Victorian School Etiquette

“Good manners are the shadows of virtues, if not virtues themselves.”

School-Room Etiquette

If teachers realized the inestimable amount of good they might accomplish by giving a little time and thought to the manners of their pupils, surely they would willingly give it. Those of their pupils who have no proper training at home would thus gain a knowledge which, in after life, would prove a blessing. And such a course acted upon by the teacher would be of great assistance to the parents of those who are well trained at home; for a large portion of a child’s time is spent in school, and under conditions that require such training.

Teachers must treat their scholars politely if they expect polite treatment from them.

Every teacher should see that no pupil is allowed to treat those of a lower station in life with disrespect.

It is a common occurrence for a teacher to speak with seeming disrespect of a pupil’s parents, blaming them for the pupil’s lack of interest in school, truancy, etc. Such a course is highly reprehensible in the teacher, and gains the pupil’s ill-will. It is better to assume that the parents would be displeased with anything wrong in the pupil, and to appeal to the pupil for his mother’s or father’s sake.

A teacher should never allow herself or himself to be addressed by pupils as “Teacher,” but as Miss or Mr. Smith.

If pupils would take pains to bid a teacher “good-morning” and “good-night,” they would appear well in so doing, and easily give pleasure to another.

The entire atmosphere of a school-room is dependent upon trifles. Where a teacher, by her own actions and in accordance with her requirements, insures kindness and politeness from all to all, she may feel almost sure of the success of her school.

Young misses ought to be addressed by the teacher as “Miss Julia,” “Miss Annie.” Young boys (too young to be addressed as Mr.) should be addressed as “Master Brown,” “Master Jones,” etc.

Teachers should use great discretion in reproving any unintentional rudeness, especially on the part of those ignorant from lack of home training. If such were reproved gently and privately, it would be more efficacious and just. No one should be allowed to appear to disadvantage from ignorance.

Selfishness, untruthfulness, slang, rowdyism, egotism, or any show of superiority should be corrected in the school-room.

Young teachers hardly realize with what fear and dread mothers intrust to them their carefully reared children, especially young ones.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

More Dining Etiquette for Children

 Did she get permission to help herself to those? — If those in company with us make mistakes, we should be governed by the same rule as in case of accidents,—not take notice unless we can undo or cover the mistake.

We should be attentive to the wants of others, particularly at our own table, and quietly supply them when it is proper to do so, especially in the case of old people and little children. In passing a knife, fork, or spoon to others, we must offer them the handle, not the blade or point, and pass a pitcher with the handle toward them.

If an accident occurs, such as breaking a dish, overturning a glass of water, or dropping food upon the cloth, we should take no notice of it by look or word unless we can repair the mischief, which we should do in a way not to attract attention to the unlucky person.

We should never speak of what is unpleasant at the table. If we have bad news to tell, this is not the place to tell it. Sickness, accident, death, and whatever is painful to hear, should not be discussed any more than what is disagreeable. Neither is the table the place to talk of work or business details, but subjects should be chosen that all are interested in. 

No one should be allowed to scold or find fault at meal time. Cheerful conversation is good for digestion as well as enjoyment. Each one should be in his best mood at the table, and the hours which families spend together there ought to be among the happiest of the day.

Solomon understood this matter when he said, "Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith."

No well-bred person would for a moment think of using a toothpick at the table, still less a fork or a pin in place of a toothpick.

No one, either a grown person or a child, should leave his seat until the lady of the house rises, unless there is good reason for doing so, when he should politely ask her to excuse him. In rising, the chair should not be pushed back from the table, but lifted quietly with the hands, and left in its proper position. 

Every movement at the table should be made with as little noise as possible. All moving of feet, leaning upon the table, jostling of dishes, or clatter of knives and forks, shows ignorance of table manners.

If we observe the manners and customs of others in society to which we have not been accustomed, we shall be often saved from blunders. If those in company with us make mistakes, we should be governed by the same rule as in case of accidents,—not take notice unless we can undo or cover the mistake. An incident is related of a certain king which illustrates this true politeness.

At the royal table on one occasion were two ladies from an obscure provincial town who were unused to the customs of city and court. When tea was brought in they poured some from the cup into the saucer to cool it. The king saw a smile go around the table at their expense, and, with politeness worthy of a king, he hastened to pour his own tea into the saucer, upon which every person at the table felt obliged to follow the royal example, and the two strangers were spared the mortification of discovering that had done anything unusual. – Edith E. Wiggin's 1884, “Lessons on Manners / For School and Home Use.” 

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Children's Etiquette for Dining

It is polite to wait until all or nearly all are helped before beginning to eat; and children should never begin before older people.

Manners at the Table

It is not polite to linger after being called to the table. When the bell is rung, or any other summons given, it is to be supposed that the meal is ready, and the call should be promptly obeyed. Food does not improve by waiting, and unnecessary delay is rudeness to the persons at whose table we sit, whether our own parents or strangers. When we know the hours for meals we should plan to be ready for them.

Until the lady of the house takes her seat, other persons should not take theirs. In taking our seats we should be careful not to jar the table. Each one should quietly wait his turn to be helped. Children sometimes pass their plates as soon as they are seated, or begin to handle knife, fork, and spoon as if they were in hungry haste. They should wait for visitors and older persons to be helped first, and brothers should wait for their sisters.

A story is told of a little girl, five years old, who at a large dinner party was overlooked until the company had finished the first course. She waited before her empty plate in perfect quietness until some one noticed her,—bravely trying to keep back the tears,—because she thought it was the polite and proper thing to do. This was carrying polite waiting further than was necessary, but was much better than the rude haste too common among children.

It is polite to wait until all or nearly all are helped before beginning to eat; and children should never begin before older people.

It is not polite to ask for things at other tables than our own or those of intimate friends who expect it of us. The persons at whose table we sit are expected to supply our wants without our making them known. In asking we must not forget to say, "Please pass the bread," or whatever we wish for, and to say, "If you please," "Yes, thank you," or "No, thank you," when we accept or decline what is offered. We should ask for any article by name, and never point at the dish. 

Ill-mannered children sometimes ask for pie or pudding or oranges before they are brought on, instead of waiting for the courses in their proper order, and even have been known to make their entire dinner on the dessert. One is apt to think such children are not accustomed to dainties in their own homes, or they would not be so greedy for them.

We should never say, "I don't like that," if something is offered we do not wish to eat, but simply decline it beforehand or leave it upon our plates without remark; and under no circumstances should we criticise what is on the table.

There is a proper, graceful way to handle napkin, knife, fork, and spoon, and we should study to learn this way and to avoid the clumsy awkwardness in these little things that marks the person unused to good society.

To eat fast is one of the bad habits of American people which we ought to avoid. If acquired in childhood, it will be hard to overcome, and will cause us much mortification when, later in life, we find ourselves with empty plates long before well-bred people in the company have finished theirs. Since we do not leave the table before others, there is nothing gained, even in time, while much is lost in health and in good manners. – From Edith E. Wiggin's 1884, “Lessons on Manners / For School and Home Use.”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Wealth in Parenting

Manners cost nothing. Every parent—though the veriest pauper—can give them to every child...

Etiquette — A Rich Heritage Which the Poorest May Give Their Children

Manners cost nothing. Every parent—though the veriest pauper—can give them to every child. You may not be able to send your boy to Harvard nor your girl to dancing school. They will never upbraid you for that. But bring them through childhood surrounded by and solely taught coarse, common, slovenly ways of speech and behavior, and no matter how devoted and unselfish you have otherwise tried to be, as surely as they live will they see the day when your memory is stung by the bitterest reproaches. 

Start them in the world with faultless manners, and though they have no other inheritance they are immeasurably far from poor in the world’s most cherished coin. Money does not rule everywhere. Does some busy, tired mother or careworn father cry out, “How shall I study all the intricacies of etiquette to teach them again!” I reply: There are a dozen broad rules that are sufficient to pass muster. The rest are very good to know, and not absolutely necessary. 

I set down some of them here, with this excuse, that I see them constantly violated by bright, gentle little people who would be glad to "act pretty," if, poor, small souls they had the faintest stimulus of example or even precept to guide them. Teach a boy never to wear his hat in the  house, nor while standing before a woman; to allow a woman always to precede him, even (as latest advices say) in ascending stairs; to be quick to open doors for her, to carry her parcels, to wait upon her and never to sit while she is standing. 

Teach both hoys and girls good table manners. Make them wait by their chairs till their elders are seated; eat noiselessly; not fidget nor talk with full mouths, nor upon unappetizing subjects; not leave knife and fork trailing off the plate, but always laid side by side, never crossed upon it, every second that they are not in use; not to soak and sop their food; not to bite off bits from a slice: to half fold the napkin when it is not to be used again; not to reach: to be courteous in thanks and requests; to push the chair against the table after the meal. 

Teach them always to knock at a closed door: not to call from one room to another; not to slouch in their seats, nor, if in a rocking chair, to rock. With speech there are more than a dozen ‘don'ts.’ They certainly are vulgar who use "havin’’ and "doin,” and “run” for "ran” and "come” for "came;” who are not early taught to abstain from subjects and words—all proper enough in their place—that are not agreeable to the most sensitive ear.

A child almost surely learns from the beginning to wash his hands often; not to take bones in his fingers nor to drink from his saucer; to take off his hat when be meets a lady (but it should include even little girls) and to use “done” and "seen” in in their proper places. I wish some elders were not content with this very slim outfit of polite baggage when as much more would be as easily taught. "Some day the child will wish so, too." says the writer in Good Housekeeping, from whom we quote.—Red Bluff Daily News, 1892

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Boys and Girls

If you exhibit good manners yourself, you will rarely have cause to complain of rudeness.

Wise Etiquette Advice for 

Victorian Era Boys and Girls

Nothing can be a greater mark of ill-manners than to remain sitting while your elder is standing before you talking to you. Rise and offer your seat or another at once, and never lounge on the sofa or take the easiest chair, while there are those in the room whose age gives them a better claim to them. 

And always be polite, respectful and modest in your demeanor to everyone, especially to your superiors, remembering also that there is nothing more disgusting than to see young people assume an air of self-importance and disrespect towards anyone. 

Never stare people in the face. If you are talking with anyone, it is proper to look at them— eye to eye—with a cheerful, dignified assurance; but to stare at anyone, as though you saw something peculiar about him, is exceedingly rude and impolite. 

Do not cultivate clownish or monkeyish manners. We have seen rude boys and even girls, who seemed to take pride in antic gestures, foolish jesting, buffoonery or what is styled "drollery," and who took great delight in using odd expressions, thinking that it made them appear interesting to the lookers on. Such behavior may excite the laughter of the foolish, as the wise men tell us: "For the mouths of fools feedith on foolishness," But every sensible person regards such conduct with disgust and abhorence. And every youth who acts the buffoon lowers himself in the opinion of those with whom he desires to stand high. 

Be gentle and quiet in your movements. If you are a young man just commencing a business career, good manners will be indispensable to your success. Appear to feel an interest in your work; let your eyes light up at every command, and let your feet be nimble to perform it. There are boys who look so dull and heavy, and walk so slowly, and appear so lazy, that no business man will employ them. Be energetic, prompt, industrious, and careful. Attend to your business in a quiet polite manner; equally removed from familiarity and haughtiness. 

If you exhibit good manners yourself, you will rarely have cause to complain of rudeness. And if our young friends would only remember what Lear said while hanging over Cordelia's dead body, it would help them to put far from them loud and boisterous manners: "Her voice was ever sweet, Gentle and low, an excellent thing in woman." — From The California Farmer and Journal of Useful Sciences, 1878

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Moderator and Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia