Etiquette: As the Table Turns

The hostess does at all times keep an ear open for the conversation at the table. She tries to divide her attention equally between the gentleman on her left and the one on her right, while noting where at the table there are lulls in conversation. She then tries, when she can, to direct the conversation in a general way. Perhaps she will pose a question to someone who seems very silent in order to get him or her talking.

DEAR MISS VANDERBILT: In an old etiquette book I read elaborate, and to me silly, directions for "turning the table" when you have a dinner party. In this the hostess decides at what point she wants the conversation to change so that everyone talking will talk to someone else. So she breaks off the conversation with the man on her left and turns to the man on her right and starts another conversation, no matter what he has been talking about to the person on his right. This seems artificial, to say the least, and certainly not of this century. What do you think of it? Is it really still done? — Mrs. G. R., St. Paul, Minn.

Dear Mrs. G. R., St. Paul, Minn. —Not in this sense, according to a rigid formula. The hostess does at all times keep an ear open for the conversation at the table. She tries to divide her attention equally between the gentleman on her left and the one on her right, while noting where at the table there are lulls in conversation. She then tries, when she can, to direct the conversation in a general way. Perhaps she will pose a question to someone who seems very silent in order to get him or her talking.

Even though she is the conversation-steerer, the hostess should be careful not to interrupt a conversation which seems to be going very well just for the sake of "turning the table.” And it is annoying when someone in deep conversation with someone else is interrupted by the hostess to be asked, “Some more coffee?” She should wait for a pause in the conversation.

Over-assiduous hostesses can be point-killers and some in their anxiety to be good hostesses never seem to let their guests conclude a sentence. Sometimes it is the clear duty of the hostess not only to interrupt a conversation that is becoming unpleasant or acrimonious, but to be very firm about changing the subject. Her duty is to all of her guests. 

She might say, “I hate to interrupt, but perhaps we had better leave the politics until after we leave the table. I want you all to have a pleasant meal.” Traditionally, subjects to be avoided at the dinner table are: accidents, illness, religion, scandal and politics. — Amy Vanderbilt, 1968

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Lobster Eating Etiquette

“It's perfectly all right to be a slob when eating lobster,” said Letitia Baldrige, author of “Letitia Baldrige’s Complete Guide to Executive Manners” (Rawson Associates, 1985). In fact, being a slob is part of the point. Highly refined restaurants save diners from a messy sparring bout by serving lobster out of the shell. Yet the convenience is rarely more than a palliative to the primordial lobster-eating urge.

Eating lobster turns civilized 

The problem with lobster is rarely its flavor. Except for its spawning months (in the early summer), when its shell is soft and its flesh is weary, a properly cooked lobster is sweet and tender, rich and delicate, the apex of seafood, the apogee of elegance. The problem with lobster is eating it. It brings out the neanderthal in us all. Many have described the civilized approach to eating a lobster without making a mess. 

In “The New Etiquette” (St. Martin’s Press, 1987), Marjabelle Young Stewart provides five steps to the conquering and consuming of life’s sweetest meat: 

1. Twist off the claws. Crack each with a nutcracker. Use a pick or oyster fork to remove and eat the meat. 

2. Break the tail off the body. If the tail is split, break back the flaps with your hands and push in with a fork. 

3. Twist off the legs. Suck the meat out gently. 

4. Use a fork to get small, accessible pieces of meat in the body. 5. Use a fork to eat the tomalley (green matter) and roe (coral). 

Yet Stewart’s system leaves much to chance and therefore fails to civilize the confrontation between soft fingers and hard red shells. What do you do, for instance, if the lobster tail has not been split? The precise tug it takes to extract the meat from the shell is almost an instinct. It begins with separating the tail from the rest of the body. From fishing to cooking to eating, never face a lobster head on. Place the lobster tail toward you, grasp the back of the declawed body with one hand and the center of the tail with the other and administer a quick, selfassured twist-pull. The motion combines the wringing of wet wash with the sliding of a cork from a wine bottle. A grunt is optional. 

Next, use one hand to flatten the tail, red side up, thick end toward you. Use your other hand to insert a dinner fork, pointed down, between the top of the meat and the shell. Maintain a 60-degree fork angle and gently tug to loosen the meat. When the meat achieves the play of a loose tooth, the holding hand can lighten the pressure on the top of the shell and apply a slight squeeze to its sides. Close your eyes. Yank. The claws are another problem, one that cannot be addressed solely by a nutcracker. This tool is reliable against the lobster’s smaller “ripping claw.” But nutcrackers frequently give way before the lobster's larger “crusher claw” cracks. There are sturdier (and more expensive) lobster crackers available. 

There is also the advice of “The New Emily Post's Etiquette” (Funk & Wagnall’s 1975): “Lobster claws should be cracked in the kitchen before being served.” When following this dictum in the kitchen, wear an apron, invert a chef’s knife and use the back side of the blade to whack with abandon. Back at the table, to remove the claw meat, use an inverted cocktail or salad fork, held again at 60 degrees, and tug carefully with a table-ward motion. In dinner, as in life, the lobster's claws are its main weapon. Pull slowly to avoid a big squirt. 

Brave eaters move below the claws to face the challenge of the lobster knuckles. A downward angle of a lobster pick or fork is helpful. But the best advice is that lobster knuckles make a mean salad. Take them home and pick them in private. The body is another territory for the bold. Use a small fork to pick, pick, pick. The lobster's green tomalley is the traditional trophy here. But lobstermen increasingly advise against eating this liver. In rare moments, they talk about pollution, saying, "Lobsters are bottom feeders." In the end, there are all those little legs and only one way to eat them. Twist-pull them loose. 

“It's perfectly all right to be a slob when eating lobster,” said Letitia Baldrige, author of “Letitia Baldrige’s Complete Guide to Executive Manners” (Rawson Associates, 1985). In fact, being a slob is part of the point. Highly refined restaurants save diners from a messy sparring bout by serving lobster out of the shell. Yet the convenience is rarely more than a palliative to the primordial lobster-eating urge. Have you ever seen a four-star lobster diner look as satisfied as someone pushing away from a roadside table along the Maine coast? We want the sloppy crack-slush-mush of full lobster battle. That is the problem. We have tried to civilize it with table tools and table rules, but we cannot wait to put on our bibs. 

The battle is part of the pleasure. “Scary, scary,” whined a 5-year-old diner when viewing a 20 pound dinosaur of the deep that her family selected for dinner recently at the Old Homestead Restaurant in Manhattan. After wielding picks and crackers, a mallet and a fork, she was a convert. “Good, good,” she said. And all the better for the battle. — By Molly O'Neill, N.Y. Times News Service

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Eating Shrimp

“A jumbo is about four or five inches long and one could never be put whole into the mouth. Are these eaten in the fingers? The cocktail fork seems so tiny for such a big shrimp.”

A Question for Amy Vanderbilt 

Dear Miss Vanderbilt: In a library recently I read in your excellent etiquette book, “Unshelled shrimp should be conveyed whole to the mouth.” Are you speaking of a dish of shrimp for the person to shell themselves? I have never seen this and was wondering about the “sand vein.” You didn't mention it since cocktail shrimp are deveined in the kitchen, does one do this with the fingernail before eating the shrimp? One would need to wash one’s hands afterward! I saw literally tons of jumbo shrimp being deveined (not in a factory). A jumbo is about four or five inches long and one could never be put whole into the mouth. Are these eaten in the fingers? The cocktail fork seems so tiny for such a big shrimp. – Mrs. Fort Lauderdale, Florida

Dear Mrs. Fort Lauderdale –For aesthetic purposes the sand vein in shrimp should be removed. If the shrimp are eaten cooked, the vein is not removed. If you encounter it in a shrimp cocktail, you should realize that it is harmless. Don't attempt to remove it, certainly not with the fingernail. Cocktail shrimp are served in a variety of ways. They are offered with toothpicks; in which case you spear them. If they are very large, you bite off a manageable mouthful after having dipped me shrimp in the sauce. Then eat the rest of the shrimp. If you dip it again, you should be careful to turn it around so that the part you have bitten is not dipped into a communal sauce bowl. 

When shrimp cocktail is served with a cocktail fork, you use the fork even though it is tiny. You may either put the whole shrimp in your mouth, or take manageable bites. Sometimes shrimp cocktails or shrimps prepared in the Oriental fashion have the tail left on to be used as a handle. If you have an Oriental dish, you may use chopsticks if you are able to do so; in Louisiana and in various Italian dishes, shrimp is often served with the shell on. In this case, you remove the shell with your fingers but you don't bother to remove the vein. When a shrimp dish is served this way, of course, a finger bowl or folded wet towels (Oriental fashion) or scented paper towelettes are essential. –Amy Vanderbilt, 1963

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

More Faux Dining Signals

Playing with one’s utensils? That was never allowed and one presumably doing so at the Victorian or Gilded Age table would be reprimanded or shown their way to the door. Doing so now? Please don’t! —I’ve read and seen videos online with people whimsically suggesting it would be fun to bring back some of the 18th or 19th century “secret signals” used by people in love. Those signals for someone one fancied are sadly all fake, however. — “The fan language — and other, similar codes like the language of the handkerchief and the language of the parasol— were largely the result of advertising campaigns meant to popularize and sell accessories. There is little evidence that the fan language was ever in widespread use, though the concept was satirized by several writers in the 18th and 19th centuries. Besides being rather impractical, fan codes were a bit dangerous; an unconscious fidget or desire to actually fan herself could embroil a lady in a totally unintentional feud— or marriage. Not to mention the consequences if the matron acting as chaperone to a courting couple had, a few years earlier, employed the fan language to win her own husband!” -Esti Brennan, Clements Library Chronicles

Supposed Victorian Dining Table Signaling

Below: Each faux signal and what it supposedly meant.

• Drawing a napkin or handkerchief through the hand — I desire to converse by signal with you. 

• Holding napkin by the corners — Is it agreeable to you? 

• Playing with fork — I have something to tell you. 

• Holding up the knife and fork in each hand — When can I see you? 

• Laying both together left of the plate — After the meal. 

• Clenching right hand on table — To-night. 

• Napkin held with three fingers — Yes. 

• Napkin held with two fingers — No. 

• Holding napkin to chin with forefinger to mouth — Cease signaling. 

• Standing knife and fork thus leaning them in an inverted V  — Can I meet you?  

• Balancing fork on edge of cup — Are you engaged to-night?  

• Striking fork with knife — I shall go out. 

• Balancing fork on knife — Meet me. 

• Placing knife over the glass — Will you be alone? 

• Stirring spoon in cup slowly — Will you be late? 

• Slapping the ear, as if brushing away a fly — I don't understand.

More recent faux table signals above. — Only the “paused” and “finished” positions are proper signals, however they are for the wait staff, not someone you fancy. Those crossed out are not only made up, they are against good manners and should never be used. They make it difficult to remove the plate and utensils efficiently and without a lot of noise. Even the “excellent” signal shouldn’t be used, because one should personally give that message to the chef or cook and not supposedly leave it on a plate which will shortly be cleaned off in the kitchen. — By Site Editor, Maura J. Graber

 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Smartwatch Etiquette

One of the technological advances needing courteous attention is the smartwatch. A very helpful gadget that tracks your health and fitness goals and is also connected to your mobile phone so it helps you decide what incoming information you should attend to without pulling out your phone.

Checking Your Smartwatch 

During Mealtime

If you’ve read my blog articles or attended one of my classes, you’ve probably read or heard me say that technology is helpful, as long as it is used courteously.

One of the newest technological advances needing courteous attention is the smartwatch. A very helpful gadget that tracks your health and fitness goals and is also connected to your mobile phone so it helps you decide what incoming information you should attend to without pulling out your phone.

However, there is a downside to glancing at your smartwatch that is common to glancing at any watch: it relays the impression that you’re checking the time because you’d rather be doing something else. And depending on who you’re dining with, the degree of this downside could be pretty steep.

Avoiding Distractions

The point of sharing a meal with your family, friends, or someone special is to enjoy the food served while simultaneously enjoying the pleasure of good company and conversation. It stands to reason that electronic devices do not fit in this scenario.

Before smartwatches, you could keep your silenced phone off the table and put away to prevent distractions. But now, it’s instinctual and tempting to look at your wrist when you feel a buzz because you know something is happening. A text? A call? Social media or email announcement?

Who can resist glancing, especially if you’ve been recently engaged prior to whatever is happening in the present moment?

Essentially, smartwatch etiquette requires more vigilance than other mobile devices. Silencing or removing them altogether may be necessary, especially if you are attending an important lunch or dinner where other guests need your undivided attention.

Yielding to Temptation

Depending on the occasion and the people you are with, it’s acceptable to glance at your watch to check the time or see what’s streaming onto your wrist. As long as there is no individual or group face-to-face interaction going on at the time, glancing at your watch is helpful and requires less attention than having your cell phone out.

But keep in mind: just as you would never place your cell phone on the table (as third parties aren’t invited), don’t be fooled into thinking the interruption of smartwatches won’t be noticed by others. Even though table etiquette dictates the personal space of each diner, as I tell my students, “eyeballs don’t follow property right observances.”

So, you might think the occasional glance at your smartwatch isn’t noticed, but it is! Especially if you glance frequently at it. That someone will conclude you aren’t interested in what’s going on at the table will eventually happen.

Noticing Others

What should you do when you notice someone glancing at their phone often at dinner? What are your boundaries of propriety and politeness?

At work or in business: 

• If it’s a co-worker, that person may count on you to have his or her back. “John, as a heads up, I noticed the boss was looking your way a lot a lunch today—and it happened that every time you were glancing at your smartwatch.”
• Try to step aside from judging others as they might be a new owner of a smartwatch and might still be adjusting to their own distractions.
• Customers are observant and in business you would never want another person to think that your smartwatch is more important than interactions with him. It takes only one mistake to lose a customer.

At home: 

• As a parent of the lucky youngster who has a smartwatch, your responsibility is to set clear boundaries about paying proper attention to others at the table. 
• After-dinner discussions of what you observed will help your child become more mindful of the distraction. Stress that you are counting on her to manage her behavior and leave good impressions with others.
• Be a role model. Train yourself not to glance at your own smart watch.
• Spouses and partners should help each other by giving feedback on what is observed. It’s helpful to ask for a time to share feedback and how you felt when the person kept glancing at her phone.

You never want to convey the message that another person is boring. The best thing you can always do when sharing a meal is to give your undivided attention to the humans at the table rather than the electronic device on your wrist or in your pocket.

“The hours of folly are measured by the clock; but of wisdom, no clock can measure.”~ William Blake 

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

1970’s Etiquette Called Into Question

In the book the girls were taught how to use the “rest position” and “finished position.” Those, in case you're baffled, are arrangements of silverware. In “rest position,” the fork prongs are curved down over the knife. This supposedly indicates you're still eating. The "finished position" is a side-by-side arrangement of knife and fork, with the fork prongs down. This tells the waiter you're done. I called two upperclass bastions in my community, the yacht club and athletic club, to see if the “rest position” and “finished position” are used there. The woman in charge at the yacht club said she'd never heard of such a thing in her 15 years at the club. The man in charge of the waiters at the athletic club said he was aware of the positions because they're used in England where he was born. He said native-born Americans don't use them. — This is odd indeed! Etiquipedia is baffled by this response from both clubs. “Rest” and “Finished” positions have been used in the United States since the mid 1800’s. Nearly any etiquette book will instruct a person in how to lay one’s utensils properly to signal one is either pausing their dining or are finished.

According to columnist,

“Girls etiquette class isn't too practical.”

You can get about anything you want these days in a department store, including etiquette. Mom can spend a pleasant hour in notions and Dad can price fertilizer while daughter or son is picking up the proprieties. 

The archtypical kids' etiquette course is " White Gloves and Party Manners," a creation of Marjabelle Young, who for 15 years ran an etiquette school in Washington, D.C. Graduates of the course include the Eisenhower and Nixon children. “White Gloves” is taught in six hour-long segments to girls five through twelve. I sat in on a class for five through eight year olds at a local department store. The girls were reviewing their curtsy and pivot and were having trouble making their squiggly feet obey. 

“The reason I'm teaching you this is for poise and confidence,” said the teacher. The teacher was having a little problem with restlessness during the class. “I want you to sit very still. I want you all to sit like young ladies like I taught you.” A little girl in a proper party dress and a non-regulation arm cast smiled ... and wiggled some more. Each girl taking the course received a pair of white gloves, a workbook, and a copy of the book “White Gloves and Party Manners,” written by Ms. Young and Ann Buchwald. 

Some of the things in the workbook were quite bazarre. One page had a space for listing of phone numbers. Here's part of the list: My Music Teacher, My Art Teacher, My Ballet Teacher, Riding Stable Number, Club, My Veterinarian, Best Party Dress Shop, My Printer (Reordering my informals), My Cleaners, Bakery (Birthday Cakes), Family Photographer. It’s enough to give a girl who's poor lots of complexes. 

A family tree, to be filled in by the girls, occupied a whole page. “What if you have to put a horse thief at the top?” I asked the teacher. She said most girls couldn't go back as far as their grandparents, anyway. Girls were advised to rub a mixture of lemon juice and sugar into their hands. I called a dermatologist, who suggested that the girls might be better off if they drank the lemonade. 

The book is a conversation piece, too. The girls are advised how to use a finger-bowl. So they probably won't have the experience of Esther Greenwood in Sylvia Plath's “The Bell Jar,” who thought the water in the first finger-bowl she encountered was a Japanese soup. She drank it. Of course, finger-bowls appear more often in fiction than in real life. 

In the book the girls were taught how to use the “rest position” and “finished position.” Those, in case you're baffled, are arrangements of silverware. In “rest position,” the fork prongs are curved down over the knife. This supposedly indicates you're still eating. The "finished position" is a side-by-side arrangement of knife and fork, with the fork prongs down. This tells the waiter you're done.

I called two upperclass bastions in my community, the yacht club and athletic club, to see if the “rest position” and “finished position” are used there. The woman in charge at the yacht club said she'd never heard of such a thing in her 15 years at the club. The man in charge of the waiters at the athletic club said he was aware of the positions because they're used in England where he was born. He said native-born Americans don't use them. 

I have mixed emotions about "White Gloves."- An etiquette course is a valid way to supplement what is taught at home. And much of the material in the "White Gloves" book is good, like that on friendship. But so much of the material is dated that the course could turn a little girl into a living antique. Her peers might laugh.— Maureen Elena Reardon , 1974

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Bridal Etiquette and Carloyn Bessette Kennedy

The most frequently asked fashion queries concern the propriety of attire. Take the etiquette of wearing gloves. Thanks to Carolyn Bessette Kennedy, they've made a comeback. 

Wedding etiquette that is as layered as the cake according to 

TOWN & COUNTRY 

Magazine 

Wedding etiquette can be more layered than a wedding cake. Whether you're in Singapore or Sausalito, questions about attire and guest lists, wrote Sarah Midori Zimmerman in an article in the current issue of Town & Country, seem to be as integral a part of getting married as saying “I do.”

The most frequently asked fashion queries concern the propriety of attire. Take the etiquette of wearing gloves. Thanks to Carolyn Bessette Kennedy, they’ve made a comeback. If you choose to wear them, keep in mind that long gloves may be difficult to wriggle out of during the ceremony. You have several options, though: practice taking them off until you've made removing them look effortless.

Remove the left glove and hand it to your maid of honor once you reach the alter, put it back on after you and your groom have exchanged rings, or make a slit along the under seam of the left gloves ring finger so that it can be folded back to allow the groom to slip on the wedding band. While experts disagree on whether you should wear your gloves in the receiving line, it’s imperative that you remove them anytime you're eating or drinking. 

When it comes to hemlines, the rules have been relaxed considerably. Don't worry, for example, whether the hemlines of your mother and your fiancée’s mother's dresses match. The whole idea of matching anything seems to have gone the way of bended-knee proposals. 

Concerns about guest lists seem to keep brides sleepless the most. Try to stick to your original list. You needn't feel compelled to invite relatives who aren't immediate family, especially if you don't see them often and prefer to keep the wedding small. And remember, it's never wise to invite more people than you can comfortably accommodate. Invitations should be mailed about eight weeks prior to the wedding. — For AP Special Features, 1998

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Scottish University Men

A young man in his “strawbasher” (or straw boater hat), with his sweetheart at university. — “On Sept. 15, be the weather ever so bleak, the streets are full of what the small boy knows as ‘strawbashers.’”

Scottish Students’ Dress

The Scottish university student has a code of etiquette in clothes as strict as that of Eton or of Harrow. And into it the straw hat enters. On Sept. 15, be the weather ever so bleak, the streets are full of what the small boy knows as “strawbashers.” 

On the 16th you will find never a one — on a student’s head, that is. As for the medical student, he seldom wears a straw hat at all, or anything in its place. It is his pride to go bareheaded, as it Is to wear a fancy waistcoat and turned up trouser ends. The arts and divinity men sedately avoid these last three fashions.—London Chronicle, 1910

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

How to Handle a Date with a Lush

When your date overdoes it on his alcohol consumption, to the point that you are steaming and seething at the table, you still have an obligation to be polite and mind your table manners while in public. (Take those elbows off the table) You are not required, however, to be a doormat or put your life in peril by accepting a ride home with him driving!

An Etiquipedia Q & A

As the Etiquipedia Site Editor I get many questions from readers. Here is a recent question from one disappointed young woman:

Q. I hope you have etiquette advice that can help me. I’m a fairly successful young woman. I pride myself on my figure and have worked hard to be a nicely dressed and pleasant date. I have had a few long term relationships, but have not found anyone yet I would like to really form a stronger and longer bond with until recently. A guy I know from my job (not a co-worker) asked me out to a very nice restaurant that I have long wanted to eat at. The date was really great until he started drinking before our dinner arrived. He must’ve had 3 or 4 drinks while I was still sipping my one glass of wine. I was trying to be a pleasant date despite his boozing throughout the meal, but I became embarrassed by his behavior and without him realizing it, called for an Uber to take me home. Did I handle this properly? My friends all tell me I over reacted and was rude. Was I? What should I do if this happens again?

A. Sadly, I understand and can empathize with your predicament, as I found myself on a few similar dates many years ago when I was single. Did you overreact? No. Especially if your date was very noticeably drunk. He was out on a date with his drink of choice, not with you. If he offers an apology, it’s your obligation to accept the apology politely, but think twice before accepting a second date. 

Now, regarding your Cinderella vanishing act… Were you rude? Yes. You get points for trying to make the most of a crummy situation, but to not in some way let your date know that you were seeking alternate transportation home was a faux pas. Whether or not he would have remembered you told him is immaterial. But, it was a social obligation on your part only to notify him. It was not, however, an obligation to ride home in a car being driven by someone drunk. 

If there is ever a next time, perhaps you can tip a restaurant employee on your way out, and ask him or her to inform your date of your sudden exit. It is the polite thing to do and your behavior cannot then be called into question.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Spotlight on Amy Willcock

 Meet Amy Willcock, Cooking, Entertaining and Etiquette Authority, Writer, Hotelier, Creator of Award Winning Tablescapes, Etiquipedia Contributor and in our Contributor Spotlight for the Month of March 2026.

Amy Willcock is a successful writer of nine cookery and entertainment books. Born in Chicago, she moved to the UK in 1980. Specialising in country living and game recipes, Amy wrote a regular monthly column for The Shooting Gazette for over 19 years writing about food, country lifestyle and gundogs. During the Covid lockdown in Spring 2020, Amy started a new venture, KBO Cakes. The only way she could “send a slice of home” to her children serving in the forces and at university, was to send them a cake. “Nothing says ‘I’m thinking about you’ more than a homemade cake. Everyone needs a little morale booster every now and then.” says Amy.

Amy was previously in the hotel business - one of which, The George on the Isle of Wight, had a Michelin starred restaurant. Amy held Lifestyle, Cookery and Aga Workshops teaching people to cook, arrange flowers and set beautiful tables along with how to run a house. Her lifestyle and Aga workshops have been described as ‘finishing schools for people in their 30’s’ and Nigella Lawson wrote in Vogue, “Amy Willcock, hand holder to Aga owners everywhere.” 

Amy is a founder member of Yarmouth Women’s Institute, the subject of a BBC 4 documentary, and is a WI Cookery and Preserves judge. Amy has appeared on Market Kitchen, Kirstie’s Homemade Home, Celebrity Masterchef, and judged the perfect Sunday Lunch with John Torode and Gregg Wallace on Masterchef and is a regular Food and Lifestyle contributor to local radio. Amy lives in Yorkshire where she manages Warter Priory Shoot office, trains her gun dogs, endlessly entertaining friends and family.

Her lifestyle and Aga workshops have been described as ‘finishing schools for people in their 30’s’ and Nigella Lawson wrote in Vogue, “Amy Willcock, hand holder to Aga owners everywhere”.

Below are links to a few of Amy Willcock’s articles on etiquette and articles on her table settings you’ll find on Etiquipedia:

• Cheese Course History
• Cheese Course Etiquette
• A Parody of Manners
• Georgian and Regency Era Dining
• An Interview with Amy Willcock – on her first award winning place setting 

“Nothing says ‘I’m thinking about you’ more than a homemade cake. Everyone needs a little morale booster every now and then.” says Amy.

What was the impetus or pathway for starting a career or lifestyle involving Etiquette?
About 35 years ago I started to run cookery and lifestyle workshops in our hotel in South Wales to show people how to create and cook a menu for a three coursedinner or lunch with hints, tips and ideas to make entertaining as easy as possible and always ended the workshop with a tablesetting, at that time no one in the UK was talking about tablesettings. My catering background was very different from most Home Economists who ran cooking dems. I gave really useful “get ahead” information learned from hotel kitchens.Throughout my dems I would drop in interesting bon mots about entertaining in the past and how things came down from history and found their way onto our dining tables. A few years later we moved to the Isle of Wight opening another hotel, the George in Yarmouth. We were doing a lot of work on our house and installing a new Aga, I contacted Aga to go to an Aga dem but there weren’t any in my area as they didn’t have anyone to do the dems. I offered them my services, I went toAga who trained me and hey presto I added Aga demos to my repertoire. Word went around and I was contacted by Ebury Press to write an Aga cookbook and one book eventually became nine. 

I am passionate about old silver and love to find new uses for things, such as old silver napkin rings, you can use them for napkins but they also make super little individual tea lights when put on an old mirror. I find it really rewarding helping people become confident hosts and hostesses.

What (or who) do you find the most enjoyable with regard to Etiquette and your work? 
I am passionate about old silver and love to find new uses for things, such as old silver napkin rings, you can use them for napkins but they also make super little individual tea lights when put on an old mirror. I find it really rewarding helping people become confident hosts and hostesses. Etiquette was invented to make people feel comfortable, the difference between American and English table manners is as wide as the ocean that divides us! With good manners you can dine with duchesses and dustmen alike, and good manners puts everyone at their ease. As long as you are considerate to others you will be welcome whether you use the right fork or not! My favourite book and I have many, is a slim volume by Constance Spry called Hostess. Her advice is priceless and is as relevant now as it was when printed in the 1960’s.

Amy was our Best in Show Winner for our Etiquipedia International Place Setting Competition in 2023 after having won in 2022!

What do you find the most rewarding aspect of your career regarding Etiquette?
The most rewarding aspect of not etiquette, but good manners to me, is that my children know what to do and how to behave and are fully confident where ever they go and with whomever they are with. 

What age group do you enjoy working with most when it comes to etiquette? And why? 
I enjoy teaching and helping anyone young or old to become confident cooks and I especially like helping people to feel confident in whatever situation they find themselves in. I must admit I don’t think “sugar tongs” manners are particularly relevant to anyone and look ridiculous, but good manners, especially table manners are vital to everyday living. Nothing sets my teeth on edge more than bad table manners.  

Who are some of the older etiquette authors or authorities you enjoy reading most?
My favourite book is called Hostess by Constance Spry, I have a first edition from the 1960’s and I also have a first edition Amy Vanderbilt that was given to my father when he went off to college in the 1950’s.

What types of classes or training do you offer, if any? If you don’t offer classes or training, how do you share your expertise? 
I am going to start doing dems again, I met a woman earlier this year who reminded me how much fun they were and how she learned so much so I am going to start doing them on line, a new adventure for me.

To reach Amy, you can contact her at amy@kbocakes.co.uk or follow her on Instagram @Amy_Willcock

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Prom Etiquette for Young People

  

Make your date feel special, and do not leave her with her friends all night, she spent a lot of time getting ready. — And not mentioned in the article, but very polite, if another young man asks to ‘cut in’ and dance with your date, graciously allow him to at least once.

Proper Etiquette and a Successful Prom

Although there are many ways to approach the festivities of Prom, there are a few guidelines that will make it more enjoyable, smooth, and memorable. Etiquette coach Kim R. Wilson explains what to do and what not to do:

For Ladies

1. Manners matter: Always remember to say please and thank you. 

2. Eating is a skill: Use the proper silverware by starting with the outside and working your way in. Put your napkin on your lap to keep from spilling on your dress. Remove your gloves during dinner. 

3. Accessorize: Wear a wrap or a shawl around your shoulders over a strapless dress. Do not wear rings over your gloves. Do wear your bracelet over your gloves. 

4. You and your date: Make all entrances with your date, and especially do not walk in front or behind them. Do go to Prom with a date who will pull your chair out at dinner. Tell your date how handsome he looks. Be on time, he’s nervous enough as it is. 

5. Alternative: Do not be afraid to go with your girl friends to Prom. Think of it as “less stress.” 

For Gentlemen

1. Manners matter: Do not seat yourself when a lady is standing. Do stand when- a lady excuses herself from the table. Pull her chair out when being seated. 

2. You and your date: Do not enter a room before your date unless you are turning on the light for her. Check her wrap in for her at hotels and restaurants. Make all entrances with her. Do ask another woman to help pick out the corsage and be sure to match the color to the color of your date’s dress. Do not forget to tell her how beautiful she looks. 

3. Look and feel good: Do wear your best cologne, but do not completely drench yourself in it. Do not forget your cash. Do not drink and drive. Make your date feel special, and do not leave her with her friends all night, she spent a lot of time getting ready.— Woodside World, 2007

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Japan’s Chopstick Etiquette Dilemma

Did you know? In Japan, fewer and fewer people know how to use chopsticks properly each year. For example, according to a government food culture survey conducted in 2010, only 54.2% of people 18 and older hold chopsticks correctly.

Chopsticks. In the modern world, depending on tradition, people eat with their hands, utensils, and chopsticks. Since I live in Japan, I'd like to talk about a specialty of table etiquette: chopsticks. 

I'd like to point out that there's an International Chopsticks Day, celebrated on February 6th. This day symbolizes the appreciation of this ancient Asian utensil. 

Chopsticks originated in China around 5,000 years ago, and the tradition later spread to Japan, Korea, and Vietnam. The festival aims to promote East Asian food culture, develop fine motor skills, and highlight the convenience of using chopsticks.

About 30% of the world's population uses chopsticks. They are a very versatile utensil – they can be used to pick up rice or noodles, cut fish, stir soup, wrap sushi, hold solid food while drinking liquids, scoop up food, pick out bones, and so on.

Chopsticks originated in China around 5,000 years ago, and the tradition later spread to Japan, Korea, and Vietnam. The festival aims to promote East Asian food culture, develop fine motor skills, and highlight the convenience of using chopsticks. 

Interestingly, using chopsticks engages over 30 joints and muscles, developing fine motor skills and stimulating brain function.

Chopsticks are made from various materials. Japanese chopsticks are primarily made from wood or bamboo, while in East Asia, metals are also used, such as in Korea, and ivory and plastic, such as in China. ⠀ 

I'd like to note that Japan also celebrates this day on August 4th. Chopsticks in Japan symbolize longevity and good fortune and are called "o-hashi," a polite prefix. This is a recommended gift, especially for newlyweds. Each family member uses their own chopsticks.

According to Japanese etiquette, when eating with chopsticks, one must not place the chopsticks vertically in the dish, pass food from one set of chopsticks to another, or use the same dish with other diners. These actions are performed during the farewell ceremony according to Buddhist tradition. 

Other taboos also exist: waving chopsticks, pointing at people or objects, banging chopsticks, and moving cutlery and dishes.

I'm often asked, "What's the proper way to hold chopsticks?" Even in Japan, fewer and fewer people know how to use chopsticks properly each year. For example, according to a government food culture survey conducted in 2010, only 54.2% of people 18 and older hold chopsticks correctly.

Chopsticks should be held and held like this:
1) Hold one chopstick approximately one-third of the way up between the thumb and index finger, holding it from below with the middle finger; 

2) Place the top of the second chopstick on the base of the thumb, and below it on the last phalanx of the ring finger, approximately at the base of the nail; 

3) Hold the chopsticks this way, and try to move their ends together and apart. They should always be somewhat apart at the top;  

4) Practice grasping small objects with the chopsticks, such as peanuts or corn.

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Ancient vs 20th C. Glove Etiquette

By the time this article was written, glove and hat etiquette for men and women attending houses of worship, had changed greatly over the centuries. By the dawn, and now the early years, of the 21st century, hats and gloves have fallen in use for many. They are rarely seen outside of inclement weather and the most formal of occasions.

  

Ancient Etiquette oF Gloves.

In the middle ages etiquette with regard to gloves was far more stringent then, than at present. For instance, no one as permitted to enter a church wearing gloves, which were considered just as much out of place as it would nowadays for a man to remain in any sacred edifice with a hat on. — The Fresno Bee, 1903

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Japan’s Etiquette and Setsubun

February 3rd is the traditional holiday of Setsubun, which marks the end of the seasons. It's essentially the New Year.

February is a month for the New Year celebration in the East. For example, in China, the Lunar New Year began on February 17th this year, and will be celebrated until March 3rd. In Japan, where I live, February 3rd is the traditional holiday of Setsubun, which marks the end of the seasons. It's essentially the New Year.

Traditionally, the year begins with spring. Even when talking about the arrival of the New Year, they use the expression "Haru o mukaeru" (春を迎える). Translated from Japanese, it means "Welcome spring." February 3rd is the start of the New Year according to the solar calendar.

First, you should eat soybeans (mame) equal to your age plus one bean to become healthier. These beans are sold in all supermarkets, and in large stores, in the lead-up to the holiday…

There are a number of traditions that are traditionally observed on February 3rd. First, you should eat soybeans (mame) equal to your age plus one bean to become healthier. These beans are sold in all supermarkets, and in large stores, in the lead-up to the holiday, they broadcast audio narration about the holiday. The beans are called "fukumame," meaning "lucky beans." This is how the tradition is passed on to new generations.

Celebrities, such as sumo wrestlers, renowned athletes, and famous actors, are invited to participate.

Secondly, on February 3rd, it's customary to scatter these beans at Shinto shrines. Celebrities, such as sumo wrestlers, renowned athletes, and famous actors, are invited to participate. Thirdly, it's essential to eat ehomaki rice rolls. These are rolls of the "auspicious direction." According to etiquette, ehomaki should be eaten silently and with your eyes closed, facing the auspicious direction, so that your wish will come true. The roll must be eaten in one go, without cutting it with a knife.

In 2026, the lucky direction is south - southeast (closer to the south). Incidentally, according to Chinese tradition, the god of wealth also arrives from the south on February 17th this year. This is how the traditions of the two countries intertwine. Ehomaki contains seven ingredients, symbolizing the seven gods of fortune. Kapyo (seaweed) symbolizes longevity, shiitake mushrooms symbolize protection from evil, omelet symbolizes good luck, eel symbolizes promotion and longevity, shrimp symbolizes longevity, cucumber symbolizes vitality and growth, and sakura denbu (crushed dried sea bream with added sugar and soy sauce) symbolizes celebration.

Since ancient times, one family member, usually a man, would wear a "demon" mask, and all family members would throw beans at him. 

Fourth, the mamemaki ritual is performed, which is aimed at driving away evil forces. It is customary to scatter beans while reciting the phrase: "Oni-wa soto! Fuku-wa uchi!" — "Demons out! Happiness into the house!" Since ancient times, one family member, usually a man, would wear a "demon" mask, and all family members would throw beans at him. According to tradition, this was supposed to ward off evil spirits and ill intentions, and also to ensure prosperity and good health for the coming year. Happy spring! May happiness and prosperity come to your homes!

By contributor, Elena Gavrilina-Fujiyama especially for Etiquipedia. Elena is a specialist in Japanese protocol and etiquette, and European social etiquette. The founder of the project Etiquette748, Elena is also a member of the National Association of Specialists of Protocol. She authored the best-selling book “Japanese Etiquette: Ancient Traditions and Modern Rules” after living in Japan for over 20 years. Elena recently was awarded the Diploma of the World Prize “Woman of the Russian World” in the category “Entrepreneurship” (Japan). The theme of the 2024 award is “Preservation and strengthening of the traditional family values.”

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia