Etiquette for Addressing a Widow

Maureen Eleva Reardon’s columns and advice were called “The new etiquette” back in the mid 1970’s…

Q. When a person's husband is deceased, is it proper to use the name “Mrs. John Smith?” Mrs. F. W., Fort Smith? Wayne, Ind.

A. That's the customary way of doing it. The main alternate would be for Mrs. Smith to call herself “Mrs. Mary Smith.” It's not a good alternative since that combination has generally come to mean that a woman is divorced. The woman could also call herself “Ms. Mary Smith” if she preferred. I like “Mrs. John Smith” better.

When to use the term "Mrs. John Smith" is another question. It's sensible for a woman to identify herself as “Mary Smith” in social conversation, since her name is, after all, “Mary” and not “John.” She might add “My husband was the late John Smith” if the explanation is necessary.

Business dealings are another matter. If all of the family's accounts have been in her husband's name, for instance, she may find that she must identify herself as “Mrs. John Smith” to avoid the wrath of the computers.- By Maureen Eleva Reardon, 1974

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

When the Widowed Remarry

We're delighted to let you know that we'll be married October 12 at 11 a.m. at the First Methodist Church. It would help make our day if you could come to the ceremony, and to the wedding brunch at the Comstock Hotel. Please don't bring a gift... your good wishes are sufficient.

Q. I am a middle-aged widow marrying a widower. We will have a small informal church wedding inviting close friends and relatives. My etiquette book says that the invitation should be personal notes. I would like a sample wording of such a note from you. Also, we would like to include a “no gifts please” note. Would this be aсceptable?  P.R., Fort Worth, Texas.

A. Your invitation might read something like this: 

Dear Mary and Tom:

We're delighted to let you know that we'll be married October 12 at 11 a.m. at the First Methodist Church. It would help make our day if you could come to the ceremony, and to the wedding brunch at the Comstock Hotel. Please don't bring a gift... your good wishes are sufficient.

Pam and Joe

You will note that I recommend that the invitation be extended by both you and your fiancé. The traditional way is to have the woman. write, extend and accept all invitations. The start of a marriage is a good time to start eliminating this archaic custom.- By Maureen Eleva Reardon, 1974

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

“Duty Dancing” Dilemma

When the wife, hostess and dinner partner are three separate persons, it’s more complicated... sort of like choosing between three dentists. We’ll obviously have to rule out the hostess…

Q. At a large dinner party, who should the gentleman dance with first, second, third wife, hostess, dinner partner? - Mrs. L. G., Miami Beach, Fla.

A. Lucky the man whose wife is both dinner partner and hostess, for he doesn't have the problem of deciding which duty dance to dance first.

When the wife, hostess and dinner partner are three separate persons, it's more complicated... sort of like choosing between three dentists. We'll obviously have to rule out the hostess, since all the men in the room can't dance with her at once.

Presuming that the party you are talking about is a formal arrangement, then every wife would have a dinner partner to dance with her. Everybody could dance with their dinner partners. This circumvents the problem of men having to search out their wives. I assume that the room won't be full of touchy wives who feel neglected because they didn't get the first dance with their husbands. - By Maureen Eleva Reardon, 1974

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia