Etiquette and Diets, Allergies or Tastes

 

Not so long ago, people with special dietary needs politely (and quietly) made do at dinner parties. But today, the dictum ''eat what's on your plate'' is rapidly being eclipsed by a ''have it your way'' mentality, and the changing social order poses questions of etiquette and presents new quandaries in entertaining.

“I Don't Eat …” Plays Havoc With Parties

A 2nd Debut Article from 2022

CHICAGO'S premier caterer, John Calihan, still remembers the nightmare. It was to be a dinner party a la Gatsby, a black-tie evening for 20 of the local Jays and Daisys. The hostess, a Chicago socialite, had enlisted Mr. Calihan to prepare her family bouillabaisse recipe. Spare no expense!

Mr. Calihan arranged for the proper species of seafood to be flown in from France, Maine and Nantucket. While the engraved sterling silver place cards were being polished and the flowers fussed over, the caterer (and six cooks hired for the occasion) painstakingly prepared the fish stew. It was a perfect bouillabaisse. And it was a perfect disaster. ''I'm allergic to shellfish,'' announced a guest as the waiter attempted to ladle the stew from a steaming tureen. The next guest said, ''I don't eat fish.'' Another said, ''I don't like fish.'' Two others demurred with a shake of the head. ''The hostess nearly fainted,'' Mr. Calihan recalled.

This happens at the finest tables these days. The national preoccupation with dietary restrictions - born of food allergies, health concerns or religious constraints - is changing the American dinner party. Mr. Calihan and caterers and hosts from other cities say guests have become more vocal about their food preferences, and an a la carte attitude is encroaching on the the last preserve of the communal feast.

Not so long ago, people with special dietary needs politely (and quietly) made do at dinner parties. But today, the dictum ''eat what's on your plate'' is rapidly being eclipsed by a ''have it your way'' mentality, and the changing social order poses questions of etiquette and presents new quandaries in entertaining.

Not long ago, hosts routinely called guests to discuss dress and seating arrangements. Today, ''those who wish to entertain practically have to ask for a medical history when inviting people to dinner,'' said Gail Banks, a Boston hostess.

Divergent diets complicate menu planning for the host. ''Mrs. Burlingham can't eat salt, the Jaynes are on Pritikin and the Hirschorns keep kosher,'' said Michael J. Anderson of New London, Conn., a 37-year-old lawyer who is planning a dinner party for October. ''What am I? A cafeteria line?''

Manners mavens agree that guests should inform hosts ahead of time of severe allergies or life-threatening medical conditions and that hosts should accommodate these, as well as religious restrictions, to the best of their abilities.

The ever-widening ethnic mix at dinner parties poses new cultural considerations. And by adapting to these, as well as to food allergies (which range from the potentially lethal to very mild), lactose intolerance, high cholesterol, hypertension and vegetarian and kosher restrictions, the modern host may have opened the floodgates for more idiosyncratic concerns about consumption.

Letitia Baldrige, the author of ''Letitia Baldrige's Complete Guide to the New Manners for the 90's,'' to be published by Rawson next year, recently dined in the home of friends who offered fresh-caught swordfish for dinner. As the fish was served, a fellow guest appraised the menu. ''I'm surprised,'' he murmured. ''The waters around here are polluted.'' The comment, Ms. Baldrige said, ''took the joy out of the dish and focused all the attention on one person.''

Not long ago, hosts routinely called guests to discuss dress and seating arrangements. Today, ''those who wish to entertain practically have to ask for a medical history when inviting people to dinner,'' said Gail Banks, a Boston hostess.

''No matter what the menu is, we don't go to a party without plenty of extra-virgin olive oil, vegetables, fish and plain fruit,'' she said. This holistic ammunition, she said, ''really cools out everybody with special dietary needs.''

But Mr. Savoca, the New York caterer, believes that a la carte accommodations erode the communal nature of the dinner party. ''The best host figures out how to accommodate special needs on one menu,'' he said.

Along with other inveterate dinner-givers, he outlines the parameters of inoffensive dinner party fare: avoid pork, shellfish, duck, lamb and fried food. Emphasize starch, whether pasta, potatoes or bread. Focus on salad and vegetables. Exercise restraint in the use of butter, animal fat, eggs and salt. Fruit should always be offered in addition to a very rich dessert. Always have mineral water on the table and freshly brewed decaffeinated coffee on hand.

Impressive menus can be created within these restrictions, but some hosts say meals designed to be inoffensive are boring. ''I call them dry-cleaned menus,'' Mr. Calihan said. ''They sound interesting, but they all end up tasting the same.'' Hosts, he said, can battle the blands with interesting garnishes and dramatic presentations.

Several recent changes in serving customs also help soothe the Me-Me dinner guest. Platter service, for instance, is being revived across the country. ''This allows guests to select discreetly,'' Mr. Savoca said. A renaissance of dinner buffets allows the same latitude for both picky and medically restricted eaters. Choice is the most gracious response to dietary restrictions.

But setting aside the white gloves and cream sauces will not placate the truly food rude. With them, Ms. Baldrige said, a host ''must hang tough.''

Pamela Black, a 28-year-old fund-raiser for the Children's Aid Society in Manhattan, learned that lesson when she gave her first sit-down dinner party. Ms. Black was familiar with the diets of each of her 12 guests and spent three days marinating a leg of lamb, preparing ratatouille, cleaning lettuce and making a peach tart. When she presented the platter fanned with rosy slices of lamb, one guest arched an eyebrow. ''Bambi,'' he said. Ms. Black corrected him. ''Mary's little lamb,'' she said, ''followed by salad from Peter Rabbit's patch.'' You Name It, It's Off Limits For Someone 

HERE is a list of caveats for the sensitive host, based on suggestions from caterers and others. Items that may cause allergic reactions: 

• Shellfish 
• Nuts 
• Red wine 
• Cheese 
• Tomatoes, eggplant and other members of nightshade family
• Garlic 
• Monosodium glutamate 

Items that may be proscribed by religion: 

• Shellfish 
• Pork 
• Meat and dairy products in combination 
• Caviar 
• Meats 
• Alcoholic beverages 

Items health-conscious people may try to avoid: 

• Animal and saturated fats 
• Sweets 
• Dairy products 
• Starches and breads 
• Fried foods 
• Beef and other red meat 
• Sauces 
• Butter 
• Caffeine 
• Alcoholic beverages 

Items that people may avoid for social or political reasons:

• Veal 
• Meat in general 
• Any food targeted for boycotts 

Foods some people do not like to think about eating: 

• Rabbit 
• Squid 
• Snails 
• Sweetbreads 
• Venison 
• Organ meats 
• Snake 

Foods that people may be embarrassed to eat at a party because they are messy: 

• Bony fish 
• Artichokes 
• Corn on the cob 
• Fried chicken 
• Soups 
• Ribs 
• Poultry with bones 
• Spaghetti or other long pasta 
• Tacos 
• Lobster. – By Molly O'Neill, Sept. 13, 1989

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Veggies, Sweets, Etc…

As regards sweets, compôtes of fruit and fruit tarts should be eaten with a dessert-spoon and fork, as should those dishes where juice or syrup prevails to the extent of rendering a dessert-spoon necessary. But whenever it is possible to use a fork in preference to a spoon it is always better to do so. Jellies, creams, blancmanges, ice puddings, etc., should be eaten with a fork. As a matter of course, young ladies do not eat cheese at dinner-parties.

When large potatoes are served in their skins a salad-plate should be handed at the same time whereon to place them.

When asparagus first comes into season it is often given in the second course instead of in the first, in which case it is eaten as a separate dish. When handed with meat or poultry it should be eaten on the same plate containing either.

In eating asparagus, some elderly gentlemen still adhere to the fashion of their youth and hold the stalks in their fingers, but the younger generation cut off the points with a knife and fork.

Seakale also is given in the second course when first in season, and should be eaten with a knife and fork.

Mushrooms are also eaten with a knife and fork.

It need hardly be said that it would be a vulgarity to eat peas with a knife, although those who reside abroad, or who are in the habit of travelling on the continent, are not unaccustomed to seeing this done by foreigners who are well-bred men.

Artichokes are, it may be said, an awkward and untidy vegetable to eat; they are only given in the second course as a separate vegetable; the outside leaves should be removed with the knife and fork, and the inner leaves which surround the heart, or head of the artichoke should be conveyed to the mouth with the fingers and sucked dry; epicures consider this vegetable a dainty morsel; but at dinner-parties young ladies should not attempt to eat these artichokes.

Savouries, when possible, should be eaten with a fork, but occasionally a knife also is of imperative use.

As regards sweets, compôtes of fruit and fruit tarts should be eaten with a dessert-spoon and fork, as should those dishes where juice or syrup prevails to the extent of rendering a dessert-spoon necessary. But whenever it is possible to use a fork in preference to a spoon it is always better to do so.

Jellies, creams, blancmanges, ice puddings, etc., should be eaten with a fork.

As a matter of course, young ladies do not eat cheese at dinner-parties.— From “Manners and Rules of Good Society, or Solecisms to be Avoided, by a Member of the Aristocracy,” 1918

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and a Game Bird Course

As regards small pigeons, golden plovers, snipe, quails, larks, etc., a whole bird is given to each guest, and the proper way to eat these birds is to cut the meat from the breast and wings and to eat each morsel at the moment of cutting it; the bird should not be turned over and over on the plate, or cut in half or otherwise dissected. The legs of Bordeaux pigeons are not, as a rule, eaten, and half a bird only is given, as there is sufficient on the wing and 

breast to satisfy an ordinary second-course appetite. When the legs of smaller birds are eaten, such as snipe or golden plover, the meat should be cut off as from the breast or wing.

With reference to entrées, some are eaten with a knife and fork, others with a fork only. All entrées that offer any resistance to a fork require the aid of both knife and fork, such as cutlets, filet de bœuf, sweetbreads, etc., but when rissoles, patties, quenelles, boneless curry, vol-au-vents, timbales, etc., are eaten, the fork only should be used.

In the case of the lighter entrées, the contact of the knife is supposed to militate against their delicate flavour; thus, for these bonnes bouches the fork is all-sufficient wherewith to divide and eat them.

The leg of a chicken, pheasant, duck, or wild duck should never be given to a guest save on those occasions when there are more guests present than there is meat from breasts and wings to offer them. Under these circumstances the carver is reduced to the necessity of falling back upon the legs of the birds, but in this case only the upper part of the thigh should be given, thus a guest has little difficulty in cutting the meat from the bone. A wing of a bird is usually given to a lady. Formerly it was thought a correct thing to sever the wing at the joint and then to cut the meat from the bone; but this requires a certain amount of strength in the wrist, and dexterity, should the bird not be in its première jeunesse.

As regards small pigeons, golden plovers, snipe, quails, larks, etc., a whole bird is given to each guest, and the proper way to eat these birds is to cut the meat from the breast and wings and to eat each morsel at the moment of cutting it; the bird should not be turned over and over on the plate, or cut in half or otherwise dissected. The legs of Bordeaux pigeons are not, as a rule, eaten, and half a bird only is given, as there is sufficient on the wing and breast to satisfy an ordinary second-course appetite. When the legs of smaller birds are eaten, such as snipe or golden plover, the meat should be cut off as from the breast or wing.

Young girls, as a rule, seldom eat a second course delicacy of this description; a little chicken or pheasant on the contrary is usually accepted by them.— Manners and Rules of Good Society, or Solecisms to be Avoided, by a Member of the Aristocracy, 1918

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age U.S. Diplomacy Gone Awry

The general Chilean attitude was probably best expressed by Eduardo Phillips, chief of the Diplomatic Section of the Ministry of Foreign Relations who, in a letter to a newspaper, described Egan as a person “utterly lacking in all elements of culture and courtesy, and ever-ready to descend to the level of invective and calumny.” — Public domain image of the late 19th C. US Minister to Chile, Patrick Egan. His tenure in diplomacy was highly unpopular and controversial. 

MINISTER EGAN AGAIN. Minister Egan may be relied upon not to permit any opportunity to go unimproved for showing that he is an uncivil person. It is not to be believed for a moment that he received instructions from Washington to remain away from the inauguration of the Chilian President. Secretary Blaine is altogether too well trained and prudent in diplomatic matters to be the author of any such instructions. It must be inferred, therefore, that Mr. Egan followed his own judgment as to what would be proper under the circumstances. And this judgment manifestly shows him to be not only a boorish but a semi-barbarous person. 

The inauguration of President Montt was the concluding event of a revolution which was set on foot to re-establish liberty and order, and we should have given our approval to the proceeding independently of the controversy which exists between this country and the republic of Chili. Granting that Chili is altogether in the wrong in the pending dispute, we can well afford to be magnanimous, not to say civil. Egans course was not merely a breach of diplomatic etiquette it was an infraction of good manners. It is little wonder, therefore, that the representatives of other powers evinced surprise at the policy of our Minister. 

There is a phase of the situation which ought to have had great weight with Minister Egan, if he really entertains a sincere desire to bring about an adjustment of our controversy with Chili. We have heretofore carried on negotiations with the Junta, a provisional and many headed authority. With the inauguration of a rightful President, however, matters will be greatly simplified, authority will become more definite and the means of communication more direct. Everything, therefore, invited Mr. Egan to adopt a policy of conciliation, but inasmuch as that person is a born conspirator he threw the opportunity away and disgraced the country of which, unhappily, he is the representative. — Stockton Daily Mail, 1891

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Culture in Mayotte

While the monetary currency is the Euro, the real social currency is the art of politeness, which you will overwhelmingly experience through the sincere flood of smiles and the welcoming “Caribou”, leaving you feeling like a celebrity!

Karibu Maoré

Did you know that the European Union exists in the Mozambique Channel?  If so, you are one of the few who does, for this French overseas territory, Mayotte, composed of two major islands, is merely a speck on the map between Madagascar and Mozambique.  Born through volcanic eruptions and situated on ancient Arab and Portuguese trade routes, the tropical jewel of Mayotte, despite its 374km², attests to a wealth of history far greater than its size.

Believed to have been first inhabited in the 7^th century CE, Mayotte is heavily influenced by Swahili coast and Madagascan cultures.  The 9^th century saws the arrival of Arab and Persian traders, and Mayotte became a sultanate in 1500 founded upon the principles of Islam.  This usurped the tribal and matrilineal systems inherent in East African societies and the animist beliefs from both Swahili and Malagasy cultures.  

The French cast its gaze on Mayotte after losing its influence on Mauritius in 1814, hoping it would be a vital centre of trade like Malta. While ruled by the Malagasy Sultan Adriantsoly, Mayotte was heavily pillaged and damaged by successive Malagasy and Comorian razzias.  Adriantsoly sold Mayotte to the French on 25 April 1841 who officially ruled it from June 1843, making Mayotte French longer than France’s region of Savoy.

Today, the majority languages are spoken by 81% of inhabitants, Shimaoré (derived from Swahili), and Kibushi (the two Malagasy dialects are Kibushi sakalava and Kibushi antalaotsy, whose speakers are spread over twenty villages).  The Comorian languages of Shindzuwani and Shingazidja are also spoken widely. The use of French, the politico-administrative language, has been increasing especially since schools were built in the 1980s.  Of note, little English is spoken and the tourism sector is poorly developed in part due to insecurity concerns.  While the monetary currency is the Euro, the real social currency is the art of politeness, which you will overwhelmingly experience through the sincere flood of smiles and the welcoming “Caribou”, leaving you feeling like a celebrity!

 

Communicating in Mayotte

The Mahorais will delight in any efforts to speak one of their languages, although French will get you everywhere!  Here are some words and expressions to get you by:

As-salamu alaykum – Peace be upon you

Wa-alaykumu salam – Peace be upon you too

Karibu – Welcome

Jéjé – Hello     Kwezi – Hello (respectful, to adults and elders)

Jéjé monye – Hello mister, how are you?

Jéjé bweni – Hello lady, how are you?

Ndjema, marahaba – Good, thank you.

Ewa – Yes

Anhan – No

Halo! – Let’s go!

Tafadhali – Please

Marahaba nyengi – Thank you very much.

Hodi? – Is someone there?

Kwahéri – Good-bye

Ritsowonana – See you later

Asubuhi ndjema – Good morning

Uku mwéma – Good night

Suku yangina tséna – See you one day

Insh’Allah – God willing

 

The French cast its gaze on Mayotte after losing its influence on Mauritius in 1814, hoping it would be a vital centre of trade like Malta. While ruled by the Malagasy Sultan Adriantsoly, Mayotte was heavily pillaged and damaged by successive Malagasy and Comorian razzias.  Adriantsoly sold Mayotte to the French on 25 April 1841 who officially ruled it from June 1843, making Mayotte French longer than France’s region of Savoy.

Mahorais etiquette – what to know

Walking along the streets often lined with a rainbow of exuberant tropical flowers, palms and fruiting trees, several things are immediately noticeable. 

Firstly, the respect bestowed upon elders, who form an extremely small percentage of the population, and who are greeted effusively, actively listened to, given seats of honour, fed first, whose belongings are carried and needs effectively met.  

Secondly, the extraordinary number of children who exude a joie de vivre, spontaneously singing, dancing or playing with a cheeky grin.  

Thirdly, the bright traditional clothing and the attention women give to their appearance.  

Fourthly, the open body language – with direct eye contact, ready laughter or joke and the obligatory greeting of “Caribou” or “Bonjour”, you won’t pass by unnoticed.  

If you have the great honour of living a while in Mayotte, you will also notice the profound musada or sharing and caring in daily life, born of a communal society, as well as the limitless gratitude and fatality inherent in Islam.

In his book The Wisdom of my Ancestors (2012), Haladi Madi collects Mahorais proverbs to preserve their linguistic value but also to highlight how the mentality of Mayotte is partly anchored within the Bantu oral system of social education. 

Mahorais society is stratified by age, wealth and origins, and at the top are the chiefs who exert authority and notables who hold important roles in the villages, and who are deferred to.  

The Koranic school teachers, fundis, are also highly respected.  As in all African societies, elders are viewed as living libraries, possessing wisdom and practical know-how; an elderly man is politely called a bakoko and an elderly woman a koko.  

While there are plenty of proverbs concerning the roles and stereotypes around chiefs and notables, adults, men, women, children and illegitimate children, there are 623 alone relating to virtue and behaviour.  

The way Mahorais speak, dress, eat and relate to others is observed and commented upon.  Behaviour is taught at home and almost all children will attend Koranic schools, shionior madrasse, to attain the respect, adabu, required to integrate correctly into society.

When invited to a Mahorais home, you are not required to bring any gifts.  Instead, you should to bring a large shopping bag called a kalaga so you can take food and drink home with you! 

Take-home messages:

· Always greet people, even strangers passing you on the street and especially those who make eye contact.  A simple “Salam” or “Bonjour” will suffice.
· When speaking to people, remove your sunglasses as eye contact is essential.
· When invited to a Mahorais home, you are not required to bring any gifts.  Instead, you should to bring a large shopping bag called a kalaga so you can take food and drink home with you! 
· Take off your shoes before you enter a person’s home, village shop or mosque.  Kindergarten or primary school aged children remove their shoes before entering classrooms.  In mosques, wear long, loose clothing and women should wear a kishali, or scarf.  The highly tolerant Sunni Shafi’i school of Islamic jurisprudence is practiced.
· Wash your hands before and after eating, and avoid using your left hand to eat.  Thank the host for the food and say “Bismillah” before you eat to show gratitude. Elders are served first.  
· While cutlery is offered everywhere, many locals prefer to use their right hand to eat. 
· When visiting Mayotte, tourists can wear short dresses, t-shirts, shorts and sandals, and bathing suits and bikinis are only acceptable at the beach.
· While the Mahorais are very accepting of foreigners’ attire, when invited to a Mahorais home, men should wear trousers and women a long dress or long pants, especially during the month of Ramadan, when attire becomes more important.
· If invited to a foutari, the breaking of the Ramadan fast, foreigners are not expected to fast from dawn to dusk. However, it is common that wazungu (literally: white-skinned people) and other foreigners who live in Mayotte fast during Ramadan.
· Visitors and returning Mahorais residents are often greeted at the airport with floral necklaces made principally with jasmine and other flowers such as bougainvillea, ixora and palm leaves are often added.

• These floral necklaces are also given at specific work events, celebrations and farewells. The more floral necklaces the person wears, the more important he or she is.
• When invited to the Mahorais seaside social event vulé, bring food and drinks that you would like to share, for all items become communal.

Attire is relaxed and Mahorais men and women may wear shorts and t-shirts.  

Arrive early to help your hosts find the best spot on the beach to set up the braziers and to prepare the food. You can marinate the fresh fish and chicken wings called mabawas, skewer the beef, fish or chicken, cut the taro, breadfruit, manioc and green bananas for frying or grilling and to grate the green papaya, onions and tomatoes for the salad.  Bottled water, fresh juices (lime, tamarind, passion fruit, sakoua, papaya, corossol, pineapple, mango…), soft drinks and beer are often consumed in moderation.
·When invited to the marriage event called a manzaraka, men will be required to wear a shirt and trousers or a kanzu and women the traditional dress salouva. Men and women will be separated for the meal, songs, dances, the presentation of the bride, groom and the gifts.  Invitees should bequeath a minimum of €50 to the wedding party. A kalaga is essential, as each guest will be required to bring home an impressive amount of food and drinks!  
·Don’t refuse an invitation to visit the malavouni of a Mahorais host, for the Mahorais have a profound relationship with their land.  Most Mahorais will have a plot of land to grow their own fruit and vegetables and you might find yourself barefoot cutting pineapples, jackfruit, and bananas with a locally-made shomboor machete, pulling taro and manioc from the ground, plucking ambrevades or mangoes, chewing on sugar cane, and learning to cut coconut husks off to drink their refreshing young juice.
·Traditional dances, songs and boxing can happen just about anywhere, anytime, for any reason: debaa, m’biwi, mourengé, chigoma, daïra…  It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing, your most important accessories will be your smile and interest to join in, dance, play instruments and have fun!  

Mayotte is an intriguing multicultural mix of Mahorais, Malagasy, Comorian, Indo-Pakistani Karane people, wazungu, Reunnionais and African asylum seekers from the Great Lakes region, who all influence the culture and society in specific ways. As the Mahorais say, “Mutru kalishi ya hale mana apara piya”: One doesn’t abandon the ancient for the new.  You can thus be assured that you will experience a traditional lifestyle, warmth, curiosity and hospitality in this exquisite jewel of French ultra-periphery that won’t leave you unmoved. 

For many years, our Travel Etiquette Guru and Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette.

www.auersmont.com 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Oysters and the Sexes

Six course, formal place setting, set for oysters as the first course.

When oysters are given they precede the soup, and should be eaten with a dinner-fork, not with a fish-fork. In eating oysters the shell should be steadied on the plate with the fingers of the left hand, the oysters should not be cut, but should be eaten whole. Very many ladies do not eat oysters at dinner simply because they do not like them, while others refuse them under the impression that it is more ladylike not to eat them. Perhaps with regard to young ladies it is a taste to be acquired. 

Some men are very, if not over, fastidious, about the appetites displayed by ladies, and would have them reject the entrées and dine upon a slice of chicken and a spoonful of jelly. Others, on the contrary, respect a good appetite as giving proof of good health and good digestion. There is of course a medium in all things, and as large dinners are ordered mainly with a view to please the palates of men with epicurean tastes, it is not expected that ladies should eat of the most highly seasoned and richest of the dishes given, [p.119]but should rather select the plainest on the menu. 

This remark more particularly applies to young ladies and young married ladies, whilst middle-aged and elderly ladies are at liberty to do pretty much as they please, without provoking comment or even observation. — Manners and Rules of Good Society, or Solecisms to be Avoided, by a Member of the Aristocracy, 1918 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Soup and Fish Courses

“One evening a well-known diner-out discarded his crust of bread, and ate his fish with two silver forks; this notion found such general favour that society dropped the humble crust and took up a second fork.” —In the movie Gosford Park, two dinner forks — one to the right and one to the left of the setting — are placed for the fish course, in preparation for a formal dinner, which will be eaten in the “old” manner. The fish would not be eaten at this manor house with the parvenu’s fish knife and fork.

The guests should consult the menu on first sitting down to dinner. Eating soup comes first under notice. In olden days it was customary to drink it out of a basin. In these days no one "drinks" soup, it is "eaten"; whether it be mock turtle or the clearest julienne, it is eaten out of a soup-plate at dinner, and with a table-spoon.

There is a reason for this choice of spoons; soup is nothing if it is not hot, and as it is the custom to give only about half a ladleful to each person, it is eaten quicker, and therefore hotter, with a large spoon than with a small one.

There is also a good and sufficient reason for small quantities of soup being given in lieu of large ones, viz. the extent of the menu; and when a plateful of soup is handed to a guest accustomed to the regulation supply, he fears that he is expected to dine off it, and that there is nothing much to follow.

Again, small helpings require a smaller quantity of soup to be provided, and a servant is less likely to spill plates containing a little soup than plates that are half full.

At ball suppers, when soup is served in soup-plates, it is also eaten with a table-spoon, but not when served in small cups.

Many years ago it was fashionable to eat fish with a fork and a crust of bread; previous to this a table-knife and fork were considered the proper things to use for this purpose. It was then discovered that a steel knife gave an unpalatable flavour to the fish, and a crust of bread was substituted for the knife. This fashion lasted a considerable time, in spite of the fingers being thus brought unpleasantly near to the plate, and to this day old-fashioned people have a predilection for that crust of bread.

One evening a well-known diner-out discarded his crust of bread, and ate his fish with two silver forks; this notion found such general favour that society dropped the humble crust and took up a second fork. This fashion had its little day, but at length the two forks were found heavy for the purpose and not altogether satisfactory, and were superseded by the dainty and convenient little silver fish-knife and fork which are now in general use.

Small pieces of fish should always be given, and two different sorts of fish should not be placed on the same plate. — Manners and Rules of Good Society, or Solecisms to be Avoided, by a Member of the Aristocracy, 1918

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette at the Edwardian Dinner

DINNER-TABLE ETIQUETTE

Fashion has its freaks and its vagaries, and in relation to inanimate objects these freaks and vagaries are but transitory and evanescent, but when they touch upon manners and modes they become a conventionality and a custom perhaps for many a year. 

Changes and innovations, slight as they are, are more subtle than sudden, and, paradoxical as it may seem, they are as important as they are insignificant; still it is difficult to believe that fingers once did duty for forks, and that it was not customary for a host to supply his guests with forks, who, if fastidious enough to require them, were expected to bring them in their pockets.

There are here and there people in society who affect a few eccentricities of manner, but these whims at all times take the form of originalities and not of vulgarities; and even then are only indulged in by those whose position in society is secure.

As regards Dinner-table Etiquette.—When a lady has taken her seat at the dinner-table, she should at once remove her gloves; although occasionally long elbow gloves are not removed during dinner, but this is conspicuous and inconvenient. She should unfold her serviette and place it on her lap. It is immaterial whether she places the bread on the right or left-hand side of the cover when taking it from the serviette.

A gentleman should do the same with his serviette and the bread, placing the one across his knees, and the other at his right or left hand.

When a lady is some little time taking off her gloves, she should remove her serviette before doing so: otherwise a servant would offer her soup before she had made room for the soup-plate by removing the serviette, and she should decide quickly as to which of the two soups handed to her she will take, so as not to keep the servant waiting; and so on through every course throughout the dinner as regards fish, meat, etc… — Manners and Rules of Good Society, or Solecisms to be Avoided, by a Member of the Aristocracy, 1918

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia