Old World Duenna Etiquette Points

A Chaperon or “Old World Duenna” – “WHEN a general distribution of halos takes place,” once said a bright woman, "the head of the willing and unsung martyr, known as a chaperon, will be found crowned, too, I am persuaded, among the world's elect.” 

Etiquette: Some Points About Chaperons, Their Use and Abuse

“WHEN a general distribution of halos takes place,” once said a bright woman, "the head of the willing and unsung martyr, known as a chaperon, will be found crowned, too, I am persuaded, among the world's elect.”

Not many of us will be found worthy to wear one of greater radiance, if cheerfulness, an absolute disregard of self, ingenuity in improvising pleasures in which she takes but an observer's part, and an unwearied amiability that keeps her sweet, smiling and wakeful until her young charge has had her fill of pleasure, be any qualification for such a reward. The post is no sinecure, and its duties are often a thankless, unenviable task.

Of course, the natural chaperon of a girl is her own mother, whose interest in all that in any way concerns her child makes the position an easy one and all her labor of love; but one whose presence is imposed to “play propriety” where no such necessity is recognized, naturally feels the embarrassment of being unwelcome. It is therefore but fair that her position should be understood and defined.

The Need of Chaperons

In Europe, and in those parts of America which have felt the influence of Old World customs, the first demand of polished society is that young girls shall be properly chaperoned. It is considered one of, the elegances of life, one of the graces of the best society and an evidence of the tender respect with which young womanhood is regarded; such a formality being held to safeguard it from all chance of evil or the appearance of it.

The world has grown too small, through the closer intercourse of its civilized peoples, for any to escape its inherited traditions and prejudices.

Time was when we were so provincial and inconspicuous that we could make our own social laws, and we were proud of the freedom that could exist between our young women and their men acquaintances, and protested against the duenna system as a reflection upon their trustworthiness.

Strong in their innate sense of propriety, their moral dignity, discretion and modesty, the girls felt quite competent to take care of themselves, and the young men resented the suggestion of a chaperon as an insult to their honor. From their mental attitude, their self-respecting standpoint and the customs of their environment, they were justified, and there are not wanting many yet to hold these opinions.

To such I would say that chaperonage is a representative thing. It typifies the sheltering care, the jealous protection, of something very precious. It sets a higher value upon the object by protecting and hedging it round in the eyes of others, and particularly in those of young men who are apt to sigh for the fruit toat hangs highest.

The Value of a Chaperon

There is no doubt, also, that the presence of a chaperon greatly improves the manners of the young people.

There are girls who are inherently well bred, but who, having the natural, instinctive desire to please, sometimes fear to be considered prim, proper and “goody-goody,” if they do not join in the pranks and imitate the manners of those who seem to be overmuch at their ease in young men’s society. To such the presence of a chaperon is never an unwel- come restraint.

A loud laugh, familiar manners, unrestrained attitudes, are not attractive; and in the freedom of the club men discuss these matters, and those who fancy that such recommend them are held cheap.

A vivacious girl, with the high spirits of youth and its ignorance of the world and its ways, has sometimes been misunderstood and placed in a false position, which the presence of a chaperon would have averted.

Many a girl would give the world to efface memories of indiscretions of conduct that bring a blush when recalled. Motherless and brother-less girls are especially in danger of misconception. The after rough criticism of other girls heard from a brother is a lesson in manners that usually makes an impression.

If a chaperon is what she should be, her presence will not wet-blanket the merriment and spontaneity, but merely tone down the excessive exuberance; the girls will not be less winsome but less giddy, with manners high bred, not conspicuous.

"What are the moments in life most likely to be remembered?" asked one clever woman of another. “Those in which we forgot ourselves,” was the answer, given with a sigh.

A girl is sometimes glad to intrench herself behind the bulwarks that society has reared about her, to defend herself from unwelcome devotion or attentions.

The Proper Chaperon

A chaperon should be an example to her young charges in the conventions, and all social questions should be refer- red to her. She should therefore be em- phatically a gentlewoman, knowing the usages of polite society; her reputation, of course, above question.

A European father who had lost his wife would never place a young unmarried daughter at the head of his house without a resident chaperon, and the im- propriety of doing so is now acknowledged with us.

There are not wanting, in this country of financial ups and downs, ladies who are qualified in every way for such a position. Such a one should be treated by every one in the household as though she were the social equal and entitled to the same deference as the lady of the house whom she represents. Then, and only then, can she do justice to the position and give to the young girl what she needs.

A Chaperon’s Duties

The chaperon should endeavor to see that hospitable doors are open to her charge; that well bred and agreeable young men are presented to her, and it is her responsibility that the girl reciprocates the attentions that she receives in a manner befitting her position.

Much tact is necessary not to draw the rein too tightly. A leading strap would be the better figure; that leaves the young subject free, but checks readily when it is necessary. A chaperon must be careful never to antagonize her charge or appear to watch her. She should respect the privacy of her letters, and never take the opportunity to rebuke or condemn when a confidence is given. Indeed, her only chance of success is to win the girl's real respect and affection, and then encourage confidence in order to be able to act for her good and advantage and never from personal motives or curiosity.

It is her duty, however, to reprove her charge if she is careless in her demeanor with young men. All invitations to men should be given in the name of the mother or chaperon.

In traveling through Europe young girls may go almost anywhere under proper chaperonage to theaters, operas, studios and into society. Only when intrenched within the dignified position of a worker can a young woman dispense with the demand of etiquette for a chaperon.

A young man regardful of the proprie- ties never asks a girl to accompany him to any place of amusement without either extending the invitation to her mother or chaperon, or asking some married woman of suitable age and position to accompany them.

Under exceptional circumstances young brother has sometimes been allowed to fill the position of duenna, prob- ably because of a boy's well known reputation of allowing nothing to escape his observation, and reticence not being a conspicuous characteristic.

A theater party of young persons unchaperoned would be considered as quite beyond the pale of good society in New York.

The host calls first for the chaperon before going for the young woman, unless it is arranged that they are to meet at her house. At a supper after the theater he seats that lady first and treats her as the guest of honor.

An entertainment at a man's bachelor apartments, at the annex of his club or at a restaurant of reputation may be en- joyed by young girls properly chaperoned. One of his own married kinswomen would give much dignity to the gayety.

When a lady is invited to be chaperon for a special occasion, a carriage is always sent to take her to the place appointed, if the host does not call for her, and returns to take her home.

An Agreeable Chaperon

A chaperon should endeavor to make herself so agreeable that her society will not be more of a penance to the young man who falls to her lot than she can help. She need not "talk down" to him, and in her conversation she should re- member that the young do not enjoy grave subjects when merriment has been the object of their meeting. Neither should she try to place herself on his level and assume airs of juvenility. She will only appear ridiculous to the keen young eyes that will mercilessly judge her. There are many subjects upon which young and old may meet upon common ground and talk with naturalness and enthusiasm – books, music, art, the play, charming people, authors, artists, lecturers, travel, amateur photography, bicycling, golf, tennis, botanizing-minds and souls have no age. – By Mrs. Burton Kingsland in the San Francisco Call, 1901

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