Gilded Age Valentines, Not Vinegar

“No longer may the too bashful swain get behind good St. Valentine to make a declaration of love. Neither is it good form to make it a spite day. The comic Valentine, when the joke is kind is all right, but when one is sent that is insulting and personal, it goes against the spirit of the day.” — Above, a Victorian “Vinegar” Valentine from Pinterest.

“IN place of .going out of date, Valentines are gaining in popularity," said a manufacturer of these conceits. "We don't like to make any show of sentiment in this practical age, so the old-fashioned, foolishly sweet affairs are not. used. No longer may the too bashful swain get behind good St. Valentine to make a declaration of love. Neither Is it good form to make it a spite day. The comic Valentine, when the joke is kind is all right, but when one is sent that is insulting and personal,,,, it goes against the spirit of the day. The once popular lace-trimmed Valentines are a thing of the past. Children have taken possession of these. The lover now sends his lady fair an offering of flowers, bonbons, fruit, a book, a picture or any dainty holiday gift. Where an engagement exists often a piece of jewelry is sent. It is considered better taste not to put any. card on Valentine gifts. The identity of the sender should be shrouded in doubt. This adds piquancy to the occasion. Of course, the woman in the case is usually a good guesser. 

“There is only one time-honored way to send any card or  Valentine, and that is to have it slipped under the door on St. Valentine eve. It must not under any circumstances be intrusted to Uncle Sam. and have the prosaic adornment of a . postage stamp unless the sender lives at a distance. Then it is pardonable because unavoidable, but a part of the flavor is lost when it has to come through such a channel. Even flowers and candy are left on the doorstep by a messenger boy, who runs away in the friendly darkness and watches from a. distance to see that the offering is taken in. "The etiquette of Valentine's decrees that no woman shall make a present to even her dearest female friend on this day. nor must a man give anything to another man. .This does not apply to comic Valentines, but to presents of any description. It is a. day sacred to lovers, and no one else must trespass on their privileges. Neither does a woman remember a man friend with even the most trifling souvenir. There is no hint of leap year prerogatives in this old-fashioned day.”– San Francisco Call, 1901

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Executive Etiquette from 1986

“The worst thing you can do is to go to your new boss and ask him over for dinner,” Baldrige said. “Let them do the inviting in the beginning. They need to make the first step.”

Etiquette tips for avoiding those business faux pas…

Executive etiquette. There is nothing scientific about it.

It's a question of grace, style, intuition the delicate, ever-changing nuances of social behavior that, if heeded, can make the job a whole lot easier, the employer a great deal happier and the employee perhaps a little more successful.

Enter one of the masters of manners, Letitia Baldrige, chief of staff and social secretary to Jacqueline Kennedy.

"You have to know how to play the keyboard," Baldrige began in a recent interview from her home in New York City. "When you're the new kid on the block, the main thing you have to remember is to keep your distance."

Baldrige, who recently completed "Letitia Baldrige's Guide to Executive Manners" and who delivers etiquette seminars throughout the country, is referring to the eggshell relationship that can exist between employer and employee.

There are certain things you do and certain things you do not do. Ever.

"The worst thing you can do is to go to your new boss and ask him over for dinner," Baldrige said. "Let them do the inviting in the beginning. They need to make the first step."

After feeling out one's supervisor, soaking up the office atmosphere and waiting for a proper interval of time to pass, the employee's social invitation should be made privately, Baldrige added.

"And always make sure you tell the boss's secretary not to broadcast it. That's how terrible jealousies begin. If you happen to have a lucky in with the boss, don't make it known. You'll just make enemies."

Judi Kaufman, a trainer for Etiquette International in Beverly Hills, said it is usually advisable that a restaurant, not the employee's home, serve as the site for the first social encounter with the boss.

"The employee, obviously, is not at the same economic level of his supervisors, so a restaurant is often a good neutral place to avoid any possible embarrassment," Kaufman said.

The old "let's-have-dinner" ritual, according to Baldrige, is only one of many social codes the eager young executive should learn and learn well.

Never call the boss by his or her first name until asked to, she cautioned. "And never should a young executive have his (or her) secretary place a call to a senior executive. There's nothing more pretentious than that."

Backslapping, making too many jokes about the job and acting too casually are the most commonly committed blunders made by ingratiating employees in the office, Baldrige stressed.

"There always has to be that distance kept," she said. "Call it respect or call it fear, but you don't do things like plopping yourself down next to the boss in the executive dining room." In addition to serving the First Lady, Baldrige also was President Kennedy's adviser on matters of protocol.

Perhaps that's why she offered this piece of advice: "There is nothing that drives a senior executive more wild than when a junior executive barges in to the boss's office while the boss is in with someone else (to ask) questions that aren't at all urgent or important That just drives them crazy."

Further, at social functions like an office party or company picnic, "Never hover around the boss and monopolize him even if you've established a friendship."

And, Kaufman added, "Don't drink too much at the party. The best way to win over a boss, said Kaufman, is "to know his or her spouse and a little about what they're interested in, plus knowing the first names of the children."

Kaufman's list of egregious office errors include: don't take credit for someone else's work, don't be abrupt on the telephone and don't write any memos to a supervisor longer than a page.

"You'd be surprised how much an employer appreciates good telephone manners and someone who can boil all the information the boss should know into one page," Kaufman said.

Baldrige said it's the "little extra things" that breed employee success. Make sure to respond to an RSVP, she advised, and write thank you notes when someone does you a service and congratulatory notes when someone gets a promotion.

"Another thing," Baldrige continued, "we are the worst nation in the world in terms of introducing people. If you can't remember their name, laugh about it, but make the introduction."

The introductory protocol is quite simple: "If you're talking to a judge or a chief executive officer, for instance, introduce the lesser to the more important and the younger to the older. — By Ellis E. Conklin, UPI Feature Writer, 1986

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Mid 20th C. Dinner Pary Etiquette

Two couples throw a dinner party and you attended… are you obliged to invite each of them to a dinner in return, even though you only know one of the couples?

 

 

Q. When two couples throw a large dinner party and you and your husband are included, are you obliged to invite each of them to dinner, even though you only know the one couple? L. G., Detroit, Mich. 

A. Yes. If you accept someone’s hospitality, you are obliged to extend hospitality to them in return. As a general rule, it's always better to extend an unnecessary invitation than to not extend a necessary one. When in doubt, invite.- By Maureen Eleva Reardon, 1974

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Calling Card Etiquette from The Lady

The fashion of manners and etiquette is almost as fickle as that of dress. What is this year's meat is next year's poison, to parody an old saying. It is very seldom you lift up a society paper without seeing some agonizing inquiry on the subject of visiting cards, for instance. — The Lady

The sOCIAL MIRROR

The following is from The Lady, a society journal of London, which is an acknowledged authority on social manners, and is published in the Social Mirror at the request of a number of our prominent society ladies:

The fashion of manners and etiquette is almost as fickle as that of dress. What is this year's meat is next year's poison, to parody an old saying. It is very seldom you lift up a society paper without seeing some agonizing inquiry on the subject of visiting cards, for instance.

There are endless, ever-changing fads about these tiresome bits of pasteboard, so I will try to give a few general hints; it is impossible to do more.

A question I often see asked is, which corner of a card is it necessary to bend to signify you have left it yourself? It is by no means imperative for you to bend any, but it is considered rather a smart thing to do so to the right-hand bottom corner.

The other day I heard a discussion on the vexed question as to whether you can send visiting cards by post; and a reliable authority settled that point that in no case is it permissible, with the two exceptions of a P. P. C. or a condolence card. There was an attempt a few years ago to permit bachelors to send cards, instead of calling after a bit, but the card had to be sent the next day, or the rule became void. However, it is not considered good “ton” now. 

If a man is not blessed with any female relative to take his card with theirs, then the only alternative is to call himself often a most difficult achievement in the case of business and professional men, who naturally grudge spending a hard-earned holiday in paying the stately call. But society has its rites which demand observance. I think I need hardly say that under no circumstances is it allowable to send your cards in by the servant. A well-trained domestic would of course suppress them; but mistakes are made in the best regulated families. If you are calling after a dinner party or ball, leave your cards in the hall on the way out; but if your call is merely an “at home” one, then your cards are quite unnecessary.

Then another question, which is a thorn in the side of many hostesses, is whether it is correct to introduce at an afternoon call. Many fashionable women insist upon doing it still, and there others, equally high up the social plane, who argue the fact of people meeting at their house is sufficient guarantee and introduction But I think the happy medium is hit by a hostess using her own judgment and tact. 

A shy, nervous visitor requires a few kindly words of introduction to put her or him, as the case may be, at ease. Then, if there are two people of congenial tastes separated by the length of the room, a discriminating hostess would somehow contrive that they should be brought together and started on the subject dearest to their hearts; but such a conversation does not warrant any further intimacy unless mutually desired. 

And for the benefit of debutantes and pushing bachelors, I may here add that an introduction at a public ball does not necessarily entail a further acquaintance. The small habits and details which tend to produce society polish are so subtle as to be almost indescribable one glides into them, as it were, unconsciously. For instance, to profusely thank a servant for handing you anything at a dinner party would stamp you at once as being somewhat “green” to society. 

The fact that the servant is there to wait upon you should be looked upon as a right, and accepted accordingly, quietly and easily. Then the hospitable old habit, which was considered the acme of all that was polite, oppressing your guests to take more than was good for them, has quite gone out. It makes one shudder to think of the agonies of indigestion suffered by our ancestors in the cause of “good manners.”

The art of making friends welcome without any ostentations or fuss is one of the first laws to be learned in the manners of today. This requires great niceness of discrimination and judgment, and illustrates in some way what I mean by the world “subtle.”

One of the strangest freaks fashion ever indulged in is the handshake so popular during the two past seasons, the arm from the elbow to the wrist being held quite stiff and almost perpendicular and the hand on a level with the face, which only permits of the most limited action. A glance at one of Du Maurier's drawing-room scenes will show you the correct attitude at once; but my advice to those who have not gone in for it is, “Don't!” as, having touched the grotesque, it is on the wane. Some people grasp these changes quickly, and for them it is easy, but to many it is a truly laborious effort to do something this year diametrically opposed to what they did last.

Smiles, in his book on “Character,” says that “a good manner is the art of showing outwardly the inward respect we have for others.” And the instincts of a kind heart are really worth more than all the conventional rules ever made. Still, the latter have a power of their own in the world of society, and cannot be ignored.— Humboldt Times, 1910

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Etiquette for Addressing a Widow

Maureen Eleva Reardon’s columns and advice were called “The new etiquette” back in the mid 1970’s…

Q. When a person's husband is deceased, is it proper to use the name “Mrs. John Smith?” Mrs. F. W., Fort Smith? Wayne, Ind.

A. That's the customary way of doing it. The main alternate would be for Mrs. Smith to call herself “Mrs. Mary Smith.” It's not a good alternative since that combination has generally come to mean that a woman is divorced. The woman could also call herself “Ms. Mary Smith” if she preferred. I like “Mrs. John Smith” better.

When to use the term "Mrs. John Smith" is another question. It's sensible for a woman to identify herself as “Mary Smith” in social conversation, since her name is, after all, “Mary” and not “John.” She might add “My husband was the late John Smith” if the explanation is necessary.

Business dealings are another matter. If all of the family's accounts have been in her husband's name, for instance, she may find that she must identify herself as “Mrs. John Smith” to avoid the wrath of the computers.- By Maureen Eleva Reardon, 1974

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

When the Widowed Remarry

We're delighted to let you know that we'll be married October 12 at 11 a.m. at the First Methodist Church. It would help make our day if you could come to the ceremony, and to the wedding brunch at the Comstock Hotel. Please don't bring a gift... your good wishes are sufficient.

Q. I am a middle-aged widow marrying a widower. We will have a small informal church wedding inviting close friends and relatives. My etiquette book says that the invitation should be personal notes. I would like a sample wording of such a note from you. Also, we would like to include a “no gifts please” note. Would this be aсceptable?  P.R., Fort Worth, Texas.

A. Your invitation might read something like this: 

Dear Mary and Tom:

We're delighted to let you know that we'll be married October 12 at 11 a.m. at the First Methodist Church. It would help make our day if you could come to the ceremony, and to the wedding brunch at the Comstock Hotel. Please don't bring a gift... your good wishes are sufficient.

Pam and Joe

You will note that I recommend that the invitation be extended by both you and your fiancé. The traditional way is to have the woman. write, extend and accept all invitations. The start of a marriage is a good time to start eliminating this archaic custom.- By Maureen Eleva Reardon, 1974

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

“Duty Dancing” Dilemma

When the wife, hostess and dinner partner are three separate persons, it’s more complicated... sort of like choosing between three dentists. We’ll obviously have to rule out the hostess…

Q. At a large dinner party, who should the gentleman dance with first, second, third wife, hostess, dinner partner? - Mrs. L. G., Miami Beach, Fla.

A. Lucky the man whose wife is both dinner partner and hostess, for he doesn't have the problem of deciding which duty dance to dance first.

When the wife, hostess and dinner partner are three separate persons, it's more complicated... sort of like choosing between three dentists. We'll obviously have to rule out the hostess, since all the men in the room can't dance with her at once.

Presuming that the party you are talking about is a formal arrangement, then every wife would have a dinner partner to dance with her. Everybody could dance with their dinner partners. This circumvents the problem of men having to search out their wives. I assume that the room won't be full of touchy wives who feel neglected because they didn't get the first dance with their husbands. - By Maureen Eleva Reardon, 1974

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Some 1930’s Etiquette Advice

 

Dating service from 1936:  Girls, find out the aversions of your escort. Your chance of winning more than an escort may be increased.

For Women Only

Probably men are just as much annoyed at the actions of the women whom they are entertaining as are the women at the men. They, too, fear to find much fault.

• A man does not like the use of the lipstick in public- especially at the restaurant table.
• He does not like the girl to offer him food from her plate.
• He does not like her to take her own fork and help him to something from her plate. Maybe the morsel, to him, is the sweeter because of where it came from, but he does not like such demonstration in public.
• He resents her use of the comb at table.
• Perhaps he does not admire too much rouge.

 Girls, find out the aversions of your escort. Your chance of winning more than an escort may be increased.

Odoriferous Foods

I once heard a young man say, “I should care whether my girl friend likes onions or not. If I want to eat onions, I eat them. If she doesn't like it, she knows what she can do.”

Such a person is the personification of selfishness. The poor girl may be helpless. She has no other boyfriend a the present time, and is forced to go out with Jack, who chooses to eat onions that evening. No one wants to be accused of having halitosis. Eating onions is courting a form of halitosis which is really more objectionable than the unavoidable kind, because the implied discourtesy irritates.

It is discourteous to order at a restaurant any food which through its odor may disturb others at table. Such foods are strong cheese, onions, chives, garlic. - From “Manners for Millions,” by Sophie C. Hadida, 1936

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia