Calling Card Etiquette from The Lady

The fashion of manners and etiquette is almost as fickle as that of dress. What is this year's meat is next year's poison, to parody an old saying. It is very seldom you lift up a society paper without seeing some agonizing inquiry on the subject of visiting cards, for instance. — The Lady

The sOCIAL MIRROR

The following is from The Lady, a society journal of London, which is an acknowledged authority on social manners, and is published in the Social Mirror at the request of a number of our prominent society ladies:

The fashion of manners and etiquette is almost as fickle as that of dress. What is this year's meat is next year's poison, to parody an old saying. It is very seldom you lift up a society paper without seeing some agonizing inquiry on the subject of visiting cards, for instance.

There are endless, ever-changing fads about these tiresome bits of pasteboard, so I will try to give a few general hints; it is impossible to do more.

A question I often see asked is, which corner of a card is it necessary to bend to signify you have left it yourself? It is by no means imperative for you to bend any, but it is considered rather a smart thing to do so to the right-hand bottom corner.

The other day I heard a discussion on the vexed question as to whether you can send visiting cards by post; and a reliable authority settled that point that in no case is it permissible, with the two exceptions of a P. P. C. or a condolence card. There was an attempt a few years ago to permit bachelors to send cards, instead of calling after a bit, but the card had to be sent the next day, or the rule became void. However, it is not considered good “ton” now. 

If a man is not blessed with any female relative to take his card with theirs, then the only alternative is to call himself often a most difficult achievement in the case of business and professional men, who naturally grudge spending a hard-earned holiday in paying the stately call. But society has its rites which demand observance. I think I need hardly say that under no circumstances is it allowable to send your cards in by the servant. A well-trained domestic would of course suppress them; but mistakes are made in the best regulated families. If you are calling after a dinner party or ball, leave your cards in the hall on the way out; but if your call is merely an “at home” one, then your cards are quite unnecessary.

Then another question, which is a thorn in the side of many hostesses, is whether it is correct to introduce at an afternoon call. Many fashionable women insist upon doing it still, and there others, equally high up the social plane, who argue the fact of people meeting at their house is sufficient guarantee and introduction But I think the happy medium is hit by a hostess using her own judgment and tact. 

A shy, nervous visitor requires a few kindly words of introduction to put her or him, as the case may be, at ease. Then, if there are two people of congenial tastes separated by the length of the room, a discriminating hostess would somehow contrive that they should be brought together and started on the subject dearest to their hearts; but such a conversation does not warrant any further intimacy unless mutually desired. 

And for the benefit of debutantes and pushing bachelors, I may here add that an introduction at a public ball does not necessarily entail a further acquaintance. The small habits and details which tend to produce society polish are so subtle as to be almost indescribable one glides into them, as it were, unconsciously. For instance, to profusely thank a servant for handing you anything at a dinner party would stamp you at once as being somewhat “green” to society. 

The fact that the servant is there to wait upon you should be looked upon as a right, and accepted accordingly, quietly and easily. Then the hospitable old habit, which was considered the acme of all that was polite, oppressing your guests to take more than was good for them, has quite gone out. It makes one shudder to think of the agonies of indigestion suffered by our ancestors in the cause of “good manners.”

The art of making friends welcome without any ostentations or fuss is one of the first laws to be learned in the manners of today. This requires great niceness of discrimination and judgment, and illustrates in some way what I mean by the world “subtle.”

One of the strangest freaks fashion ever indulged in is the handshake so popular during the two past seasons, the arm from the elbow to the wrist being held quite stiff and almost perpendicular and the hand on a level with the face, which only permits of the most limited action. A glance at one of Du Maurier's drawing-room scenes will show you the correct attitude at once; but my advice to those who have not gone in for it is, “Don't!” as, having touched the grotesque, it is on the wane. Some people grasp these changes quickly, and for them it is easy, but to many it is a truly laborious effort to do something this year diametrically opposed to what they did last.

Smiles, in his book on “Character,” says that “a good manner is the art of showing outwardly the inward respect we have for others.” And the instincts of a kind heart are really worth more than all the conventional rules ever made. Still, the latter have a power of their own in the world of society, and cannot be ignored.— Humboldt Times, 1910

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Etiquette and “Pour Prendre Congé”

The modern form of “Pour prendre congé”? Texting the question and receiving an answer via text. —  Well over a hundred years before texting was created, one had to leave a card with P.p.c. written on it, along with the date when one would return to let friends know their travel return date.

“Etiquette with all its littlenesses and niceties is founded upon a central idea of right and wrong.”—Dr. J. Brown

What Readers Ask— “Recently some neighbors of ours left to live in another state and they have now sent around cards marked P. P. C. with their, new address written at the lower part of the card. What is the significance of this?” 

The letters which should have been written “P.p.c.” stand for the French words “Pour prendre congé” —that is “to take leave.” These cards should have been sent around before your neighbors left. 

It is customary to send them when about to leave for a long journey or when changing one’s residence. For a new place, one should simply give the new address, engraved or written at the lower right hand corner. — By Mary Marshall Duffee, 1917

✍🏼Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

The Etiquette of Women’s Cards

“It is considered old-fashioned to indicate the names of both a husband and wife on the same card. As an exception, this practice exists in resorts.”

Calling Card and Business Card Etiquette for Ladies of the Late 1800’s and Early 1900’s

1. The name on a lady’s calling or business card should be printed in a simple font, without any decorations, and without gothic letters. The name is located in the center of the card, the address of the lady is in the left corner. Typically, a business card is three and a half inches in length.

2. Married ladies should never put their first name on a social or business card. An exception is made for widows.

3. It is considered old-fashioned to indicate the names of both a husband and wife on the same card. As an exception, this practice exists in resorts.

4. Before you leave the card, you should ask the servant if the lady of the house is at home. If she is not there, you can safely leave a card.

5. Leaving a card is the prerogative of the ladies. During the visits, the wife leaves not only her business card, but also her husband’s business card. Visiting another married lady, she leaves three cards - her card for her hostess and two cards of her husband; one for her hostess and one for her hostess’ husband.

6. A daughter leaves a business or calling card of her father. A married gentleman rarely leaves his business cards, except during a visit to his single friends.

7. Calling cards are made to leave in person, and not sent by mail. If the health does not allow one to personally bring a card, it can be sent via servant.

8. Upon arrival in a city, ladies should leave their cards with all their friends and acquaintances.

9. When a lady of the carriage set is making calls, the servant carries the cards. If she walks through the city, she knocks at the house and leaves the card herself.

10. If one has paid a visit and talked to the lady of the house, she no longer needs to leave her card. However, she still needs to leave her husband’s two cards. It is considered bad form to leave them on the table in the living room or in the card basket or tray, and in no case can they simply be handed to the lady of the house. The husband’s cards should be left on the table in the hallway or quietly passed to the butler or a servant.

11. If the lady’s husband is present during the visit, he leaves only one of his cards, for the man of the house. If the gentleman is also present, one does not need to leave anything.

12. If the mistress, or lady of the house has adult daughters, the guest should bend the right corner of the business card, thus to mark their presence. The lady never leaves a business card of her husband for the daughters, but she can leave it if the family has adult sons.

13. If a lady leaves a business card for her friend, who only stays in the house, it is not necessary to leave another business card for the lady of the house, unless the visitor knows her.

14. Young ladies should not have their own social calling cards. Their names are usually printed under the name of the mother. If the mother is not alive, the girl’s name is written under the father’s name on the standard lady’s business card (but not on the gentleman’s business card). If adult ladies make social visits in the company of young girls, then the names of the girls are written by hand on the cards, under the names of those women.

15. Older unmarried women, (spinsters or “old maids”) who no longer need an attendant, may have their own cards.

16. If a young lady visits ladies who are unfamiliar with her mother or companion, she leaves her mother’s card, under whose name her name is printed. To let her know that she had personally visited, the girl deletes the mother’s name with a pencil, leaving only her own.

17. Ladies who have received a calling card, should pay a return visit within a week and leave their cards.

18. If a new family arrives in the city, local residents should be the first to make a visit and leave their cards, having previously specified what position the newcomers occupy in the community. Beginners should not be the first to make visits.

19. If a lady makes a visit to inquire about health, she writes, “Ask Mrs. Jones for health.” Having recovered, Mrs. Jones can leave her card, with a note of thanks above the name.

20. Leaving for more than two months, one should personally carry cards to all acquaintances or send cards with the abbreviation PPC (pour prendre conge) in the lower corner through a servant. Thus, they are notified of one’s departure without unnecessary correspondence. This should be done a week before departure.

21. If a lady makes a visit which is primarily for business, she should ask the servant to immediately take her business card to the resident she is visiting.

By contributor, Maria Pavlova. Russian born, Maria started studying etiquette and traditions as a young girl, as it was important to her family. She dedicated much time and research to 19th century etiquette and customs. For a time, she ran an etiquette school called, “The Russian Princess.” Now, living abroad, she offers consultations and conducts etiquette lessons online.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia