Etiquette and a Complaining Dyspeptic

As a bright creature said not long ago after being thrown into the company of this pronounced type of dyspeptic: “Why, I'd just as soon darn my stockings between the courses, or manicure my nails, or do anything of that sort at the table, as to talk of uproarious rebellious interior organs, and yet I have had to listen to a running commentary on them for six weeks!”… 
Alerting a host or hostess ahead of a meal that one has dietary or other food restrictions is one thing. A smart host or hostess will know how to handle the situation discreetly. But turning one’s gut and stomach issues into a topic of discussion at the dining table is another – whether your repast is being served in a humble boarding house or the grand dining room in a Newport mansion. Good manners will keep one from divulging the details of their dyspepsia at the dining table.

Who of us that has ever “boarded” in the usual way has not been at some time afflicted with the society of the complaining dyspeptic boarder. The malady is too prevalent for us always to escape her, though it doesn’t follow that she must be a disagreeable stamp of invalid. By no means. But there is one specimen which haunts public tables, whether at home or abroad, that we would all like to have suppressed by fair means or foul. 

You ask one of these dyspeptics, “Will you have some white bread?” and she replies with the air of a wife of a candidate, “No, I don't eat anything made of white flour. It seems to swell up inside of me,” “Shall I help you to some ragout of veal?” “No, thanks,” this time she speaks with angelic sweetness, “I love it, but it doesn't love me!”- such an original remark! - “the last time I ate veal I was up all night,” and then she folds her hands resignedly under the table. “Cheese?” “No, thanks!” - this dyspeptic kind of woman always says, “Thanks, it does not agree with me; my husband's father was a doctor, and he told me never to eat cheese with my stomach,” and so on, and so on.

Then she will be sure to recommend certain dishes to the assembled guests, and to her daughter, if she has a daughter, it is: “Susie, dear, eat only the stone fruit, and a great deal of it; it is so good for you, dear.” Or it is: “Susie, remember your stomach was out of order yesterday; don't eat that!” Until you have a succession of internal and infernal pictures, as a delightful sauce for your dinner, breakfast and lunch conversations. The beauty of it is, this chronic sufferer consumes more food than a person of healthy appetite with perfect digestion. You can’t blame anybody for having a disordered pâté de foie gras liver, but it is rather distressing to continually hear about it. 

As a bright creature said not long ago after being thrown into the company of this pronounced type of dyspeptic: “Why, I'd just as soon darn my stockings between the courses, or manicure my nails, or do anything of that sort at the table, as to talk of uproarious rebellious interior organs, and yet I have had to listen to a running commentary on them for six weeks!” It is a question if a chapter on this American trait shouldn't be added to a certain little manual on etiquette and table manners that some of us would like immediately answered in the affirmative. – Boston Herald, 1888

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Advice: Strive for Elegance

“Some people eat instinctively with great elegance; some never achieve elegance in these minor matters, but all should strive for it. There is no more repulsive object than a person who eats noisily, grossly, inelegantly.” – One form of inelegant dining at the table was achieved by those gilded age, young women who refused to remove their mousquetaire gloves at the table. Yes, the gloves could be simply unbuttoned and one could shove the glove’s “fingers” under the gloves, pushing them out of the way… avoiding the need to remove them completely, as any elegant women at the table had done. But this custom was never considered proper at the table. Removing one’s gloves completely at the table was the required etiquette, as it still is today.

GOOD AND BAD TABLE MANNERS

Some people eat instinctively with great elegance; some never achieve elegance in these minor matters, but all should strive for it. There is no more repulsive object than a person who eats noisily, grossly, inelegantly. Dr. Johnson is remembered for his brutal way of eating almost as much as for his great learning and genius. With him it was selfish preoccupation.

Fish and fruit are eaten with silver knives and forks; or, if silver fish-knives are not provided, a piece of bread can be held in the left hand. Fish corrodes a steel knife. Never tilt a soup-plate for the last drop, or ostentatiously scrape your plate clean.

A part of table manners should be the conversation. By mutual consent, everyone should bring only the best that is in him to the table. There should be the greatest care taken in the family circle to talk of only agreeable topics at meals. The mutual forbearance which prompts the neat dress, the respectful bearing, the delicate habit of eating, the attention to table etiquette, should also make the mind put on its best dress, and the effort of any one at a meal should be to make himself as agreeable as possible.

No one should show any haste in being helped, or any displeasure at being left until the last. It is always proper at an informal meal to ask for a second cut, to say that rare or underdone beef is more to your taste than the more cooked portions. But one never asks twice for soup or fish; one is rarely helped twice at dessert. These dishes, also salad, are supposed to admit of but one helping– Tuolumne Independent, 1883

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

The Value of Etiquette

Frontier humorist, Bill Nye, more formally known as Edgar Wilson Nye, was the first editor of the “Laramie Boomerang.” He named the Wyoming paper for his mule, because of what he described as the “eccentricity of his orbit.”

A Dissertation on the Folly of Indistinct Introduction and Kindred Topics

There seems to be a growing tendency on the part of the average American toward what I may be pardoned for calling the anonymous or incognito introduction. This introduction generally starts off in a fortissimo strain that if kept up throughout the recital would herald the names of both parties to the uttermost parts of the earth. Then the piano and diminuendo strain comes.

That is the reason we are acquainted with so many people whose names we do not know. A man steps up to you in a crowd somewhere in one of those quiet little town meetings where it is a mark of great conversational genius to talk steadily onward without using the mind, and says: "Pardon me, I want to make you two people acquainted. You ought to know each other. You are both friends of mine. Mr. _________, Mr.  _________. There, now you are acquainted!" 

Why a man should write a long letter and write it plainly, signing it at the end with a name that would have bothered Daniel to decipher, is more than I can understand. It is the same style of peculiarity as the anonymous introduction exactly. I may be a little careless about my penmanship while writing in a great hurry, trying to keep up with my surging thoughts, but I most always sign my name so that it can be deciphered. I have written letters where the signature was the only thing that was absolutely beyond the possibility of doubt. But if a man signs his name so that you can write to him and ask him what the balance of his letter was about, it is better than a long beautifui letter from unknown and unknowable person. In the latter case you are left to kick the empty air.

Some day when I get more time I am going to prepare a long, treatise upon etiquette and deliver it to the American people, illustrated by one of those stereopticons. Etiquette has been a life-long study for me. It is a thing that has engrossed my attention from my earliest boyhood, and it shows. itself at once in my polished manners and easy running carriage.

At table especially our American people need a great deal of training. Wherever I go I am struck with our sad need of careful training. As a country we need careful instructions in our manners, more especially at hotels. Only the other day, at the table d'hote, I heard a man ask for half a dozen buckwheat cakes, and when they came to him he moistened the tips of his fingers in a finger-bowl and ran over the cakes as he would a roll of currency if he was the assistant cashier in a National bank. Another man at the same table was asked to pass the pepper- box and he took it with his thumb on the bottom and his two first fingers on the top, just as he had been in the habit of moving a stack of chips from the ace to the deuce, no doubt for years.

So we as a people crowd our vocations to the front and we are not able to banish our trades and professions even at table. We should try to overcome this, and there are many other features of our national etiquette which we need to change. Only last week I saw a fine-looking young man sit at a hotel table combing his mustache with his fork, and while in a brown study the fork slipped out of the mustache and plunged with a sickening jab into his eye. We cannot be too careful in our intercourse with men to avoid all appearance of evil.

Etiquette always marks the true gentleman and makes him an object of curiosity, especially at a hotel. When you see a gentleman with whom you are not acquainted you should look upon him with genteel horror and shudder two times in rapid succession. This will convince a stranger that you have been reared with the greatest care and that your parents have taken special pains not to allow you to associate with vulgar people.

I started out to say a few words about the folly of indistinct introductions and wappy-jawed signatures, but I have wandered away, as I am apt to do, and I apologize, hoping that the genial and rosy-cheeked reader as she sits in her boudoir, on this glorious morning, looking more like a peri than any thing else I can think of, will forgive me. – By Bill Nye, in N. Y. Mercury, 1893

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Advice for “Vocal Culture”

I deny that a woman is formed by nature so as to be compelled to shriek in falsetto in order to throw her voice to the distance of five, ten or twenty rods. Good etiquette requires for our comfort and highest accomplishment a clear, strong, full use of the voice. 

A Plea for Voice Culture

A good deal is being done to educate the hands. In my opinion it is becoming a vital matter to also educate the voice, not for special purposes, but for everyday use. Women rarely use their lungs and throats wisely. I know many who can hardly be heard distinctly across a table. This is often affectation; more often it is a habit formed from a belief that a woman should not be loud voiced. It is not necessary to screech in order to be heard, that is if your voice has been discreetly used. 

A child's voice is generally pleasant until made unpleasant by bad habits or a bad spirit. But an unused, neglected voice, when driven to effort, makes a bad mess of it. I deny that a woman is formed by nature so as to be compelled to shriek in falsetto in order to throw her voice to the distance of five, ten or twenty rods. Good etiquette requires for our comfort and highest accomplishment a clear, strong, full use of the voice. 

There never was invented by art so charming an instrument as a beautiful throat. Yet how many voices are wretchedly cracked and squeaking. I am ambitious as a mother that each one of my children shall have fine vocal organs; well developed, well trained and delightful to be heard. That is, we should not only be able to talk to people all the way to them, but so as to delight them when we are heard.- Mary E. Spencer in St. Louis Globe-Democrat, 1892

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Points in Etiquette

You should exchange calls with individuals before inviting them to your house. – Gilded age silver calling card tray, with a playful pup chewing on a newspaper, dated May 4, 1891. The card tray is featured in the book, “What Have We Here?: The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond...”

   

• Letters should never be crossed. 
• Letters of introduction should be brief.
• Always offer ladies the right arm.
• Ladies do not talk across the street.
• Never wait over fifteen minutes for a tardy guest.
• Walk around a lady’s train; don't step over it or on it.
• “Yours, etc...,” is a rude ending to letters as a rule.
• Say “Good-bye” on leaving, not “Good morning” or “Good evening.”
• In bowing, the inclination of the head alone is necessary.
• Much underscoring in a letter is vulgar and meaningless.
• A gentleman walking with a lady returns a bow made to her.
• Nothing is more vulgar than finery and jewelry out of place.
• It is the place of the one introduced to make the first remark.
• The custom of sending flowers to funerals is growing in disfavor.
• Don’t keep flowers for your friend’s coffins. Give them while living.
• Never pass an acquaintance without a salutation of recognition.
• Always speak to an acquaintance with a smile in your eye; avoid grinning.
• “Yours truly,” is the correct form for closing business but not friendly letters.
• Upon introduction, enter at once into conversation.
• Upon leaving a room, one bow shall include all.
• A call should not be less than fifteen minutes in length.
• A note requires as prompt an answer as a spoken question.
• Regrets in reply to invitations should contain the reason therefor.
• At table you are not required to thank the one who waits on you.
• You should exchange calls with individuals before inviting them to your house.
• The custom of leaving a blank margin on the left hand side of each page of a letter is obsolete. – San Jose Weekly Mercury, 1880

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

National Guard Battles Bad Manners

Then things grew warm, for if there is one thing that Captain Sullivan prides himself on it is his ability to behave as a gentleman, and as for his table etiquette- well, he just simply defies any one to prove that he is not on to the very latest wrinkles. Of course the captain’s friends have implicit faith in him and stand ready to back him against Ward McAllister if necessary, but then Adjutant Delaney’s have not, and they are making every possible use of Colonel Barry's insinuations. – Public domain image of the California National Guard logo

LACK OF MANNERS

Why a Captain May Not Be a Major

THIRD REGIMENT TROUBLES

One Officer Insinuates That Another May Eat Pie With a Knife

To be a member of the National Guard and not to be mixed up in some sort of internal row is considered the greatest kind of a disgrace just now.

First the Light Battery privates became mixed up with their superiors; then the boys over in Oakland took a hand in the affair and began to call each other choice and pet names and now a big dark war cloud is hovering over the Third Regiment.

It is over an election that the Third Regiment folks seem fated to quarrel.

The Legislature at the last session, perhaps with the purpose in view of providing additional attractions to the feminine eye during the summer encampments, created the office of junior major in each regiment in the State.

When the time came for the filling of the office in the Third Regiment two persons appeared up as aspirants for it.

One was William M. Sullivan, at present captain of Company D, and the other William P. Delaney, the present adjutant.

Immediately the officers took sides, and when a count of noses was made it was found that the Sullivan end was the stronger.

Then Colonel Barry waxed wroth. The colonel is a supporter of Delaney and it grieved him to learn that a majority of his subordinate officers was not in sympathy with him.

It was during Colonel Barry's angry moments that the great trouble started.

“Elect this fellow Sullivan major of my regiment,” exclaimed the colonel. “No, never while I have a thing to do with it,” and then in a quiet way he proceeded to make known his objections to the “fellow Sullivan.”

Among them were insinuations that “D” company’s captain was a bit short on manners. That he knew but little of table etiquette, and that were he to gain the coveted office the regiment, could never again shine socially.

Now had Colonel Barry made his remarks in the presence of his own friends only, or, better still, to himself in the secrecy of his boudoir, all might have gone well. But then he didn't. He made them in the presence of a number of people among whom were a few of Sullivan’s friends, and they of course immediately carried the tale to him.

Then things grew warm, for if there is one thing that Captain Sullivan prides himself on it is his ability to behave as a gentleman, and as for his table etiquette- well, he just simply defies any one to prove that he is not on to the very latest wrinkles. Of course the captain’s friends have implicit faith in him and stand ready to back him against Ward McAllister if necessary, but then Adjutant Delaney's have not, and they are making every possible use of Colonel Barry’s insinuations.

They recite the adjutant’s many acts of gallantry; tell of his dancing ability, the graceful manner in which he acts at table and of his captivating manners while in the company of the fair sex, and in the most sarcastic manner they inquire what Sullivan has to say for himself.

Then Sullivan’s friends take a turn at talking. They begin by denying all the charges against their man, and they take a shy at his opponent, but all this talk is doing little to solve the much-mooted question, and among the disinterested a doubt still exists as to whether Captain Sullivan be a man overburdened with good manners, or if he be one who eats pie with a knife, uses a napkin for a facecloth and wears his hat in a parlor, or Colonel Barry be a little hasty.

It has been found necessary to postpone the election in order to solve the knotty question, - San Francisco Call, 1893

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Etiquette of Eating

In taking your place at the table you should not get too close nor to far away. Some authorities say a foot is about the proper distance, but you may not desire to wait to have the measure taken, it is best to make sure that you get in reach of it. If you do not drink wine it is best not to deliver a temperance lecture to those who do. In partaking of fruits, such as oranges, cut them into small morsels before eating and never swallow them whole. – Above, 2 different types of gilded age silver “orange holders” from the book, What Have We Here?: The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond... 

Almost any one can eat, but to eat according to the established rules of good society is another story. If you happen to discover that a great man eats pie with his knife, do not follow his example in the hope of acquiring greatness, for ten to one that is not how he came to be great.

The first thing to be considered is how to get to the table. In the rush it is considered bad form to get ahead of the ladies. Give them a chance. In taking your place at the table you should not get too close nor to far away. Some authorities say a foot is about the proper distance, but you may not desire to wait to have the measure taken, it is best to make sure that you get in reach of it. If you do not drink wine it is best not to deliver a temperance lecture to those who do. In partaking of fruits, such as oranges, cut them into small morsels before eating and never swallow them whole.

Never attempt to talk when the mouth is full If you are spoken to when in such a predicament it is best - provided you are not familiar with the deaf and dumb alphabet - to quietly and unostentatiously slip the morsel from your mouth and drop it under the table; but in case it be something you are loath to surrender, you might place it in charge of some reliable person till you have finished your discourse. In matters of this kind you will have to depend largely argely upon your own tact, as no iron-bound rules can be given.

Remember that you are not supposed to quit eating simply because you have gotten enough. You must have sufficient regard for the feelings of others to go on making a pretense at eating till all have finished. I have this from good authority. and though it may seem that if all adhere to this rule there would be no end to the feast - that it would result in an endless chain that would reach into the misty realms of futurity - yet experience has proved that there will always be one ill-bred person present who has no more sense than to quit when he gets enough, and so furnish a pretext for those of gentle breeding to bring the agony to a close. – Marysville Daily Appeal, 1898

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Timeless Etiquette of the Middle Ages

“Fifty Courtesies of the Table,” or “Fifty Courtesies at Table,” is a medieval book of table manners and the proper behavior at the table for social acceptance – “Attend to your own plate and not to that of others. Do not mix together on your plate all sorts of viands, meat and eggs. It may disgust your neighbor. Do not eat coarsely or vulgarly, and if you have to share your bread with anyone cut it neatly if you do not wish to be ill bred. Do not soak your bread in your wine, for,” says the friar, “if any one should dine with me and thus fish up his victuals I should not like it.”– Depiction of a medieval banquet

  

ETIQUETTE

TABLE MANNERS THAT STILL HOLD:

Friar Bonvesin, a Holy Man, 

Who Liked Polite Company, 

Laid Down Sensible Rules

“Fifty Courtesies of the Table.” That is the title of a curious old manuscript of the thirteenth century to be found among the numberless rolls of yellowed and shriveled parchments which constitute the great wealth of the Ambrosian library at Milan. It is written in verse by Friar Bonvesin, who appears to have been an arbiter of good manners to the public of six centuries ago and who has not been essentially improved upon by the numerous writers on etiquette of more recent years.

Fra Bonvesin seems not only to have possessed pretty good sense regarding the cardinal points of refined table manners, but also to have had an appreciation of the more delicate touches of good breeding and gentility worthy of my Lord Chesterfield himself.

It can do no harm to repeat some of the worthy monk’s admonitions, for they are not only of interest as throwing light on the civilization and customs of the time, but the greater number of them might be pasted in every man’s hat with advantage to the wearer, provided he would look at them occasionally for almost every one has at least read or been told what good manners are. The practice of them is what is lacking.

After impressing on his readers the necessity of cleanliness in personal appearance at table he continues: “Do not be in too great a hurry to take your seat at table before being invited. If you should find your place occupied, do not make any disturbance about the matter, but politely yield.”

The Tübingen School, the Renans and the Ingersolls had not as yet unsettled the popular mind on certain important questions, and the necessity of saying grace was of more consequence in Friar Bonvesin’s day than it might be considered now. One is particularly warned not to neglect saying grace. “It is, to the extreme, gluttonous and vile and showing great contempt of the Lord to think of eating before having asked his blessing.” This over, one is admonished “to sit decently at the table, not with the legs crossed nor with elbows on the board.”

“Do not” - mark this, you representative from the rural districts, you business man with but a few moments to spare for your lunch, you well gorged patrons of high priced restaurants, mark this “do not fill your mouth too full. The glutton who fills his mouth will not be able to reply when spoken to.” And elsewhere the careful brother utters an especial warning against the breach of good manners in eating noisily.

Evidently the worthy frater thought little of the table talk of that day, for his next recommendation savors strongly of the homely but expressive mandate of our grandparents, “Let your victuals stop your mouth.” Friar Bonvesin’s version is, “When eating, speak little, because in talking one's food is apt to drop or be spluttered.” “When thirsty, swallow your food before drinking.” Excellent hygiene as well as good manners.

In that early time dinner services were not as complete as in later periods. Each guest was supposed to bring with him his own knife and spoon, and there was but one drinking cup for the whole company. The following admonitions as to the use of this cup are of interest: “Do not dirty the cup in drinking. Take it with both hands firmly, so as not to spill the wine. If not wishing to drink and your neighbor has dirtied the cup, wipe it before passing it on.”

The fourteenth courtesy is admirable, and not only admirable, but applicable to many diners out of the present and to all those amiable people whose conviviality is in excess of their discretion: “Beware of taking too much wine, even if it be good, for he offends trebly who does so against his body and his soul, while the wine he consumes is wasted.” Prudent old Friar Bonvesin!

“If any one arrives during the meal” one is told “not to rise, but continue eating.” The sixteenth courtesy is one particularly significant for the present, as in it those who take soup are counseled not to “swallow their spoons” and are further advised to “correct themselves of this bad habit as soon as possible. If you should sneeze or cough, cover your mouth, and above all turn away from the table.”

The next courtesy has the true Chesterfieldian stamp: Good manners demand that one should partake, however little, of whatever is offered - if, that is, one is in good health. “Do not,” urges Friar Bonvesin, “criticize the food or say, ‘This is badly cooked or too salted.’ Attend to your own plate and not to that of others. Do not mix together on your plate all sorts of viands, meat and eggs. It may disgust your neighbor. Do not eat coarsely or vulgarly, and if you have to share your bread with anyone cut it neatly if you do not wish to be ill bred. Do not soak your bread in your wine, for,” says the friar, “if any one should dine with me and thus fish up his victuals I should not like it.”

“If with ladies, carve first for them - to them the men should do honor. Always remember if a friend be dining with one to help him to the choicest parts. Do not” -and how very thoughtful and sensible this advice- “do not, however, press your friend too warmly to eat or drink, but receive him well and give him good cheer. When dining with any great man, cease eating while he is drinking, and do not drink at the same time as he. When sitting next a bishop, do not drink till he drinks nor rise till he rises.” – San Jose Herald, 1895

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia