From BRIDES’ on Brides of 1990’s

BRIDE'S Magazine answers some of the Top 100 questions about wedding etiquette

Questions:
1. My youngest sister is too old to be a flower girl but too young to perform bridesmaid duties. How can I include her in the wedding?

2. Who chooses her dress for the wedding first, the bride's mother or the groom's mother?

3. Does the wedding party have to have an equal number of bridesmaids and groomsmen?

Questions and more questions. Getting engaged and planning a wedding opens up an entirely new world — a most confusing world of constant decision-making and emotionally charged situations. Here's some insight into what every bride, bride-to -be and newlywed needs to know. 

The Engagement:
After the question is "popped," arrange for parents to get together to visit (or meet one another) for brunch, drinks, din- ner. The groom's mother should call the bride's mother first.

Begin shopping for a gown nine months before the wedding. Because wedding dresses are custom made, most take at least four months to arrive, once they've been ordered.

The bride's immediate family should not host the shower. If they do, it appears as if they are asking for more gifts for the bride.

Bridesmaids and groomsmen traditionally pay for their own wedding apparel, travel, hotel accommodations. (Exception: If an attendant is financially strapped, the bride and groom may help with some of the expenses.)

The Invitations:
Order 50 extra invitations for keepsakes and late additions to the guest list; 100 extra envelopes in case of addressing errors. Anticipate a 25% refusal rate.

Fold invitation across middle of engraved double sheet, insert in inner envelope with folded side down, engraved side facing up.

Slip inner envelope inside larger envelope so handwritten guests' names (Mr. & Mrs. Jones) are visible. Mail invitations six to eight weeks before the wedding.

The Ceremony And Reception:
Ceremony seating depends on religious preference. In a Christian wedding, as you face the altar, the left side is reserved for the bride's family and friends, the right side of the groom's. The reverse is true for Jewish weddings.

The maid or matron of honor may be your mother, aunt, grandmother or other special person in your life even a close male relative or friend!

In case of divorced parents, seat each parent with his/her own family and friends at the reception. Seat the groom's parents with the parent who raised the bride.

"Etiquette is about the subtle courtesies and kindnesses that smooth relationships between families and friends," says Barbara Tober, Editor-in-Chief of BRIDE'S Magazine. "Developing an awareness of the feelings and concerns of others is a skill that will pave the way for better communication with family members throughout your married life."

Answers:
1. You may have junior bridesmaids, ages 9 to 14. They precede attendants down the aisle, with or without partners.

2. The bride's mother may discuss what she plans to wear with the groom's mother, and she chooses her dress first.

3. It is perfectly all right to have an unequal number of bridesmaids and groomsmen.— The Times Advocate, 1994

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Credit When Credit is Due

It is painful to think how few people give children the credit they deserve. We all have children among us, or at least President Roosevelt hopes we do, but no one realizes how far they go in teaching our best society true etiquette. — A newspaper editor had some thoughts on children’s behavior after an Easter egg hunt in 1908.

Give Children Credit

From the Editor of the Calistogan: J. O. Wilkinson had a large garden party on Easter Sunday at his home here, the guests being composed solely of children, whose pleasures were divided between hunting for Easter eggs and eating candy. It is painful to think how few people give children the credit they deserve. We all have children among us, or at least President Roosevelt hopes we do, but no one realizes how far they go in teaching our best society true etiquette. 

Invite a lot of youngsters to a party where there is something to eat and none of them will cause the host annoyance by tardy arrivals; at the theater they are there before the rise of the curtain and never come in late to disturb the audience, nor do any of them leave before the performance is over. —The Weekly Calistogan, 1908

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Chewing Gum Got Etiquette Approval

“Writers on etiquette say that where beauty experts are advising chewing gum for beauty’s sake; airplane hostesses are offering it for digestion’s sake; athletic directors are giving it to their athletes for their throats’ sake; and bridge players are chewing for “better concentration”… 

Gum-Chewing on Pages of Etiquette Books in 1936

The world of etiquette has introduced a new recruit to its pages of when, where, and hows. No longer is it a question of whether we should chew gum, but the appropriateness of the time, the occasion, and the place, and the ways it’s done. For writers on etiquette say that where beauty experts are advising chewing gum for beauty’s sake; airplane hostesses are offering it for digestion’s sake; athletic directors are giving it to their athletes for their throats’ sake; and bridge players are chewing for “better concentration,” it is natural that the margins should broaden and chewing gum be enjoyed on other occasions. 

For every recognized form of behavior, there is a set of rules to accompany it. Here are a few suggestions that the writers of etiquette are making in connection with the chewing of gum:

• We chew when it is appropriate. 

• We either accept or refuse gum without making a fuss either way. 

• We chew only in the presence of those who enjoy chewing gum. 

• Chewing gum is like chewing anything else, and follows the same rules of behavior.

Briefly, the opinion seems to be “to chew and let chew.” — Wilmington Press, 1936

 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of  The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

When One is Received by Royalty

Remarking that court etiquette forbids repeating any of her half hour's conversation with the empress, Mrs. Wheeler said:

“But what I can say is that Her Majesty was more than gracious, has an extraordinary personal charm, is very handsome and looks so young nobody would take her for the Czar's mother. She talks perfect English. I have never had a more interesting. conversation and the memory of it will remain all my life.” — Public domain image.

Hallie Erminie Rives Received by Czarina

HALLIE ERMINIE RIVES has Just been received in special audience by the Dowager Cuarina. This honor the author of “Hearts Courageous” and other novels owes to the fact that her husband, George Post Wheeler of New York, is secretary of the American Embassy here. But the added honor of being received much earlier than is the custom to receive women whose husbands hold similar diplomatic positions undoubtedly is due to the Empress' appreciation of Mrs. Wheeler's literary achievements.

After the Imperial audience The World correspondent sought an interview with Mrs. Wheeler. Remarking that court etiquette forbids repeating any of her half hour's conversation with the empress, Mrs. Wheeler said:

“But what I can say is that Her Majesty was more than gracious, has an extraordinary personal charm, is very handsome and looks so young nobody would take her for the Czar's mother. She talks perfect English. I have never had a more interesting. conversation and the memory of it will remain all my life.”

Mrs. Wheeler has been studying Russian history for two years for material for a new novel.

"I am not going to write about the gloomy side of life," she observed with a smile. "We have enough of that side from Russia's Gorkys. I think there is much pathos in the patience of the higher people-and this I am going to portray. The Rus- sian aristocratic women I meet are all most charming. Social etiquette in Russia is complicated and Interesting, quite different from what it is anywhere else. 

Of course at the big official fetes it is impossible to get more than two or three minutes' conversation with each person. But all the Russian ladies I met asked me to call and are very nice indeed. This etiquette is, of course, quite different from ours. In America you never call to see a woman you have not met. The American girls I know who have married Russians say they make the best husbands in the world."

Mrs. Wheeler's sister, Amelia Rives, author of "The Quick and the Dead" and other books, married a Russian fourteen years ago, Prince Plerre Troubetskoy.

Hallie Erminie Rives wedded Mr. Wheeler three years and a half ago in Japan. Mr. Wheeler, long an ed- itor on a New York newspaper and an author of reputation, was then second secretary of the American Embassy in Tokio. Recently he was promoted to the position of first secretary and stationed here. — Fresno Bee, 1910

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Most Unusual Valentine Etiquette

Etiquipedia is used to reading tales of unusual etiquette. This however, is in a category all its own!

 ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

In 1903, etiquette dictated that a small image of George Washington be affixed to your Valentines sent through the mail. If not George, Ben Franklin’s portrait would suffice! — “Ardent young people who will soon be exchanging ready-made sentiment through the mails should not forget this as it is considered good form to affix the portrait of the father of his country to Valentine envelopes which are sealed.”

VALENTINE ETIQUETTE…

Advice to Ardent Young People Who Will Use the Mails

George Washington is first in the hearts of his countrymen. Ardent young people who will soon be exchanging ready-made sentiment through the mails should not forget this as it is considered good form to affix the portrait of the father of his country to Valentine envelopes which are sealed. 

When the tender missives open to inspection and no writing the portrait Benjamin Franklin is considered appropriate. The significance of this is that Franklin was a philosopher, and wrote the maxims of Poor Richard which teach economy. It will also be remembered that he was the author of the lines “He has paid, dear, for his whistle.” 

This of course does not mean whistles alone, but almost anything. Some times ‘whistle’ and ‘Valentine’ is very nearly synonymous. Whistle is a sound made with the aid of the lips, and the exchange of valentines has been known to lead up to practically the same thing, only the sound is different and it takes two to make it instead of one. The portraits mentioned may be obtained in miniature at the post office in the Ellis Block. – The Marysville Daily Appeal, 1903

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of  The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Gilded Age Valentines, Not Vinegar

“No longer may the too bashful swain get behind good St. Valentine to make a declaration of love. Neither is it good form to make it a spite day. The comic Valentine, when the joke is kind is all right, but when one is sent that is insulting and personal, it goes against the spirit of the day.” — Above, a Victorian “Vinegar” Valentine from Pinterest.

“IN place of .going out of date, Valentines are gaining in popularity," said a manufacturer of these conceits. "We don't like to make any show of sentiment in this practical age, so the old-fashioned, foolishly sweet affairs are not. used. No longer may the too bashful swain get behind good St. Valentine to make a declaration of love. Neither Is it good form to make it a spite day. The comic Valentine, when the joke is kind is all right, but when one is sent that is insulting and personal,,,, it goes against the spirit of the day. The once popular lace-trimmed Valentines are a thing of the past. Children have taken possession of these. The lover now sends his lady fair an offering of flowers, bonbons, fruit, a book, a picture or any dainty holiday gift. Where an engagement exists often a piece of jewelry is sent. It is considered better taste not to put any. card on Valentine gifts. The identity of the sender should be shrouded in doubt. This adds piquancy to the occasion. Of course, the woman in the case is usually a good guesser. 

“There is only one time-honored way to send any card or  Valentine, and that is to have it slipped under the door on St. Valentine eve. It must not under any circumstances be intrusted to Uncle Sam. and have the prosaic adornment of a . postage stamp unless the sender lives at a distance. Then it is pardonable because unavoidable, but a part of the flavor is lost when it has to come through such a channel. Even flowers and candy are left on the doorstep by a messenger boy, who runs away in the friendly darkness and watches from a. distance to see that the offering is taken in. "The etiquette of Valentine's decrees that no woman shall make a present to even her dearest female friend on this day. nor must a man give anything to another man. .This does not apply to comic Valentines, but to presents of any description. It is a. day sacred to lovers, and no one else must trespass on their privileges. Neither does a woman remember a man friend with even the most trifling souvenir. There is no hint of leap year prerogatives in this old-fashioned day.”– San Francisco Call, 1901

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Executive Etiquette from 1986

“The worst thing you can do is to go to your new boss and ask him over for dinner,” Baldrige said. “Let them do the inviting in the beginning. They need to make the first step.”

Etiquette tips for avoiding those business faux pas…

Executive etiquette. There is nothing scientific about it.

It's a question of grace, style, intuition the delicate, ever-changing nuances of social behavior that, if heeded, can make the job a whole lot easier, the employer a great deal happier and the employee perhaps a little more successful.

Enter one of the masters of manners, Letitia Baldrige, chief of staff and social secretary to Jacqueline Kennedy.

"You have to know how to play the keyboard," Baldrige began in a recent interview from her home in New York City. "When you're the new kid on the block, the main thing you have to remember is to keep your distance."

Baldrige, who recently completed "Letitia Baldrige's Guide to Executive Manners" and who delivers etiquette seminars throughout the country, is referring to the eggshell relationship that can exist between employer and employee.

There are certain things you do and certain things you do not do. Ever.

"The worst thing you can do is to go to your new boss and ask him over for dinner," Baldrige said. "Let them do the inviting in the beginning. They need to make the first step."

After feeling out one's supervisor, soaking up the office atmosphere and waiting for a proper interval of time to pass, the employee's social invitation should be made privately, Baldrige added.

"And always make sure you tell the boss's secretary not to broadcast it. That's how terrible jealousies begin. If you happen to have a lucky in with the boss, don't make it known. You'll just make enemies."

Judi Kaufman, a trainer for Etiquette International in Beverly Hills, said it is usually advisable that a restaurant, not the employee's home, serve as the site for the first social encounter with the boss.

"The employee, obviously, is not at the same economic level of his supervisors, so a restaurant is often a good neutral place to avoid any possible embarrassment," Kaufman said.

The old "let's-have-dinner" ritual, according to Baldrige, is only one of many social codes the eager young executive should learn and learn well.

Never call the boss by his or her first name until asked to, she cautioned. "And never should a young executive have his (or her) secretary place a call to a senior executive. There's nothing more pretentious than that."

Backslapping, making too many jokes about the job and acting too casually are the most commonly committed blunders made by ingratiating employees in the office, Baldrige stressed.

"There always has to be that distance kept," she said. "Call it respect or call it fear, but you don't do things like plopping yourself down next to the boss in the executive dining room." In addition to serving the First Lady, Baldrige also was President Kennedy's adviser on matters of protocol.

Perhaps that's why she offered this piece of advice: "There is nothing that drives a senior executive more wild than when a junior executive barges in to the boss's office while the boss is in with someone else (to ask) questions that aren't at all urgent or important That just drives them crazy."

Further, at social functions like an office party or company picnic, "Never hover around the boss and monopolize him even if you've established a friendship."

And, Kaufman added, "Don't drink too much at the party. The best way to win over a boss, said Kaufman, is "to know his or her spouse and a little about what they're interested in, plus knowing the first names of the children."

Kaufman's list of egregious office errors include: don't take credit for someone else's work, don't be abrupt on the telephone and don't write any memos to a supervisor longer than a page.

"You'd be surprised how much an employer appreciates good telephone manners and someone who can boil all the information the boss should know into one page," Kaufman said.

Baldrige said it's the "little extra things" that breed employee success. Make sure to respond to an RSVP, she advised, and write thank you notes when someone does you a service and congratulatory notes when someone gets a promotion.

"Another thing," Baldrige continued, "we are the worst nation in the world in terms of introducing people. If you can't remember their name, laugh about it, but make the introduction."

The introductory protocol is quite simple: "If you're talking to a judge or a chief executive officer, for instance, introduce the lesser to the more important and the younger to the older. — By Ellis E. Conklin, UPI Feature Writer, 1986

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Mid 20th C. Dinner Pary Etiquette

Two couples throw a dinner party and you attended… are you obliged to invite each of them to a dinner in return, even though you only know one of the couples?

 

 

Q. When two couples throw a large dinner party and you and your husband are included, are you obliged to invite each of them to dinner, even though you only know the one couple? L. G., Detroit, Mich. 

A. Yes. If you accept someone’s hospitality, you are obliged to extend hospitality to them in return. As a general rule, it's always better to extend an unnecessary invitation than to not extend a necessary one. When in doubt, invite.- By Maureen Eleva Reardon, 1974

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Calling Card Etiquette from The Lady

The fashion of manners and etiquette is almost as fickle as that of dress. What is this year's meat is next year's poison, to parody an old saying. It is very seldom you lift up a society paper without seeing some agonizing inquiry on the subject of visiting cards, for instance. — The Lady

The sOCIAL MIRROR

The following is from The Lady, a society journal of London, which is an acknowledged authority on social manners, and is published in the Social Mirror at the request of a number of our prominent society ladies:

The fashion of manners and etiquette is almost as fickle as that of dress. What is this year's meat is next year's poison, to parody an old saying. It is very seldom you lift up a society paper without seeing some agonizing inquiry on the subject of visiting cards, for instance.

There are endless, ever-changing fads about these tiresome bits of pasteboard, so I will try to give a few general hints; it is impossible to do more.

A question I often see asked is, which corner of a card is it necessary to bend to signify you have left it yourself? It is by no means imperative for you to bend any, but it is considered rather a smart thing to do so to the right-hand bottom corner.

The other day I heard a discussion on the vexed question as to whether you can send visiting cards by post; and a reliable authority settled that point that in no case is it permissible, with the two exceptions of a P. P. C. or a condolence card. There was an attempt a few years ago to permit bachelors to send cards, instead of calling after a bit, but the card had to be sent the next day, or the rule became void. However, it is not considered good “ton” now. 

If a man is not blessed with any female relative to take his card with theirs, then the only alternative is to call himself often a most difficult achievement in the case of business and professional men, who naturally grudge spending a hard-earned holiday in paying the stately call. But society has its rites which demand observance. I think I need hardly say that under no circumstances is it allowable to send your cards in by the servant. A well-trained domestic would of course suppress them; but mistakes are made in the best regulated families. If you are calling after a dinner party or ball, leave your cards in the hall on the way out; but if your call is merely an “at home” one, then your cards are quite unnecessary.

Then another question, which is a thorn in the side of many hostesses, is whether it is correct to introduce at an afternoon call. Many fashionable women insist upon doing it still, and there others, equally high up the social plane, who argue the fact of people meeting at their house is sufficient guarantee and introduction But I think the happy medium is hit by a hostess using her own judgment and tact. 

A shy, nervous visitor requires a few kindly words of introduction to put her or him, as the case may be, at ease. Then, if there are two people of congenial tastes separated by the length of the room, a discriminating hostess would somehow contrive that they should be brought together and started on the subject dearest to their hearts; but such a conversation does not warrant any further intimacy unless mutually desired. 

And for the benefit of debutantes and pushing bachelors, I may here add that an introduction at a public ball does not necessarily entail a further acquaintance. The small habits and details which tend to produce society polish are so subtle as to be almost indescribable one glides into them, as it were, unconsciously. For instance, to profusely thank a servant for handing you anything at a dinner party would stamp you at once as being somewhat “green” to society. 

The fact that the servant is there to wait upon you should be looked upon as a right, and accepted accordingly, quietly and easily. Then the hospitable old habit, which was considered the acme of all that was polite, oppressing your guests to take more than was good for them, has quite gone out. It makes one shudder to think of the agonies of indigestion suffered by our ancestors in the cause of “good manners.”

The art of making friends welcome without any ostentations or fuss is one of the first laws to be learned in the manners of today. This requires great niceness of discrimination and judgment, and illustrates in some way what I mean by the world “subtle.”

One of the strangest freaks fashion ever indulged in is the handshake so popular during the two past seasons, the arm from the elbow to the wrist being held quite stiff and almost perpendicular and the hand on a level with the face, which only permits of the most limited action. A glance at one of Du Maurier's drawing-room scenes will show you the correct attitude at once; but my advice to those who have not gone in for it is, “Don't!” as, having touched the grotesque, it is on the wane. Some people grasp these changes quickly, and for them it is easy, but to many it is a truly laborious effort to do something this year diametrically opposed to what they did last.

Smiles, in his book on “Character,” says that “a good manner is the art of showing outwardly the inward respect we have for others.” And the instincts of a kind heart are really worth more than all the conventional rules ever made. Still, the latter have a power of their own in the world of society, and cannot be ignored.— Humboldt Times, 1910

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Etiquette for Addressing a Widow

Maureen Eleva Reardon’s columns and advice were called “The new etiquette” back in the mid 1970’s…

Q. When a person's husband is deceased, is it proper to use the name “Mrs. John Smith?” Mrs. F. W., Fort Smith? Wayne, Ind.

A. That's the customary way of doing it. The main alternate would be for Mrs. Smith to call herself “Mrs. Mary Smith.” It's not a good alternative since that combination has generally come to mean that a woman is divorced. The woman could also call herself “Ms. Mary Smith” if she preferred. I like “Mrs. John Smith” better.

When to use the term "Mrs. John Smith" is another question. It's sensible for a woman to identify herself as “Mary Smith” in social conversation, since her name is, after all, “Mary” and not “John.” She might add “My husband was the late John Smith” if the explanation is necessary.

Business dealings are another matter. If all of the family's accounts have been in her husband's name, for instance, she may find that she must identify herself as “Mrs. John Smith” to avoid the wrath of the computers.- By Maureen Eleva Reardon, 1974

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When the Widowed Remarry

We're delighted to let you know that we'll be married October 12 at 11 a.m. at the First Methodist Church. It would help make our day if you could come to the ceremony, and to the wedding brunch at the Comstock Hotel. Please don't bring a gift... your good wishes are sufficient.

Q. I am a middle-aged widow marrying a widower. We will have a small informal church wedding inviting close friends and relatives. My etiquette book says that the invitation should be personal notes. I would like a sample wording of such a note from you. Also, we would like to include a “no gifts please” note. Would this be aсceptable?  P.R., Fort Worth, Texas.

A. Your invitation might read something like this: 

Dear Mary and Tom:

We're delighted to let you know that we'll be married October 12 at 11 a.m. at the First Methodist Church. It would help make our day if you could come to the ceremony, and to the wedding brunch at the Comstock Hotel. Please don't bring a gift... your good wishes are sufficient.

Pam and Joe

You will note that I recommend that the invitation be extended by both you and your fiancé. The traditional way is to have the woman. write, extend and accept all invitations. The start of a marriage is a good time to start eliminating this archaic custom.- By Maureen Eleva Reardon, 1974

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

“Duty Dancing” Dilemma

When the wife, hostess and dinner partner are three separate persons, it’s more complicated... sort of like choosing between three dentists. We’ll obviously have to rule out the hostess…

Q. At a large dinner party, who should the gentleman dance with first, second, third wife, hostess, dinner partner? - Mrs. L. G., Miami Beach, Fla.

A. Lucky the man whose wife is both dinner partner and hostess, for he doesn't have the problem of deciding which duty dance to dance first.

When the wife, hostess and dinner partner are three separate persons, it's more complicated... sort of like choosing between three dentists. We'll obviously have to rule out the hostess, since all the men in the room can't dance with her at once.

Presuming that the party you are talking about is a formal arrangement, then every wife would have a dinner partner to dance with her. Everybody could dance with their dinner partners. This circumvents the problem of men having to search out their wives. I assume that the room won't be full of touchy wives who feel neglected because they didn't get the first dance with their husbands. - By Maureen Eleva Reardon, 1974

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Some 1930’s Etiquette Advice

 

Dating service from 1936:  Girls, find out the aversions of your escort. Your chance of winning more than an escort may be increased.

For Women Only

Probably men are just as much annoyed at the actions of the women whom they are entertaining as are the women at the men. They, too, fear to find much fault.

• A man does not like the use of the lipstick in public- especially at the restaurant table.
• He does not like the girl to offer him food from her plate.
• He does not like her to take her own fork and help him to something from her plate. Maybe the morsel, to him, is the sweeter because of where it came from, but he does not like such demonstration in public.
• He resents her use of the comb at table.
• Perhaps he does not admire too much rouge.

 Girls, find out the aversions of your escort. Your chance of winning more than an escort may be increased.

Odoriferous Foods

I once heard a young man say, “I should care whether my girl friend likes onions or not. If I want to eat onions, I eat them. If she doesn't like it, she knows what she can do.”

Such a person is the personification of selfishness. The poor girl may be helpless. She has no other boyfriend a the present time, and is forced to go out with Jack, who chooses to eat onions that evening. No one wants to be accused of having halitosis. Eating onions is courting a form of halitosis which is really more objectionable than the unavoidable kind, because the implied discourtesy irritates.

It is discourteous to order at a restaurant any food which through its odor may disturb others at table. Such foods are strong cheese, onions, chives, garlic. - From “Manners for Millions,” by Sophie C. Hadida, 1936

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

For the Socially Scared Stiff

Helpful etiquette book suggestions for California college co-eds of 1936 -
Barker, Mary P.: “The Technique of Good Manners.” A guide to the “how and when” of efficient living. Gives common failings and suggestions for self improvement. Written especially for men. Barker, Mary P.: “Good Manners for Young Women.”  A similar guide for women, Post, Emily: “Etiquette.” The blue book of social usage.

For Scared Stiff Aggies… Etiquette Books Reviewed & Recommended in 1936

One goes to school not only to learn the three R's, but to prepare for contacts with one's fellowmen. In order that one may be an efficient social unit it is necessary to know the rules of etiquette, or good manners. Are you ever in doubt how to answer that certain invitation; how to sign your name to a letter? Are you one of those shy, self-conscious persons who are “scared stiff” every time you are introduced? Social life is a game with definite rules. Why not start now to learn the “do's”and the “don'ts”? 

The following books will help you:

Pierce, Beatrice: “It's More Fun When You Know the Rules.” Etiquette problems for girls. Very cleverly written. Simple explanations of correct etiquette for ordinary occasions of a girl's life. Partial contents: People judge you by your table manners; entertaining with the all-important problem of refreshments; looking your best; how well do you talk? when you go traveling; here comes the bridesmaid.

Eldridge, Elizabeth: “Co-ediquette.” Poise and popularity for every girl. Advice on clothes, rushing, dates, dances, football games, campus politics, conduct in dormitories, and many other phases of college life. Written in a lively, informal style. 

Hadida, Sophie C.: “Manners for Millions.” Correct code of pleasing habits for everyday men and women. See yourself in caricature.

Stevens, Wm. Oliver: “The Correct Thing.” A guidebook of etiquette for young men. Much good advice packed into a little book of 150 pages. Contains chapters on sports, making speeches, college fraternities and applying for work, in addition to the usual ones on table manners, letter writing, etc. 

Barker, Mary P.: “The Technique of Good Manners.” A guide to the “how and when” of efficient living. Gives common failings and suggestions for self improvement. Written especially for men. Barker, Mary P.: “Good Manners for Young Women.” 

A similar guide for women, Post, Emily: “Etiquette.” The blue book of social usage. -California Aggie, 1936 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Canine Etiquette

When talking canine etiquette, we’re not speaking of anything quite this formal!

In their relations with one another dogs have a keen sense of etiquette. A well known traveler makes this unexpected remark about a naked, native tribe of men living on one of the south sea islands: “In their everyday intercourse there is much that is stiff, formal and precise.” Almost the same remark might be made about dogs. Unless they are on very intimate terms they take great pains never to brush against or even to touch one another. 

For one dog to step over another is a dangerous breach of etiquette unless they are special friends. It is no uncommon thing for two dogs to belong to the same person and live in the same house and yet never take the slightest notice of each other. We have a spaniel so dignified that he will never permit another member of the dog family to pillow his head upon him; but, with the egotism of a true aristocrat, he does not hesitate to make use of the other dogs for that purpose.-Henry C. Merwin in The Atlantic, 1910

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Using Last Names

Why We Should Use Last Names in
Professional and Social Settings

Image Source: gabrieltf; "Through glass group of positive diverse colleagues.", 2026. Accessed via https://www.123RF.com/photo_202464213, Standard License.

Over the past quarter-century, something fundamental has shifted in how Americans address one another. The decision to use last names has become increasingly rare, replaced by an immediate first-name basis that many find presumptuous. Walk into a doctor's office, meet a service provider, or introduce yourself to a colleague, and you'll likely hear your first name used within seconds of meeting. For many people raised with different standards of formality, this casual approach feels less like friendliness and more like a breach of etiquette.

Commander Adam Benson, a retired Naval officer, articulates what many feel but struggle to express: the erosion of formal address represents more than a simple change in linguistic habit. It reflects a broader shift in how we signal respect, maintain boundaries, and navigate social hierarchies in professional and casual settings alike.

The Social Function of Formal Address

The practice to use last names with honorifics serves several important social functions that immediate first-name basis interactions cannot replicate.

When you use last names, you create a respectful distance that allows relationships to develop naturally. Addressing someone as "Mr. Rodriguez," "Ms. Nelson," or "Dr. Chen" acknowledges that intimacy is earned rather than assumed. This distance isn't coldness; it's consideration. It recognizes that trust, familiarity, and affection grow over time through shared experiences and mutual regard.

To use last names also demonstrates basic respect for another person's station, accomplishments, and dignity. A judge who has spent decades serving the legal system, a professor who has earned advanced degrees, or simply an adult who deserves recognition as such — all merit the small courtesy of formal address until they invite otherwise.

Perhaps most importantly, the permission to use someone's first name becomes meaningful precisely because it isn't automatic. When we consistently use last names initially, the invitation to "Please, call me Jennifer" becomes a genuine gesture of warmth and welcome rather than a meaningless default.

When Society Stopped Using Last Names: A Generational Shift

Those who came of age in earlier decades learned a clear protocol: use last names and appropriate honorifics with adults and new acquaintances until invited to do otherwise. This wasn't stiffness or snobbery; it was simply how respect was demonstrated across generations and between people of different levels of familiarity.

Today's prevailing culture champions informality as a sign of openness and egalitarianism. The thinking goes that first names break down barriers, create friendly atmospheres, and prevent stuffy hierarchies from taking root. While genuine warmth certainly matters, informality imposed without choice isn't really egalitarian at all.

When the new contractor at your home launches immediately into calling you by your first name, or when a teenager addresses an adult they've just met as "Steve" rather than "Mr. Thompson," they may simply be oblivious to the preferences and comfort levels of others. The choice not to use last names becomes presumptuous when made unilaterally.

How to Use Last Names in Today's Informal Culture

How can those who prefer to use last names navigate today's first-name-default culture without seeming standoffish or outdated?

Commander Benson offers a practical example. While technically entitled to be addressed by his military rank, he accepts "Mr. Benson" as meeting the basic level of respect he seeks. This represents a reasonable compromise — maintaining formality without insisting on every ceremonial nicety.

When meeting new people, model the behavior you'd like to see. Introduce yourself with your full name and use last names for others until they indicate their preference. If someone immediately uses your first name, you might gently say, "I prefer Mr. Benson, at least until we know each other better." Most people, when clearly informed of a preference, will honor it.

In professional settings, defaulting to the practice to use last names remains especially appropriate. Business introductions, client relationships, and workplace hierarchies all benefit from the clarity and respect that formal address provides.

Teaching Children to Use Last Names

Another concern about immediate first-name usage involves children addressing adults. Unless an adult explicitly requests to be called by their first name, teaching children to use last names with appropriate titles instills several valuable lessons.

When children learn to use last names — "Mr. Lee," "Ms. Gupta," "Dr. Patterson" — they develop respect for elders, awareness that different contexts call for different behaviors, and understanding that not all relationships operate on the same level of familiarity. These aren't antiquated notions; they're building blocks of social intelligence that serve young people well throughout their lives.

Parents and educators who teach children to use last names when addressing adults give them a significant advantage in navigating formal settings, job interviews, academic environments, and professional relationships as they mature.

The Professional Advantage of Using Last Names

In business contexts, the decision to use last names can convey professionalism, respect, and appropriate boundaries. When meeting clients, potential employers, or senior colleagues for the first time, choosing to use last names demonstrates social awareness and respect for hierarchy and experience.

Many professionals find that when they use last names initially, they're taken more seriously and establish credibility more quickly. The transition to first names can then occur naturally as working relationships develop, making that shift meaningful rather than assumed.

Use Last Names to Preserve Choice and Respect

The practice to use last names need not represent stuffiness or social rigidity. At its best, formal address is a gift we give others: the acknowledgment that their comfort, dignity, and preferences matter. In a culture that increasingly defaults to immediate informality, maintaining the option to use last names preserves choice, respects boundaries, and allows the transition to first names to carry genuine meaning when it comes.

Whether you're navigating professional introductions, teaching children proper etiquette, or simply trying to show respect in daily interactions, the choice to use last names offers a time-tested tool for demonstrating consideration and building relationships on solid foundations of mutual respect.

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Fraternity “Smoker” Stressed Manners

           
   Director Howard mentioned the advantages of fraternities especially in the training it could give the student in regard to social matters of etiquette, development of self-confidence and poise, personality, and with regards to leadership. He stressed the need of leadership in a fraternity if it is to continue to be a worthwhile organization on the campus.– 1932 Cigarette advertisement

Smoker Enjoyed by Fraternity Members 

The second annual Inter-fraternity smoker held Monday night in the classroom building auditorium was a very enthusiastic and successful event. Gene Crump, chairman of the event, acted as master of ceremonies. The smoker was opened with the distributing of cigarettes among those present, after which competitive singing between the fraternities was held.

Heinte Sevier gave the first talk of the evening. He urged the fraternities to continue to cooperate with each other as much as possible, because in this way a much stronger campus spirit as well as closer relationship between the organizations could be built up.

Two exhibition boxing bouts and a wrestling match followed Heinle's remarks, Presentation of the Inter-fraternity basketball trophy to Herb Cannon, coach and player of the championship Philo Delphos team, was made by Milton Tavernetti, Inter-fraternity council president.

The principal speaker of the evening was Director Howard, who talked on the advantages and duties of fraternities. He mentioned the advantages of fraternities especially in the training it could give the student in regard to social matters of etiquette, development of self-confidence and poise, personality, and with regards to leadership. He stressed the need of leadership in a fraternity if it is to continue to be a worthwhile organization on the campus. Dr. Howard stated that the fraternitles on this campus are much more democratic than those at larger institutions and therefore more students are given the privilege to enjoy the advantages of fraternity affiliations. 

He gave a brief history of the fraternities on this campus and mentioned a few prominent alumni members of each. He also urged the organizations to keep the alumni as interested as possible as they have much to do with the success or failure of a fraternity. Dr. Howard concluded his talk by mentioning a few of the fraternitiy members attending the college here and told a few of their characteristics.

President Tavernetti told a little about the scholarship trophy awarded each semester to the fraternity having the highest scholastic average. He then presented the cup to James Denny, president of the Alpha Gamma Rho fraternity. This is the fourth consecutive semester that the organization has won the coveted trophy.

Fred Abbott was called upon to give the closing talk of the evening. He told of the duties of a fraternity to the individual and the college. He urged the houses to cooperate to the fullest extent in campus activities and to have all the members and pledges know the heads of the various departments on the campus. He pointed out that the first duty of a fraternity is to its college. 

He stated that local traditions are an important factor in college life and urged that they be enforced. Abbott urged the fraternities to continue to cooperate with each other and to hold their inter-fraternity contests each year, as it helps create a friendly spirit among the members which in turn is reflected on the campus.

The smoker was closed with the singing of college songs and cheering led by chief yell leader Dave Mari and Mel Baumgarten, one of his assistants. Refreshments were served after the smoker. This affair has come to be a very important one on the campus and it should be carried on each year. — California Aggie, 1932

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Spotlight on Elena Gavrilina-Fujiyama

 

Meet our Contributor in the Spotlight for March 2025, Elena Gavrilina-Fujiyama

Elena is a specialist in Japanese protocol and etiquette, and European social etiquette. The founder of the project Etiquette748, Elena is also a member of the National Association Specialist of Protocol. She authored the best-selling book “Japanese Etiquette: Ancient Traditions and Modern Rules” after living in Japan for over 20 years.

Below are links to Elena Gavrilina-Fujiyama’s articles on etiquette which you’ll find on Etiquipedia:

• Etiquette of Banknotes in Japan
• Gift Etiquette in Japan 
• Japanese Picnic Etiquette and History

The following is a Q. & A. with Elena Gavrilina-Fujiyama:

What was the impetus for starting your Etiquette business or career involving Etiquette?
I have always been interested in the traditions of different countries, especially in the East. While working at the Institute of Asian and African Countries of Moscow State University (named after M.V. Lomonosov), I was lucky enough to take part in the organization of international conferences and meetings, as well as participating in international conferences and internships in Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, China and Japan. It was from studying the history and culture of Eastern countries that my interest in the rules of Eastern etiquette began, which ultimately led me to my current profession. After graduating from Waseda University, I work for an international company in Tokyo. I play golf, study Japanese calligraphy. Both hobbies are related to culture, tradition of respect, politeness, observance of rules of etiquette and showing consideration for other people.

I studied European etiquette, visiting the UK for this purpose, where I studied at Debrett’s Academy (London) and International Social etiquette consultant (The International Etiquette and Protocol Academy of London), where I received the Trainer certificate. I also studied European etiquette in France and Italy in 2014. Those studies  were with my friend Kseniia, we created a page on Facebook, “Etiquette 748”, and on other social media networks. 

For 10 years now, every week I have been writing an article on etiquette in Japan. During this time, I wrote more than 500 articles on the topic of etiquette and protocol. Most of the articles were devoted to Japan. In 2020, my book “Japanese Etiquette: Ancient Traditions and Modern Rules” was published in Moscow. The book became a bestseller and I received a national award for the top book in the field of protocol and etiquette.

For 10 years now, every week I have been writing an article on etiquette in Japan. During this time, I wrote more than 500 articles on the topic of etiquette and protocol.

What (or who) do you find the most enjoyable with regard to Etiquette and your work? 
Thanks to my work, I often travel to other East Asian countries, such as China, South Korea, Singapore, Indonesia, India, and Mongolia. I am very interested in learning about the etiquette which is representative of these cultures.

Currently, I teach etiquette online in Japan and offline for undergraduate and graduate students at leading universities in Russia.

What do you find the most rewarding aspect of your career regarding Etiquette?

I like the ethical aspect – the moral principles of etiquette – and how it combines with ancient traditions in Japan. Also how historical events influence the development of etiquette.

In Japan, I conduct my own “World of Japanese Etiquette” tours, where I give lectures and master classes on Japanese etiquette and protocol, and also conduct an excursion program to the very places which are the basis for Japanese culture and Japanese etiquette.

What types of classes or training do you offer, if any? If you don’t offer classes or training, how do you share your expertise?
Currently, I teach etiquette online in Japan and offline for undergraduate and graduate students at leading universities in Russia. In Japan, I conduct my own “World of Japanese Etiquette” tours, where I give lectures and master classes on Japanese etiquette and protocol, and also conduct an excursion program to the very places which are the basis for Japanese culture and Japanese etiquette.

I really enjoy conducting master classes and seminars on table etiquette. In Japan, table setting and food culture are very important.

What age group do you enjoy working with most when it comes to etiquette? And why?
I like to work with children when they take their first steps in the field of communication, based on knowledge of behavioral etiquette and traditional culture. I also like teaching students because they ask interesting questions, and we explore topics on etiquette from the point of view of historical events. I really enjoy conducting master classes and seminars on table etiquette. In Japan, table setting and food culture are very important. Japanese table setting is a work of art. For the Japanese, a meal is a journey into the world of beauty and harmony, which is why elegance, grace and tradition are so important in table setting.                       

I like the Mitsui Memorial Museum and my reference book now is: “Generations of Mitsui Family Treasures”.

I enjoy reading old works of Japanese authors, especially Tetsuo Owada’s, “Bushi no sahou” and I like the Mitsui Memorial Museum and my reference book now is: “Generations of Mitsui Family Treasures”. 

If you would like to reach Elena, you can can contact her via her Instagram page or on Facebook @Etiquette748

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia