Antebellum Dinner Etiquette, Pt. 1

Don’t make these mistakes as illustrated above! — And…
“Eat without the least noise. To suck soup into your mouth— to blow it— to tip up your plate— to send for a second plate, are things which might cause either of the ladies near you to faint or laugh, perhaps, behind their handkerchiefs.”

Be punctual when there is eating to be done. The dinner must not be served until every guest has arrived. Who would dare to face a dozen hungry men and women, and be responsible for a spoiled dinner? At a party, ball, concert, etc..., punctuality is of less consequence. Arrive at least fifteen minutes before the time; half an hour is better if you have come a distance, and need ablutions or other preparations, for which there should always be provided the necessary facilities.

When the servant announces that dinner is served, the master of the house presents his arm to the lady who, from age or position, is entitled to precedence. As ladies are not always explicit about their ages, and as our aristocratic distinctions are not very well defined, we may have some difficulty in this respect. As the “master of the feast” leads off the “first lady,” he will do well to invite some gentleman to follow him, who will offer his arm to the lady hostess. Each gentleman then attends some lady, and all assemble around the table. If the dining room is on the same floor, give the left arm; if you are to go down stairs, give the lady the wall.

In some cases, the place of each guest is designated by a card, with his or her name written upon it, beside the plate. There is much skill to be displayed in this arrangement. The lady to be particularly honored sits at the right-hand of the host, the gentleman at the left of the hostess. Then ladies and gentlemen are arranged so as to separate married couples as far as possible, of which the extreme example is the host and hostess, who are opposite each other, and so as to place each man between and vis a vis agreeable women.

You are expected to be very attentive to the lady at your right; to pass anything needful to the lady at your left, and to be very amiable to the lady opposite. But as fashionable tables are well provided with servants, a butler to carve, and a waiter behind nearly every chair, there is little labor, and should be no officiousness.

Sit firmly in your chair, without lolling, leaning back, drumming, or any gaucherie whatever. If a grace is to be asked, give it suitable reverence. Quakers, before eating, make a silent pause, for each person to ask his own blessing. When a clergyman is present, it is a kind of professional insult not to invite him to say grace. With many persons, habitually irreligious, some form of this kind is adhered to. It is good manners to pay a certain respect to all customs.

After grace, or when ready for eating, take your napkin from its ring, or your plate, or the goblet, in which it is folded, unfold and lay it in your lap. The waiter will bring a plate of soup first, of course. You will not refuse it. At a table d'hote, you can, of course, decline it, but at a private dinner party you must at least seem to honor it. If you eat it, do so delicately, with the spoon in your right hand, and a piece of bread in your left. Eat it as it is made, without any addition of condiments. A cook once committed suicide from mortification, because his master put some salt in his soup. He could not survive the mortification of such a professional indignity. Of course, he was a Frenchman.

Eat without the least noise. To suck soup into your mouth— to blow it— to tip up your plate— to send for a second plate, are things which might cause either of the ladies near you to faint or laugh, perhaps, behind their handkerchiefs.

Next comes fish. This you may dress with the proper condiments. There are catsups and sauces especially adapted to it. But don't presume to use your knife, nor to eat any vegetables with it. Take your fork in your right hand, and your bread in your left. Fish does not require cutting. Where fish is served at a small and informal dinner, or on Friday, as a principal dish, it is another affair. You may eat it with vegetables and use a knife; but when it only forms one of several courses, take a little, as of soup, and but once.

When you lay down your fork on the plate, the waiter removes it, and supplies you with a clean plate.

Unless you are with temperance people, or are yourself pledged to total abstinence, you will probably take wine. At the side of your plate you will find five glasses— a small one for madeira, sherry, etc..., a larger goblet for claret, a green glass for hock or sauterne, a deeper goblet for champagne, and another for water; or, the waiter who asks you what wine you will take, will give you a suitable glass. At first take claret; with the third course you may venture on sauterne or hock; with the game comes sherry, port, etc...; and champagne with the desert. A fashionable lady at Montreal condensed her opinion of the breeding of a fast American she met into a single sentence: “He is the sort of man, to take champagne wine with his soup.”

If you are conscious of being “green,” wait and ripen in the light of good examples around you. At the first part of a dinner there is much eating and little talking. When the appetite is satisfied this is changed. — From The Illustrated Manual of Good Behavior and Polite Accomplishments, 1855

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia