Etiquette and Dining Without Hands

Ten years later and one would have thought that Estelle Lawton Lindsay had been dining with the exceptional war veteran-turned-actor, Harold Russell, the Oscar winner from the unforgettable film, “The Best Years of Our Lives.” Canadian-born Russell had enlisted after the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941. He lost both of his hands in that war. He gave such a memorable, poignant and yet uplifting performance in the WWII film, that he was rewarded with both a Best Supporting Actor statuette and second, special Oscar for “bringing hope and courage to his fellow veterans.” His acting in the film brought it two of the overall nine Academy Awards it received. – Public domain image

The following article was posted first back in 2021 on Etiquipedia, but we felt it was worth a Second Debut, so we are reprinting the post with a different photo:

“Two metal hooks where his hands should be was the distinctive feature of the man who sat opposite me at dinner last night. He was a strong, husky chap between 25 and 30, well groomed, but coatless and he walked into the French restaurant, was shown to a table, pulled his chair out and sat down without a motion that would single him out from the rest of the diners. Fortunately he sat opposite me, offering me opportunity not to stare at a man who fed himself with two iron hooks, but to look with admiration on a person, who has successfully made one of life's most difficult adjustments.

“Of course, I didn't and don't now know his story. I didn't have to have him tell me that to know that there was a day, either in his boyhood or young manhood, when he awoke to the realization that his hands were gone. In a case like that one can entirely set aside any attendant physical suffering, and dwell upon the mental and nervous shock and the necessary adjustment that only the individual himself can make.

“Life is going to go right on for a person in a fix of that kind, and he himself must decide if he is going to go right along with it.

DECISION COMES FIRST

“This decision must come first... And after the decision is made there is the nerve-racking process of developing a new way of living that will approximate the normal course of things.

“There were no awkward moves as this fellow-diner of mine deftly adjusted the hook on his right arm with the one on the left. He picked up his napkin, unfolded it and placed it on his lap.

“When the soup was served he picked up a spoon and ate without spilling a drop. He broke French bread, which he seemed to enjoy, and now and then wiped his lips with his napkin and sipped water from the glass at his place.

DEFIANT LOOK IN EYE

“He served himself salad and ate it, also the crisp potatoes and peas, and he was just as American in eating fried chicken with his “fingers” as you and I. But he didn't stare at anyone else for everyone was staring at him. However, he wasn't embarrassed, in fact I caught a defiant look in his eye and sensed an attitude of the satisfied victor.

“I wanted to shake his right hook, but I don't believe he would want commendation any more than sympathy. A person who makes a difficult life adjustment as successfully as he has, doesn't need either.” – By Estelle Lawton Lindsay for “Log of the Good Ship Life” in the San Pedro Pilot, 1936

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dining Etiquette with Physical Challenges

 

(Above) A pie, pickle or even a “Nelson fork” — Some fork designs were sold for different purposes in different regions of the U.S. and in Europe. Other utensils were modified a bit to suit new foods, as foods that were considered delicacies, fell into and out of, fashion. A “Nelson fork” was a fork adapted for eating with one hand, after British Vice Admiral Horatio Nelson lost his arm while fighting Napoleon at Tenerife.

Two metal hooks where his hands should be was the distinctive feature of the man who sat opposite me at dinner last night. He was a strong, husky chap between 25 and 30, well groomed, but coatless and he walked into the French restaurant, was shown to a table, pulled his chair out and sat down without a motion that would single him out from the rest of the diners. Fortunately he sat apposite me, offering me opportunity not to stare at a man who fed himself with two iron hooks, but to look with admiration on a person, who has successfully made one of life’s most difficult adjustments. 

Of course, I didn’t and don’t now know his story. I didn’t have to him tell me that to know that there was a day, either in his boyhood or young manhood, when he awoke to the realization that his hands were gone, in a case like that one can entirely set aside any attendant physical suffering, and dwell upon the mental and nervous shock and the necessary adjustment that only the Individual himself can make. Life is going to go right on for a person in a fix of that kind, and he himself must decide it he is going to go right along with it.

 DECISION COMES FIRST 

This decision must come first. And after the decision is made there is the nerve-racking process of developing a new way of living that will approximate the normal course of things. There were no awkward moves as this fellow-diner of mine deftly adjusted the hook on his right arm with the one on the left. He picked up his napkin, unfolded it and placed it on his lap. When the soup was served he picked up a spoon and ate without spilling a drop. He broke French bread, which he seemed to enjoy, and now and then wiped his lips with his napkin and sipped water from the glass at his place. 

DEFIANT LOOK IN EYE 

He served himself salad and ate it, also the crisp potatoes and peas, and he was just as American in eating fried chicken with his “fingers” as you and I. But he didn’t stare at anyone else for everyone was staring at him. However, he wasn't embarrassed, in fact, I caught a defiant look in his eye and sensed an attitude of the satisfied victor. I wanted to shake his right hook, but I don’t believe he would want commendation any more than sympathy. A person who makes a difficult life adjustment as successfully as he has, doesn’t need either. – Estelle Lawton Lindsey, 1936

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and the Blind

All people we meet need to be treated with respect and dignity, regardless of physical challenges they may face. The etiquette changes with each physical challenge, however. The blind can participate in more activities than one may think. Keep that in mind when socializing or doing business with someone who is blind.

Q. My father has just become blind, and I notice people seem to treat him differently than they used to. Could you give me some advice on how the blind should be treated? - R. V., Dallas, Texas

A. When you are introduced to a blind person he may make a small gesture to shake your hand. Make an effort to find his hand because he can't find yours. Always tell who you are. Never play “Guess who this is?” Use the blind person's name because he can't see that you are directing a remark toward him, say, “Harry, what do you think President Ford will do about oil and the economy?” You needn't raise your voice because blindness and deafness are two different things. If you want to ask the blind person a question address him and not his companion. Sighted persons often ask a man’s wife, “What does Harry like to drink?” Waitresses often make this mistake. 

If you are in a restaurant with a blind person you may want to read the menu to him. He may ask for help in cutting his meat. Follow William Goodman's suggestion in an article for “New Outlook for the Blind”; Unless you are treating, let the blind person carry his or her own check and money to the cashier. Locating food on a plate is often difficult for the newly blind. 

“The Seeing Eye” recommends that if you are serving food at home you think of the plate as the face of the clock, with meat from four to eight o'clock, vegetables from nine to twelve, and perhaps fruit from twelve to four. When you are having a blind person over for the first time, you might show him where various rooms of the house are. Make sure there are no objects on. the floor, which might trip him, and that doors aren't left ajar for the blind person to bump into. You can help a blind person sit down by guiding his hand to the seat and back of the chair. 

If you are helping a blind person walk down the street, let him hold onto your arm just above the elbow. Let him walk about a half a pace behind you. B. lind people can participate in more of your activities than you think. Some blind people go to the theatre and movies, dance, swim, skate, bowl, play board games and cards. Don't avoid a person who has gone blind. Continue to enjoy his friendship. – Maureen Elena Riordan, 1975

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia