Good Manners and Human Rights, Pt. 2

We knew a lady to give great offense by wearing her gloves at a ball. “She is so stuck up that she is afraid to touch our hands,” they said. In such a case you have two things to choose between. Conform to your company in these trifles; pour your tea into your saucer, take off your gloves, or go elsewhere. Do not mar even a low accord. Dress according to your work; behave according to your company; but still have more regard for your own permanent respect, than a temporary popularity with some casual society.

Good Manners Founded on Human Rights and Conformity of Manners

Liberty is the right of every one to seek his own happiness in his own chosen way, so long as he does not trespass upon the equal right of every other. The Pursuit of Happiness in every being, consists in its efforts to satisfy its natural desires.

In the same way, every organ of the body, and every faculty of the mind, has its rights and its sources of happiness. To close the window of an omnibus or rail car, may be a violation of the politeness due to my lungs, as much as snatching the food from my hand would be a wrong to my stomach. Interrupting a story I wish to hear, is an impoliteness and violation of my rights; it prevents the satisfaction of my faculty of eventuality-as a volley of abuse might be an outrage to my approbativeness.

Let these principles, so briefly stated, be borne in mind, and it will be seen that a Manners Book is truly a work of deep philosophy and profound science; that etiquette is based on principles and laws; that behavior may have its foundation in mathematics; that grace of deportment is a noble art; that from the slightest act of complaisance, to the highest moral duty, the same great principles should govern us.

It has been said that each individual has the right to secure his own happiness in his own way, so long as he does not interfere with the equal right of every other. This is true, but not the whole truth. Each individual does secure the greatest possible happiness to himself, when he promotes in the highest degree the happiness of all other beings. The good of one is the good of all.

It might be supposed that in the solitude of a hermit, the life of a Robinson Crusoe, in the isolation of utter loneliness, a man might be free to do any absurd or outrageous thing he might fancy. True, he may whistle, sing, laugh or shout, without annoying any one; he may cut capers, make grimaces, roll upon the ground; he may wear any clothes or no clothes, since there are no eyes or ears to be offended but his own-perhaps.

This “perhaps” is put in for the benefit of all who believe in the existence of unseen intelligences, who are near us, to guide and comfort us; who, though usually unseen, and consciously unfelt, may yet be often and forever near us. If we admit this belief, we are never alone, but always in social relations that should influence our conduct. It is not to be supposed that spirits have much regard for the observances of conventional etiquette, but it may well be believed that one's guardian angel may be shocked by anything truly unseemly and disgusting.

And, leaving all the unseen intelligences out of the question, there is one who is with us always, by whom we wish to be respected— ourself. A man may be no hero to his valet de chambre, because the person who fills such a post may have no proper idea of true heroism, but every man would assuredly like to be a hero to himself, or at least to have his own respect and good opinion, which he could not do if he allowed himself to behave improperly in his own society.

It is for this reason, that when a man behaves very badly, he is thought to be beside himself, or rather aside from himself, and quite oblivious of his own personality, which is a phenomenon of intoxication, as of other insanity; in which persons do the most unseemly and outrageous things, because they are unconscious of any recognition.

I believe, therefore, that in the heart of a desert, or on an uninhabited island, a true gentleman would preserve all his dignity, and all his propriety and purity of conduct. I am sure that a true lady, in In the same way, every organ of the body, and every faculty of the mind, has its rights and its sources of happiness. To close the window of an omnibus or rail car, may be a violation of the politeness due to my lungs, as much as snatching the food from my hand would be a wrong to my stomach. Interrupting a story I wish to hear, is an impoliteness and violation of my rights; it prevents the satisfaction of my faculty of eventuality— as a volley of abuse might be an outrage to my approbativeness.

Let these principles, so briefly stated, be borne in mind, and it will be seen that a Manners Book is truly a work of deep philosophy and profound science; that etiquette is based on principles and laws; that behavior may have its foundation in mathematics; that grace of deportment is a noble art; that from the slightest act of complaisance, to the highest moral duty, the same great principles should govern us.

It has been said that each individual has the right to secure his own happiness in his own way, so long as he does not interfere with the equal right of every other. This is true, but not the whole truth. Each individual does secure the greatest possible happiness to himself, when he promotes in the highest degree the happiness of all other beings. The good of one is the good of all.

It might be supposed that in the solitude of a hermit, the life of a Robinson Crusoe, in the isolation of utter loneliness, a man might be free to do any absurd or outrageous thing he might fancy. True, he may whistle, sing, laugh or shout, without annoying any one; he may cut capers, make grimaces, roll upon the ground; he may wear any clothes or no clothes, since there are no eyes or ears to be offended but his own— perhaps.

This “perhaps” is put in for the benefit of all who believe in the existence of unseen intelligences, who are near us, to guide and comfort us; who, though usually unseen, and consciously unfelt, may yet be often and forever near us. If we admit this belief, we are never alone, but always in social relations that should influence our conduct. It is not to be supposed that spirits have much regard for the observances of conventional etiquette, but it may well be believed that one's guardian angel may be shocked by anything truly unseemly and disgusting.

And, leaving all the unseen intelligences out of the question, there is one who is with us always, by whom we wish to be respected-ourself. A man may be no hero to his valet de chambre, because the person who fills such a post may have no proper idea of true heroism, but every man would assuredly like to be a hero to himself, or at least to have his own respect and good opinion, which he could not do if he allowed himself to behave improperly in his own society.

It is for this reason, that when a man behaves very badly, he is thought to be beside himself, or rather aside from himself, and quite oblivious of his own personality, which is a phenomenon of intoxication, as of other insanity; in which persons do the most unseemly and outrageous things, because they are unconscious of any recognition.

I believe, therefore, that in the heart of a desert, or on an uninhabited island, a true gentleman would preserve all his dignity, and all his propriety and purity of conduct. I am sure that a true lady, in the privacy of her own apartment, is just as much a lady, as sweet, and delicate, and refined, and every way beautiful, as in the parlor where I met her for a morning chat, or in the drawing-room where she is the cynosure of the evening party. Because everywhere the free being acts out his true nature. His life is instinctive and genuine; and his training has perfected his capabilities, so that habit is a second nature, which he does not violate. The true lady or gentleman is so under all circumstances; others act a part, but they must do this, and if from attraction, the true is developed in them, and they become what they wish to be thought, and then aspire to be.

A man wishes to suit his action to the company he is in, or to get out of it as soon as possible. If with noisy people, he too must make a noise, or suffer, or leave. He must be gay with those who laugh; sad with those who weep. A certain conformity of manners and life is necessary to politeness. One does not carry the style and dress of the Fifth avenue into a rustic country house. It would be very snobbish to do so. The dress and manner of a wedding are not suited to a funeral. When the king turned his tea into his saucer, contrary to his own custom and all etiquette, because two country ladies did so, whose hospitality he was enjoying, he was more than a king— he was a true gentleman.

This conformity depends upon the law of harmony. Music is the key of social science. If I sing with other persons, I must sing the same tune, in the same pitch, or I am a nuisance. My tune may be better than theirs; I may pitch it to a better key; but if I have come to them, I must con form to their expression until I can bring them to mine, or I must leave them.

It is, in this way that refinement may become a miserable affectation; and a well bred man, in some social spheres, a nuisance in others. We knew a lady to give great offense by wearing her gloves at a ball. “She is so stuck up that she is afraid to touch our hands,” they said. In such a case you have two things to choose between. Conform to your company in these trifles; pour your tea into your saucer, take off your gloves, or go elsewhere. Do not mar even a low accord. Dress according to your work; behave according to your company; but still have more regard for your own permanent respect, than a temporary popularity with some casual society.

The true harmony is that of a man’s own nature. When all his own faculties are in accord, like the strings of a well-tuned harp, he is ready for everything that can contribute to his enjoyment. Such a man, true, self-loyal, tuned up to the concert pitch of his best life, is in harmony with universal nature, fitted to enjoy all melodies in every scale, and unmoved by the vulgar discords around him.

There is thus a higher standard of morals and manners than an observance of the tastes and wishes of those around us. There are rights relative; but there is also a right absolute, or an equilibrium and harmony of rights, which is the true point of dignity and manliness. In the person it is symmetry— in the carriage, ease— in relations, harmony — in results, happiness.— From The Illustrated Manual of Good Behavior and Polite Accomplishments, 1855

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