Gilded Age Decorum and Etiquette

Much has been said respecting bad servants, and there are a great many bad ones amongst the numerous class; but it is more their misfortune than their fault: they are for the most part taken from a class of society who do not attend properly to the training of their children, and are placed too frequently with those who pay no attention to their comfort.

IT would be difficult to express the sense of etiquette on this subject better than by quoting Lord Chesterfield's words: "I am more upon my guard," he writes, "as to my behavior to my servants and to others who are called my inferiors than I am towards my equals, for fear of being suspected of that mean and ungenerous sentiment of desiring to make others feel that difference which fortune has, and perhaps too undeservedly, made between us."

Much has been said respecting bad servants, and there are a great many bad ones amongst the numerous class; but it is more their misfortune than their fault: they are for the most part taken from a class of society who do not attend properly to the training of their children, and are placed too frequently with those who pay no attention to their comfort.

Treat your servants always with kindness but at the same time with firm respect for yourself; on no account be familiar with them, neither hear their tattle, nor tattle with them, and you will have at least a chance of sometimes making them attentive, zealous, and grateful, and of having your services performed with order and alacrity.

Do not scold your servants; you had better turn them away at once. When they need reproof, give them it in a calm, dignified and firm manner; but on no account, if you can possibly avoid it, find fault with them in the presence of strangers, even though they should let fall the tray with your best set of china upon it.

The ton of the mistress of a house is often affected, if not measured, by that of her servants; take care, therefore, to make them civil and polite-teach them to assist your visitors in putting off and on their over- coats, cloaks, &c. and let them always be ready to open the door when your guests arrive or depart.

Accustom your servants never to appear before you too slatternly or too finely dressed; never allow them to enter into conversation with each other in your presence, nor to answer you by signs or coarse terms. 

If you have only one servant, talk of her by her Christian name; if you have more, talk of them by the names of their offices, such as nurse, cook, housemaid, butler, footman, but always address them by their Christian names.

Although you must avoid all familiar confidential conversation, never speak to your servants with hauteur nor harshness.Never entertain your visitors with any narrative of your servants' improprieties. Give no occasion for them to complain of you; but never suffer yourself to complain of them with- out first ascertaining that your complaint is just, see- ing that it has attention, and that the fault complained of is remedied.

Beware of giving servants the inch; there is no class so prone, under such circumstances, to take the ell.

If staying in a friend's house, you may assume, to a certain extent; that your friend's servants are your servants. But this must be only so far as you are yourself concerned. You must not, on any account, give directions respecting the general conduct of the ménage. For all your own personal wants, however, you are free to command their services. Ask for anything, under their control, that may be lacking in your own room; do not send them on errands, how- ever, without first ascertaining that it will not inter- fere with their regular routine of household duty. It is contrary to all laws of etiquette to trouble your host or hostess with all your petty wants.

Never apologize for the trouble you give them; but if you should, through illness or other cause, occasion more work than a visitor ordinarily brings to a household, let the gift, which, in any case, you would make to the servants on leaving the house, be somewhat heavier than would otherwise have been necessary.

This question of fees to servants is a very important one. Many people are disposed to regard it as an imposition which is tolerated only through the force of custom. Others view it in the light of paying for an extra burden, which their presence has laid upon the servant's shoulders. The latter view, if not entirely the correct one, is, at least, as reasonable as the former, and a generous nature will probably adopt it. "But all cannot afford to make these presents," and "The servants are hired on the express understanding that they will have to serve their employer's guests, as part of the work they are engaged to do.”

With regard to the amount of fees to servants in a household, it is not possible to lay down any precise rule. Much must depend on the length of the visit, the position of the master of the house, and the position in which you are supposed to stand toward him; and on each of these points you must exercise your own discretion, and consult your own means or generosity.

Gentlemen give fees to the men servants only, as a general rule, and ladies give to the female servants only; and though the strict observance of this rule may seem at times to work injustice, it is better to adhere to it than to mar the comfort and position of those who come after you, and who may not have the means of being liberal over and above the pre- scribed standard.

At a dinner party, an evening company, a ball, or like occasions, it is customary, on coming away, to give a trifle, the gentleman to the waiter who hands him his hat, etc., the lady to the attendant in the dressing-room; but you are not called upon to remember every servant in attendance.

Fees to railway porters and others are certainly not required by the rules of etiquette to be paid. The payment of them is indeed forbidden by many of the railway companies; but the receiving of them is winked at, the result being that travelers who want attendance are, for the most part, obliged to pay for it. The system is, however, a pernicious one, and travelers should discourage it as much as possible, if only for the sake of those who cannot afford to sustain it.

It is generally wise and right, after a due experience of the principles and intentions of servants, to place confidence in their honesty, and to let them have the comfort of knowing that you do so. At the same time never cease to exercise a system of supervision. The great principle of housekeeping is regu- larity, and without this (one of the most difficult of the minor virtues to practice), all efforts to promote order must be ineffectual.

In this country, servants are proverbially more troublesome than in Europe, where service is often transmitted through generations in one family. Here, the housekeeper is obliged to change often, taking frequently the most ignorant of the lower classes of foreigners to train into good and useful servants, only to have them become dissatisfied as soon as they become acquainted with others, who instil the republican doctrine of perfect equality into their  minds, ruining them for good servants. There are some points of etiquette, however, upon which every lady should insist :

Never allow a servant to keep people waiting upon the doorstep. 

Never allow servants to treat any one disrespectfully.

Never allow servants to turn their own proper duties over to the children or other servants by a bribe. Many fond parents would be amazed if they knew how much running and actual work was performed by little Nellie or Charlie, and how many fits of mysterious indigestion were caused by the rich cake, candy, or half-ripe fruit that paid for the service and bribed the silence.

Never allow a servant to keep a visitor standing parleying on the door-step, while she holds the door ajar. Train the door-servant to admit any caller promptly, show them to the parlor, bring up their cards at once, and return with your answer or message. — From “Decorum, a practical treatise on etiquette and dress…”, By John A. Ruth and S. L. Louis, 1882

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Shedding Tears

There is a class of woman who cries about everything. If she loses her train — tears; if her servants annoy her — tears; if her husband is half an hour late in getting home — tears. This copious lachrymation is extremely irritating, not only to men but to women.

Tears are often very bad manners. There is no excuse for women who weep on every opportunity. I once saw a hostess cry because one of her callers broke a coffee-cup. This was an unpardonable piece of bad manners. I once saw a bride at a dinner-party cry because her busband nearly choked. It was quite the wrong moment for tears. When a woman loses her purse, and begins to cry in the street, or a shop, or an omnibus, she is behaving like a baby. There is a class of woman who cries about everything. If she loses her train — tears; if her servants annoy her — tears; if her husband is half an hour late in getting home — tears. This copious lachrymation is extremely irritating, not only to men but to women. 

Servants are the worst sinners in this respect. The least thing makes them cry. A cut finger is the cause of a flood of tears. If they do not feel well they go to bed and cry. We once had a flood of water come pouring into the basement of our house. The cook and housemaid began to cry, and my sister and I had to plunge and splash about in six inches of water getting furniture and carpets to a dry place, while the maids enjoyed a good howl together.

An elderly lady was once followed to church by her pet dog. It trotted after her up the aisle, and not till she was about to kneel down in her pew did she perceive the little animal. What did she do? Turn him out? No. She sat down and began to cry! Our amusement at this was far too great for our comfort, in the circumstances.

Men's own stern code forbids them the relief of tears; but sometimes Nature is stronger than any code, and grief will find its natural expression. If women had never made a bad use of tears; had never indulged in them to excess, men would not have withheld from themselves the privilege of shedding a few in moments of emotion. If women could be a little more manly in their power of self-control, men might venture to be just a little womanly; but their natural disgust at the misuse that our sex too often makes of tears, using them as weapons, as leverage, as arguments, has driven men to the extreme of refusing to themselves this almost necessary relief. Do they think that women despise them when they shed a few tears? If so, they are very wrong. 

Though women would certainly feel a keen contempt for a man who habitually gave way to tears (do they not despise even women who do so?) yet the sight of genuine emotion from some worthy cause often evokes the sincerest feeling of sympathy and compassion, awaking that motherly sentiment that always mingles in some degree in the regard of women for men. There have been cases where a few tears shed by a man have made all women think better of him. At Gordon's funeral service at Khartoum, for instance, it was stated in the papers that many officers shed tears. Every woman who read the account honored these men in their hearts.

There are clergymen who make a practice of crying in the pulpit. The soft-hearted dear sweet women in the congregation whose tears live very near their eyes, invariably cry too. In my girlhood's days I became habituated to the spectacle of a crying preacher, and I must confess that the effect on myself was the reverse of softening. Directly the clergyman in ques- tion produced his snowy pocket handkerchief, ready for a little weep, about seventy-five per cent. of the ladies in the church made a dash for their pockets and got out theirs, all ready. This spectacle always made me want to laugh, and however pathetic the words might be that followed, all the pathos had been for me eliminated by the ludicrous preparatory performance. — From Eliza Lavin’s, “Etiquette for Every Day,” 1900

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1920’s Capital Etiquette of Washington

When there’s love at home: “Illustrating Etiquette in the Home.”

A FEW GENERAL RULES

Nothing so plainly shows a lack of breeding as to converse while some one is entertaining the company with music or recitation. It also is proof of extreme selfishness on the part of those guilty of this breach of etiquette.

Ladies, bear in mind that "Familiarity breeds contempt."

Gentlemen should always rise from their seats when being presented to members of either sex; with ladies this is not necessary.

When playing cards or any other game, carefully avoid any public demonstration of annoyance at a run of bad luck.

Gentlemen do not give expensive presents to ladies unless a degree of unusual intimacy exists. Candy and flowers are always proper gifts.

Gentlemen will always raise their hat when a lady acknowledges some act of courtesy as a response to such acknowledgment; likewise after assisting her into a carriage or automobile.

It is unpardonable to cut a person deliberately on the street unless for some extremely good reason, and the reasons are extremely few. If a person has been so unfortunate as to have disgraced himself, the true gentleman or lady will go out of their way to speak kindly to their erring friend or acquaintance. It is very easy to show an undesirable person that you are not willing to be on any but the most formal terms with him by coldly bowing or other means.

Gentlemen should never offer to shake hands with a lady, particularly if the acquaintance is slight; this is the lady's prerogative, and she may use her own judgment as to when it is proper to extend her hand in greeting. Except in exceptional cases, the lady should not offer to shake hands on the street.

Avoid talking about your personal affairs and petty troubles; you will soon gain the reputation of being a bore; never, urder any circumstances, air your family grievances in public; nothing shows poorer taste.

Do not be too inquisitive; no matter how curious do not try to pry into the affairs of your friends and acquaintances. You will be spoken of as a busybody and shunned by everyone if you do.

Avoid gossip, particularly avoid speaking unkindly of any friend or acquaintance who is absent. This is one of the most common breaches of etiquette, and many things said at random, with no intention of actual harm, have wrought havoc in the lives and reputations of others.

Should a lady's shoe become unlaced, a gentleman may, with perfect propriety, offer to fasten same.

Do not whistle or hum to yourself when on the street. Avoid onions or tobacco when you contemplate making a social call on ladies.

Above all things, do not pick your teeth, clean your finger nails or scratch your head in public.

Ladies are not expected to take a gentleman's arm when promenading in the day time.

Individuals so fortunate as to be able to entertain by reciting, singing, playing or in other ways should respond gracefully when asked, unless for some really plausible reason. Only a very inexperienced person waits to be urged. Be careful not to occupy the limelight and show off for too long a period as to have your efforts become monotonous. It is far more tactful and satisfactory to stop before the company has heard quite enough than to go to the other extreme.

Gentlemen should not smoke at any time in the presence of ladies without requesting and obtaining their permission in advance. If the permission is given with apparent reluctance, the perfect gentleman will have sufficient diplomacy not to take advantage of the privilege. Under no circumstances should a gentleman smoke when walking with a lady on the street; the fact that this is done frequently does not alter the fact that it is a breach of etiquette.

Gentlemen should be careful to extend all possible little courtesies, such as picking up a glove or handkerchief, fetching a chair, assisting her in and out of street cars; nothing so endears a man to the feminine mind as the strict observance of these small but important matters.

Avoid affectation; be simple and natural. If the company in which you are spending an evening is a little lower than your own social plane, do not adopt superior airs.

Do not read personal letters or papers in company unless absolutely necessary; at such a time, request permission to do so and apologize for the necessity.

If visiting a sick friend, above all things be cheerful; do not insist upon relating how many of your friends have been likewise afflicted, and how much worse they were; avoid talks of friends who have been seized with the same malady and fatally attacked.

Do not force your opinion and insist upon being heard when your superiors are talking.

Avoid speaking of melancholy and doleful matters at the table or at social gatherings.

If a person appears in public with bruised countenance or other blemish, do not gaze at the unfortunate individual fixedly, nor inquire as to how it happened. It is generally bad enough without having to add unpleasant explanations.

In case of argument, remember there are always two sides, and do not treat your opponent with scorn and strive to give the impression that he is of unsound intellect; possibly the company are entertaining the same sentiments towards yourself. Be ever courteous to every one, no matter what his rank and station in life may be.

Never speak in a frivolous manner of sacred things.

Do not permit yourself to become annoyed or disturbed at trifles.— From Edward S. Green’s, “The National Capital Code of Etiquette,” 1920

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Spotlight on Kseniia Markova

                                    

        Meet Etiquipedia Contributor, 

Kseniia Markova

Below are links to Kseniia Markova’s articles on Russian etiquette you’ll find on Etiquipedia:

• Russian Picnic Etiquette and History
• The Etiquette and History of Vodka
• Etiquette and the Russian Zakuski Table

I'm very proud that I've never given two same lectures in my entire career, I always add something or change the way of view. To be honest, I'm not a teacher, but a researcher. 

The following is a Q. & A. with Kseniia:

What was the impetus for starting your Etiquette business?

I would say it was happening by accident, but on the other hand, it could not have been any other way. It is very logical. On my dad's side of the family, we have a dynasty of diplomats, and on my mom's side, writers, artists, screenwriters and historians. No one forced me to choose, but these are such different fields of activity... 

When you grow up among people who are passionate about their work, who have achieved s real success and recognition, it is very difficult, but you really want to find your own way and make your own contribution to something good. And so, in our Etiquette748 project, I managed to make “homage” to both parts of my family. I write about etiquette, about history of etiquette and cross-culture. 

Kseniia is a holder of diplomas and certificates from leading schools and teachers in Europe. (including: Institut Villa Pierrefeu, Debrett’s Academy, The Minding Manners etc... She is the author of several books, including, “European Etiquette: Conversations about good manners and subtleties of behavior in society,” and “Etiquette. Traditions and history of romantic relationships,” and “Dress code: Etiquette and classics as ways of self-expression.” In 2022, this book won an award as the best in the field of etiquette. She is a member of the National Association of Protocol Specialists (NASP)

I write not only in Etiquette 748 as a blog, but I have a few books published already and one more, I hope, will “born” before the end of the year.  I am engaged in social European etiquette, Most of the diplomas and certificates I have received are about this. Now I find the topic of the history of feasting, table settings, table manners and the study of various rules related to this important issue in the history of people very fascinating. 

Food is the engine of progress at absolutely any stage of human evolution, because it is our basic need. People need to eat in order to live. Some products that today seem to us the most ordinary have gone through an interesting and long historical way and have become the basis of culture. Table setting, table manners are not just knives and forks lying on a certain side. Not at all! There are many different meanings and nuances in this.

I believe that we make the world a better. I believe that studying history and the peculiarities of different cultures makes you think about the diversity of the world, learn to respect the past, better understand the present and have some hope, be optimistic about the future. Etiquette, certainly, sets some boundaries, but they allow different people who grew up in different worlds and have different values ​​to find a common language and communicate comfortably, and most importantly, safely, find common topics. The main thing is not to offend anyone. It is especially unpleasant to do this out of ignorance or when you did not want it or just meant something else, but the someone understood it incorrectly, in a wrong way. 

Kseniia is a specialist in European social etiquette. Project creator & author for ETIQUETTE748, Kseniia won a national award in the field of protocol, image and etiquette, “For contributions to the development and popularization of the profession” for quality content that supports the ETIQUETTE748 project - 2018, and was a national award winner in the field of protocol and etiquette, in the category “Best educational project in the field of etiquette” -2022.

What do you enjoy teaching or passing on to others most?

I don't have any regular classes and I don't have a regular program. I'm very proud that I've never given two same lectures in my entire career, I always add something or change the way of view. To be honest, I'm not a teacher, but a researcher. Etiquette748 is already 10 years old and all this time we regularly publish articles 2-3 times a week on various topics related to etiquette. 

I try to keep up with what is happening in the global etiquette community, what books and interesting articles are coming out, new or previously published. 

What types of services do you offer?

We still don't have any plan, we write about what seems interesting for us. And taking this opportunity, I would like to thank my colleague Elena Fujiyama, a specialist in Japanese etiquette, for such a long and pleasant collaboration. Our articles can and should be read in the morning over a cup of coffee and we are very glad that we have been doing this for more than 10 years, it is for everyone and it is completely free.

I would like to thank my colleague Elena Fujiyama, a specialist in Japanese etiquette, for such a long and pleasant collaboration.

What age group do you enjoy working with most? And why?

I have worked with a variety of groups, except children. This, in my opinion, is a completely different world and I am not competent and good enough in this. I do not really deal with business etiquette, so I only have a few business clients.

Who are some of the older etiquette authors or authorities you enjoy most?

I like primary sources of etiquette history, for example, memoirs or letters of some famous people. There are many interesting things there, but, of course, it is impossible to definitely attribute them to historical sources. Opinions, observations and conclusions made by a specific, even very intelligent person are usually subjective. But you can feel the mood, aroma, tempo of some era that has long since passed away. These touches and nuances so beautifully complement the overall picture. 

Cookbooks of the past, articles in old newspapers and magazines, photographs of people and cities, castle interiors, guidebooks, paintings, catalogs of old exhibitions - all this is very interesting and very important. But in general, any information should be treated very carefully and checked many times. But still, I am an etiquette specialist and the blog is not only educational, but also entertaining. 

Thank you one more time, for me it is a big honor and pleasure to be a small part of your great Etiquipedia community!

If you’d like to reach Kseniia, she can be contacted via her feed @etiquette748 on Instagram

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

When Tech and Old Etiquette Intersect

Today's invitations arrive through text messages, email, social media, or digital RSVP platforms instead of wax-sealed envelopes. Yet one simple courtesy remains just as important: respond.

Your Digital RSVP Is Older and More Important Than You Think

When was the last time you received a dinner invitation by text or email ? 

Now, when was the last time you actually replied?

Long before text messages, dinner invitations were handwritten and delivered by hand. Hosts expected a response—not because they were trying to be formal, but because they needed to know how many guests to prepare for.

The word etiquette itself comes from the French word for "label" or "ticket." One popular story traces it to the Palace of Versailles, where signs, called étiquettes, helped direct guests and establish expectations. Over time, the word became associated with the rules that helped society function smoothly.

Although our invitations have changed, the purpose behind them hasn't.

Today's invitations arrive through text messages, email, social media, or digital RSVP platforms instead of wax-sealed envelopes. Yet one simple courtesy remains just as important: respond.

A quick "Yes, I'd love to come" or "Thank you, but I can't make it" helps your host plan food, seating, and the overall experience for everyone attending.

A "Maybe" may seem harmless, but it often leaves a host waiting, guessing, and unable to finalize their plans.

Etiquette has never been about being old-fashioned or overly formal. It's about making other people feel respected and considered.

Technology will continue to evolve. Good manners don't.

The next time your phone buzzes with an invitation, remember: an RSVP isn't just a button to click—it's a small act of courtesy that has connected hosts and guests for centuries.

 

Meet our newest contributor, Eileen Copeland. Eileen is the founder of Southern California Etiquette™, a modern etiquette and social refinement platform which explores dining culture, hosting, presentation, and contemporary social behavior. A native Southern Californian, Eileen’s background includes executive and personal 

assisting, real estate, wellness, modeling, beauty, and luxury client services. Married for over 15 years, Eileen is a mother of two and grandmother of two, whose broad experiences, including living internationally for nearly a decade, helped shape her appreciation for culture, hospitality, and refined living. She shares life with her husband, her mini Goldendoodle, Teddy, and Luna, her sphynx cat, while continuing her etiquette studies under mentor Maura Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. You can reach her at Southern California Etiquette.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Floral Etiquette for the Gilded Age 400

The fashion in flowers varies less with the season than can be said of almost anything else. In the vegetable line, for example, there are certain vegetables obtainable only in certain seasons. Fish and game are also governed by the time of year, but all kinds of flowers can be bought at all seasons, and as those that are offered for sale are nearly always hot-house grown the price of flowers does not vary from winter to summer nearly as much as one would suppose who is not in the habit of buying. Thus a certain code of floral laws, or what may be called a code of floral etiquette exists which is followed all the year round without regard to season. 

What the Leading Florist of the Four Hundred Says–

Roses are the Favorites–

Beautiful Presents for Debutantes, Wives and Girls in Their Teens

A 2nd Debut Article

Correspondence of The Mercury– The most beautiful flowers in the world are grown in New York. California has a greater abundance of blooms, and Paris and London have each their specialties. But New York excels them all in the greatest beauty of the greater number of flowers. In New York, even in the coldest weather, it is not unusual to find violets whose outspread petals would extend over the size of a silver dollar, and American beauty roses are frequently seen as large as a big orange. 

The fashion in flowers varies less with the season than can be said of almost anything else. In the vegetable line, for example, there are certain vegetables obtainable only in certain seasons. Fish and game are also governed by the time of year, but all kinds of flowers can be bought at all seasons, and as those that are offered for sale are nearly always hot-house grown the price of flowers does not vary from winter to summer nearly as much as one would suppose who is not in the habit of buying. Thus a certain code of floral laws, or what may be called a code of floral etiquette exists which is followed all the year round without regard to season. 

For the debutante the favorite bouquet is made all of orchids—white orchids being the preferred ones. The size for a debutante's bouquet is about fourteen inches across and is made in conventional bouquet fashion. The cost is about $12.00. B ut, of course, a beautiful and popular young girl receives many bouquets, so there is always a struggle for something a little novel and sufficiently original that it can not be duplicated. Many varieties of the orchid bouquet, therefore, must be found. A young man who is, as you would say, “rather sweet” upon a young woman, and who wants to send her something which will catch her eye and please her, will say to his florist: “Can you send Miss A. a handsome bouquet, which shall be a little—or —different from er -anything else, don’t you know?” Then his florist will suggest a bouquet all of very rare white orchids, with white lilies on one side. When it is done, the young man drops in to see it, and perhaps he orders finishing touches, which bring the bill up to $50.00 for this one bouquet. 

The matron who sends a bouquet to a debutante, chooses colored orchids. They may be pink or purple or variegated, but the entire bouquet is after the conventional order. The debutante, if she is at all popular, has half a hundred bouquets, but you may be sure that she has her eye upon one which she fancies more than any of the others, and by and by she will pick it up and carry it for the rest of the evening to the exclusion of the others. It is always the bouquet of white orchids and white lilies which is chosen. 

To pass to a more sombre subject and to another use to which these same flowers are devoted, for funerals, the palm is the accepted odering, although a much greater latitude is allowed at funerals than formerly. At Jay Gould's funeral there was a greater variety than at any social gathering of the season. Mrs. August Belmont had, likewise, many exquisite floral pieces. The Rothschilds are in the habit of cabling over orders for floral pieces, and, indeed, it is not unusual to receive half a dozen cable orders for any large New York event, especially a funeral. While the palm is the accepted tribute for a funeral, there is a floral piece known as the “mat,” which is as good form as anything that can be sent. 

This consists of many great bunches of flowers just as they are brought out of the vases of cool room. They are dropped in armfuls and are fastened to the mat foundation wherever they happen to lie, so that the whole is an exquisitely beautiful bit of extravagance, which, when floral beauty is considered, well repays tbe buyer. 

When a man orders a bouquet for his wife or a box of flowers it is considered the prettiest idea for him to select violets, as these have clinging associations of poetry, love, constancy and all the things that ought to belong to married life. A woman in ordering flowers for her husband will ask that something be sent suitable for a buttonniere. This varies a little with the season but is sure to be a chrysanthemum as long as chrysanthemums last. 

Flowers for old people and for young girls are nearly always cut roses. They seem to appeal especially to these two classes. Old people choose them because they are sweet smelling, and because old people do not take as kindly to fashionable floral innovations as young society people do. Girls in their “teens” like cut roses because they are poetical, and because illusions to growing maidenhood are usually couched in terms portraying the opening of the rose. It is rather a new idea with the season, almost a fad in fact, to send pots of growing plants to young men in place of birthday or New Year's gifts. Indeed, the pot ot growing plants forms in itself a gift worthy of being sent to any one. 

Rubber plants and all kinds of hardy foliage plants are selected because they are easier to care for than a majority of plants. For home entertainments, where a very good effect is desired in small space, it is the most fashionable idea to cover one side of the wall entirely with flowers of only one variety, and if possible to introduce light behind them. This has been done repeatedly at Mrs. Whitney’s annual balls, and the result has been good that the idea has become an established one and is a fashion in itself. For the coming out of the debutante or for a wedding or a christening the effect should be bright—particularly bright—as is the case if pink carnations, yellow chrysanthemums or bright roses are used. But for ordinary social gatherings it is prettier to subdue the tone somewhat and trim with ivy, or if it be in winter, with mistletoe and holly. 

A few weeks ago I massed holly on one side ot a ballroom and the effect was so beautiful that all the guests were talking about it. The idea was afterward repeated at the Patriarchs’ Ball, but was done too sparingly and was, therefore, not a success. A great deal of money is necessary for anything of this kind, though it may be said that the people who order such work done are so rich that the $2000. or $3000. necessary for such adornment seems nothing at all. For a christening, lilies are almost always chosen. In the spring, it is lilies ot the valley. In the fall, callas are used and later come the Easter lilies. Just a touch of color is introduced in the way of a gaily colored ribbon or a bright basket, so that it shall be plainly evident that the flowers are intended for a happy occasion and not for a funeral. 

In sending flowers to an invalid it is considered the best form —and best form is sure to be the truest politeness to send something which shall seem to be of special interest to the invalid. Not two dozen roses all exactly alike, nor twenty lilies, nor fifty violets, but dashes of many different kinds of flowers. It is good taste to put in the invalid’s box a very white and very rare orchid, some mignonette, an extraordinary rose and so on, until a really fine collection is obtained. 

In the way of standing orders queer things prevail. A young man who has just become engaged will order two dozen roses sent daily to his betrothed. A young man whose sweetheart is going upon a journey will request that we keep track of her movements and will make us promise to see that she receives a box of carnations or some flower that will keep on a journey, two or three times a week as long as she is upon her tour. Standing orders for actresses are usually for big flowers that can be used with good effect upon the stage. 

In trimming state-rooms for those about to depart on European steamers it is the latest idea to use vases and ornamental pots and jars as far as possible, because those can be preserved during the trip after the flowers are cast overboard. A mass of smilax or ivy drawn across one side of a state-room like a portiere and then “stuffed" out of the porthole, gives a beautifully artistic effect which is the “fad” with outgoing tourists, lots of picturesque roses and bouquets of sentimental forget-me-nots are the flowers suitable for the occasion. With regard to a floral alphabet there is little absolutely set down in rules. The law varies with the woman. 

A young girl will take a fancy for lilies of the valley. She wears them on all occasions, has them painted upon her fan and embroidered upon her gown. To her they mean everything pure and lovely. They constitute her “alphabet of love,” so to speak. And, of course, her admirers know her taste and choose the tiny white flowers to bear their unspoken messages. As a rule, however, the heart of the society maiden is touched by mammon, so that flowers which represent money represent also love. As a pert little maiden remarked in front of one of my windows: “Carnations and love will do for some girls: but I have educated my best boy up to orchids.”

Many orders are left which the etiquette of my business will not permit me to fulfill. For an example, take the case of a man who dropped in here last week and left a ten-dollar bill upon my counter. “You may send Miss B., of No. 1000 Fifth avenue, a box of pansies. And—er —well—never mind the card, you know. Just send them anonymously.” Now Miss H’s mother is one of our patrons and Miss H. herself is a school girl of fifteen. So I delayed fulfilling the order until her father happened in one day, and then I told him about the man who wished me to send his daughter flowers. “Do not send them!” he thundered. “Flowers to my daughter! At her age! Impossible! Preposterous!” I did not send Miss H. the flowers, and when her elderly admirer happens in again he will be the richer by a ten-dollar bill. As a rule, though, floral orders are for the expression of pure, dignified sentiment. And into no other business does so little of the immoral ever creep.” – Charles Thorley, 1893

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1920’s Black American Table Manners

Perfect Table Manners—A Formal Dinner: One should sit erect at the table, with feet near his chair. The hands should be in one's lap or on a level with the table. It is extremely bad form to bend forward over our plate to any great distance, or to place the elbows on the table. A man should partially unfold his napkin and place it over the left knee; a woman unfolds her napkin slightly more and places it in her lap, over her gloves if she wears them. 

CORRECT TABLE MANNERS know no color…

Not less important than propriety in dress is a knowledge of what is and is not permissible at the table. It is a remarkable fact that many well-bred people are extremely deficient in their manners at table. This is usually the result of lack of early training or carelessness. Nothing will stamp a man or woman so quickly as “ill-bred” as improper behavior when eating. 

To eat gracefully is an art that few of us ever acquire - to commit as few blunders as possible and to avoid unpardonable actions should be our chief ambition. There is but one safe way to accomplish the desired result and that is to be just as careful when dining at home with one's family as at a dinner or banquet. It is extremely difficult to overcome in a moment habits that have been formed through months of carelessness at home.

One should sit erect at the table, with feet near his chair. The hands should be in one's lap or on a level with the table. It is extremely bad form to bend forward over our plate to any great distance, or to place the elbows on the table. A man should partially unfold his napkin and place it over the left knee; a woman unfolds her napkin slightly more and places it in her lap, over her gloves if she wears them. 

At a public dinner at the close of the meal, the napkin is left beside the plate; it is not necessary to fold it. However, when dining with friends and it is possible that your stay may be continued for several meals, it is a good plan to observe the host and hostess. If they fold their napkin in anticipation of using same at the next meal, it is well to follow suit and imitate their example.

It is scarcely necessary to state that the knife is never, under any circumstances, to be used to convey food to one's mouth. The old days of sword-swallowing feats are over; the knife is to be used for cutting alone. 

When cutting meat, the knife is held firmly in the right hand, the thumb and index finger slightly down on to the blade; the fork is held in a similar manner in the left hand. The fork is then transferred to the right hand and is used to convey the food to the mouth. 

When not in use, the knife and fork should be placed on the plate; they should also be so placed at the conclusion of the meal. 

The fork is the most useful of all table utensils and should be used whenever possible. It is never proper to use a spoon for salads, vegetables, etc… The perfectly-set table will also provide forks for all desserts, even to ice creams and sherbets.

Coffees and tea will be served in cups, accompanied by a spoon. The spoon is used in ascertaining whether or not the beverage is of a temperature which permits immediate drinking and whether it is sufficiently sweetened. Thereafter one should drink direct from the cup. 

If a fork is not provided for a food, you have no other alternative but to use your fingers.

A special salad fork is usually provided with all salads; if not, an ordinary dessert fork may be used.

When arriving at the table one should watch his hostess for the signal to be seated. The same signal will doubtless be given by host or hostess when leaving. 

It is not necessary to push your chair back against the table as you leave. 

You are at liberty to converse with the guest either on your right or left, but it is not good form to converse across table or to any one at some distance away, except in exceptional cases.— From Edward S. Green’s, “The National Capital Code of Etiquette,” 1920

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Early Black-American Etiquette

“George wonders who Harry’s charming companion may be. Illustrating correct manners of saluting on the street.” - From “The National Capital Code of Etiquette,” 1920

Before Emily Post

Many etiquette books were written over the centuries, but everyone references Emily Post’s wildly successful early 20th century book, “Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home.” It was so successful, it became one of the most recognized etiquette books in America. But what fascinated me was discovering the African-American communities were already producing etiquette manuals before Emily Post became nationally known.

Growing up I had never heard about books such as, “The Colored Girl Beautiful” from 1916 and “The National Capital Code of Etiquette” from 1920. They focused on presentation, conduct, dress, conversation, and social mobility within Black society.

 While mainstream etiquette books of the Gilded Age and post-Gilded Age often centered wealthy white society—the Astors, Vanderbilts, debutante culture, and formal entertaining—Black Americans were simultaneously cultivating their own systems of refinement, often under entirely different social conditions.

The difference was not refinement itself, but access and visibility. For white upper-class society, etiquette was often associated with status, leisure, and social ranking. For many African-Americans in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, etiquette and presentation could also function as dignity, protection, education, and advancement in a society still shaped by segregation and exclusion.

By 1900, Black literacy had risen to over 50%, helping fuel the growth of social organizations, etiquette education, churches, debutante traditions, and formal community gatherings (U.S. Census Bureau, 1900).Refinement was not absent from Black communities—it was simply less documented and less centered in mainstream historical narratives.

And honestly? That changes the conversation.

Refinement was never exclusive. It was always there.

📖 Who Said It First?

Before Emily Post’s famous etiquette book was published and she became a household name, African-American communities already had their own etiquette and refinement guides in circulation.

Hackley’s 1916 book and Green’s 1920 etiquette code both predate Emily Post’s first edition, which was first published in July 1922.

African-American Etiquette Texts

“The Colored Girl Beautiful,” from 1916, and “Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics” from 1020, focused on presentation, conduct, grooming, and dignity within Black society. The National Capital Code of Etiquette (1920) emphasized manners, Conversation, and the Home. It was in 1922 that Emily Post standardized many of these social expectations, introductions, and social presentation by way of another American book on social etiquette for mainstream society. 

Research and historical references sourced from:

• The National Capital Code of Etiquette (1920) by

Edward S. Green

• The Colored Girl Beautiful (1916) by E. Azalia Hackley

• Emily Post, Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics,

and at Home (1922)

• Internet Archive

• Project Gutenberg

• Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture

                                                      

Meet our newest contributor, Eileen Copeland. Eileen is the founder of Southern California Etiquette™, a modern etiquette and social refinement platform which explores dining culture, hosting, presentation, and contemporary social behavior. A native Southern Californian, Eileen’s background includes executive and personal 

assisting, real estate, wellness, modeling, beauty, and luxury client services. Married for over 15 years, Eileen is a mother of two and grandmother of two, whose broad experiences, including living internationally for nearly a decade, helped shape her appreciation for culture, hospitality, and refined living. She shares life with her husband, her mini Goldendoodle, Teddy, and Luna, her sphynx cat, while continuing her etiquette studies under mentor Maura Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. You can reach her at Southern California Etiquette.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia