Guest of Honor Etiquette

The hostess, of course, stands to greet every guest, man or woman. The guest of honor, if a woman, rises on introduction to other women just as the hostess does. However, it is not necessary for her to rise to meet the average guest, except in the case of elderly or very distinguished women or upon introduction to the hostess herself. The guest of honor doesn't arise upon having men introduced to her, unless they are her host, a clergyman or some very elderly or distinguished gentleman.

Etiquette: Guest of Honor Faces Special Social Rules

It is pleasant, of course, to be designated a guest of honor, but the honor should never come as a complete surprise.

A person who has been asked to be a feature speaker at a college, a school or a church knows that he or she will certainly be a guest of honor and is prepared for a certain degree of formality as a result, However, a celebrity who is asked to what he thinks is a simple lunch with friend and finds that without warning she is expected to glow as the guest of honor, may be somewhat put out by the compliment.

At club functions, at private homes, at university teas, there is often no formal receiving line. The guest of honor stands with the hostess while guests are introduced. If all the guests come more or less at the same time, this is a relatively simple procedure. If they filter in, however, and hostess and guests are seated and having tea, what happens as individual guests arrive to be greeted by the hostess?

The hostess, of course, stands to greet every guest, man or woman. The guest of honor, if a woman, rises on introduction to other women just as the hostess does. However, it is not necessary for her to rise to meet the average guest, except in the case of elderly or very distinguished women or upon introduction to the hostess herself. The guest of honor doesn't arise upon having men introduced to her, unless they are her host, a clergyman or some very elderly or distinguished gentleman.

It can readily be seen that it is much more convenient for hostess and guest of honor to stand and drink their tea, so as to avoid considerable rising and sitting.

Properly, one does not leave reception of any kind without bidding farewell to host and hostess and guest of honor – unless one must leave before the receiving line, if any, breaks up. In this latter case just the greeting is sufficient and the guest takes leave of the group with which he finds himself only. Women, by the way, as I have said before, keep their gloves on as they are going down the receiving line. They remove them when partaking of retreshments or smoking.

The guest of honor usually wears a hat at a daytime reception of any kind, but since this costume varies in different communities it is wise for her to ask the hostess what is expected. Amazingly, big cities are much less formal in this respect than some small towns. But even where hats are not worn, gloves are.

The hostess no longer under these circumstances wears a hat in her own home unless, for example, the reception is a wedding reception following a religious ceremony at home. In this case the mother of the bride would wear a hat as part of her costume - at least for a Protestant Episcopal ceremony - just as she would for a home christening or a funeral. — By Amy Vanderbilt, 1955

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquettical Introductions

 “One other question—does a man rise every time a woman enters and leaves a room?” “Theoretically yes, practically no. He would look like a Jack in the box if there is much moving about.” – Nancy Page

A “Second Debut” Article from 2019

Nancy Page has an “etiquettical” discussion regarding introductions.

Nancy found many old friends down in Florida. They were glad to see her and gave teas, receptions, bridge luncheons and affairs galore in her honor. At one sorority tea she noticed that one of the girls was watching her intently. Later she found the reason. It seems that the girls had been having an “etiquettical” discussion regarding introductions. They had been told to watch the guests at this particular tea. Later Nancy and the girls discussed the whole question. 

“Why did you remain seated when other folks were brought up to you and introduced, Mrs. Page?” “Because a woman never rises when being introduced unless the other person is elderly or very distinguished. Of course, if I were a young girl and were being introduced to—oh say, a person as old as I am—l would stand. That is youth's duty. But if I were a college girl being introduced to another, college girl X would not get up.” 

‘‘Would you rise if a man were brought up to be introduced?" “No indeed, unless he were most distinguished, say a Bishop, a President or a cabinet officer or foreign diplomat.” ‘‘Should the man rise if he is seated when a woman is brought up?” “Yes, surely. That motion of hospitality belongs unless he were aged.” 

“Should a man extend his hand in greeting to the woman?” “She should extend her hand first. Of course, if a man does reach out his hand she does not acknowledge it by extending her own, but the man made the error in putting his out first.” “One other question—does a man rise every time a woman enters and leaves a room?” “Theoretically yes, practically no. He would look like a Jack in the box if there is much moving about.” – “Nancy Page” by Florence La Ganke, 1929

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and an Edwardian Waitress

Afternoon dress for a maid: In the morning the waitress may wear a light print dress, a plain, full-skirted white apron, white collar and cuffs. Before serving luncheon the print dress is changed for a light-weight black wool dress and a more dressy apron, and a black bow is added to the cap. Boots or slippers with soft soles and low flat heels, if any, enable the waitress to move about noiselessly.— Image from “A Guide for Edwardian Servants,” by Janet McKenzie Hill,” 1908

PERSONAL QUALIFICATIONS AND DRESS OF A WAITRESS

The up-to-date waitress needs an eye quick to see and a hand deft to execute. She needs to be able to tell at a glance whether the window shades exclude the right quantity of sunlight or the open window admits the proper quantity of air. She needs to have an eye that never fails when an object is to be disposed in the centre of anything or two or more objects in exactly straight lines. Her first duty in regard to everything she touches is to “keep it straight.” On all occasions she is to be neatly dressed and manicured, calm and unruffled; no matter how many duties claim her attention at one and the same time, she needs to be absolutely deliberate, self-poised, and unhurried.

A waitress needs to be quick and light of foot; thus youth and a trim figure, not too large, are the first requisites in one who wishes to make a success of the calling. It is needless to add that a quiet, unobtrusive manner – is absolutely essential. A waitress needs to possess a mind unwearied by detail and a willingness to cultivate nice ways of doing work.

In the morning the waitress may wear a light print dress, a plain, full-skirted white apron, white collar and cuffs. Before serving luncheon the print dress is changed for a light-weight black wool dress and a more dressy apron, and a black bow is added to the cap. Boots or slippers with soft soles and low flat heels, if any, enable the waitress to move about noiselessly.
maid.

The up-to-date waitress is not superficial; she knows full well that daintiness secured by cleanliness must be part and parcel of her own person as well as of the inanimate things which she handles. She will no more think of omitting her full morning bath than of sending the butter to the table on an unwashed dish.

She is surrounded with choice articles often of great value, of which she is the caretaker. She comes in close contact with people who are ultra-fastidious. Her position is a responsible one, and calls for dignified bearing. She needs to maintain her own self-respect and claim that of those whom she serves. To do this, she can ill afford to neglect any of the personal niceties classed as “minor moralities.”

The daily bath and immaculate undergarments are at the foundation of these moralities. Cleanliness is next to godliness, and opportunity for cleanliness should be freely given and freely accepted. — From “A Guide for Edwardian Servants,” by Janet McKenzie Hill,” 1908

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and 1980’s Self Improvement

“Don't worry too much about making mistakes,” Marja Barrett said in a voice that could soothe a child’s tears. “If you realize that you're using your dinner fork for the salad, don't panic and suddenly drop the fork. You’ll just draw attention to yourself. Believe me, no one probably noticed you were using the wrong fork… they're too busy paying attention to their own food to watch what you're doing.”

Baby boomers were minding their manners

Doug Wright eyes his wife, Gertrude, with a furtive sideways glance. She had just done the unthinkable. Quietly, but decisively, she had cut up her salad. The bite-sized pieces of bibb lettuce, tomato and onion sat in a small mound on the plate in front of her. 

A moment later, speaker Marja Barrett finishes her sentence: “...and remember, always cut up the food a portion at a time." Doug laughs, shrugs his shoulders and grins at his wife. She blushes slightly. “It's easier to eat this way,” she says as she dug into a pile of lettuce using her salad fork tines down, of course.

The setting is a plush restaurant. The topic is table etiquette. Barrett is gently but firmly guiding the roomful of adults through the sloshy dangers of consomme brunoise, the bony pitfalls of grilled duck, and the crumbling perils of dinner rolls. The tables are set with a dazzling array of forks, knives and spoons.

“Don't worry too much about making mistakes,” Barrett says in a voice that could soothe a child’s tears. “If you realize that you're using your dinner fork for the salad, don't panic and suddenly drop the fork. You’ll just draw attention to yourself. Believe me, no one probably noticed you were using the wrong fork… they're too busy paying attention to their own food to watch what you're doing.”

She has spent more than 20 years in what she calls the self-improvement field, including almost eight years as director of the Kathleen Wellman modeling school in Cincinatti. “You can be very intelligent, but if you don't have the social graces, a corporation may be very wary of hiring you,” Barrett says,

Business manners are big business these days. When Barrett was asked to give a roundtable lecture titled “Power Presence” at a recent Women Entrepreneurs’ Conference, the session became so popular that it spilled over into two more.

“More than half the conference attended Barrett's sessions,”says Julia O'Connor, an organizer of the entrepreneurs’ conference. “I think the interest in business manners started at the corporate level and has now filtered down to smaller businesses. It's very important for people with their own businesses, because they have to sell, and to do that they have to know proper manners.”

“Sales people see etiquette and sales as synonymous,” says Ann Marie Sabbath, director of special services at Southern Ohio College. “It’s because so many sales take place over lunch or dinner.” As one of four staffers manning the college’s “At Ease” etiquette hot line, Sabbath has fielded hundreds of etiquette questions from business people. The hotline was established to promote “Mastering Business Etiquette and Protocol,” a seminar the college was sponsoring.

“We've had everyone from secretaries to company presidents to account executives call... anyone who does business over lunch or dinner or who deals with clients in a social situation,” Sabbath says, adding that baby boomers find etiquette particularly attractive. “They are on the corporate climb and are savvy, but they want to refine what they know.”

After the hotline was the subject of a story in The Wall Street Journal, it began receiving telephone queries from around the country.  “We've been getting calls from Washington, D.C., Dallas, New Orleans, Chicago and New York. And we've had local companies calling to ask us if we would customize an etiquette class for them.”

Callers are asking about telephone etiquette, tipping rules, and how to greet and introduce people. But most of the questions zero in on dining. “People want to be comfortable and they want to pay attention to conversations rather than worrying about what fork to use,” Sabbath says

Worrying about which fork to use wasn’t of concern by the time the diners at Barrett’s class had reached the main course of duck, wild rice and vegetables. No one dared touch a fork. All were waiting for everyone at their table to be served. “If there are six people or less at your table, you should wait until everyone is served before you start eating.” Barrett says. “But, if there are more, go ahead and eat; otherwise, your food will be cold.”

As the class attacked the main piece of duck. Barrett offered advice on what to order at a business lunch. “Keep the eating simple,” she said. “Forget spaghetti, ribs and lobster. It's a time to pay attention to business, not the food.” She also recommended dining at a familiar restaurant. “That way, when a guest asks you to recommend a dish, you can, because you know the menu. “And never speak loudly. whether you are ordering dessert or discussing a business deal,” she says. “You never know who is sitting at the next table.”

Barrett ended the class with a round of dining don'ts. Among the no-nos:

Don't lick your fingers.

Don't put your hands on your hair or face.

Don't smoke until the meal is over.

Never stack the dishes.

Don't put a wet spoon back in the sugar bowl.

Find out the name of your server. Don't call him “buddy,” “hey, you” or “sir.” Never snap your fingers to get his attention.

Don't give a toast that lasts more than a minute.

Don't lift your glass when you are being toasted. (If you do, people will think you are toasting yourself.)

Never put all 10 fingers in the finger bowl at once. Dip in a few at a time, wipe them with your napkin, then continue dipping and wiping the rest of your fingers. — By Sara Pearce, Gannett News Service, 1986

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Television Watching Etiquette

Is it proper for a guest to request a specific show or none at all? When is it all right for TV to be the focus of a social situation? May the television be on during dinner? What about the place of the remote control? What about the volume? —1983 Advertisement for televisions with their sale prices. 

Social propriety of television

MISS MANNERS — IS THERE SUCH a thing as television etiquette? My specific questions relate to TV watching and guests, visiting relatives and the role of the host. When is it proper for a host to ask for quiet from the visitors when watching TV? Does this depend on whether the visitors are relatives or other guests? Does it matter if the situation involves dinner, a casual visit or a transactional situation?

Is it proper for a guest to request a specific show or none at all? When is it all right for TV to be the focus of a social situation? May the television be on during dinner? What about the place of the remote control? What about the volume?

If someone has made an advance call and received permission to visit, and upon arrival is offered a refreshment, is the visitor required to accommodate him/herself to the TV show in progress? Is the regular TV watcher ever expected to alter his/her habits? Or should all socializing with the TV addict take into consideration this affliction?

What about reading and telephone addicts? Is there hope for socializing among people of different TV traditions?

GENTLE READER Not while that thing is on. Please turn it off so that we can converse. Conversation is, in fact, the chief feature (nicely supplemented by food and drink) of all social engagements unless another activity has been announced in advance. You can invite people to watch television or roller skate, play whist, paint the house, spin the bottle, stuff envelopes or but only if you specify the move the piano activity, so that the guest can plead a previous engagement to attend a funeral that day.

The host should be alert to setting the volume at an agreeable level and, unless the invitation specified the program to be watched, consider suggestions on what to watch.

Communal television watching has no point if it does not include the exchange of smart remarks. You can thus only shush people to the extent of saying something like “Hey, wait a minute, I think they're about to announce the results.”

Television watching should not be even an incidental part of any other visiting, unless during a visit that is either long a weekend or more or of such a frequent nature someone who drops by often that the actual socializing is intermittent. The same goes for reading or telephoning. You need not suspend your normal activities for someone who is always there, although Miss Manners assumes here the normal household politeness of checking to see that one is not interfering with the comforts of another.

Mind you, Miss Manners is not condemning the television addicts. All they need do to watch their program uninterrupted is to refrain from inviting people or from agreeing to visits that are proposed to them. She will even forgive them for saying “Oh, I'm so sorry, 8 tonight is a bad time for me I have a firm commitment then, and won't be free until quite late” instead of explaining why they always seem to be tied up during primetime. — By Miss Manners, aka Judith Martin, 1983

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Social Slobs Have No Manners

Children should understand from an early age that notes of thanks should be written when gifts are sent or given to them. It’s heartbreaking when parents who have attempted to instill good manners in their child, or children, watch them ignore what they have been taught. It’s a shame they won’t discover that good manners can open doors and bring a wealth of opportunities into a young person’s life.

The Parents of a Social Slob

Dear Ann Landers: Our experiences in parenthood lead us to believe that whoever wrote "as the twig is bent..." was a bachelor. We have bent a lot of twigs through the years, but eventually they grew in the direction of their choice once the pressure of bending was released.

Being the parents of children who are social slobs is an embarrassment. We know we aren't the only ones, so perhaps this letter will end up on some refrigerator doors and bulletin boards. Here's the message: 

Dear Friends and Relatives: We know that not one of you who sent gifts for our son's 18th birthday and high school graduation has heard from him. We are deeply ashamed but decided not to nag him about it. We feel it is high time he accepted responsibility for his own thank-you notes. 

In the future, please do not feel obligated to send him a gift. Chastise him or continue your generosity as you wish. Also, if he doesn't RSVP to an invitation, invite someone else and notify him the day before the party that his place has been filled. Stop including him. If he doesn't return your calls, replace him with a more responsive friend and companion. 

We have done what we can to teach this young man decent manners, which are nothing more than consideration for others. When HE can't collect postal insurance without the embarrassment of asking if HIS gift arrived, maybe he will get the message. We are, of course, His Parents

Dear Parents: Thanks for a terrific letter. I applaud every word of it and recommend that others who find themselves in your position follow your example. — By Ann Landers, 1983

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Hope Chest and Trousseau Etiquette

What is a Trousseau? – According to Engagement and wedding etiquette by Barbara Wilson, “The trousseau can be directly traced back to the barter-price, purchase-price and dowry systems. It was customary for a bride to come to her husband well-provided with a dowry, so that the man might be compensated for his expenses in caring for the children of his wife’s lineage. In our present time in this country, it is not thought essential that a bride bring to her husband money or land, but she is usually provided with a good supply of personal clothing, household linen, silver, china, etc., although much of this also comes along as wedding presents.” Many young women began collecting various items during their teens that they stored in a “hope” or cedar chest over the years. The trousseau may consist of furniture, silver, china, crystal, linens, kitchen equipment, glassware, cosmetics and anything else a young girl might collect over the years. Parents and relatives contributed to the trousseau, as well.

Girls Start Hope Chests Later Now

When I was a young girl, the “hope chest” was started in a girl's early teens, sometimes even before and kept up until her marriage.

Today, however, girls do not start their hope chests at such an early age, if at all. Instead, when their engagements are announced they begin to collect things for their trousseau.

Sometimes these things go into an official “hope chest,” sometimes they are stored in bureau drawers or closets.

In these days of rapidly changing styles, linens, underthings, all the things usual in the bride's trousseau are not collected years in advance. This does not mean that a cedar chest is no longer useful and many a girl has her heart set on one.

Here is a letter on the subject:

“DEAR MISS VANDERBILT: My sister, who is my daughter's godmother, gave my daughter a hope chest three years ago when she was 10. She is now very disappointed that we have not added to the few pieces in it - crochet trimmed pillow cases and things like that. We decided to ask you if it is worth while starting a hope chest for a 13-year-old girl.”

I don't think it would be wise to start a hope chest for a 13-year–old. What your daughter thinks appropriate at that age may be quite out of date by the time she is married.

Not very long ago, for example, colored bed linens were very expensive. Now they may be had on small budgets. Yes, does a 13-year-old know what color bedroom she and her husband-to-be will want, seven or eight years from now? Maybe they'll be living in a trailer! — Amy Vanderbilt, 1955

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of  The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Different Serving Styles for Dinners

Styles of Serving Meals

Perhaps the best way to give directions for serving a meal is to present a representative menu, and tell how to get it before those who are seated at table. In "Practical Cooking and Serving," mention is made of two distinct styles of serving meals, the English and the Russian, also of a third style, " the compromise," which emphasizes the best points of the other two.

RUSSIAN SERVICE

When a meal is served after the Russian fashion, all the responsibility of supplying food to those at table falls upon the attendants. It follows, then, that, where this fashion is adopted, a full staff of trained household employees is needed, if the wants of those at table are to be properly supplied. Dinner is the meal for which this formal service is best adapted, and even at dinner it should not be carried out

in its entirety unless there be more than one waitress for each eight covers at table, since nothing appears upon the table save the centrepiece (at dinner, a bonbon dish or two is allowable) and the articles that compose the individual covers. All food is served "from the side"; by attendants who pass the food, separated into portions, to the left of those at table, for each to help himself; or, made ready on individual plates, it is set down before each individual from the right.

ENGLISH SERVICE

The English style of service breathes hospitality rather than formality. It allows of personal attention, on the part of those sitting at the head and foot of the table, to the needs of those about them. The food is served "from the table." The meat or fish just as it is taken from the oven or kettle, except for its garnish, is set down before the "head of the house," who carves it and selects the portion desired by each. Place also is found upon the table for one or two vegetables, which are served by some one at the table. Bread and butter, pickles and relishes, are also given a place on the table.But, save relishes, etc…, only one course appears at a time upon the table.

COMPROMISE STYLE OF SERVICE

The compromise style of service is, as its name implies, a "let down" from the formality of the Russian service and a "let up" to the arduous duties expected of the head of the house at a table served after the English fashion. This style of service is largely practised at luncheons and "little dinners," and should be the favorite style, where one has a cook proficient in giving those final touches to a dish that remove it at once from the realm of the commonplace to that of the artistic world. It is also the style of service usually employed in houses where but one or at most two maids are kept. — From “A Guide for Edwardian Servants,” by Janet McKenzie Hill,” 1908

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of  The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia