More Etiquette for Bachelor Travel

The subject of foreign travel also needs a few words as well as a bit of general advice. English customs and our own are so much alike that it would be strange, indeed, if an American could not get along in the land where his own tongue is spoken. One of the first difficulties which once beset traveling Americans in London was the regulation in theaters that the audience, or that part of it occupying the best stalls, should be in evening dress. 

When traveling with a lady, always carry her bag and assist her in and out of the trains. Your behavior is on its mettle under these circumstances, and traveling is very apt to be like a mustard plaster, bringing out both the good and evil attributes of a man.

The subject of foreign travel also needs a few words as well as a bit of general advice. English customs and our own are so much alike that it would be strange, indeed, if an American could not get along in the land where his own tongue is spoken. One of the first difficulties which once beset traveling Americans in London was the regulation in theaters that the audience, or that part of it occupying the best stalls, should be in evening dress. As evening dress is now also the rule in New York, this quandary is a thing of the past. Programmes at many of the English theaters are now free, where some years ago it was customary to sell bills of the play for sixpence.

The feeing of servants at hotels, however, continues, and we yet have the charge on hotel bills for service. You are expected to give something to the hall porter, to your waiter, to the boots, and to the chambermaid. The amount of these fees differs according to the length of your stay. I should say a half crown to the porter and less sums to the others.

In London a shilling a mile is the accepted price for cabs within a certain metropolitan radius called the "circle." "Thrupence" or sixpence extra is the tip "to drink your health."

Afternoon dress is the correct attire for the park after midday, and cabs and hansoms are not seen on the Row during riding and driving hours.

In Paris you may wear a blue blouse and make the turn of the Bois in a fiacre. The tariff there is two francs an hour, or two francs fifty per course, from one place to another. The pourboire is fifty centimes.

In France the pourboire is a veritable tax, as it is in Italy and in the Latin countries. In Germany the mark is equal to about twenty-five cents of our money, and it will go a long way. Ten marks will fee a houseful of servants.

At the station in Paris fifty centimes is given to the porter. The "commissionnaire" at the hotel expects fifty centimes. Waiters' pourboires are eighty-five centimes at breakfast, and at dinner a franc. In a café they are twenty-five centimes.

The woman at the theater who puts a footstool under your feet expects one franc, and at many of the playhouses she must be feed for a reserved seat.

In Paris the orchestra stalls are occupied only by men. At the opera during the season evening dress in the boxes and stalls is, of course, de rigueur. At the Comédie Française on Tuesdays and at the Odéon on Thursdays you must be in evening dress in order to gain admittance.

Chairs are sold in Paris at the Catholic churches, and in both the London and Paris parks seats can be hired for a few pennies or sous.

In Paris omnibuses only the seating capacity is allowed. When the omnibus is full, a sign, "Complet," is fastened on the outside.

At the gates of each small town in France the octroi, or impost, levies on articles of food brought in, and the customhouse in England seizes all American reprints of English books. There, as well as in France, spirits and tobacco are dutiable.

It is only civil to bow when passing the Prince of Wales or members of the royal family. In Paris every hat is removed when a hearse passes, as also in Italy. In Germany the hat is removed when the emperor passes.

Passports are necessary for Russian and Eastern travel.

All large functions on the Continent, no matter what time of the day they occur, demand evening dress. In Paris the bridegroom at a wedding in the afternoon wears evening dress, as well as the chief male mourner at a funeral, but the others present do not. This does not apply to groomsmen and honorary pallbearers, who are in evening dress. In Germany, Austria, and Italy, wherever royalty appears, evening dress is necessary. At the audiences granted by the Pope all men must be in evening dress, and the women in dark gowns and veils.

The Queen of England, the Princess of Wales, and all other female members of the royal family are addressed as "Ma'am"; the Prince of Wales and the male members as "Sir," and never, except by tradesmen, as "Your Royal Highness."

The English dukes are addressed simply as "Duke" and not as "Your Grace"; a marquis is "Lord" and a marchioness "Lady." Younger sons of dukes should be spoken of as lord. A French duke and duchess are addressed as "Monsieur" and "Madame." In Germany one drops the Von when addressing a nobleman who has that title, but when you write to him you must give him his full credentials.

A foreign bishop is always addressed as "My Lord" and a cardinal as "Your Eminence."

The etiquette at a house where the Prince of Wales or a member of the royal family in England visits is rigorous, and on the Continent, when royalty is present, it is even more severe. The prince is never addressed unless he speaks to you. He alone has the privilege of changing the subject of conversation, and all plans for the day's recreation are submitted to him.

These observations are, of course, very general, but the average American to-day is at home in Europe. He should only remember the old adage to do in Rome as the Romans do, and he will not be much embarrassed by foreign customs and habits. — From “The Complete Bachelor: Manners for Men, by Walter Germain, 1896

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for the Traveling Bachelor

It is customary on leaving a ship to give gratuities to servants. To the cabin steward on English ships, ten shillings, the head steward ten shillings, and your waiter ten shillings. On others, for a six days' voyage, a fee equal to two dollars should be given to your waiter and your cabin steward and to the head steward.

A BACHELOR'S TRAVELS ONBOARD and ABROAD

To seem entirely at one's ease is the best maxim I can give for traveling. You can not actually pretend to experience that which may be totally lacking, but by making yourself comfortable you will increase the pleasure of others. There is, in these days of luxurious traveling, but little occasion to be flurried, and no excuse whatever for not being as well dressed as you are calm and self-possessed. Dress means a great deal, and if you have not a servant with you it will simply require a little care at the commencement to insure your entire freedom from all annoyance.

As I have already observed in a previous chapter, in a long journey it would be better to take more than one trunk, but even if you have but the one you should carry also a bag with your toilet articles. A dressing bag is most requisite, and if you can not afford this you could have an ordinary bag, or even a "dress suit" case, fitted up with the necessary appliances of the toilet. These, it is almost absurd to state, consist of your razors, tooth and nail brushes, combs and hairbrushes, individual soap, and a few small vials of very useful physic, such as Jamaica ginger, Pond's extract, liver pills, cologne, and, if you do not carry it in your pocket, a brandy flask. There are times when this is absolutely necessary. 

In my dressing bag, if possible, I would take my pyjamas, so as to be perfectly equipped for the night, in case, at the end of my journey, I could not get at my trunk. Overcoats, waterproof coat, umbrellas, walking sticks, etc., should be carried in a shawl strap, where you could also have a novel or so, or a budget of interesting newspapers or magazines. For short railway or steamer journeys, the best dress is the ordinary lounge or morning sack suit, with a soft felt or Hombourg hat. 

Gloves are necessary. Tan or gray suede is the most correct. In winter an ulster should be worn. Select for sea or for ocean voyages the warmest lounge suit you have, or, if you feel more disposed, a warm tweed knickerbocker suit, such as you wear for golf. I think it is a good principle to put on your old clothes at sea. Only very vulgar people dress for this occasion. For late dinner on the ship I would have a black cutaway coat and a light tie. I believe men must change their clothes before dinner at all places and under all circumstances. Russet shoes are worn.

Do not hurry. Have your tickets purchased in time, and arrive at a train so that you will have fully five minutes in which to check your luggage.

On an ocean voyage, if the ship is going to leave at an early hour in the morning, go on board the night before. Farewell suppers are like greetings in tugboats and other vulgar celebrations, the meed of the second-class politician. Arrange with your banker for letters of credit, and take with you just sufficient small change to carry you comfortably and pay your little expenses, with one note of a larger denomination in case of accident. Do not get your money changed on the ship. It is effected at a very high rate of discount. Thus on English ships—the Cunard, White Star, Anchor, and Allan lines—English currency is used. The Hamburg and the North German Lloyd employ German, and the Transatlantique, French. 

Your steamer trunk and your bag and shawl strap should be placed in the cabin with you. Steamer chairs, in these days, can be hired. Do not carry one around with you. It is a nuisance. On the ocean steamers the steward will attend to your little wants, and prepare your bath for you in the morning, for which there is a fee, I think, of twenty-five cents a day. It is customary on leaving a ship to give gratuities to servants. To the cabin steward on English ships, ten shillings, the head steward ten shillings, and your waiter ten shillings. On others, for a six days' voyage, a fee equal to two dollars should be given to your waiter and your cabin steward and to the head steward. Servants abroad are feed on a regular tariff, which you will find in the guidebooks. In this country the drawing-car fiend expects twenty-five cents for a day's journey; fifty cents to a dollar for longer and more extended service. At American hotels the waiters are tipped when you leave, and a small gratuity given to chambermaids.

Courtesy, especially to women, is the one thing expected from every gentleman who travels, and if you can assist any one in distress by advice or by help of any kind do so, particularly if it is an unprotected woman. But be very guarded in making new acquaintances. Such as are picked up on the steamer, for instance, can be dropped as soon as you land. Beware of the cardroom and the poker sharps who travel on the great liners. Make it a rule, if you will play for money, never to do so with strangers.

When traveling with a lady, always carry her bag and assist her in and out of the trains. Your behavior is on its mettle under these circumstances, and traveling is very apt to be like a mustard plaster, bringing out both the good and evil attributes of a man.— From “The Complete Bachelor: Manners for Men, by Walter Germain, 1896

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Kazakhstan’s “Kurt”

“Kurt is the strength of a person; dairy is the wealth of the nation” — Old Kazakh saying

Kurt: The Misunderstood Kazakh Specialty

Since childhood, I have loved the days when my mother came home with kurt from the aul (the traditional Kazakh countryside village). Those small round salty balls were the greatest delicacy I knew. Wherever I travelled in later years, I carried some with me whenever I could, and I would offer them to people who had never heard of such a thing. Almost always, the same question came back and it never stopped surprising me: why is it salty?

The question is a fair one, and its answer is the whole story. People expect kurt to behave like the food it resembles. It doesn't. Its name is kurt (құрт), it is one of the oldest foods still eaten in Central Asia, and, despite what nearly everyone calls it, it is not cheese.

For the people of the steppe it was never merely food. It was survival made portable: milk transformed into something that would not spoil, would not rot, and could be carried across a winter or a thousand kilometres of open country.

A sack of curd in a frozen tomb

In 1947, archaeologists excavating the frozen Pazyryk burial mounds in the Altai are said to have found a bag of cheese-like curd, left as an offering to the dead more than 2,500 years ago — most likely, if so, an ancestor of kurt. Chinese chronicles describe steppe nomads making fermented milk and dried curds as early as the first millennium BC. For herders who moved with the seasons this was less a recipe than a technology: an answer to the hard question of how to keep summer's abundance alive through a killing continental winter.

The secret in the milk

It all began with a starter culture — the most closely guarded thing in the dairy. Families kept dependable cultured milks for the purpose, but they also improvised, dropping silver rings, old coins, soot, or melon seeds into warm milk: no magic, only the wild microbes clinging to them, enough to begin the souring. A reliable ferment was inherited and quietly famous. In every aul, people knew which household kept the most trustworthy one, and came asking for a portion when their own failed.

Boiled down, wrung by hand: Shapes and traditional techniques

From fermented milk the herders churned butter, then simmered what remained over a low fire until it thickened, and hung it in cloth bags to let the whey drip away. What stayed behind was a dense, tart curd (süzbe), the raw material of Kurt.

Once this curd was obtained, the shaping began. The form depended on its purpose, on local tradition, and on the density of the mass:
• Syqpa (сықпа): wrung in a closed fist (from sygu, "to squeeze"), it kept the maker's fingerprints on its surface — eaten soft, or only lightly dried.
• Döñgelek (дөңгелек): rolled by hand into spheres that dried hard, ideal for storage in sacks through the winter.
• Jarma (жарма): the curd spread in a wide bowl to dry, its crust broken off in layers as it formed (from zharu, "to break off") — a slow, layered drying.
• Irregular pieces: small, shapeless fragments made in haste, meant to be dissolved quickly in hot liquids.

The drying was done under open sun on flat wooden platters (tabaq), reed mats (öreshi), or drying racks (öre, söre). It was often shared work among the women of a family or village — a task that doubled as a school of craft, passing technique quietly from one generation to the next.

Which shape a household made depended, above all, on when it was for. The hard round and layered kinds — döñgelek and jarma — were winter kurt: dried for long keeping and eaten through the cold months, dropped into sorpa or köje (a grain broth). Soft syqpa was tea kurt, made fresh or only lightly dried and taken in any season.

The opposite of cheese

Here is why the salty little ball is not what it seems. Cheese is made by curdling milk and letting it ripen; ageing is the point. Kurt is made the other way — by long boiling, salting, and solar drying. It does not ripen. It simply endures.

It was treated as a remedy, good for the stomach. Kurt, rich in calcium, boosts metabolism and strengthens bone tissue, which is why its regular consumption is believed to reduce the risk of osteoporosis. Furthermore, calcium plays a key role in collagen synthesis, making Kurt a natural aid in fighting skin aging.

What a machine changed

The kurt of a century ago tasted different, and the reason is a machine. From the 1920s, cream separators stripped the milk of its fat, and kurt made from skimmed milk came out harder, darker, and faintly bitter — more winter reserve than pleasure. Older still was the milk itself: before the twentieth century Kazakh dairying rested largely on sheep's milk, far fattier than cow's, which made a softer, richer kurt prized above the rest.

Etiquette for Eating Kurt

Kurt’s versatility shows in how it is eaten and how it is served. 

• It can be eaten 3 ways. Kurt can be chewed like a hard cracker, or held in the cheek and dissolved slowly like a sweet — the simplest and most common way. 
• Kurt can be  reconstituted: by dropping a few balls or fragments into hot water or, better, meat broth (sorpa); within minutes the kurt softened into a thick, warming, sour-milk drink that restored strength and could even stand in for tea, 
• And Kurt can be eaten as a seasoning: crumbled dry into soups and stews, a natural enhancer that lends a savoury saltiness and a pleasant tang.
• Tradition governs when Kurt appears at a proper meal. It is almost never a course of its own, but enters at set moments. At the tea table (dastarkhan): soft or lightly dried syqpa kurt is set out in bowls with baursaks (fried dough), sweets, and hot tea — an informal, savoury note among the sweet. With the closing broth: once the main dish of meat (beshbarmak) is done, guests are served bowls of hot sorpa, and Kurt goes in - but hospitality and etiquette forbids dropping a hard whole ball into a guest's bowl; it is first softened into a smooth paste to be spooned in, or finely crumbled, so each guest can adjust the salt and tang of their own broth.
• As a finger food, Kurt on a shared platter, is always taken with one’s right hand

What remains

In modern times, Kurt has lost its old role as a critical winter survival reserve. Today, local producers and restaurants often rely on a single, standardized type of Kurt for all dishes, yet they experiment with its form, textures, and pairings, adapting this ancient staple for tourism and contemporary fine dining.

Yet it has not left the culture — Kurt has become something more: a marker of identity, a taste that still carries the memory of the steppe. That, more than nutrition, may be its truest value now. It is also, I think, why I still travel with a handful of these salty white spheres in my bag.

                                                  

Contributor, Liliya Badayeva  is an Etiquette Consultant and Specialist was born in Turkestan, the sacred historical city of Kazakhstan. She graduated from the prestigious British etiquette school The English Manner under the Train the Trainer program, and also trained under leading Russian, Swiss, and French etiquette authorities. L

iliya brings a wealth of practical experience gained while working with international companies in both the UK and Kazakhstan. She consults on refined manners and executive presence, and is a guest columnist for the Kazakhstani business publication Business World (Бизнес Мир). She shares her insights on her Instagram page (@liliya_noblemanners) and her Telegram channel (Noble Manners / Благородные Манеры).

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Thoughts on Introduction Etiquette

An introduction is more than good manners — it's an invitation to belong.

When did it become acceptable to stop introducing people? 

Have you ever been with someone who greeted everyone they knew, but never introduced you to any of them? Sadly, we have all been there.

A thoughtful introduction can turn an awkward moment into a welcoming one. It tells someone they belong, not that they're standing on the outside looking in. It shows respect for others when we make introductions.
No matter where you are in the world, respect often begins with a simple greeting. “Hello.” “Hola.” “Bonjour.” “Jambo”… Different words. Same message: "I see you."
Modern etiquette isn't always about table settings or dress codes. Sometimes it's simply saying “hello,” making the introduction, and making sure no one feels invisible.
An introduction isn't just good manners— it's an invitation to belong.

A Review of Introduction Etiquette 

• Always introduce men to a women.
• When introducing two men or two women, always introduce the younger to the older.
• Say “I would like to present… ” Or “I’d like you to meet...”
• Use proper titles whenever you know them, such as Miss, Mr., Mrs. or professional designations such as Doctor, Judge, or Captain.
• Shake hands with a man. With a woman, shake hands only if she first offers her hand first.
• Always stand up to be introduced, or to make introductions.
• Look directly at the person you are being introduced to. Be polite and friendly with your eye contact.
• Say “How do you do…” after being introduced.
• Speak names clearly. Repeat them if asked.
• If you are being introduced and didn’t understand the another person’s name, ask the person making the introduction to repeat the name.

Meet our newest contributor, Eileen Copeland. Eileen is the founder of Southern California Etiquette™, a modern etiquette and social refinement platform which explores dining culture, hosting, presentation, and contemporary social behavior. A native Southern Californian, Eileen’s background includes executive and personal assisting, real estate, wellness, modeling, beauty, and luxury client services. Married for over 15 years, Eileen is a mother of two and grandmother of two, whose broad experiences, including living internationally for nearly a decade, helped shape her appreciation for culture, hospitality, and refined living. She shares life with her husband, her mini Goldendoodle, Teddy, and Luna, her sphynx cat, while continuing her etiquette studies under mentor Maura Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette.

 

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Customs of Kazakhstan

If at some time “the five-finger dish” is offered to you as a quaint, charming fact, receive it warmly—and hold it lightly. Its name is a keepsake of a long conversation between cultures; its heart is something older and simpler. The true subject of this dish was never the fingers, and never just the meat. It was the oldest of good manners there are: to feed a guest with your own hands—and to receive that gift exactly as it was meant.

Lost in Translation: How Great Steppe Hospitality Became “Five Fingers”

If you ever decide to explore the culture of Central Asia and Kazakhstan per se, the very first culinary term you will encounter is beshbarmak. Popular travel guides will invariably explain that this famous celebratory dish consists of tender boiled meat - usually lamb, horse, or beef - served over wide, thin sheets of rolled dough. They will also tell you that the name itself literally translates to “five fingers,” because it is traditionally eaten with the hands.

This version of the story feels so ancient and logical that it is rarely questioned. But it should be. The true history of this word is not a story about a recipe, but a fascinating narrative of cultural collision, translation errors, and the imperial gaze on unfamiliar etiquette.

The Linguistic Myth: A View from Within and Without

By diving into Russian archives, historian Aliya Bolatkhan uncovered an unexpected truth: the word “beshbarmak” was not born on the steppe.

In the Kazakh language, the literal phrase for “five fingers” is “bes sausak” not “bes barmak,” and it has never been used as the name of a dish. For centuries, nomads referred to their ultimate culinary centerpiece with ultimate simplicity: et (meat) or as (food). Linguist Anar Fazylzhanova notes that even today, in authentic cultural settings, people say et asaiyq (let us cook meat) or ettinnany (the dough for the meat). No one born on the steppe would naturally say “the broth for the beshbarmak.”

The word “beshbarmak” came from the outside.

The Orenburg Frontier: How Names Are Invented

Most of the earliest mentions of this term date back to the 18th and 19th centuries and lead to Orenburg—an imperial fortress city that served as Russia’s “gateway to Asia.” It was a crowded contact zone where Tsarist officials and Kazakh elites negotiated, signed treaties, and, above all, shared meals.

When a language barrier stands between people, they name what they can see. To the eyes of foreign onlookers, the most striking and exotic gesture at the table was the way the nomads ate meat with their hands.

When the traveler John Castle visited the steppe in the 1730s, his hosts, trying to please their guest, promised to treat him to a “Russian dish.” Instead, they served him finely chopped horsemeat with a bit of salt. Castle simply wrote down the word phonetically, as best he could, based on how the interpreters (tolmaches) tried to explain the process. What outsiders filed away as the name of a “cuisine” was, in reality, a description of table manners.

The Ultimate Lesson of Steppe Etiquette: More Than Food

For anyone studying global traditions, the story of beshbarmak is a perfect illustration of how easily a superficial glance can miss a profound cultural truth.

Steppe etiquette is incredibly complex and deep. It strictly regulates everything: from where a guest is seated in the yurt (the round, felt-covered tent that served as a nomad’s home) to which specific cut of meat they are served. Yet, an outsider, lacking knowledge of these nuances, focused entirely on the fingers. In doing so, they completely missed the core cultural codes:

The Ritual of “Asatu.” Genuine beshbarmak is not merely a way to satisfy hunger. The highest manifestation of respect on the steppe was a gesture where the host would use their own hand to feed the most honored guest the finest, juiciest pieces of meat. This was the wordless grammar of trust, welcome, and protection.

The Myth of Abundance. Foreigners only encountered the steppe during grand feasts, receptions, and ceremonial dinners laid on for envoys, leading them to believe that nomads ate mountains of meat every day. In reality, daily life was far more sparing, and fresh meat was a seasonal luxury. Even the dough, which today seems inseparable from the platter, only arrived in the 19th century with the development of the grain trade.

The Gift Beneath the Name

Over time, this traveler’s word made its own journey—from frontier notebooks into dictionaries, and from there into everyday speech. Names wander like that, and there is a certain grace in it: today beshbarmak is a word warmly shared across many tables—Kazakh, Kyrgyz, Bashkir, Tatar, Turkmen—each with its own cherished version of the dish.

Yet a borrowed name can quietly leave out the very thing that matters most. It remembers the gesture—the five fingers—but not the meaning within it: the care of a host who honors a guest by feeding them from their own hand, the place of honor kept for the most respected visitor, the wordless language of welcome that a shared meal has always spoken on the steppe.

So the next time “the five-finger dish” is offered to you as a quaint, charming fact, receive it warmly—and hold it lightly. Its name is a keepsake of a long conversation between cultures; its heart is something older and simpler. The true subject of this dish was never the fingers, and never just the meat. It was the oldest of good manners there are: to feed a guest with your own hands—and to receive that gift exactly as it was meant.

                                                  

Meet our newest contributor, Liliya Badayeva . Liliya, an Etiquette Consultant and Specialist was born in Turkestan, the sacred historical city of Kazakhstan. She graduated from the prestigious British etiquette school The English Manner under the Train the Trainer program, and also trained under leading Russian, Swiss, and French etiquette authorities. L

iliya brings a wealth of practical experience gained while working with international companies in both the UK and Kazakhstan. She consults on refined manners and executive presence, and is a guest columnist for the Kazakhstani business publication Business World (Бизнес Мир). She shares her insights on her Instagram page (@liliya_noblemanners) and her Telegram channel (Noble Manners / Благородные Манеры).

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Late 19th C. British Luncheon Etiquette

“The American fashion of ladies' luncheons is beginning to be adopted in this country, but not at all in the extremely elaborate fashion in which they are carried out in the States. Sometimes, even, the daylight is shut out and the dining-room illuminated as at dinner.”— An American ladies’ luncheon table of 1900.  — Photo source, Etiquipedia’s private library 

Luncheons of 1900

Luncheon is usually an informal meal, but circumstances may invest it with some amount of importance. The invitations may then possibly be framed in the third person, but as a rule they are written in the first.

Dear Mr. So-and-so, Will you give us the pleasure of lunching with us on Thursday at 2 o'clock,

Very truly yours,

Regina Roe

or:

Dear Mr. Dash, Will you lunch with us at Claridge's on Thursday? The Nonpareils will be of our party and I am asking our mutual friend, Miss Such-and-such.

Luncheon at a restaurant affords an easy way of entertaining one's acquaintance, but it is not regarded as nearly so great a compliment as an invitation to dinner, whether at a restaurant or at one's own home. London hostesses find it a useful mode of acknowledging some obligation they may have incurred. Some houses make luncheon a sort of general at-home hour for friends and acquaintance. "I am always at home at 1.30," a lady will say, and will expect her friends to take her at her word, and lunch in this very informal way two or three times in the season. 

But it is as well to be chary of turning up too frequently. Refrain in such circumstances as these. A general invitation has long had the character of being no invitation at all. Either it means nothing, or it means too much. In the latter case, the luncheon-table may be very crowded on the very day one turns up in response to repeated invitations. This is uncomfortable all round, but more particularly for the guest. Hostesses who ladle out their invitations are presumably indifferent to the scramble that ensues for seats at their lunch-tables on some days.

There are men in London society who have an unenviable reputation as "cadging" for lunch invitations, and one very good-natured are called "paupers' free meals" on account of the number of very hungry young men who assemble at them. The system of cadging for meals is not unknown in the country, as many a provincial hostess can testify. 

The man who calls at half-past twelve or so lays himself open to this insinuation. Any one who wishes to avoid it must be very careful not to make a call at any house within an hour of the usual meal time. Tea is the exception, but tea can scarcely be called a meal. Every one on visiting terms is expected to have tea at any time between 4 p.m. and 6 p.m. There is no compliment of hospitality involved in this.

The lunch party does not leave the drawing-room in pairs, as for dinner. The hostess sometimes says to a friend who of knows the house well: "Will you lead the way with Mrs. Dash?" If there are gentlemen present, they follow the ladies to the dining-room, unless specially asked by the hostess to take the ladies down.

The American fashion of ladies' luncheons is beginning to be adopted in this country, but not at all in the extremely elaborate fashion in which they are carried out in the States. Sometimes, even, the daylight is shut out and the dining-room illuminated as at dinner. The toilettes of the ladies are also more like dinner dresses than those usually worn in the afternoon. Here, with us, ordinary afternoon dress is the rule for ladies. In town, in at the season, a man is expected to Luncheons wear either a frockcoat or a cut-away black coat. If he has been regularly invited to lunch he leaves his hat and stick in the hall. In the country, a man wears a country suit, or riding dress if he has ridden from his own home to his hostess' house.

All the guests are shown into the drawing-room, where the hostess receives them. They retain their hats and, in winter, leave furs or heavy wraps in the hall or dining-room. Gloves are usually removed and when sitting down to table. The hostess may or may not have hat or bonnet on. If she has just come in from shopping or driving, she very probably will be in outdoor dress. At a very formal luncheon, however, she will be in indoor dress; since outdoor costume might be interpreted as having reference to some intention of going out immediately after, and would be considered as a hint to her guests to leave early.

The routine of the meal is very simple. When the table is laid, all cold dishes are placed upon it, so as to have the service simplified as much as possible. One of the charms of lunch is that the servants are not in the room after the sweets have been brought in and handed round. In some houses, when the meal is a very elaborate one, the servants remain to hand fruit or ices, but the general custom is for them to leave the room and shut the door, having left everything ready in the shape of plates, knives, forks, spoons, etc...

The meal is never expected to be a very elaborate one. Soup or fish may precede a joint or an entrée, or a dish of game. The joint is getting quite unfashionable among the smart. Rather small chicken pies or dishes of a French character are more acceptable than anything heavy or solid. Where the ménage is of an She understands the great importance of careful training in nice ways of eating, drinking, and general behaviour. —From Eliza Lavin’s, “Etiquette for Every Day,” 1900

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Bachelors’ Household Staffs

Many bachelors hire some middle-aged woman who not only does the cooking, but takes care of the apartment, valets him, and waits at table when he has guests to dinner. Others employ a man to look after them, who is valet and general factotum, and others again, with larger establishments, a man and wife. The former does the valeting, the waiting, and is steward and butler, while the woman attends to the cooking and laundry. 

A BACHELOR'S SERVANTS

Particular servants hired by a bachelor:

The groom is, with the exception of the general servant, the first domestic likely to be in the employ of an unmarried man of moderate means. When a bachelor becomes a horse owner he can never be too particular about his turnouts and his liveries. The groom in the city or at a fashionable watering place should have two liveries—one for dress occasions and the other for what is known as a "stable suit." The latter, which is a simple English tweed or whipcord, made with a cutaway coat of the same material, will answer perfectly well for the country, where it is ridiculous to have elaborate liveries. A square brown Derby is worn with this suit, brown English driving gloves, and a white plastron or coachman's scarf. This flat scarf is the badge of distinction between the house and stable servant. No tie pin nor trinkets of any description should be allowed servants. 

The best dress livery is a frock coat, single-breasted, of kersey, the color of your livery; white buckskin riding breeches, top boots, top hat, white plastron, standing collar, and brown driving gloves. One distinctive color should be used, not only for your liveries but also for your traps, as well as one kind of harness. The cockade on the hat is the privilege abroad of ambassadors; it is bad form. Besides the care of your horse or horses, your groom must be a species of outside general servant, ready to go on errands or attend to the numerous duties of a manservant about a country place. By no means can he be substituted for a valet, a butler, or an indoor servant. When he brings your trap to the door he holds the animals' heads until you are seated, when he touches his hat and lets go the reins. If he is to sit behind in the trap he must hold himself upright with folded arms. He alights immediately the trap is stopped, running all errands, and holding the horses until the drive is resumed. 

He sometimes accompanies his master when the latter rides. He brings his horse to the door and holds it until the mount. He follows, occasionally, on another horse at a respectful distance. Should you be wealthy enough to have also a coachman, your groom can act as second man on the box. A coachman's dress livery consists of a double-breasted long coachman's coat, top boots, and buckskin breeches, white flat plastron, high collar and top hat, and brown driving gloves. When both servants are employed the groom is under the orders of the coachman as regards the stable work.

The Valet.—Of course a valet is a luxury. A man can valet himself very easily, and if the instructions given in the chapters on the Care of Clothes and The Toilet are followed carefully, I hardly think that you would need such a personage. A woman can be perfectly trained to valet a man. Your general servant can also, and is required to fill this position. If you live at a club the club valet will attend to your clothes, and perform the duties of a private servant. There are "valeting companies" organized in many large cities, which take entire charge of your wardrobe, and again there are valets who are hired by several men clubbing together, and who are very capable servants. The individual valet, however, is a very valuable aid to a young bachelor of wealth, especially if he is a man of leisure, or if he goes out a great deal in society. A valet's duties are first and principally the entire charge of his master's wardrobe and toilet, the details of which have been given in previous chapters. They begin an hour or so before the master rises, when clothes are to be pressed and put in order, boots and shoes to be polished and placed on their trees, and the costume of the day to be made ready. If possible, a small room is provided for him as his workshop.

At the hour for rising, the valet enters his master's room very quietly, and, if he is awake, pulls up the shades and lets in the daylight. The bath is then prepared, and while that is being taken the newspapers, mail, and breakfast tray are brought in, and the valet waits for orders. Some men require their valets to shave them, but the majority simply intrust the care of their razors to them, preferring to perform that operation themselves. The valet assists his master in dressing, and, when the toilet is finished, ties or buttons the boots, arranges the spats, and gives a final brush to the clothes. He then fetches the stick, gloves, and hat. During the day he may be employed on errands, in answering tradespeople, in paying bills, or in any minor occupations of that kind. A first-class servant of this character should not only be steward but secretary. When writing letters for his master he should write them in the third person, and also sign them "Respectfully yours, John Smith, valet."

A valet is told of the engagements of the day, and has the clothes arranged accordingly, and he must be at his post. In the evening the dress suit is laid out, with choice of ties and two coats, the formal and informal, or Tuxedo. A valet must be at the rooms when his master retires. In traveling he takes care of the luggage, tickets, and all the little annoying details. He travels second class abroad, and in this country he should never be allowed to be a passenger in a drawing-room car with his master. The valet wears no livery. He dresses quietly in a plain sack suit of dark material, and wears a Derby hat. Should he be required to wait on table, he dresses in semi-livery if the affair is a luncheon, and in evening dress if it is a dinner.

The butler is a very rare functionary in a bachelor's establishment, only the wealthiest being able to afford him. The valet or general servant acts as butler, and when in this position he should always have a black coat on when answering the bell.

I have used the terms throughout this chapter of "master" and "servant." Employer and employee are correct only when the relations between the two persons are not of a domestic character.

The most fashionable and efficient menservants are of English, Scotch, or Irish birth or descent. Japanese make excellent valets. Colored coachmen and grooms are not the vogue in New York or vicinity, but they are seen in the South. Very wealthy bachelors have introduced a fad for East Indian servants, but at present only a few of these have been employed, and those at Newport. — From “The Complete Bachelor: Manners for Men, by Walter Germain, 1896

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Protector of Hospitality

The Greek god Zeus: 

 
Abusing a defenseless stranger is disgraceful. Strangers are especially protected by the gods in many cultures; In ancient Greece, Zeus himself is called Xenios, Protector of Hospitality 

Hospitality in Homer’s Time

Hospitality in Homer’s time was well shown through long travels such as Odysseus' in The Odyssey as well as the guest-friend relationship, known as xenia. There are many possible reasons why hospitality was more prevalent in those times. Traveling in Homer’s time was much more extensive and lengthier than in modern times. The less advanced methods of transportation used in Homeric times, such as by boat or by foot, were much slower than modern forms of transportation. Because of this, many more nights were spent away from home in many different locations. Also, there were not hotels or inns where travelers could pay and stay the night. Even if there were, travelers probably could not afford to pay for every night they were gone. Because of this, travelers had to rely on the hospitality of others for shelter, food, and protection. There was, however, some payment for this hospitality in the form of a gift exchange. 

Another possible reason for this hospitality was the fact that there were not nations that would allow travelers to enter their territory safely. Without such hospitality, strangers could be captured or even killed for entering a foreign land. The Greek guest-friendship xenia may have been formed from this. Xenia is the Greek relationship between two people from different regions. This allowed for the members of the relationship to safely travel into the other member’s territory and receive a place to stay and something to eat. Another possible explanation for the amount of hospitality shown is that the Greeks believed the gods wanted them to show hospitality to anyone who showed up at their homes. It was also believed that turning away someone and not providing them this hospitality would result in some form of punishment from the gods. Finally, hospitality could have been used to spread ones name and bring them a sense of fame if they would provide a high standard of hospitality to strangers. 

It also could have been a way to show how wealthy one was. These can be shown from this quote from The Odyssey: “Come, friend, and give me something; for you seem to be no lowly man among the Greeks, but their most noble lord - indeed a chief. So you should offer more than others can - I’d make you famous then in endless lands. I, too, was once a man of means; my house was rich; I often gave to vagabonds, whoever they might be, who came in need”. 

Is hospitality as customary now as it was in Homer’s time, and if not, why? It seems as though modern people do show hospitality towards others, but in a different way than those in Homeric times. It is not custom anymore to provide food, protection, and shelter to a stranger that arrives at someone’s door. This could be because there are hotels and restaurants almost anywhere one can go. There is no need to for someone to ask for these. 

Also, protection is not a large concern for most travelers, especially in the United States. Hospitality is still shown, however, in modern society. For example, when someone’s car breaks down most people would welcome them into their homes and help them in any way they can without even asking who they are. Also, most people know of someone, be it family or friend, in a different city that would welcome them and provide them with a place to stay and food, which is similar to the xenia in Homer’s time. Although the hospitality customs of Homer’s time are not still around, there are similarities to them and hospitality is still visible. — From About Ancient History, For more read: Etiquette and Roots of Hospitality 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia