19th C. Italian Etiquette vs American... cont.

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 "How Italians Educate Their Children:

A regimen which gives prominence to fine manners, free intercourse of the different classes in Italy, and why it pays to be polite."

I do not think that Mr. Jarves had any Italian offspring like Madoonna in mind when he wrote his 1880 article on Italian parenting and etiquette, but still, she is sending his message, "Italians do it better," all the same ~ The talent, or "smartness" which finds success in any chosen line is considered to be the most enviable quality children can show. Absorbed in their own business or pleasure, they are disinclined to make time, as do Italian and French fathers, to instruct and initiate their children in the customs and wisdom of the world, while winning their confidence in multiform sympathetic ways.

The sincerity of affection of American fathers for their children cannot be questioned, but the quality of its practical manifestation as a whole is open to comment. American fathers are too reserved and undemonstrative; two little given to intimate association with the joys, chagrins, and personal training of their children. From want of practice they do not know how, as do European fathers, to participate in their lives and become their confidential companions. They are over-solicitous to see them on an independent, self-made footing early in life, working out their own careers prematurely, in their separate responsibility, while relieving them of theirs in the matter.

The talent, or “smartness” which finds success in any chosen line is considered to be the most enviable quality children can show. Absorbed in their own business or pleasure, they are disinclined to make time, as do Italian and French fathers, to instruct and initiate their children in the customs and wisdom of the world, while winning their confidence in multiform sympathetic ways. A New-England father, cold and commanding in deportment, when not forgetful and indifferent; austere and abrupt and speech, if not taciturn and careless, bountifully provides the means of education, comfort, and entertainment of his offspring, and is prompt to enunciate Lycurgian rules and abstract apothegms for their guidance by already physically and mentally over-taxed mothers, or those whom he liberally pays to vicariously execute the most needful of his own duties, in the inculcation of those habits and principles on which the future welfare of his family depends. 

Hence, between American fathers and sons there is less free intercourse and affectionate courtesy, with intermingling of pleasures and interests, than in European families. Domestic life has more centrifugal than centripetal force. In infancy there is begotten a restraint which tinges all subsequent intercourse between them, and leaves uncomfortable associations on both sides. This state of domestic life is more a defect of the head than heart, chiefly arising from the neglect to cultivate those endearing habits and manners which should be the crowning grace of intellectual accomplishments and parental authority.

The tact with which cultivated Italians pay compliments is equal to their fastidious sense of personal beauty. Nothing elicits more heartfelt admiration than grace or brightness, particularly in children. The most common place are noticed, while any special attraction gets enthusiastically praised. Their quick eyes, even in adults, seize on any distinguishing feature, if it be only a well shaped ear or nose, or other minor organ, and cordially praise that, politely ignoring the homely ones out of consideration of the feelings of their possessor. Their aesthetic sympathies are so keen that they detect charms which untrained senses overlook. They are much less prone than Anglo-Saxons to see only defects and crudely condense them into one sweeping condemnation of absolute ugliness or badness, with no discrimination of mitigating or compensating details. 

In social intercourse they are less inclined to the superficial, impressive, and wholesale prejudices of people of coarser fibre and colder hearts, in regard to persons of unprepossessing appearance. Instead, they charitably discover something to recommend the most forbidding in looks, if, like themselves, well bred, while their respect to age is particularly commendable. Whether this conduct springs from charity of heart or policy of head, it is certainly good breeding. 

The habit of considering others sometimes brings unexpected results. There lived in Florence some years back and Irish painter of merit, who was on the verge of starvation from inability to sell his works. One evening as it so happened that the journal he had taken up at a café to distract him was asked for by a stranger. He immediately handed it to the inquirer, saying another would serve his purpose as well. This led to an acquaintance, which ended in his selling all of his Winter's work to his new friend, who was an amateur, and placing him at once in a comfortable position. 

Another more remarkable instance is the following: An elderly gentleman, partially paralyzed, was traveling by himself in a railway carriage, in which was a young lady, unknown to him. Accidentally dropping the newspaper he was reading, and finding it difficult to recover it, she promptly assisted him, following it up by other little services and pleasant conversation. When the train stopped she considerately assisted him out. He begged her address, which she gave him, and soon the incident faded out of her mind. 

A year afterward, to her astonishment, she received a letter from the old gentleman's lawyer with the intelligence that he had died, and bequeathed her $150,000, "because of her politeness to a stranger." This was indeed casting her bread of civility on the waters of life to some purpose, and forcibly illustrates the power of "politesse de coeur," as the French aptly designate this humane accomplishment.

Matthew Arnold defines civilization as the “humanizing of man in society.” Politeness is one of the most efficient agents in affecting this transmutation of human nature. Poetry, music, painting, and sculpture or even less direct agencies in its improvement, for polite manners are apostolic in their proselytizing functions. No supreme civilization is reached, however, on a single line of progress. To form a complete, well-rounded humanity, scope must be given to every healthful aspiration and no faculty left to lie dormant. The ideal race is yet to be created out of the perfections of all. Hebrewism has given us religion, the spiritual aspects of faith, sacrifice, obedience, duty, and worship as its supreme ideal; Hellenism, the might of philosophy, beauty, and mind in heroic guise of earthly mold; Rome, The power of unity and supremacy of law. 

Germany now proffers inquiry, scientific analysis, and thought; the Latin races, their sensitiveness to beautiful form and behavior; their delicacy of apprehension and technical touch; England, her broad eclecticism, practical skill, and resolute utilitarianism, while inventive, receptive America, the mosaic of nations, opens her doors with the impartial welcome to all but benign influences. Let us hope that humanities highest polish and finest amalgamation will finally be ours. But to secure, this something besides a deep-seated passion for beauty, abstract truth, or prosaic utility is required. 

Progress toward the ideal to be lasting, must be as deeply rooted in the heart as the head. It's complete code exists only in the divine principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ, who is the most beautiful manifestation of spirit in the flesh vouchsafed to men. He was the complete gentleman. His perfect brotherhood, gentleness, truth, sympathy, sacrifice, intuition, forbearance, courtesy, kindness to women and children; His energy, courage, and righteous anger; His devotion to His one great object, the alleviation of life's miseries, succor of the afflicted, healing of the sick, regeneration of all man; His exalted, purifying doctrines and practice- all this, combined with an aesthetic temperament that made Him, the most radical of reformers, enjoy nature and art, wear fine apparel, and come "eating and drinking;" a Saviour appreciating the refinements and blessings of life, not despising and fearing them like a misery-coveting, cowardly ascetic; this makes Jesus, after 18th centuries of example, still the "first gentleman" of all time, universal Teacher and ideal man of humanity. 

From “How Italians Train Their Youth,” an article originally published in the NY Times, sent from Florence, Italy, August 10, 1880, by James Jackson Jarves

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and 19th C. Italian Youth

“The Grand Duchess sent for her daughter, a girl of 17, who had been to her first ball the night before, but was not yet considered as having ‘come out.’After presenting her, during the chat that ensued she was required by her mother to stand, while we remained seated, which to my American notions and experience of the homage paid by their elders to our young girls, seemed to me quite an awkward and painful reversal of the proper order of things.” 

How Italians Educate Their Children:

A regimen which gives prominence to fine manners, free intercourse of the different classes in Italy, and why it pays to be polite.   

Where every one obeys its rules it allows a more familiar and genial intercourse between all ages and conditions of society...

Italian children are drilled in society manners as soon as they can toddle about. Especially are they taught deference and polite attention to ladies and older persons. Complimentary phrases of speech, and an easy, graceful demeanor become as natural to them in a short time as to their parents. Too much stress in comparison with more important things in no doubt is attached to etiquette alone. But where every one obeys its rules it allows a more familiar and genial intercourse between all ages and conditions of society than when there is no prescribed code of manners to emeliorate social contrast and protect individual position, and everybody is on the defensive lest the artificial barriers of differing social positions be invaded.

A state of society in consequence has been long established that admits and encourages pleasant but respectful familiarity between the varied ranks of the population. I will illustrate the practical working of this system in Italy. One of the ancient palaces in my vicinity is occupied by several families of the nobility. In the upper story there is a girl's school for children of the better classes. The daughter of the porter of the palace is received in it without pay, given the same advantages as the daughters of the Countesses and the Marquises her father served, and, treated precisely the same by all, is spared those petty but spirit-wounding reminders of social distinctions and pretensions with which

Anglo-Saxon girls delight to afflict those they assume to look down upon. Another school girl, of similarly humble position, is frequently invited by one of the noble ladies to be the companion of her daughter when she visits her villa during the vacations, partaking of all her privileges. Of course, such familiar intercourse can exist with mutual advantage, and no confusion of the essential proprieties of life, only in a country where society is on an established basis, and the refinement, and polish that belong more particularly to the more favored individuals extend to the less fortunate and become the rule of all. 

19th century Italian women with their children ~ “Italian children are drilled in society manners as soon as they can toddle about. Especially are they taught deference and polite attention to ladies and older persons.”

Royalty is perhaps the most rigid of all the ranks in exacting obedience in children to those rules of etiquette which are considered proper to their age, without regard to their future position. On one occasion, when, by request, I had called on the sister of one of the great sovereigns of Europe, the conversation turned on children. The Grand Duchess sent for her daughter, a girl of 17, who had been to her first ball the night before, but was not yet considered as having "come out." After presenting her, during the chat that ensued she was required by her mother to stand, while we remained seated, which to my American notions and experience of the homage paid by their elders to our young girls, seemed to me quite an awkward and painful reversal of the proper order of things. But I am now persuaded that the European system of discipline of youth, in parting it in seasoned self-restraint, and deference to age, is more salutary to character than the license to self-indulgence not only tolerated but encouraged in America.

Anglo-Saxons, for sanitary reasons, do not permit their children to keep late hours with their elders, eat late meals and go to late amusements, as do Italians, no doubt prematurely maturing the minds and customs of their offspring at the expense of health. Apart from these cogent considerations, the habit of constant familiar intercourse with their parents and elders gives them a quiet, respectful demeanor, and puts them at their ease in any society. Early accustomed to be noticed and praised for good looks, behavior, or points of dress, they seek to emulate the aesthetic style of the adult society of which they make a part.

Socially, an accomplished Italian is, undoubtedly, more or less of an actor, but in legitimately seeking to please he pays a complement to society and an homage to virtue.

According to our ideas, no doubt they often seem tame and colorless, or else unnaturally restrained in one direction and developed in another; but they are early fitted for their future positions without disturbance to the social machinery about them. At their ease and self-reliant in society, when Anglo-Saxon children would be constrained or awkward, they lose much in other respects, in force of character, independence, and self judgment, where initiative action is required, in which essential points American youth excel. The social restraints, narrowness of intercourse, and excessive formula of etiquette a fashionable Italian life, with its extremes of bigotry or atheistical materialism, would ill suit the Anglo-Saxon freer spirit, greater breadth of view and latitude of personal action.

Socially, an accomplished Italian is, undoubtedly, more or less of an actor, but in legitimately seeking to please he pays a complement to society and an homage to virtue. There are instances, doubtless, in which skillful acting is a hypocritical pretense to cover up some base end, but such are the exceptions to a general rule of politeness which is based on the genuine disposition to please and be pleased in social intercourse.

Article Originally Published in the NY Times, Sent From Florence, Italy, 

August 10, 1880, by James Jackson Jarves

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia