National Guard Battles Bad Manners

Then things grew warm, for if there is one thing that Captain Sullivan prides himself on it is his ability to behave as a gentleman, and as for his table etiquette- well, he just simply defies any one to prove that he is not on to the very latest wrinkles. Of course the captain’s friends have implicit faith in him and stand ready to back him against Ward McAllister if necessary, but then Adjutant Delaney’s have not, and they are making every possible use of Colonel Barry's insinuations. – Public domain image of the California National Guard logo

LACK OF MANNERS

Why a Captain May Not Be a Major

THIRD REGIMENT TROUBLES

One Officer Insinuates That Another May Eat Pie With a Knife

To be a member of the National Guard and not to be mixed up in some sort of internal row is considered the greatest kind of a disgrace just now.

First the Light Battery privates became mixed up with their superiors; then the boys over in Oakland took a hand in the affair and began to call each other choice and pet names and now a big dark war cloud is hovering over the Third Regiment.

It is over an election that the Third Regiment folks seem fated to quarrel.

The Legislature at the last session, perhaps with the purpose in view of providing additional attractions to the feminine eye during the summer encampments, created the office of junior major in each regiment in the State.

When the time came for the filling of the office in the Third Regiment two persons appeared up as aspirants for it.

One was William M. Sullivan, at present captain of Company D, and the other William P. Delaney, the present adjutant.

Immediately the officers took sides, and when a count of noses was made it was found that the Sullivan end was the stronger.

Then Colonel Barry waxed wroth. The colonel is a supporter of Delaney and it grieved him to learn that a majority of his subordinate officers was not in sympathy with him.

It was during Colonel Barry's angry moments that the great trouble started.

“Elect this fellow Sullivan major of my regiment,” exclaimed the colonel. “No, never while I have a thing to do with it,” and then in a quiet way he proceeded to make known his objections to the “fellow Sullivan.”

Among them were insinuations that “D” company’s captain was a bit short on manners. That he knew but little of table etiquette, and that were he to gain the coveted office the regiment, could never again shine socially.

Now had Colonel Barry made his remarks in the presence of his own friends only, or, better still, to himself in the secrecy of his boudoir, all might have gone well. But then he didn't. He made them in the presence of a number of people among whom were a few of Sullivan’s friends, and they of course immediately carried the tale to him.

Then things grew warm, for if there is one thing that Captain Sullivan prides himself on it is his ability to behave as a gentleman, and as for his table etiquette- well, he just simply defies any one to prove that he is not on to the very latest wrinkles. Of course the captain’s friends have implicit faith in him and stand ready to back him against Ward McAllister if necessary, but then Adjutant Delaney's have not, and they are making every possible use of Colonel Barry’s insinuations.

They recite the adjutant’s many acts of gallantry; tell of his dancing ability, the graceful manner in which he acts at table and of his captivating manners while in the company of the fair sex, and in the most sarcastic manner they inquire what Sullivan has to say for himself.

Then Sullivan’s friends take a turn at talking. They begin by denying all the charges against their man, and they take a shy at his opponent, but all this talk is doing little to solve the much-mooted question, and among the disinterested a doubt still exists as to whether Captain Sullivan be a man overburdened with good manners, or if he be one who eats pie with a knife, uses a napkin for a facecloth and wears his hat in a parlor, or Colonel Barry be a little hasty.

It has been found necessary to postpone the election in order to solve the knotty question, - San Francisco Call, 1893

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Gilded Age Etiquette of Eating

In taking your place at the table you should not get too close nor to far away. Some authorities say a foot is about the proper distance, but you may not desire to wait to have the measure taken, it is best to make sure that you get in reach of it. If you do not drink wine it is best not to deliver a temperance lecture to those who do. In partaking of fruits, such as oranges, cut them into small morsels before eating and never swallow them whole. – Above, 2 different types of gilded age silver “orange holders” from the book, What Have We Here?: The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond... 

Almost any one can eat, but to eat according to the established rules of good society is another story. If you happen to discover that a great man eats pie with his knife, do not follow his example in the hope of acquiring greatness, for ten to one that is not how he came to be great.

The first thing to be considered is how to get to the table. In the rush it is considered bad form to get ahead of the ladies. Give them a chance. In taking your place at the table you should not get too close nor to far away. Some authorities say a foot is about the proper distance, but you may not desire to wait to have the measure taken, it is best to make sure that you get in reach of it. If you do not drink wine it is best not to deliver a temperance lecture to those who do. In partaking of fruits, such as oranges, cut them into small morsels before eating and never swallow them whole.

Never attempt to talk when the mouth is full If you are spoken to when in such a predicament it is best - provided you are not familiar with the deaf and dumb alphabet - to quietly and unostentatiously slip the morsel from your mouth and drop it under the table; but in case it be something you are loath to surrender, you might place it in charge of some reliable person till you have finished your discourse. In matters of this kind you will have to depend largely argely upon your own tact, as no iron-bound rules can be given.

Remember that you are not supposed to quit eating simply because you have gotten enough. You must have sufficient regard for the feelings of others to go on making a pretense at eating till all have finished. I have this from good authority. and though it may seem that if all adhere to this rule there would be no end to the feast - that it would result in an endless chain that would reach into the misty realms of futurity - yet experience has proved that there will always be one ill-bred person present who has no more sense than to quit when he gets enough, and so furnish a pretext for those of gentle breeding to bring the agony to a close. – Marysville Daily Appeal, 1898

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Timeless Etiquette of the Middle Ages

“Fifty Courtesies of the Table,” or “Fifty Courtesies at Table,” is a medieval book of table manners and the proper behavior at the table for social acceptance – “Attend to your own plate and not to that of others. Do not mix together on your plate all sorts of viands, meat and eggs. It may disgust your neighbor. Do not eat coarsely or vulgarly, and if you have to share your bread with anyone cut it neatly if you do not wish to be ill bred. Do not soak your bread in your wine, for,” says the friar, “if any one should dine with me and thus fish up his victuals I should not like it.”– Depiction of a medieval banquet

  

ETIQUETTE

TABLE MANNERS THAT STILL HOLD:

Friar Bonvesin, a Holy Man, 

Who Liked Polite Company, 

Laid Down Sensible Rules

“Fifty Courtesies of the Table.” That is the title of a curious old manuscript of the thirteenth century to be found among the numberless rolls of yellowed and shriveled parchments which constitute the great wealth of the Ambrosian library at Milan. It is written in verse by Friar Bonvesin, who appears to have been an arbiter of good manners to the public of six centuries ago and who has not been essentially improved upon by the numerous writers on etiquette of more recent years.

Fra Bonvesin seems not only to have possessed pretty good sense regarding the cardinal points of refined table manners, but also to have had an appreciation of the more delicate touches of good breeding and gentility worthy of my Lord Chesterfield himself.

It can do no harm to repeat some of the worthy monk’s admonitions, for they are not only of interest as throwing light on the civilization and customs of the time, but the greater number of them might be pasted in every man’s hat with advantage to the wearer, provided he would look at them occasionally for almost every one has at least read or been told what good manners are. The practice of them is what is lacking.

After impressing on his readers the necessity of cleanliness in personal appearance at table he continues: “Do not be in too great a hurry to take your seat at table before being invited. If you should find your place occupied, do not make any disturbance about the matter, but politely yield.”

The Tübingen School, the Renans and the Ingersolls had not as yet unsettled the popular mind on certain important questions, and the necessity of saying grace was of more consequence in Friar Bonvesin’s day than it might be considered now. One is particularly warned not to neglect saying grace. “It is, to the extreme, gluttonous and vile and showing great contempt of the Lord to think of eating before having asked his blessing.” This over, one is admonished “to sit decently at the table, not with the legs crossed nor with elbows on the board.”

“Do not” - mark this, you representative from the rural districts, you business man with but a few moments to spare for your lunch, you well gorged patrons of high priced restaurants, mark this “do not fill your mouth too full. The glutton who fills his mouth will not be able to reply when spoken to.” And elsewhere the careful brother utters an especial warning against the breach of good manners in eating noisily.

Evidently the worthy frater thought little of the table talk of that day, for his next recommendation savors strongly of the homely but expressive mandate of our grandparents, “Let your victuals stop your mouth.” Friar Bonvesin’s version is, “When eating, speak little, because in talking one's food is apt to drop or be spluttered.” “When thirsty, swallow your food before drinking.” Excellent hygiene as well as good manners.

In that early time dinner services were not as complete as in later periods. Each guest was supposed to bring with him his own knife and spoon, and there was but one drinking cup for the whole company. The following admonitions as to the use of this cup are of interest: “Do not dirty the cup in drinking. Take it with both hands firmly, so as not to spill the wine. If not wishing to drink and your neighbor has dirtied the cup, wipe it before passing it on.”

The fourteenth courtesy is admirable, and not only admirable, but applicable to many diners out of the present and to all those amiable people whose conviviality is in excess of their discretion: “Beware of taking too much wine, even if it be good, for he offends trebly who does so against his body and his soul, while the wine he consumes is wasted.” Prudent old Friar Bonvesin!

“If any one arrives during the meal” one is told “not to rise, but continue eating.” The sixteenth courtesy is one particularly significant for the present, as in it those who take soup are counseled not to “swallow their spoons” and are further advised to “correct themselves of this bad habit as soon as possible. If you should sneeze or cough, cover your mouth, and above all turn away from the table.”

The next courtesy has the true Chesterfieldian stamp: Good manners demand that one should partake, however little, of whatever is offered - if, that is, one is in good health. “Do not,” urges Friar Bonvesin, “criticize the food or say, ‘This is badly cooked or too salted.’ Attend to your own plate and not to that of others. Do not mix together on your plate all sorts of viands, meat and eggs. It may disgust your neighbor. Do not eat coarsely or vulgarly, and if you have to share your bread with anyone cut it neatly if you do not wish to be ill bred. Do not soak your bread in your wine, for,” says the friar, “if any one should dine with me and thus fish up his victuals I should not like it.”

“If with ladies, carve first for them - to them the men should do honor. Always remember if a friend be dining with one to help him to the choicest parts. Do not” -and how very thoughtful and sensible this advice- “do not, however, press your friend too warmly to eat or drink, but receive him well and give him good cheer. When dining with any great man, cease eating while he is drinking, and do not drink at the same time as he. When sitting next a bishop, do not drink till he drinks nor rise till he rises.” – San Jose Herald, 1895

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Brit Manners According to Frenchman

It is not etiquette to blow one’s nose, to spit, to sneeze. What is one to do? Is it etiquette to have a cold?  –Public domain image of Jules Lecompte, French author and wit from the min 19th century.

English Etiquette

Jules Lecompte, a French wit, gives this description of English etiquette: 

• It is not etiquette to blow one's nose, to spit, to sneeze. What is one to do? Is it etiquette to have a cold? 
• It is not etiquette to talk loud, even in Parliament; 
• to walk in the middle of the street; 
• to run to get out of the way of a carriage. You must let yourself be ran over. 
• It is not etiquette to close a letter with a wafer, for then people say that you send them your spittle; or to write without an envelope. 
• Neither is it etiquette to go to the opera with the smallest flower or stripe upon your waistcoat or cravat; 
• or to eat soup twice; 
• or bow first to a lady; 
• or to ride in an omnibus; 
• or to go to an evening party before ten or eleven o'clock, 
• or to a ball before midnight; 
• or to drink beer at dinner without immediately returning the glass to the servant. 
• It is not etiquette not to shave every day, (the majority of Frenchmen, it must be remembered, never wash their face but when they shave, and shave, if at all, but every second day,) 
• or to be hungry, 
• or to offer to drink to a person of high rank, 
• or to be surprised when the ladies leave the table at the dessert. 
• To wear black in the morning or colored clothes in the evening is not etiquette. 
• To address a lady without adding her christian name, 
• to speak to a person to whom you have not been introduced, 
• to knock gently at a door, 
• to have a splash of mud on your boots, no matter how bad the weather, 
• to have copper (penny) in your pocket, 
• to wear your hair cut short, 
• or a grey hat, 
• a silk handkerchief, decoration, a great beard, or even a little one - all this is quite contrary to etiquette. – From the Shasta Courier, 1853

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Etiquette: Trifles Proclaim a Gent

If an American young man possessing the average American manhood could have the courteous, deferential manner toward women (I mean all women, old and ugly as well as young and beautiful) that we find in most foreigners whom we meet he would be simply irresistible. For women like brain and brawn as well as manners, but sometimes bad manners can destroy the effect of every other virtue.

WHAT I WOULD TELL A MAN- IF I DARED

Bad Manners Are a Great Handicap

Trifles Proclaim the Gentleman

I CAN’T say that 1 have ever really been in love, but I can say that I have been disillusioned more than once, and the reason therefore - well, it can be traced to the same cause. I have been out for some three seasons and my experience extends to several cities, and includes abroad, one winter.

Ah, that winter abroad! I suppose it was during that time that my eyes were opened to the glaring breaches of etiquette and incongruities of conduct committed daily by our American young men. Mind, I don't say that I prefer any foreigner to our own young men, only their manners.

If an American young man possessing the average American manhood could have the courteous, deferential manner toward women (I mean all women, old and ugly as well as young and beautiful) that we find in most foreigners whom we meet he would be simply irresistible. For women like brain and brawn as well as manners, but sometimes bad manners can destroy the effect of every other virtue.

Not long ago I thought I was really in love with a certain young man who was very attentive. He was quite handsome and I felt highly flattered and pleased-and something more. He danced with me oftener than any one else at balls and cotillons. He sent me flowers and I always managed to be at home when he called. For some time our affairs ran smoothly enough, but one evening we were guests at dinner at the same house and were placed opposite to each other at table. Our affair had not progressed far enough for us to count upon being always placed together.

“Umph! I'm sorry for Hal,” murmured the young man on my right, indicating my friend opposite. “I happen to know that he doesn't like to talk about art, and there he is next to Miss Escher, who can talk of nothing else.” “But at dinner we should fit into our surroundings,” I replied. “I suppose he'll behave as though he adored the subject of art.”

And I watched to see. For one evening I tried to look at my hero with disinterested eyes. I saw him deliberately turn his back upon poor Miss Escher and devote himself to a pretty little thing on his left. While watching him thus through other eyes, as it were, I saw other things which had heretofore escaped me. I saw that his napkin was tucked into his collar, his spoon was in his cup, and his knife and fork reposed on the table with one end on his plate.

The scales began to fall from my eyes, for it is my belief that all these little things proclaim the man and the gentleman. Another time I liked a young man enough to think I was in love with him until one day I saw him use a toothpick is public!

I know all these things seem trivial, but then life is made up of small things, and these trifles are more important to a woman than some of the great things. Impoliteness seems to be a common fault of the young men of today, as the hostesses who suffer inconvenience therefrom can testify. How often do you see one of these young men deny himself the pleasure of a smoke in order to rescue some pining wall flower? How many of them ever make a “party call”?

When you think about it seriously, are we young women so much to blame when we become fascinated with the ways of gentlemen across the water? I firmly believe that if our young men of today were equally as gracious in their manners as their foreign rivals we would seldom hear of an American girl marrying any other than an American man. At present I am saving my smiles for some American of congenial tastes and disposition whose manners will not offend, but he is hard to find. – By a Pretty Girl, for the San Francisco Call, 1909

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette of Visiting Cards

“Yes; it seems to me that one of the most important things is the etiquette of cards. It is strange that a bit of pasteboard means so much, isn't it?”

The Rules Governing the Use of 

Visiting Cards

When, Where, For Whom to Leave Them

"ASK me anything you like," said Mrs. Wright cordially to a friend who had been puzzled over some points of etiquette.

"You are very good to help me," said Mrs. Howe. "After living out of town for some time as I have done one gets out of touch with many things."

"In town or out of town there are always certain accounts to be kept with society," answered Mrs. Wright. "In smaller towns and country neighborhoods the same general duties should be done. I don't mean to call them 'duties' only. They should be pleasures."

"But with my children to think of, I have neglected social duties or pleasures," pleaded Mrs. Howe.

"That is a natural and a frequent excuse," said her friend, "but it is not altogether fair to your husband or yourself to neglect society, and not fair to seem indifferent to your friends. Then you must remember that you have two girls. They should give you a new interest in social life."

"But they are children!" exclaimed the young mother in surprise.

Keep in Touch for the Children

"They will not always be children. They will be grown up before you realize. While they are growing up you must not drift away from social interests or customs. You must stay bright and young for the sake of your husband, children, friends and society in general."

"You are right. I am going to try to follow your example," said Mrs. Howe, gayly. Then she added, "If my girls have as good manners when they grow up as your Rosamond, I shall be happy."

"I did not intend to draw down so much flattery on my head or on Rosamond's," said Mrs. Wright, laughing.

Then she continued confidingly: "Rosamond's coming out this winter has been a joy instead of a task, because I have tried always to keep in touch with society and its ways. A girl's coming out brings up all sorts of matters for discussion, and one needs to be prepared with information."

"I see that you are having a very busy winter," said Mrs. Howe.

"Yes, a busy and delightful winter; and now that you tell me you want my suggestions I shall have another pleasure. Is there not something you want to discuss?"

"Yes; it seems to me that one of the most important things is the etiquette of cards. It is strange that a bit of pasteboard means so much, isn't it?"

The Importance of Cards

"Not when you think that cards help to unite society. We could never pay off our social debts, or even remind people of our existence, without these useful little bits of pasteboard. Cards are very often, too, the expressions of kindliness, sympathy or congratulation. After all, there is a common-sense reason about the use of visiting cards, as in most social matters. Leaving cards is a step toward renewing, friendships, forming or enlarging one's circle of friends. If one does not follow the prescribed rules it is a sure step in the wrong direction."

"How should I let my friends know that I have come back to town to live?" asked Mrs. Howe.

"You should call on all friends and former visiting acquaintances and leave your cards with your new address. In large cities where distances are great and visiting is not easy, many persons simplify matters by having a tea or a series of teas and sending out cards to that effect. This shows one's friends that one remembers them and wishes to see them, and they generally respond by calling on one of the days; but after a prolonged absence it would seem more to call on your list of acquaintances, even though you send out cards later for some special event. Everyone should try to make at least one call during the year on friends and acquaintances."

Before I forget it, please explain what is meant by leaving cards?"

Leaving Cards

"Remember always that a card is a reminder of your call and your address. One leaves a card whether the hostess is at home or not. You may leave a card on the hall table when entering the house or when going away. You may lay a card down unobtrusively on any convenient table. 

If you are told at the front door that Mrs. B is not at home, you may leave your card with the person who opens the door. Of course, one must never under any circumstances give one's card to the person on whom one is calling." "About my husband's cards-what is the custom?" asked Mrs. Howe.

"A man is not supposed to have leisure for making calls. His wife leaves his cards with her own when making a first call of the season and when calling in acknowledgment of invitations. The general rule to remember is that a woman leaves one of her cards for each lady in a family, and one of her husband's cards for each lady and for the man of the household. Yet, here is another point: it is not considered in good taste to leave more than three of one's cards at a house, even where there is a large family. 

For instance, you might be calling on Mrs. B. who has two grown daughters. Her mother lives with her. Three of your cards would include them all, and three of your husband's cards would be plenty. As a general rule, a married man's card is not left for a young girl." "How soon is a call due after an invitation?"

"Within a week after a dinner, a luncheon, a card party, a home wedding, or any evening party. It is obligatory to call whether one accepted or not." "Is it right to call after a tea or reception?" inquired Mrs. Howe.

"No, you do not call after a tea or reception, because your call is made when going to the tea. A hostess sends cards to notify her friends when she will be at home. They may go or not as they please. If they go they leave cards. If they cannot go they send cards by post on the day of the tea, and their duty is done."

At that moment pretty Rosamond came in from a walk. Seeing her mother's friend she hastened forward.

"Oh, Mrs. Howe, I am so glad to see you," she said, as they shook hands. Instead of chattering about herself the girl sat near her mother and showed by her courteous manner that she was interested in their guest,

Presently Mrs. Howe rose to go while saying to her hostess, "This friendly talk has given me new energy and courage. I am determined to try to surmount all difficulties in the social world.

Mrs. Wright and Rosamond rose and shook hands with their guest, and Mrs. Wright accompanied her to the door, saying, "Come to me as often as you wish with problems." – Fresno Bee, 1909

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Napkin History Begins with Children

“… the table napkin, was first used only by children and was adopted by elder members of the family about the middle of the fifteenth century.” – Napkins at first were for children, but it would be centuries before bib clips were created for attaching the squares of cloth around the necks of toddlers.

The Table Napkin

Curiously enough, that article now considered almost indispensable, the table napkin, was first used only by children and was adopted by elder members of the family about the middle of the fifteenth century. In etiquette books of an earlier date than this, among other sage pieces of advice for children, are instructions about wiping their fingers and lips with their napkins. It seems that the tablecloth was long enough to reach the floor and served the grown people in place of napkins. When they did begin to use napkins, they placed them first on the shoulder, then on the left arm and finally tied them about the neck.– Tit Bits, 1902

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette, Candor and Vulnerability

“LOVE is exactly like war in this — that a soldier, though he has escaped three weeks complete on Saturday night may, nevertheless, be shot through his heart on Sunday morning.” — Laurence Sterne

Always Too Young to Boast

“LOVE is exactly like war in this — that a soldier, though he has escaped three weeks complete on Saturday night may, nevertheless, be shot through his heart on Sunday morning.” — Laurence Sterne

Tis not an uncommon thing for those on whom Cupid has spent no arrows to boast that they are invulnerable. They are always too young to make that boast. Too young when the years have bowed their shoulders and powdered their heads. It is no distinction to have escaped.

To be incapable of emotion is so similar to a mummy existence that those who have reached years of maturity and have never been “shot through the heart” have reason to be alarmed about themselves. There is something lacking — sympathy, tenderness, charity, tolerance, hope, faith or the power to dream.

Nothing to Boast Of

Such a one should not boast. It is rather a matter to be regretted and remedied. It indicates a sickness of the most sacred of the emotions. It indicates a lack of ability to love; a coldness that makes love turn away. Neither is it to one's credit to have loved only once.

The heart doesn't die with humiliation at its first mistake. It lives to make another, and another, and that which is sometimes regarded as a “mistake” turns out to be the most beneficial and needful of experiences. The mistake lies in carefully covering one's heart with frost, and then making the boast that it is invulnerable.

There never was a heart so fortified, so watched, so guarded and so closely sentineled that there was not some opening by which love could enter if he chose. Sympathy, pity, pride, vanity, hope, who can say which one will point to a weakness in the fortress?

There is some mode of entry into the hardest heart. If there were not, this would be a dreary place in which to live. So don't boast that time has left your heart whole. Rather regret it, and remedy it while the remedy still lies in your hands. — By Beatrice Fairfax, 1912

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia