A Little on Correspondence Etiquette

A 19th century lap desk, hidden inside what looks like a book of Shakespeare’s works. It opens to stow one’s stationary, pens, ink, etc… – Don’t underscore! “Underscoring is often carried to an absurd excess, especially by very young ladies, who italicize every other word and thus rob their emphasis of all real significance. No word should be underscored unless its importance is very great.”

The Closing of a Letter

Letters of a formal character should be closed with some formal expression, as "Your obedient servant." "Yours truly," "Yours very truly," and "Yours respectfully," are reserved for business letters. "Cordially yours," "Faithfully yours," "Affectionately yours," are familiar forms for use in friendly correspondence, but ingenious people will frame a now set of words for every occasion, fitting them, as Wilkins Micawber was wont to do, to the state of his mind or to the object of his letter.

Neatness

Great care should be taken to avoid blotting and blur. ring. It is neither a compliment to your correspondent nor to yourself to send a letter or note marred by splotches. and blurr of ink. It is also inexcusable to cross your lines, as if stingy of paper as well as indifferent to the eyes of the one to whom you write. The whole sheet may be filled, if desired, but criss-crossing must never be indulged.

Underscoring

Underscoring is often carried to an absurd excess, especially by very young ladies, who italicize every other word and thus rob their emphasis of all real significance. No word should be underscored unless its importance is very great. - From “Our Manners And Social Customs,” by Daphne Dale, 1891

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1920’s Correspondence Etiquette

For the informal letter there are no arbitrary rules, except the social laws of common courtesy, and one may express his thoughts in his own best way.

Every letter one writes introduces anew the problem of what expressions to open with. Each letter presents a viewpoint of its own and requires a distinctive and separate approach. No set rule to cover all cases can be given, fortunately.

One general law may safely be given: First and foremost, do not begin a letter with an abrupt apology for neglect and delay. No one likes to receive a communication which opens with an admission of neglect, delay or worse behaviors. A formal note must not exceed one page in length is written on the first page only. The social letter is either formal or informal.

The formal letter must be written according to socially established practice. It is employed for invitations to formal affairs, for announcements, and in the acknowledgment of these letters. The third person is always used. When one receives a letter written in the third person one replies in kind. In formal notes and letters, the hour and date are written out in letters, no figures being used.

For the informal letter there are no arbitrary rules, except the social laws of common courtesy, and one may express his thoughts in his own best way. In any correspondence certain observances are requisite, namely:

• Correct spelling, capital letters at the beginning of each sentence.
• A new paragraph with the start of every new subject.
• Periods, commas and question marks in proper places.
• A blank margin on each side of the writing. 
• Do not substitute dashes for proper punctuation.

— “From Etiquette of Correspondence, A Tuckaway Book for Milady's Desk,” by Belle Brandt, 1928

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Early 20th C. Correspondence Etiquette

Out of every hundred successful men and women, ninety-nine are punctilious letter writers — A late 19th century lady’s lap- desk or travel writing desk, disguised as a book of Shakespeare’s Complete Works.

Answer All Letters Promptly

“A man may write any time if he set himself doggedly to do it.” —Samuel Johnson

I have found that out of every hundred successful men and women, ninety-nine are punctilious letter writers. One of the first things the man who wants to win in politics does, is to establish strict rules for answering letters. It would be safe to say that no man who has been elected to a high political office has ever done so without the aid of careful habits in regard to letter writing.

Surely no man has ever become President of the United States within late years, who has not early formed the habit of attention to answering letters. If you doubt this, read the biographies of Roosevelt, of Lincoln, of Cleveland, of any of the other men who have lived in the White House. And if big men like that haven't been able to win out without writing letters, how can you hope to do so?

The social leader whether she leads society with a capital “S” or is president of the woman’s club in a town of 10,000 or the most popular member of the Ladies’ Aid in a village with one church, a store and the post-office is, in nine cases out of ten, punctilious about answering letters. Let her become careless in this regard and see how soon her popularity wanes.

Are you aware of the fact that strict etiquette requires that any formal dinner invitation that is received by a note requires a definite acceptance or regret by the return post, – surely on the day that it is received?

Do you know that gifts from friends whom you cannot thank in person at once, should always be acknowledged within a week? This applies to Christmas gifts and wedding gifts. It is a careless bride who waits till after she is married to write “thank you” notes for her wedding presents. To be on the safe side make a rule that any personal or social letter that is not an answer to a letter of your own deserves an answer and that answer should be dispatched within ten days.

If keeping up what one calls a correspondence with a friend out of town, a longer interval may intervene. Remember that it would be better for you never to carry on any of these correspondences at all, than to neglect the imperative letters of social obligation and courtesy.

Etiquette requires that any invitation on which R. S. V. P. is written, should be answered within a day or two of receipt, that any invitation save that for a church wedding or tea – when R. S. V. P. is not engraved on the invitation – requires a prompt answer. Etiquette requires that the announcement by letter of an engagement, a birth, death, marriage or illnes requires a prompt reply. So much for the strict requirements of good form. 

Remember besides that courtesy prompts the well bred man or woman to write notes of congratulation on the occasion of wedding or birthday anniversaries of friends or near relatives, when it has been impossible to call for an unusual length of time, when there is illness in the family or on the occasion af any misfortune or good fortune.

But remember that promptness is the first requisite of good form in letter writing. The best way to make sure of promptness is to have suitable writing materials at hand – and if you have good black or dark blue ink, a pen and plain white paper of conventional shape and size, you have all that etiquette demands in the way of writing equipment. – By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

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Correspondence Etiquette — the Don’ts

Whether hand written, via email or text, these tips survive the test of time—Don’t write anything in a perfunctory way; remember always that each letter or endorsement should bear the impress of the writer's dignity, courtesy and intelligence.

Some ‘Don’ts’ for Letter Writers —They Might Help You

Samuel McGowan, Paymaster General of the United States Navy, has compiled a long list of instructions for the members of his department of the service, particularly on the subject of letter writing. The Paymaster’s department is the business office of the United States Navy, and what are good rules for it are good rules for any business house. 

The following is the list of “Don'ts” for letter writers, which Paymaster General McGowan has compiled, believing that the advice is good for any person who has to write letters or conduct business negotiations. 

The “Don’ts” follow; 

• Don’t write at all unless you have something to say; and, having said it, stop. 
• Don’t answer a letter just because somebody else wants you to. If you did, many a purposeless correspondence might go on indefinitely. 
• Don’t give reasons or explanations unless they are called for.
• Don’t write anything in a perfunctory way; remember always that each letter or endorsement should bear the impress of the writer's dignity, courtesy and intelligence. 
• Don’t hesitate to say “no” if that is the proper answer; having said it, don’t attempt to suggest an alternative aimed to circumvent your own “no.” 
• Don’t discuss people; discuss things.
• Don’t write anything quarrelsome; it would probably not be signed. 
• Don’t get excited; or, if you do, don’t record the fact on paper. 
• Don’t use long words when it can be helped (and it generally can). — Los Angeles Herald, 1914

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A Lady’s Writing-Desk Etiquette

Don't seal any letters that are going to tropical or very warm countries. The post-office authorities will usually reject them, as the sealing wax may melt and do damage to other mail.

Don’ts For Your Writing Desk

• Don't address any one as “My dear friend,” or “Dear Friend.” This is old fashioned and out of date. 
• Don't indulge in abbreviations in personal or social letters. In certain business letters certain customary abbreviations are usual which would be bad form in personal letters. 
• Don't used lined paper. If you can't possibly write straight use black lines under your note paper to guide you.  
• Don't write with pencil. It is bad enough to do it and worse yet to apologize for doing it. 
• Don't use a half sheet of paper when you have a little to write on the extra sheet. The economy you effect by dividing sheets in this way is too insignificant to think of for a moment. 
• Don't use colored inks jet black or a blue ink that dries almost black are the only sort sanctioned. 
• Don't use perfumed stationery. It may have been in good form once but it is certainly not at the present time.
• If there are any sachets in your writing desk, take them out. 
• Don't seal your letters unless you are a past master in the art. 
• Don't seal any letters that are going to tropical or very warm countries. The post-office authorities will usually reject them, as the sealing wax may melt and do damage to other mail. 

What Readers Ask... “I am a young girl of 20 and a boy friend of mine of whom I think of a good deal has gone away and has asked me to write. Would it be all right for me to write first or should I wait to hear from him?” Since he is the one who has left it would be customary to wait for him to write the first letter. It is usually the man’s place to write the first letter anyway. — Copyright, 1920, by the McClure Newspaper Syndicate.

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Victorian Etiquette for Letters and Cards

Each individual can use a personal preference as to what tint shall be chosen, what style of monogram, if any, shall be impressed...

Victorian Etiquette, Letters, Stationery and Visiting Cards

If people that you are acquainted with meet a loss by death, and you think anything of such people, it would be proper for you to write a letter of condolence. You should confine yourself to a few words of sympathy. If the life of the person just gone has been a beautiful one, some allusion to that will be proper, but do not offer anything that would seem like preaching a sermon or deducting a moral. 

Etiquette demands a certain adherence to conventional forms in regard to the size and shape of the paper and envelopes used in writing letters of friendship, congratulations, condolence, etc... Beyond a compliance with this general requirement, each individual can use a personal preference as to what tint shall be chosen, what style of monogram, if any, shall be impressed, and whether the sheets of paper shall be plain or grained and rough. 

A gentleman may have a monogram on his paper and envelopes if he so desires without transgressing on the rules of etiquette; that is a matter of individual taste, but the requisite is that the stationery be of good quality, the handwriting plain and the style simple.

P. P. C. cards are not sent out when the party leaves the home for a short visit in the country. Such are used only when the person contemplates an absence from home for a long time, such as a tour of continental Europe or a visit to some other State, which may be of six months' duration or even longer. It is the duty of the person intending to absent himself or herself for a prolonged period, to make a call of adieu on friends, and if such are not at home then the visitor leaves a pour prendre conge card. — San Francisco Call, 1898 - 1899

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Mid-20th C. Etiquette Advice

Question... Due to the fact that I was working during the day and very busy at night getting our new home in order, I was unable to acknowledge all of our wedding gifts. Is it all right to write "thank you” notes now, six months after the wedding? 

Mid-20th Century “Modern Etiquette”

By Advice Columnist, Roberta Lee

From 1941

Q. When a bride is to be married in a traveling suit, what should the bridegroom wear?
A: A business suit.

Q. What is the best way to ask a girl for a dance?
A. "May I have the next dance?"

Q: May one use a lead pencil for writing a social or business letter
A. Not unless one is ill and writing the letter in bed.

From 1951

Q. Is it considered good manners to supply a word which seems to elude another person who is speaking? 

A. It is perhaps a friendly service if the speaker is a foreigner—but it most certainly should never be done with a countryman. 

Q. When a woman has been introduced to you as “Alice Young,” how do you know whether to address her as Mrs. Young or Miss Young? 

A. The only thing to do is to ask her, unless there is someone else nearby whom you can ask.

From 1953

Q. Is it all right for a hostess to mail invitations to a cocktail party on her calling cards? 

A. Yes; on the lower lefthand side, opposite the address may be written: "Saturday, July eighteenth, Cocktails at five o’clock." 

Q. Is it bad manners to eat candy or popcorn in a theater? 

A. Society used to frown upon this practice. However, today’s motion picture theater is just about as much in the popcorn and candy business as in its presentation of films, and the practice is now condoned. Eat as noiselessly and unobtrusively as possible. 

Q. When one is to have a small wedding in the minister's home, is it all right to send out wedding announcements? 
A. Yes.

From 1955

Q. Should the hostess lead the way to the table at a luncheon, or usher her guests into the room and then follow them? 

A. The hostess should lead the way, and then designate the proper seating arrangement. 

Q. Is it proper to write an anonymous letter of protest or criticism to a newspaper or to a columnist. 

A. This is not only considered ill-bred, but it is a cowardly thing to do. One should always have enough courage in one’s convictions to sign the letter. 

Q. Is it proper for a married woman to send a gift in her name only to a bride? A. No; she should always include her husband’s name. 

Q. What kind of decoration should be used for the breakfast party table? 

A. A bowl of fruit is customary, although flowers may be used too. 

Q. Is it now considered good manners to use a toothpick at the table? Lately I have seen this done by people of apparent refinement. 

A. The rules remain unchanged. Toothpicks should never be seen in use, at the table or anywhere else. 

Q. In what manner should friends be invited to a christening? 

A. By telephone or informal note.

From 1956

Q. Where do the relatives of the deceased sit during the funeral service at the church? 

A. The relatives occupy the front pews on the right of the center aisle. 

Q. When one’s partner has unwittingly given information about his hand during the progress of a bridge game, what should one do? 
A. Disregard it. Under no circumstances should one take advantage of such information, as this would not onty be bad manners, but poor sportsmanship. 

Q. Due to the fact that I was working during the day and very busy at night getting our new home in order, I was unable to acknowledge all of our wedding gifts. Is it all right to write "thank you” notes now, six months after the wedding? 

A. Thanks at this time are better than no thanks at all. And it would be nice to state the reason for the delay. —From The Madera Tribune

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Etiquette – More Advice to Men

Did you know that "there is an art in nut-cracking?" "Madge" maintains that there is. "The man who has achieved it," she adds, "is in request by the ladies on either side, for, for some reason, women are seldom adepts in freeing the nut from the shell, and this is more especially the case with Brazil nuts and walnuts. The ordinary woman crushes them into a mixture of nut and shell which is very difficult to separate." 

More Manners for Men, 
from Mrs. Charlotte Eliza Humphry, who wrote under the title “Madge” of “Truth.”

How to Get Married

And, continuing on the subject of weddings, she says: "I receive many letters from perspective best men. An invitation to act in this capacity seems to arouse in the breasts of some men a feeling almost akin to terror. They know themselves to be inexperienced, and they guess themselves to be inadequate to the pressing duties that the occasion involves. But the matter is simple enough. The duties of the best man comprise" — "Madge" outlines their duties in short order, and adds: "when the best man has seen his friend safely off on his wedding trip he's free to go home, get out of his war paint, and settle in his own mind which of the bridesmaids he is going to propose to."

Follows much tabloid wisdom on "How to Propose, and "Don't propose by letter! "Madge" tells of one instance where such a course resulted rather queerly: "The lady wrote her reply, posted it herself, and on her way back to the house met another young man whom she had understood to be engaged. He asked her to marry him. She was very much in love with him, and at once accepted. But her letter accepting the other gentleman was in the letter-box. Making some excuse, she dashed back and stood guard over the box till the postman came; she then asked him to give her the letter. Whether he had any right to do so or not, which is questionable, he complied with her request. She wrote one of very different report and married the real choice of her heart. She has often wondered, in talking to me, what would've happened if the postman had been less amenable. I have never been able to give her much sympathy, for I cannot understand how any girl, loving one man, could possibly accept another.

Don't fold your napkin! Somebody once remarked that "to fold your napkin carefully and put it beside your plate, is involuntarily to express the intention of partaking of one next meal with one's host." 

How to Crack Nuts and More

"The man who has achieved it," she adds, "is in request by the ladies on either side, for, for some reason, women are seldom adepts in freeing the nut from the shell, and this is more especially the case with Brazil nuts and walnuts. The ordinary woman crushes them into a mixture of nut and shell which is very difficult to separate."

Don't fold your napkin! Somebody once remarked that "to fold your napkin carefully and put it beside your plate, is involuntarily to express the intention of partaking of one next meal with one's host."

"Madge" tells all about writing letters, what kind of thought you should use, what kind of note paper—beware of coats-of-arms!—And then comes to the "perfect handshake," which is "warm and sympathetic without any extreme of impetuosity or indifference."
                                                          

Every girl's crazy 'bout a dark-browed man... In novels, that is!

"We all know the dark-browed young man of the woman novelist," she says, "who, when he shakes hands on his first meeting with the heroine, looks her in the eyes with a dark and brooding eyes, with which he 'reads her very soul.' He would be rather a nuisance in every day life. Deep-set eyes which seem to read the soul are far from reassuring at, say, a dinner party, or on a river excursion."

"Madge" gets very solemn and didactic in her chapter entitled "A Word About Manners with Girls." Looking between the lines, one can almost see her British forefinger held up severely, while she is saying:

"I feel that I am approaching a very delicate subject, but no book dealing with manners for men can possibly be complete without entering upon the demeanor of young men with regard to girls. Too often in the middle classes, and perhaps those below them, the idea of a young man is, when conversing with girls, to assume a half-joking manner. Just as though the moments of his life spent in their society were of no importance whatever, and should not be regarded seriously by him. This is not only a mistake, but an indication of the young man's character, which by no means recommends him do any observer, and most certainly not to the girls themselves. They like fun, it is true, but they do not like to be regarded as merely some childish amusement." (Wagging of British forefinger.) – The New York Times, 1897

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Etiquette of the "Well Bred"

Though the original, priggish "Dame Grundy" may, or may not, have been a fictional character, one can find her in real life and in period dramas. Titanic's Ruth DeWitt Bukater was so overly pretentious and conscious of everyone's manners around her, she wasn't aware she was breaking a cardinal rule of glove etiquette. Molly Brown may have been viewed as ill-bred and vulgar, but she certainly wasn't having her tea with her gloves on! ~ Countess of Rothes: "Look, here comes that vulgar Brown woman." Ruth DeWitt Bukater : "Quickly, get up before she sits with us!"

Little, things so often indicate good breeding, and the manners of those with whom one associates, that a person can not be too careful in observIng the rules of etiquette. For instance, to say "What?" as an interrogation, when not understanding a remark or question, is considered rude and bad form. It is too brusque, according to the theories of Dame Grundy.   

Curiosity, amusement or disdain? Upon observing the "well-bred," the emotions can sometimes be hard to distinguish.

Either "I beg your pardon" or "well," as an interrogation, is correct, and children, particularly, should be trained on these points. To go in front of a person without saying "Excuse me," denotes carelessness in minor points of breeding; also leaving the room without going through the form of asking permission is a solecism, "Excuse me a moment," if the person is soon returning, is correct, or should the absence be for an indefinite time, "Excuse me" is enough to say. 

To seal an envelope the whole length of the gum on the flap is another trifling matter for which a person is judged unfavorably. Unless the envelope contains an enclosure that might slip through an opening, only the very tip of the flap should be fastened. And, while on the subject of stationery, no two things are more indicative of ill breeding than to put a stamp on the left side of an envelope or, indeed, any place but squarely in the upper right-hand corner; and for a woman to sign her name with a prefix of Mrs. or Miss. to a note or letter, if she wishes to indicate her formal name she should put the prefix in parenthesis beside her name in full, or, in the case of a married woman, she signs her own name with her formal name in brackets beneath, as "Mary Jane Smith." and below, ("Mrs. John James Smith"). This is a form that should never be forgotten. 

 Pride and Prejudice's Elizabeth Bennet found that "nothing was beneath this great lady's (Lady Catherine DeBourgh) attention, which could furnish her with an occasion of dictating to others." The Lady Catherine De Bourgh is another priggish, Dame Grundy, tsk-tsking at every perceived lack of "good breeding."

Leaving a spoon in a tea or coffee cup is not uncommon but it is ill bred, and to butter a whole slice of bread at once and eat from it is another social mistake. The slice must be broken into small pieces and each buttered as it is eaten. Loud talking in public places is vulgar, as it is to push and shoulder in a crowd. If every person would remember his or her manners at such times crowds would cease to be objects for dread. —From The Los Angeles Herald, 1909

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