Etiquette and Physical Appearance

It’s your wedding, “but etiquette does not have rules for the more personal aspects of one’s appearance… Please try to remember that you want your brother to be part of your wedding because you love him, not for his looks.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS - My wedding will be quiet, elegant and 

simple, and I would like my brother to be in the wedding party. But he is a professional musician, with spiked and shaved hair, and would be a sight to behold at our formal service.

He says he can’t and won’t change his hair; it’s part of his professional business. I love my brother, but his appearance would be such a strange sight, really ruining the image I would like. Please advise.


GENTLE READER - You probably didn't expect a defense of wearing spiked hair to candlelight weddings, did you? The rule of etiquette extends to setting the general standard of dress for a social occasion, and if he demanded to wear whatever his stage costume is (Miss Manners would prefer not to imagine that), you would be within your rights to insist that he wear dress proper to a member of the wedding party.

But etiquette does not have rules for the more personal aspects of one's appearance. For instance, you could not reasonably require all your bridesmaids to adopt the same hairstyle, even though you are having them dress alike. Please try to remember that you want your brother to be part of your wedding because you love him, not for his looks. – Miss Manners, aka Judith Martin, 1987

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette: Two Rings Are Too Much

“The too-common attitude of on with the new before one’s quite off with the old detracts greatly from the seriousness of marriage. Even the broken marriage deserves more respect than that…” — You may be on cloud nine over your boyfriend popping the question, but if you’re still married to another, you cannot wear your newest engagement ring. One engagement or wedding ring at a time is the proper etiquette, even if you are no longer wearing the ring from your soon-to-be ex-husband. Wearing another ring before the ink is dry on your divorce decree is just plain “tacky” and not proper.

PARENTS OPPOSE RING

Dear Mrs. Palmer, I married at 17 and after three and a half years of trying to make the best of a bad situation have obtained an interlocutory divorce decree. Now I have met the man I feel I should have married in the first place and he has said he would like to give me an engagement ring on my birthday this month. My parents are quite happy about my choice of a husband but said they thought it would be quite improper for me to wear his engagement ring while I am still legally married to my first husband.

My divorce has hurt them a great deal, since there has never been a divorce in our family before. I don't want to make them any more unhappy, but I want to do what is best in order to build a good life for myself. My boy friend said he will abide by my decision. We know our love is real and the life we plan together will last whether I wear his ring or not.

Would you advise me on the desirability of wearing the ring, whether it is socially acceptable or not, if my parents object to it? And is there a book on the etiquette of divorce and remarriage? I know I cannot wear a white gown, but there are other questions that come to mind occasionally. — Mrs. A., Los Angeles.

Dear Mrs. A., I agree with your parents about the ring. The too-common attitude of on with the new before one’s quite off with the old detracts greatly from the seriousness of marriage. Even the broken marriage deserves more respect than that, for divorce is the death of something born with high hopes and solemn intentions and promises. A good life in the future is never insured by taking the errors and failures of the past lightly.

Whether you agree with your parents’ and my reasoning or not, there is a simple matter of values. Postponing your acceptance of a diamond until your divorce is final shouldn’t cause you any pain. You'll have all the rest of your life to wear it. What justification could there be for offending your parents with something that is of so little real importance to you? Giving a little here and there out of consideration for others is a good habit to get into if you want this marriage to be more successful than the last.

I don't know of any book on the etiquette of divorce and remarriage. I don't think the subject is big enough to warrant an entire volume dedicated to it. All the questions of form are handled in books on etiquette in general. The important rule of good taste is restraint.— From “Most Sincerely, Jane Palmer,”Los Angeles Mirror, 1952

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Bridesmaids’ Dresses

It has always been the obligation of bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses, so there is no need for pussy-footing.

WEDDING OUTFITS

Dear Mrs. Post: I am planning a Florida wedding but I live in New York. The bridesmaids’ dresses will be selected here and mailed to each girl in Florida. How should I inform them of the cost in a tactful manner? — Miss F. Lawrence

Dear Miss Lawrence: It has always been the obligation of bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses, so there is no need for pussy-footing. Enclose a note with each dress saying you have paid the store and the cost was so much, or ask the store to send bills directly to the girls. — Elizabeth Post, 1967 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Faux Pas

Etiquette Mistakes Made by “The 400”

I dropped into a very fashionable place at luncheon the other day and I got to wondering if the “400” didn't make mistakes too. So I asked Charlie – everybody knows Charlie. “Yes,” he said. “Some- times they asked me for a table near the door. Sometimes they call me ‘Captain.’ Sometimes they even use the wrong fork. But it’s easy to tell them from the new rich, because the 400 is very quiet and easy to serve. Real people never make themselves conspicuous.” – Above, a depiction of men and women outside the famous Delmonico’s restaurant in New York.

A “Second Debut” article from 2024

“Your orders, madam?”, Jeffries would ask in his beautiful English voice… 

Mistakes in Etiquette the 400 Make…

Daughter of Boss-Painter, Now High in New York Society, Tells How Social Blunders Are Made and Avoided 

Can someone of humble birth, being suddenly rich, win a place in the best society and act as “to the manor born”?

A poor girl, whose father was a painter and whose mother was a telephone operator, says it isn't hard at all to climb to the top rung of the social ladder and avoid faux pas. (And, by the way, she really did pronounce it fo pa.). For her helpful story of her conquest of society and etiquette, which appears in full in January Smart Set, we print these amusing extracts:

“It wasn't so hard to avoid social errors while we were traveling on my honeymoon. Everything was new and we moved about. constantly. The only thing that annoyed me was the restaurants. ‘What would you like to order, darling?’ my husband would say. I honestly did not know what to order. It always embarrassed me, and I got around it by saying: ‘Oh, you order. Surprise me.’ I learned from him how to order in public and I watched him like a hawk to see which knife and which fork he used.

“How those menus did confuse me. At first, I couldn’t think of a thing but beefsteak and French fried potatoes. But soon I learned to look over the Entrées. I discovered ‘chicken-hash, en bordure,’ ‘eggs Benedict’ with that delicious Hollandaise sauce, and a mixed grill - the tender little lamb chop cuddled among a tomato, mushroom, kidney, bacon and sausage.

“They soon became my favorite luncheon dishes, with hearts of lettuce with Russian dressing. I think I liked the Russian dressing on account of its beautiful pink color. Then I became bold and changed the dressing. I fell easily into selecting soup or oysters perhaps broiled chicken or one of the dishes marked ‘Ready.’ Then sweet - that meant dessert – and I loved chocolate ice-cream. I soon stopped saying ‘small black’ for after-dinner coffee and ‘demi- tasse’ rolled off my tongue as if we had always had coffee in the drawing-room at home.

“Supper! At first when I went out to supper with my husband, I was always torn between a club-sandwich or fruit salad. That had been the thing we ordered when we went out to supper in the old studio days with a ‘beau.’ But after watching Ed it didn't take me long to order lobster a la Newburg - again the pink color intrigued me - or crab meat Dewey.”

She Meets Lord Jeffries

“However, these problems were no laughing matters in those days. Further problems would await me when I got home, and walked into the beautiful house my husband had brought me into. Jeffries, the English butler who had lived with him for years and I was sure was nothing less than a United States Senator when I first saw him, frightened me almost to death, ‘Your orders for the morning, madam?’ he would ask in his beautiful English voice. Those pesky orders - would I ever get away from them? But Jeffries understood. How kind and gentle he was in his unoffensive suggestions and his many subtle moves to me from making glaring mistakes in front of the rest of the servants.” – National City Star-News, 1924

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Restaurant Etiquette Quiz from 1967

9. When soup is served in a consommé cup with two handles (a) it must be eaten with the soup spoon. (b) the cup may be picked up to drink the soup.

RESTAURANT DINING

The following questions on dining out are from letters I have received recently. Dining out is one of the greatest pleasures we have, but there seems to be appearance of taste and many small problems which worry people and detract from their pleasure. Possibly some of those below have bothered you, and the answers may help you. The more certain you are that you are doing the right thing, the pleasanter your evening will be.

1. When you sit down and order a cocktail in a restaurant, you put your napkin in your lap (a) as soon as you sit down. (b) when the dinner is served.

2. When bacon and scrambled eggs are passed on a platter you (a) use the serving utensils for the bacon. (b) pick the bacon up with your fingers.

3. When eating baked potatoes in a restaurant, (a) you scoop out and eat only the inside. (b) you may eat the skin separately like bread and butter.

4. When taking a child who is a small eater to a restaurant, you should (a) order a small meal for him. (b) ask for a separate plate and give him some of your meal.

5. When there are three or four couples at a table, the first one served should wait to start eating until (a) everyone at the table is served. (b) two or three others have been served

6. When a waiter asks a woman a question, such as “What kind of salad dressing do you want?” she (a) tells her escort who in turn tells the waiter. (b) answers the waiter herself.

7. Before being eaten in the fingers, sandwiches made from whole slices of bread should be (a) cut in half. (b) cut into bite-size pieces.

8. A small doily is found under the finger bowl when it is brought in on the dessert plate. This doily is (a) removed to the table with the finger bowl. (b) left on the dessert plate when the fingerbowl is removed.

9. When soup is served in a consommé cup with two handles (a) it must be eaten with the soup spoon. (b) the cup may be picked up to drink the soup.

10. When jumbo shrimp cocktail is served in a stemmed bowl you should (a) use a knife to cut the shrimp. (b) use the edge of your fork, holding the stem of the glass with the other hand. 

The correct answers are: 

1. (a)  

2. (a) 

3. (b) 

4. (a) 

5. (b) 

6. (b) 

7. (a) 

8. (a) 

9. (b) 

10. (b)

— Elizabeth L Post, 1967

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wedding Invite Etiquette

You should find out first whether the ceremony will be held in a very small chapel where every seat might be filled, or if it is to be limited to family only. If either is the case, you must not “invite yourself.”

Uninvited appearance not in best of taste

Dear Mrs. Post: I don't care about attending wedding receptions or receiving formal invitations. When I see a boy or a girl I know grow up, and make ready for marriage, I always come out and tell the parents that I would like to attend the ceremony and not the reception, just to see the two united in holy matrimony. In a church or temple one can just walk in as a spectator. My question is, can one "invite oneself to ceremonies? Sylvia M.

Dear Sylvia: Although it is not in the best of taste to invite oneself to an affair for which invitations are being issued, your sincere desire to see the young people married could be considered sufficient reason to do so. But you should find out first whether the ceremony will be held in a very small chapel where every seat might be filled, or if it is to be limited to family only. If either Is the case, you must not "invite yourself." — By Elizabeth L. Post, 1967

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Hat Tipping Fashion

Gilded Age Fashionistas claimed bragging rights! – What the girls are now doing … A San Francisco invention that has caught on in New York and Chicago…

TIP THEIR HATS

It is the fashion in the East now for girls to tip their hats by way of salutation.

The New York damsels were the first who had the courage to expose their pre- cious bangs to the elements whenever they met a friend. Then the Chicago girls followed their example, and now the fashion has reached San Francisco.

Etiquette has not yet asked ladies to tip those dainty little creations, all lace and feathers, nor yet the towering flower-gardens that are the bane of our theaters. The hat that girls tip is a special headgear, warranted to be put on and taken off easily, and to stand hard wear and tear. It was patented by a San Francisco firm, so that for once we can claim the glory of having dictated fashion to the East.

Untrimmed the hat looks a sort of cross between a cook's cap dyed black and a man-of-war’s man's hat. It is only when examined conscientiously that its entire originality is discovered. Upon a circular band of straw, an inch and a half in depth, is posed a plate of fine chip straw about ten inches in diameter. The front of the band is pleasingly ornamented with a strong peak of glazed leather, which can be firmly grasped and used to raise the hat, without any injury to the entire construction.

The hat has quite a rakish appearance when trimmed. This is usually done by encircling the band of straw with ribbon and velvet and gracefully tilting up one side of the brim, with flowers or a plume of feathers. –San Francisco all, 1893

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Hands Off Chicken, Not Lobster

People are less lenient than they used to be… The only thing that could soil the fingers and is not tabued by the meticulous are lobster claws. And when such lobster is served, finger bowls of hot soapy water should be provided at once.– Aside from the erroneous fictional accounts of Henry VIII, Emily was correct. Unless finger bowls are in use, keep your hands off the chicken at a dinner party.

Hands Off Chicken, Modern Code Insists

DEAR Mrs. Post: Is it incorrect, according to eliquette, to eat even the slightest bit of chicken in the fingers? I don't mean whether it is correct to take up what can be cut off the bone easily enough, but I am referring to the very small bones from which it is impossible to cut meat loose with knife and fork. Aren't good table manners to-day more lenient about these foods, especially if finger bowls are provided?

Answer: No, people are less lenient than they used to be. That is, if we go back to the descriptions given us by the writers of long ago, and as copied for instance in the moving picture of Henry the Eighth, who picked up a whole chicken in his hands and tore it apart, our table manners have become positively finicking. The only thing that could soil the fingers and is not tabued by the meticulous are lobster claws. And when such lobster is served, finger bowls of hot soapy water should be provided at once. Perhaps, if this practice were followed when serving chicken, there would be no objection to taking the wings in the fingers. — Emily Post, 1937

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia