A Little Bit on Politeness

The very word “politeness” carries with it a hidden meaning of elegance, and of the ease that is acquired by mingling with one’s fellows; for it springs from the Latin polio, “I smooth,” and smoothness is gained, not by seclusion, but by the attrition of the city, by the reciprocity that needs must be exercised where people meet one another often, and there must be mutual concessions, that there may be peace and agreeable living together. 

ONE hears good people speak of politeness with a certain contempt, as if it did not matter in the least whether one's manners were fine, if only one's morals were irreproachable. “His heart is all right, but he is a diamond in the rough,” I heard a friend say of another. It was well that the first statement could honestly be made, but a pity that the second had to be added. For there can be few greater misfortunes on the journey of life than to have either bad manners, rude manners, or no manners at all. 

The very word “politeness” carries with it a hidden meaning of elegance, and of the ease that is acquired by mingling with one’s fellows; for it springs from the Latin polio, “I smooth,” and smoothness is gained, not by seclusion, but by the attrition of the city, by the reciprocity that needs must be exercised where people meet one another often, and there must be mutual concessions, that there may be peace and agreeable living together. 

A rough diamond is valuable, of course, but its value is greatly increased when the tool of a cunning workman has brought out its beautiful possibilities, shown the immortal fire under the shining surface, and made every point a star. Men who have been obliged to dwell apart, to delve in mines, or cut the first roads round steep mountains, or live in the loneliness of lumber camps away from women, sometimes grow rough and curt, or, it may even be, boorish. And this is a very great calamity. Still, if early training is careful, and children learn to practice politeness in the home, the habit is apt to stick, let future circumstances be happy or the reverse. A man need not be discourteous because he has little chance to indulge in the gracious and graceful amenities of life. If, as a small child, good manners were so taught him that they became a part of his very nature he will never forget them.

Men and women in the intercourse of the family and in good society are expected to be kind, gentle, well-bred, and obliging. By good society I do not mean fashionable society. It happens that the very rudest people I ever met belonged to a very exclusive circle in what is called the “smart set” of a cosmopolitan American city. The ladies and gentlemen to whom I refer were away from home attending an exposition in a Southern State. They had been most hospitably entertained and most kindly welcomed, but their air of detachment, of pride, of indifference to those around them, might have befitted folk of the baser sort who had never had a chance to learn propriety, but were glaringly out of place in people who had enjoyed every advantage that wealth, travel, and culture could bestow.

On the other hand, I have seen a man in a leather apron, with hands calloused by labor, and clothing patched and faded, whose manners would have been admired in a court. One seldom encounters gross rudeness among poor and hard-working people. They may not know all about the frills and fripperies and furbelows of conventional and ceremonious politeness, but they are polite to the core, with the politeness that gives the best and warmest chair in the chimney corner to the old and feeble grandparent, that offers a seat at once in the street car to the laundress with her basket, or the mother with her baby, and that puts itself out to show a stranger the way, or relieve a woman of a heavy bag or awkward bundle. 

This is conspicuous in America, where it has always been our boast that our women are worshiped, that women may travel in perfect safety between the Atlantic and the Pacific, and that our streets, in our great towns, are as safe at midnight as at noon, for any woman, young or old, whose duties compel her to be abroad after dark without an escort.

The immense ingress upon our shores of foreign peoples with ideals different from ours has somewhat modified our universal gallantry, yet we are glad to observe that in the assimilating processes of the republic the most ignorant peas- antry acquire our ideas, while there is no excuse whatever for our absorbing theirs.

Mrs. Cynthia Westover Alden, writing on this theme, says pithily in a talk to business women: “Cultivate the manners of good society. I do not refer to society with a big S; that is another thing. The manners of the best people in Oshkosh, or Spring Valley, or Cripple Creek are good enough.” — From “Good Manners for All Occasions,” by Margaret Sangster, 1904

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Training – Early is Best

Good manners are but the expressions of a nature controlled... The rules of good breeding cannot be learned late in life, politeness cannot be assumed when one enters society at a given age. Training in good manners must be begun when the baby first learns to speak and continued through the years, for politeness is not always innate and spontaneous.

“Facts on Etiquette”

“Etiquette is not a body of formulas for the use of adults only; the rules of good breeding cannot be learned late in life, politeness cannot be assumed when one enters society at a given age. Training in good manners must be begun when the baby first learns to speak and continued through the years, for politeness is not always innate and spontaneous. The child does not know that all life is made smoother and simpler and sweeter by good behavior, and so this precept and its practice must be early inculcated. This constant rubbing off of rough comers produces a polish that makes it possible for the child to grow into the adult without awkwardness. Good manners are but the expressions of a nature controlled. They may be artificial, but anything is better than bad manners.” – The Weekly Calistogan, 1914

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Society

Samuel Littleton, a famous Queen’s Counsel in his day. had a family whose manners might cause many a house of noble rank to blush —A Queen's Counsel (postnominal QC), or King's Counsel (postnominal KC) during the reign of a King, is an eminent lawyer (usually a barrister) who's appointed by the Queen to be one of "Her Majesty's Counsel learned in the law." The term is also recognised as an honorific.

What Constitutes Society?

A famous essayist once wrote: "l have but seldom sat at the tables of the great. but on such occasions I did not fail to notice that exalted rank does not always confer a superiority of manners; however, I must confess that while respect must always be paid to nobility, the arts of polite conversation, gentle manners, discretion of speech, kindness, sobriety, wit and learning seem to me most successfully cultivated by those who possess no title to respect other than may be conceded to integrity, Industry and success in life.

“Samuel Littleton, a famous Queen’s Counsel in his day. had a family whose manners might cause many a house of noble rank to blush. He himself was a scholar and a wit, yet a wit who sought not to wound. His son, though apt to blush in conversation, had in him the making of a very pretty wit. His daughter, lovely in person, could also display the graces of the mind. They understood music enough to play movingly upon the spinuet. They were also well read and could aptly quote from Shakespeare. Milton and Dryden. They conversed intelligently on all subjects generally allowed to be Introduced before ladies, without boldness, but with a modesty which always best becomes a young geutiewoman. Of the wife and mother no praise would be too extravagant, but it will be sufficient to say that her daughter*, in attempting the task, despaired of emulating her. 

When contrasting a dinner given by my Lord Fullacre, the noisy talk that prevailed, the low topics introduced, the profusion of wine and other evils and extravagances, with a dinner at the house of Sam Littleton, the sobriety of his table, yet the plenty, the moderation of the drinking, the pretty conversation and lively sallies of the girls, the graciousness of the matron, the innocent mirth and laughter of the company, then you find what is true society—that is, society ordered according to the politeness of the age—must be sought for where the men are scholars of delicacy and breeding, and where the women have been educated to make them fit mates for the men." — San Francisco Call, 1892

                   Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Rules of Etiquette and Politeness

 Good manners inspired by good principles, prompted by good fellowship, polished by good form, will fit one for good society anywhere. 

Politeness consists in repressing ill-natured comments in the first place, not in asserting the contrary afterward. There are a few persons who are rebellious about some rules of etiquette which seem useless for those of high moral caliber; but as other laws are made for the majority, so are those of social convention, especially for those who are prone to transgress. 

Of course, very few of the rules of good form are absolute and unchangeable, and they must be more or less regulated by the standards of the people with whom one lives and the requirements of the place in which one resides. 

The old riddle asks: "What is the keynote to good manners?" The answer: "Be natural." Natural manners are always the most charming, provided that one is well bred, otherwise the self-revelation is unpleasant. 

The "fashionable" manner of today is simple, cordial and free from affectation. Good manners inspired by good principles, prompted by good fellowship, polished by good form, will fit one for good society anywhere. — Los Angeles Herald, 1902

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A 19th C. Etiquette Lament

Politeness Has Vanished

A few of the people in this room have no idea of the kindly spirit that seeks to make things pleasant for the humblest stranger, as well as for the guest.

I am not an old woman, and yet I have lived long enough to see the almost utter decadence of old-fashioned virtues. Take politeness, for instance—simple, old-fashioned politeness, that sprung from the heart, like a rose from the root. How little we see of it nowadays. 

We see a great deal of what you call company manners, learned from a book of etiquette, perhaps; but the kindly spirit that seeks to make things pleasant for the humblest stranger, as well as for the guest who comes in the van of a trumpeting herald, is growing rarer each year.


What if it does cost a little trouble to answer a question, or drop your task to direct a stranger; what is the use of being in the world at all if not to lend a helping hand where we can and make folks happy? 

The courtesy that is only shown to people we know, and to people who can respond perhaps in kind, is a spurious courtesy, as different from old-time politeness as a pink made of muslin to a sweet, carnation that grows in the garden and woos the bees. — Philadelphia Times, 1895

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Moderator for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia