Etiquette of Gilded Age Newport

 Long before the season opens all the dates are taken, invitations sent out and gayeties planned. Newcomers settling at Newport, provided with the finest introductions, may desire to give handsome entertainments, but they will find themselves sadly disappointed.

NEW YORK'S CLOSE ARISTOCRACY

It is, of a truth, easier for a camel to go through the needle's eye than for a newcomer to get into New York society on one season's introduction. New York's society is conducted very much on the lines of a popular theater. Long before the season opens all the dates are taken, invitations sent out and gayeties planned. Newcomers settling at Newport, provided with the finest introductions, may desire to give handsome entertainments, but they will find themselves sadly disappointed. This will be from no ill-will or lack of hospitable inclinations on the part of the leaders of Newport, but simply because they have no vacant chair at their dinners nor a leftover card from their balls to offer new friends.

Of course, if there is a death or illness in a family a vacancy is created, and then one of the outsiders is called in to fill the place. But if you wish to get well into the New York swim you must, particularly if you are a hostess, take time by the forelock and begin in August to plan the next winter's campaign. As to impromptu entertainments and informal affairs, they are almost unknown in exclusive society, and if you want to know whence comes this new etiquette you will learn that it is an adoption of another English custom. — Los Angeles Herald, Number 233, 21 May 1899

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of  The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

A Black Ball of Gilded Age Newport Society

Could this “The Gilded Age” proposal have been any more romantic? Etiquipedia thinks not… HBO’s “The Gilded Age” has highlighted black society of the late 1800’s over the three seasons which have already aired. The season three finale ended with the beautifully crafted, Cinderella-storyline between the characters Peggy Scott and Dr. William Kirkland. Etiquipedia is looking forward to season 4 for more of this couple!

Though the San Francisco Call newspaper had reported on July 28, 1890, that “As Ward McAllister is to have charge of the Newport ball in honor of Prince George of Wales it will stand Prince George in hand to brush up on his social etiquette. Mr. McAllister is particular about these things.” no such ball for the Prince reportedly had taken place that year. The only ball in North America which Prince George of Wales attended was in Canada.

In Newport Rhode Island that season, however, there was one notable Black Society Ball in September of 1890. It was the Grand Bouquet Social hosted by Boyer Lodge, No. 1, of Newport. It was held on Thursday evening, September 4, 1890, at Odd Fellows Hall, and the guests were the crème de la crème of Black Newport Society.

Prominent Newport Society Leader, Dr. M. Alonzo Van Horne 

image from Gilded Age Newport in Color .com

Van Horne was born in Newport in 1871 and graduated from Rogers High School and Bryant Business College in 1889.

Etiquette for a Gilded Age Ball:

If a gentleman has been dancing with a young lady with whom he has previous acquaintance, a short promenade before leaving her with her party is not out of place and is quite agreeable after a dance, but a girl should not assume that it is to follow a dance with a stranger. He may have other engagements or contemplate bestowing his attentions elsewhere. In any event, his acquaintance with her should be conducted in the presence of the elder lady who accompanies her. This is only respectful to both ladies.

Well-bred young men outnumber the thoughtless and ill-bred; consequently a lady receives all the attention necessary to make such an occasion enjoyable, even if she be not a reigning belle or has only a limited acquaintance. Gentlemen who accompany ladies to balls endeavor to be near them when supper is announced, so as to attend them to the supper-room; but if they are not, they must look for them and see they are being properly cared for, before offering their services to others.

If a gentleman has no prior claims upon his attention at this time, he should offer his arm to the lady with whom he has been talking or dancing, always recognizing first the superior claim of an elderly lady to consideration. The mother or chaperon takes his arm and the younger lady walks beside her. It is not the best form for two ladies to each take an arm. A lady is not free to decline this attention, even though she may have expected it from another.

Gentlemen should be careful to see that ladies are provided for before they attend to their own wants, and any gentleman may extend such formal attentions as offering to escort to the supper-room ladies who may be unattended, to bring them ices, find seats for them or to escort them to their carriages, and in all this his warrant is his willingness to conform to the requirements of good breeding and compliment his hostess. He need not be deterred from showing such trifling attentions, nor need ladies decline them, because a formal introduction has not taken place.— From Eliza Lavin’s, “Good Manners,” 1888

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Hid During Easter Egg Roll

The usual expected decorum and etiquette expected at the White House in the Spring of 1890, was set aside – or as the article states, it was in hiding – during the children’s Easter egg roll. — Depiction of the Easter Parade of 1890.

HAPPY CHILDREN and Happy Easter 

The White House Grounds Given Over to the Little Folks.

WASHINGTON, April 7.-This was egg-rolling day, and at least 10,000 young Washingtonians, ranging from 3 to 10 years, took possession of the White House grounds and held high carnival from 10 o'clock until 5. Race lines, police lines and care lines were all obliterated, etiquette hid her face behind her veil for awhile and conventional propriety stood outside of the park and hung a sad face over the railing. But there were no sad faces inside. All was joy, gayety, laughter, music, eggs and yellow stains.

At 2 o'clock the Marine Band arrived and for two hours delighted the thousands of children and grown people with light music, familiar airs, such as "MeGinty," "Razzle-Dazzle," "Swanee River," "Where Did You Get That Hat?" and "Listen to My Tale of Woe." Meyerbeer and Thomas were cast aside for two hours of popular music and Sub Smith and Billy Rice were favorites. It was during this period that the Presidential household made its bow to the gay scene below the south portico.

All of the babies were held up to kiss their hands to their youthful countrymen below and the President smiled. Outside of the grounds half a hundred fakirs and peddlers pushed an Easter Monday trade in eggs, candy, oranges, bananas, lemonade, balloons, squawkers, ples, pickles and peanuts.

At noon the departments caused the throng in the grounds to swell temporarily, but the return of the men to their desks did not materially diminish the crowd as the sunshine kept calling out the children who had remained at home in the morning because of threats of rain. The crowd was unequaled. Many Senators and members left the Capitol to view the scene. – San Francisco Call, 1890

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Culture in Uganda

It was obvious that I had I glossed over the Ugandan section when sightseeing in Kampala. Here are some etiquette points I learnt when staying in home-stays around Uganda, so you don’t have to discover them the hard way.

One of my favourite travel books to prepare to travel through any country was, and still is, Lonely Planet. It was obvious that I had I glossed over the Ugandan section when sightseeing in Kampala. Here are some etiquette points I learnt when staying in home-stays around Uganda, so you don’t have to discover them the hard way.

One of the scariest moments of traveling to Uganda was the markets… walking through Kampala’s Owino Market or St. Balikuddembe Market. There was no warning. There was no written etiquette guide. It was 'baptism by fire'. Like SpaceX, we blasted off into the crowds we entered by squeezing ourselves down the thin corridors. Locals were on a mission, buying, selling, and negotiating fast and furious. As we tried to push further into the surging crowds, the yelling and pushing started: ‘get out’, ‘go away’. We made a 15-second decision to turn around and leave the chaos behind.

How to Show Friendliness in Uganda

You can greet in three languages, take your pick: English, Swahili or Luganda. In Swahili (also called Kiswahili — which can be used in over ten African countries), while simultaneously smiling and nodding, say “hello” by saying “jambo” in Swahili.

If you wish to say “hello” in Luganda, you say “oli otya,” and if the local offers a hand out for a handshake, to show extra respect or courtesy, it is customary to place your left hand on your right forearm or elbow while shaking hands with your right hand. Men will take time shaking and women may do the same, indicating familiarity and friendship. A woman may just do a head nod to acknowledge your presence and greet.

For many African cultures, eye contact is an unnecessary rule, unlike its Western counterparts. So, when speaking to a Ugandan, they may look elsewhere. Don’t be put off, keep on talking, you will get a reply to your answer. Pointing at people can be seen as rude and off-putting.  

Always use your hand, palm facing the ground, when talking and expressing yourself. Uganda, of course, respects its elders and has a language to acknowledge this. For an elderly man, you can use “mama, tata, ssebo”and for an elderly woman, “nnyabo”.

I found the food very interesting and very healthy in Uganda. You will be served root vegetables, legumes and various meats, including fish.

Know What to Do When Dining in Uganda

I found the food very interesting and very healthy in Uganda. You will be served root vegetables, legumes and various meats, including fish. Due to the migration of Chinese (1960s) and Indians (1890s), who set up stores, and worked on the railways, an indelible mark was left on Ugandan food culture by way of their use of spices, curries, noodles, rice, dumplings and soy sauce.

You will find in a traditional Ugandan household that men and teenage boys are assisting in other jobs around the house rather than in the kitchen. Families will eat twice a day, drinking tea and porridge or pieces of bread (bread tends to be soft and sweet), then the two main meals will be lunch and dinner. As a side point, Uganda grows its own teas and served with milk and sugar. Surprisingly, Uganda is the biggest exporter of coffee and it’s the younger ‘café generation’ and business-types who drink coffee today.

Before sitting down on floor mats neatly arranged on the floor to dine, you will need to wash your hands and visit the restroom. Actually, most restaurants will have a sink at the entrance to wash your hands before selecting a table and ordering. Food will be offered and served by the females of the family, putting food on your plate, and waiting for your host to start. Please be mindfully conscious to not waste food and eat as much as you can.

Ugandans are spiritual people and you will find on a Sunday that modestly dressed families and individuals will be catching a bus to their nominated church with a Bible in hand. Therefore, praying before eating will occur. 

 When dining in someone’s home, you may be given a spoon, or you have the option of using your fingers, as though you were in India. Never lean over food to grab salt, cutlery or more food. That is seen as rude and uncouth. Politely ask for what you need and you will be served. All items you are given will be given with the right hand. At the end of your meal, you will be provided with a glass of water or another beverage to finish the meal. 

Dessert is not any Western-type traditional cake or pastries. Ugandan dessert comes in the form of healthy palette refreshers. These can range from pawpaw to pineapple to bananas, mangos, jackfruit or even soursop. Soursop is described as an acidic custard apple, with a white fibrous fleshy interior. It is said to have a sweet-tart flavor, with creamy pulp which tastes like a mix of strawberry, citrus and pineapple. It’s very healthy and a fruit everyone should try!

 A point to remember is that it is disrespectful to leave the dining area while others are still eating. Respect your host and stay in the dining quarters until the end of the meal. It's not uncommon to talk about your day during the meal; however, one should always compliment the chef after the meal.  Before standing up to depart the company, you can say, “webale nnyo”. This means, “thank you very much”.

Enjoy your time in Uganda, people are very polite and considerate. The sites in Uganda’s beautiful mountains, highlands, lakes, national parks and wildlife areas can be breathtaking! Remember though, you will need guides to trek in those areas. Oh, and don’t forget to hire a guide for the inner-city markets!

Weeraba bulungi! (Or “goodbye and farewell!”)

For many years, Etiquipedia contributor, Elizabeth Soos, has had a keen interest in cultural customs. With her European background and extensive travel, Soos developed an interest in the many forms of respect and cultural expectations in the countries she has visited. With her 20 years’ experience in customer service within private international companies based in Australia, and her lifetime interest in manners and research, she decided to branch out into the field of etiquette and deportment. Through her self-directed studies and by completing the Train-The-Trainer’s course offered by Emma Dupont’s School of Etiquette in London and by Guillaume Rue de Bernadac at Academie de Bernadac based in Paris and Shanghai, she founded Auersmont School of Etiquette. Elizabeth can currently be found in Melbourne Australia and on numerous social media sites.

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette Humor from 1909

Ladies should precede in the theater, but follow the gentleman in church…?

Editor Bok of the Ladies’ Home Journal, who instructs his readers in etiquette, says that a lady entering a theatre should precede her escort down the aisle, but in entering a church she should follow him. 

Possibly Editor Bok can give another reason for this, but it looks as though he were afraid the escort would get away from church if the lady were not between him and the door. -The Press Democrat, 1909

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of  The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Spotlight on Petra Carsetti

IN JULY 2021 THE ITALIAN PETRA CARSETTI JUMPED TO THE NEWS FOR WINNING A WORLD RACE OF WHAT?

Meet Italian Etiquette Authority and Etiquipedia Contributor, Petra Carsetti, Author of Galatime and Galatime Act II

Petra Carsetti was born into a gastronomic minded family… true lovers of excellent foods and wines. From an early age she showed a great passion for the table, which she later developed by working in important, well-known Italian restaurants. Since 2005, she has written many books on food and wine, along with guides to Italian restaurants, specializing also in galateo and etiquette at the Accademia Italiana Galateo and ANCEP (the Association of Ceremonialists for Public Institute). She teaches etiquette in schools to adults and children, is a consultant for various political and economic authorities, and she has a weekly column in a historic newspaper. She also writes for various other newspapers, is a frequent television guest. Very active on Instagram @galateopetra_carsetti, Petra is happily married to well-known wine and food aficionado, journalist and author, Carlo Cambi and together they have one daughter.

Petra with one of her lovely, al fresco tablescapes

 Below are links to just a few of Petra Carsetti’s numerous articles on etiquette and table settings you’ll find on Etiquipedia:

• Petra Carsetti’s 10 Commandments of Italian Dinner Party Etiquette
• Table Etiquette and Beverages
• More Italian Etiquette with Galatime II
• Etiquette and Table Service Styles
• Italian Place-Setting Etiquette for Wines
• An Interview with Petra Carsetti

The following is a Q. & A. with Petra:

What was the impetus for starting your Etiquette business?
In reality, I've always had the impulse! Since I was a child I paid particular attention to how to set a table, empathize with people in front of me and know how to converse with everyone.

Why did you start? 

The 2016 the earthquake in the central part of Italy forced me to change my life. I therefore decided to enroll at the Italian Etiquette Academy to become a teacher of etiquette. In 2021 I also began to write books about etiquette.

What do you enjoy teaching the most regarding Etiquette? Surely the thing I like most is to make people understand that etiquette is the best tool for respect towards others and the use of kindness is the only true weapon to develop real progress towards the world and towards oneself.

What do you find rewarding about teaching Etiquette? 

I really love the amazement that I find in kids and teenagers when I teach them etiquette! They are always full of enthusiasm and curiosity.

What types of classes do you offer? 

I give lessons for all ages. I enter primary and secondary school, organize workshops around Italy, chair private and public events to deal with etiquette issues at 360°.

What age group do you enjoy working with most? And why? 

As already written, I love working with kids because there is a purity without superstructures that allow me to awaken hidden passions and make them feel more confident about themselves and the world around them.

Who are some of the older etiquette authors or authorities you enjoy reading most? 

Surely one of them is Monsignor Giovanni della Casa, he is the founder of good manners in Italy and his rules (from about 1550) are still valid today. Another author is a woman, she is Elda Lanza and she wrote a book with a very clear title: Il tovagliolo va a sinistra (The napkin goes to the left, first edition 2016)

If you would like to reach Petra, you can find her on Instagram. She is very active there @galateopetra_carsetti — Petra’s etiquette books, Galatime and Galatime Act II are both available on Amazon.

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Strenuous Etiquette of Newport

Leisure for most of us is a thing to be enjoyed. Leisure at Newport is a thing to be displayed. Toil is tiring, is the experience of most of us. We desire to find a place where we may idle away a few weeks, refresh our brains recruit our energies, and enable ourselves to return with new vigor to our work again. Toil is ignoble, is the Newport idea: let us employ ourselves in showing that we need not engage in it…

NEWPORT LIFE STRENUOUS –

Society Women in Vacation Having Anything Except Best

It is not difficult to understand why women who have passed the summer at Newport are readily to be distinguished far into the winter by their fagged look. The season is yet young - the more exciting round of balls and cotillions has not indeed begun - but already the faces of the women bear unmistakable lines of weariness which the arts of our army of masseuses cannot quite obliterate. 

Young girls not yet out - but who, nevertheless, are ever present and most popular at dinners, dances and doings of all sorts - are already wearing the faces of debutantes at the end of their first season. One or two of them are very lovely, but, it must be owned, are years too old in manners and in looks. It is commonplace to say that life in Newport is so formal that it affords no rest. It is really surprising, however, to reflect how completely the true vacation idea has been inverted. It is not merely that the notion of rest has been lost sight of; it has suffered a curious inversion.

Leisure for most of us is a thing to be enjoyed. Leisure at Newport is a thing to be displayed. Toil is tiring, is the experience of most of us. We desire to find a place where we may idle away a few weeks, refresh our brains recruit our energies, and enable ourselves to return with new vigor to our work again. Toil is ignoble, is the Newport idea: let us employ ourselves in showing that we need not engage in it.

This is the philosophy that explains, as its unconscious working has brought into being, the various phenomena of Newport ostentation of dwelling and dress that is so overwhelming to those unfamiliar with it, and over which visiting foreigners exclaim as over one of the wonders of the universe.

There is no place where so large a portion of the day may be passed in public at the casino, on the avenue and on the beach -though the latter by a classic fiction is supposed to be private. (Its mere semi-publicity has lately interfered sadly with the popularity of Bailey's.) The great houses stand but a little way from the streets and are open at all times to an inspection which would be intolerable to a European.

And yet it is considered well here to keep the proofs of unobserved leisure in constant evidence also. Etiquette, which at such other resorts as are truly vacation places, is neglected to the greatest extent compatible with ordinary respectability, is here carried to the utmost extreme. The exact proprieties of dress, equipage, cards and calls are insisted upon. It is a common bore, which, while confessed on every hand. is notwithstanding strictly observed.

The idle folly of it stands out with great distinctness in a place like this. where it might be expected all possible fromality would be dispensed with in the interest of real comfort and enjoyment. The fact that formality 's nowhere carried further shows the real purpose of life. –New York World, 1902

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Guest of Honor Etiquette

The hostess, of course, stands to greet every guest, man or woman. The guest of honor, if a woman, rises on introduction to other women just as the hostess does. However, it is not necessary for her to rise to meet the average guest, except in the case of elderly or very distinguished women or upon introduction to the hostess herself. The guest of honor doesn't arise upon having men introduced to her, unless they are her host, a clergyman or some very elderly or distinguished gentleman.

Etiquette: Guest of Honor Faces Special Social Rules

It is pleasant, of course, to be designated a guest of honor, but the honor should never come as a complete surprise.

A person who has been asked to be a feature speaker at a college, a school or a church knows that he or she will certainly be a guest of honor and is prepared for a certain degree of formality as a result, However, a celebrity who is asked to what he thinks is a simple lunch with friend and finds that without warning she is expected to glow as the guest of honor, may be somewhat put out by the compliment.

At club functions, at private homes, at university teas, there is often no formal receiving line. The guest of honor stands with the hostess while guests are introduced. If all the guests come more or less at the same time, this is a relatively simple procedure. If they filter in, however, and hostess and guests are seated and having tea, what happens as individual guests arrive to be greeted by the hostess?

The hostess, of course, stands to greet every guest, man or woman. The guest of honor, if a woman, rises on introduction to other women just as the hostess does. However, it is not necessary for her to rise to meet the average guest, except in the case of elderly or very distinguished women or upon introduction to the hostess herself. The guest of honor doesn't arise upon having men introduced to her, unless they are her host, a clergyman or some very elderly or distinguished gentleman.

It can readily be seen that it is much more convenient for hostess and guest of honor to stand and drink their tea, so as to avoid considerable rising and sitting.

Properly, one does not leave reception of any kind without bidding farewell to host and hostess and guest of honor – unless one must leave before the receiving line, if any, breaks up. In this latter case just the greeting is sufficient and the guest takes leave of the group with which he finds himself only. Women, by the way, as I have said before, keep their gloves on as they are going down the receiving line. They remove them when partaking of retreshments or smoking.

The guest of honor usually wears a hat at a daytime reception of any kind, but since this costume varies in different communities it is wise for her to ask the hostess what is expected. Amazingly, big cities are much less formal in this respect than some small towns. But even where hats are not worn, gloves are.

The hostess no longer under these circumstances wears a hat in her own home unless, for example, the reception is a wedding reception following a religious ceremony at home. In this case the mother of the bride would wear a hat as part of her costume - at least for a Protestant Episcopal ceremony - just as she would for a home christening or a funeral. — By Amy Vanderbilt, 1955

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia