Introduction Etiquette and Arm Wrestling

“The rules should be rewritten to require that when two or more persons are introduced they must cement the acquaintance by arm wrestling. You will never forget the name of anyone you have bested at arm wrestling, or of anyone who has bested you. Besides that, it helps get a cocktail party off to a good start…” 

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What Have We Here? – Two hostess, or sweetmeat, serving sets in silver and gilded silver from France, along with a 1940’s American version of the French sets, called “Harlequin Sets,” made by Reed and Barton in the United States. They were made in both sterling and silver plate. They are serving up some typical, mid 20th century hors d’oeuvres which were often found at “cocktail parties.” Cocktails were the main feature, as from stories I heard as a child lead me to believe that a lot more drinking (and cigarette smoking) than eating transpired at these events. Martinis were especially popular. This 5 piece Harlequin set in the box features different, diminutive serving pieces using designs which were once popularly used for everything from jelly to escargots or berries, to nuts, sauces, etc... floral handles were added to them and stores sold them as versatile “party sets.” — From the book, “Yesteryear… More of What Have We Here? The Etiquette and Essentials of Past Times to the Mid-20th Century” by Site Editor, Maura J. Graber 

Introduction Etiquette In Need of Revision

WASHINGTON (UPD—What this country needs is a new book of etiquette. Right, Emily? Particularly is this true of the chapter on introductions. In my lifetime thus far I probably have been introduced to 5.000 people and I would guess that 5,000 others have been introduced to me. Yet I have never once learned anyone’s name during a formal introduction. Names uttered at those moments leave no more impression on my brain than the college algebra classes I once attended. If the hostess at a cocktail party introduces me to one of the guests, I always have to sidle up to the hostess later and whisper “What did you say that fellow’s name was?” That’s if I’m lucky. In most cases she wanders off and leaves me stuck with the person whose name I didn’t catch. 

Then another guest will join us and ask to be introduced. I’ll concede that my memory could never compete in an adhesive contest with the cheaper grades of flypaper. But 1 do say that I can ordinarily remember words no longer than most proper names for at least 15 seconds after I hear them. I blame the mental blackout that I experience during introductions on the cumbersome procedure set forth in the etiquette books for performing this function. As soon as an introduction begins. I immediately start trying to decide how I am going to acknowledge it—whether I am going to say “How do you do,” “Pleased to meet you,” or “Charmed, I’m sure.” It is this preoccupation with the ritual of the introduction that causes me to miss the names. And the same is true when I am performing an introduction. 

I get so intent on trying to remember whether the lady is introduced to the man, or whether the older person is introduced to the younger, that I forget the names of the people I am introducing. With friends this is embarrassing and when one of the names that slip your mind happens to belong to the woman you married it is downright painful. Which is why I say that what this country needs is a new book of etiquette. The rules should be rewritten to require that when two or more persons are introduced they must cement the acquaintance by arm wrestling. You will never forget the name of anyone you have bested at arm wrestling, or of anyone who has bested you. Besides that, it helps get a cocktail party off to a good start. — By Dick West Reports, for the San Bernardino Sun, 1964

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Soup in a Mustachioed Gilded Age

“It seems from these extracts to be the rule of highly-cultured nations, that no one should speak while he is eating soup, and, considering the modern mustache, it may be a very appropriate police regulation.” — Three “Mustache Spoon” designs from the Gilded Age for eating soup, including one for left-handed dining. Many of these spoons were also occasionally marketed as “Noiseless Soup Spoons.” During the period there was great focus on silently keeping a gentleman’s mustache free of foods and liquids. 

—Photo source Etiquipedia’s private library 

There are some dinner rules in high fashion we may not all know. For instance, in the new novel, “Aristocracy,” this passage occurs: “‘I dare say you'll find England very different from America, Mr Allen,’ Lady Oaktorrington (pronounced ottor) says after the removal of the soup, during which course not a word had been spoken at table.” 

And how it is in France one may gather from Guy de Maupassant’s novel, “Belami,” in which this occurs: “The servant announced: ‘Madame is served.’ then they adjourned to the dining room. Duray found himself seated between Mme. de Marelle and her daughter. *** No one spoke while eating the soup.” This looks like it is by design. 

It seems from these extracts to be the rule of highly-cultured nations, that no one should speak while he is eating soup, and, considering the modern mustache, it may be a very appropriate police regulation. But we must not too quickly jump at conclusions. We all know that sometimes at American dinner parties, in the matter of early conversation, one finds himself, as it were, silently “in the soup.” - Louisville Courier Journal, 1890

Patented “Mustache Holders” and lifters of the era were also sold to those who worried about appearances while dining. As popular as mustaches were at the time, the mustache spoons, along with cups and other mustache-themed items sold very well, even if their patented designs looked downright ridiculous when sent to the patent office to great, unintended comic effect. 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Veep Reached, Emily Reacted!

Mrs. Emily Post, arbiter of social etiquette, had recently given out an opinion stating it would be “social death” to blunder in the important matter of arranging place cards without a ruling from the Secretary of State.

BE SEATED, MRS. GANN!

ABOVE LEFT, Mrs. Edward E. Gann, sister and official hostess of Vice President Curtis, who was accorded the social status which would normally be accorded the wife of a Vice President, at a meeting of the Diplomatic Corps today. Right, Mrs. Emily Post, arbiter of social etiquette, who recently gave out an opinion stating it would be “social death” to blunder in the important matter of arranging place cards without a ruling from the Secretary of State; lower right, Vice President Curtis, who demanded that his sister be given equal rating with him on dinner party seating lists. — San Pedro News Pilot, April, 1929

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Conversation Etiquette: No Tattling!

 A double entendre is detestable in woman, especially when perpetrated in the presence of men; no man of taste can respect a woman who is guilty of it: though. it may create a laugh, it will inevitably excite also disgust in the minds of all whose good opinions are worth acquiring.

CONVERSATION is a difficult art, but do not despair of acquiring it. It consists not so much in saying something different from the rest, but in extending the remarks of others; in being willing to please and be pleased; and in being attentive to what is said and to what is passing around you. Talking is not conversation, it is the manner of saying things which gives them their value.

One of the greatest requisites, also, is the art of listening discreetly. To listen is a delicate piece of flattery, and a compliment so gratifying as to surely recommend you.

Cultivate a soft tone of voice and a courteous mode of expression.

It is better to say too little than too much in company: let your conversation be consistent with your sex and age.

Cautiously avoid relating in one house any follies or faults vou may hear or see in another.

Never converse with strangers or mere acquaintances upon family circumstances or differences.

Do not look for faults in the characters or habits of your friends - the critic generally likes to communicate her opinions or discoveries - hence arises a habit of detraction.

Never encourage tattling or detraction; if there were no listeners this petty vice could not exist; besides, the habit of listening to this sort of gossip will soon induce you to participate, by similar communications.

Abjure punning, and exercising even the most refined RAILLERY: the latter requires both observation and talent, and most people mistake satire for raillery; the one may be the offspring of a vicious, the former must be of an enlightened and benevolent mind.

Do not appear abstracted while another person is speaking and never interrupt another by intruding a remark of your own.

Avoid pedantry and dogmatism. Be not obtrusively positive in the assertion of your opinions - modesty of speech, as well as manner, is highly ornamental in a woman.

A double entendre is detestable in woman, especially when perpetrated in the presence of men; no man of taste can respect a woman who is guilty of it: though. it may create a laugh, it will inevitably excite also disgust in the minds of all whose good opinions are worth acquiring.

Therefore not only avoid all indelicate expressions, but appear not to understand any that may be uttered in your presence.

Rather be silent than talk nonsense, unless you have that agreeable art, possessed by some women, of investing little nothings with an air of grace and interest; this most enviable art is indeed very desirable in a hostess, as it often fills up disagreeable pauses, and serves as a prelude for the introduction of more intellectual matter.

Flattery is a powerful weapon in conversation; all are susceptible to it. It should be used skilfully, never direct, but inferred; better acted than uttered. Let it seem to be the unwitting and even the unwilling expression of genuine admiration, the honest expression of the feelings.

Do not (except with a view to improvement) introduce subjects with which you are but superficially acquainted. If you should do so with the idea that all others present are equally or more ignorant than yourself, you may be very disagreeably undeceived, by some quiet, unpresuming person, who may have been listening to the development of your ignorance.

Do not use the terms “genteel people;” “This, that, or the other, is very genteel.” Substitute for them, “They are highly accomplished;” “he is a gentlemanly man;” “that has a gentlemanly appearance;” “she has the manners of a gentlewoman.”

It is not good taste for a lady to say “Yes, Sir,” and “No, Sir,” to a gentleman, or frequently to introduce the word “Sir” at the end of her sentence, unless she desire to be exceedingly reserved toward the person with whom she is conversing.

Do not introduce proverbs and cant phrases; a well educated lady can always find words to express her meaning, without resorting to these.

Never introduce your own affairs for the amusement of the company; such discussions cannot be interesting to others, and the probability is that the most patient listener is laying the foundation for some tale to make you appear ridiculous.

It is not contrary to good-breeding to laugh in company, and even to laugh heartily when there is anything amusing going on; this is nothing more than being sociable. To remain prim and precise on such occasions, is sheer affectation. Avoid, however, what is called the “horse-laugh.”

Never laugh at your own remarks; it inay be a very agreeable excitation, but it invariably spoils what you are saying.

If you are a wit, do not let your witty remarks engross the whole conversation, as it wounds the self-love of your hearers, who also wish to be heard, and becomes excessively fatiguing.

Do not address persons by the initial of their names; “Mrs. A. says this;” “Mrs. B. does that;” it is a mark of vulgarity. — True Politeness, A Handbook of Etiquette for Ladies, By An American Lady, 1847

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The “Pretentious” Fish Knife?

Above - Shown from a different perspective are a properly held fish knife and fish fork… 
Knives and forks  are held with the index finger on the backs of the utensil handles. This is how it looks from the underside. Sometimes it is easier to understand how the utensils are properly held by seeing how they fit into the palms of the hands at an angle. The fish course, in formal Continental dining, is always served before the main course and the salad course is always served afterward, just the opposite as in American dining.

Is the fish knife our most pretentious utensil?

A 2nd Debut Article from 2020

Now largely forgotten, the fish knife comes from an age where table etiquette was front and centre, leading to nearly two hundred different eating utensils being designed for different courses and foods. Adopted by an aspiring middle class wishing to dine like the gentrified, the odd utensil was later targeted by high society as an object of ridicule, as Colin Bisset writes.

The fish knife is the epitome of gentility. With a scalloped shaped blade, the end is just pointy enough to pick small bones from a cooked fish, and the flat blade is useful for sliding between the flesh and skin.

The fish knife first appeared in the first half of the nineteenth century in Britain. Thanks to thriving industry and the wealth generated by an expanding Empire, the rising middle-classes aspired to a gentrified way of dining. From the 1850s, dinners were usually served a la russe, which meant as separate courses as opposed to the previous practice of putting all dishes on the table at the same time. This led to the introduction of a variety of implements to help distinguish the serving and eating of everything from oysters to elaborate puddings, making negotiating a dinner a nightmare for those lacking knowledge of table etiquette. 

It was a boon for cutlery manufacturers who were able to not only to design and market nearly two hundred eating implements but several styles for each one. (Washing up after these long dinners was certainly an arduous task.) The fish knife was an object of fussy design, solving a problem that was not truly present. It is interesting that they managed to last so long when the other cutlery inventions of the Victorian table have largely vanished. 

A fish knife was an essential component for the fish course and they were quickly adapted for dining tables across the newly industrialised world. Made from either plated or solid silver, because ordinary metal blades were believed to blacken when coming into contact with fish, they offered hosts the opportunity to show the world that they could afford to dine in the finest fashion. With ever-more fanciful shapes, some engraved with fish-scales, others as curvaceous as a fish itself, the maritime theme was de rigeur. 

The thought of an ordinary silver knife being able to serve the purpose just as well seems to have been politely put to one side. A larger version was often part of a set for the filleting and serving of a fish meant for several diners.

By the end of the First World War, they fell from fashion, at least for the upper classes who had always found them rather vulgar and preferred to use two forks to fillet a fish. As the century progressed, they quickly became an object of ridicule. However, the invention of stainless steel in the 1920s meant that they could be manufactured cheaply and thus anyone who aspired to a posh kind of gentility would be in possession of a set. 

Snobbish writers such as poet John Betjeman mocked their use, branding the utensil non-U (the term coined by Nancy Mitford to differentiate those with class from those with pretensions to it). Betjeman's famous poem of 1958 “How To Get On In Society” is a catalogue of names and terms used by the upwardly-mobile, at first sight gently mocking but actually (as Betjeman was) quite savage. 'Phone for the fish knives, Norman,' starts the poem, immediately highlighting a raft of non-U words: phone, fish knives and Norman.

The fish knife was an object of fussy design, solving a problem that was not truly present. It is interesting that they managed to last so long when the other cutlery inventions of the Victorian table have largely vanished. 

A visit to any antique shop will however always turn up many sets—many will never have been used. Perhaps, like the fondue set and the parfait dish, their time will come again. They might indeed be reclaimed as symbols for the class warrior and those who despise the snobbism implicit in certain objects.

They remain, however, as an interesting throwback to a time when how one ate was almost more important than what one ate.— By Colin Bisset for Design, 2013

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dessert Spoon Etiquette and History

Dessert spoon rules — Use dessert spoons alone when eating ice cream, pots de crème, and other soft desserts, holding the spoon in the right hand. A dessert fork and spoon are used together when 2 utensils are needed. It’s nearly always done in the Continental style, except this is done with a fork and spoon as opposed to a fork and knife. The fork is held in the left hand with tines facing down, and the spoon is held in the right hand. The fork is used to hold or keep a dessert in place as the spoon cuts off small bites. This works well with desserts such as Baked Alaska or certain types of cakes. An exception to this rule is pie or cake, à la mode. These are both eaten with a dessert fork and spoon. The spoon is used to cut and then place a bite of cake or pie and a bit of ice cream on the fork, which is held in the right hand and used to eat the dessert.

How New Spoon Caused Confusion and Insult

The etiquette of eating was formerly simpler, because the number of table implements was smaller. Sir Charles Murray (born In 1806) states in his “Reminiscences” that dessert spoons were unknown in the days of his youth, and people scraped along very comfortably with only teaspoons and tablespoons. 

When dessert spoons were invented, Hamilton Place, the seat of Sir Charles’ uncle, was among the first households in Scotland to adopt them, and a small laird invited to dine there was both astonished and disgusted to find one of the new fashioned spoons handed to him with the sweets. “What for do you gie me this?” he inquired of the footman. “Do ye think ma mooth has got ony smaller since I lappit ma soup?” — London Chronicle, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Pepper Spray Etiquette

My husband Cliff wanted us to both be safe, so he bought us each pepper spray. I wanted us both to be safe, so I never took mine out of the package.

A Warning to the Unprepared

A 2nd Debut Article from 2016

If you have never experienced pepper spray, or are thinking about carrying some pepper spray for safety, or simply trying some out just to see what it's like, the following are a few etiquette rules one should follow:


 

1. If you feel you must have pepper spray with you, put it in a safe place where it cannot accidentally be sprayed. A safe place would be any place a child cannot find it, or in a special spot. One example would be your glove compartment in your car, not a pocket full of other things like your keys, along with your cell phone, and other assorted items.

Dawn helps save wildlife. It also helped save my husband.

2. If you accidentally spray your pepper spray on yourself after having it in an overly-filled pant pocket, immediately, and extremely politely, ask a spouse, loved one or friend, to please go out and buy you copious amounts of Dawn dish washing liquid. Pepper spray is an oily substance, and as Dawn is used to clean sea life that have been victims of oil spills, it will help you tremendously. 

 

3. Thank your loved one (or friend) profusely. Then, when the pain has subsided, send a handwritten thank you note along with chocolates, flowers, or possibly a bottle of wine. This is a nice touch, especially if your loved one had just returned from 5 long hours of Christmas shopping, and had to run right out again to buy you gallons of Dawn dish detergent.

Maybe you should keep this in your pants pocket instead.

4. Do not use, for example, your spouse's shower to wash the pepper spray off. Surprisingly, this can be construed as very impolite. Those soapy bubbles float all over the place, and when your spouse then goes to take a shower, he or she may find they are sporting a face that is bright red and burning, as the bubbles taking the pepper spray off of you, floated onto the facial cleanser, shampoo and conditioner bottles, and basically the entire shower! Check into a hotel to shower or bathe. Or shower outside with a garden hose if need be. Whatever you do, do not attempt to clean yourself in your spouse's shower or bathtub.


Seriously... the stuff burns!

5. If your spouse's shower or bath are your only options, hire a professional cleaning crew in hazmat suits, to come in afterward and clean said shower or bathtub, as another apology and act of graciousness. You then should always be welcome to use the shower or bath anytime after that.


This stuff works really well, if slathered all over your spouse's face a dozen times throughout the afternoon and evening, even if it is Christmas Eve and he or she is entertaining the family. At least it works well until a new package of supplies arrives from your spouse's favorite beauty or skincare consultant.

6. If your spouse has just purchased shampoo, conditioner, their favorite Kiehl's facial cleanser, and other assorted items that are in the shower with you, politely explain that you will need to throw them all out, but you will purchase all new items to replace them. Make sure you follow through with purchasing new items as soon as possible, and throw in a couple of extra skin care goodies as an added act of goodwill.

Please give your dry cleaner a warning.

7. If you take your pepper sprayed clothing to be professionally laundered, kindly warn the establishment that the clothing has pepper spray on it. If they launder it with anyone else's clothes, they may find themselves named in an unwanted lawsuit.


These won't persuade anyone.

8. If you are goofy enough to take your spouse's unopened package of pepper spray and attach it to your new key ring and keys, simply because you now, "know what to do if it happens again." please laugh it off when your spouse's friends, hairdresser and relatives think you are nuts. You can show them you have those handy wipes you bought off of the internet as proof that you are prepared for yet another pepper spray disaster.



As for me? I am sticking with this pet safe stuff. Evidently it doesn't burn.
 

*Special Note for Physicians: If you are a physician, and your spouse has been given pepper spray by a friend, please don't spritz it into a toilet to see what happens. Moments later, something will happen all the way back down the hall, into your office. You will experience a burning face and burning eyes. Just try to keep in mind, you were smart enough to get through medical school, and take relief in the fact that you were wise enough to not try this during office hours when patients were in the waiting room, right next to that restroom. Politely tell your spouse not to carry the pepper spray. It's up to you whether or not you want to tell your loved one why.

Contributor, and Site Editor, Maura Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, for close to 40 years, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years. She has written several books including, “What Have We Here?: The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond...”  on dining etiquette history and the art of fine dining, which are available on Amazon.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Place Settings Fit for King

His Majesty’s cover for dinner at the French Embassy, including an ashtray— “Right in front was the first wine glass, on which His Majesty’s place card was laid—so he would not have to bend over to read it. Other glasses were two more for white wine, one for red wine, and another, in the center, for the Romanee Conti, famed Burgundy vintage, of which 200 bottles were sent from Paris especially for this dinner.”

— Photo, Etiquipedia’s private library

This Table, Set For The King, 

Starts U. S. Experts Talking

Etiquette authorities, trying to determine how tables should be set for wining and dining royalty when King George VI and Queen Elizabeth visit the United States in June, are interested in this picture. It shows the cover set for His Majesty at a dinner given recently in the French embassy in London. Its especial interest is that it isn’t exactly what American authorities had in mind. The glasses, the turned-down silver and an ash tray caused most comment. Eyebrows weren’t raised at the number of glasses — but at their placing. 

It’s an old American custom to put glasses above and to the right of the knife — not above the service plate. At the dinner given by President M. Lebrun of France, and Mme. Lebrun, however, the water goblet was placed to the left front, near the entrée fork. Behind it came the champagne glass. Right in front was the first wine glass, on which His Majesty’s place card was laid—so he would not have to bend over to read it. Other glasses were two more for white wine, one for red wine, and another, in the center, for the Romanee Conti, famed Burgundy vintage, of which 200 bottles were sent from Paris especially for this dinner. 

The turned-down silver was a surprise in this country. Never, said one authority, is silver turned down. Glasses, perhaps —they might collect a little dust. A waiter will turn them up before serving starts. But the choicely-patterned silver? It can’t happen here. The ash tray is pointed out somewhat gleefully. It’s a long-needed concession to smokers, one authority explains. He points out that until a few years ago, ash trays would have appeared only at the end of the meal. — By Joan Durham, AP Feature Service Writer, 1939

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia