Dinner Party Etiquette Do’s and Don'ts

What type of dinner party will you be inviting guests to? An alfresco candlelight party on the patio?  A formal dinner party in your dining room? — “Invitations should let guests know a lot more than where and when the party will occur, she said. Johnson usually states the nature of the party (dinner, brunch, etc.) and gives the guests some idea of who else will be there (“You know the Daniels, don’t you? And we’re having a couple who just moved here from Maine”), how much food to expect (appetizers or a full-course dinner), and an idea of what the host and hostess will be wearing.”

A few years ago, Dorothea Johnson, former etiquette writer for the Washington Star and entertainment lecturer for the Foreign Service Institute, received an invitation to “A Party.”

“It said, ‘Regrets only,’ but I phoned the hostess anyway to ask her what kind of party it was,” Johnson recounted at a recent lecture, “and she said, ‘Oh, just a party.’ I asked her, ‘What should I wear?,’ and she said, ‘Oh, anything.’ So I asked, ‘What are you wearing?’

“ ‘Oh, I haven’t given it a thought,’ came the reply.”

Johnson said she got out her I’m-not-sure dress, which is a basic black, “and my husband saw it and got out his I’m-not-sure suit— a three-piece gray.” They arrived at the party only to discover everyone else there dressed more casually “except a liaison from the British Embassy who said, ‘I say, aren’t we overdressed?’ ”

Hostesses should be kinder to their guests, said Johnson, a veteran of countless parties here and in the 20 other posts where her Marine family has been stationed.

More Than When and Where

Invitations should let guests know a lot more than where and when the party will occur, she said. Johnson usually states the nature of the party (dinner, brunch, etc.) and gives the guests some idea of who else will be there (“You know the Daniels, don’t you? And we’re having a couple who just moved here from Maine”), how much food to expect (appetizers or a full-course dinner), and an idea of what the host and hostess will be wearing.

All of this information should be issued by phone, she said. “I lecture to people in the diplomatic corps, and all over the world hostesses are having trouble with invitations. I haven’t sent out an invitation in eight years.”

Reminder in Mail

Instead, she gets a yes or no by phone, and then follows up with a reminder in the mail about a week before the party, giving the same details and including a map for newcomers. She issues the telephone invitation one to two months in advance because “around here, you have to get your bid in early.”

Then she gets out her calendar and breaks down the preparation for the party into several steps, doing as much as possible in the days and weeks before the party occurs.

“I try to do almost nothing the day of the party, so I can be relaxed for my guests,” she said. She said this is the key to a good party. “If you’re relaxed, your guests will be relaxed and will leave your place happy.”

It’s easier to stay relaxed if you start with the kind of party with which you’re most comfortable, she said.

“You don’t need to copy your neighbor or your friend, although I’m not above stealing a good idea here and there.”

Keep Menu Simple

She also emphasized that the food one prepares is not the key to a successful party. “If the food is splendid or elaborate, but you’re a nervous wreck, what do you think your guests will remember?” Simple food that can be prepared in advance and heated up quickly does best, and no more than three courses are necessary (main dish, salad and dessert).

You should also check with your guests before planning the menu, especially if you plan to serve foods that may be taboo to many: pork, seafood, foods cooked or soaked with liquor.

Johnson avoids serving fowl with bones (“I don’t think guests should have to struggle with it”) and anything that requires cutting, if the party is a buffet. “I’ve seen too many accidents happen when people hold their plates on their laps and try to cut,” she said.

Some Washington hostesses she interviewed for her column confessed that they use the same menus every year and that it doesn’t bother them. “They say that people don’t come for the food, anyway.”

Party Pointers

Here are some of Johnson’s party props:

— Pink light bulbs. “These make the women look beautiful and the men look handsome, and hide the dust,” she said.

— Tablecloths. She makes them out of inexpensive cotton or sheets on sale, and protects them from dripping wax by charring her candles before the party (lighting them, blowing them out and pinching off the charred wick). She also wards against spills from hot drinks by filling cups no more than three-quarters full--and serving them in the living room, if possible.

— A last safety precaution is to set the table first with service plates— large glass plates that remain on the table throughout the changes of course. “I was once complimented on my fine Swedish crystal plates until I just couldn’t stand it,” she said, “and had to confess that they’re Pyrex pizza plates I bought for $1.29 each from the PX (post exchange).”

— Menus. Johnson writes out a copy on anything from informal note paper to paper bags (for a picnic) and places them between the place settings.

— Seating. She makes up a chart ahead of time and uses place cards, because she believes that saying, “Oh, just sit anywhere,” means you don’t care. Another Washington hostess uses place cards as a conversation piece. “She makes up clever names for each of her guests,” Johnson explained. “I’m always Emily Post Jr. A retired Naval officer was the Old Man of the Sea, and one fellow — a really shy man — was the Swinger.”

— Guests of honor. Honoring a special friend is a great excuse for a party, Johnson said. Remember that an honored male guest sits on the hostess’s right and an honored female guest to the right of the host. The place of honor in the living room, she said, is the right-hand side of the couch--a place that more than one unfortunate member of the diplomatic corps has unknowingly usurped, she reported.

Soup in Cups

— Hors d’oeuvres. Johnson doesn’t serve these anymore, substituting a soup course that she serves in cups while her guests are still in the living room.

— Buffet. A clever way to bring people to the buffet line is to slip the men names of women they are to escort, she said, or draw seasonal decorations (such as Christmas trees and shamrocks), cut them in patterns down the middle and have the two genders match up the halves. “That way married couples don’t always sit together.”

— Johnson also advises hostesses to try sitting everywhere they expect their guests to sit (including the floor) to see if it’s comfortable — and reliable (“I’ve seen chairs break on guests”) —  and serving beverages from a tray after everyone’s been served their food rather than have people balance a plate, silverware, napkin and glass as they wander about looking for a place to sit.

— Conversation. She advises using Eleanor Roosevelt’s trick with the alphabet: “She’d start with ‘A’ and think, apples— Aren’t the apples lovely this year? If that bombs, she’d go to ‘B,’ books — Has anyone read any good books lately? One night, they say, she got home and told F.D.R. about a terrible evening— she’d gotten all the way to ‘W’!”

— She also helps ensure good conversation by never inviting only people from the same office or occupation and inviting “at least one new couple” to every party.

— Working women. She’s seen some splendid parties done all with carryout food, “and nobody knew but the hostess and me.” By setting the table the night before and coming home early enough to dump the carryout into pots and scoop ice cream into fancy dishes, you can pull off an elegant party--without having to ask your guests to help. — By Deborah Churchman, The Christian Science Monitor, Washington 1985

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A World of Etiquette

 

Etiquette Around the World: 

What’s the Word?

We recognize the French word “etiquette” in English, but other languages have their own ways of naming good manners and polite behavior.

• Here are a few examples:

1. French: étiquette — the source of our English word.

• Spanish: etiqueta — used for etiquette or protocol; buenos modales means good manners.

• Portuguese: etiqueta — boas maneiras is another expression for good manners.

• German: Etikette — Umgangsformen refers to social manners.

• Japanese: 礼儀 (reigi) — manners or courtesy.

• Mandarin Chinese: 礼仪 (lǐyí) — etiquette or ceremonial forms of courtesy.

• Nigeria, Yoruba: ìwà rere — good character, a broader idea that includes considerate conduct. Nigeria has many languages; Yoruba is one example.

• United Arab Emirates, Arabic: آداب (ādāb) — manners or etiquette.

These aren’t simply different spellings of one word. They’re ways of expressing related ideas in different languages.

Whether we say buenos modales or reigi, consideration is something we can practice wherever we go in the world.

Meet our newest contributor, Eileen Copeland. Eileen is the founder of Southern California Etiquette™, a modern etiquette and social refinement platform which explores dining culture, hosting, presentation, and contemporary social behavior. A native Southern Californian, Eileen’s background includes executive and personal assisting, real estate, wellness, modeling, beauty, and luxury client services. Married for over 15 years, Eileen is a mother of two and grandmother of two, whose broad experiences, including living internationally for nearly a decade, helped shape her appreciation for culture, hospitality, and refined living. She shares life with her husband, her mini Goldendoodle, Teddy, and Luna, her sphynx cat, while continuing her etiquette studies under mentor Maura Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. You can reach her at Southern California Etiquette.

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Japan’s Liberating Dining Etiquette Solution

The liberation wrapper is their solution — a paper wrapper that hides a large burger. On it is a picture of a women’s closed, smiling mouth. The video shows side shots of a woman eating behind the wrapper so you can see all the glorious big biting in action. From the front, it just looks like she’s slightly moving her head around. 

A 2nd Debut article from 2020

In 2013 the Liberation Wrapper was a way for Japanese women to chow down and look pretty

Chowing down on a cheeseburger as big as your head is one of life’s greatest pleasures. And getting ketchup on your nose or some meat juice on your chin is a welcome hazard. But according to the Freshness Burger chain in Japan, opening wide for a big bite is anything but attractive. 

The restaurant has come up with something called the liberation wrapper. It’s a way for women in particular to take big bites of a burger and still look ladylike. The idea behind the wrapper is explained in a video. In it, Japanese etiquette and the concept of “ochobo” or small, modest mouth, are explained. 

“In public, a large open mouth is regarded as ugly and rude,” says the video narrator. "... This means they are denied the wild pleasure of taking mouth-size bites of this big tasty burger freely in public.” 

The restaurant explains that women are encouraged to cover their mouths in public when opening them, and that as a result, they never seem to sell their biggest burger.

The liberation wrapper is their solution to the problem. It’s a paper wrapper that hides the burger. On it is a picture of a women’s closed, smiling mouth. The video shows side shots of a woman eating behind the wrapper so you can see all the glorious big biting in action. From the front, it just looks like she’s slightly moving her head around. 

The wrapper is “freeing women from the spell of the “ochobo” mouth” says the video. It also says sales of the classic burger (the big one) to female customers is up 213% from the previous month. 

Burger-eating etiquette for women in Japan is a complete 180 degrees from how it’s seen in the United States. Carl’s Jr. has turned hot girls and big burgers into its main ad campaign. You know the ones where a supermodel eats a burger and gets it all over the place and there isn’t a napkin in sight? — Jean Harris for L.A. Times, 2013

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Coffee Etiquette at the American Table

“Keep Sugar Wrappers Tidy: Gather empty packets instead of scattering them around your place setting. Use a waste dish if one is provided. For example: Without a waste dish, keep wrappers together on the edge of your saucer, clear of the cup. Don't return empty packets to the sugar holder.” — Drinking coffee during meals, especially having a cup of coffee with one's dinner, is an American phenomenon. This is seen more often in certain regions of the US, rather than anywhere else in the world of coffee drinkers. In most other coffee drinking countries, coffee is enjoyed after a meal, not during the meal.

Whether you're having breakfast at a dinner or enjoying coffee after dinner, a few thoughtful habits make every cup more pleasant.

And no, your pinky doesn't need its own invitation.

Hold the Handle Comfortably

Choose a secure grip that suits the cup. Handles vary, so there isn't one finger arrangement that works for every size.

For example:  A roomy mug handle can accommodate two or three fingers, with your thumb remaining above it. A tiny espresso handle may require a gentle grip between your thumb and index finger.

Keep your fingers away from the hot body of the cup.

Bring the Cup to Your Mouth

Sit comfortably upright and lift the cup toward you rather than leaning down to meet it. During a meal, keep your elbows off the table while eating or drinking.

For example:  Between sips, return your cup gently to its saucer or the table instead of hovering over it.

If the coffee is too hot, give it a moment. There's no prize for finishing first.

Stir Quietly, Then Remove the Spoon

For a traditional etiquette approach, stir your coffee gently back and forth rather than in circles, avoiding contact with the sides or bottom of the cup.

For example:  Imagine your cup as a clock. Move the spoon from 12 o'clock toward 6 o'clock and back. Once finished, lift it out, allow any drips to fall into the cup, and rest it on your saucer before drinking.

Your morning coffee doesn't need a percussion section.

Keep Sugar Wrappers Tidy

Gather empty packets instead of scattering them around your place setting. Use a waste dish if one is provided.

For example:  Without a waste dish, keep wrappers together on the edge of your saucer, clear of the cup. Don't return empty packets to the sugar holder.

Pass the cream carefully

Ask for what you need rather than reaching across another guest. Pass the creamer carefully to the person requesting it.

For example:  “Would you please pass the cream?” is easier on everyone than stretching your arm across someone's breakfast.

At a casual coffee table, respond to the request rather than insisting the creamer travel a full lap around the table.

Ask Politely About Refills

Refill policies vary, so ask rather than assuming another cup is included.

For example:  “May I have another coffee, please? A little room for cream would be lovely.”

If you've had enough, say, “No more for me, thank you,” rather than covering a cup while d Company

Coffee etiquette is a collection of small courtesies: a steady grip, a quiet stir, a tidy place setting, and consideration for the people sharing your table.

Now that's something worth waking up for.

Meet our newest contributor, Eileen Copeland. Eileen is the founder of Southern California Etiquette™, a modern etiquette and social refinement platform which explores dining culture, hosting, presentation, and contemporary social behavior. A native Southern Californian, Eileen's background includes executive and personal  assisting, real estate, wellness, modeling, beauty, and luxury client services. Married for over 15 years, Eileen is a mother of two and grandmother of two, whose broad experiences, including living internationally for nearly a decade, helped shape her appreciation for culture, hospitality, and refined living. She shares life with her husband, her mini Goldendoodle, Teddy, and Luna, her sphynx cat, while continuing her etiquette studies under mentor Maura Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. You can reach her at  Southern California Etiquette.

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette 

Grazing Table Etiquette

Do Cut Cheese Considerately: If the table includes whole cheeses or wedges, take a portion that leaves the remaining cheese inviting for the next guest. For example: Avoid removing only the pointed tip (or “the nose”) of a Brie wedge or scooping out its soft center while leaving everyone else the outer portion.

You came for a little cheese. Somehow, you’re balancing salami, grapes, crackers, three dips, and a brownie. Are we making a plate—or preparing for the next food shortage? I’m teasing! But when a beautiful spread offers a little of everything, knowing how to help yourself makes the experience more enjoyable for everyone. From bridal showers to backyard celebrations, grazing tables invite guests to sample, mingle, and return for another bite. Here’s how to enjoy the abundance with consideration.

Do Take a Manageable Portion

A grazing table invites you to explore. You don’t need to explore the entire menu on your first plate.

For example: Start with a few crackers, a little cheese, a couple of slices of meat, and some fruit. Leave enough room to eat comfortably without sending a grape rolling across the floor.

If repeat visits are welcome, return for another helping.

Don’t Take All of a Favorite Item

Those strawberries dipped in chocolate may be calling your name, but other guests heard them, too.

Take a reasonable share, especially when the selection is limited or guests are still waiting to serve themselves.

Generosity goes both ways: the host provides, and guests leave something for others.

Do Use the Serving Utensils

Use the tongs, spoons, cheese knives, or picks provided.

For example: Sliced meats are used with serving tongs. Spoon hummus onto your plate. Use the shared cheese knife to cut your portion, then leave it with the cheese.

Your personal fork should not make a guest appearance in the communal dip.

Don’t Double-Dip

Once you’ve bitten into a cracker, vegetable, or piece of bread, keep it out of the shared dip.

Instead: Spoon a little dip onto your plate and enjoy it from there.

The same principle applies to tasting with a serving spoon: shared utensils are for serving, not eating.

Do Cut Cheese Considerately

If the table includes whole cheeses or wedges, take a portion that leaves the remaining cheese inviting for the next guest.

For example: Avoid removing only the pointed tip (or “the nose”) of a Brie wedge or scooping out its soft center while leaving everyone else the outer portion.

If you’re unsure how to cut a particular cheese, ask the host. Curiosity is always welcome at a gracious table.

Don’t Assume Everything Is Finger Food

A grazing table can include foods that require different utensils.

A cheese-topped cracker may be easy to eat with your fingers. A salad, soft spread, or larger pastry may need a fork or knife.

For example: Use the provided spoon to transfer a small salad to your plate, then eat it with your own fork.

Let the food’s size, texture, and presentation guide you.

Do Give Others Room to Serve

Choose your food, then step away so the next guest can approach.

For example: If you’re catching up with a friend beside the cheese display, move the conversation a few steps away once you’ve served yourselves.

The grazing table is a gathering point, but it shouldn’t become a traffic jam.

Don’t Return Food from Your Plate

Once food has been transferred to your plate, keep it there.

If you change your mind about that piece of cheese, don’t put it back on the shared platter.

For another helping, use a fresh plate when available, particularly if your used plate could touch the serving utensils or shared food.

Do Keep Your Plate Comfortable to Eat From

Leave a little space between foods when it helps preserve their texture.

For example: Put dip beside your crackers rather than over them if you want them to stay crisp. Keep juicy fruit away from a delicate pastry.

You’re welcome to enjoy creative combinations. You simply don’t need every flavor in every bite.

And What About Paper Plates?

Yes, sturdy paper plates can be appropriate for a casual gathering.

The question is whether the plate can comfortably support the food being served.

For example: A small paper plate may work beautifully for cheese, crackers, and grapes. A heavier selection with salads and dips needs a stronger plate and suitable utensils.

Guests shouldn’t have to fold their plate like a taco to keep lunch from falling out.

A Few Do’s for the Host

Make the table easy to enjoy:

• Provide enough serving utensils. Give each dip its own spoon and each cheese a suitable knife.

• Keep plates and napkins within reach. Place them where guests can pick them up before serving.

• Identify foods clearly. Labels help guests recognize unfamiliar cheeses, meats, and ingredients.

• Explain the occasion. Let guests know whether the spread is a light appetizer or the main meal.

• Make room for eating. Offer somewhere to set down a drink or sit when the menu requires more than one free hand.

And if someone needs guidance, offer it quietly and kindly. Hospitality should make guests comfortable.

A Little of This, a Little Consideration

A beautiful grazing table offers choices. Good etiquette helps us enjoy those choices while remembering everyone else at the gathering.

Take a thoughtful portion, use the serving utensils, and leave the table welcoming for the next guest.

There’s plenty to appreciate without putting it all on one plate.

Meet our newest contributor, Eileen Copeland. Eileen is the founder of Southern California Etiquette™, a modern etiquette and social refinement platform which explores dining culture, hosting, presentation, and contemporary social behavior. A native Southern Californian, Eileen’s background includes executive and personal assisting, real estate, wellness, modeling, beauty, and luxury client services. Married for over 15 years, Eileen is a mother of two and grandmother of two, whose broad experiences, including living internationally for nearly a decade, helped shape her appreciation for culture, hospitality, and refined living. She shares life with her husband, her mini Goldendoodle, Teddy, and Luna, her sphynx cat, while continuing her etiquette studies under mentor Maura Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. You can reach her at Southern California Etiquette.

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

To Curtsey or Not for Visiting Royals

“The etiquette is simple. Guests must arrive at the time they are told to arrive. They must not mass around the  King and Queen.  They must not leave until the King and Queen have gone back to the White House. As for the curtsey problems: Britishers who know the  King and Queen  say they won't notice whether American women curtsey or not. It will be considered special courtesy if they curtsey; It will not be considered a discourtesy if they don't.”  — Public domain image of  King George VI

Washington Makes Ready for the Overseas Guests 

By Ruby A. Black (United Press Correspondent) 

WASHINGTON — Precedents are falling almost daily as plans progress for the visit of King George VI and Queen Elizabeth of England. The President and Mrs. Roosevelt are having them as house guests at the White House — the first time Monarchs have stayed in the White House. Then, the President and the First Lady are going to the railroad station to meet their guests, just as any other Americans meet the train when visitors come to see them. Ordinarily, the President and his lady wait at the White House, to receive visiting Royalty. And finally, the President and Mrs. Roosevelt are going out to dinner at the British embassy, ​​with the visiting Majesties as their hosts. 

If you are among the lucky thousands or so invited by their Majesties to the garden party at the British embassy, it would be a good idea not to go in for precedent breaking. Just leave that prerogative to the President and Mrs Roosevelt and the King and Queen. The etiquette is simple. Guests must arrive at the time they are told to arrive. They must not mass around the King and Queen. They must not leave until the King and Queen have gone back to the White House. As for the curtsey problems: Britishers who know the King and Queen say they won't notice whether American women curtsey or not. It will be considered special courtesy if they curtsey; It will not be considered a discourtesy if they don't. It is rather more than likely that most of the women will practice the little dip so they can act just as if they were accustomed to going to parties at Buckingham palace. 

Don't expect to see any crown jewell or ermine. There won't be any. Such jewels as the Queen wears will be simply personal jewels. There will be lots of chances to tee the rulers of the biggest empire on earth. First, there is the arrival of the royal party at Niagara Falls late on June 7. In Washington there will be repeated opportunities as their Majesties fill engagements in various parts of the city. Then there will follow the visit to New York City and the New York World's Fair, June 10, and a motor trip, along parkways, from New York City to the President's home at Hyde Park, N. Y., late on the afternoon of June 10. –San Bernardino Sun, April, 1939

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Handling Faux Pas in Public

The social circuit is a breeding ground for embarrassing moments. There are names to remember, table manners to watch, dress codes to adhere to. Perhaps nowhere else in life are we under as much scrutiny as we are during social occasions. People can go a long way toward reducing awkward moments by remembering to “think of someone other than yourself,” says Letitia Baldrige, author of a '90s guide to manners.
— Image, Etiquipedia's private library

There's No Pas Like a Faux Pas in Society

A CEO wipes his mouth with a tablecloth. A community leader mistakes a man's second wife for the daughter of his first. A socialite backs into a pool.

These are some of the gaffes that have been played out on the Orange County social scene.

And no wonder, say the blunderers, since stepping out is what they love to do, sometimes as often as five times a week.

“I'm out so much, I'm bound to make mistakes,” says Thomas Penn Jones, CEO and president of Children's Hospital of Orange County. “I just try to laugh them off.”

Jones bemoaned his faux pas out loud at the Pacific Club in Newport Beach. After realizing he had wiped his mouth with a portion of the tablecloth, he told table-mates: “Why can't they make dinner napkins and tablecloths in different colors? This isn't the first time I've done this!”

Janice Johnson of Laguna Beach still blushes when she recalls “that luncheon.” She attended a fund-raising home tour and admired a lovely hostess--a young mother with two small children.

A week later, she was seated at a luncheon next to a mature woman whose married name was the same as the woman she had met earlier.

Striking up conversation, she said: “I met your lovely daughter and your two grandchildren last week

She quickly learned that the young woman was the new wife of her lunch partner's ex. Says a wiser Johnson: “Before you open your mouth, think!”

Vesta Curry of Laguna Beach recalls with embarrassment the luncheon where she took pictures of friends: “I was snapping away and backed right into the pool. Thank God it was the shallow end. I can’t swim!”

The social circuit is a breeding ground for embarrassing moments. There are names to remember, table manners to watch, dress codes to adhere to. Perhaps nowhere else in life are we under as much scrutiny as we are during social occasions.

People can go a long way toward reducing awkward moments by remembering to “think of someone other than yourself,” says Letitia Baldrige, author of a '90s guide to manners.

Deferring to others is the foundation of social etiquette. One of the reasons you place your knife and fork together on your plate after a meal, for example, is to assist the waiter during his trek back to the kitchen.

But if you do blow it, Baldrige says, the best way to recover is to make a joke.

“Everyone else is dying, so you need to break the tension. Of course, you apologize if you ruin a tablecloth or break someone's prized Dresden centerpiece.

“But if it's a burp you couldn't help, you apologize, then say, 'It didn't exactly sound like the symphony orchestra, did it? I'll try to do better next time.' ”

Even an etiquette guru has red-faced moments. One of her worst, Baldrige recalls, was the night a couple arrived at her door for Sunday supper. She had forgotten she issued the invitation.

“There we were, my husband smoking a cigar, me in a nightgown, and the doorbell rings.”

She teased the guests about being so formally dressed, rushed into the kitchen, threw some frozen beef stew into a pot and drenched it with wine. “We made it through the evening. My husband thinks they were being polite, but I don't think they knew the difference.”

As chairwoman of dozens of Orange County social events, Catherine Thyen of Corona del Mar has seen her share of excruciating moments. The worst came at an awards banquet.

“As a woman walked up to receive an award, her slip fell to the floor. She stepped right out of it, left it in a little pool. She never went back to retrieve it. I was impressed by her grace.”

To survive the demands of the polite life, Thyen has developed her own list of do's and don'ts. “Do drink lots of water,” she advises. “It's a good way to avoid coated coffee tongue and champagne breath.

“Don't eat much, especially hors d'oeuvres. It can be very embarrassing to have someone come up to you when your mouth is full.”

And, do a run-through in new allure before attending a gala “Get the kinks out around the house. You need to rehearse sitting in a bustle or dancing in a strapless gown.”

When Mark Johnson of Tustin received an invitation to a private party with a dress code that read: “Black Tie, Fun” he was confused.

So he called upon a new friend, Tom Tucker of Irvine Cove, who told him it meant having fun with his penguin suit. “He told me to wear black tie and whatever else I wanted,” said Johnson, chairman of the Orange County Performing Arts Center.

Johnson didn't know his friend was a prankster, that the invitation really meant to wear a fun-looking black tie. So he wore Reeboks and Levi 501's with his tux.

“I arrive, feeling like I'm going to fit right in,” Johnson said. “And everyone is in form! I was embarrassed, but I had more fun than I've ever had when I was dressed like everyone else.”

Tucker, a center board member, remembers dressing for a black-tie gala and leaving his jacket at home. He was mortified when he walked into the event. “But after I had a glass of wine I decided it wasn't worth driving home for,” he said.

Becoming embarrassed in social situations is common for adults, says Linda Algazi, a Corona del Mar psychotherapist. “However, when it becomes excessive and uncomfortable, it becomes something in psychology we call social phobia.”

People with the condition experience anxiety symptoms, stomach problems, muscular tension and confusion. “It can develop into a full-blown panic attack,” she says. “We all worry about being appropriately dressed, saying something stupid. Only when it becomes excessive does it become a real phobia.”

Embarrassing moments happen to everyone, Baldrige believes. Forgetting someone's name is probably the most common cause of social humiliation. “If you're smart, you will own up to it and say something like, 'I can't even remember my mother's name.' ”

In her research, Baldrige has come upon dozens of interesting incidents. A favorite stands out: “It was at the White House during the Eisenhower era. A woman guest lost her panties while she stood at a party.

“You only had elastic around the waist in those days. She was horrified, and stepped out of them. A White House helps whisked them up and put them in his pocket.” —By Ann Conway, 1997

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Emily Post’s “Don’ts” for Tables

Crackers are passed with oyster stew and with salad, and any one who wants “relishes” can have them in his own house (although they insult the cook!). — Above, a rare Knowles' gilded sterling cracker scoop with oyster crackers and a gilded oyster stew ladle.

Don'ts In Table Setting!

Don't put ribbon trimmings on your table. Satin bands and bows have no more place on a lady's table than have chop-house appurtenances. Pickle jars, catsup bottles, toothpicks and crackers are not private-house table ornaments. Crackers are passed with oyster stew and with salad, and any one who wants "relishes" can have them in his own house (although they insult the cook!). At all events, pickles and tomato sauces and other cold meat condiments are never presented at the table in a bottle, but are put in glass dishes with small serving spoons. Nothing is ever served from the jar or bottle it comes in except certain kinds of cheese, Bar-le-Duc preserves (only sometimes) and wines. Pickles, jellies, jams, olives, are all put into small glass dishes.

Saucers for vegetables are contrary to all etiquette. The only extra plates ever permitted are the bread and butter plates which are put on at breakfast and lunch and supper above and to the left of the forks, but never at dinner. The crescent-shaped salad plate, made to fit at the side of the place plate, is rarely seen in fashionable houses. When two plates are made necessary by the serving of game or broiled chicken or squab, for which the plate should be very hot, at the same time as the salad which is cold, the crescent-shaped plate is convenient in that it takes little room.

A correct and very good serving dish for a family of two, is the vegetable dish that has a partition dividing it into two or even three divisions, so that a small quantity of two or three vegetables can be passed at the same time.

Napkin rings are unknown in fashionable houses outside of the nursery. But in large families where it is impossible to manage such a wash as three clean napkins a day entail, napkin rings are probably necessary. In most moderately run houses, a napkin that is unrumpled and spotless after a meal, is put aside and used again for breakfast; but to be given a napkin that is not perfectly clean is a horrid thought. Perhaps though, the necessity for napkin rings results in the achievement of the immaculate napkin—which is quite a nice thought. —Emily Post in “Etiquette,” 1922

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia