Etiquette and the Royal Martinet

It is reported that the Princess entered the drawing-room in the evening to await dinner, dressed in a most lovely crimson velvet gown, with crimson silk hose to match. The Queen, happening to spy the Princess’ feet, said: “Do you not know that colored stockings are not permitted in my presence? Go to your room at once and change your stockings.” And so the poor Princess came down to dinner in a crimson velvet dress, wearing white stockings. — 
A formal portrait of Queen Victoria, taken in 1882 , courtesy of Wikipedia

                              

The Queen as a Martinet

(Martinet definition: A martinet is a person who demands strict, rigid obedience to rules and orders, often even when those rules are unnecessary or unreasonable.)

The court etiquette has grown more rigid and inflexible during these months of increasing morbidness, and soon, it is feared, the Queen will be as far removed from her people as a Chinese Emperor. She carries out her willful insistance upon etiquette in every least detail, and even when it concerns her own children and grandchildren.

When the Princess Louise returned from Canada and arrived at Windsor, she was kept waiting until she had changed her attire and until the Queen sent word that she was prepared to receive her. It is reported that the Princess entered the drawing-room in the evening to await dinner, dressed in a most lovely crimson velvet gown, with crimson silk hose to match. The Queen, happening to spy the Princess’ feet, said: “Do you not know that colored stockings are not permitted in my presence? Go to your room at once and change your stockings.” And so the poor Princess came down to dinner in a crimson velvet dress, wearing white stockings.

Not one of the royal children ever visited the Queen except by special and formal invitation. Her Majesty appoints the hour for her own children to come and for them to go. One can imagine the unnaturalness of such a household. The Prince consort was stately, but he was a genial, happy, mirth-loving gentleman. He was the most affectionate husband and father, and no royal etiquette ever stood in the way of his fine German heartiness. Since his death his children have had no parental companionship, and they are as far removed from the Queen as though they never had been born of her.

It is well known that the Prince of Wales has very great influence with his mother and is personally deeply attached to her. He was a constant companion of his father, and he quite remembers how his father managed the Queen in the old days. The Prince is said to be the most charming in his relations to his mother, and is always upon his most beautiful manners in her presence. He at times does approach her with great affection and even tenderness of feeling and demonstration. — Correspondence Chicago Tribune, 1883

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Runway Etiquette

DO: Arrive early and follow your designated check-in procedures. VIP and media guests often have separate lines and priority admission, followed by standard and general admission. 

Good Manners Are Always in Fashion

Last Saturday, I had the pleasure of attending Los Angeles Fashion Week. While the collections commanded attention, I found myself observing something beyond the runway: the etiquette of the audience. 

From seating arrangements to personal conversations, it was a reminder that fashion can be on display, but so are our manners. 

Let's walk through the do's and don'ts of runway etiquette. 

1. THE ARRIVAL

DO: Arrive early and follow your designated check-in procedures. VIP and media guests often have separate lines and priority admission, followed by standard and general admission.

DON'T: Assume your outfit grants you VIP access. Respect the event staff and your ticket designation.

2. SIT CONSIDERATELY

DO: Remain in your assigned seat. Fold your jacket neatly across your lap and tuck your purse beneath your chair, keeping walkways clear.

DON'T: Occupy another guest's seat with your belongings or allow your handbag to spill into your neighbor's personal space.

3. LEGS & POSTURE

DO: Sit upright with your knees together. If crossing your legs, a graceful cross at the ankles keeps your feet from extending into the runway or your neighbor's space.

DON'T: Extend your legs into the aisle, block the runway, or invade another guest's seating area.

4. PERSONAL BELONGINGS

DO: Keep water bottles, beverages, and personal belongings securely within your designated space.

DON'T: Place drinks or belongings near the runway where they could spill, create a hazard, or interfere with the models.

5. PHONES & PHOTOGRAPHY

DO: Silence your phone and remain attentive throughout the presentation. Take photographs discreetly when permitted.

DON'T: Use flash photography, obstruct another guest's view, or spend the entire show scrolling through personal messages and social media.

6. MIND YOUR MANNERS

DO: Give the presentation your attention. Cover your mouth discreetly when yawning or coughing, and keep conversations for before or after the show.

DON'T: Talk, laugh loudly, or engage in distracting behavior while models are presenting a designer's collection.

7. RESPECT THE RUNWAY

DO: Remain seated, respect the models' space, and applaud at appropriate moments, particularly during the designer's finale.

DON'T: Step onto the runway, interrupt the presentation, or approach models for photographs.


THE FINAL WALK

Attending a fashion show is more than an opportunity to admire beautiful clothing. It's an opportunity to demonstrate courtesy, consideration, and respect for the artistry before us.

After all, style is what you wear. Etiquette is how you carry yourself.

Countributor Eileen Copeland is the founder of Southern California Etiquette™, a modern etiquette and social refinement platform which explores dining culture, hosting, presentation, and contemporary social behavior. A native Southern Californian, Eileen's background includes executive and personal assisting, real estate, wellness, modeling, beauty, and luxury client services. Married for over 15 years, Eileen is a mother of two and grandmother of two, whose broad experiences, including living internationally for nearly a decade, helped shape her appreciation for culture, hospitality, and refined living. She shares life with her husband, her mini Goldendoodle, Teddy, her poodle, Cali and Luna, her sphynx cat, while continuing her etiquette studies under mentor Maura Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette.

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette: A Social Currency

Etiquette is at its most basic the rules accepted as good manners and social skills. It is responding to an invitation promptly. It is showing appreciation for someone else’s graciousness or assistance. It is showing up on time and being dressed appropriately for a given event. It is about not embarrassing someone else or gossiping about others. It is a firm, but friendly, handshake and smile. It is many times about one’s character.

Does Etiquette Have a White Stigma?

In the minority world, sadly the word “Etiquette’ does not often translate as ‘necessary social skills’ or ‘social graces for everyone,’ but more as something showing off someone’s whiteness and assumed financial status. It has become an all too often experience that I need to explain a few truths about living a well-mannered life. 

Etiquette is at its most basic the rules accepted as good manners and social skills. It is responding to an invitation promptly. It is showing appreciation for someone else’s graciousness or assistance. It is showing up on time and being dressed appropriately for a given event. It is about not embarrassing someone else or gossiping about others. It is a firm, but friendly, handshake and smile. It is many times about one’s character. 

Etiquette can make a big difference in whether one will be accepted or not in a new school or employment environment. Knowledge of etiquette opens doors and helps build friendships. My family was not wealthy, nor did I live around affluent people, however I learned important social graces from my grandmother. “Head up, shoulders back”. I could still hear her voice correcting my posture every time I corrected my children when they were young. 

Many of her lessons and behaviors I learned from her as a young adult, made me realize that knowledge of etiquette and good manners are much like a social ‘currency,’ of sorts. They open doors to exclusive clubs, opportunities and strong friendships. They open up a world in which others trade in the same pleasing social currency. 

For the majority of my life I have been told I was “acting white” or “trying to be white.” One quote I heard too often was, “You’re acting bougie,” all because my vocabulary consisted of ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ ‘may I,’ ‘yes, ma’am,’ ‘yes, sir’ and much more. I had no idea that many heads of households in my community, which was heavily saturated with minorities from humble beginnings, were not always raising their children with the same knowledge of social graces, understanding of social choreography, graceful femininity or chivalric masculinity, as my siblings and I were.

Etiquette is universal. The truth is that it needs to be introduced to children and adults of all nationalities and ethnicities, from all walks of life, early on in life. Even babies born with gilded spoons in their mouths, I am certain, needed etiquette training to be accepted in their corners of the world. We all do. It’s never too late to benefit from workshops and training if you were not as fortunate as I was growing up. It’s time to embrace, enjoy and live life. Why not be poised while doing it? 

Etiquette unfortunately has to lose the ‘white’ stigma attached to it in minority communities. No particular race or ‘color’ invented manners! Forks were invented in Africa. Some of the earliest writings on diplomacy were written in Egypt. Confucius wrote about the necessity of manners in China as early as 500 BCE. Good manners are expected and accepted throughout the world. Every society needs them to exist. 

It’s time that we enrich our lives with the knowledge of Etiquette. We people of color have to put the false pride down and learn how to walk into any room with dignity, good posture and grace. It is time we learn to command an unfamiliar room with well-honed social skills and leave a positive impression any time we make our graceful exits. We all have to eat. Let’s all do it with impressive table manners!

Countributor Eileen Copeland is the founder of Southern California Etiquette™, a modern etiquette and social refinement platform which explores dining culture, hosting, presentation, and contemporary social behavior. A native Southern Californian, Eileen’s background includes executive and personal assisting, real estate, wellness, modeling, beauty, and luxury client services. Married for over 15 years, Eileen is a mother of two and grandmother of two, whose broad experiences, including living internationally for nearly a decade, helped shape her appreciation for culture, hospitality, and refined living. She shares life with her husband, her mini Goldendoodle, Teddy, and Luna, her sphynx cat, while continuing her etiquette studies under mentor Maura Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Restaurant’s Who’s Who

The Waiter: Fulfills the same function as the captain in less formal restaurants, minus the oversight of other tables, which is left to a floor manager.

A 2nd  Debut article from 2020

Here are the key positions you’ll find at most upscale restaurants. The more formal the restaurant, the more people you can expect to see milling about the dining room. The terms may vary by restaurant.

Host or hostess: Greets guests and, depending on the restaurant, may also take reservations. The host usually handles walk-ins and helps with seating at the bar and with taking items to coat check.

General manager (G.M.): The G.M. oversees all restaurant operations that don’t fall under the executive chef’s purview — from budget to staffing and service issues. Generally, the G.M. works in an office, but he or she can often be seen pinch-hitting in the dining room.

Maître d’: From the French maître d’hôtel (“master of the house”). The maître d’ oversees the seating chart, making sure VIPs get the best servers and choice tables. He greets guests upon arrival (sometimes getting a monied handshake) and ensures smooth table flow. If a table lingers too long, for example, it’s the maître d’s job to tactfully offer those guests a drink at the bar. Depending on the size of the restaurant, the maître d’ sometimes doubles as floor manager.

Floor manager: A catch-all position overseeing the dining room and perhaps fulfilling the duties of a maître d’ or captain at restaurants that don’t have them.

Captain: Oversees several tables in a section of the restaurant and has a team of staffers (front waiters, runners, back waiters, bus people) at his disposal. He stays in the dining room, making sure everyone in his section is having a smooth dining experience. He greets the table; takes appetizer, entrée, dessert and coffee orders; and “drops” the check. He is also in charge of pacing the meal so that entrees don’t arrive when you’re halfway through your starter. At restaurants with table-side service, the captain is responsible for flourishes such as filleting fish or carving fowl. The position exists in the most formal New York restaurants (Per Se, Daniel and Le Bernadin) and Providence and Craft in L.A.

Waiter: Fulfills the same function as the captain in less formal restaurants, minus the oversight of other tables, which is left to a floor manager.

Front waiter: The liaison between the kitchen and the waiter, he also assists the waiter or captain with wine and beverage service and helps “mark” or set the table before each course

Sommelier or wine director: Assists guests with food and wine pairings, tactfully gauging what the guests will want to spend. He also typically purchases wine for the restaurant, arranges staff tastings and assembles the wine list.

Maître fromager: If the restaurant has a substantial cheese selection, chances are it also has a master of cheese. He presents cheeses at the table and serves them, making suggestions when appropriate about wine pairings. He also cares for the cheeses, keeping them at the right temperature and aiming for peak ripeness. There are only a handful in L.A., at restaurants such as Spago.

Runner: Responsible for bringing dishes from the kitchen to the table. Using table positions (provided by the waiter), the runner drops dishes in front of the appropriate guests.

Back waiter/bus person: Responsible for “table maintenance”: refilling water glasses and coffee cups, clearing finished dishes, crumbing the table.

— By Restaurant Critic and Author, Pascale Le Draoulec, 2007

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Customs of Singapore

There is an authentic ‘past and present’ beauty with colonial houses against the backdrop of new skyscrapers. The streets were manicured and clean. People were relaxed and polite. I loved exploring…

Before I started traveling, to be honest with you, I didn’t hear good things about Singapore. Many times, throughout my years as a news watcher, Singapore would be featured alongside its extremely strict rules, which would make me shudder. I really didn’t have it on my list of places to visit.

Eventually, I did travel to Singapore, and I must say, I was absolutely delighted. There was an authentic ‘past and present’ beauty with colonial houses against the backdrop of new skyscrapers. The streets were manicured and clean. People were relaxed and polite. I loved exploring Little India and Chinatown. You could not miss sitting down at the Raffles Hotel to enjoy a Singapore Sling whilst cracking peanut shells, by tradition, throwing them down on the floor!

The Interesting History of Singapore

Singapore is a large port city and island that serves the Indian Ocean, South China Sea and the Malacca Straits. Records highlight that it was occupied by the Sumatran Empire, then taken over by the Southern Indian Kingdom, then the Javanese and Chinese and originally called Temasek Island. Later on, the name changed to Singapura (“Lion City”). Being a large connecting port, those from the East India Company used it as a base, later falling into the hands of the greater British Empire. So, you can see that Singapore has been marked by many cultures and until today it displays that in its architecture and cosmopolitan vibe.

‘Fine City’ 

What was I talking about when I mentioned “extremely strict rules”? Singapore is known for its penalty enforcement, issuing fines for its citizens and tourists, and keeping a strict stance on keeping the small island nation clean and socially cohesive. In the past, the Singapore government has had campaigns bringing to people’s attention, in 1968 ‘Keep Singapore Clean and in 1970’s ‘Operation Snip Snip’ highlighting men sporting long hair to be attended last and be removed from their jobs. In 2003, with the ‘OK Campaign’ of not squatting on toilets and flushing the toilet after use. Funnily enough, not flushing the toilet still is a thing! 

How about today? 

• Items such as chewing gum, E-cigarettes or vapes, pornography, and of course, drugs strictly cannot be brought into Singapore (the death penalty still exists). 
• What about your conduct and what etiquette to use when you are in public? Smoking is restricted to certain areas in the city and outer suburbs and banned indoors, undercover areas, near parks, hawker centers, public transport and near bus and train stops. And if you are a smoker you will have to make your way to a designated spot and throw the cigarette ends in the bin. 
• You will notice that Singaporean transport is very clean, and that is due to rules of not eating or drinking on public transport is prohibited. 
• You cannot throw rubbish on the ground or spit wherever you want. Those are 2 very bad habits anyway, so refuse the urge, regardless of the consequences or country. 
• Drinking alcohol is restricted as there are times and ‘liquor control zones’ when one can and cannot drink, along with shops which cannot serve people after certain times of day. 
• Displays of affection between couples is seen as inappropriate.

Cultural Cues of Singapore

Singapore is a blend of Chinese, Malay, Indian, Eurasians, and Westerners that occupy the island and is known for being an expatriate hangout. Learning the culture of these ethnic groups will help you navigate Singapore more easily. Be aware that those who are Eurasian may not want to discuss their ethnicity with you, so it’s best not to ask directly. 

Due to many government social campaigns and education in schools, focusing on social cohesiveness, Singaporeans generally are very polite and treat each other with respect. 

Punctuality is seen as a positive gesture and expected if you’re late, call ahead and let the host or those you are meeting know that you will be running late. If you are invited to eat, do be aware of the cultural background of that person and use the etiquette rules that apply.

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth is currently traveling throughout India and brushing up on her Hindi.

www.auersmont.com | +61 466 344 331 | auersmont@gmail.com

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of the Silk Umbrella

“In the case of Ashanti, the umbrella has figured as a trophy, the great sun-shade of King Coffee being all the British have to show for their waste of blood and treasure in equatorial Africa.”

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According to Wikipedia, Kofi Karikari was the 10th King of the Ashanti Empire, and grandnephew of Kwaku Dua I, whose sudden death in April 1867 sparked internal strife about the succession. Kofi Karikari was chosen by an electoral majority, reigning from May of 1867 until his forced abdication in October of 1874.— Public domain image of Golden trophy head belonging to the treasury of Kofi Karikari

THE SILK UMBRELLA

If you are the possessor of a silk umbrella and are desirous of appraising its merits, see what proportion the spread of it when open bears to the diameter when shut. To the extent the relation partakes of the nature of an inverse ratio, to that extent is your umbrella a good one. 

Folding up a silk umbrella is quite an art, the acquisition of which seems wholly impossible to some people. You should gather the tips firmly together in your right hand, elevate your umbrellato an angle of forty-five degrees with the trunk of the body; then, commencing at the bottom, with your left hand gather the folds of the umbrella rapidly together, working all the while toward the top. When you have got as far as the confining band stop, adjust it, and your umbrella is folded. 

A folded silk umbrella which has "bights" in it or measures more than two inches in diameter is a fraud, or else its owner does not possess the knack of folding it up properly. In the case of Ashanti, the umbrella has figured as a trophy, the great sun-shade of King Coffee being all the British have to show for their waste of blood and treasure in equatorial Africa.

The material, hue and poise of an umbrella are so many criteria of respectability. A man may deceive with his hat often, with his gloves seldom, but with his umbrella never. It is an unerring test of character, a passport to gentility, and nobody is quicker to recognize the ring of the true metal in another or to detect the pretensions of the spurious ones than the true gentleman himself.— The Morning Union, 1889

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Fashionable Louis XV Heel

Custom-made shoes with Louis XV-style heels, belonging to Rita de Acosta Lydig (1880-1929), wealthy New York socialite. She commissioned several hundred pairs of this style heels from Pierre Yantorny, a talented shoemaker with an exclusive clientele.

—Photo source, Twitter

Why is it that we always associate the French woman with all that is frivolous in dress, as well as in most other things, while we know that in many ways, the French are the most thrifty and practical of nations? An authoritative statement is made now that high heels are having an unusual running Paris, something unprecedented, for it is said, that the French woman owes her good carriage to the fact that she almost universally wears a low, broad heel, and the French boot maker invariably refers to the small pedestal in the middle of the foot upon which some unfortunates limp, as the “English heel.” It is possible that what we have always known as the “Louis XV,” or “French heel,” is a relic of past days in France, and has since been known only outside of that country? — New York Times, 1902

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Global Cigarette Etiquette

The idea is that it is more courteous to allow a comrade the greater length of time. If he is handed the match first he naturally hurries in order to hand it back again. 

A 2nd Debut Article from 2016

There is a fashion even in so small a thing as the lighting of a cigarette. In Cuba it is customary among gentlemen for one to place the cigarette between his lips, light it, take a few puffs and then hand it to his friend. In Spain the same fashion prevails. An Austrian is very punctilious about the etiquette of cigar lighting. He lights his cigarette first and then hands the lighted match to his companion. The idea is that it is more courteous to allow a comrade the greater length of time. If he is handed the match first he naturally hurries in order to hand it back again. 

A Frenchman always hands his companion the match first. An Englishman proffers the cigarette to his friend, lights a match, hands it to him, and then helps himself to another cigarette and match. An American usually hands his friend a lighted match and takes a light from his cigarette afterward. The small boy gets a light wherever he can, generally from some passer-by on the street. The habit of stopping men on the street to ask for a light is looked upon as ill-bred in all countries. In no country is it tolerated to such an extent as in the United States. — The New York Mail and Express, 1887

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia