Gilded Age Bachelors Dining Out

“Dinner invitations are sent out at least a fortnight in advance. In the New York season sometimes they are issued a full month before the event. They must, under all circumstances, be answered within twenty-four hours, and cards left on your prospective host and hostess within a week. The fashionable hours for dining are between half past seven and eight o'clock. Dinners being formal evening functions, formal evening dress is essential.”

ETIQUETTE AND THE ‘DINER-OUT’

When I speak of the “diner-out,” I include under this title the bachelor guest not only at dinners, but also at luncheons and at suppers. The formal breakfast is a festivity of the past, and the first meal in a household is purely a family affair. However, luncheons on Sunday at one or two o'clock are in New York frequently called breakfasts, because I believe many fashionable people do not want the impression to go abroad that even once a week they dine in the middle of the day. The luncheon after a day wedding ceremony is also called a breakfast, but this, like the Sunday meal, is simply a title by courtesy.

Luncheons, where men are guests, are popular entertainments at all the large summer resorts, such as Newport, Long Branch, Bar Harbor, as well as at the more celebrated of the Western and Pacific watering places and the winter cities of the South. In New York and other great centers, where there exists a number of gentlemen of leisure, these entertainments are greatly in vogue, and in Washington they sometimes assume the color of diplomatic functions.

The hour for a luncheon is half past one o'clock, and sometimes it is advanced to two. All guests are expected to be punctual to the minute and to take advantage even of the quarter of an hour latitude is bad form. Better a little too early than too late. However, do not make yourself ridiculous by appearing on the scene too soon. Bear in mind that the reputation of being the “late Mr. Smith” is not enviable. A tardy guest only accentuates his own insignificance. This rule applies to dinners and suppers and to all entertainments where you are a guest, with only one exception—dances, where you have an hour's grace.

Luncheons, as a rule, are informal affairs. Men have attended them in lounge suits, but it is more courteous to your hostess to appear in afternoon dress. Overcoats, hats, and sticks are left in the hall. Your gloves are removed in the drawing room. When luncheon is announced, unless it is a very formal affair, your hostess leads the way to the dining room, and she is followed by her guests, women and men, not in procession. The men, of course, must allow the fairer sex to pass before them through the drawing-room door and into the dining room. Luncheon menus consist of oysters, clams, or grape fruit with crushed ice and saturated with maraschino for the first course. This is followed by bouillon, an entrée, a roast or chops with peas, or broiled chicken, salad with birds, ices and fruits, coffee and liqueurs. Sherry and claret are the wines, and sometimes champagne is served.

A luncheon lasts three hours at most, and the men are left to smoke at dessert. However, sometimes this formality is waived.

Dinner invitations are sent out at least a fortnight in advance. In the New York season sometimes they are issued a full month before the event. They must, under all circumstances, be answered within twenty-four hours, and cards left on your prospective host and hostess within a week.

The fashionable hours for dining are between half past seven and eight o'clock. Dinners being formal evening functions, formal evening dress is essential.

Except at very small houses and apartments, two rooms are reserved—one for the men and the other for the ladies—as dressing rooms. Your hat, coat, and outdoor attire are removed, and a servant will assist you in arranging your toilet. A nefarious practice of feeing these attendants, even at private houses, has been somewhat in vogue in a very "smart" and wealthy set in New York. It is not good form, and I would advise you against it.

The servant who announces you, hands you a small envelope on which is written your name. This incloses a card on which is the name of the lady whom you are to take in to dinner. After exchanging greetings with your hostess and removing your gloves, you should endeavor to find your partner and engage in some preliminary conversation. Should you not have been presented to her, inform your hostess of this fact, and you will be at once introduced. Dinner is announced by the butler entering the drawing room and saying, "Dinner is served." The host leads the way with the woman guest of honor, and you are assigned your place in the procession by the hostess, who comes last with the man guest of honor. Each man offers his right arm to his fair partner. In the dining room, cards are placed at each cover with the names of the guests inscribed thereon. Even should there be a retinue of servants, pull back the chair of your partner and assist her to seat herself. In some old-fashioned houses grace is said, and it is always the rule when a clergyman is one of the guests. This blessing is asked after the company is seated.

During dinner you must devote yourself to the comfort and entertainment of the woman whom you have taken in. She must be your first care, although there may be some one on your other side, or opposite, who is more congenial to you. Talking across the table is very bad form. Let your conversation be pleasant and general, but avoid politics, religion, and personal criticisms.

There is no form for refusing wine, if it is against your scruples to drink it. Do not thus force your personal prejudices on your host by making any demonstration, such as putting your finger over the glass or shaking your head at the butler. Let him fill your glasses, but do not drink the contents. The question of waste is not to be considered; and if you are a man with firm principles regarding total abstinence, in your heart you should rejoice that at least a quota of the fluid will do no harm.

The hostess gives the signal at dessert for the ladies to retire to the drawing room. Everybody rises, and the ladies leave the table in solemn procession, the man nearest the door opening it for them. A prettier custom, and one much in vogue in New York, is the escorting of the ladies by the men to the drawing room, the host leading the way. When the drawing-room door is reached the men bow and retire again to the dining room, where coffee, liqueurs, and cigars are served. At the end of a half hour they return to the drawing room. Another half hour of conversation, during which sometimes there is dancing, and the guests make their adieus to their hostess and host and leave. On bidding good-night, always assure your hostess of the pleasant evening which you have enjoyed.

Progressive dinners are sometimes given, although now almost obsolete. Small tables are arranged for these with parties of four or six at each table. The guests change places at each course, the signal for this being given by the hostess ringing a bell. The ladies remain in their seats. As there will not be a fresh napkin provided at each course, a man brings his with him from his first table.

Public dinners, except when given by certain church, debating, or literary societies, are stag affairs. The guests assemble at the restaurant, hotel, or hall where the banquet is to be held, and deposit their hats, coats, and walking paraphernalia in the cloakroom. A ticket is given with the number of your rack upon it, and a small fee—usually twenty-five cents—is expected. The guests assemble in one of the smaller drawing rooms, and each one is handed a plan of the tables with the location of his cover designated by his name upon it. A procession is formed, the guests of honor and reception committee leading, to the banquet hall. After dessert, speeches are in order.

Dinner dances are a form of entertainment where dinner is followed by a dance, other guests coming in from other dinner parties and meeting at one house which has been agreed upon as the place where the dance is to take place. A short time after dinner, at each of the other houses, the guests are conveyed therefrom in carriages, or, better yet, in stages, to the general rendezvous. Calls are due within the week at the house where you have dined as well as at the one at which you have danced.

Supper etiquette differs but little from that observed at dinners. The occasion is a bit more informal and the menu not so elaborate. The etiquette of ball suppers is treated in the chapter on The Dance, and suppers after the play, at restaurants and clubs, being favorite bachelor entertainments, will be explained in that part of this book reserved for the Bachelor as Host. — The Complete Bachelor, by Walter Germain, 1896

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Business Etiquette Diversity IQ Test

Today’s workplace is nothing like your great grandparents’. Workplace etiquette is continuously evolving, as is what is considered one’s actual “workplace.” This Workforce Diversity Quiz is from the mid-1990’s, though the advice given is perfect for many situations in the workplace of today.
—————
4. You are a white male. Several new positions have been created at your company, but the informal buzz is that they are being reserved for “a certain type of person.” You want to apply but fear that you are not the right color or gender. How do you handle the situation? * A. You ask your boss whether you should apply * B. You let it slide and complain to your colleagues in private that white men just don’t stand a chance at this place * C. You apply

Work Force Diversity...

 Test Your Diversity IQ

Here’s a chance to test your diversity-etiquette IQ by matching your answers against those of our experts in this multiple-choice test. Not everyone will agree with the answers our experts have provided. Clearly, there often is no right or wrong answer. Still, we offer this tentative road map to the evolving new manners of the workplace.

1. A woman in your office is very private about her personal life. You suspect she’s a lesbian, but you want her to know that’s OK with you. So you:

* A. Tell a few lesbian jokes to provoke comment

* B. Invite her out for a drink to talk about it

* C. Mind your own business

The answer is C. She has every right to keep her personal life as private as she wants to, and many lesbian and gay men in the workplace have reason to be fearful of their sexual orientation becoming known. However, if you are supportive and she’s ready to talk about it, she will. You cannot force the issue. As for the other two choices, the first option could be construed as harassment, and inviting her out for a drink might also be construed as sexual harassment, whether you’re a man or a woman.

2. Your male boss has taped a photo of a scantily clad woman from a lingerie catalogue on the wall of his office cubicle. Each time you confer with him, you are forced to see this photo, which you find inappropriate for the workplace. What do you do?

* A. Put up a Chippendale’s male dancer poster

* B. Talk to him about it

* C. Talk to his supervisor about it

The answer is B. Our experts recommend using the most informal method initially. You might say, “That photo makes me uncomfortable, and I’d appreciate it if you took it down.” If talking individually to him doesn’t work, you could ask him to meet with a group of women co-workers to show that you are not the only one who finds the picture offensive. Do not post your own poster; you do not want to escalate the situation by stooping to his level.

3. You are an executive in a medium-sized company. Lately you have been hearing a lot of grumbling and complaints about Susan, a mid-level manager. After some investigation, it becomes apparent that Susan is not doing her job, although there’s no smoking gun that would allow you to fire her immediately. Plus, you have another problem: Your company needs to show that its management ranks include a certain percentage of women and minorities, and Susan is both. Still, you are increasingly worried about flagging morale. What do you do?

* A. Fire Susan

* B. Ignore the situation; eventually it will go away

* C. Explain to the staff why firing Susan would cause a problem

* D. Talk with Susan

The answer is D. In fact, our experts say not talking with Susan on a regular basis could have caused the problem in the first place. Part of your job includes providing employees with feedback about how to improve their performance. As a boss, you have a responsibility to develop her talents and communicate with her regularly so things don’t degenerate to the point where you have to fire her. However, if after talking and coaching Susan, you conclude that she is still not performing up to company standards, fire her and document it. Otherwise, you would be supporting an incompetent person to the detriment of everyone.

4. You are a white male. Several new positions have been created at your company, but the informal buzz is that they are being reserved for “a certain type of person.” You want to apply but fear that you are not the right color or gender. How do you handle the situation?

* A. You ask your boss whether you should apply

* B. You let it slide and complain to your colleagues in private that white men just don’t stand a chance at this place

* C. You apply

The answer is A. Our experts advise being as direct and upfront as possible in this situation. Tell your boss you are interested in the position but that you have heard the job may be reserved. Then ask whether it’s appropriate for you to apply. If you have a good boss, he or she will be honest in answering. The boss has a responsibility to tell you whether the job is reserved and why. The boss may tell you, “We need a person of that gender or race in this company because we realize we need different points of view and voices as we make our business decisions.”

5. You are a woman working in a mostly male office. You feel shut out of social interactions with your colleagues and bosses because the men cluster together at every opportunity to discuss sports. You couldn’t be more bored by the topic, but you realize you are missing important opportunities to schmooze and bond socially with higher-ups. You also have a nagging feeling they are doing this to exclude you. You should:

* A. Seethe silently

* B. Bone up on sports so you can take part in this important ritual

* C. Say something

The answer is C. You don’t want to stop men from enjoying their sports confabs, but you also want to feel included and to reap the benefits of these informal relationships. You might say, “Hey, I’m really not interested in sports, but I’d like to be included in conversations, so can we find some other topic in common that we can discuss?” The trick is not to imply that the men are behaving badly, which will only alienate them, but to make it clear what your needs are and that you want to feel included.

6. You work with a person of color. You like this person and want to become more friendly but feel awkward in conversation. You’re not sure how to refer to him or her. As a black? African American? Nor are you sure how to refer to Mexican Americans. By that term or Hispanic? Chicano? Latino? What is the appropriate and sensitive way to proceed?

* A. You play it safe and avoid the topic

* B. You float a term like a trial balloon and wait for the person’s reaction

* C. You ask the person what he or she would like to be called

The answer is C. The reason you feel uncomfortable is because in our society we think it’s inappropriate to introduce and discuss such topics. You might tell your colleague that while you feel awkward about being so blunt, you are bringing up the subject so you can learn. This sets the tone for further communication and dialogue.

7. You are Japanese American. Your boss and some of her colleagues are discussing where to go for lunch. They want Chinese food. Your boss sees you and exclaims happily, “Let’s ask May! She’ll know.” You:

* A. Say, “Why don’t we ask a Chinese American person; I’m Japanese American.”

* B. Make an ethnic joke

* C. Say, “How would I know?”

The answer is A. Don’t assume your boss is a racist, but don’t let it pass unregarded. Take the middle ground. Try to engage your boss in a conversation that will educate her.

8. You’re walking into your office building when you see someone who is apparently partially paralyzed struggling to open the door. You:

* A. Rush up and hold the door open

* B. Stand back and wait for the person or go to another door to avoid the situation

* C. Ask if the person would like help

The answer is C. Don’t make any assumptions— ask instead. When people see someone with a disability, they often assume they don’t have to ask for permission to help. But that is condescending. However uncomfortable it may be, ask first.

9. You are a black female manager. Yesterday you were having lunch in a restaurant with a colleague when you overheard a conversation between Brad, one of your young, white, male employees, and his lunch companion. Brad was complaining vehemently about the lack of opportunity for white men in your group. He said all the recent promotions have gone either to women or people of color, and he threatened to see an attorney because he believes he is a victim of reverse discrimination. What do you do?

* A. Stop by Brad’s table on the way out to say ‘hello‘

* B. Ignore what you heard because Brad was on his own time

* C. Enroll Brad in the company’s next diversity training workshop

* D. Talk to Brad about what you heard

The answer is D and possibly C. Although it might be easier to ignore what you heard, the situation should be handled in a more direct way. Talk to Brad and explain that you inadvertently overheard his conversation and ask him to share more of his thoughts and opinions with you.

Many white men today feel “out of the loop” and passed over for promotions. Some also fail to see women and people of color as individuals, instead focusing on them as representatives of groups that are taking something away from them because of affirmative action programs or government intervention.

In your talk, try to help Brad explore why he’s not being promoted and others are. Also try to help him realize that he is still valued as a member of your staff. It is your job to help Brad see that diversity is a workplace reality that will not go away. You could send Brad to a diversity training course, but this should not be seen as a punishment, and it must be reinforced by discussions before, during and after the training.

10. You’re a male employee who’s receiving love notes from a female co-worker. She wears low cut blouses, leans over your desk, brushes up against you whenever she gets a chance. Everyone in the office thinks it’s a joke, including your boss, but you’re not laughing. You’ve already told her to stop, but she won’t. What should you do?

* A. Complain to a co-worker and find a way to retaliate

* B. Go to your boss, even though he thinks the whole thing is a joke

* C. File an EEOC complaint

The answer is B. You need to go through your direct supervisor first, even if he thinks it’s a joke. You should also put your complaints in writing so there will be a paper trail. Your complaint will then have to make its way up the ladder through the company. It is necessary to follow the chain of command and exhaust in-house remedies before seeking outside action.

11. Maria is a Latina being interviewed for a corporate position. She feels the interview is going well. As it winds down, Maria’s prospective boss says: “Gee, I really admire your ambition. It must have been tough for you to leave your roots behind in order to succeed in the business world.” How should Maria respond?

* A. Let it pass, fearing that if she calls him on his racist comment, she won’t get the job

* B. Make a snide comment back

* C. Regardless of whether Maria gets the job, she should remind him of what he said and explain why she found it upsetting

The answer is C. Whether Maria gets the job or not, she should tell her interviewer afterward that she was offended. Of course, this is a measured risk. Sometimes, when unpleasant comments are made, one has to ask: “Is this a battle I want to fight?” You can win the war, but you can’t win every battle. On the other hand, Maria may decide she doesn’t want to work at a company where people feel free to make such comments.

12. You are a woman who regularly attends management meetings that are dominated by men. One of the men has a penchant for telling sexist jokes. He thinks they’re funny; you find them offensive. What should you do?

* A. Say nothing and hope it doesn’t happen again, but secretly prepare your own sexist jokes aimed at men

* B. Boycott the meetings

* C. Challenge the man and his joke. Say, “I don’t believe this is happening in this room and I find it offensive.”

* D. Go to the boss

There are several ways to handle this common office problem. One choice is C, challenging the joke teller. However, our experts say that if the man persists in telling such jokes, complaining to the boss is the next step.

13. You supervise a group that is composed of three-person teams. Today, one of your white employees came in to talk to you about two other team members. She says they frequently speak Spanish when the three of them are working together and she feels left out. She also thinks they are talking about her. She wants you to stop them from speaking Spanish during working hours. You:

* A. Tell her you think she’s overreacting

* B. Have a group meeting and talk to all of your employees about the issue

* C. Agree to the employee’s request and issue a written memo saying that only English will be spoken in the workplace

* D. Talk to the three people involved

The answer is D and possibly B. Although you cannot stop the two employees from speaking their native language, you can talk about the impact of speaking in a language that other team members don’t understand.

It would also be helpful to determine if there’s a valid reason for their choosing to speak Spanish on the job. Often, employees find it more convenient to communicate work problems in the language they are most comfortable with. If these employees are not fluent in English, perhaps you should provide language training.

The white employee’s complaint is not unusual. She feels left out and assumes that the other two people are talking about her. You should make it clear that you are not forbidding the employees to speak in their native language, but rather asking them to include her and be sensitive to her feelings.

14. John is a 30-year-old black man who has worked in your group for three years. He has an MBA from one of the best business schools in the country and is one of your top performers. An opportunity for a promotion just came up in the corporate office, and you recommended John for the job.

A colleague in the corporate office has other thoughts. Although he is complimentary of John’s work, he doesn’t feel John is “right for the job.” The problem is that John is viewed as arrogant and cocky. Further, John ruffled a few feathers when he challenged the company president about his commitment to diversity during an open forum meeting.

Your colleague said he would interview John but offered little hope that John would get the job. He even hinted that you’d be jeopardizing your own career by sponsoring John. What should you do?

* A. Sponsor John for the position and let him take his chances during the interview

* B. Heed your colleague’s warning. After all, you don’t want to put your career in jeopardy

* C. Sponsor John but give him some coaching before the interview

The answer is C. You should give John as much help as possible in assessing whether this is the right job for him, as well as in preparing for the interview. It would probably be inappropriate for you to share what your colleague said, but it might be useful to give John feedback on how some people perceive him.

Part of a manager’s job is to support their employees and act as sponsors or mentors, which often involves giving feedback based on subjective information. You should be prepared to talk to John about your own view of his work and his behavior.

Assessment of someone’s self-confidence is often based on other feelings we have about the person. Minority men have complained that their self-confidence is perceived as arrogance, while the same trait is viewed more positively in their white colleagues.

If you feel John’s self-confidence is unnecessarily inflated and unseemly, he needs to hear this and have the opportunity to improve.

15. You are a corporate manager interviewing applicants for a marketing job that would include some travel and putting on seminars. One of the applicants, Mel, uses a wheelchair. You have concerns about whether his disability would interfere with the job requirements. You want to bring up the subject but aren’t sure how to handle it. You:

* A. Level with Mel, telling him that despite his qualifications, you worry that his disability will affect his ability to do the job

* B. Ignore the issue, thank Mel and put his application in the circular file

* C. Ask Mel to describe how he would handle the job on a daily basis

The answer is C. With reasonable accommodation, 90% of all jobs can be done by 90% of all working-age people with disabilities. Chances are that if Mel is qualified, his disability will pose no problem.

You should focus on Mel’s experience, qualifications and ability to do the job, not his disability. But don’t be afraid to discuss in an open, straightforward manner how he would approach his job duties and what accommodations, if any, might be necessary. Under the federal Americans With Disabilities Act, answer B would constitute discrimination. Answer A could be discriminatory.

The Diversity IQ Experts
The answers to our “diversity IQ” test were provided by the following group of experts.
* Ed Mickens, a business columnist for the Advocate and publisher of Working It Out, the Newsletter for Gay and Lesbian Employment Issues.
* Alan Reich, of the National Organization on Disability, a Washington-based nonprofit group that promotes full participation of Americans with disabilities in all aspects of life.
* Gerda Steele, a Pasadena-based diversity expert.
* Joy Hawkins, Los Angeles-based, specializing in diversity and leadership issues.
* Elsie Cross, who runs Elsie Y. Cross Associates, in Philadelphia.

— By Denise Hamilton, Los Angeles Times, 1994

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Spotlight on Isabel E. Martinez

                                 

Meet Venezuelan Etiquette Authority and Etiquipedia Contributor, Isabel E. Martinez, of Spain

Meet Isabel. E. Martinez of Spain. Isabel was educated in Business Management at the Universidad Católica Andrés Bello, in Caracas, Venezuela. After relocating for a few years to Miami, Florida, Isabel developed a company teaching computer skills. Among her clients were Baccardi in Bermuda, and Mavesa, Telcel (Movistar), and Heinz in Venezuela. That is when she discovered her passion for teaching. 

As her children became adults, she shifted her focus and dedicated her time to teach on subjects she is very passionate about; Hospitality and Table Etiquette. Now living in Spain, throughout workshops in English and in Spanish, Isabel works with employees in the hospitality industry, and those business professionals who when interacting with customers, would like to make sure that they are the most professional representations of their companies. Especially when attending business lunches and events. She also offers youth and teen courses in etiquette, helping them to excel with integrity and pride in whatever field they desire to pursue. 

Teaching at a women’s event in Doha, Qatar

Below are links to Isabel E. Martinez’ articles on etiquette which you’ll currently find on Etiquipedia. More are coming soon! ;

• Dining Etiquette and History in Spain
• Napkin Etiquette and Usage
• Restaurant Job Interview

The following is a Q. & A. with Isabel:

It was the combination of these two defining experiences — a childhood rooted in the values of the table, and the discovery of my passion for teaching — that led me to what I now believe is my true calling: sharing the art of table etiquette and the transformative power of hospitality with others.

What was the impetus or pathway for starting a career in Etiquette? How did you get started? 
Some of my most vivid childhood memories are of my parents teaching us proper manners at the table. As children, we underestimated its value — as children often do. But as I grew older and began dining in different places and different settings, I realized how deeply those principles had been imprinted in me. And more importantly, I began to notice how much it truly matters.

I studied Business and because I was good using Microsoft programs while I was working, when I got married, I lived for several years in Florida, US, at that time, I started teaching Microsoft software programs and discovered the joy of teaching.

It was the combination of these two defining experiences — a childhood rooted in the values of the table, and the discovery of my passion for teaching — that led me to what I now believe is my true calling: sharing the art of table etiquette and the transformative power of hospitality with others. Because good manners are not just about rules. They are about respect. They are about making every person at your table feel seen, valued and welcome. And that, I believe, is a gift worth passing on.

We may come from different cultures, different backgrounds and different corners of the world, but we share the same mission — to keep alive the art of genuine human connection, “one table at a time”.

What (or who) do you find the most enjoyable with regard to Etiquette and your work? 
What I enjoy most is the extraordinary opportunity this industry brings — the chance to meet remarkable people who share the same passion for teaching, for serving and for making others feel truly welcome. It is astonishing how connected we all are, united by a common purpose: to spread the importance of hospitality and good manners. And it does not have to be limited to those working in the world of etiquette and protocol. You can see it — almost like a quiet glow — in everyone who works in any service-related field.

That network is something truly special. We may come from different cultures, different backgrounds and different corners of the world, but we share the same mission — to keep alive the art of genuine human connection, “one table at a time”.

What do you find the most rewarding aspect of your career in Etiquette?
Perhaps the most rewarding moment in my career comes at the end of every workshop — the smile on every face as the session draws to a close. It is as if a door has been opened that my students never knew existed. And watching them step through it, with curiosity and newfound confidence, never gets old.

Afternoon Tea Event recently taped for the Chinese viewing market in Southern California in early March, 2026

I have had the privilege of teaching in different countries, to people of vastly different backgrounds, ages and walks of life. I will confess that there are moments, just before I begin, when I ask myself: "What could I possibly teach these people?" — particularly when faced with an audience of great experience and knowledge. And yet, without exception, I am always reminded that no matter who we are or where we come from, there is always something new to discover, always another layer of refinement to uncover.

But perhaps the most deeply fulfilling experiences of my career have come through volunteering — offering workshops in places where access to this kind of knowledge is not easily or readily available. When a student looks at me at the end of a session and asks, "When are you coming back?" or "I wish we could have more workshops like this" — those words stay with me long after I have left. They are a quiet but powerful reminder of how much still needs to be done, and of how transformative education truly is when it reaches those who need it most. It is in those moments that I am most certain of my purpose.

Setting a table in costume at Afternoon Tea Event

What types of classes or training do you offer? How do you share your expertise?
I teach Table Etiquette and the Art of Hospitality — two subjects that I consider not merely related, but truly inseparable. One cannot exist at its fullest without the other.

My workshops are designed for a wide and diverse range of audiences:
• The Hospitality Industry — restaurants, hotels and service teams looking to elevate their standards and reconnect with the human side of their profession. They are "A Shot of Professional Vitamin”, a signature workshop for professionals seeking a confident, polished refresh of their social and dining skills.
• Basic English for Hospitality — tailored for employees who regularly receive international guests and wish to communicate with greater confidence and warmth.
• Children of all ages — introducing the next generation to the values of respect, consideration and gracious behavior at the table.
• Young adults — preparing them for the professional world with the social skills and confidence they need to make a lasting impression.
• Anyone who wishes to learn the art of hosting, dining elegantly or simply bringing more intention and beauty to their table.

My workshops are available both in person and online, in English and Spanish. Each session is built upon a carefully prepared foundation of material, thoroughly customized for the specific group I am working with — because no two audiences are the same, and no two workshops should be either. That personal touch is something I treasure deeply, and it is what makes each experience truly unique.

I am a firm believer in lifelong learning. I am constantly reading, researching and taking courses whenever the opportunity arises — because in this field, as in hospitality itself, there is always something new to discover, always another layer of excellence to pursue.

Teaching a personalized, one-on-one class in Spain

What age group do you enjoy working with most when it comes to etiquette? And why?
I genuinely enjoy every workshop I teach, each one for its own unique reasons.

Working with children is something wonderful. Recently, I had the joy of stepping into a classroom of four-year-olds — Their curiosity, their laughter and their eagerness to learn reminded me of why this work matters so deeply.

But perhaps the greatest surprise of recent years has been discovering the extraordinary thirst for knowledge that young adults carry with them. Something I did not fully anticipate — and it was nothing short of fantastic. This new generation has a remarkable amount of information and opportunity at their fingertips, and I am firmly convinced that those who invest in developing their social skills, their manners and their emotional intelligence will be the ones who truly thrive.

Daniel Post from Emily Post Institute is someone I admire. His family has been able to keep the Emily Post legacy alive. Will Guidara was the one who made me realize the Importance of Hospitality!

Who are some of the older etiquette authors or authorities you enjoy reading most?
Daniel Post from Emily Post Institute is someone I admire. His family has been able to keep the Emily Post legacy alive. Will Guidara was the one who made me realize the Importance of Hospitality! And last, but not least, our dear Maura J. Graber. She is a “walking encyclopedia”, an educator willing to spread her knowledge expecting nothing in return for whoever wants to learn.

To learn more about Isabel, visit her website: www.learningschool2.com or @isasetiquette on Instagram

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Centerpiece Etiquette and History

A thing of beauty, and social one-upmanship: An epergne, heavily laden with pineapples... an extravagant and expensive fruit in the Regency Era — “Fresh flowers were not used until the 19th century, but flowers of porcelain or silk often were part of the decoration in the 18th century. Because decorations were meant to show one’s status, rare, make-believe decorations were preferred. Large epergnes often were filled with fruit or dessert sweets in the center of the table. The 19th century hostess preferred fresh fruit, foliage and flower centerpieces. One writer suggested using a board for the table with a hole in the center. The hostess would place a tall plant beneath the hole so the leaves would form a large centerpiece.”

When Dinner-Party Centerpieces Spoke

Dinner-party decorations have been relatively unchanged for centuries. Many a hostess has been faced with a large, long table that had nothing in the center. The void has been filled with attractive vases, epergnes, figurines and fruit and flowers.

The 17th century table featured large and small platters of food. The platters, often made of silver or gold, helped to declare the wealth and importance of the host.

The food on the platters was prepared to be decorative. A cooked peacock was served with its colorful feathers adorning the platter, for instance. Some cooked animals were presented using their head and feet as decorations.

Fresh flowers were not used until the 19th century, but flowers of porcelain or silk often were part of the decoration in the 18th century. Because decorations were meant to show one’s status, rare, make-believe decorations were preferred.

Large epergnes often were filled with fruit or dessert sweets in the center of the table.

The 19th century hostess preferred fresh fruit, foliage and flower centerpieces.

One writer suggested using a board for the table with a hole in the center. The hostess would place a tall plant beneath the hole so the leaves would form a large centerpiece.

Other hostesses used high stands decorated with greenery and flowers.

Tables continued to have large centerpieces in the 20th century. Etiquette suggested that the arrangements should be low so the dinner guests could talk across the table. The wealthy arranged fruit or low flowers in silver bowls with decorations of three-dimensional cherubs or animals. Those with less money used simple bowls. — By Ralph and Terry Kovel, the Times, 1999

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette is in the Details

“When a table is set, the position of the forks may vary according to the tradition and origin of the silverware. Their tines may face either upward or downward.”

The Beauty of Little Details

One of the most rewarding aspects of working in etiquette and protocol is the endless opportunity to discover meaningful details every day and everywhere we go.

Details and knowledge are what make the difference. We do not notice what we do not know.

When a table is set, the position of the forks may vary according to the tradition and origin of the silverware. Their tines may face either upward or downward.

In the French tradition, fork tines face downward towards the tablecloth, however, in the English tradition they face upward. The knife, in both traditions, remains the same, its cutting edge always faces the plate.

The explanation is just a little detail of where their silver brand engraving is found in order to display them.

Before 1770, European silver also set their forks facing down and it was not until English table settings began turning their forks over when their engravings were moved to the front. France, retained this custom, while much of Europe gradually abandoned it between 1770 and 1830.

“Jean-Robert Pitte — geographer and Permanent Secretary of the *Académie des Sciences Morales et Politiques* — explains this history and supports preserving the tradition for a reason well understood in hospitality: tines facing downward feel far more welcoming than greeting a guest with what may resemble a threatening rake.”@hospitalityandbutler

This is only an example of the many small details we can discover in a beautiful table setting. Each requires a little knowledge to understand why both styles have their own particular charm.

Details and sensitivity are what transform a properly set table into a magnificent one.

I often describe table etiquette as a masterpiece in motion: a theatrical performance in which every element has an important role and a reason behind its place.

When a table setting is executed flawlessly, those details create memorable experiences we sometimes feel without realizing the effort, practice, and knowledge behind the “stage”.

Contributor, Isabel. E. Martinez, who was educated in Business Management at the Universidad Católica Andrés Bello, in Caracas, Venezuela. After relocating for a few years to Miami, Florida, Isabel developed a company teaching computer skills. Among her clients were Baccardi in Bermuda, and Mavesa, Telcel (Movistar), and Heinz in Venezuela. That is when she discovered her passion for teaching. As her children became adults, she shifted her focus and dedicated her time to teach on subjects she is very passionate about; Hospitality and Table Etiquette. Throughout workshops in English and in Spanish, Isabel works with employees in the hospitality industry, and those business professionals who when interacting with customers, would like to make sure that they are the most professional representations of their companies. Especially when attending business lunches and events. She also offers youth and teen courses in etiquette, helping them to excel with integrity and pride in whatever field they desire to pursue. To learn more about Isabel, visit her website: www.learningschool2.com or @isasetiquette

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

British Castle Afternoon Tea Etiquette

“To avoid those dreaded moments of silence, the hostess placed a conversation menu on each guest's plate,” said Heather. “Each of these cards had three different topics of conversation written on them, so when a lady lacked something to say she could subtly consult her card. It was important for a lady to know something of contemporary and historical events so she didn't appear ignorant in society. But there were certain topics, notably religion and personal gossip, which were considered inappropriate for polite society.” Heather Eisenhut— Public domain image of Castle Howard, North Yorkshire England, courtesy of Wikipedia 

Heather's cup of tea

HEATHER Eisenhut is an American with a love of all things English. She studied our literature, she revels in our history and she adores walking her dog in the green and pleasant countryside around her rural North Yorkshire home. But these pale next to her real passion in life: taking tea.

She didn't get her first taste of tea until she was 18, but it captured her imagination immediately. She was intrigued by its history and began studying its many and varied blends.

Heather left her home in Indiana and came to York to study English literature. She also took the opportunity to investigate the English obsession with tea in more depth.

"I started reading up on 19th century tea parties and the intricate rules of etiquette by which they were governed," she said. "I was sent to etiquette classes by my parents - manners are still very important in the South - so it was not such a great leap for me."

Heather has taken a year off from her formal studies to share her wealth of tea-related knowledge with visitors at Castle Howard. With the high falutin' title of education and interpretation co-ordinator, she runs 19th century-style "etiquette teas" in the glorious Grecian Hall, showing up to 60 pre-booked guests how to make the perfect pot of tea (always use leaves and steep them for precisely five minutes - not a minute more nor a minute less), how to avoid those embarrassing moments of silence with the help of conversation cards and how to decipher the tea leaves left in your cup.

As if all this were not enough, she also plies participants with a delicious feast of teacakes, sandwiches, scones and cakes created from period recipes.

She dresses in character - she was wearing a particularly severe riding costume on the day of our interview - and is often joined during tea by other grand costumed characters such as Lady Georgiana or Lady Rosalind, who mingle with guests and deign to take a little refreshment.

The refreshment in question is tea, which has been an English favourite since the 16th century. It was not until the 19th century, however that the leisurely process of taking afternoon tea became really popular. The Duchess of Bedford started the fashion when she had a tray of bread and butter, cakes and tea brought to her in the afternoon to avoid the pangs of hunger she felt while waiting for her fashionably late dinner, which would not normally be served until around 10pm.

The idea caught on quickly and soon became an essential part of the day for most aristocratic and upper middle class women. And it was not just because it satiated their appetites - it also fulfilled their need to socialise during a time when they were forbidden to venture outside their home without a chaperone.

"It was not until 1884, when the manageress of the ABC, or the Aerated Bread Company, opened a tea shop on London Bridge, that women could enjoy the social conversation of a tea in public," explained Heather. "These places provided a morally safe haven for women to see others and, perhaps more importantly, be seen by others.

"These early tea shops and the men-only coffee houses of the 18th century were given the nickname of Penny Universities because of the self-improving conversation which was meant to take place there."

Despite the introduction of tea shops, tea in the home remained the most popular form of entertainment for ladies, not least because it gave them an opportunity for a spot of unmitigated showing off. During an afternoon tea the hostess could demonstrate her impeccable taste in dress, manner, decoration and conversation. She could also, of course, fall flat on her face - metaphorically speaking.

"There were unwritten rules dictating how afternoon tea should be performed," said Heather. "It was important, for instance, not to choose flowers with too strong a scent as it was not unusual for tightly corseted ladies to faint if it was too overwhelming.

"If something went wrong, a lady could find herself ostracised from her peer group. A mishap during tea could be very embarrassing and very damaging to her social standing."

Making the perfect sarnie - crusts off, pressed thin between two plates and cut into pretty shapes - was important, but the tea itself was the real star of the show.

"Because of its value, the tea was always kept in a locked caddie, and the hostess would make the tea herself to avoid any of the precious leaves being wasted or stolen by unscrupulous servants," said Heather. "The choice of tea depended on availability, but when taxes were lowered and it became less expensive, the hostess had the opportunity to choose a variety to suit the weather or particular time of day."

Lapsang Souchong was - and still is - the perfect choice for a hot day, while Earl Grey or lemon is good for a warm day, China Black or Darjeeling for a cold day, and Assam for particularly inclement conditions.

Whatever tea was served and however many cress or anchovy sandwiches the guests were given, a tea party could still fail if conversation around the table ground to an embarrassing halt. So the 19th century ladies who lunched came up with an ingenious solution: they cheated.

To avoid those dreaded moments of silence, the hostess placed a conversation menu on each guest's plate," said Heather. "Each of these cards had three different topics of conversation written on them, so when a lady lacked something to say she could subtly consult her card.

"It was important for a lady to know something of contemporary and historical events so she didn't appear ignorant in society. But there were certain topics, notably religion and personal gossip, which were considered inappropriate for polite society., opened a tea shop on London Bridge, that women could enjoy the social conversation of a tea in public," explained Heather. "These places provided a morally safe haven for women to see others and, perhaps more importantly, be seen by others.

"These early tea shops and the men-only coffee houses of the 18th century were given the nickname of Penny Universities because of the self-improving conversation which was meant to take place there."

Despite the introduction of tea shops, tea in the home remained the most popular form of entertainment for ladies, not least because it gave them an opportunity for a spot of unmitigated showing off. During an afternoon tea the hostess could demonstrate her impeccable taste in dress, manner, decoration and conversation. She could also, of course, fall flat on her face - metaphorically speaking.

"There were unwritten rules dictating how afternoon tea should be performed," said Heather. "It was important, for instance, not to choose flowers with too strong a scent as it was not unusual for tightly corseted ladies to faint if it was too overwhelming.

"If something went wrong, a lady could find herself ostracised from her peer group. A mishap during tea could be very embarrassing and very damaging to her social standing."

Making the perfect sarnie - crusts off, pressed thin between two plates and cut into pretty shapes - was important, but the tea itself was the real star of the show.

"Because of its value, the tea was always kept in a locked caddie, and the hostess would make the tea herself to avoid any of the precious leaves being wasted or stolen by unscrupulous servants," said Heather. "The choice of tea depended on availability, but when taxes were lowered and it became less expensive, the hostess had the opportunity to choose a variety to suit the weather or particular time of day."

Lapsang Souchong was - and still is - the perfect choice for a hot day, while Earl Grey or lemon is good for a warm day, China Black or Darjeeling for a cold day, and Assam for particularly inclement conditions.

Whatever tea was served and however many cress or anchovy sandwiches the guests were given, a tea party could still fail if conversation around the table ground to an embarrassing halt. So the 19th century ladies who lunched came up with an ingenious solution: they cheated.

"To avoid those dreaded moments of silence, the hostess placed a conversation menu on each guest's plate," said Heather. "Each of these cards had three different topics of conversation written on them, so when a lady lacked something to say she could subtly consult her card.

"It was important for a lady to know something of contemporary and historical events so she didn't appear ignorant in society. But there were certain topics, notably religion and personal gossip, which were considered inappropriate for polite society.

"What the family talked about when the guests had gone, however, was a different matter entirely. Gossip has never been that far from the tea pot."

And with that, we cast our conversation cards aside, tucked into particularly generous slices of Victoria sponge cake and began to put the world to rights over a delicious cup of Darjeeling. — The York Press, Monday, September 22, 2003

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette: There’s No “Dinner Spoon”

20 yrs ago, Bon Appetit Magazine added a “Dinner Spoon” to a traditional place setting. It was not correct etiquette, but more a reflection of the dining habits of Americans in 2000. While to a certain extent, we like the idea of having an extra utensil, we don't recommend it. An additional “Dinner Spoon,” thrown into a place setting, more likely than not, will confuse diners. — The spoons most often now called, “Dinner Spoons,” are actually dual-use spoons, which have been in existence for at least a century and a half, called “Oval Soup or Dessert Spoons” or, even earlier, “Table Spoons.”

When did we get a “Dinner Spoon” and what exactly is its purpose?  

Warning: Most of this first paragraph is incorrect, but if you Google “Dinner Spoon” this is information you will be given! According to eHow.com, “While the modern teaspoon has taken the place of the dinner spoon in newer flatware sets, the dinner spoon remains a mainstay in classic sets of silver flatware. The larger dinner spoon, though becoming more obsolete in place settings, still has a spot at the table -- just to the right of the knife.”  

And the article continues the misinformation with, “When a dinner spoon is not included in a place setting, a teaspoon stands in its place. Along with a knife and fork, a teaspoon is the third piece of flatware in a place setting and is often placed simply to finish the place setting, even if it has no use for a particular meal. Positioned to the right of a knife, the teaspoon can be used for eating cereal and soups, as well as stirring coffee and tea.”

Up until the 1980’s there were only 5 pieces to the average place settings sold. Sets with a “bonus” utensil, like these advertised in 1972, usually added extra teaspoons to be used as dessert spoons, extra salad forks to be used as dessert forks, or in some cases, individual butter spreaders for each setting. Most flatware sets are still sold mostly in sets of 5 — A dinner knife, a dinner fork, a salad fork, a soup spoon and a teaspoon.

When did we get a “Dinner Spoon” and what is its purpose? “Dinner Spoons” do not actually exist where etiquette is concerned.  Neither are the equally incorrectly dubbed, “Place Spoons.” During the 1980’s and 1990’s, a low point in terms of dining etiquette, but a high point for the proliferation of fast food restaurants and easily microwaveable meals, superfluous spoons began to show up on dining tables across America. Handy for shoveling food into one’s mouth while eyes were glued to a television or computer screen, the spoons, like so many plastic sporks in schools and offices, seemed to dominate in more and more home dining areas. At some point they were dubbed “Dinner Spoons,” and the moniker stuck. They were even showing up in table-scaping competitions. 

In my first year judging competitive table-scaping, I had numerous discussions with other judges regarding these extra spoons with no discernible use, at tables we were judging. As the only etiquette professional judging the largest and most well-known table-scaping competition in the U.S., I stood my ground as retired teachers of Home Economics argued with me, using the same rationale of a spoon to the right of the dinner knife being, “placed simply to finish the place setting, even if it has no use for a particular meal.” that eHow’s 2017 article states. Each argument led to me reading aloud the competition rules, and emphasizing the point that the place settings had to reflect the menu created each competitor. That if a menu had no soup course, a soup bowl and oval soup spoon had no place at each setting, regardless of the fact that, ‘they came with the sets!’ as one retired teacher explained helpfully. I wasn’t swayed. Points were deducted! 

Of course, regular competitors who had repeatedly ignored the rules and had in the 1980’s been rewarded with blue ribbons, were outraged that I dared dock points for incorrect table settings. I had to call each one who complained, to explain their scores. This was made easy for me by the fact that the first person I had to personally call (she had sent a heated letter of complaint including a copy of a page from an Amy Vanderbilt etiquette book) sheepishly apologized to me when I introduced myself over the phone. “It wasn’t until I showed my mother a copy of the letter I sent you, that we both noticed we were incorrect.” She had sent the page from Amy’s book which explained exactly what she had done wrong, but she had not really read it until then. Her mother when going over the letter, pointed out where they had gone wrong.

Numerous “sporks”... spoon/fork combinations, made for Terrapin or turtle soup, ice cream and soufflés, pots de crème and more. — A superfluous “Dinner Spoon,” thrown into a place setting, more likely than not, will confuse diners well versed in dining etiquette.

In plain and simple language, by the year 2000, when ‘Bon Appetit’ magazine published the place setting pictured at the top of this post, it was not introducing a new spoon to its readers, but reflecting the relaxation of expected table manners in the U.S. Don’t be fooled, however, unless a long stringy pasta is being served after the soup or another course, and those dining like to employ the Italian-American method of using a large spoon to aid in twirling one’s pasta, this “Dinner Spoon” completely is out of place. 

While to a certain extent, we like the idea of having an extra utensil, we don't recommend it. A superfluous “Dinner Spoon,” thrown into a place setting, more likely than not, will confuse diners well versed in dining etiquette. And, yes, we will agree that there are other regional or cultural foods which sometimes call for an additional utensil, but what about the numerous combination utensils that one can find on sites like Etsy or eBay?  Antique, vintage or new reproductions of antiques and vintage, combination utensils are here to stay and can really add a fun and novel element to one’s entertaining. 

Contributor, and Site Editor, Maura J. Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, since 1990, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. A writer, Graber has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows, and was an on-air contributor and correspondent for PBS in Southern California for 15 years. She is working on her 4th book on etiquette and antiques throughout history and was a historical etiquette consultant for Julian Fellowes’ newest period drama, The Gilded Age. Her popular books on antique flatware and etiquette history are available on Amazon

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Antebellum Table Manners

If you are asked at table what part of the meat you prefer, name your favorite piece, but do not give such information unless asked to do so. To point out any especial part of a dish, and ask for it, is ill-bred. To answer, when asked to select a part, that “it is a matter of indifference,” or, “I can eat any part,” is annoying to the carver, as he cares less than yourself certainly, and would prefer to give you the piece you really like best.  —Public domain image of Mary Todd Lincoln, wife of Abraham Lincoln

In order to appear perfectly well-bred at table when in company, or in public, as at a hotel, you must pay attention, three times a day, to the points of table etiquette. If you neglect these little details at home and in private, they will be performed awkwardly and with an air of restraint when you are in company. By making them habitual, they will become natural, and appear easily, and sit gracefully upon you.

Even when eating entirely alone, observe these little details, thus making the most finished and elegant manners perfectly familiar, and thus avoiding the stiff, awkward air you will wear if you keep your politeness only for company, when you will be constantly apprehensive of doing wrong.

At breakfast or tea, if your seat is at the head of the table, you must, before taking anything upon your own plate, fill a cup for each one of the family, and pass them round, being careful to suit each one in the preparation of the cup, that none may return to you for more tea, water, sugar, or milk. If you have a visitor, pass the cup with the tea or coffee alone in it, and hand with the[106] cup the sugar bowl and cream pitcher, that these may be added in the quantity preferred.

After all the cups have been filled and passed round, you may take the bread, butter, and other food upon your own plate. Train your children, so that they will pass these things to you as soon as they see you are ready to receive them.

If you are yourself at the side of the table, pass the bread, butter, etc., to the lady at the head, when you see that she has sent the cups from the waiter before her, to those seated at the table.

If you occupy the place of head of the table, you must watch the cups, offer to fill them when empty, and also see that each one of the family is well helped to the other articles upon the table.

Avoid making any noise in eating, even if each meal is eaten in solitary state. It is a disgusting habit, and one not easily cured if once contracted, to make any noise with the lips when eating.

Never put large pieces of food into your mouth. Eat slowly, and cut your food into small pieces before putting it into your mouth.

Use your fork, or spoon, never your knife, to put your food into your mouth. At dinner, hold in your left hand a piece of bread, and raise your meat or vegetables with the fork, holding the bread to prevent the pieces slipping from the plate.

If you are asked at table what part of the meat you prefer, name your favorite piece, but do not give such information unless asked to do so. To point out any especial part of a dish, and ask for it, is ill-bred. To answer, when asked to select a part, that "it is a matter of indifference," or, "I can eat any part," is annoying to the carver, as he cares less than yourself certainly, and would prefer to give you the piece you really like best.

Do not pour coffee or tea from your cup into your saucer, and do not blow either these or soup. Wait until they cool.

Use the butter-knife, salt-spoon, and sugar-tongs as scrupulously when alone, as if a room full of people were watching you. Otherwise, you may neglect to do so when the omission will mortify you.

Never put poultry or fish bones, or the stones of fruit, upon the table-cloth, but place them on the edge of your plate.

Do not begin to eat until others at the table are ready to commence too.

Sit easily in your chair, neither too near the table, nor too far from it, and avoid such tricks as putting your arms on the table, leaning back lazily in your chair, or playing with your knife, fork, or spoon.

Never raise your voice, when speaking, any higher than is necessary. The clear articulation and distinct pronunciation of each word, will make a low tone more agreeable and more easily understood, than the loudest tone, if the speech is rapid or indistinct.

Never pass your plate with the knife or fork upon it, and when you pass your cup, put the spoon in the saucer.

Never pile up the food on your plate. It looks as if you feared it would all be gone before you could be[108] helped again, and it will certainly make your attempts to cut the food awkward, if your plate is crowded.

If there is a delicacy upon the table, partake of it sparingly, and never help yourself to it a second time.

If you wish to cough, or use your handkerchief, rise from the table, and leave the room. If you have not time to do this, cover your mouth, and turn your head aside from the table, and perform the disagreeable necessity as rapidly and quietly as possible.

Avoid gesticulation at the table. Indeed, a well-bred lady will never gesticulate, but converse quietly, letting the expression and animation of her features give force to her words.

Never, when at the home table, leave it until the other members of the family are also ready to rise. — By Florence Hartley, 1860

[109]

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia