Calling Card Etiquette from The Lady

The fashion of manners and etiquette is almost as fickle as that of dress. What is this year's meat is next year's poison, to parody an old saying. It is very seldom you lift up a society paper without seeing some agonizing inquiry on the subject of visiting cards, for instance. — The Lady

The sOCIAL MIRROR

The following is from The Lady, a society journal of London, which is an acknowledged authority on social manners, and is published in the Social Mirror at the request of a number of our prominent society ladies:

The fashion of manners and etiquette is almost as fickle as that of dress. What is this year's meat is next year's poison, to parody an old saying. It is very seldom you lift up a society paper without seeing some agonizing inquiry on the subject of visiting cards, for instance.

There are endless, ever-changing fads about these tiresome bits of pasteboard, so I will try to give a few general hints; it is impossible to do more.

A question I often see asked is, which corner of a card is it necessary to bend to signify you have left it yourself? It is by no means imperative for you to bend any, but it is considered rather a smart thing to do so to the right-hand bottom corner.

The other day I heard a discussion on the vexed question as to whether you can send visiting cards by post; and a reliable authority settled that point that in no case is it permissible, with the two exceptions of a P. P. C. or a condolence card. There was an attempt a few years ago to permit bachelors to send cards, instead of calling after a bit, but the card had to be sent the next day, or the rule became void. However, it is not considered good “ton” now. 

If a man is not blessed with any female relative to take his card with theirs, then the only alternative is to call himself often a most difficult achievement in the case of business and professional men, who naturally grudge spending a hard-earned holiday in paying the stately call. But society has its rites which demand observance. I think I need hardly say that under no circumstances is it allowable to send your cards in by the servant. A well-trained domestic would of course suppress them; but mistakes are made in the best regulated families. If you are calling after a dinner party or ball, leave your cards in the hall on the way out; but if your call is merely an “at home” one, then your cards are quite unnecessary.

Then another question, which is a thorn in the side of many hostesses, is whether it is correct to introduce at an afternoon call. Many fashionable women insist upon doing it still, and there others, equally high up the social plane, who argue the fact of people meeting at their house is sufficient guarantee and introduction But I think the happy medium is hit by a hostess using her own judgment and tact. 

A shy, nervous visitor requires a few kindly words of introduction to put her or him, as the case may be, at ease. Then, if there are two people of congenial tastes separated by the length of the room, a discriminating hostess would somehow contrive that they should be brought together and started on the subject dearest to their hearts; but such a conversation does not warrant any further intimacy unless mutually desired. 

And for the benefit of debutantes and pushing bachelors, I may here add that an introduction at a public ball does not necessarily entail a further acquaintance. The small habits and details which tend to produce society polish are so subtle as to be almost indescribable one glides into them, as it were, unconsciously. For instance, to profusely thank a servant for handing you anything at a dinner party would stamp you at once as being somewhat “green” to society. 

The fact that the servant is there to wait upon you should be looked upon as a right, and accepted accordingly, quietly and easily. Then the hospitable old habit, which was considered the acme of all that was polite, oppressing your guests to take more than was good for them, has quite gone out. It makes one shudder to think of the agonies of indigestion suffered by our ancestors in the cause of “good manners.”

The art of making friends welcome without any ostentations or fuss is one of the first laws to be learned in the manners of today. This requires great niceness of discrimination and judgment, and illustrates in some way what I mean by the world “subtle.”

One of the strangest freaks fashion ever indulged in is the handshake so popular during the two past seasons, the arm from the elbow to the wrist being held quite stiff and almost perpendicular and the hand on a level with the face, which only permits of the most limited action. A glance at one of Du Maurier's drawing-room scenes will show you the correct attitude at once; but my advice to those who have not gone in for it is, “Don't!” as, having touched the grotesque, it is on the wane. Some people grasp these changes quickly, and for them it is easy, but to many it is a truly laborious effort to do something this year diametrically opposed to what they did last.

Smiles, in his book on “Character,” says that “a good manner is the art of showing outwardly the inward respect we have for others.” And the instincts of a kind heart are really worth more than all the conventional rules ever made. Still, the latter have a power of their own in the world of society, and cannot be ignored.— Humboldt Times, 1910

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia