Conversation Etiquette: No Tattling!

 A double entendre is detestable in woman, especially when perpetrated in the presence of men; no man of taste can respect a woman who is guilty of it: though. it may create a laugh, it will inevitably excite also disgust in the minds of all whose good opinions are worth acquiring.

CONVERSATION is a difficult art, but do not despair of acquiring it. It consists not so much in saying something different from the rest, but in extending the remarks of others; in being willing to please and be pleased; and in being attentive to what is said and to what is passing around you. Talking is not conversation, it is the manner of saying things which gives them their value.

One of the greatest requisites, also, is the art of listening discreetly. To listen is a delicate piece of flattery, and a compliment so gratifying as to surely recommend you.

Cultivate a soft tone of voice and a courteous mode of expression.

It is better to say too little than too much in company: let your conversation be consistent with your sex and age.

Cautiously avoid relating in one house any follies or faults vou may hear or see in another.

Never converse with strangers or mere acquaintances upon family circumstances or differences.

Do not look for faults in the characters or habits of your friends - the critic generally likes to communicate her opinions or discoveries - hence arises a habit of detraction.

Never encourage tattling or detraction; if there were no listeners this petty vice could not exist; besides, the habit of listening to this sort of gossip will soon induce you to participate, by similar communications.

Abjure punning, and exercising even the most refined RAILLERY: the latter requires both observation and talent, and most people mistake satire for raillery; the one may be the offspring of a vicious, the former must be of an enlightened and benevolent mind.

Do not appear abstracted while another person is speaking and never interrupt another by intruding a remark of your own.

Avoid pedantry and dogmatism. Be not obtrusively positive in the assertion of your opinions - modesty of speech, as well as manner, is highly ornamental in a woman.

A double entendre is detestable in woman, especially when perpetrated in the presence of men; no man of taste can respect a woman who is guilty of it: though. it may create a laugh, it will inevitably excite also disgust in the minds of all whose good opinions are worth acquiring.

Therefore not only avoid all indelicate expressions, but appear not to understand any that may be uttered in your presence.

Rather be silent than talk nonsense, unless you have that agreeable art, possessed by some women, of investing little nothings with an air of grace and interest; this most enviable art is indeed very desirable in a hostess, as it often fills up disagreeable pauses, and serves as a prelude for the introduction of more intellectual matter.

Flattery is a powerful weapon in conversation; all are susceptible to it. It should be used skilfully, never direct, but inferred; better acted than uttered. Let it seem to be the unwitting and even the unwilling expression of genuine admiration, the honest expression of the feelings.

Do not (except with a view to improvement) introduce subjects with which you are but superficially acquainted. If you should do so with the idea that all others present are equally or more ignorant than yourself, you may be very disagreeably undeceived, by some quiet, unpresuming person, who may have been listening to the development of your ignorance.

Do not use the terms “genteel people;” “This, that, or the other, is very genteel.” Substitute for them, “They are highly accomplished;” “he is a gentlemanly man;” “that has a gentlemanly appearance;” “she has the manners of a gentlewoman.”

It is not good taste for a lady to say “Yes, Sir,” and “No, Sir,” to a gentleman, or frequently to introduce the word “Sir” at the end of her sentence, unless she desire to be exceedingly reserved toward the person with whom she is conversing.

Do not introduce proverbs and cant phrases; a well educated lady can always find words to express her meaning, without resorting to these.

Never introduce your own affairs for the amusement of the company; such discussions cannot be interesting to others, and the probability is that the most patient listener is laying the foundation for some tale to make you appear ridiculous.

It is not contrary to good-breeding to laugh in company, and even to laugh heartily when there is anything amusing going on; this is nothing more than being sociable. To remain prim and precise on such occasions, is sheer affectation. Avoid, however, what is called the “horse-laugh.”

Never laugh at your own remarks; it inay be a very agreeable excitation, but it invariably spoils what you are saying.

If you are a wit, do not let your witty remarks engross the whole conversation, as it wounds the self-love of your hearers, who also wish to be heard, and becomes excessively fatiguing.

Do not address persons by the initial of their names; “Mrs. A. says this;” “Mrs. B. does that;” it is a mark of vulgarity. — True Politeness, A Handbook of Etiquette for Ladies, By An American Lady, 1847

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The “Pretentious” Fish Knife?

Above - Shown from a different perspective are a properly held fish knife and fish fork… 
Knives and forks  are held with the index finger on the backs of the utensil handles. This is how it looks from the underside. Sometimes it is easier to understand how the utensils are properly held by seeing how they fit into the palms of the hands at an angle. The fish course, in formal Continental dining, is always served before the main course and the salad course is always served afterward, just the opposite as in American dining.

Is the fish knife our most pretentious utensil?

A 2nd Debut Article from 2020

Now largely forgotten, the fish knife comes from an age where table etiquette was front and centre, leading to nearly two hundred different eating utensils being designed for different courses and foods. Adopted by an aspiring middle class wishing to dine like the gentrified, the odd utensil was later targeted by high society as an object of ridicule, as Colin Bisset writes.

The fish knife is the epitome of gentility. With a scalloped shaped blade, the end is just pointy enough to pick small bones from a cooked fish, and the flat blade is useful for sliding between the flesh and skin.

The fish knife first appeared in the first half of the nineteenth century in Britain. Thanks to thriving industry and the wealth generated by an expanding Empire, the rising middle-classes aspired to a gentrified way of dining. From the 1850s, dinners were usually served a la russe, which meant as separate courses as opposed to the previous practice of putting all dishes on the table at the same time. This led to the introduction of a variety of implements to help distinguish the serving and eating of everything from oysters to elaborate puddings, making negotiating a dinner a nightmare for those lacking knowledge of table etiquette. 

It was a boon for cutlery manufacturers who were able to not only to design and market nearly two hundred eating implements but several styles for each one. (Washing up after these long dinners was certainly an arduous task.) The fish knife was an object of fussy design, solving a problem that was not truly present. It is interesting that they managed to last so long when the other cutlery inventions of the Victorian table have largely vanished. 

A fish knife was an essential component for the fish course and they were quickly adapted for dining tables across the newly industrialised world. Made from either plated or solid silver, because ordinary metal blades were believed to blacken when coming into contact with fish, they offered hosts the opportunity to show the world that they could afford to dine in the finest fashion. With ever-more fanciful shapes, some engraved with fish-scales, others as curvaceous as a fish itself, the maritime theme was de rigeur. 

The thought of an ordinary silver knife being able to serve the purpose just as well seems to have been politely put to one side. A larger version was often part of a set for the filleting and serving of a fish meant for several diners.

By the end of the First World War, they fell from fashion, at least for the upper classes who had always found them rather vulgar and preferred to use two forks to fillet a fish. As the century progressed, they quickly became an object of ridicule. However, the invention of stainless steel in the 1920s meant that they could be manufactured cheaply and thus anyone who aspired to a posh kind of gentility would be in possession of a set. 

Snobbish writers such as poet John Betjeman mocked their use, branding the utensil non-U (the term coined by Nancy Mitford to differentiate those with class from those with pretensions to it). Betjeman's famous poem of 1958 “How To Get On In Society” is a catalogue of names and terms used by the upwardly-mobile, at first sight gently mocking but actually (as Betjeman was) quite savage. 'Phone for the fish knives, Norman,' starts the poem, immediately highlighting a raft of non-U words: phone, fish knives and Norman.

The fish knife was an object of fussy design, solving a problem that was not truly present. It is interesting that they managed to last so long when the other cutlery inventions of the Victorian table have largely vanished. 

A visit to any antique shop will however always turn up many sets—many will never have been used. Perhaps, like the fondue set and the parfait dish, their time will come again. They might indeed be reclaimed as symbols for the class warrior and those who despise the snobbism implicit in certain objects.

They remain, however, as an interesting throwback to a time when how one ate was almost more important than what one ate.— By Colin Bisset for Design, 2013

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dessert Spoon Etiquette and History

Dessert spoon rules — Use dessert spoons alone when eating ice cream, pots de crème, and other soft desserts, holding the spoon in the right hand. A dessert fork and spoon are used together when 2 utensils are needed. It’s nearly always done in the Continental style, except this is done with a fork and spoon as opposed to a fork and knife. The fork is held in the left hand with tines facing down, and the spoon is held in the right hand. The fork is used to hold or keep a dessert in place as the spoon cuts off small bites. This works well with desserts such as Baked Alaska or certain types of cakes. An exception to this rule is pie or cake, à la mode. These are both eaten with a dessert fork and spoon. The spoon is used to cut and then place a bite of cake or pie and a bit of ice cream on the fork, which is held in the right hand and used to eat the dessert.

How New Spoon Caused Confusion and Insult

The etiquette of eating was formerly simpler, because the number of table implements was smaller. Sir Charles Murray (born In 1806) states in his “Reminiscences” that dessert spoons were unknown in the days of his youth, and people scraped along very comfortably with only teaspoons and tablespoons. 

When dessert spoons were invented, Hamilton Place, the seat of Sir Charles’ uncle, was among the first households in Scotland to adopt them, and a small laird invited to dine there was both astonished and disgusted to find one of the new fashioned spoons handed to him with the sweets. “What for do you gie me this?” he inquired of the footman. “Do ye think ma mooth has got ony smaller since I lappit ma soup?” — London Chronicle, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Pepper Spray Etiquette

My husband Cliff wanted us to both be safe, so he bought us each pepper spray. I wanted us both to be safe, so I never took mine out of the package.

A Warning to the Unprepared

A 2nd Debut Article from 2016

If you have never experienced pepper spray, or are thinking about carrying some pepper spray for safety, or simply trying some out just to see what it's like, the following are a few etiquette rules one should follow:


 

1. If you feel you must have pepper spray with you, put it in a safe place where it cannot accidentally be sprayed. A safe place would be any place a child cannot find it, or in a special spot. One example would be your glove compartment in your car, not a pocket full of other things like your keys, along with your cell phone, and other assorted items.

Dawn helps save wildlife. It also helped save my husband.

2. If you accidentally spray your pepper spray on yourself after having it in an overly-filled pant pocket, immediately, and extremely politely, ask a spouse, loved one or friend, to please go out and buy you copious amounts of Dawn dish washing liquid. Pepper spray is an oily substance, and as Dawn is used to clean sea life that have been victims of oil spills, it will help you tremendously. 

 

3. Thank your loved one (or friend) profusely. Then, when the pain has subsided, send a handwritten thank you note along with chocolates, flowers, or possibly a bottle of wine. This is a nice touch, especially if your loved one had just returned from 5 long hours of Christmas shopping, and had to run right out again to buy you gallons of Dawn dish detergent.

Maybe you should keep this in your pants pocket instead.

4. Do not use, for example, your spouse's shower to wash the pepper spray off. Surprisingly, this can be construed as very impolite. Those soapy bubbles float all over the place, and when your spouse then goes to take a shower, he or she may find they are sporting a face that is bright red and burning, as the bubbles taking the pepper spray off of you, floated onto the facial cleanser, shampoo and conditioner bottles, and basically the entire shower! Check into a hotel to shower or bathe. Or shower outside with a garden hose if need be. Whatever you do, do not attempt to clean yourself in your spouse's shower or bathtub.


Seriously... the stuff burns!

5. If your spouse's shower or bath are your only options, hire a professional cleaning crew in hazmat suits, to come in afterward and clean said shower or bathtub, as another apology and act of graciousness. You then should always be welcome to use the shower or bath anytime after that.


This stuff works really well, if slathered all over your spouse's face a dozen times throughout the afternoon and evening, even if it is Christmas Eve and he or she is entertaining the family. At least it works well until a new package of supplies arrives from your spouse's favorite beauty or skincare consultant.

6. If your spouse has just purchased shampoo, conditioner, their favorite Kiehl's facial cleanser, and other assorted items that are in the shower with you, politely explain that you will need to throw them all out, but you will purchase all new items to replace them. Make sure you follow through with purchasing new items as soon as possible, and throw in a couple of extra skin care goodies as an added act of goodwill.

Please give your dry cleaner a warning.

7. If you take your pepper sprayed clothing to be professionally laundered, kindly warn the establishment that the clothing has pepper spray on it. If they launder it with anyone else's clothes, they may find themselves named in an unwanted lawsuit.


These won't persuade anyone.

8. If you are goofy enough to take your spouse's unopened package of pepper spray and attach it to your new key ring and keys, simply because you now, "know what to do if it happens again." please laugh it off when your spouse's friends, hairdresser and relatives think you are nuts. You can show them you have those handy wipes you bought off of the internet as proof that you are prepared for yet another pepper spray disaster.



As for me? I am sticking with this pet safe stuff. Evidently it doesn't burn.
 

*Special Note for Physicians: If you are a physician, and your spouse has been given pepper spray by a friend, please don't spritz it into a toilet to see what happens. Moments later, something will happen all the way back down the hall, into your office. You will experience a burning face and burning eyes. Just try to keep in mind, you were smart enough to get through medical school, and take relief in the fact that you were wise enough to not try this during office hours when patients were in the waiting room, right next to that restroom. Politely tell your spouse not to carry the pepper spray. It's up to you whether or not you want to tell your loved one why.

Contributor, and Site Editor, Maura Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, for close to 40 years, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. She is also a writer, has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows and was an on-air contributor to PBS in Southern California for 15 years. She has written several books including, “What Have We Here?: The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond...”  on dining etiquette history and the art of fine dining, which are available on Amazon.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Place Settings Fit for King

His Majesty’s cover for dinner at the French Embassy, including an ashtray— “Right in front was the first wine glass, on which His Majesty’s place card was laid—so he would not have to bend over to read it. Other glasses were two more for white wine, one for red wine, and another, in the center, for the Romanee Conti, famed Burgundy vintage, of which 200 bottles were sent from Paris especially for this dinner.”

— Photo, Etiquipedia’s private library

This Table, Set For The King, 

Starts U. S. Experts Talking

Etiquette authorities, trying to determine how tables should be set for wining and dining royalty when King George VI and Queen Elizabeth visit the United States in June, are interested in this picture. It shows the cover set for His Majesty at a dinner given recently in the French embassy in London. Its especial interest is that it isn’t exactly what American authorities had in mind. The glasses, the turned-down silver and an ash tray caused most comment. Eyebrows weren’t raised at the number of glasses — but at their placing. 

It’s an old American custom to put glasses above and to the right of the knife — not above the service plate. At the dinner given by President M. Lebrun of France, and Mme. Lebrun, however, the water goblet was placed to the left front, near the entrée fork. Behind it came the champagne glass. Right in front was the first wine glass, on which His Majesty’s place card was laid—so he would not have to bend over to read it. Other glasses were two more for white wine, one for red wine, and another, in the center, for the Romanee Conti, famed Burgundy vintage, of which 200 bottles were sent from Paris especially for this dinner. 

The turned-down silver was a surprise in this country. Never, said one authority, is silver turned down. Glasses, perhaps —they might collect a little dust. A waiter will turn them up before serving starts. But the choicely-patterned silver? It can’t happen here. The ash tray is pointed out somewhat gleefully. It’s a long-needed concession to smokers, one authority explains. He points out that until a few years ago, ash trays would have appeared only at the end of the meal. — By Joan Durham, AP Feature Service Writer, 1939

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette of Seating and Socializing

The host and hostess are seated at opposite ends of one another at the table. (The example shows a rectangular table, however, this formula will work at a round table also.) If the Guest of Honor is a woman, she is seated at the host's right and her husband at the hostess' right. The second most important woman is seated across from the Guest of Honor, to the host's left and her spouse on the hostess' left. The remaining male and female guests are seated in between, with the remaining female guest seated at the left of the second most important woman and the remaining male guest seated to the right of the female Guest of Honor. To be fair, the word “important” can be relative to any given situation. If there is no “Guest of Honor” and the formal dinner is simply a get-together of friends, this seating arrangement works with a little creative thinking.

The Art of Socializing Graciously

A 2nd Debut Article from 2022!

From the most simple of societies to the most complex, the act of socializing with dining partners is the primary method of getting to know other humans and keeping relationships with them. It is so ingrained in our lives that the origin of the English word “companion” is the old Latin and French words that translated into English mean, “One who eats bread with another.”

We now live in a highly competitive society, and in a country that is increasingly becoming even more of a melting pot of nationalities, ethnicities and cultures than when the United States of America forged its beginnings. Foreign investments are reaching areas of our lifestyles that we had never envisioned they would. In our own country, we are competing with, attempting to do business with, and socializing with, cultures we have had little or no training at all in understanding.

An awareness of customs and the desire to familiarize oneself with the accepted ways of doing things in other countries and cultures can only enhance one's life personally and professionally. And again, the primary way of accomplishing this task easily is to break bread. In other words, “learn to dine comfortably with others by becoming aware of universally accepted social behavior at the table.”

Without studying or reading about other cultures or ethnic backgrounds of someone you are going to be dining with, one must use common sense to guide him/herself through the awkward first phases of meeting and dining together. When teaching my younger students how to develop good social skills I tell them to “put your best foot forward.” What I am really saying is, “put the other person first.” Making someone feel special is the fastest way to making them feel comfortable with you.

The following are simple guidelines for doing just that when entertaining, hosting, attending a dinner party, a cocktail reception, or any other type of function where one is meeting new people or entertaining a special guest or guests…

Receiving Lines

Not just for wedding receptions, but any time someone of importance is being honored or when hosting a large affair where introductions need to be made or even when having a small affair at which there will be several guests, protocol dictates that a receiving line is in order. The host and/or hostess, as well as the guest/s of honor should be stationed as close to the door as possible so these necessary introductions can be made and put everyone at ease right from the start. 

If the host and hostess are also needed to tend bar or pass hors d'oeuvres, one can remain at the door to greet while the other handles the food and beverages. If there is just one host or hostess for the party, a guest can be asked ahead of time to help out with these duties, to leave the host/hostess free to make introductions and direct the guests as to where to put coats, find beverages, and such.

Formal introductions leave some people stumped in this day and age of equality of the sexes and the tremendous number of women holding impressive titles and ranks in companies that were uncommon occurrences just thirty years ago. Just as holding doors open for women remains the socially proper thing to do, formal introductions put women at the top of the list, right under heads of state and royalty, when it comes to importance. 

Here are the do’s and don’ts of formal introductions:

When making an introduction, present the woman to the man. The man then rises, if he is not already standing, and slightly lifts, or tips, his hat if he is wearing one. (Note: It is a show of good manners for a man to remove his hat while in a restaurant or in a private home while a woman is free to leave her hat on.) Example: “Bob, I would like you to meet my good friend, Laura.” or “Bob Jones, I would like to introduce Laura Smith to you.”

It is always a gesture of respect to present younger people to those older than them, those with higher rank, those with a level of great importance (the mayor, a senator, the guest of honor, the CEO) or someone of religious importance.

It is not necessary for women to rise when being introduced to another woman unless the other woman fits any of the criteria above or the woman is obviously older. A young girl is charming when she rises as she is introduced to someone's grandmother. A “thirty-something” woman is ill-mannered to rise in faux deference to another woman. obviously also “thirty-something” and who carries no higher title, rank, or level of prestige.

It is more than appropriate to introduce yourself to others at social gatherings if the host and hostess are too busy, however, it is still their responsibility to do so.

If someone offers his/her hand to shake when being introduced, it is proper to accept the handshake. Hugs, as well as kisses, do not have to be accepted. An invasion of someone's body space is a social intrusion that do not need to feel uncomfortable acceptance of. If someone you makes a move to hug you, or kiss you, politely move in another direction or distract the person as best you can.

Seating Arrangements

Seating arrangements are not as complex as people suspect. There is a simple formula for seating groups from as little as six to as large as your table will accommodate. For very large parties, with several tables, the head table is seated with those of the greatest level of importance along with the host and hostess. The remaining tables should be seated in the manner that puts people together with others who they will most likely be compatible with or find the most interesting.

The following is the formula for seating at a formal dinner party of four couples:

The host and hostess are seated at opposite ends of one another at the table. (The example shows a rectangular table, however, this formula will work at a round table also.) If the Guest of Honor is a woman, she is seated at the host's right and her husband at the hostess' right. The second most important woman is seated across from the Guest of Honor, to the host's left and her spouse on the hostess' left. The remaining male and female guests are seated in between, with the remaining female guest seated at the left of the second most important woman and the remaining male guest seated to the right of the female Guest of Honor.

To be fair, the word “important” can be relative to any given situation. If there is no “Guest of Honor” and the formal dinner is simply a get-together of friends, this seating arrangement works with a little creative thinking.

Taking the places of honor to the right of the host/hostess can be the newest members of a group, the eldest in a group or even the friends who have traveled the farthest distance to attend the dinner. If the dinner is a formal family dinner, places of honor would be given to those oldest and then descend by age for the rest of the seating.— From The RSVP Institute of Etiquette’s “Social Graces Handbook,” by Maura J. Graber, 1992

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

DC Newcomers and Precedence

Should there be an impasse of gentlemen from the original 13 states, the poor dinner-giver either goes down in a faint or digs up the last census figures and seats them according to state population. — Public domain image of the original US 13 colonies which became the original 13 states of the United States.

 Hostesses Get Headaches At Capital Dinners Over Seating of Guests by Rank

(Editor's Note: Tyrannically ruled by convention, official dinner tables in Washington are more than just a family eating center. Precedence of rank holds full sway when it comes to seating our own and foreign government officials. In his primer for congressional newcomers, Eddy Gilmore of the Associated Press Washington Bureau surveys the situation and adds a bit of advice.)

WASHINGTON. (AP) Lucky is the capital newcomer who escapes unscathed the barbed wires of convention surrounding an official dinner table.

Just to show how serious it is, diplomatic relations have been strained between great nations because a visiting Mayor slid in ahead of a Grand Duke in the march to the dining room.

New Senators and Representatives who are mapping big entertainment offensives should remember that it's not the domestic guests but the diplomats who pack the real social dynamite.

How They Rate

Assuming the President or a foreign Sovereign won't be at the party, here is a precedence list with a minimum of etiquette mortality:

• Foreign ambassadors.
• The Chief Justice.
• The Vice President.
• Speaker of the House.
• Supreme Court Justices.
• Secretary of State.
• Foreign Ministers.
• Cabinet Members.
• Senators.
• Representatives.

The list extends to the near infinity of state assemblymen, third secretaries and visiting firemen, but if the dinner is going to be done up that brown, it's time to start a flanking movement aimed at capturing chefs and waiters.

Headache for Hostess

As innocent as it looks, even a dinner confined to Senators can produce a bombardment of headaches for the hostess.

Here, as elsewhere, everything is based on length of service. But recent landslides have brought a lot of lawmakers to the capital together. Confronted with such a group, the hostess should seat her guests according to the admission of their respective states into the Union.

Should there be an impasse of gentlemen from the original 13 states, the poor dinner-giver either goes down in a faint or digs up the last census figures and seats them according to state population.

Maybe the new arrival ought to chuck the whole business and give a fish fry on the Potomac. — By Eddy Gilmore, SantaAna Journal, 1936

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wedding Etiquette for Repeat Brides

“Elizabeth Post would permit a white wedding dress on brides under 40 but no train, blusher veil or orange blossoms, which smack of virginity redux.” – Meghan Markles’s 2018 wedding veil would not have passed muster with Etiquipedia.

Etiquette Don’ts for Repeat of ‘I Do’s’ : Weddings: Should the bride wear white when tying the knot for the second or third time? Etiquette advisers say OK, but skip the blusher veil.

When it comes to I Do deja vu— and more than 800,000 American couples do annually, according to the Census Bureau— couples are often left in an etiquette lurch.

Most books and bridal magazines contain only a modicum of advice about “encore” engagements, the term used by professionals to avoid referring to his third wife or her eighth marriage. The bride and groom taking a second chance on marriage may be torn between what is considered proper— that is, if they can find the rules— and what they really want.

In “Emily Post on Second Weddings,” Elizabeth L. Post, Emily’s successor, writes, “Recently second weddings with all the fanfare of first weddings have become generally acceptable. Your decision depends more on what you are most comfortable doing than it is one of etiquette.”

There are a few dos and don’ts:

• Don’t mix orange blossoms and crow’s-feet.
• Don’t invite your son to a bawdy bachelor party.
• Do trick your uncooperative ex-spouse if necessary to get your children to your second wedding.

In “Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior,” author Judith Martin summarized in 1982 three basic types of altar events: the “Snicker-Proof Wedding,” in which everything is low- key; the “This Time We Know What’s What Wedding,” which is less formal and more fun; and the “I Got Cheated Last Time Wedding” for those who never had one with all the frills. Miss Manners recommends the second type.

In “Second Wedding Handbook,” New York free-lance writer Judith Slawson offers second thoughts on a second chance at happiness. Don’t try to redo your first wedding. Be flexible; suit yourselves.

One of the most frequently asked questions is whether the bride should wear white. The conventional attire for a repeat trip down the aisle is a pastel dress or suit with a hat, according to Miss Manners. But the attraction of a traditional wedding gown for the second-time bride is strong.

Elizabeth Post would permit a white wedding dress on brides under 40 but no train, blusher veil or orange blossoms, which smack of virginity redux. Slawson advises, “Wear a white wedding dress if you’re still fairly young” and childless. “If you had a large wedding the first time, think twice about white.” Her alternative suggestions include bright colors, secondhand clothes from the 1940s, Victorian dress or costumes.

Usually the bride and her mother plan a first wedding, whereas the second is up to the couple and their respective children. The bride and groom usually pay for the second wedding. Their parents may make a gift to them for part of it, but if they do a repeat on footing the entire bill, then all bets are off.

In a case where it is a second marriage for just one of the spouses, deference should be given to the one who has not been married.

The second time around, Slawson suggests, the mother of the bride could be given the role of hostess at the reception.

Instead of the bride’s father symbolically giving her away again, most consultants advise modifying the format. Post suggests having the bride’s children answer the ritual question.

There should be fewer attendants for a second ceremony, but they should include the children of both families. A grown son can serve as his father’s best man.

Post would bar any reference to the first marriage in the vows or toasts to avoid comparisons. But Slawson said touching on the past is permissible in a re-union, especially if one is widowed.

Gifts are not required at an encore wedding; that goes double for those who gave the first time. — Washington Post, 1992

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia