George V Bucked Victoria’s Etiquette

King George V and Queen Mary of the British Empire were crowned Emperor and Empress of India at the Delhi Durbar in December 1911, with celebrations continuing into January 1912. This historic Delhi Durbar was the only ever attended by a reigning Monarch. The Durbar marked the official proclamation of the King and Queen’s Imperial titles in India. 

 

King George MAy Be Crowned in India 

LONDON. Dec. 2.—The King and Queen hope to be crowned at Delhi as Emperor and Empress of India on Jan. 1. 1912. The announcement of this epoch making event has come as a great surprise, as there is no precedent for such a function. 

Queen Victoria, who was proclaimed Empress of India in 1877, never at any time contemplated holding a Coronation Durbar. King Edward visited India when he was Prince of Wales, but adhered strictly to the rules of royal etiquette laid down.by his mother, and never saw any of his colonial dominions after he came to the throne. – The Humboldt Times, 1910

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Etiquette: Credit Only When Due

Receiving Undeserved Credit 
for a Job Well Done

Doing good work can and should bring accolades.  But what if you receive undeserved credit for an accomplishment?  

You can’t in good conscience accept credit for a job well done when you didn’t actually do all of the work or when other people deserve recognition as well.  And yet, correcting the person offering you congratulations would make them uncomfortable or cause embarrassment.

Deflection Is a Great Tool

Being acknowledged and complimented meaningfully is something we all enjoy.  And it’s just as enjoyable to give a compliment unless you give it incorrectly.

When someone has given you undeserved credit or congratulated you for something you had little or nothing to do with, deflecting rather than outright correcting can help them save face.

• “John, thanks for giving me credit, but Bill Shrewsbury and Sally Henley deserve the bulk of the credit, as they did all the groundbreaking background work.  I’m honored that you consider me a worthy part of this team.”
  
  
• “You are so kind to give me credit for the accomplishment, Todd.  However, my only mark on the success of this program is to claim a small role in the early stages of the project.”
  
  
• “Gillian, thanks for thinking of me, and though there are many things I can take credit for, I confess, this accomplishment actually belongs to Vincent.”

Honesty Prevails

Getting credit for your work and accomplishments happens as you aim for effectiveness and do your work well.  Letting others know what you did, including meeting a deadline, what you contributed to a project, and the beneficial ideas you came up with are not conceited ideas. Rather, they are a way of keeping track of yourself and your work.

Being etiquette-ful requires that we be truthful.  In our weaker moments, it might feel easier to let a compliment slide and we know that another person may be struggling to find the right words in a conversation.  Our kindness will go a long way as we accept their willingness to be generous in bestowing praise.  However, any situation benefits from honesty.

• “Millie, I think we should turn this around.  Here you are giving me credit, but I assure you, it’s you and your associates who deserve a round of applause!  Look at all you have done to bring this event to fruition!”
  
  
• “Well, thanks for saying this, John.  But though I contributed with the original idea, it’s others who carried the ball and made something of it.”
  
  
• “I’d be remiss if I didn’t seize this opportunity of congratulations to bear witness to the real person behind the scenes, none other than you, Tylor MacIntosh.  Our entire company should know who the real hero is.”

Seeking opportunities to congratulate others instead of accepting undeserved credit will make you feel great and will only enhance your reputation as a team player on the small and large stages of life.  Anytime you seek to prevent misunderstanding, you’ve gone a long way in making it a better world.   

 Contributor Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

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Thanksgiving Manners: Different Views

                    

“… whoever got his dessert first started right in without waiting for the others to be served. We cleared the table by stacking the dishes. Once we were invited to our fancy relatives for supper. When we sat down at the table, my sister - who was about 11 – announced gleefully, as children do when they figure they have caught a grown-up in a mistake, ‘Somebody gave me two forks!’ We had never heard of a salad fork.”

Saints and Sinners – Etiquette at the Table

No matter how memorable your Thanksgiving was, the chances are it didn't hold a drumstick to the riotous holiday festivities of Robert Allen and his young friends on one Thanksgiving Day past. Robert was 12 at the time. The parents of one of the two boys he hung out with were suddenly called away for the day.

The food for Thanksgiving dinner had already been bought, so it was arranged that the three boys would try their hand at cooking the small turkey and making their own meal. “We were given full instructions, which we followed with much horseplay,” Allen wrote in a magazine article years later. “As the smells began to emanate from the big wood range, we went around clumping one another on the back and chortling with satisfaction.

“What made the meal memorable,” he recalled, “was that we were on our own, free of sisters and mothers and able to dispense with such things as napkins, bread-and-butter plates, manners and all civilized restraint. We heaped mounds of mashed potatoes on our plates, took all the gravy the plates would hold, eliminated sissified thin slices and just cut the turkey in chunks - to match our appetites. If someone reached across the table and clawed off a choice piece, nobody sent him from the table. We just laughed and yelled and kept on eating.

“About halfway through the meal, we all got quiet. Nobody finished his mountainous serving. We cleaned up the dishes Without any enthusiasm and wandered off in different directions, not talking. I wasn't able to think of turkey with any sense of pleasure for quite a while. Whenever the meal was mentioned afterward, we had to pretend we had a wonderful time.

“Actually, we had all had an early lesson - that joy and lack of restraint are not synonymous. That there is something to be said for women’s ways. That there is real value in etiquette, formality and civilization. Robert Allen’s story brought back memories of what mealtime was like at our house when I was growing up. You could usually find the milk bottle on the kitchen table when we were eating.

“And whoever got his dessert first started right in without waiting for the others to be served. We cleared the table by stacking the dishes. Once we were invited to our fancy relatives for supper. When we sat down at the table, my sister - who was about 11 – announced gleefully, as children do when they figure they have caught a grown-up in a mistake, ‘Somebody gave me two forks!’ We had never heard of a salad fork.

“So I suppose you could say we grew up without any table manners. You could if you were talking about the kind of manners you read about in etiquette books. But after I grew up, I realized that we had been learning the kind of table manners that count. We were not allowed to stuff our mouths or talk with food in our mouths.

“We never criticized anything our mother put on our plates. We had to say ‘Please’ and ‘May I?’ and my father insisted on no nonsense at the table. Each of us said a table grace before we started eating, and another prayer before we left the table. I remember how shocked I was when I saw my first food fight at the fraternity house when I went to college. My father would have taken me out of college if he had seen the rolls and other food flying around the dining hall.

“As for Robert Allen, looking back with chagrin at the disastrous Thanksgiving dinner of his boyhood, he confessed. “In the future, whenever I let my appetite get away with me. I practically glowed with pleasure as my mother would lean across the corner of the table, rap me a good one behind the ear with her knuckle, and say sternly. ‘Robert, you're at the table!’” – George Plagenz, ©1999 Newspaper Enterprise Assn.

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Etiquette for Proclaiming Thanks

Sending gratitude and Thanksgiving greetings to all of our Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia readers.

THANKSGIVING PROCLAMATION

Strict Code of Etiquette in Handling the Sacred Document

It has been customary in recent years for the Department of State to draft each Thanksgiving proclamation. After the draft has been O. K.'d by the president, it is handed to the State Department's expert penman, who in his copper plate chirography writes it upon a large sheet of excellent parchment, which is sent to the president for his signature, and then. returned to the State Department to be signed by the Secretary of State.

Next it must be impressed with the great seal of the United States, whose custodian will refuse to place it even upon so important a document unless authorized to do so by a formal warrant signed by the President, for the use of the great seal or the possession of an impression without the chief executive's written authority is a grave offense, punishable by law. Indeed, the great seal -which was made by a jeweler at a cost of $10,000 and which is kept locked in a great rosewood case - is the most sacred instrument used by the government.

Having had this hallowed cipher of the republic pressed into it, the new Thanksgiving proclamation is filed away in the State Department archives, later to be found in its chronological order, with other accumulated proclamations.

Uncle Sam takes all of these technical pains merely to retain the handsomely written proclamation as his own souvenir. But before the instrument has been filed away a typewritten copy is sent to the state Department’s official printer, who has a shop of his own in the basement of our foreign office. His printed copies are given to the newspapers or to anyone who wishes.

Each of the state governors must also be sent an exact copy, but the department’s strict code of etiquette demands that these copies must not be printed. They are typewritten, and signed by the President’s and Secretary of State’s own hands. Each governor then seconds this move of the President in appointing the annual feast day of thanks and prayer and, in their turn, the mayors of cities now generally second the move of their governors. 

By such indirect means does the prompting of the nation’s thanks theoretically reach the people, who actually receive it directly from the President himself through that eliminator of red tape – delays in the daily newspaper. In some localities, the bishops receive the proclamation from the governors and hand it down in circular form to the lesser clergy, who read it from their pulpits upon the Sabbath following its issuance. 

In parts of New England it is still the custom to read the proclamation from the pulpit on two successive Sundays. These infinite pains are taken, despite the fact that there is nothing in the federal statute authorizing a President to set apart such a holy day. But the proclamations make the holiday legal.  –The Stockton Independent, November 1920

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A Washington DC Debut

The breakfast, with 35 tables at Raucher’s, was designed to outshine the famous Dolly Madison breakfast of last year and it would be almost a heresy to say it did not. —Public domain image of former American First Lady, Edith Wilson, photographed in 1915.

MRS. WILSON RECEIVED INTO WASHINGTON SOCIETY

WASHINGTON, April 5. When the first real official society function of the administration — the “debut” of Mrs. Woodrow Wilson — swung into being shortly after noon today, there was not one soupçon of politics to be found. Mrs. Wilson hates politics. and had refused to be a party to any event, however harmless and purely social, that had any political leaning. So when the introductory breakfast by the women of Washington was ar- ranged, the real opening of the White House season, the affair was as thoroughly representative of all factions that you could not say which or who was predominant. The breakfast, with 35 tables at Raucher’s, was designed to outshine the famous Dolly Madison breakfast of last year and it would be almost a heresy to say it did not.

Great care had to be employed to keep the tabooed political situation off the menu, because Mrs. Wilson had declined with polite armness any invitation to be chief guest at a breakfast of the Woman’s Democratic Club. So it remained for Mrs. Stephen B. Ayres to initiate a breakfast that would thrust all such entanglements far away.

Officially backing the breakfast were such organizations of women as the Daughters of the American Revolution. the Colonial Dames, the Washington Club, the Southern Relief Society and the Congressional Club, besides scores of individual women of official and social Washington.

Mrs. John W. Kern, wife of the senior senator from Indiana, was designated as toastmistress and at her right hand was seated the guest of honor. At Mrs. Kern's left was Mrs. Thomas Riley Marshall, wife of the vice president, and at Mrs. Wilson's right sat Mrs. William Jennings Bryan, wife of the secretary of state. The wives of other cabinet members were placed in carefully selected order beside these leaders of the administrative set great diplomacy having been employed to make the seating seem accidental, yet harmonious with recognized rules of the etiquette of the capital.

One of the little ceremonials at the One of the little ceremonials at the bead table was the pledging of one another by Mrs. Wilson, Mrs. Marshall, Mrs. Bryan and Mrs. Kern with a great colonial mace from the house of burgesses of Virginia. This over, the attention of the guests was turned to the menu and table chat.

When the final morsel had vanished and last sip of coffee had gone the way of all coffee, the guests gave ladylike gasps of content and turned to listen to an illustrated lecture by Abby Baker on “The Historic White House.” This discourse told of previous chief ladies of the land and of the many social events that had their being in the executive mansion. Little sidelights on people and things, told in a delightful vein, made the talk more of a personal reminiscence than a report from historical data.

Those who helped Mrs. Ayres get up and execute the breakfast were Mrs. Matthew T. Scott, Mrs. James W. Pinchot, Mrs. Henry F. Dimock of Washington and New York, Mrs. Albert Covington Janin, Mrs. Richey. Mrs. John Hays Hammond, Mrs. J. Taylor Ellyson of Richmond. Va., Miss Nannie Randolph Reath, Mrs. Duncan U. Fletcher and Mrs. Albert B. Cummins of Iowa.

It was all very select and very proper yet more than 350 women had secured tickets. There was no particular restriction because it had been given out very early in the new administration that “swell” doings were not on the four-year social program at all. And yet some who have attended other like functions said it was just as recherche as any and that Mrs. Wilson's debut would stand in history in just as glowing colors as the introductions of a dozen other mistresses of the White House.

Mrs. Pinchot is one of the leaders of the movement to abolish the burdensome “duty calls” which have proved so confusing to society at the capital. She proposes to rouse sentiment among members of the Congressional Club to carry out its primary object of mutual improvement. In previous adininistrations, Mrs. Pinchot declares, the women have deluged one another with calling cards, which came to mean little. “A machine could do that work as well,” she said. With the prospective “simplicity” of this administration, Mrs. Pinchot believes much of this useless “calling” can be dispensed with. — United Press Association, 1913

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Gilded Age Advice on Gracefulness

Study the graces of manner, motion, and position. Grace is natural, no doubt, but most of us have nearly lost sight of nature. It is often with the greatest difficulty that we find our way back to her paths. It seems a simple and easy thing to walk, and a still easier and simpler thing to stand or sit, but not one in twenty perform either of these acts with ease and grace. There are a hundred little things connected with attitude, movement, the carriage of the arms, the position of the feet and the like, which, though seemingly unimportant are really essential to elegance and ease. Never despise these little things, or be ashamed to acquire the smallest grace by study and practice.

You desire to be a person of “good standing” in society. How do you stand? We refer now to the artistic or esthetic point of view. If you are awkward, you are more likely to manifest your awkwardness in standing than in walking. Do you know where to put your feet and what to do with your hands? In the absence of any better rule or example, try to forget your limbs, and let them take care of themselves. But observe the attitudes which sculptors give to their statues; and study also those of children, which are almost always graceful, because natural. 

Avoid, on the one hand, the stiffness of the soldier, and, on the other, the ape-like suppleness of the dancing-master; and let there be no straining, no fidgeting, no uneasy shifting of position. You should stand on both feet, bearing a little more heavily on one than the other. The same general principles apply to the sitting posture. This may be either graceful, dignified, and elegant, or awkward, abject, and uncouth. The latter class of qualities may be got rid of and the former acquired, and depend upon it, it is a matter of some consequence which of them characterizes your position and movements. Walking is not so difficult an accomplishment as standing and sitting, but should receive due attention. 

It has a very close connection with character, and either of them may be improved or deteriorated through the other. A close observer and a sensible and trustworthy monitor of their own sex thus enumerates some of the common faults of women in their “carriage,” or manner of walking: “Slovenliness in walking characterizes some. They go shuffling along, precisely as if their shoes were down at the heel — ‘slipshod’ — and they could not lift up their feet in consequence. If it is dusty or sandy, they kick up the dust before them and fill their skirts with it. This is exceedingly ungraceful. If I were a gentleman, I really do not think I could marry a lady who walked like this; she would appear so very undignified, and I could not be proud of her.

“Some have another awkwardness. They lift up their feet so high that their knees are sent out before them showing the movement through the dress. They always seem to be leaving their skirts behind them, instead of carrying them gracefully about them. Some saunter along so loosely they seem to be hung on wires; others are as stiff as if they supposed only straight lines were agreeable to the eye; and others, again, run the chin forward considerably in advance of the breast, looking very silly and deficient in self-respect.

“Sometimes a lady walks so as to turn up her dress behind every time she puts her foot back, and I have seen a well-dressed woman made to look very awkward by elevating her shoulders slightly and pushing her elbows too far behind her. Some hold their hands up to the waist, and press their arms against themselves as tightly as if they were glued there; others swing them backward and forward, as a business man walks along the street. Too short steps detract from dignity very much, forming a mincing pace; too long steps are masculine.

“Some walk upon the ball of the foot very flatly and clumsily; others come down upon the heel as though a young elephant was moving; and others, again, ruin their shoes and their appearance by walking upon the side of the foot. Many practice a stoop called the Grecian bend, and when they are thirty, will pass well, unless the face be seen, for fifty years' old.”

Gymnastics, dancing, and the military drill are excellent auxiliaries in the work of physical training, though all of them may be, and constantly are, abused. We can not illustrate their application here. They will receive the attention they deserve in “Hints toward Physical Perfection,” already referred to as in preparation. - How To Behave: A Pocket Manual Of Republican Etiquette, And Guide To Correct Personal Habits, by Samuel R Wells, 1888

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Non-Hunting Safari Etiquette

TENTHOLD HINTS: Since Emily Post never wrote a book of etiquette for Africa, we decided we had to, because visitors frequently take appalling risks with animals out of ignorance or unwittingly cause offense to people. Here, then, are a few tips on manners and behaviour.

1. DO NOT FEED THE BEARS - This will not be difficult because there aren't any. However, in no circumstances attempt to offer food to or to touch wild animals, no matter how tame they may appear to be. In the bush there is no such thing as a tame animal-some are tolerant, but they are never tame. Dust Bin Nelly and her two daughters, a famous elephant trio, are daily visitors to the Lodge at Murchison Falls. A tourist once offered one of them a bun and got away with it, but the danger is that the next tourist may be killed for not offering a bun.

2. DO NOT COMPLAIN BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN A TIGER - You won't - there are no tigers in Africa, they are all in India.

3. DO NOT ASK WHERE THE WATER BUFFALO ARE - They are all in India with the tigers. We have “Cape Buffalo” referred to as just plain “buffalo,” unless you want to be very “in,” and then you say “buff.” Other popular animal vocabulary concerns collective nouns. There is a ‘pride of Lion,’ a ‘troop of baboon,’ a ‘pack of hyena or wild dog,’ a ‘colony of ants,’ a ‘herd of elephant’ and a ‘herd of buffalo, zebra, antelopes’ and so on. (It is not a herd of birds, but a flight of duck, a gaggle of geese, a flock of starlings.) If you are uncertain, remember you can always get out of it by saying, “Look at all those giraffe,” or by employing the numerical exactitude dodge, “I saw 837 wildebeests.”

Elephants Have The Right Of Way

Betty Bruce and Jock Leslie-Manville, the handsome husband and wife team who virtually pioneered the non- hunting safari in Africa, will present “Elephants Have the Right of Way” on Thursday evening, February 4th at the Luther Burbank High School Auditorium in Sacramento. The wildlife program, illustrated with color film, is a 15 00-mile tour of the wild game country of Kenya, showing such outstanding scenes as a crocodile and hippo escort down the Nile River, the Ngorengoro Crater where, 2000 feet below, herds of zebra, wildebeest, eland and gazelle roam, includes a visit to actor William Holden’s Mt. Kenya Safari Club, as well as a visit to the historic Treetops where Elizabeth of England climbed up a Princess and in the morning climbed down a Queen. 

For Betty Bruce, her present assignment is a far cry from her native Baltimore where she attended Johns Hopkins University and was a high-fashion model. But, except for brief periods when she has to return to the United States for her highly successful-lecture tours and appearances on such TV shows as “What's My Line?”, she has called Africa her home since 1960. Her husband, on the other hand, has lived in Africa all of his life, with the exception of his schooling at Eton. The grandson of a Scottish earl, he served in the Coldstream Guards and was aide to a colonial Governor of the country of Kenya before it gained its independence. 

He was also Executive Officer of the first non-racial political party, in Kenya and speech-writer to Africa nationalist leader Ronald Ngala. Two recent assignments for the couple have been the Jack Paar safaris which they have conducted and the publication of a book, “Tenthold Hints” which is now regarded as the book of etiquette for Africa. It includes such advice as “Do not complain because you haven’t seen a tiger. You won’t - there are no tigers in Africa, they are all in India,” and “Do not wear a pith helmet - This is about as chic as spats and high-buttoned shoes.” – California Aggie, 1971

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The Etiquette of Fondue

Don’t ask for chocolate fondue in Switzerland as it is not a traditional Swiss dish. – Put the fondue fork down directly on the table if there isn’t a tablecloth or rest the fondue fork in a spoon, if there is a table cloth, or rest it on a plate at your setting that is specifically for the fondue fork.

Fondue Rules and History

Dear Miss Etiquette: Please tell me how to properly eat fondue. Do you eat the dippers right off the fondue fork, or do you take it off and put it on your plate and eat it with a regular dinner fork? While you are at it, tell me how to eat chocolate fondue.
Signed, Concerned

Dear Concerned: Fondue has its own vocabulary. Fondue is a French word, meaning to “melt.” In culinary usage, fondue means “melting to an edible consistency,” and does not refer to cheese alone. Fondue is billed as the national dish of Switzerland. When you are eating fondue, you are called a “dipper” or a “dunker.”

As you may know, there are several types of fondue. Cheese fondue is served in a fondue pot. It is kept warm by electric heat or Sterno heat. A bowl of bite- sized squares of French bread accompany the pot.

A piece of bread is speared on a long fork, called a fondue fork, and then dipped into the hot cheese. When sufficiently coated, it is withdrawn, held over the pot for a moment or two to drip, and then moved over to a dinner plate where you remove the bread from the fondue fork with the tines of your dinner fork.

Put the fondue fork down directly on the table if there isn’t a tablecloth or rest the fondue fork in a spoon, if there is a table cloth, or rest it on a plate at your setting that is specifically for the fondue fork.

The bread is eaten with the dinner fork. The dinner fork is not used to spear the bread that is dipped into the cheese never, ever.

A true master of fondue dips the bread into the fondue pot in a back and forth motion while swirling the bread, at the same time, clockwise. You should give the fondue a final turn, always in this same clockwise direction, for the next person who is about to dip.

Chocolate fondue is also served in a pot. A chunk of cake or a piece of fruit is speared on a long fondue fork and dipped into the chocolate until thoroughly coated.

After it is withdrawn, it is held over the pot for a moment or two before being transferred to a dessert plate where it is removed from the fondue fork by a dessert fork. The chocolate-coated cake or piece of fruit is eaten with the dessert fork. What a wonderful thought!

It is truly Swiss Alpine cooking that has become so international, Italy is credited with fondue in a book by Eric Weir (an Englishman) entitled, “When Madame Cooks.” You may be interested in knowing fondue was introduced to New York in 1795 by Jean-Anthelme Brillat-Savarin during his two-year exile during the French Revolution.

Some of the basics of fondue are:

• A successful fondue party is limited to eight persons; 
• If fondue is over-cooked, it will become stringy; 
• It is proper etiquette to keep the fondue in a constant stir while never allowing it to stand still; 
• At some fondue parties if the bread comes off of a dunker's fondue fork, the dunker pays a forfeit of a bottle of wine.
• By the way, if the ever popular Swiss cheese fondue becomes too thick, you may add a little heated wine to it. 
• At some point, it will cook down and there will be a crust at the bottom of the pot. The host usually forks it out and divides it among the guests. 
• If chocolate fondue becomes too thick, enjoy it anyway. – Anita Shower, 2001

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Dignity at U.S. Capital

Newcomer wives at the nation’s capital didn’t know the dress or etiquette required of them, “Before the end of the first session, they learn to get their gowns from Paris and their gloves from-who-ever is the most the mode; while about the etiquette of visits and the place they insist on at table they are as inflexible as if they had been born at the White House and never been out of sight of the Capitol.” – Above, public domain image of high fashion from Europe of 1888.

Originally, it is said in history, the United States senate was a very dignified body; its members were returned for many successive terms; they were men who belonged to the old colonial aristocracy, which held itself aloof from and above the people as distinctly as the landed gentry does to-day in England. 

The tradition of this has descended; much of the dignity, it is true, has evaporated, but the recollection of the personal consideration still lingers, and the women of the family make the most of it. It is amusing to watch some of these ladies. 

Many arrive in Washington knowing nothing of the social usages that prevail there; ignorant of the very meaning of precedence; not aware that people ever go in to dinner in any peculiar order or with any significance. They wear high bodied gowns and unfashionable gloves when they first dine out and make their husbands put on yellow cravats to “look like other men.” But all this changes in single season. 

Before the end of the first session, they learn to get their gowns from Paris and their gloves from-who-ever is the most the mode; while about the etiquette of visits and the place they insist on at table they are as inflexible as if they had been born at the White House and never been out of sight of the Capitol. –Adam Badeau in New York World, 1888

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The 1980’s Etiquette Elegance Revival

Elegance in entertaining returned to the White House in the 1980’s - State dinners had become so large by Ronald Reagan's presidency that none of the china  sets could accommodate the number of guests. First Lady Nancy Reagan ordered 4,370 pieces of Lenox china, enough place settings of 19 pieces each, for 220 people. This was nearly twice as many placesettings as other recent services. The Reagans wanted a design that would display a strong presence for the subtly colored State Dining Room, now painted white. Nancy Reagan worked closely with Lenox designers to create a pattern with bands in a striking scarlet red, which was her favorite color. The pattern was bordered on each side with etched gold, which created a sparkling contrast with the soft ivory china. The presidential seal was in raised gold in the center, partially overlaying the red border. On pieces such as the service and dessert plates, fine gold crosshatching overlays the red. The Reagans were often criticized for the $209,508 cost, but the china was not funded by taxpayers. It was paid for by the J.P. Knapp Foundation.

Fashions In Etiquette Swing Back To Elegance

A whole new generation harkens to the age-old admonition. “Mind your manners.”

“Certainly there has been a big upswing of interest in manners. courtesy, etiquette, call it what you will, these last few years,” said Elizabeth Post, social arbiter. “Just as in fashion apparel, the pendulum swings. Now the direction in manners is back to elegance.”

Mrs. Post is the granddaughter-in-law of Emily Post, whose name was synonymous with proper behavior and the rules of etiquette.

“Oh, I don't mean we will go back to the Victorian era,” said Elizabeth Post, who became an authority on decorum in her own right. “Many of the old rules are impractical now. We seem to be seeking a happy medium.”

Young parents, who saw or perhaps were part of the rebellion against everything traditional in the 1960s, want to teach their children about manners almost forgotten during that period, and after.

“I see the swing in many ways,” Mrs. Post said. “Schools again hold proms. Twenty years ago, the prom was a no-no. I see it in my mail. my telephone calls, articles in magazines, just in the general interest.”

Mrs. Post could have added that she saw the change, too, in the proliferation of etiquette advisers catering to the young. Several now conduct workshops for young people, to teach manners of dress, meeting people. manners at the table, on the telephone, on the dance floor.

She is among those in the act, holding “summer camps” during August at The Breakers, a luxury hotel in Palm Beach, Fla. There are two age groups - 8 to 10, and 11 to 14.

“The Breakers approached me about the workshops,” she said. The hotel, built by Henry Flagler during his heyday as a Florida real estate developer, dreamed up a vacation package that included parents and children.

The manners sessions are an hour each day and embrace personal appearance, the art of conversation, mealtime manners, behavior in public (theater, travel, sports), dress, telephone manners and such details as writing thank-you notes.

The swing back to being proper, but not prissy, is caused by many factors, Mrs. Post said. There is just the natural move away from the extremes of the 1960s, the gradual uplifting of the economy, and specifically the example set by the current White House occupants.

“The president and his family set a standard,” said Mrs. Post. “There is more entertaining at the White House, more formal occasions.”

One reason for workshops is the fact that parents want their children to know the rules of the road, as it were, but don't have the time to drill them constantly. “Working mothers simply can't be there all the time.” she said. “And children take instruction better from someone other than parents anyway. I would hope that parents teach the basics of ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ but by the age of 8, most children are ready for manners in public.”

Elizabeth Post and her husband, William, are directors of the Emily Post Institute, an umbrella title for all the projects in which they are active.

Periodically, they revise the various etiquette books. She also is a contributing editor for Good Housekeeping magazine, is busy on the lecture circuit, does promotion, and also serves as an etiquette consultant.

The Posts live on an old farm at Waterbury Center, Vt. They have four children. all married, and eight grandchildren. She's an avid golfer and both are expert scuba divers. They planned to get in some diving while in Florida for opening of The Breakers' workshops.

Mrs. Post said etiquette really doesn’t change; it's a basic code of behavior. Manners, as the means of etiquette, do change. They are “a practical or attractive way of doing something.” she said, in a telephone interview. “They smooth the path among people. They make you more attractive to others.” - By Gay Pauley, UPI Senior Editor, 1983

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette Often Lacking in Colonial Ms.

Molly Pitcher at the Battle of Monmouth, painted by D.N. Carter. –“Molly Pitcher” was the popular name for Mrs. Ludwig Hayes – Courtesy of Historic Fraunces Tavern Museum for the Desert Sun, 1975

         The Role of the Colonial Ms.

Colonial women defied generalization. They were neither fashion plates nor queen bees. They proved a testy lot, durable as rawhide, serving with their tough-minded, tabasco-tongued men in a violent and primitive land.

Mobs were not uncommon in the city, and like as not they were mobs of women. Some stripped and tarred offensive members of the community. The women of Schoharie County, N.Y., for instance, made manifest their indignation at being served eviction notices by the local sheriff by dragging him through the street, riding him on a rail and sending him home with two broken ribs and one remaining eye.

The same spirit, directed toward worthy ends, made for remarkable testimonials to the business acumen and accomplishments of colonial women. Eliza Pinckney, daughter of a British army officer, founded the multi-million dollar indigo dye industry of South Carolina. Mrs. Martha Smith carried on in her husband's stead as the master of a testy, leather-necked lot of Long Island whalers.

Likewise, the irrepressible Mrs. Sueton Grant of Newport, R.I., became a merchant princess in command of a sizable fleet of ships left to her by her husband. The very liberated Mrs. Grant was a tough and determined adversary. She believed in standing up to her rights in court Literally. Once, convinced that her counsel was bungling her law case, she rose to press the fight herself, secured her verdict and probably became the first woman to practice law in any English-speaking country.

Colonial women were by no means barred from commercial pursuits. Opportunities were as varied as imagination, and America's women did not lack for imagination. They did anything that came to mind. In New York, for instance, widows were accustomed to opening saloons; and New York State looked upon the grant of a tavern license to a widow as a modest form of social security. In nearby Bordentown, N.J., the redoubtable Patience Lovell Wright, widowed with three small children, turned to her long-standing hobby of molding effigies in clay and wax, and she prospered at this unique endeavor. By 1771, Mrs. Wright had an extremely successful New York showing a la Madame Tussaud.

America was already a nation of individuals. While some families taught their daughters the niceties of etiquette and the simple pleasures of needle wisdom, others even families of quality raised young ladies who smoked pipes, drank in an age of ferocious drinkers, and swore in a time when an oath was an oath and a curse could get you kicked out of town.

And colonial women did not hesitate to fight alongside their men when the Revolution changed from an idea in the minds of the people to a reality on the battlefield. Wives followed husbands into the field of war. Much more than camp followers, they proved to be smoke eaters involved in the thick of battle. One is reminded of the leather-tough women of Schoharie County when one reads this eyewitness account of tobacco-smoking, plug-chewing, oath-swearing soldier Mrs. Ludwig Hayes.

“A woman whose husband belonged to the artillery and who was then attached to a piece in the engagement, attended with her husband at the piece the whole time. While in the act of reaching a cartridge and having one of her feet as far before the other as she could step, a cannon shot from the enemy passed directly between her legs without doing any other damage than carrying away all the lower part of her petticoat. Looking at it with apparent unconcern, she observed that it was lucky it did not pass a little higher, for in that case it might have carried away something else, and continued her occupation.”

Filled with the new ideas of independence and equality, women helped to build this nation as surely as did the men. Although feminism was not a household word in Revolutionary America, as it is today, equal opportunity was a reality that many Colonial women enjoyed. – Adapted from the book “We the People,” (c)1975, Hallmark Cards, Inc. Reprinted by permission by The Desert Sun, 1975

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Diplomatic and Forgiveness Tea

Ordinarily sensible men, of hearty honesty, would have each said for himself “I forgive and hope to be forgiven for errors in this matter,” and they would have shaken hands upon it, and if any body felt interest enough to enquire about, both would have acknowledged to the reconciliation. – Public domain image of General Butler, who later became the Governor of Massachusetts

Three Years After Civil War, General Grant and General Butler have become reconciled –

An invitation to tea has naturally followed.

General Grant, who in his famous report of military proceedings before Petersburg, spoke of Butler as being bottled up at Bermudas Hundreds, and who by that report sends Butler down through history to the latest posterity as a “Bottled Hero,” kindly said that he did not know of his own knowledge whereof he so solemnly reported, and Butler regards that as taking back the offensive report. This being so satisfactorily settled there was a little difficulty about an invitation to tea, which these two great minds had to deliberate upon. 

George Wilkes, editor of the Spirit of the Times, was mediator, intercessor and diplomat all through. The Bottled Up question did not trouble him much, for Grant readily acknowledged that he spoke in his report in a Pickwickian sense, and then too, outside of what he himself knew. Butler could want no more than this - unless he might desire a few more spoons and so Wilkes had the thing fixed. The tea party question presented more difficulties. 

Grant had invited Butler to tea, which in view of the fact that Grant's spoons are pure silver, showed great bravery on the part of Grant. Butler replied in an insulting note because Grant had reported him as a bottled up warrior. The diplomacy of George Wilkes was put up to the straining point to settle this, and divers letters and interviews had to be sent and to take place, to get the adjustment even started. But in time all was settled. 

The impeachment trial was pending when this understanding took place. It would not do, however, to let the public know of the reconciliation at that time, for as Grant might be a witness (why was he not?) a point could be gained by Butler defending a supposed personal enemy from a sharp cross examination. Grant being on the stand as a witness and testifying in answer to questions put by Butler, a personal enemy, would effect more than if answered to Butler the reconciled friend. This was the tricky part of the transaction. 

Ordinarily sensible men, of hearty honesty, would have each said for himself “I forgive and hope to be forgiven for errors in this matter,” and they would have shaken hands upon it, and if any body felt interest enough to enquire about, both would have acknowledged to the reconciliation. 

But sharp George Wilkes made himself a hero by having the secret kept. He was the man who knew all about it, but whose lips were sealed in order to help depose Andrew Johnson. The reconciliation was immense, and great is Wilkes. We have heard of a tempest in a teapot, but such wonderful negotiations to settle the etiquette of an invitation to tea never before astonished the world. Long. live Wilkes the great pacificator.– The Morning Union, 1868

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Post Civil War Washington DC Society

“Only a short time ago a fierce war was raging between the wives of Supreme Judges and those of Senators, each side contending for the precedence. After a whole winter’s contention, it was decided that both combatants should stand upon the same round of the social ladder.” – At some point between 1869 and 1877, according to the etiquette authorities of the era, the wives of the Supreme Court Justices stood alone at the top of precedence. The wife of the Chief Justice was at that time considered to be the First Lady of the United States, as the position of the U.S. President was essentially a temporary position. Supreme Court Justices have their jobs for life. A journalist took liberty with the title of First Lady in 1877, however, setting off a chain reaction of rebukes by those etiquette authorities in newly published etiquette books of the day. – Image (source- Find a Grave) of  Mr. & Mrs. (Amelia Champlin Warner) Morrison Waite. Morrison Waite was the 7th Chief Justice of the United States’ Supreme Court, from 1874 to 1888, which made Amelia Waite the actual First Lady in Washington D.C. at the time.

The Post Civil War Social Caste in Washington D.C.

The time has been, when our government was a small infant, that there was a fusion of the elements that go to make up what is called society here; but that time has passed away quite as completely as the domestic manners of dear Mrs. Madison. Lines and dots mark the social map as rigid and well defined in meaning as those that stand for the cities and towns on the geographical atlas. A Senator's wife stands on a point elevated above a member’s wife, and the chasm between them can no more be crossed than the celebrated river Styx. To picture this amiable fact, we will cite an actual occurrence in illustration. This little passage of arms came off between the wives of a Senator and a member, both of the husbands hailing from the Western part of the Union; but while the Senator is so small that he is lost in Congress like a needle in the hay, the member is one of the great political lights of the country, though, alas! alas! this significant fact could not help the matter.

The member's wife committed a grave error; in other words, she perpetrated a fearful mistake. She undertook to play with the social dice, and the dear little warm-hearted Illinois woman lost. What did she do? Listen, ye fates! She invited the Senator’s wife “to come and spend an evening socially with her.” She forgot the gulf that separates a Senator’s wife from a member’s. She forgot that she had only a two years’ lien on the public notice, while the woman she insulted held fast to the political plank six years from beginning to end. But this social rupture was speedily settled according to the code of fashionable life. 

The Senator's wife told her own dear “set” about the vicious faux pas, and the member’s unfortunate wife received sentence accordingly. In the capitals of all great nations the rules of etiquette are strictly enforced. The President and his family are lifted above the sentence accordingly. The President and his family are lifted above the sea of ceremony; and while everybody, from the Chief Justice to the least fraction of a ragged newsboy, can pay a visit to the White House, nothing is to be expected in return.

The masses can also pay visits of ceremony to the wives of Senators and members upon their reception days, but those dainty dames are not expected to make any returns for these civilities. In no case would a Senator’s wife call upon the wife of a member first; but etiquette peremptorily commands Mrs. Senator to return the call at a certain specified time. Some times one or both of these visits are made by card, these solemn facts at the time appearing to have no effect whatever upon the General Government. 

The wife of a Senator struck a key-note when she said: “If a member’s wife wants anything of me, she must come where I am.” In old feudal times, these little matters used to be settled by blood. Only a short time ago a fierce war was raging between the wives of Supreme Judges and those of Senators, each side contending for the precedence. After a whole winter’s contention, it was decided that both combatants should stand upon the same round of the social ladder. –Washington Correspondent, 1869

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Changes to Official Etiquette in Capital

 … a new law of etiquette lately decreed by Mrs. Gov. Stanford, with the concurrence of the wives of various officials of that city. It is that Mrs. Stanford will expect the first call from ladies visiting Sacramento. This law has become a matter of necessity. – Public domain image of Mrs. Leland (Jane) Stanford, wife of Governor Leland Stanford, 8th governor of California. The Stanfords founded Stanford University in California.

A new Point of Official Etiquette

Made necessary during the American Civil War

Ladies will be interested to understand a new law of etiquette lately decreed by Mrs. Gov. Stanford, with the concurrence of the wives of various officials of that city. It is that Mrs. Stanford will expect the first call from ladies visiting Sacramento. This law has become a matter of necessity. 

Many wives of the members of the Legislature come to the Capital to spend a few days, and the Governor’s wife would like to call upon them, but she does not know when they are in the city, or where they stop; and thus she is subject to the suspicion of intending a slight, when really she is anxious to treat all respectable people with respect and to contribute as much as possible to the pleasure of ladies visiting her town.

By giving notice that she expects the first call, she protects herself from the suspicion of offense, and enables ladies, whom she would never see under any other method, to call and make her acquaintance. This rule is new in Sacramento, but it is well established in other places of authority.

At Washington, the President’s wife, the wives of Cabinet officers, of Senators and Congressmen expect the first call in order of their rank, which is carried so far that a Senator’s daughter must make the first call on a Senator’s wife, and a Senator’s unmarried daughter must make the first call on a Senator’s married daughter and so forth, without regard to priority of arrival in the city. – The Times Gazette, March 1863

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Gilded Age “The Lady” Etiquette

It is the wife not the husband who has to keep up and extend their circle of friends and acquaintances, and it is her influence or popularity that may make or mar his career socially. – “The Lady”Magazine

“IT is the doing of little things correctly that shows whether people are used or not used to the ways of society. It is the wife not the husband who has to keep up and extend their circle of friends and acquaintances, and it is her influence or popularity that may make or mar his career socially.” – The Lady. Chats on Etiquette. 21st July, 1898

"THE plain fact that the bachelor girl is merely a single women of small means pursuing an art or earning her living is known but ignored by a delusion-loving world, which insists on putting her condition as a happy blend of gaiety, freedom and romance." – The Lady. The Emancipated Girl. 3rd September, 1893

“SOUL-SEARCHING and soul-pulling form the chief subject of conversation among even comparative strangers who meet across a dinner table or in a country house… The privacy of life is almost abolished.” – The Lady. More About Women. 16th January, 1890

"IF you accept hospitality from friends, you should return it in some form, however humble, and nice people will be just as pleased if you invite them to afternoon tea as to an elaborate dinner." –The Lady. Household Management, 1899

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia