Early European Rules of Conduct

A physician and a religious reformer, “Arnaud de Villaneuve, explained the role of sobriety and moderation in alleviating dullness and lassitude.” He lived from c. 1240–1311.
– Public domain image source, Wikipedia 

Some of the guidelines for good manners sprang from sound principles of health and safety. For example, Petrus Alphonsi's admonition about chewing thoroughly before swallowing is sensible advice to prevent choking. For the conclusion of the meal, he admonished: “After eating, ask for hand-water, for this is required by medical teaching and it is the decent and easy thing to do.” A fourteenth-century treatise on dining by Arnaud de Villaneuve, a physician and chemist from Montpellier, France, explained the role of sobriety and moderation in alleviating dullness and lassitude.

One author of a courtesy book, Francesc Eiximenis, a Franciscan friar from Catalonia, inveighed strongly against gobbling food and drinking too much. Chapters 29 thru 37 of his text covers rules of conduct similar to those of Bonvesin. Concerning women, Eiximenes thought it best to sit beside rather than opposite a lady. He warned about spraying other diners with food, picking the teeth, and over doing compliments to the host. He suggested that guests go to the toilet to rid the body of gas before sitting down at table. Serving with style and avoiding rude behavior during meals was, to Eiximenis, a form of patriotism — A way of elevating Catalonia among other European states.

In Germany, Tischzuchten (table etiquette guides), including author Sebastian Brant’s satiric “Das Narrenschiff” (Ship of Fools, 1454) established the importance of propriety at table, including hand washing before meals. Renaissance guides moved from simple admonitions against unseemly behavior in serving and dining towards matters of deference to lords and ladies. Unlike medieval etiquette specialists, Baldassare Castiglione, author of Il Libro del Cortegiano (The Book of the Coutier, 1528), emphasized grace and elegance over pragmatism. 

One mark of elegance was the male diner’s spreading of his napkin over one shoulder as opposed to the female custom of covering the lap. Less pretentious and status conscious was the Dutch humanist scholar Erasmus, who published De Civiltate Morum Puerilium (On Civility in Boys in 1530), which took up such matters as the wiping of greasy fingers and blowing the nose at table.

To avoid excesses and indignities, the English consulted such texts as Youth's Behavior, or Decency in Conversation Among Men, 1640, an anonymous work that remained a handy touchstone into the time of George Washington. The first printed guide, The Fine Gentleman’s Etiquette; or Lord Chesterfield’s Advice to His Son Verified, 1776, established pecking order between underlings and their superiors who could retaliate against discourtesy with a vengeance or ostracism. In 1800, Domestic Management offered such instruction to the house wife as to how to improve servants' manners. 

The footman, according to the text, should learn to open lobster claws in the kitchen rather than in the view of the dining room door. Gradually, the rules of proper behavior trickled down to the middle class via such books as Etiquette, or A Guide to the Usages of Society, 1836, which offered warnings against vulgarity or improprieties that would offend their betters. Thus, newcomers to wealth learned how to conceal their social inexperience. –From Encyclopedia of Kitchen History - Mary Ellen Snodgrass, 2004

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Beauty Parlor Tipping

While it is customary to tip in large shops where the service is more or less impersonal, in a small shop where the owner does all the work and the service is more personal, a tip might offend rather than please. 

Q. — How does one tip gracefully in a beauty parlor, when and what does one say at the time? High as shampoos are, I resent tipping anyhow, but understand one does in this city anyway. 

A. —As for tipping, I don't believe it requires either grace or conversation. The tip is given when a service has been performed and it is not necessary for the giver to say anything. While it is customary to tip in large shops where the service is more or less impersonal, in a small shop where the owner does all the work and the service is more personal, a tip might offend rather than please. 

In both cases many patrons prefer to express their appreciation by gifts now and then, but only when they go to the same operators all the time. — From the Log of Life, 1943

🪞Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia💇🏻‍♀️

Basic Flight Etiquette and Courtesy

Our resident travel etiquette guru, Elizabeth Soós of Auersmont School of Etiquette, is traveling again. So I asked if so would share some of her favorite etiquette tips for when flying. Her advice is below…

Looks like you made it! You have gone through all the necessary checks and now you can relax into your chair and watch those movies you haven’t had a chance to watch on Netflix because you have been so busy. Well, you will in a minute or two…

What Is Plane Etiquette?

As you walk down the jet bridge to the plane don’t forget to practice your smile and think about what you will say to airline crew. We can walk through without even thinking, being pleasant and welcoming as the crew are to you will help you when you need it. Don’t use this greeting just upon entering but to the crew inside that are waiting to help before departing.

So, you have found your seat, great! Now, place your cabin luggage in the overhead locker and stow your bag under the seat in front. If you have the window seat, then it will be more effiencnt for everyone in your row to be seated. If you have the aisle seat, then be ready to jump up to allow passenger to get seated. Once you are seated and clicked in your seat belt, take the time to review safety instructions, no matter how often you travel. Traveling through Samoa, I met an ex-flight attendant who explained the most terrifying story. Working for a Hawaiian islands based airlines, part of its roof tore off mid-air, due to the major turbulence within the cabin she was thrown around, today she lives with serious back issues.

Interestingly, one of the announcements was one I had never heard before: It was this, “Ladies and gentlemen, we kindly remind you to respect the privacy of our customers and crew. Please do not take photos or record videos of other passengers or staff without their permission.” That was not just a new point to remember, but a valid one. Please be kind enough to listen to all announcements, you never know, it may save your life!

Plane Seat Etiquette

Once the plane has gained altitude, the seat belt light is switched off, then please do what you need to, just remember staff will be walking swiftly in, preparing to serve food, if there is a meal which will be served, and/or drinks to make the flight more bearable. When travelling long distance, I use this time to catch up on the latest movies which helps me stay in my seat, taking breaks every couple of hours going for a walk and stretching, while sipping bottled water.

I recently was on a 7-hour flight from Thailand to Reunion and I had to be sitting next to the two most incontinent people on the flight. Every hour on the hour the couple would quickly go to the toilet and darting back again. I would have to gather up my pillow and blanket, press pause on the movie, remove headphones, then move out from my chair each and every time. I would have rather them leave every couple of hours and take longer to get back rather than getting up and down like a kangaroo. If you feel uncomfortable or restless take time out from your seat for 30 minutes every 2 hours, walk and stretch and keep hydrated, this will help your body feel relaxed.

Middle Seat Etiquette

I make it a point before paying for my ticket to make sure that I am not in the middle seat for long haul flights. If you are sitting in the middle chair, then you have the difficult job of making sure of a few things. One - you are not leaning on anyone whilst sleeping. Two - that your legs and feet are not going over into the space of those window or aisle side and that you are sharing the armrests with those beside you. Three - Try to stay upright while sleeping, rather than sliding sideways and resting yourself on a stranger, it won’t be appreciated and you will be pushed back. Also, it will be your job to move to the side if the person, window side, needs to use the amenities. It’s not easy being in the middle!

Chair and Armrest Etiquette

What is the etiquette for armrests and reclining your chair? Arm rests are interesting. Some people like to lean on armrests and some like to keep to themselves. I would say sharing is best if you are both armrest leaners. The better time to recline your chair is after food has been served and then cleared. The person at the back of you doesn’t want to have their tray table cutting into their ribs because you have reclined your seat early, show consideration. Crew will turn off lights and that is your sign to recline your chair, not before. Upon reclining, it gives people around you the signal you are ready to relax.

In-Flight Meal Etiquette

I have found on different carriers they will serve food to match their cultural roots. For example, Air India will service curries or biryani or Thai Airways, pad kra pao or massaman curry. I look forward to what is served, there are four main seating classes, and each will have its own food service and choices or the absence of choice. Use your dining etiquette when eating which means not eating with your mouth open and keeping eating noises as non-existent as possible. Always keep your area clean which includes your tray table and ground.

Hygiene Etiquette When Flying

Never have feet up, especially bare feet or in dirty shoes, or on people seats, back of seats or hanging out in the aisle. If you have long hair, make sure that is not hanging over or between the seats, place it into a bun. It really makes it uncomfortable for people. If you want to freshen up, it’s best not to do it at your table. Go to the restroom. 

Do you feel bloated and gaseous when flying? Well, you are not imagining it, Boyle’s Law is when pressure decreases, gases expand and you may have abdominal discomfort. When you are feeling like this head for the lavatory. The cubicle although small, if packed with goodies such as toothbrushes and paste, female hygiene products, and even the airlines ‘scent’. Why not freshen up, wipe your face, reapply make-up, brush hair and teeth and apply deodorant. Avoid doing this when it’s time to land or directly after a meal, there will be a line of impatient guests.

Exiting The Plane

Beep, Beep… “we will be commencing our descent shortly”, thank goodness! The flight is nearly over, again you will need to listen to the instructions and tidy up. Once the aircraft has landed, wait for the signal to stand and pull out cabin baggage cautiously. Wait patiently and don’t push your way to freedom and fresh air, although you might want to. When walking down the aisles, I am shocked when passing through business or premium class, how messy and littered these areas become. Paying more doesn’t mean lowering standards. Staff will regularly sweep through assisting guests to dispose of their rubbish, why not use that time to clean up around you, it takes less than 30 seconds. Before exiting the plan say goodbye to staff the same way you did when boarding and thank them for a safe flight.

Happy holidays or enjoy the rest of your onward journey.

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Poor Table Manners are Unacceptable

“A man is embarrassed to be seen in smart places with a girl who holds a loaded fork in mid-air as she talks, keeps her arms crudely propped on the table.” — Above… One arm and both elbows on the table? Fork up in the air with food on it? Slouchy posture? She seems so blithely unaware that from his posture and his facial expression, he lost interest a while ago!

Poor Manners at Table to Be Deplored

You may not think your escort would notice a “little thing” like your table manners. But make a slip or two and watch his opinion of you go down! A man is embarrassed to be seen in smart places with a girl who holds a loaded fork in mid-air as she talks, keeps her arms crudely propped on the table.

But unless you're familiar with the rules, it’s hard to know what to do. Perhaps you wonder whether you should drink from your bouillon cup. Yes, you may. Use a spoon until the broth is cool enough. But never break crackers into your soup. Croutons or tiny bits of toast may be dropped in whole.

What to do when a hostess offers you a dish you don't care for? Don't speak of your dislike. Take a small quantity and, if necessary, leave it on your plate. With etiquette to guide you, even minor mishaps won’t upset your poise. Should you get a bone or fruit seed in your mouth, you inconspicuously drop it into your cupped hand. And, of course, you’ll never use your napkin as a screen.

Be perfectly sure of yourself when dining out. — From "Good Table Manners" in the Press-Telegram Home Service, 1940

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

To Make-Up at Table? Or Not?

A subtle touch up of powder to take away face shine and freshening of lipstick does not mean adding lip liner, lip gloss and eye make-up…

Is it proper to touch up your shiny nose and your lipstick at the table when you're dining out? Most etiquette experts say a discreet dab of powder and lipstick is fine and might even be a trace alluring, but a major repair job belongs in the ladies' room. 

A subtle touch up of powder to take away face shine and freshening of lipstick does not mean adding lip liner, lip gloss and eye make-up, though. Remember, make-up should remain a mystery to the observer. —By Aileen Arthur, The Desert Sun, 1983

💄Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia💋

1940’s U.S. Beauty Culture

“Personally, I view with admiration and interest, rather than disapproval, the urge of modern girls of early teen age, to be both beautiful and attractive, regardless of nature's endowments. Theirs is the age when Mother Nature has a way of making girls looks-conscious, but not until to- day have they had opportunity to do anything about it. How they take advantage of that opportunity depends on the understanding, interest and cooperation of their mothers…” — A teenaged girl, babysitting a younger sibling in 1943, wears flowers in her hair to add to nature’s endowments. I wonder if her mother approved? 🤔🌼

It's taken just about a quarter of a century for woman to prove that nature can be improved upon. Thanks to the evolution of beauty culture, facial make-up, attractive hair styling and figure control have come into their own. Take a look back to the “Gay Nineties,” which were really not gay in the modern manner. Those were the days of sallow females, stringy or crimped tresses and figures that needed attention.

Personally, I view with admiration and interest, rather than disapproval, the urge of modern girls of early teen age, to be both beautiful and attractive, regardless of nature's endowments. Theirs is the age when Mother Nature has a way of making girls looks-conscious, but not until to-day have they had opportunity to do anything about it. How they take advantage of that opportunity depends on the understanding, interest and cooperation of their mothers.

The young, modern mother, who is going out this week with her junior high school daughter of 14, to purchase the right kind of soap, puff and lotion that are both pleasing and perfect, and becoming face powder, rouge and lipstick of good make is a good example how both nature and mothers can be improved on. — From “The Log of Life” column in the San Pedro News Pilot, 1943

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Airport Etiquette

Our resident travel etiquette guru, Elizabeth Soós of Auersmont School of Etiquette, is traveling again. So I asked if so would share some of her favorite etiquette tips for when at the airport. Her advice is below…

You have chosen and bought tickets to your dream destination, and you cannot wait to start your holidays, relax, and completely disconnect from everything... but can you? With proper preparation and by remaining punctual, you’ll be able to breathe easily and enjoy your trip from the get-go. 

Before you even leave home you, of course, checked your bag to see if you have your passport. When you finally get to the airport in peak-time traffic, you are herded through security, having to pack and unpack, pulling out your boarding pass repeatedly, not the experience you want to start with! Going on holidays or traveling for business has its own set of guidelines, even at the airport. Here is what you need to know.

What Is Airport Etiquette?

Part of it is proper preparation. If you want a smooth, hassle free experience, make sure you have these items in a folder ready to-go: A valid and up-to-date or in-date passport, visa, insurance, travel itinerary and driver’s license or other similar ID. You never know what the check-in officer will ask. Recently, I quickly realized that I may need an e-visa, thanks to the recent shift in geo-politics. Realizing this, I was breaking out in cold-sweat. Fortunately, the check-in officer never asked for a visa. I was traveling to France and required to purchase a e-visa if I was staying over 90 days, I was staying a little over 30 days. That was a narrow escape!

Before leaving home make sure you weigh your baggage one or twice. Airlines take pleasure in making money from your overweight suitcase to beat the money drain, pre-buy extra weight or leave a 1kg-500g margin of error when it comes to your luggage weight. This has been drummed into me at my expense. When travelling from developing nations, checking the weight of your baggage becomes main point of contention and some countries don’t allow you to pay via credit card! Also make sure that any liquids are placed in your luggage and not your carry-on, you do not want to throw out that expensive hand lotion you just purchased.

Airport Dress-Clothing Etiquette

Take a good look of yourself in the mirror…I am here to tell you that a neat and well-arranged outfit is defiantly “the go-to” flight and airport outfit. Leave the tracksuit and the Pilates pants in the suitcase. Being well dressed shows that you are a seasoned traveller and if anything goes wrong, you look credible and serious. It could be that you wear comfortable, ironed pants, a sleeved top with a jacket or jumper with an immaculate bag and clean shoes. It could be jeans with a shirt and clean, white sneakers. Keep it simple but chic.

You have now got your boarding tickets safely between the pages of your passport and you have directly put it in your bag. That prevents loss and scamming. Now it is time to relax….Well, we are not there yet!

Airport Security Etiquette

Passing through passport control your next crucial step. It’s always important to act respectfully and refrain from alarming the staff. Stay mindful of those around you who most likely will be concerned about your frame of mind and security. I remember going on my first trip back to Pakistan after marriage. I must have looked so tired and was asked a question by a member of immigration personnel, which didn’t really register with me. This led him to ask me if I was comfortable going back to Pakistan. Realizing the stir I was causing, I promptly smiled and said that I had been to Pakistan many times and found it a great place to travel. Crisis adverted!

Take time to walk around looking at duty-free products and casually siting where your gate is located. It will help with the hours of sitting that you must do once you board. Go and eat and drink something small. If you like plane food, then avoid eating too much. I remember sitting around a table in Mayotte discussing Air Austral’s new “gourmet” invention, dubbed by travelers, “the pizz-wich”. It is a pizza sandwich, much to the horror of French food sensibilities. I found a lot of hilarity in watching the reactions of French flyers, who were both disgusted and amused when talking about this 2-in-1 food item.

Airport Lounge Etiquette

If you have enough points or purchased an airport lounge access, then enter and remember to use your time waiting mindfully. Airport lounges are great place to relax and are meant to make you feel like you are possibly in a hotel and not a stuffy, boring airport. Don’t over-drink or go crazy at the bar (noticeable intoxication can mean you’ll probably be visited by the sky marshal or airport police). 

Lounges provide all types of amenities from food and beverage services to shower service and nap stations. Lounges are wonderful if you want to freshen up early, so that when you step off the plane you are ready to walk straight into that business meeting you’re headed to. Regularly check the time to get to your gate before boarding. Take out any items that you need close to you when sitting down in your allocated seat, then lock your case or your cabin bag, for security, as the boarding hustle will start just in a few moments…

You hear the announcement that you will soon board. Be aware that on larger planes, you will be asked to board section by section. This is where you will truly use your etiquette and politeness. Allow those who are accompanying the elderly, or those with young children, or who are wheelchair bound to board and be seated first. Airlines want you to listen because it actually makes sense. Allow the ones who are seated at the back of the plane then enter first. If boarding goes smoothly, it becomes a quicker board time, and the plane gets to leave earlier. This is a plus, especially if you have a connecting flight.

Be not only the savvy traveler, but the elegant traveler, too. Make it comfortable for everyone including yourself!

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

One Chinese President’s History

His post as President of the Republic was one of honor, not of power. Etiquette and ceremony in Chinese public and private life have been matters of moment for centuries that transcend memory. Lin Sen received ambassadors. He swapped greetings with foreign governments and not infrequently with President Roosevelt.— Public domain image of Lin Sen, President of China since 1931 courtesy of Wikipedia 

A Chinese Sage

Lin Sen, President of China since 1931, made no great noise in the world throughout his lifetime. His post as President of the Republic was one of honor, not of power. Etiquette and ceremony in Chinese public and private life have been matters of moment for centuries that transcend memory. Lin Sen received ambassadors. He swapped greetings with foreign governments and not infrequently with President Roosevelt. He was rigidly honest. He had few relatives and was guilty of no nepotism. He was an early member of the Kuomintang, an active opponent of the once famous Yuan Shihkai. He held a number of offices in his long career and had come to be one of the political elders, but his personal traits are more engaging than his official work.

At first a pupil of American missionaries, he got an excellent worldly education by living in San Francisco. He spoke English well, tempered with American slang and combining American with Chinese humor. He had the tastes of an artist. One of his favorite studies was the handwriting of the ancient Chinese sages. He turned the ground story of a medieval tower into a studio. There he spent many quiet hours, brushing onto sheets of bamboo paper the antique characters.

In Nanking before the war his goatee, black cape and gray felt hat were familiar to everybody, respected by everybody. By the dealers in curios he was revered; not so much as a client as because of his acknowledged taste. Whatever article he praised was at once promoted in rank and price. For all the troubles that he saw or took part in, his must have been a fortunate and tranquil life. He was thoroughly democratic. He never would consent to a bodyguard. In his last years at Chungking he rode about in the same reliable black sedan that was a well-known "property" in the scenery of Nanking. "There goes the old man," said the people of Nanking. And his greetings to his people was noticeable for its slight West Coast twang.— Coronado Eagle and Journal, 1943

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia