Etiquette When Madam is “Not at Home”

Visiting cards were extremely versatile and could be used to communicate everything from a brief visit to casual invitations and more formal invitations as well.

Dear Maura: I was always taught that it was impolite to drop by someone's home unannounced, and have stuck to that rule all my life. Lately it seems that the rules have relaxed to the point of total disregard for any rules in this area.

People have been showing up at all hours of the day and night and I let them in, but the whole time they are in my home I am uncomfortably apologizing for the condition of the place, and want to ask them to please call ahead of time before they show up so I can prepare for visitors. Would I be out of line in doing so?– P.B., Riverside

Dear P.B.: It depends on how you phrase it. If you casually mention to them on their way out of your home something like, “It was great seeing you. Next time, let's get together on a Wednesday afternoon. My cleaning woman will have been here in the morning and I'll be able to relax more. Give me a call the day before, though, to make sure I'm going to be home. My schedule is really hectic.” and say it with a genuine smile and sincere feelings behind it, this request shouldn't offend anyone. In fact, this was the acceptable way to let others know when you would be available for visits in the not-too-distant past.

Calling cards (similar to business cards) were used for just such purposes. They conveyed the message without one having to say anything. On your engraved card, you would write “At home on Mondays” or whichever day you chose, and people were to respect that choice. And if you did not wish to see someone who did stop by, a servant would say you were “not at home,” and it went unquestioned. “Not at home” could mean you were there and not feeling up to visitors or you really were out. Only the truly tacky would dare ask. And a servant would never venture to tell!

As for telephone calls, those have been made simple to refuse with the invention of answering machines. Screening your calls with an answering machine should not be looked upon as a way of talking to only those privileged few who you care to speak with, but as a way of finishing anything you are in the middle of before returning the phone call in an effort to give all your attention to the person who called.

I don't think we can ever expect to go back to Victorian or Gilded Age ways of calling upon others with cards in hand. However, I still try to let others know when it's a “good time to catch me at home” in an effort to make our visits and phone calls as relaxed and pleasant as possible. – By Maura J. Graber, for Inland Empire Magazine, 1993

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia