Surprising Reasons for Etiquette Rules

One “ancient courtesy rule is the practice of breaking bread, rather than biting into a whole slice”, as it “was customary to collect table leavings for the poor.”

Centuries-Old Customs Continue To Mold Manners 

Once upon a time knights in armor opened their visors when meeting someone, to determine if they were confronted by friend or enemy. From this stems today's custom of tipping the hat. In medieval days a man walking or riding on the right had the advantage of being able to unsheathe his sword quickly with his right hand. The position of deference is still to the right of the host or hostess.

“Although their practical purpose has vanished, many such etiquette traditions continue today,” says Esther B. Aresty, whose new book, “The Best Behavior,” traces the course of good manners from antiquity to the present. Some customs that have outlived their usefulness, however, have been abandoned, such as the prohibition against cutting salad with a knife. This originated, Mrs. Aresty explains, before the advent of silver or stainless steel blades, when acid in the salad dressing would discolor knives then in use. 

But other regulations laid down centuries ago remain valid to this day, notes the author, who researched hundreds of rare old courtesy and etiquette books. The earliest was “Instructions.” written about 4,000 years ago by the Egyptian Ptahhotep.

“Deference to elders was preached in this ancient papyrus scroll and is one of the oldest rules of civilized mankind,” she points out. “Another ancient courtesy rule is the practice of breaking bread, rather than biting into a whole slice, apparently because it was customary to collect table leavings for the poor. This was even called for in the Talmud.”

Earlier books were general, stressing courtesy and human relationships rather than specific rules, Mrs, Aresty says. At the beginning of the 19th century, etiquette books, while they contained some elements of the courtesy books, became volumes of regulations.

However, Mrs. Aresty thinks that conforming to such regulations is not the basis of good manners. “You can put the forks on the right side and the knives on the left side of the plate you may confuse your guest but all you've done is violate a regulation. But if you sit at the table with curlers in your hair and don't give your guest a chance to talk, then you're guilty of bad manners.

“Anything that offends is bad manners and you can define good manners in just three words: consideration for others.” she states, “Manners are what separates the herds from the leaders, the savages from the civilized.” While admitting that today's fast-paced life necessitates more informality, she contends that elimination of the niceties, especially in the area of man-woman relationships, is a “shattering loss.”

“It's a great pleasure to be a woman and have a man look after you,” declares the author, who confesses, “I'm not a women’s lib gal. Women are emasculating men in this country and women’s lib is delivering the coup de grace.” The trim, well-groomed authority on manners of the past is particularly outspoken in her criticisms of children’s manners of the present. Noting that manners were taught in school around the turn of the century, she adds that it would be a good idea for schools to reintroduce such a program.

“You must teach manners; they're not instinctive. The public school system must become surrogate parents in many ways because children are growing up without parental supervision,” says Mrs. Aresty, the mother of a grown son and daughter. “In this country etiquette writers have always complained about the behavior of children,” she goes on. “The tantrum is an American phenomenon. In Europe you rarely see the squalling cutups that are commonplace here.”

In other ways, too, European and American manners differ, Mrs. Aresty says, though the distinction is blurring with the prevalence of international travel. “There was a long tradition in America of not being fancy and not copying European ways,” she comments. “Although the fork came into use in England in the late 17th century, in America most people shoveled food into their mouths with knives right into the 19th century. Well past the Civil War, readers were still being advised not to put the knife into the mouth when eating.”

Men were the arbiters of manners in Europe, since they had plenty of leisure and social life centered around their needs. Thus they wrote the earlier etiquette volumes; but in America women became the custodians of manners and here they wrote the books. The rules of etiquette change constantly, Mrs. Aresty points out, and what is accepted at one period can be considered wrong at another time.

“A period of primness in language began in the 18th century in England and swept from here to this country,” she relates. “Refinement meant that women at American tables would not ask for a piece of breast when fowl was served. They would say ‘I'll have a slice of bosom.’ Even table legs were known as limbs.”

Other bits of advice have remained constant. For example, Mrs. Eliza Farrar, one of the earliest American etiquette writers, warned a lady never to appear before anyone while wearing curl papers. “There is no more frightful appendage to a woman than they are,” she wrote.

In an article in Harper's Bazaar in the late 19th century, Maude Howe suggested this method for entering society: “Give liberally to charity, go on committees and meet there the educated and well-bred. Keep your eyes open to the way they do things, and soon you are able to play the game.” – By Joy Stilley, New York, 1971

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Humor: Taste vs Manners

  “… on the part of Lincoln it was good manners and good taste to refrain from throwing her out of the window, as in strict justice he should have done. Good taste is largely a matter of experience united to natural abilities. – Public domain image of President Abraham Lincoln

 Taste and Manners…

Sometimes They Are Linked and Are Also Both Bad – Truth Can Often be Humorous

What is the difference between taste and manners? It may be bad manners to knock a man down, but it is not necessarily bad taste. A rich man in Philadelphia gave a reception and issued invitation cards upon which were engraved his picture. This was not bad manners. It was certainly bad taste.

A large, handsome woman once broke into a meeting of President Lincoln's cabinet, interrupting the proceedings. The homely Lincoln, arose and, addressing her, said: “Madam, what do you wish?” She replied: “I came in here to take a look at you.” Lincoln smiled. “Well, madam,” he replied, “in the matter of looking I have a distinct advantage of you.”

That was both bad taste and bad manners on her part, and on the part of Lincoln it was good manners and good taste to refrain from throwing her out of the window, as in strict justice he should have done. Good taste is largely a matter of experience united to natural abilities.

To go up to your father-in-law at your wedding breakfast with a bottle of champagne in your hand and slapping him on the back, calling him “old sport,” is not only bad taste and bad manners, but wretched sense, especially if the old gentleman is worth a million.

To be told that your friend is too busy to see you in his office and then to call him up over the nearest telephone is not necessarily bad taste, but bad manners. The two may go together. but this is not an invarible rule. - Life, 1917

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Good Manners Not Just for Wealthy

Elizabeth Post was the granddaughter in-law of etiquette author, Emily Post and Emily’s first family successor.

My column this week is Inspired by the following letter. Mrs. Gold of Pittsburgh, Pa. has been awarded a copy of Emily Post’s Etiquette for her prize-winning letter of the week.

Dear Mrs. Post: I have learned so many things from your column. But sometimes I wish there were answers that would not make the poor or low middle-class people feel left out. Many people in my class would like to do the appropriate thing also. We just don't have china, silver, linens and crystal to entertain our guests with.

I have three daughters and want them to be gracious hostesses as they grow. Why don't schools teach more about etiquette? Many students know very little about how to set a table, fold their napkin on their lap, eat at a restaurant, etc… These are all so important to know in order to feel at ease as a hostess, or in a public eating place. I hope that by the time our daughters are in school more etiquette will be taught. -Catherine Gold

Dear Mrs. Gold: If I have given the impression that etiquette is only for the rich, I have failed in putting across my most important message, that good manners, not etiquette, are not a matter of having but a matter of doing and being.

If I talk about china and crystal, it is generally because someone has asked specifically about those things. The person who can live graciously with few material luxuries, who can make a charming home or entertain pleasantly without spending beyond his means deserves far more credit than the one who can afford to pay for all the help, the expensive foods, and the elaborate decorations he wants. No Sterling?

When I discuss elaborate parties or situations I hope that readers will recognize and adapt those elements which are not out of their reach to their own situation. You need not have sterling silver and fine crystal to set a lovely table, but by knowing the correct placement of those things, your own table, set with plastic or crockery, can be as lovely, as imaginative, and in as perfect taste as that of Mrs. Gotrocks.

I know many wealthy men who are not gentlemen, and I know many women with barely a cent to their names who are ladies. In both cases it is their manner and their attitude toward others and themselves which makes them what they are. Etiquette is not a matter of material things; it is a matter of what you have made of yourself, with the help of, or in spite of, your environment.

Are Manners Out of Style?

This answers the question I am asked so often - “is etiquette still important is it relevant in our world today?” Of course it is. Manners, which are outward sign of a person who has self- respect and is considerate of others, must change to keep up with the times, and those which are discarded must be replaced by newer, more appropriate ones. But the need is still there. Manners are still the guideposts to gracious living, and a knowledge of how to behave still gives one self-confidence, security, and self-respect.

I, too, wish that etiquette were taught in the schools. Many parents have abdicated their responsibility in teaching their children basic good manners, and if they are not taught at home, where will they receive such instruction? The number of letters I receive from teenagers is evidence of the lack of instruction they get at home. If their parents had taught them the most rudimentary principles of etiquette, they would surely not go to the trouble of writing to a columnist for information on their social problems.

Unfortunately, schools are invariably so pressed for money and teachers that they are loathe to start any courses they do not consider essential. And I have yet to find a principal who considered the subject more than a desirable adjunct to other teaching, but far from essential. Possibly if this attitude were different they would be paid off by less vandalism, better teacher- pupil relationships, and more cooperation and obedience to rules.

Manners in School

As parents, there is only one thing we can do, and that is to talk to teachers and to principals in our children's schools. If it is not possible to have a separate class in etiquette, it is not impossible that teachers in the younger grades could incorporate “manners” into many of the other subjects they teach. Some do, to be sure, but they are few and far between.

I would also like to see educational films on manners shown, and this, too, has been discussed a great deal. Television has finally incorporated some of this into the delightful and educational show, “Sesame Street.” Again, it is lack of funds which has prevented these films from being made and shown.

So, mothers, let us unite. If enough of you would like to see more etiquette taught in schools and through TV, write to me and tell me your ideas about it. If you provide me with enough ammunition, enough proof of the need, we might conceivably bring an influence to bear on those who could promote a “good manners” revolution. – By Elizabeth Post of the Emily Post Institute, 1970

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Royal Etiquette of Siam

Politeness and respect demand that in speaking to Royalty a special set of words be used - a custom which seems to be due to the common feeling that the use of a foreign or unusual word to express a vulgar object makes the object appear less vulgar. In other words, as the Royal ears might be shocked at hearing a spade called a spade, it is necessary to call it an agricultural implement. – Public domain image of Vajiravudh (Rama VI), King of Siam (now Thailand) in 1915

SIAM'S ROYAL ETIQUETTE

Only Specially Polite Talk Allowed at Court Functions

The King’s person is by far the most sacred thing in Siam. Court etiquette is exceedingly strict, and the ceremonies connected with the throne, such as coronations, are all of a religious nature and are strongly imbued with Brahman influences.

Twice a year the Princes and the noble, or official classes, throughout the country make oath of allegiance to the King. This ceremony is called “Teu Nam,” or “The Holding of Water,” and is of ancient origin, having been observed at the Court of the Kings of Brahman India more than 2,500 years ago. 

In Bangkok the rites are observed in the presence of the King in a temple adjoining the palace. Within the precincts are gathered together the Princes and the leading officers of state, while beyond, upon the wide lawns of the outer palace inclosure, detachments of cavalry, artillery and marines, battalions of infantry and white elephants are drawn up in the panoply of glittering accouterments.

To the sound of drums and the blare of the Royal trumpets the King appears from the inner palace, seated upon a gilded throne carried shoulder high. A thousand bayonets flash to the Royal salute, guns thunder and the massed bands play the national anthem as his Royal Majesty is borne along the front of the troops.

Arrived within, the King seats himself and watches the Court and officers of state walk in, two by two, take from a table a small cup of water specially prepared for the function by powerful Brahman charms, touch it with their lips and retire through an outer door. In the provinces this same ceremony is enacted before the official representatives of the King, and thus the whole country binds itself to the loyal observance of the Royal commands.

Politeness and respect demand that in speaking to Royalty a special set of words be used - a custom which seems to be due to the common feeling that the use of a foreign or unusual word to express a vulgar object makes the object appear less vulgar. In other words, as the Royal ears might be shocked at hearing a spade called a spade, it is necessary to call it an agricultural implement. 

This so called “palace language” is so complete that not only are the crow, dog, cat and other common animals expressed by special words, but the actions of Royalty, such as eating, sleeping, walking, speaking, bathing, dying, are spoken of in words much more distinguished and polite than those used to describe similar actions of ordinary people.–From Exchange, 1915

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Importance of Table Manners Understated

It is surprising how few of us eat absolutely nicely. This does not refer by any means exclusively to those who have not had the advantage of early training. Men, and even women, who, by their birth and breeding. should have good table manners are not above reproach in this respect.

Love Affairs Not Dependent on Table Manners

“Do you remember the hero of Charles Dudley Warner who fell in love with his wife because she ate s0 daintily?” asks the North American. If most of our love affairs depended on our good manners, it is to be feared that this would be a rather loveless old earth.

It is surprising how few of us eat absolutely nicely. This does not refer by any means exclusively to those who have not had the advantage of early training. Men, and even women, who, by their birth and breeding. should have good table manners are not above reproach in this respect.

Of course, we may not indulge in such glaring faults as jugglery with one’s knife, talking with a full mouth, drinking with a spoon in the cup or eating with painful audibleness. But how many of us, for instance, eat our bread only after breaking it into small bits? Do we all remember to dip our soup spoons away from, rather than toward us. Do we duck our heads to get that soup, instead of lifting the spoon to our mouths?

This latter breach of table niceties is something of a temptation, it must be confessed. If one is large of body. shaky of hand and with a fine regard for clean shirt fronts or blouses, which the rigid rules prescribed forbid covering with an expanse of tucked in napkin. Perhaps someone may say, “Finikin’ nonsense, all this talk on table etiquette. It is what a man is that counts, not externals.”

Unfortunately, except to one’s nearest and dearest, what one is may be so obscured by what one does as to go practically unrevealed. A big heart or a profound brain may be admired, but somehow with most of us it is the grating little unpleasantnesses of conversation or manner of those kind, brainy men and women that make the deepest impression.

Too great a stress cannot be laid upon a thorough training in table niceties. If we do not want some one to have occasion to wince at the offensive ways of eating of our children, as we have often winced at others, we should begin almost from the cradle to instill the principles of dainty table manners. – The San Francisco Call, 1907

 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Unwritten Social Etiquette

“And there is the man to whom you haven't been introduced.. You may sit side by side with him, you may know perfectly well who he is, he may even be the friend of your dearest friend, but— you must not speak to him. He might think it strange. You must wait until certain magic words have been pronounced in his presence and yours, and then - presto! all barriers have

melted away, and what five minutes before would have been an unpardonable lapse has now become a fatuous conventionality.

Thus it is.”

Unwritten Manners of the Sexes

While innumerable books of etiquette are being written, published and read by the thousands for whom they are intended, It is interesting to note the tacit observances of the unwritten laws of which one sees examples in every streetcar, restaurant or public building. There are hundreds of these unwritten laws, rarely spoken of, never formulated, and yet it is by the strict observance of these that a man is socially judged.

He may be of the kind who finds the study of the etiquette textbook inevitable, or he may be of the sort to whom such work is unknown, but if he be found wanting in any of the thousand and one little finenesses which mark the line between a gentleman and one who is not, the cachet of his class is stamped upon him.

One of these recognized conveniences is the treatment evoked by the streetcar. Should a man enter one of these vehicles and find it already occupied by a woman, the unwritten law demands that he shall seat himself as far from her as the length of the car will allow. It is even better should he decide to ride outside. For by removing himself to the greatest possible distance he is displaying his knowledge of a fine distinction of courtesy which those not of the elect might even decry.

The same distinction holds good in the treatment accorded a woman who may have to enter a restaurant alone. It is not thinkable that any man beholding a table unoccupied save by one or two women would venture to seat himself at it so long as there were other vacant tables near. He must force himself to occupy any seat rather than that one. But should he discover an empty table and a woman should be compelled to occupy it with him, beyond passing her the salt, he must not even appear to know that she exists.

Of this ilk is the blue-blooded restaurant eater. And there are services rendered. A woman may ask almost any service of a man - provided he be of the right degree of amiability - she may even talk with him for full fifteen minutes while he gives her directions presumably concerning her right course, the location and routes of streetcars, or the haunts of the express offices.

He may do all this and she may have been complaisance itself, receiving his words with "nods and becks and wreathed smiles," but if she sees him again later, she must not recognize his presence by so much as the fall of an eyelash. If she does she, too, is stamped. Such are the woman’s limitations.

And there is the man to whom you haven't been introduced.. You may sit side by side with him, you may know perfectly well who he is, he may even be the friend of your dearest friend, but— you must not speak to him. He might think it strange. You must wait until certain magic words have been pronounced in his presence and yours, and then - presto! all barriers have melted away, and what five minutes before would have been an unpardonable lapse has now become a fatuous conventionality.

Thus it is.

And so it goes. Certain limitations for man, certain others for woman. But these unwritten laws must be recognized, else we are pariahs, for such is the law of the great, round world - at least of that portion of it in which we live and move - and being prone to conformity, we conform. _ San Francisco Call, 1907

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Taste and Etiquette

Manners are more than just knowing the rules. It is living them that counts. - Pictured above, the dinner scene from the movie Titanic with a group of supposed ladies and gentlemen. Yet few at this table in the movie, have really earned the titles, or live up to them, in their truest forms. 

A 2nd debut article from 2017

Of Methods and Manners

Showing That Different Persons Attach Entirely  Different Meanings to the Words Constituting the Caption Hereof… “Taste and Etiquette”

Different persons have entirely different opinions in regard to taste and etiquette. Some are sticklers for certain manifestations, of good breeding, while others lay stress upon other and quite dissimilar rules of behavior. 

For instance: 

• There are men who would be ashamed to eat with their knives, even in private, but who will talk at the top of their voices in the public reading-room.
• And men who, though they would scorn to remain seated in a horse car while a pretty girl is standing, will throw a banana skin on the sidewalk, regardless of the inevitable consequence. 
• And women who are scrupulously neat as to hands and fingers, but who will, nevertheless, persist in wearing the biggest hat at the theater that they can possibly get hold of.
• And women who sing like seraphs, and yet will they keep the rear window wide open, though they know that it means pneumonia to one-half of their fellow passengers, and catarrh and sore throat to the other half. 
• And men who never forget to lift their hats to a lady, but who cannot be trusted with impunity for a dollar. 
• And women who would die rather than eat their soup from the end of their spoon, but who will lie like Ananias upon the slightest provocation.
• And women whose conversation is a liberal education and perennial delight to the listener, and yet their hair presents first-class presumptive evidence that it hasn't had the acquaintance with comb and brush for a month, at least.
• And men who are scrupulously careful to give a lady the inside of the walk, and yet think nothing of calling upon you at your busiest hour and boring you until you until you wish you were dead. 
• And boys who never forget to say "Yes, sir," and "Yes, ma'am," but who are taken with sudden sickness the moment they are asked to do an errand for their mothers.
• And girls who do not have to be coaxed to play upon the piano before company, but who will turn around and giggle when a strange man makes remarks about them in the street. 
• And men who would not clean their nails in public, but who will shove a pewter quarter on to a blind man about them in the street. 
• And men who would never interrupt another while he is speaking, but who will advise their best friend to invest in a worthless stock, simply because they have some of that stock which they wish to dispose of. 
• And men who are too polite to look over your shoulder when you are writing, who think nothing of registering false oaths at the Custom-house almost daily. 

Many more instances might be adduced, but the above will suffice to show that we do not all think alike upon these little matters of etiquette. — Boston Transcript, 1885

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1930’s American Engagement Etiquette

Question: Is public announcement made when the engagement is to be long?
Answer: This again is largely a matter of personal taste, but the announcement is often made to protect the couple from conjecture and gossip. – Above, A 1934 wedding invitation.

 

Standard Rules of Etiquette

Question: Should the young man's relatives call upon his fiancée upon receiving news of his engagement?

Answer: Etiquette requires that in 24 hours after receiving the news of the engagement, the groom's relatives should call on the bride and her family, welcoming her in the family. Later they should give a dinner, tea or dance in her honor, if the engagement is announced publicly. If there is no public announcement, they entertain her in a more quiet fashion.

Question: Is public announcement made when the engagement is to be long?

Answer: This again is largely a matter of personal taste, but the announcement is often made to protect the couple from conjecture and gossip. – Imperial Valley News, 1931

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia