mortifying mistakes which are so distressing to a proud and sensitive nature. 

Every line has been penned with the hope that our treatment of the important subject of etiquette will make the duties of social life more clear, and awaken a desire for that culture which raises the soul to a more lofty ideal of the life we live here. –THE AUTHOR. 

From Polite Society at Home and Abroad, by Annie Randall White, 1895

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

From BRIDES’ on Brides of 1990’s

BRIDE'S Magazine answers some of the Top 100 questions about wedding etiquette

Questions:
1. My youngest sister is too old to be a flower girl but too young to perform bridesmaid duties. How can I include her in the wedding?

2. Who chooses her dress for the wedding first, the bride's mother or the groom's mother?

3. Does the wedding party have to have an equal number of bridesmaids and groomsmen?

Questions and more questions. Getting engaged and planning a wedding opens up an entirely new world — a most confusing world of constant decision-making and emotionally charged situations. Here's some insight into what every bride, bride-to -be and newlywed needs to know. 

The Engagement:
After the question is "popped," arrange for parents to get together to visit (or meet one another) for brunch, drinks, din- ner. The groom's mother should call the bride's mother first.

Begin shopping for a gown nine months before the wedding. Because wedding dresses are custom made, most take at least four months to arrive, once they've been ordered.

The bride's immediate family should not host the shower. If they do, it appears as if they are asking for more gifts for the bride.

Bridesmaids and groomsmen traditionally pay for their own wedding apparel, travel, hotel accommodations. (Exception: If an attendant is financially strapped, the bride and groom may help with some of the expenses.)

The Invitations:
Order 50 extra invitations for keepsakes and late additions to the guest list; 100 extra envelopes in case of addressing errors. Anticipate a 25% refusal rate.

Fold invitation across middle of engraved double sheet, insert in inner envelope with folded side down, engraved side facing up.

Slip inner envelope inside larger envelope so handwritten guests' names (Mr. & Mrs. Jones) are visible. Mail invitations six to eight weeks before the wedding.

The Ceremony And Reception:
Ceremony seating depends on religious preference. In a Christian wedding, as you face the altar, the left side is reserved for the bride's family and friends, the right side of the groom's. The reverse is true for Jewish weddings.

The maid or matron of honor may be your mother, aunt, grandmother or other special person in your life even a close male relative or friend!

In case of divorced parents, seat each parent with his/her own family and friends at the reception. Seat the groom's parents with the parent who raised the bride.

"Etiquette is about the subtle courtesies and kindnesses that smooth relationships between families and friends," says Barbara Tober, Editor-in-Chief of BRIDE'S Magazine. "Developing an awareness of the feelings and concerns of others is a skill that will pave the way for better communication with family members throughout your married life."

Answers:
1. You may have junior bridesmaids, ages 9 to 14. They precede attendants down the aisle, with or without partners.

2. The bride's mother may discuss what she plans to wear with the groom's mother, and she chooses her dress first.

3. It is perfectly all right to have an unequal number of bridesmaids and groomsmen.— The Times Advocate, 1994

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Credit When Credit is Due

It is painful to think how few people give children the credit they deserve. We all have children among us, or at least President Roosevelt hopes we do, but no one realizes how far they go in teaching our best society true etiquette. — A newspaper editor had some thoughts on children’s behavior after an Easter egg hunt in 1908.

Give Children Credit

From the Editor of the Calistogan: J. O. Wilkinson had a large garden party on Easter Sunday at his home here, the guests being composed solely of children, whose pleasures were divided between hunting for Easter eggs and eating candy. It is painful to think how few people give children the credit they deserve. We all have children among us, or at least President Roosevelt hopes we do, but no one realizes how far they go in teaching our best society true etiquette. 

Invite a lot of youngsters to a party where there is something to eat and none of them will cause the host annoyance by tardy arrivals; at the theater they are there before the rise of the curtain and never come in late to disturb the audience, nor do any of them leave before the performance is over. —The Weekly Calistogan, 1908

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Chewing Gum Got Etiquette Approval

“Writers on etiquette say that where beauty experts are advising chewing gum for beauty’s sake; airplane hostesses are offering it for digestion’s sake; athletic directors are giving it to their athletes for their throats’ sake; and bridge players are chewing for “better concentration”… 

Gum-Chewing on Pages of Etiquette Books in 1936

The world of etiquette has introduced a new recruit to its pages of when, where, and hows. No longer is it a question of whether we should chew gum, but the appropriateness of the time, the occasion, and the place, and the ways it’s done. For writers on etiquette say that where beauty experts are advising chewing gum for beauty’s sake; airplane hostesses are offering it for digestion’s sake; athletic directors are giving it to their athletes for their throats’ sake; and bridge players are chewing for “better concentration,” it is natural that the margins should broaden and chewing gum be enjoyed on other occasions. 

For every recognized form of behavior, there is a set of rules to accompany it. Here are a few suggestions that the writers of etiquette are making in connection with the chewing of gum:

• We chew when it is appropriate. 

• We either accept or refuse gum without making a fuss either way. 

• We chew only in the presence of those who enjoy chewing gum. 

• Chewing gum is like chewing anything else, and follows the same rules of behavior.

Briefly, the opinion seems to be “to chew and let chew.” — Wilmington Press, 1936

 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of  The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia