Etiquette and E. Azalia Smith Hackley

Emma Azalia Smith Hackley was an extremely accomplished, African American woman. A teacher, newspaper editor, concert soprano, and a political activist, she promoted racial pride through her support and promotion of music education for African Americans. Her book, “The Colored Girl Beautiful,” published in 1916, was said to have been written as a a "how to" of sorts, for becoming a refined African American lady. She died in Detroit in 1922 at the age of 54. —Public domain image of Emma Azalia Smith Hackley 

The Colored Woman Beautiful

In spite of everything to be said on the subject the womanly woman is always the strongest magnet whether she is called beautiful or not.

If the colored girl has not been taught by her mother or guardian to train herself for a beautiful maturity even after she has passed girlhood, it is not too late to train herself.

Good begets good, so she will exert herself to make a wide circle of friends altho she will be careful not to grow too intimate with any. She may be a real friend without undue intimacy.

It is conceded that most women "must talk" to someone but too much intimacy means too much freedom and this often destroys friendship.

One cannot argue, quarrel, or criticize and still expect real friendship. One definition of a friend is, "One you know all about and still like." One should not try to "make her friends over" and one never says disagreeable things to her friends nor does she make unfavorable comments about their personal attire or weaknesses. She lets her friends learn all unpleasant things from others. "The links of the chain of friendship are held by a very delicate thread." The tiniest word, doubt or action may sever the links.

The colored woman beautiful will try to love that she may be loved. She believes that "man is his brother's keeper" and she has ideals and visions for the race. She has a moral obligation; she reaches out a helping hand to others. She can mix without being mixed. We can not help others unless we mix. There must be close contact-touch to lift up others.

The colored woman beautiful believes that everyone who gets up must pull up, or else she will be kept down by the weight of the racial burden. Each one's welfare is closely bound with that of the masses. The race as a whole must progress and prosper, or else no unit may prosper. The colored woman beautiful gives the best in her for race advancement. She works, thinks, and reads to be ready for the need of the tomorrow and its problems.

The colored woman beautiful will not carry "chips on her shoulder," looking for slights and insults. If she carries the thought too strongly it becomes catching and someone will take up the idea. She will set into motion lesser vibrations in the minds and bodies of others and the things she imagines will happen.

She should resist thoughts of suspicion. She must not think about the things she wishes to keep secret, for thoughts are contagious.

The colored woman beautiful does not call another woman "bad" just because she does not measure up to her ethical code. She must be so persistent in being good herself that everyone else seems to look and act good. If God loves the lowest, she can afford to do likewise. She follows the rule, "Judge not that ye be not judged." She does not make the mistake of criticising those who have not her strong will power, lest having stronger projection this unkindness may return swift and sure to her. To permit the absent to be disparaged or depreciated in her presence is almost as harmful to herself as if she had said things.

What is "good" in (another) woman? What is "bad" in (another) woman? These are two difficult questions to answer and a woman must not judge by her own standard for herself. Women are inclined to be too narrow in their viewpoint in judging other women. While one may boast of her virtue of virtues some women may have a bundle of lesser virtues of which to boast. It takes more than one virtue to make a good woman. Many women are unduly vain of their escape from the "sin of sins" and some of these may have known no temptation.

When one notes how many good friends a so-called "bad" woman may have, one wonders why it is. Those who understand the law of vibrations recognize that the woman has projected something of herself which has brought her a rich return in spite of her one weakness.

It is a terrible thing to be a bad example along any line to young girls, so every colored woman should try to conquer herself and live down any weakness or error. She should give out the best that is in her that she may be a good example to younger women. She lets the light of love and purity shine in her face and transform it, and it will reflect in the faces of others and make her own soul the happier.— From, “The Colored Girl Beautiful,” by Emma Azalia Smith Hackley, 1916

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Ethiopian Emperor

“The official reception was conducted with formal court etiquette that required each couple to bow or curtsy upon entering the throne room, to bow or curtsy again half way across as they approached the Emperor, and to bow or curtsy a final time when they were presented to this dignified personage who is the Elect of God, Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Judah, King of Zion, Negusa Nagast (King of Kings) and Emperor of Ethiopia.” — Public domain image of Ethiopian Emperor, Haile Selassie

Trailers Intrigue Emperor

One of the most interesting tales the Africa Caravanners who are pioneering with Wally Byam from Capetown to Cairo in their Airstream Land Yachts are going to tell when they get back will be about their official reception at the Imperial Palace of Ethiopia's Emperor, Haile Selassie.

This was conducted with formal court etiquette that required each couple to bow or curtsy upon entering the throne room, to bow or curtsy again half way across as they approached the Emperor, and to bow or curtsy a final time when they were presented to this dignified personage who is the Elect of God, Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Judah, King of Zion, Negusa Nagast (King of Kings) and Emperor of Ethiopia.

After the presentation, champagne was served to the Caravanners and His Imperial Majesty asked to talk to various couples. He was most interested to learn just who these people were and why they had worked so hard to get over primitive camel trail "roads" to visit his country.

THE CARAVANNERS explained that they had no connection with the U.S. government except to pay their taxes, and that they had come entirely as tourists, just to meet the Ethiopian people and see their country.

AS A PARTING salute to Ethiopia, before they headed north to Khartoum, the Caravanners entertained Haile Selassie at the Caravan encampment. The ladies of the Caravan baked up batches of their favorite cookies, brewed pots of coffee, and iced up coke for the youngsters. His Majesty toured the whole camp and asked to visit in about 12 of the 36 Land Yachts parked at the Royal Race Track. — Long Beach Telegram, 1960

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette?: “But this is California!“

There is a Disneyland and Disney Resort Etiquette list, requiring appropriate attire be worn for the Disney Parks. You can find a copy here: 

Disneyland and Disney Resort Etiquette

An early souvenir photograph from the Submarine ride, of two couples enjoying an afternoon at Disneyland, in the late 1950’s. — image source, Etiquipedia private library.

“There isn't a separate etiquette book for California. We're part of the human race, too…”

Every time I have devoted this space to scholarly remarks about tourists, I have been brought under fire via the U. S. Mail. Great literary violence has been heaped upon my head by members of the sunglasses and flowing shirt tail set.

The latest episode was different in only one respect. If you will recall, a few weeks ago I remarked about hideous appearance of so-called sports who travel to Catalina Island. As usual, many of my fans here at the paper stuck their heads inside the door to give me Bronx cheers and other forms of invective, but this time the mail brought a pleasant departure.

A charming lady named Grace Seiger Walton took the time to write a letter and say that she agreed with my viewpoint. I'd like to share parts of her letter with you today.

"My husband and I had just returned from four days over there across the channel and were just fascinated by the variety of 'sport' attire. My good spouse took a sport coat (and wore it) in spite of the fact that I kept warning him that he would look like a freak to the rest of the visitors. So you see - your article brought us much mirth and we immediately recalled the couple coming into the little bar at the St. Catherine in their swim suits. Boy times have changed over there!"

MRS. WALTON continued: "But my real purpose in writing is to mention if you think the people in Avalon look like a bunch of ill-dressed clowns you evidently have not been to Disneyland lately!

"That by far is the most complete array of sartorial disgust that I have ever seen gathered in one community. It would take a ream of paper to commentate on the combinations we saw over there last week. But, one couple (dames) fat-ish, forty-ish, giddy-ish - dressed in short-shorts with more showing than Sally Rand ever let show beyond her fans."

You are correct in your assumption, dear lady, that I have not been to Disneyland yet. I've been saving that for a time when my spirits are at a low ebb. Usually, I can pick out enough sloppy attire on the streets of Long Beach to fill this column adequately.

However, I would add that I HAVE been to Knott's Berry Farm several times. The most recent trip was a few weeks ago when my wife and I went there for dinner with our two small nieces.

“DON’T MOW YOUR LAWN!
Forget it! It’ll only need cutting again next week.
Instead, bring your family to Disneyland
now. You’ll have fun, and so will they!” —
So reads a newspaper advertisement for Disneyland from 1958. It features a cantankerous looking Donald Duck, and was placed in the paper next to this very article. Presumably, Disneyland wanted you to visit, but just not wearing the same clothes you were going to mow the lawn in! 

Something for the Boys:

Ol' Ted Finds Ally in Tourist Battle

All I can say is that I KNOW what you MEAN! I haven't seen such a collection in years.

It seems to me that the management at Knott's used to frown on women frequenting the establishment while attired in shorts -but those days evidently are gone forever. Women of all shapes and sizes stroll the area, showing much more skin than sense. And the men? Well, most of them look like in they've just been rescued from a sinking at sea!

We ate in the big dining room-where they serve the chicken dinners and I am forced to admit that the state of dress of most of the patrons reminded me of pictures I have seen of meal time at Devil's Island!

I REALIZE that by saying this I am making myself a target for more jibes by the dirty-fingernail-and-uncut-hair set, but I can't understand how people with an ounce of pride in their make- up will be seen in public in such ratty attire.

I'm all for comfort. I don't think you have to wear a business suit for a visit to Disneyland or Knott's or Catalina. There are clothes made expressly for such trips they are called sport clothes. There's nothing wrong with them, they look wonderful under these circumstances. And most bona-fide sport outfits include a coat for men!

This isn't a quirk on my part - it's just common decency, good manners.

"But this is California!" the alibi artists will wail. To which I reply, "So WHAT?" There isn't a separate etiquette book for California. We're part of the human race, too. And I stand by my guns - I don't care WHO a man is, if he isn't dressed neatly, I know WHAT he is… he's a SLOB! — By Ted Krec, for the Long Beach Independent, 1958

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Excitement at “Le Bal”

Debutantes of Old in White, Readying to Meet Royalty — To make one’s “debut,” or to enter into society, has its roots in the Royal Court of France. By the reign of Britain’s King George III, Queen Charlotte started a tradition of introducing and presenting the young aristocratic women of court to society. Known as “Debutantes” from Queen Victoria’s reign in 1837 and on, there was strict etiquette to follow regarding proper costume for court presentations; Fashionable evening dresses with head-dresses of veiling, feathers and a train trailing the dress from the waist. Long, white kid gloves, pretty fans or fragrant bouquets added to the look and offered a bit of diversity in look for the young debutantes. Fashion and etiquette have evolved over the years, however the excitement, pomp and ceremony remain the highlight of a young woman’s entrance to society.

Le Bal des Débutantes Paris’ Etiquette:

The Dos, Don’ts & the Couture

Le Bal is coming! On November 28, 2026, at the Shanghai-La Paris Hotel, a new group of Debutantes and their Cavaliers will gather — and yes, I’ll be watching. 

Le Bal takes inspiration from the traditional Debutante ball, but the etiquette has evolved along with the fashion.

Historically, Debutantes were presented in white gowns, white gloves and tiaras. At modern Le Bal, each Deb is dressed by a couture or haute couture house, while her Cavalier wears traditional white tie.

So, what does Le Bal etiquette look like today?

DO: Embrace Individuality… The Debs aren't expected to look alike. Color, different silhouettes and distinctive couture allow each young woman to have her own moment.

DON'T: Automatically Choose Black or White. Unlike traditional Debutante presentations, Le Bal generally steers its Debs away from black and white.

 DO: Respect the Dress Code! The couture may be modern, but this is still an exceptionally formal occasion. The Cavaliers' traditional white tie is a perfect reminder that some dress codes haven't gone anywhere.

 DON'T: Confuse Formality With Being Old-Fashioned Etiquette is kinetic. It evolves. Le Bal keeps the ceremony and formality of the debutante tradition while allowing fashion to move forward.

DO: Remember Your Comportment
The gown may get you photographed, but how you carry yourself completes the look. Posture, introductions, conversation, dancing and gracious interaction with your fellow guests are all part of formal social etiquette. 

And then, of course, there are the gowns…Last year we saw Bronwyn Vance, daughter of Angela Bassett and Courtney B. Vance; Spanish royal Eulalia de Orleans-Borbón in Tony Ward; and Lady Araminta Spencer-Churchill in Armani Privé. And who could forget Apple Martin's Valentino moment?

Hollywood? Royalty? Aristocracy? Couture? November 28th can't come quickly enough! 

Who will debut? Who will dress them? And most importantly… What are they going to wear?!?

Meet our newest contributor, Eileen Copeland. Eileen is the founder of Southern California Etiquette™, a modern etiquette and social refinement platform which explores dining culture, hosting, presentation, and contemporary social behavior. A native Southern Californian, Eileen’s background includes executive and personal assisting, real estate, wellness, modeling, beauty, and luxury client services. Married for over 15 years, Eileen is a mother of two and grandmother of two, whose broad experiences, including living internationally for nearly a decade, helped shape her appreciation for culture, hospitality, and refined living. She shares life with her husband, her mini Goldendoodle, Teddy, and Luna, her sphynx cat, while continuing her etiquette studies under mentor Maura Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette.

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Edwardian Era Luncheon Etiquette

“Gentlemen, on the contrary, are expected to avail themselves of this proffered hospitality without ceremony, as the presence of a gentleman visitor at luncheon is considered an acquisition…” – Quote from A Member of the Aristocracy

Invitations to Luncheon

A week's notice is the longest usually given, very little notice being considered requisite.

Many hostesses give their friends carte blanche invitations to luncheon; but ladies as a rule seldom avail themselves of this façon de parler, as they consider it, and prefer to await a more direct form of invitation. 

Gentlemen, on the contrary, are expected to avail themselves of this proffered hospitality without ceremony, as the presence of a gentleman visitor at luncheon is considered an acquisition, the reason, perhaps, being that ladies are usually in the majority at luncheon, and also that the unexpected arrival of one or two ladies would call for a greater amount of attention on the part of a hostess seated at luncheon than would the unexpected arrival of gentlemen, ladies requiring especial attention to be shown to them in the matter of a place at table, etc., while gentlemen are ready to offer attention instead of requiring it, and to take any place at table, whether convenient or otherwise.

As a rule, the number of ladies present at luncheon greatly exceeds the number of gentlemen present, unless at a luncheon-party, when a hostess usually endeavours to equalise the numbers as far as possible; but it is not imperative for her to do this, and it is immaterial whether there are as many gentlemen as ladies present at luncheon or not.

Luncheon is a very useful institution to a mistress of a house, as it enables her to show a considerable amount of civility to her friends and acquaintances.

She can invite to luncheon those it might not, for various reasons, be convenient to invite to dinner; as for instance, young ladies, single ladies, elderly ladies, ladies coming to town, or into the neighbourhood for a few days only, and so on.

The usual rule in houses where there are children old enough to do so, is for the children to dine at luncheon with their governess, whether there are guests present or not. —Book of Manners and Rules of Good Society; or, Solecisms to be Avoided, by “A Member of the Aristocracy”

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette’s Values

Being Recognizably Respectful 
and Other Active Values

Your personal style, behaviors, and interactions reflect active values that you wear on your sleeve for all to see.  Far more than positive words alone, your consistency of kindness and cheerfulness will add to the efforts of “getting it right”—that is, of feeling good that others may well experience your politeness and civility, as recognizably respectful. 

What I love about the word etiquette-ful, is that it is accomplished in an intentionally self-selecting spirit.  Being an etiquette-ful person means that the individual chooses to be that person.  It is not an imposed state. My Etiquette Blog is meant entirely to offer ideas and suggestions. It is not to talk about etiquette or politeness in absolute terms. One can only imagine what it is like to live in someone else’s skin.

The words respect and consideration alone don’t necessarily inspire action.  How do you want people to feel about you or your organization?  Most likely you want to be seen as actively living the things that you value.  You want your active values to be apparent.

Have you ever written a personal mission statement for your life?  The company you own or work for is no doubt mission driven. Mission-driven organizations are values-oriented.  How about persons?  Do the values you hold reflect daily in all that you do? 

For fun, I took a look at Etiquette for the Business of Life’s Mission and Values Statement written some time ago.  I wanted to see if I was living the vision and values of my company, personally and professionally. My mission and values are:

• To promote a free and civil society by teaching/learning etiquette skills that empower individuals to cultivate a manner of mindfulness in social and professional interactions.
• To help others gain comfort and confidence in their professional/personal interactive skills of civility by aiming to offer the BEST version of themselves. 
• To live in active imagination always ready to answer the question, “What’s it like to be on the other side of me?”

Living Your Active Values

Now it’s your turn.

• Which active values serve and distinguish you as a person? 
• What are key ways in which you show up recognizably respectful?
• What question would you ask yourself as a test of where you are in the moment? 

Defining our beliefs, priorities, and what we value in living our days can only be demonstrated through our decisions and behavior.  And only you can be you.  We live and learn together and can, indeed strive to make it a better world.

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Holding Etiquette in Contempt and Awe

“One would have to be rather stupid, not to notice that a boy or girl who is at ease at a party usually has a better time than one who isn't. Good manners as a rule are synonymous with charm, allurement, distinction and tact.” — Marjorie Hillis, 1939

SOPHISTICATED YOUTH DEBUNKS ETIQUETTE

AH, blasé youth, with its ultra modern sophistication - how the youngsters take delight in holding etiquette up to contempt while standing in secret awe of it.

This contradiction in their make-up is nothing more than assumed bravado, a false front, a bluff to hide their own shortcomings. They think that by deliberately breaking the rules of good manners, they can escape the danger of doing the right thing wrong. For example, some youngsters would rather dart away without bidding their hostess good-bye than take the chance of doing a bad job of it.

The real tragedy is that these youngsters fail to realize how important a part etiquette plays in their lives. As Marjorie Hillis points out in her article, “Mind your P's and Q's,” in the March Good Housekeeping, etiquette - which is just another name for good manners - is as definite an asset as cash. 

Good manners are aids in getting jobs; they pave the way for the making of valuable contacts, and they give poise and confidence in these highly competitive times. One would have to be rather stupid, Miss Hillis says, not to notice that a boy or girl who is at ease at a party usually has a better time than one who isn't. Good manners as a rule are synonymous with charm, allurement, distinction and tact.

Etiquette is so easy to acquire, It can almost be had for the asking. The first step to get it is to buy a good etiquette book. Then sit down and study it, marking for extra consideration those problems you ought to look out for. Simply studying the rules, willy-nilly, is not enough, however; you must also learn the reasons behind the rules.

This policy of minding your P's and Q's pays off in big odds at the end: a better job, more invitations, greater popularity, longer-lasting friends. And, aside from any practical gains, it makes a gentleman or gentlewoman out of you. This is a gift, a proud possession, which no money or influence can buy. –Wilmington Press Journal, 1939

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Children’s National Guild of Courtesy

Victorian National Guild of Courtesy Rules

The ‘Good Manners’ chart was first issued to Queensland, Australia schools in 1898 by the Department of Public Instruction as part of the systematic teaching of conduct and manners. The chart was based on rules formulated by the Children's National Guild of Courtesy which had been founded in UK elementary schools in 1889.

 

This *2nd Debut Article from 2014 is Worthy of a Review!

*What is a 2nd Debut article? A second debut article is one which Etiquipedia feels is worth a second read. 

With over 4000 articles on this site, people often forget how much Etiquette is actually here and available to them. I am frequently asked if I have anything that covers this etiquette subject, or that etiquette subject… Most times the articles are right here, hiding in plain sight. 

Just this morning, I received a message via Instagram suggesting I post this list above, of Victorian courtesy rules for children. It has been on the site since 2014. Here, I am posting it again, for those many readers worldwide, who never saw it back in 2014.

If you do have a subject which you have been looking for here or a question regarding etiquette, you can always put a phrase or word in the search bar on the top left-hand corner of the site. A quick search may reveal several articles for you to choose from on your subject of inquiry. Then again, you can also message me via Instagram.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber of the RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia