Gilded Age “Easy Etiquette Lessons”

“… a ‘plug’ hat is such a comfortable thing to hold in one's hand. When you can't think of anything to say, you can stroke the hat the wrong way, and then exert your energies during the rest of the visit to getting it smooth again. And then, if occasion demands, you can use it as a cuspidor.” —According to Wikipedia, “A plug hat in the 1800s was a tall, cylindrical stiff hat with a narrow brim, largely synonymous with a top hat or stovepipe hat.”

Easy Lessons in Etiquette…

Etiquette Humor of the Gilded Age

We have been profoundly interested in a work that has just been sent us, the author whereof, Professor B. F. Fanning, aims to give the world easy lessons in etiquette for gentlemen. It is a useful work. Among other things, the professor says a gentleman “never fails to lift his hat to a minister of the gospel.” Possibly, but the minister would a great deal rather see the gentleman lift his pew rent.

“No gentleman,” says the professor, “Ever gives a military salute to a lady.” Well, hardly; we should say he wouldn't. The military salute varies from a simple graceful wave of the hand to three ruffles of the drum's color, trumpets sounding the flourish and arms presented, and so on up to the President, who is entitled to a salute of twenty-one guns, and “the highest honors - all standards and colors dropping, officers and troops saluting, drums beating and trumpets sounding.”

Now if the gentlemen of America got in the habit of raising such a racket as that every time they met a lady, it would be rather more startling than a chronic Fourth of July. Professor Fanning is correct. This sort of thing wants to be discouraged. “When calling on a new lady acquaintance, the hat should be taken to the parlor and held in the hand.”

This is one of the best instructions in the book. When you don't know all about the lady and her family, young man, freeze to your hat all the time. We once knew a young lady who kept her father and four brothers in nice, new stylish hats all the time, by simply instructing the servant to just skin the hat-rack every time a young man with a giddy hat was fresh enough to leave his hat in the hall. 

We'll bet a dollar Professor Fanning has been there himself. And then, besides, a “plug” hat is such a comfortable thing to hold in one's hand. When you can't think of anything to say, you can stroke the hat the wrong way, and then exert your energies during the rest of the visit to getting it smooth again. And then, if occasion demands, you can use it as a cuspidor. “A gentleman,” says the professor, with becoming severity, “never dances with his overcoat on.”

“A gentleman,” continues the professor, “always wears gloves.” This is solemn, sober, earnest, inspired truth. When you meet a person anywhere, in the street, in the cellar, at the lunch stand, in swimming, in bed, and you see he wears no gloves, shun that person. He is no gentleman; Professor Fanning says so, and Professor Fanning knows. Why, a real gentleman wears gloves when he washes his hands and when he trims his nails.

“Always,” insists the professor, “offer your hand to a lady with the back of the hand down.” If you don't believe this, try offering the hand to a lady with the back of it up. The lady will immediately kick the stuffing out of you. “Use the fingers,”remarks the professor, “with grace and delicacy.”

Yes, try scratching your head with them, for practice. When you are able to do that gracefully and delicately, you can let your fingers go their own ways at their own sweet will. They will have attained the perfection of grace and delicacy. - The Hawk-Eye, 1879

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Amy Vanderbilt on Children’s Table Manners

When answering a query submitted to her, Amy Vanderbilt shared the notes that she made while dining with her own children. After all, one of the best ways to find out what children need to learn, is to dine at the same table with them. Above, Etiquipedia has always enjoyed dining with her children and grandchildren.

Children’s Table Manners

“DEAR MISS VANDERBILT: Please give us some more suggestions we can pass on to our children concerning table manners.” Mrs. C. L., Fayetteville, N.C.

Here are some notes that I made one evening while having dinner alone with my two younger boys. You can see that they, like other little boys their age, are in the process of learning, too. They weren't born with built-in good manners. Here are some of the things I had to remind them about - gently.

1. Don't put your face in your food. Sit up nicely and bring your fork up to your mouth without bending too closely over your plate.

2. Don't lick your fingers.

3. Never put your knife in your mouth.

4. Don't fill your mouth with milk or water. First wipe your lips after eating, then take a sip, then wipe your mouth again before resuming eating.

5. Don't pick up your dessert dish. Leave it on the table.

6. Take the little fish bones out of your mouth between thumb and forefinger and place them on the side of your plate.

7. Don't sing at the table.

8. Don't tilt your chair back - it's dangerous as well as bad manners.

9. If you cough, cover your mouth with your napkin or your hand.

— By Amy Vanderbilt in the Eagle Rock Sentinel, 1959

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1960’s Cocktail Party Etiquette

1960’s era cocktail parties were popular with guests and a welcome change for hostesses from the labor intensive dinner parties of just a decade earlier. The relaxed and casual atmospheres of cocktail parties with their fun themes, along with plenty of alcohol and buffets filled with bacon wrapped canapés, cheese balls, crackers and crudités, were a welcome diversion during a busy work week. Etiquette for hosts and hostesses emphasized a careful guest selection process, a stylish presentation of foods and a mix of classic and newly created cocktails. Guests could relax without seeing the planning behind the party and could make an appearance for as brief as 30 minutes or longer, without feeling obligated to stay from start to finish.

DEAR MISS VANDERBILT: Recently I was invited to my employer's house for cocktails. The invitation said “Cocktails between 3 p.m. and 7 p.m.” Were we expected to stay the entire time? — Mrs, R.Q., San Francisco.

MRS. R.Q.: No. About half-an hour between those hours would have been appropriate.

— Amy Vanderbilt in the Oakland Tribune, 1965

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for a Non-Host’s Non-Guest

What kind of birthday party invitation is it if there is no host to pick up the tab? It’s a non-party invitation and you can treat it as such. If a friend asks you to join her for a birthday dinner at an expensive establishment and she is not offering to pay for your meal, you can politely wish her a happy birthday in advance, thank her for wanting to include you, and tell her your budget will not allow you to be there to celebrate with her. You can always suggest another restaurant that is priced more to your budget, but if she is offended by your honesty, that is her issue. It is not yours.

The Nonsense of Turning Down a Non-Invitation 

Dear Miss Manners: A friend recently invited me to a non-hosted dinner at one of our city's finest restaurants in honor of her birthday. I had to work that evening, and so declined her invitation gracefully (I hope), with a promise of taking her to lunch at a more, shall we say, proletarian eating establishment. However, she knows my work schedule is somewhat flexible, and seems hurt that I haven't made arrangements to be there.

The truth is, an evening at that restaurant would simply cost far too much without me making a spectacle of myself by ordering a starter salad and glass of water (tap), and saying, "No, really, I'm not that hungry." Most of us in our group of friends are on limited budgets, and I know others who genuinely like this person and are attending somewhat grudgingly. Is there any way to politely inform her that we would enjoy celebrating her birthday in a manner that doesn't require a month's grocery budget?

Gentle Reader. You did, and she didn't take it well. Miss Manners finds it a bit of a stretch for a non-host to be offended when a non-guest declines a non-invitation. Besides, you were gracious enough to indicate an interest in celebrating her birthday another way. We can only hope that your friend will mature enough to figure out the prob- lem before next year. — By Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners, 2003

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Used Utensil Placement

At the end of the meal the knife and fork should be placed together, fork left, knife right with the blade facing in, across the center of the plate so there is no danger of their falling off when the plate is removed.

“DEAR MISS VANDERBILT: Will you please tell me the proper place for the knife during a meal after it has once been used? Also, where should the silver be placed at the finish of a meal? I do not like to see the knife propped on the side of the plate with the handle on the table.” — M. J., , South Bend, Ind.

“The knife should be placed across the, top right rim of the plate while not in use. At the end of the meal the knife and fork should be placed together, fork left, knife right with the blade facing in, across the center of the plate so there is no danger of their falling off when the plate is removed. The knife and fork are put in this position, too, when a plate is passed to the host or hostess for second servings.” — Amy Vanderbilt, in the Oakland Tribune, 1965

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

How Etiquette Evolved in the 1970’s

By 1976, Elizabeth Post approved of carrying away leftovers from dinner in some restaurants, especially considering the high cost of food at the time. “You shouldn't take gooey things,” she said, “but it's only sensible to take steak or a chicken leg or an untouched chop or half a loaf of bread. Not at a really fancy restaurant, of course. But a really good restaurant is not apt to serve too much.”

A trip to Alaska changed Elizabeth Post’s mind about the propriety of accepting doggy bags in restaurants when faced with a meal too large to eat.

“We were served the most enormous portions seen any place,” said Mrs. Post, granddaughter-in-law of etiquette authority Emily Post. “Even the men in our party couldn't begin to finish them. The waiter asked if we wanted to take the (leftover) steak with us for a picnic tomorrow.”

The answer was a unanimous “yes.” In an interview, Mrs. Post talked about changing manners and mores in the 1970s.

She deplored the service of large portions in restaurants. “It's just terrible when they bring huge portions uninvited. Men can eat them, but women can't.”

While she now approves of carrying away leftovers from dinner in some restaurants, especially considering the high cost of food, “You shouldn't take gooey things,” she said, “but it's only sensible to take steak or a chicken leg or an untouched chop or half a loaf of bread. Not at a really fancy restaurant, of course. But a really good restaurant is not apt to serve too much.”

At the same time, Mrs. Post disapproves of ordering one portion for two persons in most restaurants.

“It isn't fair to the restaurant. You are paying for one meal, but using two places.”

Since 1944 Mrs. Post has carried on her grandmother-in-law's tradition of writing about etiquette. She has a syndicated column and has updated Emily Post's Etiquette, a book first published in 1922. It reflects the present Mrs. Post’s new attitude about doggy bags and other changing social customs, including showers and birth announcements for unwed mothers. But some things never change, she said.

"Table manners exist for a very good reason. They were devised to make eating more attractive. Chewing with your mouth open is not, for instance.

“Weddings are largely unchanged. The majority of girls still wear white, still have bridesmaids and ushers, still exchange vows and promises, still have receptions with toasts to the bride and bridegroom and still have flowers.”

She said many readers ask how to handle introductions of their daughter's housemate of the opposite sex.

"I would say, ‘This is my daughter's friend, John.’ I don't think it is necessary to say more.

“I have had lots of interesting conversations about this. One friend in Vermont (where Mrs. Post and her husband, William, live) introduces her daughter's friend as ‘my son-outlaw.’ I also know people who say co-habitant or co-vivant.”

She also gets questions from people like the couple who took their infant daughter along when a neighbor asked them to drop in for cocktails and supper, but didn't say it was going to be a party. They were appalled to discover that a dozen or more guests were expected. The wife said they felt so out of place they apologized and went home.

People also ask what to do about bringing an uninvited guest.

“It is almost always possible to ask if you can bring someone,” Mrs. Post said. “It is perfectly possible for a hostess to say, ‘no.’”

But she also should say why, Mrs. Post said, and add, “I'm terribly sorry, I'll get you another time.” — By United Press International in the Hanford Journal, 1976

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Miss Manners’ Halloween Ground Rules

Most adults agree, “Trick or Treating” is for those under 13 only. —
“… Every year, I drag out all of my decorations, buy candy, put on my costume and wait to hear the joyous sounds of little children shouting, "Trick or treat!" I always enjoy the sense of merriment I experience through the children.” — Image from Etiquipedia private library.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Teen-agers who arrive without a costume, cigarettes aglow, hanging all over their latest squeeze, with a pillowcase as a trick or treat sack, have made many of my neighbors consider turning off the lights and locking the door during Halloween. My next-door neighbor has literally been cursed for having run out of candy!

I personally spend what I consider a generous amount (over $100) on candy to give to young children. I do it because when I was a child, the people in my community did it for me. It was a magical time of make-believe.

So every year, I drag out all of my decorations, buy candy, put on my costume and wait to hear the joyous sounds of little children shouting, "Trick or treat!" I always enjoy the sense of merriment I experience through the children.

I resent, however, giving candy to people who are bigger than I and should be looking for a job instead of handouts of candy.

I find it more than a little discouraging that parents haven't shown or explained to their youngsters the appropriate behavior for this activity; clearly, they have not. My parents would have whipped me for rudeness I have encountered when they got wind of it - and they would have certainly heard from the offended party. 

I would like to propose some guidelines that will make Halloween a pleasant experience for everyone:

1. Children under 13 only (unless you are escorting a younger brother or sister).

2. Limit your rounds to 6 to 8 p.m. (before six you interrupt dinner; after eight you interrupt rest).

3. While elaborate costumes are unnecessary, any attempt at dressing up is appreciated.

4. Say, "Trick-or-treat!" once the door is opened to you.

5. Once the treat has been given do not:

A. make remarks about the amount or nature of the treat (remember you do not have to be given anything);

B. ask for seconds for your "sick little sister" (just share what you get with her).

6. Then say, "Thank you," for heaven's sake!

I truly think that everyone would enjoy Halloween more if such guidelines were followed. I plan to have fun no matter how inconsiderate others may be, and I hope the children that come to my door all have a safe and fun Halloween.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners welcomes you to the etiquette business. Instead of shutting your doors and blaming the children, you understand that the problem is ignorance of the rules, and you have taken the trouble to supply them.

She might question you about some details: What about children who are too shy to make the required announcement? Is an age cut-off that important if the people are in costume and in the spirit of the occasion? (And how can you tell nowadays whether a teen-ager is in costume?) Shouldn't you alert people to respond to excessive demands by saying gently, "Please wait until everybody has had firsts" or "I'm saving these for the little ones"?

But that should not obscure her hearty basic agreement with you. Without its rules and traditions, trick-or-treating is indistinguishable from mugging. And why would anyone willingly open the doors to that? — Judith Martin in the Ventura County Star, 1998

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Spotlight on Gabriella Kanyok

                                

Meet our Contributor in the Spotlight for November, Gabriella Kanyok

Meet Gabriella Kanyok, a diplomatic protocol, etiquette and communication expert with more than 18 years of international experience working with EU institutions, NGOs, international organizations and professionals.

She advises and trains professionals, executives and representatives of international organizations in diplomatic protocol, business etiquette and cross-cultural communication. Her professional experience includes working with the European Parliament, diplomatic missions and international organizations.

Gabriella holds a Master’s degree in International Studies and a second Master’s degree in Protocol and Soft Diplomacy. She is the founder of Etiquette.hu and the creator of Mannersville – The City of Manners (Illemváros), an educational board game designed to develop children's social skills through play. She is also the creator of Calm Confidence, a specialised programme exploring etiquette, social awareness and practical communication for adults with ADHD and highly sensitive individuals.

She speaks Hungarian, English and French.

Below are links to Gabriella Kanyok’s articles on etiquette which you’ll find on Etiquipedia:

• Forest Visiting Etiquette
• Social Etiquette and Masked Messaging
• The United Nations’ White Chair
• Black Tie Etiquette
• The Etiquette of Smiles

The following is a Q&A with Gabriella:

What was the impetus for starting your Etiquette business or career involving Etiquette?

About 16 years ago, I recognised a significant gap in the availability of etiquette professionals, particularly in Europe and specifically in Hungary. While working at the European Parliament, I observed how customs and social expectations varied from one country to another. I realised that if etiquette—both general and international business etiquette—were more widely taught throughout Europe, it could greatly benefit professionals in their daily interactions.

Upon my return to Hungary, I served as a protocol officer at the Trade Office of the Embassy of the Republic of the Sudan in Budapest, where I became deeply involved in diplomatic protocol. This experience further highlighted the growing need for business etiquette and cross-cultural communication.

In 2017, I took a significant step by launching my business, Etiquette.hu, to share my knowledge and expertise in this essential field. Over time, my work has evolved beyond traditional etiquette training to include educational product development and specialized programs that explore how social awareness and communication can be applied in everyday life.

“It is particularly rewarding to see how small adjustments in communication or behavior can make a meaningful difference in people's professional and social interactions.” - Gabriella Kanyok

What do you find the most enjoyable about what you do with regard to Etiquette in your work?

During my studies for my second master's degree in diplomatic protocol, I developed a passion for table manners and the art of setting a table beautifully for different meals and occasions. What began as a professional interest has grown into a cherished hobby, allowing me to create diverse table settings and share them on my Instagram page and blog. A beautifully arranged table truly fills my heart with joy.

I also find great satisfaction in sharing my knowledge through real-life examples and stories from my own professional experiences. It is particularly rewarding to see how small adjustments in communication or behavior can make a meaningful difference in people's professional and social interactions.

I firmly believe that manners are always in style. Etiquette is not simply about following rules; it helps us protect the feelings of others, communicate more effectively, navigate cultural differences and make positive first impressions.


      

I find great satisfaction in sharing my knowledge through real-life examples, recounting stories of my own challenges and successes as I navigated my career. It’s rewarding to witness the transformations in others, especially when small adjustments in communication or behavior lead to significant outcomes, such as promotions or perfect dates.

What do you find the most rewarding aspect of your career regarding Etiquette?

The most rewarding aspect of my career is seeing people become more confident and capable in different social and professional situations. I particularly enjoy helping individuals refine their communication, professional presence and understanding of social expectations.

I find it especially meaningful when people begin to recognise that etiquette is not about perfection or rigid rules, but about understanding the situation, showing consideration and knowing how to respond appropriately.

I also enjoy sharing my passion for etiquette through educational content, writing and creative projects. Developing Mannersville, my educational board game, has given me the opportunity to introduce social skills and behavioural awareness to children in a playful and interactive way.

Ultimately, knowing that my work can help people communicate with greater confidence, consideration and social awareness is incredibly fulfilling.


                                

Proper etiquette not only aids in securing jobs and promotions but also fosters strong relationships within the workplace. 

What types of classes or training do you offer, if any? If you don’t offer classes or training, how do you share your expertise?

I offer a diverse range of training programmes, workshops and educational initiatives that explore etiquette, social intelligence and communication across different age groups and professional settings.

My work includes Business Etiquette and Diplomatic Protocol, supporting professionals, executives and organisations in navigating international business environments, formal occasions and cross-cultural interactions. I also deliver tailored corporate training, private consultations and workshops on international dining etiquette, professional conduct and effective social communication.

Alongside my professional training programmes, I have developed two distinctive initiatives.

Mannersville – The City of Manners (Illemváros) is my original educational board game, designed to help children develop social skills, communication and everyday behavioural awareness through play. It offers an interactive, discussion-based approach to learning, making etiquette accessible and engaging for children, families and educational institutions.

Calm Confidence is a specialised programme designed for adults with ADHD and highly sensitive individuals. It explores how etiquette, social awareness and practical communication strategies can support greater confidence and ease in everyday social and professional situations. The programme draws on my experience in etiquette and behavioural communication, with a particular focus on navigating social expectations without losing one's individuality.

I also share my expertise through articles, interviews, educational content, professional presentations and social media. My approach combines practical knowledge, international experience and real-life examples, with the belief that etiquette is not simply about following rules, but about understanding people, situations and the impact of our behaviour.
                           

“Mannersville,” Gabriella’s board game 

—Photo courtesy of index.hu

What age group do you enjoy working with most when it comes to etiquette? And why?

I particularly enjoy working with adolescents and young adults, especially young professionals, as they begin their educational and professional journeys. This is a pivotal stage in life when communication habits, social awareness and professional behaviour can have a lasting impact.

At the same time, developing Mannersville has opened up another important dimension of my work: introducing social skills and everyday manners to younger children. I believe that the foundations of respectful communication and consideration for others can be developed from an early age, especially when learning is interactive and enjoyable.

Working with different age groups allows me to explore how etiquette can be adapted to people's needs and everyday situations, while remaining relevant throughout life.

Who are some of the older etiquette authors or authorities you enjoy reading most?

I greatly admire established etiquette authors and authorities whose insights resonate with my own values in the field. I also find the resources available through Etiquipedia invaluable.

I believe that learning from colleagues in the etiquette community is essential. While there are general guidelines that govern etiquette, each of us brings a unique perspective shaped by our professional background, cultural environment and personal experiences. This diversity enriches our understanding and helps us all grow in this ever-evolving field.

If you would like to reach Gabriella, you can contact her via her website https://www.etiquette.hu/en/ or find her on Instagram @kgetiquette

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia