Bachelors and Etiquette

Except in a fashionable society, the bachelor who leaves cards of courtesy on all the friends of his social circle once a year is rare. Women are much more thoughtful about sending notes of condolence and congratulation than men. In fact, bachelors as a class bother their heads very little about the nice points of etiquette unless they find themselves in a position where it will be clearly to their advantage to do so. 

Certain Universal Rules

“Bachelors have a right to be fussy, especially old bachelors.”— Fanny Fern

In the minds of some persons bachelors are more or less beyond the pale of conventional etiquette. This is especially true of the American point of view, for here social matters are left much more largely to women. Women are supposed to conform to the laws of etiquette, but bachelors —when they are not in the society of women of their own families —may supposedly give conventional etiquette very little thought. 

No one expects a bachelor to pay party calls. Men never do, anyway, unless their wives or sisters or mothers lead them to it. Except in a fashionable society, the bachelor who leaves cards of courtesy on all the friends of his social circle once a year is rare. Women are much more thoughtful about sending notes of condolence and congratulation than men. In fact, bachelors as a class bother their heads very little about the nice points of etiquette unless they find themselves in a position where it will be clearly to their advantage to do so. 

Some of us seem to agree with Franklin that “bachelors are a nondescript in human society, like the odd half of a pair of shears of little use until joined to its mate.” It will be recalled that in Colonial New England bachelors were especially taxed, and that the puritanical legislators stipulated that every bachelor should either live with some family whose duty it should be to see that be attended meeting on Sunday with certain regularity and otherwise to watch over his behavior. Apparently, then as now, bachelors were supposed to be the class of persons most indifferent to social regulations and social requirements. 

At the present time, however, especially in large cities the man who is not married is coming to be regarded as a more responsible sort of person. He can no longer excuse himself on the ground that rules of etiquette were not made for him. In fact, there is a social code of etiquette especially devised and applicable for the unmarried man who is no longer a youth. If he wishes to have the comforts of his own home, he may keep house and he may entertain his friends in his home—but all this has to be done with a certain conformity to convention or he is just as much, criticized as is the woman who defies convention.— By Mary Marshall Duffee, Morning Union, 1918

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Manners for Men from 1897

The book, authored by a writer for Vogue, held etiquette truths that both men and women needed to read. On the last page we are told that one of the marks of a gentleman is his complete mastery of himself under the most trying and aggravating circumstances, and furthermore this: “Under great provocation the expletive ‘damn’ is tolerated in society, but it should be whispered and not pronounced aloud.”

But helpful manners, wisely suited to bachelors, filled the 1987 tome: “The public restaurant or dining room is the place for a bachelor supper when ladies are guests. A private room is not proper, and your guests want to see and be seen... All meals in a restaurant, unless organized on the spur of a moment, are ordered beforehand and everything, including the waiter's tip, arranged and settled for. If you have not an account at the restaurant, pay the bill at the time you arrange the menu and reserve the table.” And: “The average man is judged by his appearance and his deportment in public. His dress, his bearing, his conduct toward women and his fellow-men, are telling characteristics. In the street, when walking with a woman—the term ‘lady’ being objectionable, except in case of distinction—every man should be on his mettle. Common sense, which is the basis of all etiquette, teaches him that he should be her protector. Therefore, under general circumstances, his place is on the street or outer side. Should there be a crowd on the inner side, should the walking be muddy or rough, or should there be a building in process of repair, or one or the other of the inconveniences of city life, then the man should take the side which will enable him to shield his fair companion from all annoyance. At night a man offers his arm to a woman. In the daytime etiquette allows this only when the sidewalk is very rough, when there are steps to climb, a crowd to be piloted through, or a street crossing to effect. In any one of these emergencies suggest, ‘I think you will find it better to take my arm.’ A man never walks bodkin—that is, sandwiched between two women.” – from Walter Germain’s, The Complete Bachelor: Manners for Men

Review of “The Complete Bachelor”, By the author of the “As Seen by Him Papers.” D. Appleton & Co., New York, Price $1.25

The author gives as a reason for this little book, that while he was conducting the query department in Vogue, he received letters from all parts of the United States asking for information on certain details of etiquette which seem to have been overlooked by the writers of etiquette manuals, and these correspondents wanted the questions answered from the New York standpoint. 

Herein the bachelor is warned against the faults which will make him “impossible” in society. On the last page we are told that one of the marks of a gentleman is his complete mastery of himself under the most trying and aggravating circumstances, and furthermore this: “Under great provocation the expletive ‘damn’ is tolerated in society, but it should be whispered and not pronounced aloud.” – San Francisco Call, 1897

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia