Etiquette and Public Breast Feeding

Amy Vanderbilt, the etiquette authority, has now heard enough about public breast feeding, and has had sufficient queries, to plan an article on the subject. “My own feeling is that nursing is precious thing and that it would be better for the mother and the child to do it quietly and in privacy,” she said. However, “as young people seem to have no hang‐ups about it,” she suggested that basic rules of courtesy apply.

Mrs. Ira Silverman is a 27‐year‐old full‐time mother and part‐time career woman. She has fed her son, now 14 months old, in a restaurant and at dinner party. On neither occasion, although her son was being breast‐fed, was she embarrassed.

“I think it can be done discreetly and modestly,” she said. “I wouldn't normally have fed the baby in a restaurant, but he was obviously hungry and I didn't have a bottle with me.”

Mrs. Silverman, an editor of a Washington, D.C. trade publication, is one of an increasing number of women who not only nurse their babies, but have no particular inhibitions about doing so in front of other people.

“It's not a sexual thing to me,” she said. “Nursing is on a different level it's a basic life function.”

Mrs. Silverman breast‐fed her child in public only when the necessity arose, but she had, and has, no hesitation about feeding the baby with friends present.

“I think it's basic courtesy to ask they would be uncomfortable about it and I wouldn't do it if they were, but most people don't mind,” she said. “But once a friend telephoned and asked if she and her husband could come over to see the baby and when I mentioned that I might be feeding him when they came, she, said they'd come later because it might embarrass her husband.”

Many of the women who breast‐feed their babies in the presence of friends and/or strangers do so as unobtrusively as possible, often so expectly that others are unware of what they are doing.

“I course any place my baby is hungry,” said Mrs. Robert Wright, who has a 7‐month‐old daughter, Karla.

“I would say that over 75 per cent of the time, people are unaware of what is going on. . . I don't have to expose myself.”

However, there have been times, in the restaurants, movies and stores where she has nursed, where observers have realized what was happening. The reactions have been varied.

“I've had everything from smiles to averted eyes,” she said. “The only severe reaction I've had was in the ladies room at Saks Fifth Avenue where some of the women gave me a look and walked out.”

How the Children Responded

Most nursing mothers have noticed little difference in reaction between men and women, but they have found that children respond with bath curiosity and delight.

“If children come into the house when I'm nursing, I just continue,” said Mrs. Joseph Falcon of Brooklyn. “They ask what I'm doing and I explain and they are very interested.”

Mrs. Falcon, who nursed Wendy, her 2‐year‐old daughter, in airports, airplanes, bus stations and hotel lobbies, said she thought she had done so without being ostentatious.

“Society being what it is, I accept the fact that it should be done subtly,” she said.

Mrs. Stanley Stone of Staten Island, the wife of a police lieutenant, said she was aware that “the breast nowdays is considered a sexual symbol,” and that she would therefore not nurse in front of her husband's friends.

She does nurse in front of her three older children, the eldest of whom is 9, because “breasts aren't a sexual symbol to them... it's feeding the baby ... my daughter nursed her doll.”

“I've nursed every place under the sun,” she continued. “But I feel there is a way of doing it. I do it for the child's sake, not to show off that I'm a nursing mother. I believe in being natural but think one should consider the rights of others. Many people are turned off by, breasts hanging out.”

To Mrs. Michael Margetts, wife of producer of television commercials, breast feeding in some of the South American countries and in Mexico “was really beautiful.”

“In some of the, smaller towns, women would be shopping and the baby would be sucking at the breast and there was no effort made to cover up.”

Mrs: Margetts, who breast‐fed her son, Noah Li, for 18 months, said she realized a similar action here would be unwise.

“I never really displayed myself ... but in New York I got a lot more negative reaction,” she said. “A lot of women looked at me as though it was disgusting but I never felt anything other than natural about it.”

“You rarely see more than a flash of a breast,” said Mrs. Sanford Cohen, whose 10‐month‐old son, Nicte‐Ha (“Flower of the Water” in Mayan) is still being breast‐fed.

“I've never felt inhibited while doing it,” said Mrs. Cohen, who is a partner with her husband in a Hammock Master shop.

The growing vogue of public nursing has brought with it certain problems of rights and etiquette.

Several women reported that they had been asked by airline stewardesses to breast‐feed their babies in curtained compartments, rather than in their seats.

But airline spokesmen said there was no special policy or rule on the matter. “The common sense thing is that it be done as discreetly as possible,” said one representative. “We'd like her to do whatever is most comfortable for her.”

Other situations are not as clear‐cut, including the right of a passenger sitting next to a nursing mother or nearby diners at restaurants.

“It may be a perfectly natural thing to do,” said one woman who had nursed her own children. “But neither I, nor my husband, want to go out to dine and be faced with someone's breast. It's only happened to us once but let me tell you, it was enough ... my husband almost dropped his martini.”

A man who attended a party where a woman casually pulled up her sweater to succor her child recalled it vividly.

“I was talking to her at the time and I just fixed my eyes on her forehead,” he said. “It would be an understatement to say that I was uncomfortable”

Amy Vanderbilt, the etiquette authority, has now heard enough about public breast feeding, and has had sufficient queries, to plan an article on the subject.

“My own feeling is that nursing is precious thing and that it would be better for the mother and the child to do it quietly and in privacy,” she said.

However, “as young people seem to have no hang‐ups about it,” she suggested that basic rules of courtesy apply.

“I think they should try to conform with what makes most people comfortable. Generally speaking, if they are with their peers, it might be fine, but if there are older people who might not understand, they should retire to another room.”

Mrs. William Hamilton, wife of The New Yorker cartoonist, has noted, on occasion, that fellow guests at a party “didn't know how to behave” when she was nursing her 5‐month‐old daughter, Alexandra.

“They don't say anything, but they don't know how to react,” she commented. “They don't know whether to ignore me, or talk to me, or what.”

Before accepting an invitation, Mrs. Hamilton inquires whether her breastfeeding would be acceptable to the host and hostess, She tries, but can't always avoid, most public nursing.

“I once had to nurse the baby at an airport snack bar,” she recollected. “There were two older women nearby and they turned their heads away ... but two young boys came over and helped me arrange the baby and they didn't think anything about it.”

To some women who believe in nursing, it is still an act that should be confined to the home.

“What are you talking about, nursing or showing the world what you can do?” Mrs. Irwin Weindling asked. “Too often, girls want everyone within two miles to know it.”

She conceded, however, that done correctly, it was possible to nurse almost anywhere without attracting attention.

“But they are such shimmering moments, and there are so few of them in a lifetime, that I didn't care to share them,” she added. – The New York Times, 1973

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia