Etiquette and Table Top Concerns

Party favors wrapped in “Tiffany blue” paper wait upon the seats to be placed at each of these bridal shower settings. Wait to unwrap such a favor until invited to do so by your host or hostess.

Individual Party Favors

Instead of place cards, sometimes small, festively wrapped party favors with a guest’s name on them are placed at each setting. Wait until the host or hostess encourages you to open yours though, as they are usually a special part of a well planned event.

Table Favors

Much like individual party favors, their larger counterparts, table favors, are meant for the entire table to enjoy. Sometimes these table favors are incorporated in to whimsically created centerpieces. It is incredibly rude to disassemble these types of table favors before one’s host or hostess invites or encourages everyone at the table to do so. 

After mingling briefly at a wedding’s pre-reception cocktail hour, my husband and I arrived at our assigned seats only to discover the table’s centerpiece had been thoroughly taken apart and eaten by four drunken guests also seated at my our table. I had to look around at the 30 or so other tables to enjoy all of the time and creativity which had been put into the still intact centerpieces. 

Table Crumbers

After the main course has been served, prior to dessert or fruit, the table may be “crumbed.” If the waiter or server is attempting to clean the table of crumbs, be your most polite and lean back a bit in from the table to allow him/her to do the job. 

It should only take a matter of seconds at each place setting and should not interfere with conversation at the table when allowed to be done in a smooth fashion. Table crumbers come in many types; miniature brooms or brushes with small “dust pans,” long handled and lidded rectangular dishes, and flat “scrapers” with pans or dishes to push the crumbs onto, etc....

Knife Rests

Another addition to some very formal tables are individual knife rests at each place setting. These are placed on the table above the tip of the knife for the diner to rest the tip on so as not to soil the linens or tablecloth. — From The Rsvp Institute of Etiquette “Social Graces Handbook,” 1990

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette: Tent-Style Place Cards vs Flat

 

Place cards are used for seating arrangements and should never be tampered with if you want to be invited back. Hosts/Hostesses go to a lot of trouble and time to make sure the seating arrangements are proper and that everyone's tastes and feelings are accommodated. Sit where a place card has been set for you (the one with your name on it) and mingle with others you didn't sit with afterward.

Dear Maura:

What is the proper way to include a placecard at a formal table? Where is it placed? Is the name only written on one side of a “tent- style” card, or both sides? — K.E., Ontario

Dear K.E.:

The correct usage of place cards deals solely with the intent of the usage. If you are hosting an affair with people who do not know one another, tent-style cards are a wonderful way of letting one know which place at the table is his. Tent-style cards with a name written on both sides allows others at the table to not have to fumble to remember the names of those sitting nearby them.

Both sides of the card should have the name on them and the card should be placed above the place setting in clear view of other diners.

If your meal is a get-together of friends or family who all know one another, flat place cards can be placed at each setting, on the charger, service plate or place plate to signify where one is to sit. Tent cards can also be used.

And by no means should place-cards ever be removed or rearranged by guests. Protocol and etiquette dictate that certain people be seated at certain places. Hosts and hostesses going to the trouble of following the rules in those situations are to be commended. A guest should never take it upon himself to “improve” the seating arrangement. — By Maura Graber for Inland Empire Magazine, 1993

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette When Madam is “Not at Home”

Visiting cards were extremely versatile and could be used to communicate everything from a brief visit to casual invitations and more formal invitations as well.

Dear Maura: I was always taught that it was impolite to drop by someone's home unannounced, and have stuck to that rule all my life. Lately it seems that the rules have relaxed to the point of total disregard for any rules in this area.

People have been showing up at all hours of the day and night and I let them in, but the whole time they are in my home I am uncomfortably apologizing for the condition of the place, and want to ask them to please call ahead of time before they show up so I can prepare for visitors. Would I be out of line in doing so?– P.B., Riverside

Dear P.B.: It depends on how you phrase it. If you casually mention to them on their way out of your home something like, “It was great seeing you. Next time, let's get together on a Wednesday afternoon. My cleaning woman will have been here in the morning and I'll be able to relax more. Give me a call the day before, though, to make sure I'm going to be home. My schedule is really hectic.” and say it with a genuine smile and sincere feelings behind it, this request shouldn't offend anyone. In fact, this was the acceptable way to let others know when you would be available for visits in the not-too-distant past.

Calling cards (similar to business cards) were used for just such purposes. They conveyed the message without one having to say anything. On your engraved card, you would write “At home on Mondays” or whichever day you chose, and people were to respect that choice. And if you did not wish to see someone who did stop by, a servant would say you were “not at home,” and it went unquestioned. “Not at home” could mean you were there and not feeling up to visitors or you really were out. Only the truly tacky would dare ask. And a servant would never venture to tell!

As for telephone calls, those have been made simple to refuse with the invention of answering machines. Screening your calls with an answering machine should not be looked upon as a way of talking to only those privileged few who you care to speak with, but as a way of finishing anything you are in the middle of before returning the phone call in an effort to give all your attention to the person who called.

I don't think we can ever expect to go back to Victorian or Gilded Age ways of calling upon others with cards in hand. However, I still try to let others know when it's a “good time to catch me at home” in an effort to make our visits and phone calls as relaxed and pleasant as possible. – By Maura J. Graber, for Inland Empire Magazine, 1993

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Profanity and Job Etiquette

According to a 2012 survey by Careerfinder, foul words may not only affect your reputation, they may also affect your chance for promotion.

Modern etiquette: Curse words could affect your career

WASHINGTON “Do you eat with that mouth?”

It's a question you may have asked when coming into contact with a profanity-prone colleague or office mate. But when it comes to swearing in the business environment, what is in poor taste and how does it affect your professional image?

According to a 2012 survey by Careerfinder, foul words may not only affect your reputation, they may also affect your chance for promotion.

After surveying more than 2,000 hiring managers and 3,800 workers across industries and company sizes, 64% of employers said that they'd think less of an employee who repeatedly used curse words, and 57% said they'd be less likely to promote someone who swears in the office.

So who's using all that blue language? According to the survey, half of the respondents reported swearing in the office and the majority of those (95%) reported that they curse in front of their co-workers.

Another 51% admitted to cursing in front of their boss or supervisors. And if you think that only men are using foul language, the survey indicates that women are catching up with their male counterparts with 47% of women admitting to cursing while on the company clock.

As the day-to-day demands on today's workers continue to increase, swearing can be a way to let off some steam.

However, that doesn't mean that your office should sound like a drunken wrestling match or a scene out of Martin Scorsese's "The Wolf of Wall Street" (Guinness World Records title-holder for most swearing in one film!).

Even polished professionals lose their cool on occasion, but the next time you feel a blue streak coming on, consider these tips on the long-term effects of swearing.

Lingering impressions: You are as good as your word - according to the saying - and if your words are off color, they will reflect poorly on your overall professional presence. Also, keep in mind that offices are collaborative places and we are constantly in the company of people who share different values and beliefs. If you offend someone with your language, you may harm valuable relationships with your colleagues and jeopardize the overall team dynamic. By keeping it clean, you can maintain your image as cool, collected and in charge.

Your permanent record: In many cases, swear words or off- color language can be interpreted as harassment, especially if the wording has a sexist slant to it. If you are in a management position, you have an even larger role in maintaining an environment that ensures safety and security — both physically and mentally — and cursing can create an atmosphere of disrespect and chaos. Do yourself a favor and avoid violating any human resources policy and save the swearing for the ride home.

Keeping it classy: One of the most notable aspects about cursing is that it's so common. The words and phrases are not only objectionable - they are also cliché. If you must curse, ensure your expletives are not only socially acceptable but also creative.

Off color/off brand: Again, we know there are instances where a curse word may certainly come to the surface, like when the office copier is out of toner and that "done deal" all of a sudden becomes undone. So if you are prone to cursing during stress or strike, make sure you never do so in front of a client or customer. Remember you are a brand ambassador for your company at all times and you need to protect your company's reputation along with your own. —Copyright Thompson Reuters, 2015

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

An Interview with Gabriela Angelica Rostani

Meet Gabriela Angelica Rostani, a Blue Ribbon Award winner from our Second Annual International Place Setting Competition. Gabriela is shown sitting at her Edwardian era place setting.

🍽🍽🍽🍽🍽🍽

Gabriela was born in Uruguay, but has spent her life in Italy. Always interested in image, wardrobe, fashion, jewelry and etiquette, her career path has seen her seek out training in all areas of cultural and diplomatic development. Following a degree cum laude in International Relations - Diplomatic and Consular Sciences, Gabriela undertook multiple work experiences in the international arena that led her to study the field of cultural diplomacy in-depth.

Her expertise in personal branding and business etiquette, the “anthropology of the table” and royal etiquette, along with the larger fields of study of manners and ceremonial etiquette, has led her to found her own school and teach various image enhancing and personal development courses. She consults for individuals, schools, institutions and companies. She is a member of ANCEP (Association of Ceremonialists for Public Institute) among other notable international associations. Congratulations Gabriela, on your Blue Ribbon win!

The monochrome table linens and dishes give this middle-class Edwardian setting a subdued and pristine appearance. It would have been wonderful to see the colorful foods come to life, plated at this setting. The white with the silver trim is the perfect background for highlighting the inviting menu’s culinary selections. The trinket box above the plate was not explained, so we guessed this was a table favor or gift of some kind.

Menu for an

Edwardian Era Dinner in Tuscany Italy

 Extra virgin olive oil cream with spun-curd cheese 

Served with white wine

Agnolotto (small semicircular raviolo) with maize porridge 

and overcooked beef 

Served with red wine

Knuckles of ham stuffed with guanciale (bacon) and mustard berries 

Served with red wine (timed to exactly when it will bring out the flavors best)

Nut chocolate mousse with cocoa bean biscuits 

Grapes from the garden

Brought with finger bowl

Gabriela’s mouthwatering menu was perfect for a modest dining room of the time period, however, her choice of faceted crystal stemware was an interesting one, as the stemware and flatware should generally compliment one another. Gabriela explained her choices this way, “After centuries of attention placed on culinary and receiving manners of the courts and privileged classes, the simpler people felt the need to imitate the habits at the table, but in a much simpler and more accessible way. That's why in the choice of tools, I opted for objects that were as simple as possible in common materials (as in the case of silverware). At the same time, since the early 19th century in Tuscany, there has been a flourishing production of objects engraved in white glass according to the tradition of Bohemian crystal, the presence of glasses and crystal objects testifies to the growth and development of this important processing.” 

Another view of Gabriela’s setting — Again, it would have been nice to have the setting in use, with wine in one of the glasses, or even in the wine carafe, to see how the color and light played off one another. It is possible the stemware choice was perfect for this setting, but not having wine in them, we can only imagine.

1. How did you choose the menu and various elements you used in your setting and why? Please explain each of the utensils in your setting… For which of the foods on your menu (or course) was each different item intended?

To set the table I imagined to jump right into a special evening in a Tuscan family during the Edwardian Era. In that period, there was a phenomenon of imitation of the “noble art of the table” by the middle class. After centuries of attention placed on culinary and receiving manners of the courts and privileged classes, the simpler people felt the need to imitate the habits at the table, but in a much simpler and more accessible way. That's why in the choice of tools, I opted for objects that were as simple as possible in common materials (as in the case of silverware).
At the same time, since the early 19th century in Tuscany there has been a flourishing production of objects engraved in white glass according to the tradition of Bohemian crystal, the presence of glasses and crystal objects testifies to the growth and development of this important processing.

Crystals and ceramics show the desire to demonstrate the increasingly growing purchasing power of bourgeois families.
Menu is typically Tuscan, based on locally production and high quality raw material. The larger fork is intended for meat, which needs a larger cutlery. There is only one knife, intended for meat (the pasta does not require cutting). The dessert is spooned, being an evening event, and grapes are normally eaten with the hands.

Both the glass of red wine for meat and the finger wash arrive at the time of the corresponding dish (as the etiquette teaches).

2. Why did you choose this particular period in time to set your table?

I chose to take care of the Edwardian Era because it represented a moment of impactful change in architecture, fashion, lifestyle and manners. Economic and social changes also created an environment in which greater social mobility was achieved than ever before. The economic opportunities of the middle classes are increasing, thanks to rapid industrialization. In the field of table education and nutrition, an important literature begins to deal with bourgeois social classes for the first time. For this reason, I wanted to think about how a bourgeois family of the time could behave, far removed from the dynamics of the “palace”…but, at the same time, being careful to imitate the model of the nobles!

3. How, if at all, did Covid-related social restrictions affect your choice of setting? Were you ready to celebrate? Feeling in the mood to do something different? Etc…

No, Covid did not interfere with my way of setting the table. Surely we all felt the need to meet again, especially at the table. I went through this difficult moment with my husband and my children, experiencing the beauty of the simplest things. We should not forget how valuable relationships are and take better care of them in the future.

4. Have you always enjoyed a properly set table? Or, if not, was the table setting something you learned to enjoy through your social life and/or business later on in life?

I have always shown a great interest in the “art of receiving” and good table manners. From an early age, I was educated to have good behavior at the table, which necessarily requires care in setting up and in welcoming guests. I remember that from an early age, I was committed to setting the “family table” with details and attention, above all during the most important events.

I have always had a passion for collecting rare instruments or instruments suitable for every single situation. Over time, I then learned the basic techniques and rules. Today I also deal with setting up tables during institutional events, following the strict ceremonial rules.

5. Did you do any research on table setting etiquette before setting your elements at the table? 

Yes, I always do research on new setting the table manners, on details and on various historical periods. Everything is a source of study and learning. There is always something new to learn! I consider Maura Graber's texts unique and special, as well as the contents of the Etiquipedia blog and website.

 6. Do you plan on entering again next year? 

I'm sure I want to participate in the competition again next year! Maura J. Graber and Elizabeth Soos are the greatest experts in the world and it is very inspiring for me to be judged by such experienced staff.

Elizabeth Soos and I would both like to congratulate Gabriela on her award winning setting. We are honored that she entered our contest and love meeting others who are so willing to share their talents, enthusiasm for etiquette, and their wealth of knowledge. Congratulations!

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Undertaking Etiquette: What is Done

A black-bordered envelope is what is most properly used for correspondence by those in mourning — All kindred and intimate friends should be notified of the death either by telegraph or letter without delay, while a notice of the funeral should be inserted conspicuously in the local papers. 

Usually after a death in a family all friends and acquaintances make a call of condolence during the first month. Very intimate friends call at the house as soon as they hear of the death, before the funeral. Others, a degree less intimate, make a point to call immediately after the funeral. 

All kindred and intimate friends should be notified of the death either by telegraph or letter without delay, while a notice of the funeral should be inserted conspicuously in the local papers. Letters of condolence need not at once be answered, and they are sufficiently acknowledged by a visiting card with the words “Thanks for sympathy” written thereon.

The undertaker and his assistants prepare a body for burial, unless some member of the family knows how to do this and assumes the duty. Trained nurses are taught how to perform this last sad office, and they are able to relieve the immediate mourners of the heart-breaking work of bathing an inanimate form, arranging the hair, and putting on the last garments that shall ever be worn.— From “Good Manners for All Occasions,” 1890

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Basic Flatware for the Home

More unusual servers for foods, like those pictured above for bacon and waffles (considered necessities in the American Gilded Age), are not on Patricia Easterbrook Roberts’ list. Roberts was writing mainly of utensils that were needed to set a complete table in the mid-20th century.

FLATWARE

LARGE FORK. Usually called a dinner fork it is used for lunch and dinner when meat is served. Also used with tablespoon for serving.

LARGE KNIFE. Companion piece to large fork.

SMALLER FORK AND KNIFE. Used for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, except for the meat course. This fork may be used for dessert, and, with a dessert spoon, is more commonly used in England than in America. It may be used for salad, and in some services it is made specially for this course. This size of fork and knife is used for the fish course when there are no fish knives and forks.

*FISH KNIFE AND FORK. Used mostly in Europe and from old services. Americans use the small fork and knife for fish today.

SOUP SPOON. Used for all soups, desserts, cereal, and ice cream. The round bowl is most commonly used here in America, the egg-shaped bowl in Europe. It is between the tea- spoon and the tablespoon in size. Both shapes may used as small serving pieces.

TEASPOON. Used for tea, regular coffee cups, fruit and dessert in sherbet glasses, and for grapefruit (unless you have the pointed spoon specially designed for this fruit). 

COFFEE SPOON. Used for small, after-dinner coffee service, and as a baby's feeding spoon. 

DESSERT SPOON. Used with the small fork for dessert. Also used for soup and cereal.

TABLESPOON. Used mainly for serving vegetables, salads, berries, fruits, and desserts. 

INDIVIDUAL SALAD FORK. Used for salad, pies, and pastries. American designs have one wide tine for cutting greens.

BUTTER KNIFE. For individual use on the bread-and-butter plate for butter, jam and jellies, etc. Also for hors d'oeuvres and cheeses.

OYSTER FORK. Small three-pronged fork designed for eating oysters, clams, or any cold shellfish cocktail.

FRUIT KNIFE AND FORK. Mostly used in Europe when serving fruit at the end of a meal.

ICED-BEVERAGE SPOON. With its long slender handle it is needed for iced tea, iced coffee, fruit drinks, milk shakes, and parfaits. It is also used for mixing highballs.

SALT SPOON. The tiniest spoon made, for open salt cellars on formal tables. 

LADLES. In various sizes for soup, gravy, sauces, and punch. 

CARVING SETS. Large for roast meats, smaller for steaks. 

SALAD SET. Salad-bowl servers.

*This is actually incorrect. Families in England and Europe with “old money” and large sets of inherited silver passed down through generations, had used 2 forks to eat fish with at the table. Old British and European titled families did NOT traditionally use the newly created fish knife and fork sets at their tables. “New money” European families, like Americans with new wealth, purchased “fish sets” for their tables and entertaining.

— By Patricia Easterbrook Roberts, 1961

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Impolite Language Cited in Divorce

As early as 1898, in Reno Nevada, a six-week residency requirement was all that was needed to be fulfilled for a “quickie divorce.” Nevada soon became known around the world for a willingness to shorten its already brief residency requirement in order to reap the economic benefits of the divorce industry.

‘Dam’ in Divorce Paper Ambiguous

F. B. Finley of Cherokee has furnished a new definition of ambiguity. It appears that in a divorce complaint Mrs. Sadie F. Finley is accused of calling her husband “a dam fool,” which ordinarily is considered explicit enough.

A demurrer filed in the Superior Court, however, declares that this language is unintelligent and ambiguous. According to the demurrer it appears that the time at which such language is used constitutes an important element in judging it.

But the demurrer leaves the public up in the air at that point, failing to state whether the language quoted is to be considered as polite in the morning, harsh at noon and naughty at night, or vice versa. It apparently will be up to the court to fix the rules of etiquette governing the use of endearing terms of the character quoted. 

Here is the language of the demurrer:
“Said complaint is ambiguous in that it is alleged that defendant called plaintiff a ‘dam fool’ and used foul and vulgar names in addressing her; it is nowhere therein alleged, nor can it be ascertained therefrom the time during the month referred to in each of the paragraphs or the occasion upon which the defendant called plaintiff said names and used said language to her.”— The Chico Record, 1916

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Vaping Etiquette

Top vaping etiquette tips revealed by experts to respect those around you

If you get told vaping is not allowed, “take this news with good grace” because “people will appreciate your good manners and consideration.”

Etiquette experts have revealed the vaping do’s and don’ts including never during mealtimes, not during Zoom calls, and if in doubt, ask.

Vape use is going up but six in 10 adults who vape as an alternative to smoking confess they’re not sure what’s okay when it comes to vaping politely.

And 61 per cent even describe vaping in public area as a ‘social minefield.’

However, five years since their last guide, leading authority on etiquette and behaviour, Debrett's have teamed up with Vuse to update its advice.

The advice was formulated following a study of 2,000 adult nicotine users which found more than two third regard vaping etiquette to be ‘important.’

A spokesperson for Debrett's said: “The number of people who vape in the UK has increased significantly in recent years, but the rules around vaping are not always clear.

“Five years on from our first guide to vaping etiquette, we’re delighted to team up with Vuse to share our top tips for being a courteous and considerate vaper.”

According to the etiquette guide, if it’s not clear if the public area you’re in allows vaping, just consult a staff member.

If you get told it’s not allowed, “take this news with good grace” because “people will appreciate your good manners and consideration.”

The guide also suggests against vaping in “small spaces like lifts or public loos” and “hospitals or other healthcare settings.”

And plenty of those polled concur – hospitals (38 per cent), elevators (36 per cent), and public loos (24 per cent) are all regarded as place you shouldn’t vape in.

The tips also state “engulfing others – or their surroundings – in a vape cloud is not socially acceptable.”

Be mindful in public

This is a viewpoint which seems to be shared by 45 per cent - when vaping in public, they think users should have to reduce the wattage setting on their device to minimise the vapour clouds where possible.

When it comes to food, the guide is very clear “vapers shouldn’t vape while consuming food or drink.”

More than a third of those polled appear to agree – believing restaurants should be off limits.

While just under a third believe vaping where food is being prepared should be avoided.

Workplace vaping is advised against – “unless your employer has given permission”, while doing it during meetings, Zoom calls, and job interviews can suggest someone is “not focused.”

Further to this, 33 per cent of those polled through OnePoll feel you shouldn’t vape in an office workplace setting.

A spokesperson for Vuse, which commissioned the research, said: “We hope this newly updated guidance will spare vape users any awkward situations – as the study shows there is lots of confusion over what’s good vaping social etiquette.

“But clearly it’s important to respect those around you and be as accommodating as you can.”

VAPING ETIQUETTE

If in doubt, just ask

Respect personal space

Know your audience

Defer to your hosts

Remember food and vaping don’t mix

Work-based vaping looks vapid

Respect others’ views

Electronic cigarettes may be hazardous to health and contain nicotine which is addictive. They are not suitable for use by: people under the age of 18; people who are allergic/sensitive to nicotine; pregnant or breast-feeding women; people who should avoid using tobacco or nicotine products for medical reasons; or people with an unstable heart condition, severe hypertension or diabetes. Keep them out of reach of children. – By Richard Jenkins for The Scotsman, April, 2022

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Etiquette for Shopping

Marian Brook shopping with her Aunt Ada in The Gilded Age on HBO— “If you do not see what you want, or are not satisfied with the prices, quietly retire.”

Say to the salesman, “Please show me such an article,” or use some other polite form of expression. Avoid haggling and never give insult by offensively suggesting that you can do better elsewhere. Do not needlessly consume the time of the clerk and keep other customers waiting. If you find friends in the store, it is uncivil to interrupt them in any manner while they are making their purchases.

Above all, do not volunteer your criticism either upon their taste or upon the goods. It is exceedingly rude to the salesman to sneer at or depreciate his wares. If you do not see what you want, or are not satisfied with the prices, quietly retire. — From Rules of Etiquette and Home Culture, 1890

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Monogramming Silver

An ornate silver pattern handle requires that the monogram either be placed on the back of the flatware or in the functional end of the piece. This rare Versailles sterling pattern caviar spade has the owners’ last name’s first initial prominently in the functional end above.– Whether or not she is to receive her flat silver all at once or purchase it a setting at a time, the bride should choose her pattern and monogram as soon as her invitations are out, so friends who wish to give her silver may match their gifts. 

The bride's family usually gives her her flat silver, and the groom's family gives the silver tea service as a wedding gift.

If having a silver tea service will create a storage problem in small quarters where it can’t be on display, the groom's family might better give a china service or, perhaps, broadloom if that is a paramount need of a young couple on a slender budget. It is nicer, of course, for both families to give enduring things such as silver or fine china, but many young couples would prefer checks to use only in part to start purchases of silver or fine china on a budget basis, adding to their stock as their living quarters and their social activities grow.

Whether or not she is to receive her flat silver all at once or purchase it a setting at a time, the bride should choose her pattern and monogram as soon as her invitations are out, so friends who wish to give her silver may match their gifts. She may register her silver pattern and that of her china and glass at shops from which it will probably come. This will be of much help to her friends. Silver serving dishes and platters don't necessarily match the flat silver but should be in a harmonizing style. Loveliest are the old Sheffield platters and serving dishes, plated of course on copper, but there are many modern pieces in sterling or, more usual, plate, in a variety of classic patterns that complement flatware.

If it is out of the question for a bride to have even a starter set of sterling, a fine quality of plate in a simple pattern will do. But, given a choice between a complete set of even the best plate and a four-place setting of sterling, the wise bride will chose the sterling, adding to it on anniversaries and other gift-giving times. Sterling is a permanent investment requiring no upkeep or replacement. It always has a company complexion and will be just as acceptable and beautiful twenty or thirty years after the wedding.

Styles in silver are fairly stable. Heavy embossed or repousse silver, which is hard to clean, is better avoided for the simpler, more modern, patterns. But if you have inherited heavy, heavily-decorated silver, it is heartening to know that you can still add to your set, as the great silver- smiths still produce for these familiar open-stock patterns. And often you can pick up extra forks, spoons, and knives at auctions or old silver shops. In fact, a friend of mine, with no family to give her silver and a slim budget on which to start, deliberately chose one of the lovely, decorative old pat- terns, buying it secondhand, and from time to time picks up six spoons or a dozen salad forks in antique shops and elsewhere at half the price they would be new from the silversmiths that have been making them for a century. And, as with all fine sterling, their beauty increases with use and the years.

A dozen of everything in all-sterling flatware is ideal, but a young bride can do very well with four- or six-place settings consisting of dinner knife, dinner fork, salad fork, butter knife, teaspoon, and dessert spoon. The teaspoon will be used for consommé and cream soup, for desserts in small. containers, for grapefruit or fruit cup, as well as for tea or coffee. The dessert spoon will do for soups in soup plates and for desserts served on flat plates. She will need two tablespoons and two extra dinner forks to serve with, a carving set, a cake knife and, of course, after-dinner coffee spoons.

If her budget is limited she should avoid purchasing flat silver that is. teaspoon will be used for consommé and cream soup, for desserts in small containers, for grapefruit or fruit cup, as well as for tea or coffee. The dessert spoon will do for soups in soup plates and for desserts served on flat plates. She will need two tablespoons and two extra dinner forks to serve with, a carving set, a cake knife and, of course, after-dinner coffee spoons.

If her budget is limited she should avoid purchasing flat silver that is used only occasionally fruit knives and forks, oyster forks, ice-tea spoons, fish forks and knives, cheese scoops, and the like. If ancestral silver is to be used, it is probable that some of these things will be missing anyhow and substitutes will have to be found.

A word of warning to the bride who rejects offers of sterling silver when she marries in favor of household furnishings she feels she needs more. If you don't get your sterling now, you may never get it. Once a family starts growing, its constant needs too often absorb funds we thought would be available for something so basic as sterling. So we “make-do” over the years with ill-assorted cutlery, deceptively inexpensive because it wears. out. Then come the important little dinners, as a young husband gets up in the world. We push a chair over a hole in the living room rug, put a cushion under the pillow of the sofa with a sagging spring, and distract the guests' attention from the picture-less walls by charming flower arrangements. But there is nothing that can be done about the shabby flatware, which, somehow, is still with us, even though it was bought just to tide us through the first year in the tiny apartment. But then, of course, the baby came.

Never again in her lifetime will a girl find her family and friends in such a giving and sentimental mood as they are at the time of her wedding. At no other time will it occur, very probably, to any of them to give her so much as a silver ash tray. But at the propitious moment they think of sterling silver as the gift for the bride as part of her dowry as it should be. So, though she starts married life without as much as a roasting pan, she should be able to lay her table if it's only a bridge table with the kind of silver she'll be proud to see on whatever table the future has in store for her.

Right from the start, it is the wife's task to set the tone of the family's living. And one's everyday living should differ very little from that presented to guests. We are all strongly influenced by things around us. What family doesn't deserve the sight of an attractively set dinner table, even when guests aren't present?

Should gifts of silver be monogrammed? The bride should decide how she wishes her silver marked, then, if it is given her in a complete set, it arrives already monogrammed. If friends give her flat silver from a chosen pattern, it is better to send it unmonogrammed, in case she receives many duplicates. Hollow ware and trays should be sent unmonogrammed to make them exchangeable.  – From The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette, 1952

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Amy Vanderbilt on Monogram Etiquette

This server is monogrammed with a single, elegant initial for a last name – “After she was married, or if her husband’s family presented silver, that silver was marked with her married initials or the single initial of the new family or with her husband’s crest. This meant differently marked silver used on the same table. And while this is very usual, especially when we have inherited silver, many brides prefer unity in monogramming. The bride often has her silver marked with her new initials, or the single initial of her new name or with her husband’s crest, if they both wish.”

How should silver be marked? In hope chest days a girl began collecting her silver piece by piece, long before a knight even appeared over the horizon. It was monogrammed with her maiden initials or the single letter of her last name or with her family’s crest, and it remained her personal property. After she was married, or if her husband’s family presented silver, that silver was marked with her married initials or the single initial of the new family or with her husband's crest. This meant differently marked silver used on the same table. And while this is very usual, especially when horizon. It was monogrammed with her maiden initials or the single letter of her last name or with her family’s crest, and it remained her personal property. 

After she was married, or if her husband’s family presented silver, that silver was marked with her married initials or the single initial of the new family or with her husband’s crest. This meant differently marked silver used on the same table. And while this is very usual, especially when we have inherited silver, many brides prefer unity in monogramming. The bride often has her silver marked with her new initials, or the single initial of her new name or with her husband’s crest, if they both wish.

Ornate initialing or monogramming has given way to simple markings, usually suggested by the jeweler as being in harmony with the design of the silver. Sometimes triangles or inverted triangles are used, with the bride's initials or her first initial and the groom's combined with his last initial. This may be: 

N (his last name), 

JP (their two first initials) or

J F triangle or with her first two initials at the base). 

G (her maiden initials in an inverted JP (their two first initials)  

or 

J F G (her maiden initials in an inverted triangle or with her first two initials at the base). 

– From The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette, 1952

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Social Conduct in Japan

 Basic Etiquette Tips For Japan

When traveling or moving to a completely new country, it is expected that you might commit a social faux pas or two. But with some experience and being reminded that "this simply isn’t done here” by the locals, you eventually learn what the acceptable behavior is.

In Japan, as with anywhere else, there are social rules of conduct that would benefit you to follow. The only thing is, the Japanese tend to be a little shy when confronting people about their behavior. In other words, you may never know that you are offending people, as it is possible that no one will tell you. So, here are the top five etiquette mistakes to avoid when in Japan.

Eating or drinking on trains

Generally speaking, people don’t eat while walking on the street or in crowded commuter trains. It’s not necessarily rude, but it does look a little shabby and might annoy other people.

However, on the shinkansen (bullet trains) and on planes where food is served, it’s fine to consume your own food and drinks.

Speaking in a loud voice on trains

Another thing that annoys people is speaking in a loud voice on trains and other public transportation. Using your phone on a train is a definite no-no. It’s common for people to get off at the next stop to take a call rather than face the collective ire of their fellow commuters.

Japanese people tend to be less vocal and expressive when in public compared with some of their western counterparts, so please keep it down. Yes, I’m talking to you, you loud foreigner.

Public displays of affection

Although this is changing with the younger generation, the Japanese tend to be a little conservative when it comes to physical contact or displaying affection in public.

Friends don’t usually kiss or hug when meeting, and shaking hands is not so common. Things tend to loosen up after drinking and singing karaoke with your friends and colleagues. However, at first, being low-key is the thing when meeting new people.

Incorrect chopstick etiquette

Here are some chopstick etiquette dos and don’ts:

• Do place your chopstick on the chopstick rest when you are not eating.
• Do use your chopsticks as much as possible and avoid using your fingers.
• Don’t fiddle or play with your chopsticks.
• Don’t pass food from chopstick to chopstick (this gesture is reminiscent of a traditional Buddhist funeral, when the bones of the deceased are passed between ceremonial chopsticks of the family members).
• Don’t stick your chopsticks vertically in your rice (again, this reminds people of burning incense for the deceased).

Not separating your trash properly

If there is one thing that raises the blood pressure of your poor suffering neighbors the most, it is (gasp!) not separating your trash correctly. In Japan, there are very specific and strict rules about this. Failure to comply might result in passive-aggressive notes left on your front door, or your trash being returned to your doorstep. Plastics, burnable and non-burnable trash have to be properly sorted, inserted into the right garbage cans, and thrown out on the right day. Your apartment building will usually distribute information on how to sort and throw out your trash. It is advisable to read and remember this to avoid problems with your neighbors.

This is, of course, not an exhaustive etiquette list for Japan. There are plenty of other etiquette points, such as being punctual, never making excuses, and not pouring your own beer at a party. However, as with anywhere you travel, a little awareness, common sense and decency toward your fellow human beings are key.

If you do happen to put your foot in your mouth, then check out our next article, which will teach you how to apologize in Japanese (perhaps the single most important social skill in Japan). Good luck! — 

BY ASUKA NAITO 
JUNE 4, 2021 
LIFESTYLE

For  Savvy Tokyo , 2021

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia

Savvy Hostess’ Entertaining Tips

If yours is a “sit down” dinner, have room temperature water (with no ice in the glasses) at the table. Condensation from glasses won’t be leaving wet rings on your table linens or dripping onto silk dresses and ties. Also, cold ice water numbs the palate and the food is not as tasty as it could be.

1. Schedule your party by the size of your guest list and amount of your budget. Full meals will be expected if you invite guests during the lunch hour (11:00-1:30) or at dinner time (4:00-7:00). Light buffets of crudités and hors d’oeuvres can be served during the off hours.

2. Be specific with what attire you expect: “Festive attire encouraged” or “holiday dress welcomed!” Leave room for the imagination and every budget. “Business attire” is too ambiguous. Doctors, plumbers bankers have three different standards. Unless you want a potpourri of clothing styles, spell it out. Your guests won’t be surprised and neither will you.

3. Hire a sitter if you have the room and encourage house bound moms and dads to bring along the kids. Have pizza delivered for them and room available to watch videos or color and draw. Even small gifts for the children will keep them entertained for hours and out of the adults’ hair.

4. If yours is a “sit down” dinner, have room temperature water (with no ice in the glasses) at the table. Condensation from glasses won’t be leaving wet rings on your table linens or dripping onto silk dresses and ties. Also, cold ice water numbs the palate and the food is not as tasty as it could be.

5. Have non-alcoholic beverages on hand as well as soft drinks for non-drinkers. Having wines with your meal, even with several good choices available to your guests, is less expensive than stocking a bar. Again, you don't have the condensation or dripping glass problem to deal with.

6. Keep your menu simple, and practical. Offer plenty of pastas or salads and interesting crackers along with cheeses and breads. The health conscious guests will feel pampered. Beef lovers will still be satisfied if you provide meats in moderation. Shellfish and fowl are also popular and can fit into most budgets.

7. Designate an alternate host or hostess in case of the always unexpected yet unexpected calamity. Enlist the aid of a good friend or relative to take over in the event you are faced with backed-up plumbing or a small kitchen fire. Familiarize your your alternate with where the main supplies are and who is on your guest list.

8. Have a plan “B” to execute in dire emergencies. Every smart hostess has taken her cue from Dr. Suess’ famous cat that carried a whole alphabet in his hat. Be prepared for the unpredictable. Weather is tops on my list, a sick child is second. Limit the stressors and you maximize your unflappable control of the situation.— Maura J. Graber, 1994

 
Contributor, and Site Editor, Maura J. Graber has been teaching etiquette to children, teens and adults, and training new etiquette instructors, since 1990, as founder and director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette. A writer, Graber has been featured in countless newspapers, magazines and television shows, and was an on-air contributor and correspondent for PBS in Southern California for 15 years. She is working on her 4th book on etiquette and antiques throughout history and is a historical etiquette consultant for Julian Fellowes’ newest period drama, The Gilded Age. Her popular books on antique flatware and etiquette history are available on Amazon

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia