Etiquette of Oysters and the Sexes

Six course, formal place setting, set for oysters as the first course.

When oysters are given they precede the soup, and should be eaten with a dinner-fork, not with a fish-fork. In eating oysters the shell should be steadied on the plate with the fingers of the left hand, the oysters should not be cut, but should be eaten whole. Very many ladies do not eat oysters at dinner simply because they do not like them, while others refuse them under the impression that it is more ladylike not to eat them. Perhaps with regard to young ladies it is a taste to be acquired. 

Some men are very, if not over, fastidious, about the appetites displayed by ladies, and would have them reject the entrées and dine upon a slice of chicken and a spoonful of jelly. Others, on the contrary, respect a good appetite as giving proof of good health and good digestion. There is of course a medium in all things, and as large dinners are ordered mainly with a view to please the palates of men with epicurean tastes, it is not expected that ladies should eat of the most highly seasoned and richest of the dishes given, [p.119]but should rather select the plainest on the menu. 

This remark more particularly applies to young ladies and young married ladies, whilst middle-aged and elderly ladies are at liberty to do pretty much as they please, without provoking comment or even observation. — Manners and Rules of Good Society, or Solecisms to be Avoided, by a Member of the Aristocracy, 1918 

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Etiquette for Soup and Fish Courses

“One evening a well-known diner-out discarded his crust of bread, and ate his fish with two silver forks; this notion found such general favour that society dropped the humble crust and took up a second fork.” —In the movie Gosford Park, two dinner forks — one to the right and one to the left of the setting — are placed for the fish course, in preparation for a formal dinner, which will be eaten in the “old” manner. The fish would not be eaten at this manor house with the parvenu’s fish knife and fork.

The guests should consult the menu on first sitting down to dinner. Eating soup comes first under notice. In olden days it was customary to drink it out of a basin. In these days no one "drinks" soup, it is "eaten"; whether it be mock turtle or the clearest julienne, it is eaten out of a soup-plate at dinner, and with a table-spoon.

There is a reason for this choice of spoons; soup is nothing if it is not hot, and as it is the custom to give only about half a ladleful to each person, it is eaten quicker, and therefore hotter, with a large spoon than with a small one.

There is also a good and sufficient reason for small quantities of soup being given in lieu of large ones, viz. the extent of the menu; and when a plateful of soup is handed to a guest accustomed to the regulation supply, he fears that he is expected to dine off it, and that there is nothing much to follow.

Again, small helpings require a smaller quantity of soup to be provided, and a servant is less likely to spill plates containing a little soup than plates that are half full.

At ball suppers, when soup is served in soup-plates, it is also eaten with a table-spoon, but not when served in small cups.

Many years ago it was fashionable to eat fish with a fork and a crust of bread; previous to this a table-knife and fork were considered the proper things to use for this purpose. It was then discovered that a steel knife gave an unpalatable flavour to the fish, and a crust of bread was substituted for the knife. This fashion lasted a considerable time, in spite of the fingers being thus brought unpleasantly near to the plate, and to this day old-fashioned people have a predilection for that crust of bread.

One evening a well-known diner-out discarded his crust of bread, and ate his fish with two silver forks; this notion found such general favour that society dropped the humble crust and took up a second fork. This fashion had its little day, but at length the two forks were found heavy for the purpose and not altogether satisfactory, and were superseded by the dainty and convenient little silver fish-knife and fork which are now in general use.

Small pieces of fish should always be given, and two different sorts of fish should not be placed on the same plate. — Manners and Rules of Good Society, or Solecisms to be Avoided, by a Member of the Aristocracy, 1918

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Etiquette at the Edwardian Dinner

DINNER-TABLE ETIQUETTE

Fashion has its freaks and its vagaries, and in relation to inanimate objects these freaks and vagaries are but transitory and evanescent, but when they touch upon manners and modes they become a conventionality and a custom perhaps for many a year. 

Changes and innovations, slight as they are, are more subtle than sudden, and, paradoxical as it may seem, they are as important as they are insignificant; still it is difficult to believe that fingers once did duty for forks, and that it was not customary for a host to supply his guests with forks, who, if fastidious enough to require them, were expected to bring them in their pockets.

There are here and there people in society who affect a few eccentricities of manner, but these whims at all times take the form of originalities and not of vulgarities; and even then are only indulged in by those whose position in society is secure.

As regards Dinner-table Etiquette.—When a lady has taken her seat at the dinner-table, she should at once remove her gloves; although occasionally long elbow gloves are not removed during dinner, but this is conspicuous and inconvenient. She should unfold her serviette and place it on her lap. It is immaterial whether she places the bread on the right or left-hand side of the cover when taking it from the serviette.

A gentleman should do the same with his serviette and the bread, placing the one across his knees, and the other at his right or left hand.

When a lady is some little time taking off her gloves, she should remove her serviette before doing so: otherwise a servant would offer her soup before she had made room for the soup-plate by removing the serviette, and she should decide quickly as to which of the two soups handed to her she will take, so as not to keep the servant waiting; and so on through every course throughout the dinner as regards fish, meat, etc… — Manners and Rules of Good Society, or Solecisms to be Avoided, by a Member of the Aristocracy, 1918

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Late 19th C. Water Party Etiquette

A gilded age presentation piece for the “1893 Yachting Season” in an advertisement by Gorham Silversmiths. Yachting, boating and canoeing racing and parties were popular ways of entertaining and recreational sporting in the latter part of the 19th century.  

There are many ways of arranging a water-party, at yachting stations and at all riverside places. At yachting stations, for instance, a sailing yacht is hired to convey a party of from eighteen to twenty-five to some point of interest on the coast, in which case luncheon and tea are provided at an hotel in the vicinity of the place where the party have landed, and the expenses are equally divided.

Not infrequently, on the return journey, the yacht is becalmed, and does not reach its destination until between two and three the following morning. If it happens to be a fine moonlight night, this prolongation of a water-party is an additional source of enjoyment; but if there is no moon as well as no wind, and the calm betokens a storm, it is the reverse of pleasant. But these little contretemps, when they do occur, rather lend a zest to the day's pleasure, and are something to talk about afterwards. 

Water-parties are often given by owners of yachts. These are invitation parties, and luncheon, tea, and sometimes dinner, are served on board, and the party land and stroll about, but return to the yacht to be entertained. Water-parties in general include as many gentlemen as ladies, whether they are invitation or contribution parties, although sometimes a majority of ladies is unavoidable. 

Ryde is a favourite station for water-parties, as the island itself, as well, as the opposite coast offer innumerable points of interest for picnicking, and many are able to combine the pleasures of the yacht with those of the steam launch in one and the same water-party; thus a party sails from Ryde to Yarmouth, I. of W., and then proceeds in a steam-launch to Alum Bay. 

Steam-launch parties are immensely popular, both on the river and on the coast, and parties are given by the owners of steam-launches, or a steam launch can be hired by the day. Some picnic on board, and others on shore, as they feel disposed. When, however, a steam launch is hired for the day, a good look- out should be kept upon the engineer, or he will insist on landing at the most undesirable spots. 

Canoe-parties on coast and river side are also popular with both ladies and gentlemen, and here again the steam launch is brought into requisition to convey the party home, as an hour and a-half to two hours is an average time to paddle a canoe; after that time the party land either on the rocks or on the shore, and light a fire and boil the kettle for tea. If the tea-drinking and the after-tea ramble are unduly prolonged there is a chance, if on the coast, of the steam launch running out of coal, and of the party having to return home in their own canoes considerably later than was expected, and not a little fatigued.— From “Manners and Rules of Good Society,” By a Member of the Aristocracy, 1873 

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Gilded Age Etiquette of “Not at Home”

  “Not at home” is all-sufficient explanation, provided always that a servant is able to give a direct answer at once of “Not at home” when the query is put to him… – Mr. Hefty was not pleased to see unexpected guests, when Mrs. Astor literally was, “Not at home.”
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William Ryall as Mrs. Astor’s butler, “Mr. Hefty” with Nathan Lane’s “Ward Mc Allister,” in HBO’s The Gilded Age – Photo source HBO

A mistress of a house should inform her servant after or before luncheon, or before the hours for calling, whether she intends to be “at home” to visitors or not during the afternoon. 

“Not at home” is the understood formula expressive of not wishing to see visitors. “Not at home” is not intended to imply an untruth, but rather to signify that for some reason, or reasons, it is not desirable to see visitors; and as it would be impossible to explain to acquaintances, the why and the wherefore of its being inconvenient to receive visitors, the formula of “Not at home” is all-sufficient explanation, provided always that a servant is able to give a direct answer at once of “Not at home” when the query is put to him. 

If a servant is not sure as to whether his mistress wishes to see visitors or not, it is almost a direct offense to the lady calling if he hesitates as to his answer, and leaves her either sitting in her carriage or standing in the hall, while He will see if his mistress is “At home,” perhaps returning with the unsatisfactory answer that she is “Not at home;” in which case the intimation is almost received as a personal exclusion rather than as a general exclusion of visitors.

If a lady is dressing to go out when a visitor calls, the servant can mention that fact to a visitor calling, and offer to ascertain if his mistress will see the caller; and the caller should use her own discretion as to whether she will allow him to do so or not; but unless the visit is one of importance, it would be best in such a case only to leave. – From “Manners and Rules of Good Society,” 1873

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Manners Among the Classes

Our present code of etiquette is constructed upon the refinement, polish, and culture of years, of centuries… — Gentlewomen of the 1890’s

There is an idea amongst some few people who have mixed little in the world, and moved but in one fixed groove, that the more exalted the sphere, the more perfect the manners. It is needless to attempt to refute such a fallacy as this, but merely to assert that examples of the most perfect manner are to be met with not only amongst those who can boast of long lineage and high birth, but also amongst those who lay claim to neither.

Our present code of etiquette is constructed upon the refinement, polish, and culture of years, of centuries. Wealth and luxury, and contact with all that is beautiful in art and nature, have in all ages exercised a powerful influence on the manners of men; we do not say on the times, as unfortunately these advantages did not reach down to the many but were confined to the strictly few; but in these modern days the many have come, and still come, within the charmed circle; the ring broadens, ever widens; it is not now as in olden days that "Their lot forbade." 

On the contrary, the possession of wealth or of talent is the open sesame to the most refined and cultured circles. The word etiquette is too narrow for all it embraces; it must be viewed in a double light, and be taken from a moral point as well as from a conventional one. A kindly nature, and an unselfish spirit are never wanting in true politeness, but the conventionalities of society give the finish and completeness to the whole, the colour, as it were, to the picture. — From Manners and Rules of Good Society or Solecisms to be Avoided, 1898

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Etiquette and “Dinner Giving”

An invitation to dinner conveys a greater mark of esteem, or friendship and cordiality, towards the guest invited, than is conveyed by an invitation to any other social gathering, it being the highest compliment, socially speaking, that is offered by one person to another.

DINNER giving is perhaps the most important of all social observances, therefore dinner parties rank first amongst all entertainments. Dinner giving is so thoroughly understood to rest upon the principle of an equivalent, that those who do not give dinners hardly come within the category of diners out. This rule, however, is open to many exceptions in favour of privileged individuals, popular and prominent members of society whose presence at dinner parties is appreciated and welcomed in most circles. Dinner parties are of more frequent occurrence, and are of more social significance than any other form of entertainment.

Dinner Invitations:

An invitation to dinner conveys a greater mark of esteem, or friendship and cordiality, towards the guest invited, than is conveyed by an invitation to any other social gathering, it being the highest compliment, socially speaking, that is offered by one person to another. It is also a civility that can be readily interchanged, which in itself gives it an advantage over all other civilities. The orthodox dinner giver must necessarily possess a certain amount of wealth, and wealth and wit do not always go hand in hand. Oftener than not, the former rather overweights the latter; hence, the introduction of a lighter element in the form of amusing people whose métier in life it is to be amusing and to appear amused.

Dinner giving is in itself not only a test of the position occupied in society by the dinner giver, but it is also a direct road to obtaining a recognised place in society. A means of enlarging a limited acquaintance and a reputation for giving good dinners is in itself a passport to fashionable society. Dinner giving in the fullest sense of the word, is a science not easily acquired, so much depending on the talent which the host or hostess may possess for organizing dinner-parties. When a large dinner-party is contemplated, it is usual to give three weeks' notice, but of late this notice has been extended to four, five, and even six weeks.

Diners out are rather inclined to rebel against this innovation, considering that an invitation bearing the date of a month hence pledges them to remain in town, and as it were controls their movements, for the acceptance of an invitation is in the eyes of diners out a binding obligation; only ill-health, family bereavement, or some all-important reason justifies its being set on one side or otherwise evaded. Those inconsiderate enough to make trivial excuses at the last moment are not often retained on the dinner-list of a host or hostess.— From “Manners and Rules of Good Society or Solecisms to be Avoided,” by a member of the Aristocracy, 23rd Edition

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