Etiquette… the Hostess’s Bugbear

The idea that failure to do either one thing or the other marks one as unversed in the ways of society, is ridiculous. Ease of manner is the real mark of good breeding. If one is afraid to do the natural thing, ease of manner is impossible.

ETIQUETTE has become the bugbear of the hostess. It has been written about and talked about so much that it overshadows the delight of ordinary social intercourse. “Shall I do this?” “Shall I do that?” are the constant queries of people who have hitherto been entirely happy and correct in doing the natural thing. Of course, there are certain customs of good society that we all want to be conversant with; but etiquette is another word for usage, and usage is built up on good sense and good manners.

“Should I pick up a spoon that falls from the dinner table?” asks one harassed inquirer. “Why not?” is the answer. If there are servants at hand who can do it for you, or the spoon is not perfectly clean, or it has rolled to such a position that it would cause a diversion to grope for it, one's good sense bids it lie. But if it is within easy reach and the impulse is to pick it up, then do it. The idea that failure to do either one thing or the other marks one as unversed in the ways of society, is ridiculous. Ease of manner is the real mark of good breeding. If one is afraid to do the natural thing, ease of manner is impossible.

Entertaining, of course, offers its own special problems, but the hostess' greatest asset is a sense of hospitality and enjoyment of her guests. To be surrounded with things that are beautiful and charming is the desire of most people. If our surroundings are right and we endeavor to be as natural as possible, entertaining becomes a comparatively simple matter. It is essential, however, that the surroundings be right, and a hostess’ real necessity for perfect entertaining is correct service that is, charming linen, good china, and the best and most complete silverware equipment she can afford.

It is not always possible for the girl starting housekeeping to have all the silverware she would like, neither is it always wise for her to try. There is a danger that she will be tempted to buy inferior ware and make up in quantity what she lacks in quality. Each year, however, the service should be added to; for while the world may look leniently on the shortcomings in the service of the bride, it expects the hostess of standing to entertain with dignity and distinction.— From “ Etiquette, Entertaining and Good Sense,” 1923

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Manners Simplified

The little courtesy of suggesting to an interested acquaintance that you will be glad to see him in your own home, can not be improper. It offers dignified hospitality and suggests friendly good will, so it is kind. It is surely in better taste to meet your friends in your home than at dances or public entertainments of any sort. 

MANNERS are the gracious way of doing things. No better rule for “good form” and “etiquette” can ever be evolved than this simple little statement. Kind hearted people have the first asset toward good manners. If they govern their kindly impulses by good taste and common sense, they are sure to act in a manner that far exceeds “the proper thing” in human value. 

Take the simple question of whether a girl shall ask a man to call on her or not. The little courtesy of suggesting to an interested acquaintance that you will be glad to see him in your own home, can not be improper. It offers dignified hospitality and suggests friendly good will, so it is kind. It is surely in better taste to meet your friends in your home than at dances or public entertainments of any sort. 

And common sense ought to indicate to any girl whether a man is sufficiently interested in her to want the opportunity of seeing her again or not. For most of any question where you doubt the certainty as to what is the proper thing to do, just apply kindness, common sense and good taste. And you will be as well off as if you had studied manners in a finishing school or a book of etiquette. – By Beatrice Fairfax, 1916

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Driving Etiquette Affects Accident Stats

On the road, "stripped of the varnish of modern culture, the primal instincts reveal themselves." accccording to car dealer.

Road Courtesy is Asked by Chandler Manager — Says Real Instinct Reveals Man Behind Wheel

"The courtesy of the road” — that's where the true gentleman reveals himself." So declares Ron Smith, sales manager of the Earl V. Armstrong, Inc., local distributer for the Chandler car. "Nowhere does the exemplification of the Golden Rule count for more than on the highways,” he contends. 

"Here, stripped of the varnish of modern culture, the primal instincts reveal themselves. "If every man who drove would treat fellow motorists as he does guests in the home or office, we would see the frightful toll of auto accidents cut in half."

Accident Analysis

"Analysis of the majority of accidents shows that some one disregarded traffic rules and courtesies, some one wanted to ’beat the other fellow,' or worse still, some one was a 'road hog' and tried to monopolize the whole landscape. It is indeed a real and rare treat to meet one of the altogether too few genial, courteous drivers. I got to a busy street intersection the other day just as a kind-faced, elderly gentleman reached it from the otherside. He really had the right of way, but instead of jamming on power and glowering at me, he smiled genially and with a wave of his hand, signaled me to go on."

Kindly Act

“It was a little thing, of course, but do you know that kindly act and that smile started the day right for me, and left me thinking human folks weren’t so bad after all. The strangest part of the whole thing, is that the worst tyrants of the wheel are often business men of superior education, who practice extreme courtesy in their daily pursuits and wouldn't think of committing a breach of etiquette in the social world. The same simple rules apply in the motor world as In business or social life. Simply think of the other fellow first, and accord him every consideration possible. Try it and you'll find it pays big in motor satisfaction." – Los Angeles Herald, 1917

Etiquette Enthusiast Maura J Graber is the Site Moderator and Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette is Much More Than Rules

"Protocol is not there to dictate to you. It is there to help you." Barbara Bush 

Seeing Etiquette Through a Different Lens ... It’s Not Always About Which Fork to Use!

 by Hilary Robinson

There are occasions, when telling people that I provide training on the subject of Etiquette and Protocol, that they look at me like I have an extra head. Every now and then I can even see their internal dialogue written on their face: ‘that’s so old-fashioned’, ‘she’s clearly living in the past’, ‘oh no, she’s going to critique everything I say and do’. This last one is the most common; at a recent event the host of my table looked up as I approached and exclaimed, more-or-less in jest, ‘great, I’ve got the etiquette expert!’ (I don’t by the way, unless asked.)

I put these responses down to the fact that many people equate etiquette with ‘rules’ – rules that govern our every move, and get us into trouble if we don’t follow them.

Yes, there are rules when it comes to etiquette and protocol but though they can seem frivolous, they are actually very helpful. Many stem from common sense and are in place to help us navigate business and social settings; some are driven by interacting with other cultures; others, leftovers of bygone eras, fading into the past.

However, I believe, firmly, that etiquette is so much more than simply a set of rules. You can take your pick of words and phrases: etiquette, courtesy, civility, polite behaviour, consideration for others – but when it comes down to it, all of these ensure that we carry out our daily interactions – be they business meetings, hosting an event, or passing someone on the street – in a thoughtful, kind manner, which, in turn, shows others that we value their time and attention.

I don’t view the ‘rules’ as being stiff, old-fashioned directives. I see them, instead, as the tools we use to give us the confidence and freedom to interact with others under any, and all, circumstances. Sometimes it is about which fork to use – and if you know which fork to use you can ignore your place setting and pay attention to your guests.

And, the great thing about knowing the rules is knowing how, when and where you can break them.

Meet our newest contributor, Hilary Robinson, the Senior Trainer and Owner of Polished Professionals in Toronto, Canada. With her background, spent running events for Prime Ministers, CEOs and academics (in the UK and Canada), one might think that she’s all about following the rules. However, she prefers to train people to understand their parameters, what it means to follow them, what advantages there are in knowing how and when to bend them, and the value in using good manners to put others at ease. With 20 years working worldwide in events and communications, Hilary believes manners and courtesy are not only powerful communication tools but the foundations on which self-confidence and success grow. It's understanding that not all social or business situations are created equal, and knowing how to deal with those differences, that gives us our ability to be our best and to succeed. (Oh, and she’s completely passionate (and nerdy) about all this… if you have any questions feel free to ask!)

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia