Etiquette Tips for Conversation

True culture carries with it an atmosphere of breadth - the world and not the village. A woman lacking it was said to betray by her conversation a mind of narrow compass- “bounded on the north by her servants, on the east by her children, on the south by her ailments, and on the west by her clothes!” Someone has said that the three “d's” are not discussed in polite society - dress, domestics and diseases.

AS conversation bears so important a part in social intercourse that some attempt toward it is made whenever we meet our fellows, it is strange that we are not all more proficient. It has been suggested that we have reason to be grateful that we have a few conversational formulae, to be used under certain circumstances, such as “How do you do?” “Good-by," “Thank you,” “You are very kind,” “I should be delighted.” Fancy the mental strain, if, Instead of these, we had to invent some new combination of words to suit each occasion.

The charm of agreeable conversation is appreciated by all, while its cultivation is within the reach of each, and we may be our own tutors. Nothing so quickly opens hospitable doors, and in its influence it may be an evangel.

Some of the Essentials of Good Conversation

One of its essentials is a well-modulated voice, which always seems a distinguishing mark of gentlehood. Much has been said about our high-pitched voices, but it will bear reiteration, since it is in our power to change them. All feel the charm of the softly musical voices of Englishwomen. They are like some sweet-toned bell, while a few among us recall the "ear-piercing fife." A gentleman, upon escaping from the infliction of such a one, quoted to his friend, "And silence like a poultice comes To heal the blows of sound!"

We should aim, too, to speak our language in its purity -“English undefiled” - and with clear, clean-cut enunciation. There is a cosmopolitan language spoken among educated people everywhere- “their speech betrayeth them.” By it we judge their culture, their refinement, their social position. Provincialism and slang are not less a revelation of the absence of these advantages. 

The subject suggests Coleridge’s well-known story of the stranger at a dinner who passed for a dignified and worthy personage until his pleasure at the excellence of the dumplings caused him to break the silence that had won him the reputation of wisdom by exclaiming, “Them’s the jockeys for me!” No matter what his moral character, whether saint or hero, his mental caliber, his rusticity of breeding, stood confessed. In cases less extreme the influence would be as conclusive. None should be able to tell by accent or intonation from what part of the country we come.

The French know their language so thoroughly that they use it with the precision and sensitiveness with which a cultivated musician plays upon his instrument. English is more comprehensive, and, well selected, it can fitly express any mood and meet every requirement, but few of us know its resources and have them at command.

Charm in Conversation

Entertaining conversation is not alone dependent upon a well-stored mind, a ready wit or broad culture. It lays under contribution qualities of heart as well as head, and should reveal sincerity, sympathy and simplicity. We must feel an interest in our subject before we can inspire it in others, and enthusiasm is contagious when it is sincere. It gives animation to the face, vivacity to the manner and has a thought-compelling power that adds fluency of expression. 

This and the gushing exuberance that speaks only in superlatives are “many miles asunder.” Sympathy and adaptability are created in a measure by the desire to please; but one must be sensitive to the mood of one’s audience, and quick to perceive when someone else wishes to speak. There are talkers who, metaphorically, take the bit between their teeth and run away with the subject. When they finally cease, no one has anything to say, despairing of opportunity. Unselfishness lies at the root of sympathy.

Subjects of Conversation

The subjects of interesting conversation are, of course, multiplied by increased knowledge of books, of the world of men and women, music, art and travel. One should be familiar with the current news of the day and the topics occupying public attention, with the names and authors of the new books, and be able to say something worth hearing about what one has read and heard. Many get no farther in speaking of a book than that it is dull or interesting. Others give in few words what seem to be its central ideas, its characteristics, the time and scene of its action, quoting perhaps some sentiment that has impressed or witticism that has pleased.

One's conversation may become the center around which one’s reading and information are grouped. The habit of memorizing with a definite aim in view, and the consciousness of having something to say, give a sense of power. Practice arouses and strengthens the habit of ready selection and quick and apt application.

True culture carries with it an atmosphere of breadth - the world and not the village. A woman lacking it was said to betray by her conversation a mind of narrow compass - “bounded on the north by her servants, on the east by her children, on the south by her ailments, and on the west by her clothes!” Someone has said that the three “d's” are not discussed in polite society - dress, domestics and diseases.

The mind grows shallow when perpetually occupied with trivialities. A course of solid reading is a good tonic. When ignorant of our ignorance, we do not know when we betray ourselves. It is better to be frankly dull than pedantic. Not exhibition but service is imposed by superior talent or advantages.

Some persons give an opinion as though their verdict were absolute and final. Dogmatism has been defined as “puppyism come to maturity.” Others hold forth with oracular vagueness, but convey few ideas, as though they were educated above their intelligence. One must guard one’s self from the temptation of “talking shop,” as the slang of the day expresses it, and of riding one's “hobby.” Our interest is apt to blind us to the lack of it in others. It comes under the reproach of “bad taste,” as does also the retailing of family affairs. 

The sanctity of home life should be guarded by us with a self-respecting reticence. A bore has been described as “one who talks about himself when you want to talk about yourself.” The sarcasm aside, whatever sets one apart as a capital “I” should be avoided. Anecdotes that are supposed to be of interest because connected with ourselves should be reserved for our intimates. Our troubles annoy those whom they do not sadden. 

Let us only pass upon pleasant things. A joke or humorous story is dependent upon its freshness for appreciation; some emotions will not bear “warming over.” A foreign phrase for which there is no exact equivalent in English seems occasionally to give point, finish or adornment to a sentence, but one must be wary of assuming that it is untranslatable. It is bad form to use foreign expressions unless they be idiomatic and pronounced with correct accent.

It is now a well-established and accepted canon of good form that only pleasant things are to be said of any one. An ill-natured criticism is a social blunder as well as a moral one. “Though we speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, it profiteth us nothing” - in good society.

Gossip and Exaggeration

Gossip, too, is really going out of fashion. Any one self-convicted hastens to retract whatever may give the impression that one has indulged in anything so vulgar and plebeian. It has a corrective and an inspiring influence to imagine the persons spoken of to be within hearing.

Exaggeration is misstatement, which is untruthfulness. It often does as much harm as a deliberate lie, and is not as honest. True wit is a gift, not an attainment. Those who use it aright never yield to the temptation of saying anything that can wound another in order to exhibit their own cleverness. It is natural and spontaneous. “Those who run after wit are apt to catch nonsense.” Talk that has heartiness in it and the liveliness and sparkle that come of light-heartedness and innocent gayety is a fairly good substitute for wit.  - Copyright, 1901, by Doubleday, Page & Co., 1901

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia