Charm School Cigarette “Techniques”

Above images are all incorrect etiquette for smoking ~ “… many women smoke, they should certainly guard against looking masculine or uncouth. Here are a number of suggestions to keep the smoking habit as feminine as possible.”

Charm School Cigarette “Techniques”

The smoking habit was originally strictly a man's habit and although today many women smoke, they should certainly guard against looking masculine or uncouth. Here are a number of suggestions to keep the smoking habit as feminine as possible.

1. Never hold a cigarette in the mouth without the fingers assisting. In other words, no dangling cigarettes.

2. Hold the cigarette in the hand as you strike the match and then place it between the lips for lighting. The fingers must stay in contact with the cigarette.

3. If assistance is offered for lighting the cigarette, graciously lean toward the light.

4. Hold the cigarette as close to the ends of the fingers as possible.

5. Hold the lighted end of the cigarette toward the ceiling so that smoke does not curl through the fingers.

6. Never blow smoke through the nostrils.

7. Do not flick the ashes from the cigarette, roll them off.

8. To put the cigarette out, gently roll it in the ash tray until there is no longer any smoke.

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Etiquette and a True Lady

Unconsciously she encircles herself with an atmosphere of unruffled strength, which, to those who come into it, gives confidence and repose. Within her influence the diffident grow self-possessed, the impudent are checked, the inconsiderate are admonished; even the rude are constrained to be mannerly.

Ladyhood with a Capital "L"

Calvert says: "Ladyhood is an emanation from the heart subtilized by culture;" giving as two requisites for the highest breeding, transmitted qualities and the culture of good training. He continues: "Of the higher type of ladyhood may always be said what Steele said of Lady Elizabeth Hastings, 'that unaffected freedom and conscious innocence gave her the attendance of the graces in all her actions.' At its highest, ladyhood implies a spirituality made manifest in poetic grace. From the lady there exhales a subtle magnetism. Unconsciously she encircles herself with an atmosphere of unruffled strength, which, to those who come into it, gives confidence and repose. 

Within her influence the diffident grow self-possessed, the impudent are checked, the inconsiderate are admonished; even the rude are constrained to be mannerly, and the refined are perfected; all spelled, unawares, by the flexible dignity, the commanding gentleness, the thorough womanliness of her look, speech and demeanor. A sway is this, purely spiritual. 

Every sway, every legitimate, every enduring sway is spiritual; a regnancy of light over obscurity, of right over brutality. The only real gains ever made are spiritual gains—a further subjection of the gross to the incorporeal, of body to soul, of the animal to the human. The finest and most characteristic acts of a lady involve a spiritual ascension, a growing out of herself. In her being and bearing, patience, generosity, benignity are the graces that give shape to the virtues of truthfulness."

Here is the test of true ladyhood. Whenever the young find themselves in the company of those who do not make them feel at ease, they should know that they are not in the society of true ladies and true gentlemen, but of pretenders; that well-bred men and women can only feel at home in the society of the well-bred. – From Our Deportment, 1881

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette of a Lady

Be a lady... Not necessarily this one above. Television's Lady Mary is lovely and self-assured, but she can be truly thoughtless and self absorbed. Especially while playing cat and mouse games with men. Besides, she's wearing gloves while she's drinking champagne. Demonstrating poor etiquette and a true faux pas!

Be a Lady

Good breeding is good sense.

Bashfulness is constitutional.

Awkwardness maybe ineradicable.

No art can restore the grape its bloom.

Bad manners in a woman are immorality.

It is the first duty of a woman to be a lady.

Wildness is a thing which girls cannot afford.

Delicacy is a thing which cannot be lost or found.

Ignorance of etiquette is the result of circumstances.

Familiarity, without confidence, without regard, is destructive to all that makes woman exalting and ennobling.

Who was Gail Hamilton?

Gail Hamilton, 1833-1896, was an essayist, journalist, and fiction writer. She was born Mary Abby Dodge in Hamilton, Massachusetts, and lived as a school teacher and governess in New England and Washington, D.C. 

In the late 1850s, she began publishing for the anti-slavery paper, the National Era, under the pen name, Gail Hamilton. She went on publish books on women’s rights, politics, religion, and children’s subjects. 

In 1867, she sued her publisher, Ticknor and Fields, for deliberately underpaying her in relation to the industry norm. Although she was unsuccessful, she "made a significant contribution to the history of the professional (women) writers, and she exposed the Gentleman Publisher’s market for what it really was: a relationship based on power, even when conducted as a friendship" –(Coultrap-McQuin).

                                       

From The Los Angeles Herald, 1887

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Women's Hats

When Women Should Remove Their Hats 

It may obscure her own view! “If there is any doubt about a hat obscuring someone's view at the theater, the movies, or a meeting, a woman should remove it promptly.”

In the country, when hats are worn at all by women, they may be removed with coats if desired. It is usual at house Christenings, weddings, and funerals to treat the house, for the occasion, as if it were a house of worship and for women to keep their hats on. This, however, is not technically necessary, either for guests or for the woman of the household. 

At garden parties or garden weddings it is purely a matter of preference whether a woman, who has been shown to a cloak room first, decides to remove her hat or leave it on as an important part of her costume. 

In town at formal receptions, teas, luncheons, and meetings women guests usually keep hats on if they have worn them. However, except perhaps at the home of an elderly and very conservative woman, on such an occasion the lack of a hat would not be in any way remarked these days. 

In fact, even at formal luncheons the modern hostess often suggests that guests leave their hats with their coats, if they wish. Certainly if most of the women at such an affair are hatless, one or two women who cling to the older convention in the matter will seem inelastic, to say the least. 

Hats worn with dinner suits or dinner dresses are intended to remain in place throughout the evening and are usually tiny enough not to obstruct the view of those behind one in the theater. If there is any doubt about a hat obscuring someone's view at the theater, the movies, or a meeting, a woman should remove it promptly. If she's asked to remove it by someone having difficulty seeing beyond her, she should do it immediately with murmured apologies. – From Amy Vanderbilt's 1952 "Complete Book of Etiquette"

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Girls Gone Wild

It is the first duty of a woman to be a lady. Good breeding is good sense. Bad manners in a woman is immorality. Awkwardness may be ineradicable.

Wild Girls

by Gail Hamilton 

Wildness is a thing which girls cannot afford. Delicacy is a thing which cannot be lost or found, No art can restore to the grape its bloom. 

Familiarity without confidence, without regard, is destructive to all that makes woman exalting and ennobling. It is the first duty of a woman to be a lady. Good breeding is good sense. Bad manners in a woman is immorality. Awkwardness may be ineradicable. 

Bashfulness is constitutional. Ignorance of etiquette is the result of circumstances. All can be condoned and not banish men or women from the amenities of their kind.

But self-possessed, unshrinking and aggressive coarseness of demeanor may be reckoned as a state's prison offense, and certainly merits that mild form of restraint called imprisonment for life. 

It is a shame for women to be lectured on their manners. It is a bitter shame that they need it. Do not be restrained. Do not have impulses that need restraint. Do not wish to dance with the Prince unsought; feel differently, be sure you confer honor. 

Carry yourself so loftily that men will look up to you for reward, not at you in rebuke. The natural sentiment of man toward woman is reverence. He loses a large means of grace when he is obliged to account her as a being to be trained in propriety. 

A man's ideal is not wounded when a woman fails in worldly wisdom; but if in grace, in tact, in sentiment, in delicacy, in kindness, she would be found wanting, he receives an inward hurt. –Los Angeles Herald, 1882

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Etiquette and "Good Breeding"

Retrieving one's handkerchief does not necessarily make one a "gentleman" and being "well-bred" doesn't automatically make one a truly polite young lady.

The Letter and Spirit of "Good Breeding"

An excellent old gentleman, once upon a time, discussed the virtues and faults of his son with the young woman who was to be his daughter-in-law. "Dan's mother died when he was a baby," he said; "he has no near female relatives, he has spent nearly all his life in school and at college, so that he has never had that training which comes from association with well bred women. He is a good boy—as good as gold. There is nothing that he would not do for you. He will give you all that he has, he will be as true as steel, he will honor you and love you with all his heart, although he may forget to tell you so. He would die for you, but he will probably not pick up your pocket handkerchief for you." The young woman listened respectfully to a father's pardonable praise of his son, then she said, "But I do not want him to die for me, and I shall want him to pick up my pocket handkerchief." 

She preferred, says a correspondent of The InterOcean, who relates this little incident, the letter to the spirit. There are among many superficially polite people tremendous respect for certain requirements which they believe are an index to social position and indication of honorable origin, says the same writer. They would consider themselves hopelessly disgraced were they to put the knife to an improper use; to confuse the various spoons, forks and glasses about their plate at dinner, but other matters which affect their relations with their fellow being are passed over as of no consequence. 

One of the most common offenses among the superficially well bred is the slight and discourtesy which they show to dependents, or those whom they consider their social inferiors. The poor relation in his shabby coat and patched boots receives scant courtesy. The faithful dressmaker, met by chance in a public assemblage, is confronted with a stony stare, or is passed by and not seen at all. This is always the ill breeding of the snob, of the newly rich who, not feeling sure of themselves, knowing well what they are and whence they came, believe that their hardly earned place can be retained only by this stern discrimination. They believe that, like liberty, eternal vigilance is the price of "position."
–Los Angeles Herald, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura Graber, is the Site Moderator for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Ancient Chinese Etiquette for Women & Girls

The sacrificial offering to them. You must never cease to make. Thus should you honor your ancestors.

On Reverence for Parents 

Girls not yet gone out from their homes [not married] Must carefully reverence their parents ; Early rise, and to them The morning salutations present. If cold, build a fire to warm them ; If warm, use the fan to cool them ; If they are hungry, hasten to supply them food; If thirsty, prepare for them the tea.  

If your parents rebuke you. Receive it not impatiently, But, standing in their presence, Hear with reverence and obedient heart. And repent of and forsake the wrong. The words of your parents. Regard as beyond all others important ; Obey their instructions ; Turn not away your head, And be not stiff-necked.  

If you do wrong, confess to your parents, Requesting instruction and reproof. When your parents become old, Morning and night be sorrowful and fearful ; Their clothes, food, and drink, With the utmost care provide, Observing the demands Of the four seasons in your care for them.           

Observing the demands of the four seasons in your care for them.           

If your parents are sick. Leave not their bedside, Loosen not your girdle to lie down ; The tea and the medicine. Yourself first taste To be sure that it is just right. Cease not to cry unto heaven. Or to pray in the ancestral temple, That they may be restored. 

Never let it be said That your parents died For lack of attention from you. When they die, Your very bones should grieve. And to your life's end cease not to mourn. Griefs clothing, for your parents, Three years you must wear ; The sacrificial offering to them. You must never cease to make. Thus should you honor your ancestors.

Written by Lady Tsao in the Han Dynasty. The Han Dynasty, from 206 BC – 220 AD, was one of the Longest of China's Major Dynasties 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia