Etiquette and “Affected Speech”

“Fathah awnd grawnfathah were bawn heah.’’ ‘But you haven't lived here much?’ I ventured. “Oh, yes, only a couple of yeahs that I was east at school.” “So there it was; two years east at school had done the mischief. She met a lot of New Yorkers and southerners and no doubt some English people there, and so she tried to fix up a little more elegant accent for herself, with the distressing result.

Affectations of Accent Absurdity

Michigan Professor Makes Observations During Afternoon Tea of Girl Students • 

Type of Talk is a “Poser”• Says Young Women Try to Combine Pronunciations of Their Acquaintances

ANN ARBOR, June 25.—It was no less an authority than a professor in Michigan university who declared not long ago that he was “Sick of affectation in pronunciation.” One of the best loved men in the great school, he has seen thousands upon thousands of men and women go out from his classes in the course of his long academic career, says the Detroit Free Press, “In my early day, when I was a young instructor, affected speech from among young ladies was rare, he told some of his students, then came a wave of it that swept all over and reminded me of those silly foppish French days of the Ridiculous Précieuses (or The Affected Ladies) satire immortalized by Molière, when the bourgeois element began to put on airs that set the whole world a-laughing.” 

“Now, a good pronunciation is to be cultivated, just as pretty modulations of the voice are much to be desired both in men and women, but when it comes to these obviously strained-after apings of somebody else’s English, I think it is time to show people how utterly ludicrous they appear. The fact is, in some forceful slang that appeals to me very much for its terse power of descriptions, these people don’t get away with their airs—not one bit. Not long ago my aversion for this sort of thing got the better of my discretion and of my good manners, I fear, at a charity afternoon tea.”

“Well, there were a lot of Detroit girls among them, and as I stood off for a while listening to them, I marveled where they had acquired their accents. Certainly they didn’t sound like Michigan, nor like anything within many miles of the middle west. To tell you the truth, I couldn't make out what they did sound like and I've done a bit of traveling in this and other countries in my day. But this type of talk was a poser for me. There were a number of broad A’s— some of them quite the broadest I had ever heard.” 

“There were few R’s, except for now and then when someone less alert than her sisters let drop a good, healthy one. At last, one of the prettiest of them, a slender, sweet eyed young thing, that might have been a Rosaetti model, fell to my lot, I never heard such talk. She was mighty nice to me, too, getting the choicest little cakes for me and some very fragrant tea in a pretty cup, and fixed to suit a King. But her accent! ‘You're a Michigan girl?’ I asked. “Oh, yes, indeed,” she beamed, ‘‘Fathah awnd grawnfathah were bawn heah.’’ ‘But you haven't lived here much?’ I ventured. “Oh, yes, only a couple of yeahs that I was east at school.” 

“So there it was; two years east at school had done the mischief. She met a lot of New Yorkers and southerners and no doubt some English people there, and so she tried to fix up a little more elegant accent for herself, with the distressing result. There is no such pronunciation in all the English language as ‘awnd’ for ‘and,’ nor ‘hawnd’ for ‘hand.’ If a child is sent away in its earliest youth it can naturally acquire the accent of its new environment, but when it comes to a grown Michigan girl in a couple of years getting an entirely new version of mother English, it does seem a little miraculous —don't you think?“– Los Angeles Herald, 1910

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Naturally

"No ripple mast be permitted to ruffle the smooth equilibrium and indifference of your feelings. You must greet him politely, but without emotion. So the false etiquette of which we speak teaches..."

Be Natural — Act Naturally 

One of the fashionable follies of the day is the affectation of great coolness. It is considered vulgar to be demonstrative. You meet an old friend; it is a blessing to your eyes to behold him once more. Your heart leaps up at sight of him—your impulse is to grasp him warmly by the hand. You feel almost like embracing him. You must do nothing of the kind. No ripple mast be permitted to ruffle the smooth equilibrium and indifference of your feelings. You must greet him politely, but without emotion. So the false etiquette of which we speak teaches. 

Self-possession is a strong quality, but we do not believe in this kind of self-possession. And people who school themselves in this are not apt to have the other and better kind. They are not apt to manifest self-possession on such as really call for it—occasions of difficulty and danger, and of great trials. Touch their self-love, make an unusual demand upon them for self-denial, and their assumed and superficial self-possession vanishes in an instant. For ourselves, we like naturalness of manner. Seem as you feel. Let the heart speak out, or what is the use in having a heart? There are crops which grow only on light soils, and the school of philosophy —miscalled philosophy—of which we speak must have originated in shallow brains. — Red Bluff Independent, 1874

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Rules of Etiquette and Politeness

 Good manners inspired by good principles, prompted by good fellowship, polished by good form, will fit one for good society anywhere. 

Politeness consists in repressing ill-natured comments in the first place, not in asserting the contrary afterward. There are a few persons who are rebellious about some rules of etiquette which seem useless for those of high moral caliber; but as other laws are made for the majority, so are those of social convention, especially for those who are prone to transgress. 

Of course, very few of the rules of good form are absolute and unchangeable, and they must be more or less regulated by the standards of the people with whom one lives and the requirements of the place in which one resides. 

The old riddle asks: "What is the keynote to good manners?" The answer: "Be natural." Natural manners are always the most charming, provided that one is well bred, otherwise the self-revelation is unpleasant. 

The "fashionable" manner of today is simple, cordial and free from affectation. Good manners inspired by good principles, prompted by good fellowship, polished by good form, will fit one for good society anywhere. — Los Angeles Herald, 1902

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Rules of Conversation

 

What is now known as “phubbing” was addressed in 1899 —No well-bred person would be guilty of the gross rudeness of picking up a book or magazine and “looking through” it while pretending to pay heed to the talk of a friend. 

Practical Etiquette and Conversation 

No well-bred person would be guilty of the gross rudeness of picking up a book or magazine and “looking through” it while pretending to pay heed to the talk of a friend. The assurance, “I am only looking at the pictures of this magazine, not reading, and I hear every word you say,” is no palliation of the offence. The speaker would be justified in refusing to continue the conversation until the pictures had been properly studied. If a speech is worth hearing, it is worthy of respectful and earnest attention. 

No one should ever monopolize the conversation, unless he wishes to win for himself the name of a bore. 

A well-educated and finely cultured person proclaims himself by the simplicity and terseness of his language
In conversation all provincialisms, affectations of foreign accents, mannerisms, exaggerations, and slang are detestable. 

Flippancy is as much an evidence of ill-breeding as is the perpetual smile, the wandering eye, the vacant stare, or the half-open mouth of the man who is preparing to break in upon the conversation. 

Interruption of the speech of others is a great sin against good breeding. 

Anecdotes should be sparsely introduced into a conversation, lest they become stale. Repartee must be indulged in with moderation. Puns are considered vulgar by many. 

In addressing persons with titles, one ought always to add the name; as, “What do you think, Doctor Graves?” not, “What do you think, Doctor?” 

The great secret of talking well is to adapt one’s conversation skillfully to the hearers.
In a tête-à-tête conversation, it is extremely ill-bred to drop the voice to a whisper, or to converse on private matters. 

One should never try to hide the lips in talking by putting up the hand or a fan. 

One should avoid long conversations in society with members of his own family.
If an unfinished conversation is continued after the entrance of a visitor, its import should be explained to him. 

Though bores find their account in speaking ill or well of themselves, it is the characteristic of a gentleman that he never speaks of himself at all. La Buryere says:

“The great charm of conversation consists less in the display of one’s own wit and intelligence than in the power to draw forth the resources of others; he who leaves one after a long conversation, pleased with himself and the part he has taken in the discourse, will be the other’s warmest admirer.” In society the absent-minded man is uncivil.

There are many persons who commence speaking before they know what they are going to say. The ill-natured world, which never misses an opportunity of being severe, declares them to be foolish and destitute of brains.
He who knows the world, will not be too bashful; he who knows himself, will not be imprudent.
There is no surer sign of vulgarity than the perpetual boasting of fine things at home.
One should be careful how freely he offers advice. 

If one keeps silent sometimes upon subjects of which he is known to be a judge, his silence, when from ignorance, will not discover him. 

One should not argue a point when it is possible to avoid it, but when he does argue, he should do so in a gentlemanly and dispassionate manner.
One should never notice any mistakes in the language of others. —From Practical Etiquette, 1899

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Pinky Fingers

Please keep your “pinky” curled, and we'll offer you some of these yummy treats.  

Many people mistakenly think, and actually still teach others, that one’s pinky finger should be extended when one is drinking tea from a cup. This is not considered proper by any trusted etiquette authorities. It is what is commonly known as an “affectation” that has been promoted by television and the media for some time now, just as women eating and drinking while wearing gloves, has been promoted in period dramas and films. As Judith Martin put it, these little nuances help with what “is evidently intended to add a touch of what passes for ‘class.’” However, they are absolutely incorrect.

Curl your fingers as much as you can.

Many anthropologists and sociologists believe this habit was acquired hundreds of years ago, when the poor servants of the wealthy landowners and royalty in Europe, watched how their “Lords and Ladies” dined. They believe the servants picked up the habit of keeping a finger extended while drinking and dining.

And look, we don't thrust our pinky fingers out to pour the tea, either...

Only the wealthy could afford to purchase salt and exotic spices, like nutmeg, at their tables. Foods were eaten with one’s hands and a knife. Utensils were not used at many tables then. When dining, these wealthy people would keep the “pinky” finger extended when scooping up foods so that they could keep grease off of that finger. The finger could then be dipped into the salt or spices needed to season their foods. This kept grease and food particles out of the dishes holding the spices.
                          

Pinky fingers are perfect for “pinky rings,” not for sticking out while drinking tea.

Others think it started when tea and handle-less cups from China became popular in Europe. They believe tea drinkers would keep the pinky out because the cup was too hot to hold. However, the Chinese have never extended fingers in that manner, nor have the Japanese when drinking tea from cups without handles, so why would the British? 

The traditional cups that the Chinese use, still do not have handles to this day. These cups are held in the palm of the hand. Old artwork from the time, proves this as well. Perhaps the size of the hand holding the cup affected whether or not a pinky finger was left dangling in the air with some tea drinkers?

Old artwork can be very helpful in showing a period as it truly was lived.

Coffee houses, at which hot coffee was served, were very fashionable in England prior to tea drinking becoming the trend. There is no debate though on how to drink coffee from a cup with regard to pinky fingers being ridiculously thrust out. The only debate with coffee, is that in many countries, it is still socially acceptable for one to pour his or her hot coffee into the saucer, in order for it to cool down to a drinkable temperature more quickly. Pouring one's coffee into the saucer to drink, has not been socially acceptable in many other countries, since the early to mid-1800s. 

Hot chocolate was also drunk in similar, but oftentimes taller, cups. Saucers with deeper wells or “cages” were the norm for many years with these sets for hot chocolate. Also called “trembleuse” in France or “mancerina” in Spain, the saucers were designed to protect the cups from the “trembling” hands of elderly hot chocolate drinkers. Again, pinky fingers were seemingly not an issue.

Here are two etiquette violations in one image~ Drinking with gloves on and sticking the pinky finger out.

Today, most all etiquette authorities agree; The proper way to hold a tea cup is with one or two fingers of the right hand put through the hole of the cup handle, while balancing the cup with your thumb on the top of the handle. Some etiquette consultants recommend “pinching” the tea cup handles to hold the cup. Either way, your other fingers should be curled beneath the handle. — By Maura J. Graber, The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, 2005

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia