Gilded Age Visiting Etiquette

Using both hands, while his hat rests gracefully– A gentleman should never take the principal place in the room, nor, on the other hand, sit at an inconvenient distance from the lady of the house. He must hold his hat gracefully, not put it on a chair or table, or, if he wants to use both hands, must place it on the floor close to his chair. 
-Photo source, Pinterest

In good society, a visitor, unless he is a complete stranger, does not wait to be invited to sit down, but takes a seat at once easily. A gentleman should never take the principal place in the room, nor, on the other hand, sit at an inconvenient distance from the lady of the house. He must hold his hat gracefully, not put it on a chair or table, or, if he wants to use both hands, must place it on the floor close to his chair. 

A well-bred lady, who is receiving two or three visitors at a time, pays equal attention to all, and attempts, as much as possible, to generalize the conversation, turning to all in succession. The last arrival, however, receives a little more attention at first than the others, and the latter, to spare her embarrassment, should leave as soon as convenient. 

People who out-sit two or three parties of visitors, unless they have some particular motive for doing so, come under the denomination of “bores.” A “bore” is a person who does not know when you have had enough of his or her company. – Martine’s Handbook, 1870

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Gilded Age “Calling-Hat”

An English lady, one of the combination English set now here — the H.O. Bax-Ironside, Dunraven, Marlborough, Paget party— appeared twice in a fall hat of lace. Once it was at Newport and once in New York. The appearances were only brief “calling afternoons,” but the hat was much admired. American women are quick to pick up what is good, and immediately the lace calling-hat was adopted. “Not because it is English,” explained an American lady very earnestly to her milliner, “but because I see — what you have often tried to impress upon me— the becomingness of anything soft and full around the face.”

The Tulle Lace Hat of 1895

The Autumn winds which blew Lords and Dukes over here for various purposes of conquest, more or less successful, blew along a style that is much in vogue in London, but has never been popular here. This is the fashion for wearing the tulle or lace hat for dressy occasions. We like it for golf or tennis or the lawn party or the country drive. But Londoners like it for the theater, for the park and for the calling occasion.


An English lady, one of the combination English set now here — the H.O. Bax-Ironside, Dunraven, Marlborough, Paget party— appeared twice in a fall hat of lace. Once it was at Newport and once in New York. The appearances were only brief “calling afternoons,” but the hat was much admired. American women are quick to pick up what is good, and immediately the lace calling-hat was adopted. “Not because it is English,” explained an American lady very earnestly to her milliner, “but because I see — what you have often tried to impress upon me— the becomingness of anything soft and full around the face.”


As all who want a sudden lace hat for fall, who do not boast a regular milliner nor know one who would get up such a creation inexpensively, the rule for making it may be briefly stated. It is from the memorandum book of a Fifth Avenue milliner, who jotted it down the lines for aiding her head milliner, who was desirous of getting up a number of them.


“Take the wire frame of a summer tulle hat. The larger the frame the better, no matter what the shape, so long as the brim is flaring. Gather three yards of fine lacy chiffon upon the brim, letting the lace weave in and out of the wire until not an inch of wire is visible. This is done by laying the chiffon on top of the frame and pulling it through into big loose scallops. A few stitches hold it smoothly in place.


“The chiffon should be exactly the color of the trimmings of the fall suit. The very swell Newport caller chose white, embroidered in pale brown. Cover the top of the frame with the plain part of the chiffon. Now get two yards of striped velvet ribbon that includes all the shades of the costume, and make into a great, broad upstanding bow. Fasten with an emerald pin at one side of the crown and you have the the fall lace hat. It is simple enough and very becoming to everybody.” — San Jose Mercury, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Opera Hat Etiquette

“Newland, I’m so happy you left your ‘I have an opera-hat’ badge at home!” — Young men might spare themselves considerable trouble, and their friends some annoyance, by pinning on the lapel of their dress-coat a badge marked “opera-hat.” Then everybody will be aware that they have one, and that they have had intelligence enough to leave it with their other things upstairs. Thus, the soul aim they seem to have in view will be quietly and unostentatiously served.

— Photo from “The Age of Innocence” source, Pinterest

One of the follies of would-be fashion, of which, usually, only very young men are guilty, is carrying a crush or opera-hat into a drawing-room at a formal party or reception. It is strange that they do not know any better: that common sense does not tell them that to go into a cloak-room and leave their over shoes, cane, and overcoat, and then carry their hat into company is the essence of absurdity. The name of the hat they appear so anxious to display should give them the proper information as to its disposal. 

It is an opera-hat, and designed for the opera, where it is convenient to retain it after leaving a box to enter the lobby or foyer, as nobody would care to be bareheaded. But to go into a drawing-room with the hat under one's arm, and nurse it all evening, advertises ignorance of society and etiquette with unpleasant conspicuousness. A man might with equal fitness carry around his overshoes or his boot-jack or his toilet articles. The sole object he can have must be to let the company know that he has an opera-hat, not a very valuable or remarkable acquisition, since such a head-covering can be bought anywhere for $5 or $6.

Young men might spare themselves considerable trouble, and their friends some annoyance, by pinning on the lapel of their dress-coat a badge marked “opera-hat.” Then everybody will be aware that they have one, and that they have had intelligence enough to leave it with their other things upstairs. Thus, the soul aim they seem to have in view will be quietly and unostentatiously served. —The New York Times, 1880

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia