School Etiquette for Parents

"Helicopter Parenting" was just beginning to be a  problem, back in 1969!  —Thousands of mothers are facing up to a child going off to school for the very first time and not knowing how to behave!

Mothers! Observe ‘School Etiquette’

Etiquette books are filled with sound rules about not digging into your hominy grits with a knife and the good ones have chapters covering wedding invitations and how much to tip the butler after a weekend at Mrs. Rich’s estate. But here we are in the first semester of the school year and what, I ask, have the noble, knowledgeable rule-givers done about that? Thousands of mothers are facing up to it for the very first time and not knowing how to behave. 

I observed some on the first day of school. Three were crying; four lurked on the lawn until recess; one brought the teacher a list entitled, Things to Remember about Paul. Why didn’t someone tell them the way to leave a child? (Shake hands with teacher with one’s right hand and, at the same time, with the left hand, give child a deft thrust into room.) 

It’s nice to know the fine points on accepting gracefully a child’s first drawing. (Holding paper carefully, turn it around and around and say, “It’s so colorful! Wasn't this fun?” Do not EVER say, “What a pretty kitty!” or “Such a NICE tree,” because things are never what they seem to be.) 

Then there’s the first time the child announces he is never going to school again, although, heaven knows, nobody can really give us a rule on how to act here. (Just remember how wonderful life can be without his throwing a ball against the house and singing, “Oh! You! Pretty Chitty Bang Bang!" the livelong day. You’ll think of something.)

We need pointers on how to behave at school meetings. In theory, parents and teachers come together to discuss ways and means of improving school conditions. In reality, these meetings are usually long discussions on whether or not the fall festival money should buy new roll-away bleachers for the gym or new saw horses to block off the playground during the fall festival. A parent must go to the meetings so his child’s room can win the attendance award. 

During the meetings, do not ask about reading programs or the quality of school lunches. This marks one as inexperienced or, at the least, stupid. It would be helpful if schools would issue brochures listing jobs you can do for them throughout the year. Time, tempers and manners would he more easily controlled if one could only check off “Sell candy bars for band uniforms” or "Dance chaperone" or “Lunch room duty." Because this is not the practice at most schools, all I can tell you is to be tactful and patient when your telephone rings eight million times daily. 

Some parents would like to know the proper way of giving advice when school officials ask opinions on textbooks or teaching methods. Don’t waste time worrying about this. The problem simply never comes up. —By Betty Canary, The Desert Sun, 1969

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

1920's Kids’ Lunchroom Etiquette

"Girls are usually daintier and more easily taught than boys, but most children will behave badly at table if left to their own devices. Even though they may commit no serious offenses, such as making a mess of their food or themselves, or talking with their mouths full, all children love to crumb bread, flop this way and that in their chairs, knock spoons and forks together, dawdle over their food, feed animals—if any are allowed in the room—or become restless and noisy." Emily Post 1922

School Lunch Room Etiquette for Girls and Boys in 1921

"Cleanness of body was ever deemed to proceed from a due reverence of God." — Bacon

1) See that your hands are clean.

2) Avoid rushing into or through the Lunch Room. Walk.

3) When carrying your food to your table, pay strict attention to getting it to its destination in safety.

4) Eat in the Lunch Room,—not in the corridors, nor in the Assembly Hall, nor on the street. Give four excellent reasons for this direction.

5) Eat slowly and noiselessly; don't "feed." Avoid talking when your mouth is full. Take small mouthfuls, so that you may talk without giving offense. Keep your lips closed when chewing. Never use your knife to carry food to your mouth.

6) In the Lunch Room, as elsewhere, sit with your knees together and with both of your feet on the floor, not on the rounds of your chairs.

7) Don't throw paper and refuse into the receptacles provided; drop it there.

8) Avoid boisterous talking and laughing.

The tones of the voice proclaim quite accurately the social background of the boy, the girl, the man, the woman. Her voice was ever soft, gentle, and low,—an excellent thing in woman.—Shakespeare 

9) Keep elbows and wraps off the Lunch Room tables; furthermore, do not sit on the tables.

10) Leave your place in the Lunch Room tidy and spotless, with your chair pushed up to the table.

11) Rise when an older person enters the room; remain standing until your courtesy is acknowledged, or until the older person is seated. (Optional with the teacher in the schoolroom.)

12) Boys, when a girl or an older person drops a pencil, a book, or anything of the sort, pick it up and return it unobtrusively, but with a little bow.

13) Avoid rushing from the room when the bell rings. Walk.

14) Open the door, boys, but let the girls pass out first, whenever practicable. When many are passing in opposite directions, keep to the right.

15) Never laugh at the accidents or misfortunes of others, even if they have a ridiculous side. Nothing shows ill-breeding so surely. He who laughs at others' woes finds few friends and many foes.

Compiled by contributor Gero-Dynamics©

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

5 Etiquette Tips to Create a Good Relationship with Your Child's Teacher

Strive to be a good role model in etiquette for your child - "Although character education is a hot topic in schools across the nation, education in manners generally receives scant attention. With growing demands on teaching time, etiquette is rarely a priority. But it might be a mistake to ignore the adage that actions speak louder than words." From Education World, 2010

Now that the children have made the adjustment back into school mode, begin to develop a good working relationship with your child’s teacher.  You are both team players working for the best interest of your child.  Being adversarial only aggravates the situation and your child will suffer from either embarrassment or not getting the help he/she really requires.  The following tips will assist you towards making a good impression.

1. Make a polite effort to open up the lines of communication – If possible, have a face to face introduction with the teacher and your child even before the school schedules a “Meet n’ Greet”.  Exchange email addresses to express any concerns that may develop.  Teachers may give out their home phone numbers to schedule a phone conversation. Please don’t abuse this privilege by telephoning about unimportant topics. Remember that your child is just one of many that makes up a classroom, and the teacher has limited free time available.

2. Respect the parent/teacher conference schedule – Arrive on time and use your alloted time wisely. Your child’s teacher often has more than 25 students in a class, and their families to interview as well. If you will be late for some reason, contact the teacher to reschedule. He/she may not be able to stay longer at the school to accommodate you.

"In 1999, 73% of Americans in an ABC News/World News Tonight poll thought manners were worse than 20 or 30 years ago. Respondents primarily placed the blame on inadequate parenting. They also cited movies and television shows that encouraged children to be less respectful of others. Under those circumstances, it's no surprise that manner illiteracy is rampant in classrooms from coast to coast." From Education World, 2010

3. Don’t place unrealistic expectations on the teacher – If your child seems bored or gifted, asking for extra work or special treatment may be unfair until yearly testing is done.  However, if your child has issues like allergies, behavioural problems, or a learning disability, the school needs to know and will make every effort to accommodate his/her needs.

The fine points of acceptable manners will vary slightly from place to place and from decade to decade. Experts agree however, that behavior based on respect is still the ultimate goal. Sadly, too many adults are exhibiting less civility toward one another, and children are unfortunately following suit with their peers and teachers in the classroom, and at school.

4. Reduce chaos in your child's morning – Preparing the night before will make the morning rush less chaotic. Set a structure for your child to follow. Help your child to be prepared each day with lunch made, homework completed and clean clothes to wear.  

5. Punctuality is polite – Be punctual for school. Ten minutes before the first bell. This is a good life lesson for your child as it shows respect for people’s time.  Tardy children disrupt their classmates and the teacher in the middle of instructing.  If your child will be late arriving by bus or absent from school, please let the school know in a timely manner.

Working together will mean the greatest success for your child.  Be open to the observations that your child’s teacher may reveal to you in areas of socialisation as well as scholastics that may assist your child.  Keeping a positive outlook will mean a terrific school year for you, your child and your child’s teacher.

By Canadian Contributor Maria Doll ~ An etiquette coach, Maria has been conducting personal consultations, workshops, camps and seminars for children, teens and young adults since 2009. Her etiquette program and company Leadership Matters has been featured in print, radio & television media.




Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Grade Schools

“Table manners are not an overriding priority. 'Adults care whether a child talks with food in his mouth,' Mr. Scott said, 'but the child's peers don't - unless the food happens to shoot out of the kid's mouth and land on somebody else's clothes.'”

FROM THE AGE of 4, most children can recite the litany of good table manners: 

• I won't talk with my mouth full. 
• I won't play with my food. 
• I won't put my elbows - or feet - on the table.

“Are they really models of comportment, or instead smaller versions of Bluto, the food-throwing churl in the movie 'Animal House'?”

But do children actually mind their manners, especially away from home? How do they function in the school lunchroom? Are they really models of comportment, or instead smaller versions of Bluto, the food-throwing churl in the movie ''Animal House''?

In 2011, China Set Classes in Good Manners for Schoolchildren 

The Chinese government is making schoolchildren take classes in what it calls “civilised manners.” The education ministry says the aim is to enhance the ethical quality of the nation and China's influence abroad. Before the 2008 Beijing Olympics, authorities launched campaigns against things like spitting and littering to avoid offending foreign visitors.  

The new classes range from basic table manners to the art of holding conversations and delivering speeches. According to the education ministry's website, teaching courtesy should combine "the traditional virtues of the Chinese nation" and "the salutary achievements of civilizations in other parts of the world". Detailed guidelines have been published, with classes tailored to the age of the child.

Chinese children will also be taught to respect their elders and the customs of ethnic minorities

Among key lessons for primary school students are using courteous language, observing traffic rules and respecting the elderly. Children a little older will be learning about phone and correspondence etiquette, how to dress properly and how to hold polite conversations with both Chinese and foreigners. High school students are expected to master the etiquette of debate and delivering speeches, but they should also know how to keep a proper distance from other people when they are queuing or using a lift. "The campaign is very necessary for our society now," Xin Tao, vice director of the National Assessment of Education Quality, told the Global Times. 

Younger children will be taught about traffic rules, table manners and using courteous language

Abigail Mawdsley, from the BBC's Asia Pacific desk, says the campaign reflect two things. Firstly, they signify a concern - with the waning of communist ideology - about the values underpinning society. But they also show an awareness that the behaviour of citizens affects a country's image, she says, and that commanding global respect involves more than simple economic and military might. Authorities have shown concern in the past about the habits and behaviour of some of their citizens.  But the goal now appears to be to drill manners into people from an early age.

In 1988, visits to four New York City schools and interviews with several principals around the country revealed that for most students, lunch is, first, a chance to be convivial, and only second a time to eat. To encourage a merry but civilized lunchtime, and keep the noise level tolerable, schools enforced an assortment of rules. Depending on the age of the student body, the kind of restrictions and the location, rules varied from Draconian to nonexistent. As for manners, they improved in direct proportion to age.

The strictest rules were for the very young. At Manhattan's Trinity School, Public School 3 and the T.A.G. School (for talented and gifted elementary-school students), all the children had to follow the same standards of etiquette - don't yell and don't leave the table until excused. But each school ran its lunchroom differently.

Children need limits and need to know the consequences of their behavior.

On the block adjacent to the T.A.G. School, in East Harlem on East 109th Street, a panhandler hustled for change. At midday, idle men passed time drinking from whisky bottles badly disguised in paper bags. Amid this harsh scene, T.A.G. was a strictly run, yet cheerful oasis for 265 children, all of whom had I.Q.'s of 130 and above. Uniformed guards stood watch at the entryways and directed visitors down the school's brightly decorated corridors. Classes ranged from pre-kindergarten to sixth grade.

''I believe children need structure to learn, whether it's math or respect for themselves and others,'' said Renee LaCorbiniere, director of T.A.G. and ''Miss LaCorbiniere'' to her students. ''They need limits, and they need to know the consequences of their behavior.''

At T.A.G., the rules were spelled out. Lunchroom behavior was based on a commendation system. Alternating, Miss LaCorbiniere and Carmen V. Pizarro, assistant director, supervised the lunchroom and gave commendations for good behavior. Three times a year, the classroom with the most of them won an ice-cream or pizza party.

Siobhan Carter, 8 years old, briskly itemized the rules. ''Don't fight, don't run. When they blow the whistle, you can't talk and if you talk, you have to stand against the wall and you can't go out to play.''

If a class cleaned its table (everyone had a seat assignment), it gets a commendation, but if a student ran from the cafeteria, the class forfeited it. Asked why students generally behaved so well, Natasha Jones, Natasha Lewis and Aixa Moran, fourth-grade students, chorused, ''The party is what makes you clean up!''

If students understand the basic rules, some also know the subtle niceties of etiquette. “My mother and father make me eat nicely,'” Natasha Jones said.

If students understood the basic rules at the time, some also knew the subtle niceties of etiquette. ''My mother and father make me eat nicely,'' Natasha Jones said. ''They say: 'Don't waste money. Eat what you're given because some people don't have food. Don't talk with your mouth full, and don't chew with your mouth open.''

Niceties, however, sometimes perish in the face of unrestrained playfulness. In line to choose between grilled cheese sandwiches and empanadas, one little girl grabbed 12 ketchup packets, laughed at her greed and happily foisted six off on a friend. One 4-year-old eating a melted cheese sandwich separated the bread, pulling out the cheese and licking the long, gooey strands off her fingertips.
  

Shrill whistle blasts told the children they could put on coats and queue up to go outside to play. Others remained behind, eagerly eating and talking - not necessarily simultaneously. Ifetayo Abdus-Salam, 4, held a bunch of grapes aloft and with Bacchanalian relish licked the bottom grape and then bit it off with glee.

At P.S. 3, in Greenwich Village, students called the principal by his first name, uniformed security guards were absent and lunchroom rules were comparatively lax. The principal, John Melser, wanted the kindergarteners and first-graders served at the table, so they wouldn't have to wait in line or grapple with trays. ''The Board of Health insists that the serving of food be done by the official servers, and not by the teachers,'' Mr. Melser explained, ''Since the servers couldn't possibly serve the little ones at the table and the rest of the student body standing in line, we're back to the line.''

In 1988, visits to four New York City schools and interviews with several principals around the country revealed that for most students, lunch is, first, a chance to be convivial, and only second a time to eat.

CHILDREN were not to sit on tables, stand on seats or leave tables littered. Teachers either patroled the room or sat with their students. The major concern was keeping the noise level down.

''Noise breeds confusion,'' observed Steve Scott, a kindergarten and first-grade teacher. ''That's why they can't kneel on the chairs, because that makes them edgy and lunch becomes just another nervous event of hurry, hurry, hurry.''

To keep the children calm, teachers asked them to lower their voices and stay in their seats. Table manners were not an overriding priority. ''Adults care whether a child talks with food in his mouth,'' Mr. Scott said, ''but the child's peers don't - unless the food happens to shoot out of the kid's mouth and land on somebody else's clothes.''

From the NY Times, 1988 and BBC Asia Pacific, 2011

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J.Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia