Etiquette and Treatment of Servants

“If you have only one servant, speak of her by her Christian name; if you have more, talk of them by the names of their offices, such as nurse, cook, housemaid, footman, etc...”

 

SERVANTS

Do not imagine that you will increase your importance by hauteur to your own or to other people’s servants.

At the house of your friend always preface your request to a servant by the words, “I would thank you for so and so;” and do not omit the usual courtesy on receiving it.

Do not scold your servants; you had better turn them away at once. When they need reproof, give them it in a calm, dignified, and firm manner; but on no account, if you can possibly avoid it, find fault with them in the presence of strangers, even though they should let fall the tray with your best set of china upon it.

If you have only one servant, speak of her by her Christian name; if you have more, talk of them by the names of their offices, such as nurse, cook, housemaid, footman, etc..., but always address them by their Christian names.— True Politeness, A Handbook of Etiquette for Ladies, By An American Lady, 1847

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1840’s General Etiquette for Ladies

Perfect order, exquisite neatness and elegance, which easily dispense with being sumptuous, ought to mark the entrance of the house, the furniture, and the dress of the lady. — Image source, Etiquipedia private library

GENERAL OBSERVATIONS 

On Etiquette of A Lady 

In entering any public room with a gentleman, let him precede you and obtain a seat.

If at another's house you should break anything, do not appear to notice it. Your hostess, if a lady, would take no notice of the calamity, nor say, as is sometimes done by ill-bred persons, “Oh! it is of no consequence.”

Do not beat the “devil's tattoo,” by drumming with your fingers on a table. 

Never read in an audible whisper; it disturbs those near you.

You should never take the arms of two gentlemen, one being upon either side.

A lady ought not to present herself alone in a library or museum, unless she goes there to study or work as an artist.

Perfect order, exquisite neatness and elegance, which easily dispense with being sumptuous, ought to mark the entrance of the house, the furniture, and the dress of the lady.

The most obvious mark of good breeding and good taste is a sensitive regard for the feelings of others...— True Politeness, A Handbook of Etiquette for Ladies, By An American Lady, 1847

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Antebellum Dinner Table Etiquette

Forks were not commonplace in the United States until the 1830’s to 1840’s, thus this etiquette book written in 1847 instructs that, “… silver forks are now met with in almost every respectable house. Steel forks, except for carving, are now seldom placed upon the dinner table.
Always feed yourself with the fork; a knife is only used as a divider. Use a dessert spoon in eating tarts, puddings, curries, etc…” — 
A historical reproduction, period 1855 place setting, created by site editor, Maura Graber and artist, Eda Bierman. The word antebellum literally means “before the war” (from the original Latin “ante” meaning “before” and “bellum” meaning “war.”) In modern vernacular, it is generally referring to the period before the 1860’s Civil War in the United States. 

American DINNER-TABLE 

ETIQUETTE OF 1847

INVITATIONS to dinner must of course be answered to the lady. Cards of invitation to a dinner party are usually issued from three days to a fortnight previous to the entertainment; they should specify the hour of meeting. 

The proper number for such a party is somewhat in dispute: the happy medium may be considered ten.

As persons are necessarily introduced at a dinner party, only such persons as are known to each other, or who mutually desire to be acquainted should be invited.

Be punctual to the hour appointed.

When an invitation is accepted, let nothing but imperative necessity compel you to break the engagement, or at the last moment to send an excuse.

When your guests enter, present them to the others, and if any delay occur, let the conversation be light and on common-place topics.

It is usual for the host or hostess to point out to the gentlemen the ladies they are to conduct to the dining-room, according to some real or imaginary standard (age or distinction). If persons of distinction are present, it is desirable that this should be done - of course giving them precedence.

The hostess follows her guests to the dining-room, the host having led the way with the lady of most consideration; the gentleman of the greatest distinction accompanies the hostess to the dining-room.

The hostess takes the head of the table: the seat of honor for a gentleman is at her right hand; for a lady, it is to the right of the host.

Ladies do not wear gloves during dinner.

In the best houses, the operation of carving is performed at the side tables; i. e. the principal joint, or joints, which require strength in the operation, are there carved.

Table napkins are indispensable at the dinner table; and silver forks are now met with in almost every respectable house. Steel forks, except for carving, are now seldom placed upon the dinner table.

It is usual to commence with soup, which never refuse; if you do not eat it, you can toy with it until it is followed by fish; of either of which never take more than once.

When all are seated, send a plate of soup to every one. Do not ask any one if they will be helped, as every one takes it, of course.

Always feed yourself with the fork; a knife is only used as a divider. Use a dessert spoon in eating tarts, puddings, curries, etc., etc.

If what you are eating before the dessert has any liquid, sop the bread and then raise it to the mouth. For articles of the dessert having liquid, a spoon is usually provided.

In helping sauce or vegetables, place them upon the side of the viands on the plate.

If anything is sent you from the host or hostess, do not offer it to any other person; and when helped do not wait until others are served, but at once arrange your napkin, and proceed to the important business of the moment.

In helping a joint, do not overload a person's plate; and if game, or any particularly select dish is placed before you, serve it with discretion.

In helping, wherever a spoon can be conveniently used, it is preferable to the use of a knife and fork

Fish must be helped with a fish slice: you may carve it more dexterously by taking a spoon in your left hand.

Soup must be eaten from the side, not the point of the spoon; and, in eating it, be careful not to make a noise, by strongly inhaling the breath: this habit is excessively vulgar; you cannot eat too quietly.

In helping soup, recollect that a little more than a ladle full is sufficient.

As hostess, do not press people to eat more than they appear inclined to take, nor force upon them any particular dish which you may think super excellent. If any difficulty occurs in carving, you should feel no diffidence in requesting the gentleman to your right or left to assist you: it is a part of their duty and privilege.

Do not ask any one at the table to help you to anything, but apply to the servant.

The hostess should never send away her plate until all the guests have finished.

When you send your plate for anything, leave your knife and fork upon it. When you have done, place both together on one side of the plate.

Servants wait at table in white gloves, or have a fine napkin in their hand, which prevents its contact with your plate.

Finger-glasses come on with the dessert; wet a corner of your napkin and wipe your mouth; then immerse your fingers in the water and dry them with the napkin.

As hostess, you will give the signal for retiring by rising from the table. The time for so doing varies in different companies, and must be left to your discretion.

Should your servants break anything while you are at table, do not appear to notice it. If they betray stupidity or awkwardness, avoid reprimanding them publicly, as it only draws attention to their errors, and adds to their embarrassment.

During the week which follows the entertainment, each of the guests owes a visit to the entertainer. Converse about the dinner, the pleasure you have enjoyed, and of the persons whom you have met there.

The mistress of the house should never appear to pride herself regarding what is on her table, nor confuse herself with apologies for the bad cheer which she may offer you; it is much better for her to observe silence in this respect, and leave it to her guests to pronounce eulogiums on the dinner.

Ladies should not leave the table before the end of the entertainment, unless from urgent necessity. If it is a married lady, she requests some one to accompany her; if unmarried, she goes with her mother.— True Politeness, A Handbook of Etiquette for Ladies, By An American Lady, 1847

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1957’s Modern Etiquette

Q. … what am I supposed to do at a wedding dinner when a toast is drunk to the bride?
A. You hold the drink which has been poured for you in your hand, lift it when the toast is made, and then put it down at the first opportunity.

MODERN ETIQUETTE

Q. Is it improper for a man to tell a woman friend that her slip is showing?
A. This is quite all right, if there is a place where she can go to fix it. Otherwise, it would be more thoughtful if he keeps quite about it to avoid making her feel un- comfortable.

Q. Since I do not drink alcoholic beverages, what am I supposed to do at a wedding dinner when a toast is drunk to the bride?
A. You hold the drink which has been poured for you in your hand, lift it when the toast is made, and then put it down at the first opportunity.

Q. Is it a matter of etiquette for a new father to give out cigars and candy to his friends?
A. There are no rules of etiquette regarding this. It's just an old widespread American custom. — By Roberta Lee, in “Modern Etiquette,” Press Tribune, 1957

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Lunchroom and Hotel Table Etiquette

How shall I tip the waiter when there are just three or four ladies traveling together?

An Agony Aunt column Q & A

Dear Mrs Adams,

Kindly advise me on the following questions relative to table etiquette in hotels and lunchrooms:

1. How to use napkin.
2. Where to place individual dishes such as bread, butter, water, fish, so on to salad.
3. When dishes are placed by a waiter, should they be moved to suit one’s convenience,
4. How to eat different bread stuffs, such as biscuit and hot rolls.
5. What to do when one does not care for courses that are brought on.
6. Is one supposed to eat from side dishes or dinner plate?
7. When a waiter brings courses ‘round should I take them off of the tray and place them on the table, or should the waiter?
8. How shall I tip the waiter when there are just three or four ladies traveling together?

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1. The napkin is taken from the table, unfolded and laid across the knees. At the close of the meal, it should be placed unfolded, a little to the side of one’s plate.
2. The bread and butter plate is placed to the left of one’s plate and the tumbler of water to the right. These, as well as the dishes that follow, will be placed correctly by the waiter.
3. Yes, in an unobtrusive manner.
4. Bread, biscuit or rolls are eaten in the same manner. A piece is broken off each time one wishes to convey any to the mouth.
5. The best way to do this is to make a pretense of eating it, or to continue eating bread or crackers, so that you will not make yourself conspicuous by sitting back and not eating. Of course, if you are asked whether you would care for a certain dish when the order is given, you can then give your explanation.
6. If small portions are brought in on side dishes, you should take the food directly from them.
7. Leave the amount you desire to give the waiter on the tray when he brings your change. — The Los Angeles Herald, 1911

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Superiority Complexes

Similar to Chinese coolies, Japanese “Jinrikisha boys” were considered rough and without any manners. They pulled rickshaws. The word rickshaw originates from the Japanese word jinrikisha  jin or “human” and riki or “power.” Sadly, they did not have the power to change the perceptions of those people in society with superiority complexes!

One thing a really polite man or woman never does is to call attention to another person, particularly one inferior in any way. It often happens that we are brought in some way into contact with persons who are of another race, religion or merely another strata of society than ours. It is most rude to, in any way, make these people feel that they are any different than we are. 

One of my dearest friends is a young Englishwoman, born and raised in China. All of her former life was spent in what we would consider the lap of luxury. She was surrounded by servants and coolies to do her bidding. She was brought up to consider the Chinese coolies as lower than the dust. She still can not feel that the Chinese youth that we have here in San Francisco are any more than their parents in the old country —just servants. I have argued and tried to explain to no avail. She simply can not change her training! — By Deborah Ames, Calexico Chronicle, 1936

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1930’s Etiquette for Gents and PDA

“A man never takes a woman’s arm, but offers his. It is definitely bad taste to walk arm in arm. I have always felt that any display of emotion in public was very poor taste.”

Beware Showing Public Emotion

I THINK it was a man named Phelps who gave what is to me the almost perfect definition of etiquette. He said, “The essence of politeness consists in so conducting ourselves, in manner and word, that others may be pleased both with us and with themselves.” There are innumerable little tests of good manners that distinguish, the well-bred person in public. A truly polite person never calls attention to himself in any way, at any time. When he meets a friend, he does so quietly and graciously. He is cordial without being conspicuous. A gentleman offers his arm to an old lady or an invalid. He helps his companion to alight from a car, to step across a puddle, or in walking down dark stairs.

A young man may offer to assist an older or infirm man in any of these instances without seeming forward. A man never takes a woman’s arm, but offers his. It is definitely bad taste to walk arm in arm. I have always felt that any display of emotion in public was very poor taste. I never punish my children before other people, neither do I allow them to “make scenes” in places where they will attract attention. This fashion of kissing upon meeting and leaving one’s friends, is particularly distasteful. If you start kissing people the second time you meet them, it is like eating your dessert before you finish the salad and entrée. It leaves you nothing to grow, to nothing to look forward to, in the development of your friendship. Kissing is something that should be kept for one’s family or dearest friends. When it is done promiscuously, it becomes meaningless. — By Deborah Ames, Calexico Chronicle, 1936

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Spoon History and Etiquette

“Spoons are older than forks, because nature provides them. Where people live near the sea, sea shells are often used as spoons. Gourds and sections of bamboo have been used too, and spoons are easy to carve out of wood. In a few places, as among the Native Americans of the Pacific Northwest, the “spoon” might actually be almost flat, like a paddle, because its real use was to fish out solid bits of food for the honored guest.”— Shown above, three small antique silver spoons, from left to right, a mustard spoon, salt spoon and a snuff spoon
—Photo source, Etiquipedia private library 

Tiny Bowls

What’s a spoon, really? A tiny bowl with a long handle so that we don’t have to drink clumsily from a larger bowl.

We use it for soup, but that’s just the elegant modern way to do it. The original way (which survived in rural areas well into the 19th century) was to pick up the whole bowl and chug it down. Sticklers for good usage insist that we should say we “drink” soup, rather than “eat” it, but in the old days that went without saying.

Spoons are officially intended for liquid or semi-liquid  food, so we use a spoon for pudding or ice cream (hence the expression “X could eat Y with a spoon,” meaning X considers Y a luscious treat). But we use a fork for pie, because it’s a pastry, a distinction that has infuriated many a small child who wanted to get all of a pie’s drippy fruit filling.

Spoons are older than forks, because nature provides them. Where people live near the sea, sea shells are often used as spoons. Gourds and sections of bamboo have been used too, and spoons are easy to carve out of wood. In a few places, as among the Native Americans of the Pacific Northwest, the “spoon” might actually be almost flat, like a paddle, because its real use was to fish out solid bits of food for the honored guest.

In many parts of the world, people eat out of a communal plate and even take soup from a common bowl. Obviously, this poses a risk of spreading disease. But people have ways of getting around that. In Central Asia, for instance, the soup spoon has a remarkably wide bowl— sometimes it looks like two bowls side by side— and etiquette requires that you scoop away from you into the common bowl of soup or yogurt. So the part of the spoon that goes into the soup is not the part that goes into your mouth. Clever. — By Charles Perry, 1999

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia