Etiquette is Not Antiquated

 Behaving Well is Not an Antiquated Idea

Showing up in a polite, positive, or good way means that you are behaving well. Adults enjoy seeing children who mind their manners; children form etiquette-ful habits and behaviors from the example of adults; and everyone appreciates the kindnesses shown by others. 

Yet, as an etiquette instructor, I hear comments about how etiquette skills are antiquated in modern society.  Ironically, this perception only holds when people, and those around them, are behaving well. 

Tradition

Custom may inform us on how to govern, manage or conduct ourselves, and it’s wise to observe the local circumstances and try our best to adjust behaviors accordingly. Only individuals, however, can conduct or comport themselves.

Conducting oneself responsibly is the crown on considering oneself grown-up.  How good it feels when someone recognizes you for not only being appropriate, but going a step further in kindness, and consideration for the feelings of another.

Longstanding language expressions call us to serve our better selves: 

• Act politely
• Mind your manners
• Make good choices
• Mind your p’s and q’s
• Play fair
• Observe the rules
• Tow the line
• Keep the peace
• Act reasonably
• Do the right thing
• Be nice and kind
• Be on your best behavior
• Observe the Golden Rule
• Act with decorum

These reminders have been heard throughout our lives on various occasions. Not only are they traditional phrases, they are instructions for behaving well.

Behaving Well Encourages Positivity

In the 18th century, Adam Smith claimed that agreeable manners inflame our natural love of virtue and increase our tolerance of imperfection.  They often correct or ascertain our natural sentiments with regard to the propriety of conduct. Suggesting many nice and delicate intentions, they shape us to a more exact justness of behavior—without which instruction we would have been at a loss to think of.

The above list of reminders, and the fact that we hear or say them often, offers clues to the difficulties of acting on them.  It also prompts us that another person may be struggling with their own good behavior, calling us to patience and compassion as they choose to act with propriety and kindness.

Though a person who has been reminded that he needs to behave more suitably may feel that the idea is antiquated and instead retorts, “Whatever,” humans might have long understood, the building of mental strength is about self-regulating emotions, managing thought expression, and aiming for the positive, despite circumstances.  

Behaving well, or acting in a manner of kindness, courtesy and respect, flies under the radar of noticeable actions.  Why? Because it is assumed that everyone aims for good rapport and harmony with each other in every circumstance.  As long as this is the norm, conducting oneself properly will never become an antiquated idea.

 Contributor Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

New Year’s Etiquette in Japan

Holidays – Parliament Day in Japan

“At the recent election for the House of Peers held under the newly adopted Japanese Constitution, forty-four members were returned – twenty-two, were farmers, fifteen were merchants, and only one a noble. When it is remembered that until recently Japan has been con- trolled by the nobility with their feudal ideas, the reaction of the present day will bring to pass great and wholesome changes. It is to be hoped the spirit of modern improvement will now animate the Japanese.” – 

From the back of this card. This collector card and others like it, were packed in Duke's Cigarette’s packages, from the Gilded Age to the early 1900’s

Holiday Etiquette in Japan:

How the Jovial Japanese Make Life Merry and Happy

Mrs. H. H. Thompson, writing in “The Cosmopolitan” of the holidays of the Japanese, says New Year’s day is not altogether a holiday. The national idea of justice is shown by the law requiring all debts to be adjusted at the beginning of the year. Therefore, no one gives himself up to unrestrained enjoyment of this day until his accounts are satisfactorily arranged.

On this day, for which we had been impatiently waiting, we prepared to go everywhere and see everything. Festive preparations had been going on for many days, such as thoroughly renovating and cleaning houses, planting evergreen and bamboo branches along the street and on either side of the vestibules or doorways. The bakeries were teeming with delicacies. Professional rice-pounders, with their immense mortars and pestles, were hurrying from house to house. Flowers and ornamental shrubs of exquisite varieties were sold on every street, and shops displayed their daintiest wares and toys.

An interesting custom prevails in preparing the home feast to provide a liberal supply of food for the poorer neighbor. Each house, too, must be decorated, which is not a difficult task in this ever-blooming land. Every house and street was brilliantly illuminated for the inauguration of the new year; in fact, the entire city, bay and adjoining country presented a brilliancy that we never saw equaled. During the morning a Sabbath-like stillness prevails while accounts are being adjusted. Indeed, it has been said that New Year's day is the only Sabbath of Japan. After that all is astir; every one in festive garments and with smiling face exchanging polite greetings.

The Japanese are well trained in the laws of good breeding, and, in their several grades, seldom offend the rules of etiquette. According to these rules, a joyous freedom is extended to everyone on this day of days. Various styles of reception cards are carried through the streets on elegant lacquered trays by obsequious servants. It is the custom of Japanese merchants to send as gifts to the families of their customers beautiful fans and toys of exquisite designs.

One of the most popular amusements of its day is masquerades, in which parents, children and servants delight in puzzling one another by personifying various families of rank. Here there are fathers, with the big and little boys, who are intent upon the use of the top, with which they are very expert, while groups of pretty girls and young women play merrily with battledore and shuttle-cock. 

At one time we were mystified by sweet, musical sounds in the air, resembling those proceeding from an aeolian harp, and discovered that these came from a great number of kites flying over the city. Our Japanese teacher and interpreter explained this mystery by showing us a strip of the bamboo stretched across the frame of the kite.

Banquets are spread in the streets for the police, and for the benefit of those that prefer this repast to the more private dinner at home. Buckets, barrels and porcelain jars are everywhere overflowing with new saki, which everybody drinks, and yet to the credit of these people be it said, there is little drunkenness. Far into the night some religious ceremony is enacted by the head of each household, and by the priests in their public temples, which all evil spirits brooding about on wrong intent are said to exorcise; and thus the day is ended.

The Japanese are determined to enjoy life as they go. All classes may be seen leaving their homes to go on short journeys into the country - where, under the rustic shade of blossoming fruit trees, or in one of the endless tea houses, they may rest, refresh and enjoy themselves. We often observed family groups visiting the suburbs, or temples, or statues on some high hill, with apparently no other object than to view the landscape under a light fall of snow, or to gather some of nature’s treasures to adorn the grottoed wall, or miniature lake in the bit of garden at home, or to amuse the children. - Los Angeles Herald, 1887

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Tobacco Etiquette in Diplomatic Circles

“Bismarck always smoked like Vesuvius until the infirmities of advancing years compelled him to exercise a certain discretion, but even now that he has passed his seventieth birthday he is rarely seen outside of official hours and spaces without a huge porcelain pipe with its stem, a yard long, hanging against his waistcoat.” – Public domain image of Otto Von Bismarck, the German statesman and aristocrat, Bismarck was the Minister President of Prussia, and later, became the first German Chancellor. 

                                             

Great Men and the Tobacco Habit

It is pathetic to remember the helpless writhings of Charles Lamb in the toils of the habit enfolding him like a coil of Medusaen serpents or like the tentacles of a Newfoundland octopus. In his “Confessions of a Drunkard,” he describes the exchange of one thralldom for another, that of the goblet for the pipe, and how at first the latter seemed benign in the comparison, but at last became a scourge of scorpions, leaving him no rest night nor day. Spirits, diaboli, black anthropophagi, hob- gobblins, lemures, continually haunted him; Abaddon vexed and Maher perplexed him; to him, Raleigh, who brought the terrible weed over the seas, was as one who had opened a new Pandora box, fountain of inexhaustible woe to mankind, or as the dark angel who had uncorked the last Apocalyptic vial, loosing the pent up and unend- ing floods of wrath to engulf and overwhelm the world. He would have sympathized with Dr. Talmadge’s denunciation of it and lent him tropes and rhetorical missiles to hurl at it.

Tennyson, according to Carlyle, “floats in and out in a great element of tobacco smoke a wide, breezy, comfortable figure of a man not easy to waken, but great when he is once aroused.” Carlyle’s own pipe went with him to the end. “Doctor,” he said in his later days, when at some health resort he had called in the local Asclepius, “I'll do anything ye say, but ye maun na tak away my pipe be.” When he was usher at Annam he suffered, as he always did, from dyspepsia. He went forty miles to consult a doctor of great local fame, who told him to stop smoking. He stopped several months, but it produced no effect upon his malady, so he took up his abandoned pipe again. “I found,” he said, “that I might as well have poured my woes into the long, hairy, hollow ear of the great jackass I met, as to have ridden forty miles to consult that doctor.”

Bismarck always smoked like Vesuvius until the infirmities of advancing years compelled him to exercise a certain discretion, but even now that he has passed his seventieth birthday he is rarely seen outside of official hours and spaces without a huge porcelain pipe with its stem, a yard long, hanging against his waistcoat. It is plain enough that tobacco has been associated with some of the highest practical speculation and imaginative work which has been done in the world since it was discovered, and if it could be brought face to face with its enemies in some court qualified to sit in judgment on its case it would doubtless have a good deal to say for itself.

Webster hated tobacco, and if his guests at Marshfield wanted to smoke they had to go out to the horseshed. In this way he was almost alone among the public men of his time. Clay chewed; Jackson smoked a corncob pipe, giving audiences while in the White House to all manner of people with that inexpensive calumet (said to be the best pipe going) in his mouth. The Washington of that day, as of some subsequent periods, was paved with spittoons, one President anchoring a gigantic utensil of this description, its crater a yard across, in the middle of his reception room by way of diverting in that direction the noble expectoration rage of his visitors some of whom in the ardor of colloquy spat on the floor, out of the window or perchance fortuitously in the casual neighboring hat. 

Such was the habit of the American patriot of that period, surviving yet in some of his successors. It is a safe bet that when Joe Blackburn called on the President the other day, in the heat of his emotions he executed salivary parabolas worthy of the best days of the Republic, hitting everywhere with a casual disregard of etiquette, cuspidors or precedent. – Brooklyn Eagle, 1885

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

19th C. Persian Smoking Etiquette

Though smoking is still a very popular habit in Iran, formerly Persia, lawmakers there implemented a tobacco smoking law which banned smoking in all outdoor and indoor public places, places of work, and while on public transport.– Public domain image of hookah smoking in Persia

THE WEED IN PERSIA… AN ORIENTAL LAND, SAID TO BE THE SMOKEN'S PARADISE.

The Persian's Social Position Shown by the Number and Value of His Pipes

The Eternal Water Pipe – The Etiquette of Smoking

Persia is the smoker's paradise. In the first place, tobacco is cheap; fourteen pounds of it in the cured leaf cost from three to ten shillings. There is no middleman or manufacturer to mix, chop, scent, flavor and adulterate it. The grower cures it and packs it in bags of skin. In these bags the merchant sells it to the retailer; and then the smoker, pipe in hand, samples the various lots, and purchases from a pennyworth to a bagful, as seemeth to him good. 

There are various kinds of tobacco in Persia: the leaf tobacco, which is smoked in the kalian, for hubble-bubble; the Kurdish tobacco, which is almost white, and consists of the leaves and stalks of the plant coarsely pulverized. This is a very fragrant pipe tobacco, and may be obtained mild or excessively strong, and it is smoked in chibonques or in the Arab short clay pipe. The only recommendations of the Arab pipe are its cheapness and its portability. It is a simple tube of clay about six inches long, with a bore an inch in diameter; it is constructed in the middle, and bent at nearly a right angle. It is essentially the poor man's pipe. Crammed with a Kurdish tobacco, of which it will hold half an ounce, it is passed from hand to band until it is smoked out.

In the north of Persia and in the capital the papiros, or cigarette, is rapidly gaining ground; the commonest Samsoon tobacco is used as a rule, or a very similar article grown in Ghilan and rather superior to it. But the real national pipe of Persia is the kalian. Among the merchant and tradesman class the kalian is over between the lips. The peripatetic vender of smoke is seen in Persia in every place where men congregate for business or pleasure. Even at executions the criminal will ask for and receive a farewell whiff of the eternal water pipe before he is blown from a gun. I have seen a man undergoing the long agonies of crucifixion seeking solace in the kalian.

THE PERSIAN AND HIS PIPES

The social position of the Persian is shown by the number and the value of his pipes. The pipebearer to a great man is a highly paid domestic, who may have in his care from fifty to a hundred pipes, varying in value from £5 to £500. The pipes of the King and of the Royal Princes are often made entirely of gold incrusted with a profusion of gems; the middle and upper classes generally content themselves with kalians whose reservoirs and stems are of solid silver, the bowl only being of gold ornamented with gems or enamels. 

The religious classes mostly affect a kalian of the simplest kind; the water reser voir being a wide mouthed bottle of course porous clay, the stem being composed of curiously turned wood stained a bright crimson, and the bowl made of a black porcelain resembling ebony in appearance. But in the privacy of their own harems, the holy men do not disdain to smoke the costly pipes of their wives; for everybody smokes in Persia - old men and maidens, young men and children - and the old women are the most inveterate smokers of all.

Among the middle classes the water reservoir is often composed of glass, elaborately cut and often decorated with the florid colored and gilt ornamentation which Turkish art has rendered familiar to us. These glass reservoirs, for which there is an enormous market throughout Persia and central Asia, are made in Russia. Rose water is frequently used in place of the vulgar fluid; rose leaves, tiny rosebuds, and the immature fruit of the almond or plum are tossed into it, and as the smoker at each inhalation sets the liquid in violent motion, a pleasant sight is thus offered for his contemplation, much resembling the pretty toys that may be seen in some of the filter shops in London. In the hot weather, a porous clay reservoir is affected by all classes, as it is supposed to cool the water that purifies the fragrant smoke; they will even ice the water. The water is changed every time the pipe is lighted, and is itself not without its uses; for it is an ever handy and never failing emetic – useful thing in a country where poisoning is not infrequent.

ETIQUETTE AND PUNCTILIO

Probably the Persians are the most poetical as well as the most practical people in the world. All through the summer the stems of their pipes are decorated with circles of tiny moss rose buds; or, the interstices having been filled with grass seeds or grains of corn, the pipe is handed to the smoker covered with rows of sprouting verdure an inch and a half long. This decoration of pipes is part of the duty of the pipe bearer or of the ladies of the harem, and the pipe bearer's office is no sinecure. He has several stocks of tobacco of varying quality.

The etiquette and punctilio of pipe smoking are endless. When a visitor is offered a pipe, and there is not a second one, he declines it at once; his host must smoke first. This, if the entertainer be much superior in position, be will actually do, but otherwise ho declines, and the guest, having first offered the pipe to the other visitors, who decline it as a matter of course, proceeds to smoke, and then it is handed round to everybody in order of rank. 

No business in the east can be done without the smoking of many water pipes; it forms a large portion of the enjoyment of the Oriental bath, it fills up the pauses of conversation, and, when a man is at a loss for an answer, it gives him time to think. The very sound of the bubbling water in a hot country is soothing to the ear. That it is not smoked in Europe is probably due to the fact that he who would smoke the Persian water pipe would need to keep a Persian servant to fill it for him. - Foreign Letter, 1887

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Contributor Spotlight on Candace Smith

 

As Etiquipedia’s most prolific contributor, Candace Smith is so valued by us for her contributions to this site, we are delighted to focus on her for our Contributor Spotlight during the month of April 2025.

Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, who for the last dozen years has been teaching university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, Candace discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations and she sought out lessons in etiquette to help her smoothly fit in with everyone – from world leaders to struggling university students.

 

What was the impetus for starting her Etiquette business?

A life-changing event was the impetus for Candace Smith’s interest in teaching and writing about etiquette. When her husband was awarded a Nobel prize in 2002, Candace found herself traveling the world with him and dining at some very formal social gatherings. In the years that followed, she said that she gradually became aware of how uncomfortable she was in many of these social situations.  

Awakening to a long-felt desire to know appropriate social graces that would put her at ease and help her feel ≥confident in social situations, Candace decided to attend etiquette and protocol certification classes, and these kicked off a deep immersion into the study of the importance of etiquette and its practical application to many of the problems of life. 

By 2012, after her first classes in etiquette and protocol course work, Candace and her husband attended a formal event in Scotland. The experience was like night and day from the others, she says. She noted a markedly increased comfort level in dining and socializing skills and she truly enjoyed the occasion. It was her confirmation that a knowledge and training in social skills do matter. She realized then and there that she had a desire to help others gain the confidence and poise so vital to feeling comfortable in not only social, but professional, settings. 

Published weekly, her Etiquette Blog now features over 475 etiquette articles. They are filled with straightforward considerations and solutions aimed to address social and workplace challenges of not only daily, but professional life. We are thrilled and thankful that she allows Etiquipedia to repost so many of them.

 

Below are links to a small amount of Candace Smith’s popular articles on etiquette which you’ll find on Etiquipedia:

• Etiquette and Adam Smith
• The Art of Modern Introductions
• Respect and Etiquette
• Etiquette and Confidentiality
• Etiquette and Self-Awareness
• Defining “Modern Manners”
• Etiquette and Control
• Etiquette and Modesty
• Confusing Etiquette with “Outclassing” Others
• Etiquette and the Grief of Others
• Elements of Great First Impressions

What do you enjoy teaching the most regarding Etiquette?

What is often thrilling is that participants in my hands-on seminars report being very pleased that their comfort and confidence levels have increased in such a short time. Fears are reduced through their new knowledge. I enjoy thinking of my projects and services as public goods.

What do you find rewarding about teaching Etiquette?

I am always learning, too. Questions posed to me, or that come to mind and the need to research them, lead me on to new appreciations. The concept of civility, which interrelates with etiquette and fine manners has grown in mind and practice. It is through my engagement with others that spur ideas for my blog articles. I am writing a book, “Etiquette in the Business of Life Day by Day,” that I hope will offer inspiration each day by engaging readers in civility appreciation through practicing etiquette a little each day. 

What age group do you enjoy working with most? And why?

I enjoy adult groups as they aren’t forced into taking the class or in need of being persuaded.

Who are some of the older etiquette authors or authorities you enjoy reading?

Letitia Baldrige, Judith Martin, Amy Vanderbilt, – Candace’s favorite quote of Amy’s is, “I am a journalist in the field of etiquette.” And Emily Post.

If you would like to reach Candace, you can get in touch with her through her website, Candace Smith Etiquette. Her book, Etiquette in the Business of Living, Day by Day was published in February of this year. It is available on Google Books.

🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Running a Tea Room

If the tea room be located in one of the popular and fashionable shopping or amusement districts, it must be accessible, that is, if it is on the top floor, it must be reached conveniently and easily by an elevator. If there is no elevator, then no matter what the location may be it should not be above the second floor. The rental of such a place is usually considerable and is the principal item of expense. The furnishings need not be expensive, but they must be neat and attractive.

TEA ROOMS AND RESTAURANTS

Tea Rooms-Catering-Fairs and Bazaars -Other Avenues

Closely associated with the General Information Bureau is what has come to be known as a tea room.

There are many tea rooms in the shopping and amusement districts of New York City. Women from distant parts of the city or from out of town, wearied by their tramping and shopping, find in these resorts a convenient place for rest and refreshment and also a rendezvous at which they may be assured of meeting their friends by appointment.

The number of these tea rooms has increased greatly and this should be regarded as an evidence of their prosperity. The expense of managing and running a tea room depends largely upon its locality and it should be stated that the locality is a vital matter in the success of the institution.

If the tea room be located in one of the popular and fashionable shopping or amusement districts, it must be accessible, that is, if it is on the top floor, it must be reached conveniently and easily by an elevator. If there is no elevator, then no matter what the location may be it should not be above the second floor. The rental of such a place is usually considerable and is the principal item of expense. The furnishings need not be expensive, but they must be neat and attractive. 

The tables, chairs and rugs should be simple, unobtrusive and an evidence of taste. The china should be of the same character and, of course, it should be china, not a make believe, and the daintier the better. The table cover and napkins should be of good material. Spoons, knives and forks if such are required, should be genuine, or if imitation, they should be so nearly like the original that only an expert could detect the difference. The tea itself, with the cream and sugar, must be of the very best quality and served in the daintiest manner possible.

Some of these tea rooms might be called restaurants, for the owners are prepared to serve the tea which gives the place its name, sandwiches to accompany the tea, and also fruits in season, ice creams, and cold drinks flavored with fruit syrups; but all this the manager of the tea room will arrange for herself, when she has learned the character of her patrons.

Another thing to be considered is the personality of the owner of the establishment. It goes without saying that she must be a lady. We do not mean to use this term in its ordinary significance, for every good woman is a lady. Just here, however, it may be well to say that the word “lady” did not originally mean a high-born person or an aristocrat, but “one who supplied bread,” and, in this connection, it is entirely applicable to the keeper of a tea room. 

This apart, she should be a woman of education, tact, warm sympathies and personal magnetism. Quite as much upon these qualifications, which go towards making the character of a true lady, will depend success as upon the tea served or the manner of serving it.

If the proprietor of the tea room be invited to talk, and she usually is, her conversation should never be about herself. Her private affairs should be kept strictly private and all her talk should be about her guests or on subjects of general interest to them.

It is surprising how many failures have come to women, otherwise entirely competent, simply because they persisted in talking about themselves. Such talk usually deals with their former position of opulence, their families, their education and the disaster that brought them to their present position of dependence.

It is unnecessary to say that a woman, no matter what her education, birth, or refinements, who talks this way, degrades herself by degrading her position, for, as we have said before, it is not the work but the worker that makes a position honorable.

The proprietor of a tea room, and the same may be said of the proprietor of any store or work that brings the owner into contact with many customers, will do well to keep herself in the back-ground. This does not imply that if the curious or interested should ask as to her antecedents, she should not answer respectfully and satisfactorily, but it does mean that she shall not introduce her private affairs to people who are not even friends, but customers and transient visitors. 

No matter how patiently people may listen to the story of our misfortunes or blasted aspirations; no matter how they may pretend to sympathize, as a matter of fact, they will leave with a feeling that they have been bored and a resolve that they will not submit themselves to such boredom again. A very wise French philosopher said that: “A bore is a person who persists in talking about himself when we wish to talk about ourselves.” —From Helpful Talks With Girls, 1910

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette for Boarding House Tables

Women do not require napkins as frequently as men, particularly where the men have moustaches. But in any event the napkins should be examined with care and none should be permitted to be brought to the table that is in any way soiled, even if it be used but once.

Cleanliness, of course, should be the first consideration in regard to the table. If you are charging your boarder — and we are assuming that the establishment is for the average wage-worker — from $6 to $8 a week, you cannot give them such choice of food as they would have at a first-class hotel. There may or may not be soup for dinner. There is sure to be some kind of meat, and a few vegetables, as a mainstay, and dessert, with tea and coffee on which to finish. No matter how well these things are cooked, if they are not well served, they will not be enjoyed by the ordinary man and woman of refinement. 

The table cloth should always be clean, as should the napkins which are served to each guest. Of course, it is not required that each guest should have a clean napkin for every meal as at a hotel; here each should have an individual napkin ring, and this article may serve for one or two days, depending altogether upon the person. Women do not require napkins as frequently as men, particularly where the men have moustaches. But in any event the napkins should be examined with care and none should be permitted to be brought to the table that is in any way soiled, even if it be used but once.

One of the most successful boarding-house keepers, in a small way, that we have met, is very careful about her table linen, In addition to this, she has always in the center of the main table, and on some of the smaller ones, a bouquet of flowers. These flowers are not artificial, nor are they the best that can be purchased at the florist's. As a rule, they are good, homely garden flowers, bright and pleasant to the eye. They not only decorate the table, but they also have an influence upon the boarders, a refining influence that tends to give the table a homelike appearance, and to recall the past when a mother presided at the board. — From Helpful Talks with Girls, 1910

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wearing Gloves While Drinking Tea

Note: Etiquipedia does not condone the following advice regarding the vulgar and pretentious behavior described while taking tea, and this is the first time in decades of research when she has seen the subject so flippantly been advised upon! – “In taking tea a lady may retain her gloves or not, exactly as she chooses. Many buttoned gloves are a nuisance to take off and put on again, and many ladies shirk the trouble. On the other band, fastidious people dislike greasing or soiling a glove which they must continue to wear in that unsightly condition till the end of the entertainment and prefer to remove the glove before eating rich cake or bread and butter.” Oh puhleez!

Points That Make an Afternoon “At Home” Agreeable Guests and Hostess

Introductions at “At homes” must vary according to the tact and judgment of the hostess. They are never general, but if she sees two strangers standing next each other, with no acquaintance near to speak to, she should, as a general rule, make them known to each other in an informal way. She must exercise judgment, however, for the neighbors of a moment may be permanent foes. 

Nothing may be further from the desire of either than a mutual acquaintance. In such a case the hostess, in making them known to each other, has conferred anything but a favor upon either friend. People who are acquaint1ed with each other naturally converse on these occasions, and gentlemen offer to escort ladies to the tearoom without waiting for any prompting from their hostess.

Ladies move about from place to place and from one room to another, speaking to their friends. There is no formality about the entertainment, and a hostess is grateful to those of her guests who help the afternoon to go off well and amuse everybody. 

The hostess’ own hands and those of her daughters are generally so full, if it is at all a large gathering, with trying to entertain people and distribute notice impartially among all that she is delighted if her guests will relieve her of some part of her burden and not stand or sit like marble statues or like bored specimens of humanity, which is even more annoying.

In taking tea a lady may retain her gloves or not, exactly as she chooses. Many buttoned gloves are a nuisance to take off and put on again, and many ladies shirk the trouble. On the other band, fastidious people dislike greasing or soiling a glove which they must continue to wear in that unsightly condition till the end of the entertainment and prefer to remove the glove before eating rich cake or bread and butter.

People stand or sit about the room, their cups or ice plates in their hands. It is better not to remain too close to the table or buffet, as by so doing other guests are prevented from approaching, and the space becomes inconveniently crowded. As soon as the guests have finished their refreshments they should return from the tearoom to the drawing room and give place to others who may wish to follow. – The Expositor, 1896

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Chinese Etiquette at Home, 1901

“What is considered vulgar in England is considered polite in China, for during the meal the guest must smack her lips to show the meal is appreciated… The older she is the more admirable will she appear in the eyes of her hostess, for youth in China does not gain much respect.” –Photo of a Chinese Dragon at a 4th of July Parade in Marysville, California, 1910 – Image source Etiquipedia private library

VISITING IN CHINA:

CEREMONIALS THAT ARE PROPER ON SUCH OCCASIONS

The Duties of Hostess and Guests Are Intricate, and the Etiquette Smacks of Hypocrisy-The Houses and Their Furnishings

All Chinese houses are hidden from passersby in the street by high, blank walls, while on each side of the entrance are the stables and the apartments set apart for the gatekeeper and other servants. In China, the mule takes the place of the horse, and near the door of the courtyard a well groomed, well fed mule will generally be found hitched to an iron ring in the wall, this being the animal which the master either rides or harnesses to his cart. 

When a visitor is expected after accepting an invitation, if the hostess and her daughter-in-law are not in waiting to receive the guests, there are sure to be half a dozen women servants, while the family will be in waiting in the court beyond. They will be dressed in their finest apparel, rich silks, magnificently embroidered, with the hair elaborately dressed and adorned with jewels, and bearing rich silver and gilt fans, also much decked with jewels. 

On entering, the guest addresses the mother-in-law first and afterward the other ladies. The visitor, if a woman, is welcomed in the Chinese fashion - by placing one closed hand upon the other and moving it up and down. If the children have been brought out for inspection, as is very generally the case, they will be drawn up in line and will greet the visitor with a pretty and graceful courtesy.

As a rule, Chinese children will be found extremely pleasing and attractive, their quaint and fascinating little dresses, jackets and trousers, which suit their dark skins and bright eyes so admirably, lending much to the general, happy effect. A Chinese household is a community in which the parents are the head, over which the mother rules with a rod of iron. 

Each son must bring his wife to his mother's house on his marriage, and he must there remain with his growing family. Until she is fortunate enough to give birth to a son the position of the daughter-in-law is very much like that of an upper servant, her life being frequently one of the greatest misery. 

The best rooms of the houses face the south, and these are occupied by the mother-in-law, she having usually a suite of apartments, with reception, dining and bed rooms, which are separated by handsomely carved screens. The flooring is of brick or stone and uncovered, this being even the case in the Emperor's palaces. What is more, it is seldom clean and is made the repository for all sorts of rubbish, being carefully swept, however, when a visitor is expected.

In the reception room of a well to do Chinese house a handsome table is usually found placed against the wall opposite the door, with a chair on each side, while around are cabinets filled with bronze and porcelain. In the bedroom a k'aug, or “oven bed”, occupies more than half the space, and on this bed the Chinese woman spends more than half her existence, sewing, eating and gossiping thereon, and at each end of this bedstead are carved wardrobes. 

The dining room is separated from the reception room by a solid wall and not by screens, as in the other apartments, while it must be reached by going out of doors, although it is under the same roof. The furniture consists of a high. square table, with two or more polished and none too comfortable looking chairs, side tables for the serving of the many dishes which go to form the meal, and upon the wall inscriptions in Chinese characters.

On the threshold the hostess steps on one side and entreats her guest to enter, which the latter, to be polite, must strenuously refuse, requesting her hostess to precede her. This little bit of Chinese etiquette can be prolonged for some time, when of course the guest enters first, as was originally intended. She is then conducted to the place of honor, this being the chair at the right of the table, which she must at first refuse, repeating the previous meaningless performance, ending by occupying the place. 

Pipes are then brought in, but if the visitor is a foreigner and does not smoke, the hostess foregoes her accustomed puff. Presently tea is brought in, clear as amber, flavored with flowers and served without sugar or cream. With it are served delicate small cakes, sweetmeats, candied fruits, red fruit marmalade pressed into small squares and walnuts browned in hot oil and dipped in sirup. 

What is considered vulgar in England is considered polite in China, for during the meal the guest must smack her lips to show the meal is appreciated. Very few are educated, the great majority being able to neither write nor read. Probably first of all the guest will be asked her age, for the Chinese ask the most pointed and personal questions. The older she is the more admirable will she appear in the eyes of her hostess, for youth in China does not gain much respect. 

The hostess will then want to know if her parents are living, how many brothers and sisters she has, and from these inquiries will pass on to dress, any peculiarities in the visitor's toilet being carefully noted, and the jewelry, lace and ribbons are religiously examined and admired, all that the visitor possesses being extravagantly praised and the belongings of the hostess correspondingly depreciated. 

At the close of the visit the latter will insist upon accompanying her visitor to the outer court, which of course she must be implored not to do, but which she does in the end, all the same, finally shaking hands Chinese fashion, after which the visitor enters her cart and drives away. – London Household Words, 1901

  

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Hat Etiquette for Swedish Men of 1897

Hats, from the late 19th century to the mid 20th century, were an essential part of men’s wardrobes from all walks of life. Hats could range from the very practical, as in protection from the elements…  to the more decorative, worn for dress and showing off one’s sartorial style.

Etiquette in Sweden

In Sweden if you address the poorest person on the street you must lift your hat. The same courtesy is insisted upon if you pass a lady on the stairway. To enter a reading room or a bank with one's hat on is regarded as impolite. — Chico Record, 1897

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Ruling Etiquette at the Petit Trianon

In order to give the reader a more adequate idea of the beautiful surroundings of the pretty little palace of the “Petit Trianon” one must go back to the magnificence of Versailles, trace it down from the time of Louis XIV through the restored Bourbons in their endeavors to replace the vestiges of ancient royalty…

The Petit Trianon

The Favorite Resort of 

Queen Marie Antoinette of France

In order to give the reader a more adequate idea of the beautiful surroundings of the pretty little palace of the “Petit Trianon” one must go back to the magnificence of Versailles, trace it down from the time of Louis XIV through the restored Bourbons in their endeavors to replace the vestiges of ancient royalty; Napoleon, in the plenitude of his power; Louis Philippe in his restoration and augmentation of the material glories of Versailles; Napoleon III in his attempts to enact the part of a “Grand Monarque”; the translation of the Palace of Versailles into the “Musee Historique”; the gardens and the park; the Orangerie; Parterre d’Eau; Basin of the Pyramids; Baths of Diana; Basin de Neptune; Basin de Dragon; the Tapis Vert with its Basin d’Apollon; the Labyrinth; Bosquet de la Reine the Grand Trianon.

The Grand Trianon is simply an elaboration of the Trianon of Porcelain. It is the chateau made famous by being the place where the trial of Marshal Bazaine took place in 1873. To its left is the pretty palace of the “Petit Trianon.” It is a handsome edifice, of a smiling aspect, quite small, and more like a gentleman’s country residence than a royal palace. Louis XV built it to please Mme. DuBarry, and often went there to forget the annoyances of that royalty of France which was so heavy when was idle. In the dining-room it more than once happened that Louis XV, urged to it by the vivacity of the discourse, was obliged to strike upon the table, saying, “The King, gentlemen.” Suddenly, each one would return to the attitude of respect.

Another time, in a moment of good humor, Louis XV gave a box on the ear to M. de Richelieu, who was seated at his right hand. He was certainly in a delicate position. What should he do? How should he behave? How prevent himself from being vexed and looking red? And, on the other hand, how receive such an affront without complaining? M. de Richelieu recovered from his astonishment and gave the blow to his next neighbor, saying, “The King wishes it to pass around!” The blow passed, but we have yet to understand how the gentleman who was seated on the King’s left hand extricated himself from the difficulty.

Louis XV gave the Petit Trianon to Marie Antoinette, and it became her favorite residence. To this turf, which she pressed with so light a step, the Queen of France came to forget the ennui and etiquette of royal majesty. Once at the Petit Trainon, the lovely Queen felt more happy. All her diadem was the flowers of her garden; she held, with a joyous hand, the light crook; in her Swiss dairy, which is still standing on the banks of a little brook, she herself prepared – with such delightful awkwardness – the milk of her cows! Poor Queen! How much she must afterward have regretted the sun, the waters, the flowers, the cream, and the strawberries, the sheep and the heifers of the Petit Trianon. – The San Francisco Call, 1891

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

When British Society Turned East

“Japanese guests are essential. Smart young bachelors, from the east say, with a slow oriental smile of gratification, that they are in such continual request that they have hardly one evening a month, to spare for their clubs.”

English Japanese Fad…

British Functions Are Now À la Tokio

LONDON, Dec. 17. —Japan's latest victory is the capture of London's society. During the present winter no function can lay claim to being really smart unless it is embellished with things Japanese.

Japanese guests are essential. Smart young bachelors, from the east say, with a slow oriental smile of gratification, that they are in such continual request that they have hardly one evening a month, to spare for their clubs.

Hostesses do not undertake the giving of a Japanese dinner lightly. Often many hours have to be spent with the smart young bachelors, discussing the latest dishes and studying Japanese table etiquette. Each guest sits at a separate “ozen” or table. 

The following is a typical menu:

Simmono

Sashimi

Yakizakana

Umani

Sunornono

Kuchitori

Mushimono or Chawanmushi

Shiru

Kanomono

Chawan

Ocha

Appended is a brief explanation of the dishes:

• Simmono- Soup, made from fish, meat and vegetables, served in covered china bowl.
• Sashimi-Fish cut in pieces of about an inch square and served with vegetables and Japanese sauce. 
• Yakisakana- Roast fish served on porcelain plate. Umani-Chopped chicken or beef, with vegetables, served in small bowl.
• Sunomono- Salad, consisting of small pieces of pickled fish and minced vegetables, served in small dish.
• Kuchitori- Chief dish, consisting of poultry, kintou (nuts, cooked potatoes and sugar) and kamaboke (specially prepared rice).
• Mushimono- Mixture of chicken, eggs. and vegetables, cooked with soup. (These are placed fresh into a bowl and cooked by steam.)
• Shiru-Soup made from peas and wheat, served in lacquered bowl, when simmono is finished.
• Kanomono-Pickled vegetables.
• Chawan- Boiled rice.
• Ocha-Tea served during and after dinner.

Each guest is provided with paper serviettes and a pair of chopsticks. There are no spoons. — Special Cable to The Herald, 1904

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Good Breeding in Hair Fashions

The woman who is about to make a radical change in the style of dressing her hair should bear in mind that her coiffure betrays good sense, good taste and good breeding – or the reverse. Before giving final instructions to the hair dresser, or her maid, she should diligently consider her years, the shape of her face and the prevailing modes in coiffures, in exactly the order named. – From left to right: Grand-Mother’s Comb, Rose Garniture of Ribbons, Choux of White Tulle, Langtry Knot and Ribbon Garniture, Ribbon Choux and Tea Rose Buds

Hair Dressing Index… Good Sense, Good Taste and Good Breeding

IN NO way does the average American woman show more clearly that she is an extremist than in the blind manner in which she follows the decrees of Madame La Mode.

Madame La Mode lays down general rules. The feminine world applies them individually. Madame La Mode says that the pompadour is the thing, and straightway her idolatrous followers of twenty or twenty-five years of age, whom social duties have aged a bit, achieve a pompadour and look like grande dames, when they should still possess many of the gentle characteristics of the young girl.

Now that Madame La Mode has announced her preference for hair dressed low on the neck, with “sweetly girlish” coiffure garnitures, the woman of fifty, who should look the grande dame, appears in public with the girlish knot at the nape of her neck, and ribbon violets trailing amid locks where touches of gray begin to show.

The woman who is about to make a radical change in the style of dressing her hair should bear in mind that her coiffure betrays good sense, good taste and good breeding – or the reverse. Before giving final instructions to the hair dresser, or her maid, she should diligently consider her years, the shape of her face and the prevailing modes in coiffures, in exactly the order named.

No young girl should make the contour of her face harder by dressing her hair severely, and no middle-aged woman should imagine that girlish hair dressing will remove the finger-marks of time. Both should study the happy medium, not the extremes. 

The extreme pompadour is doomed, for which let us be properly grateful; but this is no sign that the soft, loosely arranged pompadour, so becoming to the long, oval face, should be eschewed by the woman in the flush of maturity. The latest style dictates that the pompadour extends full over the ears, giving the face a rounder look. 

The hair is no longer brushed slick and tight, but is softly waved in three large waves, which encircle the head. This coiffure, known in the sixties as Le Grande Dame, is extremely becoming to the elderly woman with silvery or white hair. The waves may be kept in place by side and back combs of tortoise or encircle the head.

The Langtry knot is once more enjoying a vogue. This involves the parting of the hair above the forehead, back, to the crown, of the head, and softly, waving it on either side. The hair is then combed straight back, twisted firmly and coiled into three knots. The center knot comes directly on the nape of the neck, and the lower one should not extend more than half an inch below the bottom of the collar.

For horseback riding, and even for walking, some women, who aim to copy their smart English sisters, use the net for keeping the knot in place, but the average American woman does not consider the hair net a chic accessory. 

For evening wear, young girls adopt a compromise. The hair in the front is made into a soft, waved pompadour, and in the back it is knotted à la Langtry. This involves much care in smoothing the hair between pompadour and knot, and in the arrangement of the garnitures and ornaments. 

Garlands, wreaths of flowers made from satin and liberty silk, daintiest of artificial blooms, maiden-hair ferns, and knots of soft ribhon or tulle are appropriate for young girls. Even in the selection of flowers for dressing the hair a woman considers her age. A young girl should have forget-me- nots, tiny rose buds, almond blossoms.

A middle-aged woman will find the exquisite tints of the orchid particularly suited to her coiffure. The best-dressed, women of middle age avoid hair ornaments, such rhinestone, pearl or turquoise stud: combs and clasps on the street simplest of tortoise side and back combs are preferred. 

For evening or house wear, a beautiful style of dressing the hair necessitates the use of the enormous tortoise-shell combs, which have been packed in attics since grandmother’s days. The pompadour is parted in the center, to show the gleaming tortoise shell above it and no flowers should worn with this style of comb. The woman of thirty-five or forty will find the gauzy floral arrangement youthful in their effects, yet giving dignity to her carriage. – San Diego Union and Daily Bee, 1904

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Diplomatic Decision in 17981

G.W. Parke Custis was the grandson of Martha Washington, First Lady and wife of President George Washington. His father John was the stepson of George Washington. – Public domain image of G. W. Parke Custis from the National Portrait Library

G. Washington, Marechal de France…

An interesting bit of history was told me lately by a descendant of G. W. Parke Custis. It seems that when, in 1781, the United States sent to France a special Embassador some difficulty arose between him and the French government as to the command of the combined armies.

Colonel Laurens, the Embassador, stated very firmly that George Washington, our chief, must command, “for it is our cause, and the battle on our soil.” The etiquette of the foreign government, however, exclaimed: “C'est impossible!” for here was Count Rochambeau, an old lieutenant general, who could only be commanded by the King in person or a Marechal de France.

The American wit of Colonel Laureus flashed upon the situation a happy thought. He said: “Make our Washington a Marechal de France and the difficulty is at an end.” It was done. Mr. Custis continues that a friend of his heard General Washington spoken of as Monsieur le Marechal at the siege of Yorktown.

I have heard that in some southern home there is a treasure, held beyond price - even the antiquity hunter's price, and he who aspires to buy the bones of his ancestors - an ancient porcelain mug, on which is painted an effigy of of Washington on horseback, and underneath is this inscription: “George Washington, Esq.. General in Chief of the United States Army and Marshal of France.”- Wide Awake, 1892

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

A Visit with the Khedive’s Wives

Khedive was the title of the viceroy of Egypt under Turkish rule 1867–1914. — Public domain image of Ismāíl Pasha, Khedive in 1892
 

A Notable Visit

As a special privilege we were allowed to visit the three Princesses, wives of the Khedive. We had been admonished to wear our best clothes, and if possible to avoid black, as the Egyptians are very superstitious about visits from people wearing that hue. Fortunately, we could overcome that objection. We were also told to wear all our jewelry, which was not a very laborious thing to do. So we went, and a row of black eunuchs stood before the door of the palace. Two of them helped us to alight. Having crossed the threshold we found ourselves in a little world of women, where one man has only the right to come. 

Here cigarettes were brought us, which etiquette required us to accept. A whiff or two quite satisfied our entertainers. We were presently introduced into the presence of the three wives, of whom the third one, also much the youngest and prettiest, spoke French tolerably. After shaking hands with each in turn we were invited to take seats, and chibouks were brought us, whose length reached from our mouths to the carpet. I was obliged to take one puff of the tobacco, which caused me to cough with some violence. Then we had coffee brought in porcelain cups, the stand for each cup being richly set with diamonds. Then, with profound courtesy, we took our leave. 

In the great hall below, several attendants brought us beautiful bowls of porcelain set with diamonds filled with sour-sweet drink, which we were afterward told was sherbet. These women also carried napkins with golden fringes. Then our carriage was brought to the door. The eunuchs helped us to get into it, our “dais” or footman ran on before, and we drove away. – Placer Argus, 1879

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia