Etiquette and Being One’s Best

“That Mary… she tells off-color stories. In a restaurant, she talks a little too loudly. Her evening dresses are just enough on the extreme side to call attention to her. She thinks it's smart to slump down in a chair. She holds her cigarette at a tough angle. Little things? Sure! But tragic! She knows better. She has a fear of being a good little girl of being her best.”

A FAMOUS psychologist said in one of his lectures: “The great tragedy in the lives of millions of Americans is rarely mentioned. It keeps people in ruts; it prevents their getting ahead in life as they deserve to. It keeps them on a plane of mediocre living instead of on the high plateaus of real achievement and ecstasy. This millstone around the neck is a juvenile, silly fear. It's the fear of being one’s best. America has developed a cult of horny-handed democracy.”

We’ve played down the niceties and cultural aspects of life. Rough grammar, rough etiquette, and rough dressing seem to give a man a place among men! Ah! But here's the tragedy. It gives a man or woman a place among others of the same type, the group who are afraid to be their best. Life isn't all material success. Happiness, health, and integrity come first. But there's nothing criminal in our having those things plus more material success! 

SCORES of investigations by psychologists show that those who get ahead in business, industry, and the professions, are not afraid to be their best. And they are forever trying to make that best better! Let me give a concrete example. He's a man I have known for 20 years. We went through college together, and I've known him intimately since. John has a brilliant mind; he's a hard worker; he’s a lawyer and knows law. It was his ambition to be a trial lawyer and still is, although the flame in his soul is slowly dying, for John is 43 now. 

John couldn’t make the debating team in college because he made such obvious mistakes in English grammar. And he wouldn’t learn to correct them. He thought then, and still does, that only effeminate men bothered to say “it is I” instead of using the incorrect “it is me.” He still says “between you and I,” when folks who care know that after a preposition you must use the objective case. A double negative is the least of his worries. He uses the phrase “can't hardly” a dozen times a day. Little things? Yes. But John who has a heart of gold, who is a good citizen and able man, is doing routine, monotonous clerical work. 

He has a natural flair for public speaking. He does a good deal in church, civic, and social organizations. But, and here is the point, John didn't bother to be his best in his strongest field. His firm doesn't dare let him represent them in court. John’s smile is a little forced now. He's gone over the middle line and isn’t where he thought he’d be. He’s seen other men with less ability go on up the ladder to more income, better houses, bigger cars, and a wider influence. A fear of being his best has licked him. 

The remedy? It's the same for all of us. Get hold of some good books on grammar. Look up the lists of common mistakes. We may feel self conscious when we break the habits of years, but it's moronic thinking to be afraid of being our best. 

A SECOND place where millions of us hang a marked-down price tag around our necks is in the field of etiquette. You don't have to crook your little finger when drinking tea. Nor do you have to bow from the waist when meeting a fair lady. Are you afraid to be your best? Is the silly fear that friends may think you affected ruining your chances for success? Get rid of that bugaboo today!

Say, you’re introduced to a fair lady. But good manners are part of the equipment which helps men and women realize the most from life. You can excuse, perhaps, mistakes if caused by ignorance, particularly when a person’s heart is kindly. Although, the personnel director of a great organization said to the writer recently; “I used to excuse mistakes of ignorance. I don’t any longer. With all the literature and courses available today, If one cares, one need not be ignorant!” Our point, again, in this article, however, is are you afraid to show your best self?

Are you afraid of what people will say or think? If so, let this be said at once. You don’t deserve to get ahead! If you are so juvenile mentally that you’re afraid to live up to the highest standard you know, you deserve to stay in a narrow rut. Are you afraid you'll be labeled a Sir Galahad if you rise when a lady enters the room? Does it give you an uneasy feeling to seat a lady at the table, or hold a car door? If it does, it's about time that you are overcoming such a silly fear. 

A CERTAIN young woman in her early 30s is covering a cracking heart and withering soul these days. Mary, as we will call her, went through my school, graduated from a business college, and immediately went to work in the office of a great insurance corporation. Mary is a wonderfully capable girl. She had spirit, friendliness, and a willingness to work. She has had two love affairs. The men were fine chaps I hoped she’d marry but had a hunch she wouldn’t. Mary’s weakness, and a terribly tragic one it is, is a casual disregard of courtesies and good manners, which for some perverted reason she believes indicates sophistication and alleged smartness. 

For example, she tells off-color stories. In a restaurant, she talks a little too loudly. Her evening dresses are just enough on the extreme side to call attention to her. She thinks it’s smart to slump down in a chair. She holds her cigarette at a tough angle. Little things? Sure! But tragic! She knows better. She has a fear of being a good little girl of being her best. She made a remark once about a charming girl that labeled herself. “Jane's never shocked anyone in her life. She's good enough to eat.” 

But Jane has a grand family. She started in the same office with Mary but climbed up to a private secretary’s position quickly. Mary is afraid to be her best self. And life’s deepest satisfactions and best rewards are passing her by. YES, people hang a weight around their necks because they don’t dare be their best selves in speech and manners. There’s a third area where we are very young in our mental processes. And that is in the field of giving our best to our jobs. Whether we work for ourselves or for someone else, the mature attitude should be to give our best. 

Millions of Americans are plodding along in obscure, routine jobs because of a foolish, juvenile fear. They are afraid of what others will say if they work a little longer than the scheduled day! They are afraid of their peers’ opinions if they study up about the business! They are afraid of comments if they deliberately set out to make themselves more valuable to the company! Good manners do not imply mid-Victorian conduct. Finger-crooking while drinking at tea and frilled waist-bending by now are passé. “Such people deserve to walk in the shadows of this false ogre.

IT takes a lot of determination to surrender entertainment and recreation to study but it pays off in pay raises and better jobs. The individual who is consistently trying to do a better job will not be overlooked. You are cheating yourself, as well as your employer, if you are not giving your best. And you are definitely robbing yourself of the opportunity to succeed. 

Back in the giddy days before Depression, it was a favorite school sport to laugh at the “grinds,” those hard-working students who sacrificed amusements and dates for study. There was a false belief current that a Phi Beta Kappa key would never open the door to success. It was smart to just get by nothing more. And those who just got by, with passing grades, are doing that now, grumbling because opportunity passed them. Not all the grinds have achieved material success. You may know some of them. But their failure can be traced to other factors. At least they have the satisfaction of knowing that they have given their best efforts. The classroom dunce can blame only himself. 

THERE’S a fourth category of folks who cheat themselves. Those who neglect their clothes. The era of sloppiness has ended. But there are still people who are afraid of being called “dudes” if they dress up for their job. I have little patience with these individuals. Grooming and dress are personal attributes that cannot be neglected. The employee who is sloppy in dress is almost invariably sloppy in his work. A secretary with a dirty neck isn't going to take pains to turn out a perfect letter. The boss may not notice unshined shoes or a run in your stocking today. But he will notice you if you always look exceptionally neat and well groomed. It costs so little to look your best. Now is the time to take stock of your own shortcomings and to correct them. 

The business world is full of opportunities for alert young men and women, who will be the leaders of the country tomorrow. You can’t afford to miss the chance. The best machinist, the best secretary, the best office boy are being moved up rapidly. Stay out of a rut or be left behind. Each year when a certain high school principal addresses his graduating class, he takes as his text: “Don't be afraid to be your best!” For unless we try to be and act our best, we'll never know how much life may have for us. Life’s saddest words for millions are, “It might have been different, if I’d always lived up to my best.” — (Hayden Pearson, The Sun Magazine, Printed In U. S. A.), 1941

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Social Etiquette Rules for Men of 1912

Two much of a good thing? —THE sad news has come to us that the beautifully dressed man is no more. And the fact is deplored that there are no more dudes in America. The truth is that all men are dressing and looking better today, so that there are no exceptional few as existed some years ago.

Today Almost Every Man Appears in an Evening Dress When He Goes to the Theatre or Opera and Men Are Dressing Better Today Than Ever Before

THE sad news has come to us that the beautifully dressed man is no more. And the fact is deplored that there are no more dudes in America. The truth is that all men are dressing and looking better today, so that there are no exceptional few as existed some years ago. A handsomely dressed man a few years ago was a conspicuous character, regarded as a fop and laughed at by those who didn't know

Today men take as much care of their faces and skin as do women All the barbers give facial massage. Cold creams are used to beautify men's faces; powder is selected of the finest quality, “to use after shaving.” Hot towels are used to steam out the lines and crow's feet No end of electric devices are invented, and men get them before they reach the departments for women…

We all know how sensitive men are about their hair. Scarcely a man would prefer to be bald to being fat. And prefer to be bald to being fat. And yet they will wear their hats in and out of the office, causing circulation to stop in the top of their heads and killing the roots of the hair. The reason that women do not become bald is because they never wear their hats tightly pulled down over their heads, but allow air to get to the hair at all times.

The lack of change in the fashions for men's attire leaves little expense for them other than extravagant accessories to their toilets. And the man who affects too many fancy waistcoats and too much jewelry is considered effeminate unless he is sufficiently large and celebrated to defy suspicion A few years ago dress suits could be counted in an audience. Today almost every man appears in an evening dress when he goes to the theatre or opera, another proof that the well-dressed man is not conspicuous nowadays.

Rather the conspicuous man is the one who does not put on evening dress when dining or going to the theatre with women naturally. Business men are about dressing and there are very few of them who would not prefer to wear their business suits until bedtime is only civilization and social rules that compel them to be more than savages.

I often wonder that men who think so much of themselves and who are so susceptible to flattery so often neglect the ordinary rules of toilet and etiquette simply from laziness. They are the first to notice a neglectful woman, yet they are not willing to return the compliment of dress and manners muchless driven to it by love or pride

But such men today are in the minority and a well-groomed man is as fully appreciated as a well-groomed woman. Hence the decadence of the woman dude. Men should remember that when they are criticizing women they must themselves be above criticism. — By Lillian Russell, 1912

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of Dating for Widows

Here a writer offers an idealistic look at what dating in the 1960’s could look like, if a widow kept her standards, and her morals high. — “Many widowed women had led very full, active social lives with their husbands. It is important that these contacts continue. It is going to take quite a bit of tact and skill to handle this part of your life gracefully. What is your setting? Is your house or apartment orderly, fresh, and sparkling; comfortable, softly lighted, furnished tastefully with pleasing colors? Is it a sanctuary for you and a place where you wish to entertain your men and women friends?”

For the mature woman there is a certain etiquette in dating. When a gentleman takes a lady out frequently it is only fitting and gracious that she entertain him in her home in return, or invite him to accompany her to the home of friends whom he may enjoy.

Many widowed women had led very full, active social lives with their husbands. It is important that these contacts continue. It is going to take quite a bit of tact and skill to handle this part of your life gracefully. What is your setting? 

Is your house or apartment orderly, fresh, and sparkling; comfortable, softly lighted, furnished tastefully with pleasing colors? Is it a sanctuary for you and a place where you wish to entertain your men and women friends?

It is important that your home complement you and is a gracious spot to bring friends. This does not mean that it need be lavish or expensive. But please, no chairs in need of recovering or a sofa with sagging springs, or poorly hanging draperies.

Mary had lived in the suburb of a large city ever since her marriage. She and her husband enjoyed their red brick colonial house and big lawn. Over the years they picked up some fine antique furniture and beautiful oriental rugs. They enjoyed entertaining their friends and their children's friends in this gracious house, which they had furnished with such pleasure during his lifetime.

Now that he was gone, Mary realized that she would have to change her way of living drastically. Luckily the two boys were out of college and working. She, too, had to find a position. She had always had a flair for dressmaking and liked fine fabrics and design. Wishing to make the most of this talent, she went into the city to interview with the owner of a ladies’ specialty shop.

Here her enthusiasm and zeal were so infectious that she was engaged as a saleswoman in the of gown salon. Wishing to be near her work and not being able to maintain her house, she sold it and moved into an apartment. It was located on an elm-shaded street that had once had fine old mansions, many of which had been converted into apartments.

Her two-room ground floor apartment had high ceilings, fireplaces, a small but adequate kitchen. French doors off the living room led to a terrace where she had flower boxes spilling over with petunias. This was a perfect setting for her antiques, her lovely old rugs, her fine china and silver - and for Mary, too.

She had a housewarming as soon as she was settled and invited her friends from the suburbs and the few she knew, if only ever so slightly, from the city. This party launched her on an active social life. Because of her friendliness and charm she has many men friends who take her out. She has found to her astonishment that a variety of men are attractive to her for a variety of reasons.

One man may be a divine dancer, another a delightful and interesting conversationalist who entertains at small dinner parties in his home where the food is superb, conversation sparkling, guests interesting. She is home at 11 o'clock after a stimulating evening. She has to have adequate rest to be fresh at her work.

When she entertains at home she plans small dinner parties that can be prepared ahead of time so that she does not need to be in the kitchen for long intervals. She puts the cocktail ingredients out so that her guests can serve themselves after being given the first cocktail.

She always has candlelight and wine, which adds an aura to her simple, well-cooked dinners. Mary always has her wardrobe in order and ready to go. for she never knows when an occasion may come up and she wishes to be ready. Her life is not as predictable as it was when she was married. She believes that she should not miss any opportunity to go out with friends for an enjoyable time.

She is determined not to feel sorry for herself, and she feels that she owes it to her friends to enjoy their company. Consequently her enthusiasm. gayety and friendliness make these occasions memorable to the persons with whom she spends them.

Mary has always placed great value on friendship. Now that she is alone, each and every one of her friends is even more precious. Because she is attractive and a widow, she receives many admiring glances and much attention from men, especially the married men who give her more of a rush than the elusive bachelors and widowers.

The quickest way to lose her women friends, she knows, would be flirt or pay attention to their husbands. She sweetly but firmly declines any invitations from them, preferring to be with unattached men. A lone woman is so very vulnerable. — By Mrs. Donn Sutton, Newspaper Enterprise Assn., 1965

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Holiday Party Etiquette

There are socially appropriate ways to mollify the snubbed hosts, says Maura J. Graber, who owns RSVP Institute of Etiquette in Ontario. Thank them profusely, explain the situation, apologize and send a bouquet, a gift certificate, chocolates or wine the day of the party, she says.

“First Invite” Rule is Golden

ETIQUETTE: Deciding which soirees to attend and how to decline others does matter, experts say. Socialite Pattie Daly Caruso of Palm Desert hates to miss a holiday party. But if several conflict, she resorts to the "relatives first" rule, opting for family gatherings.

"It's important to determine which parties you need to go to," says Caruso, host of the "Valley Views" talk show on Time-Warner cable channel 10 in the Coachella Valley. If two close friends are each throwing simultaneous bashes, she tries to show up at both.

But what if the soirees are counties apart at overlapping times? Go with the first invitation you've accepted, says VictorSeitz, grooming and etiquette author and a professor of marketing at Cal State San Bernardino.

There are socially appropriate ways to mollify the snubbed hosts, says Maura J. Graber, who owns RSVP Institute of Etiquette in Ontario. Thank them profusely, explain the situation, apologize and send a bouquet, a gift certificate, chocolates or wine the day of the party, she says.

She advises holiday party hosts to mail invitations earlier next year, even in October, because December weekends tend to fill up quickly. "There are always friends who will be terribly hurt and expect you to get out of your other plans," Graber says.

What if there's no other party to attend but you want to weasel out of a bash anyway? anyway? "Just decline," says Seitz. "Just say you have another obligation. You don't have to justify a 'no.' But do RSVP. Most people don't even respond. It's sad and disrespectful.”

“Learn to be evasive,” says Graber. “Always thank the person, but don't go overboard. The less said, the better. ‘Oh, too bad. I wish the party were another night, is okay,” she says. “Keep the emotional stuff out of it.”

There's no need to be brutally honest. Sitting in front of the television clipping your toenails definitely constitutes “other plans,” she says. Curling up with a book and a cup of tea could be construed as “family matters. You're part of your family,” Graber says.

Don't let yourself be guilt-tripped. “Some people's feelings will be hurt no matter what,” she says. “There's so much we already feel guilty about, especially around the holidays. We don't need to pile on more.” — By Laurie Lucas, Press Enterprise, 2004

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age San Francisco

I have taken a duplicate of the list in order that future posterity may know something of the personnel of the roster of luminaries who assist in the great work of moulding public sentiment in the metropolitan center of the coast at this enlightened period of pugilism, gaudy deportment and straight-laced etiquette. The numerous “Clubs” may after all ultimately achieve the distinction which the name might seem to indicate. This is evident from the somewhat refreshing and suggestive expose that the Robison-Robertson clash of pens has evolved.

“A Tempest in a Tea-pot”

EDITOR REGISTER: - I am perhaps one of the oldest journalists on the Pacific coast, having been an editor as far back as 1854, and with the exception of a portion of the war period, almost continuously in service ever since. I am not a society man in the modern acceptation of that term, but was fortunate enough a few days ago to obtain from a friend the loan of a volume entitled, “The San Francisco Blue Book,” in the pages of which I discovered a list of the great lights that control the metropolitan press. 

I have taken a duplicate of the list in order that future posterity may know something of the personnel of the roster of luminaries who assist in the great work of moulding public sentiment in the metropolitan center of the coast at this enlightened period of pugilism, gaudy deportment and straight-laced etiquette. The numerous “Clubs” may after all ultimately achieve the distinction which the name might seem to indicate. This is evident from the somewhat refreshing and suggestive expose that the Robison-Robertson clash of pens has evolved. 

“NOTE. The Italics designate the Reception Day, the Bold-Faced Type, the Country Residence”

Now if a duel could only be properly scented as on the tapis as one of the results of this intercine conflict in the classic realm of the “Plug-Hat and Swallow-Tail Brigade,” then Mr. Isaac could complacently fold his arms and serenely contemplate the untoward results of the innocent machinations of a “rough diamond.” Would that the spirit of Horace Greeley could be invoked at this critical juncture to diffuse balm (I don't mean DuBarry Balm) upon this perturbed surface in the excited domain of Bohemia. Verily a crisis has come. What will Ambrose Bierce say? 

If Murat Halstead, Joe McCullah and Stilson Hutchins were here, how they would enjoy the fun! The dudes are seemingly on top as yet, but their sceptre is trembling in the scale and may yet go down before the avenging wrath that common sense and plain home- spun have dared to assert in this very peculiar conflict. So mote it be. — CAPSICUM, San Francisco, June 22, 1889 

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Camping

Camping Etiquette Guidelines

Camping etiquette guidelines are important to know whether you’re an outdoor enthusiast or planning your first weekend in the woods.  These rules will help keep you safe and keep you in good standing with Mother Nature – as well as your campsite neighbors.

Respect the Space

Respect is the foundation of etiquette, and this is most important to remember when spending time in nature.  You are a guest in Mother Nature’s house, and your decisions and actions in how you treat her space can have many consequences.

• Enter lightly and don’t litter.  Bring only what you need to make your time at the campsite comfortable.  The more you bring, the more disruptive you may be to the natural environment.  And the more likely you are to leave something behind.  Make sure you leave your camping space just as you found it.  Clean and natural.
  
  
• Put the fire out.  Campfires are lots of fun!  So many memories are made when sitting around them with people you love.  But campfires can easily turn into forest fires if not extinguished correctly.  Before leaving your campsite or turning in for the night, pour water on it and ensure that nothing within the ashes and embers is still burning or hot.
  
  
• Don’t feed the animals.  It’s adorable when a cute forest animal comes into your campsite and acts friendly.  But it’s not a good thing.  Animals in nature need to belong to their natural world, not to our human world.  Avoid the temptation to make friends with them by feeding them.  Be sure your food is stored away where it cannot be found or accessed by animals.  And make sure all trash is placed in appropriate receptacles or stored away so that critters can’t get to it.
  
  
• Follow the path.  Many campgrounds have driveways and paths winding through them.  These are the driving and walking areas you should stay on.  It’s best not to venture off unless you know the area well, have a valid reason, or take a guided tour.  If you do, you could be putting yourself or someone else in danger.
  
  
• Don’t bring in or take away firewood.  Transporting firewood from one area to another can cause insect infestation that may not have otherwise occurred.  Beetles, moths, and other insects that live in wood in one area now have the opportunity to live and breed in another if you move the wood in which they live.  Most campgrounds or nearby stores sell firewood you can use at your site.  You can learn more at dontmovefirewood.org.

Mind Your Noise Level

When you have a large group camping together, it can easily slide into a party.  This is great, so long as it doesn’t disturb others.  Others being people and animals.

If you are planning a campsite party, check in with other campers near you and let them know they may hear your group.  You may invite them to join you as a courtesy, but definitely invite them to tell you if the noise level is disturbing to them.

A large number of people together in a limited space can get pretty rowdy when a good time is had by all.  Place a time limit on your party so that everyone has an expectation of when things should quiet down.

Keep your music volume at a minimum by bringing your own acoustic instruments.  Modern technology affords us the convenience of using speakers that are only inches in size, but you still need to keep watch on the volume level.

Other Camping Etiquette Rules

If you are camping with children or pets, or both, it is most important to adhere to the rule of staying together.  Educate your children on the rules of nature, as well as the rules of camping etiquette.  However, this is best done when spending time together outdoors rather than conveying instructions.

Know your pets well before deciding to bring them along on a camping trip.  Dogs who bark easily at other people and animals may not be the best campers.  The same goes for those who tend to wander away. 

The camping etiquette guidelines above are important for safety and helping to preserve our natural environment.  But use them in addition to the rules you see posted in the campground in which you are staying.  Each environment of every area and region varies and, therefore, may vary in the rules necessary to keep that environment preserved and safe for campers.

Remember that respect is the key – always.  If you respect the space you’re visiting and the people and animals in your vicinity, your camping etiquette skills will be spot on.  And you can be assured that Mother Nature will continue to welcome you to her home.

 

 Contributor Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1904 “Courtesy Day” Gathering

Burke says: “Good manners are of more importance than law, for upon them the law depends.” — Courtesy actually is contagious… Try spreading some around and see for yourself!

HOSPITALITY A FINE ART

A Paper by Mrs. Alice Colburn at the “Courtesy Day" Gathering Tuesday

Ninth Ward Mothers’ Club Welcomes Representatives of Federated Clubs at Second Congregational Church - Notes of the Session

“Courtesy Day,” which was inaugurated Tuesday afternoon at the Second Congregational church, by the Ninth ward Mothers’ society, and participated in by all the Federated clubs, was a most enjoyable affair, and proved conclusively that club women know how to co-operate - cordially and heartily - in all things which tend to mutual helpfulness.

The church was beautifully decorated in white and green. The officers of the Federation and presidents of the several clubs, occupied the platform with Mrs. Sechrist, President of the Ninth Ward Mothers’ society, In the chair. Mrs. Evans opened the program with instrumental music. Mrs. Sechrist led in the Lord’s prayer, after which she welcomed the guests most cordially, and in a happy fashion, Mrs. Carey responded for the Federation. Mrs. Langworthy tendered the greetings of the San Diego club: Mrs. Hubbs for the Sherman Heights Mothers’ club; Mrs. Johnson for Pacific Beach: Mrs. Slocum the National City Mothers’ society: Miss Hale the Channing club, and Miss Thompson the Shakespeare club.

A delightful song was then sung by Mrs. N. E. Van Haren. Miss Hale tendered the greeting of the East school teachers, and Mrs. Crawford followed with a recitation of one of Browning’s poems, given, with much expression. Mrs. Comfort, Vice President of the Federation, was then called for, and though she said she “didn't belong anywhere,” she made a very bright, happy speech. Mrs. Gates, whom the club is always glad to have with it, sang a beautiful song, and graciously responded to an encore. 

A FINE ART

Mrs. Alice Colburn read the paper of the afternoon, “Hospitality as a Fine Art.” She said that the man who made the first map of the earth’s surface had a comparatively easy task, for he was not obliged to respect the prejudices or the land marks of his predecessors. But the last maker of atlases has a very different work; not an island or a cape can he omit, and yet he is supposed to create a new work. There is much the same difficulty in trying to write a new discourse on so old a theme as pleasant words and agreeable manners. We live in an age of good breeding, an atmosphere of kindly courtesy and tactful manners. We are preeminently freedom loving people. 

“In America there is no person, or set of persons, who has a right to dictate to us as to our social conduct. But there exists no difference of opinion as to the genral principles on which good manners are founded. In European countries it is the privilege of the court to lay down the laws which govern all, social etiquette. To be loved is the desire of all to be respected, honored and successful, is the universal ambition. We strive for the acquisition of wealth, social distinction, and when we have so attained and sum It all up, the real enjoyment lies in the kindly courtesies and words which have been bestowed upon us. Contentment and love are the two important factors which bring happiness. 

“Burke says: ‘Good manners are of more importance than law, for upon them the law depends.’  Emerson says ‘manners are the revealers of secrets, the betrayers of any disproportionments in mind and character.’ The bond between host and guest has at all times been considered of a peculiar, even sacred, character. In ancient Rome hospitality was a matter of religion, and a violation of its duties was thought to provoke the wrath of the gods. A stranger was guarded from harm during his stay, and upon leaving was presented with gifts, and a love token was broken between them. 

“The customs of the Italians were similar to those of the Greeks. The Englishmen’s views are different; love of liberty and a fondness for domestic life are the strongest traits of the Briton. He therefore places his home and surroundings at the disposal of his guest, that he may employ his time as best suits him until the dinner hour, when he is expected to contribute his share to the general enjoyment. The hospitality of the Jews is so sacred, so picturesque in detail, that we involuntarily accord it our mutual respect. The French value most highly the conversational powers, and consider the mere supplying of food and drink as inferior hospitality.

"We Americans are as active and energetic in hospitality and in other things, and are apt to weary our guests with too many amusements, and a surplus of entertainment. Kindly words, cordiality and politeness, should govern the home, and the guest should be made to feel that he or she belongs there for the time being. One of the most striking changes in our manners is to be found in the surrender of the scepter of hospitality to the hands of woman. The host has become of little importance. 

“A truly hospitable woman does not keep too strict a credit account with society. It is said that country people are the most hospitable, and we go to the country because we are tired of the town, and wish for rest and quiet- and something genuine. Entertainment is an art which requires much study.

“One who can readily adapt herself to her surroundings is much to be envied. The guest is equally responsible with her hostess for the enjoyment of her visit, and should be responsive and show appreciation of all efforts made to entertain her. Time was when it was considered ill-bred to praise any of our hostess belongings - pictures, the artistic setting of a room, pretty china, etc…. But we have become more sensible; tactful, sincere praise and words of appreciation bring happiness, 

“Someone has said: ‘Womanhood is more than minatory power, law or wealth, no race can rise higher than the quality and character of its women. Years of training may be ruined by the lack of right influence and encouragement.’

“The question is asked, ‘Is society of any use to mankind?’ If we use it simply from a selfish motive, we can hardly expect to be benefitted, but if we go into it with the true desire to do and get all, the good we can, it will be truly helpful. It is evident that good, must predominate, or society with its rules, its petty laws, its great warm life, would long since have faded into nothing.”

NO DISCUSSION 

This most enjoyable paper was listened to with intense interest. There was room though for discussion. Mrs. Langworthy was called upon to answer numerous questions, and give much information concerning the coming biennial, which many club women are anticipating. A social hour, with light refreshments, followed, and the guests voted the first “courtesy day” a decided success. — The San Diego Daily Union, 1904

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dining Etiquette of Kings and Queens

It is said that King Edward VII made many changes to Dining in England during his time is King. He famously banished fish knives and forks from royal dining tables, condemning them as “very common.” This sentiment reflected a class divide of the era, where the upper-class “old money” aristocracy viewed the use of specialized fish cutlery as a tacky trait of the newly rich. The aristocracy used a fork on both the right and left sides of the plate to eat their fish. The King was also the one who started the custom of eating asparagus with his fingers at the table, and It was during the Edwardian Era that women could go into a restaurants on accompanied by men for the first time and feel comfortable. — An intimate table with settings fit for a King or Queen

Unique Principles of Table Etiquette of the European Monarchies

Among the Royal Courts of Europe, the dining table has always been far more than a place to eat. It is a stage — carefully choreographed, rich in symbolism and steeped in centuries of tradition. And yet, while the Monarchies of Europe share a common foundation of formal dining protocol, fascinating differences reveal the distinct character of each royal house.

In Britain, the Royal table is governed by strict precedence. Guests follow the sovereign's lead in all things — no one begins eating before the Monarch, and no one continues once the King or Queen has finished. Menus at Buckingham Palace were traditionally written in French for centuries, a custom only recently relaxed. The placement of cutlery, the folding of napkins and the sequence of courses follow rules that have changed little in over a hundred years.

The Spanish Royal House blends formal European protocol with the warmth characteristic of Spanish culture. The *sobremesa* — that cherished post-meal conversation — finds its place even at the most formal of royal tables, reflecting the deeply human side of Spanish hospitality.

In Sweden, Norway and Denmark, the Scandinavian Monarchies maintain formal protocol while embracing a notably more relaxed and egalitarian spirit at the table. Toasts are an important ritual, led by the host, and eye contact during a toast is considered a mark of sincerity and respect.

What unites all European Royal tables, however, is the understanding that dining is a diplomatic art. Every detail — from the arrangement of crystal to the order of precedence at seating — communicates respect, hierarchy and cultural identity.

True elegance is never accidental. It is the result of intention, hard work, knowledge and a genuine desire to honor those seated beside you.

Meet our newest contributor, Isabel. E. Martinez, who was educated in Business Management at the Universidad Católica Andrés Bello, in Caracas, Venezuela. After relocating for a few years to Miami, Florida, Isabel developed a company teaching computer skills. Among her clients were Baccardi in Bermuda, and Mavesa, Telcel (Movistar), and Heinz in Venezuela. That is when she discovered her passion for teaching. As her children became adults, she shifted her focus and dedicated her time to teach on subjects she is very passionate about; Hospitality and Table Etiquette. Throughout workshops in English and in Spanish, Isabel works with employees in the hospitality industry, and those business professionals who when interacting with customers, would like to make sure that they are the most professional representations of their companies. Especially when attending business lunches and events. She also offers youth and teen courses in etiquette, helping them to excel with integrity and pride in whatever field they desire to pursue. To learn more about Isabel, visit her website: www.learningschool2.com or @isasetiquette 

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia