Etiquette Tips for Conversation

True culture carries with it an atmosphere of breadth - the world and not the village. A woman lacking it was said to betray by her conversation a mind of narrow compass- “bounded on the north by her servants, on the east by her children, on the south by her ailments, and on the west by her clothes!” Someone has said that the three “d's” are not discussed in polite society - dress, domestics and diseases.

AS conversation bears so important a part in social intercourse that some attempt toward it is made whenever we meet our fellows, it is strange that we are not all more proficient. It has been suggested that we have reason to be grateful that we have a few conversational formulae, to be used under certain circumstances, such as “How do you do?” “Good-by," “Thank you,” “You are very kind,” “I should be delighted.” Fancy the mental strain, if, Instead of these, we had to invent some new combination of words to suit each occasion.

The charm of agreeable conversation is appreciated by all, while its cultivation is within the reach of each, and we may be our own tutors. Nothing so quickly opens hospitable doors, and in its influence it may be an evangel.

Some of the Essentials of Good Conversation

One of its essentials is a well-modulated voice, which always seems a distinguishing mark of gentlehood. Much has been said about our high-pitched voices, but it will bear reiteration, since it is in our power to change them. All feel the charm of the softly musical voices of Englishwomen. They are like some sweet-toned bell, while a few among us recall the "ear-piercing fife." A gentleman, upon escaping from the infliction of such a one, quoted to his friend, "And silence like a poultice comes To heal the blows of sound!"

We should aim, too, to speak our language in its purity -“English undefiled” - and with clear, clean-cut enunciation. There is a cosmopolitan language spoken among educated people everywhere- “their speech betrayeth them.” By it we judge their culture, their refinement, their social position. Provincialism and slang are not less a revelation of the absence of these advantages. 

The subject suggests Coleridge’s well-known story of the stranger at a dinner who passed for a dignified and worthy personage until his pleasure at the excellence of the dumplings caused him to break the silence that had won him the reputation of wisdom by exclaiming, “Them’s the jockeys for me!” No matter what his moral character, whether saint or hero, his mental caliber, his rusticity of breeding, stood confessed. In cases less extreme the influence would be as conclusive. None should be able to tell by accent or intonation from what part of the country we come.

The French know their language so thoroughly that they use it with the precision and sensitiveness with which a cultivated musician plays upon his instrument. English is more comprehensive, and, well selected, it can fitly express any mood and meet every requirement, but few of us know its resources and have them at command.

Charm in Conversation

Entertaining conversation is not alone dependent upon a well-stored mind, a ready wit or broad culture. It lays under contribution qualities of heart as well as head, and should reveal sincerity, sympathy and simplicity. We must feel an interest in our subject before we can inspire it in others, and enthusiasm is contagious when it is sincere. It gives animation to the face, vivacity to the manner and has a thought-compelling power that adds fluency of expression. 

This and the gushing exuberance that speaks only in superlatives are “many miles asunder.” Sympathy and adaptability are created in a measure by the desire to please; but one must be sensitive to the mood of one’s audience, and quick to perceive when someone else wishes to speak. There are talkers who, metaphorically, take the bit between their teeth and run away with the subject. When they finally cease, no one has anything to say, despairing of opportunity. Unselfishness lies at the root of sympathy.

Subjects of Conversation

The subjects of interesting conversation are, of course, multiplied by increased knowledge of books, of the world of men and women, music, art and travel. One should be familiar with the current news of the day and the topics occupying public attention, with the names and authors of the new books, and be able to say something worth hearing about what one has read and heard. Many get no farther in speaking of a book than that it is dull or interesting. Others give in few words what seem to be its central ideas, its characteristics, the time and scene of its action, quoting perhaps some sentiment that has impressed or witticism that has pleased.

One's conversation may become the center around which one’s reading and information are grouped. The habit of memorizing with a definite aim in view, and the consciousness of having something to say, give a sense of power. Practice arouses and strengthens the habit of ready selection and quick and apt application.

True culture carries with it an atmosphere of breadth - the world and not the village. A woman lacking it was said to betray by her conversation a mind of narrow compass - “bounded on the north by her servants, on the east by her children, on the south by her ailments, and on the west by her clothes!” Someone has said that the three “d's” are not discussed in polite society - dress, domestics and diseases.

The mind grows shallow when perpetually occupied with trivialities. A course of solid reading is a good tonic. When ignorant of our ignorance, we do not know when we betray ourselves. It is better to be frankly dull than pedantic. Not exhibition but service is imposed by superior talent or advantages.

Some persons give an opinion as though their verdict were absolute and final. Dogmatism has been defined as “puppyism come to maturity.” Others hold forth with oracular vagueness, but convey few ideas, as though they were educated above their intelligence. One must guard one’s self from the temptation of “talking shop,” as the slang of the day expresses it, and of riding one's “hobby.” Our interest is apt to blind us to the lack of it in others. It comes under the reproach of “bad taste,” as does also the retailing of family affairs. 

The sanctity of home life should be guarded by us with a self-respecting reticence. A bore has been described as “one who talks about himself when you want to talk about yourself.” The sarcasm aside, whatever sets one apart as a capital “I” should be avoided. Anecdotes that are supposed to be of interest because connected with ourselves should be reserved for our intimates. Our troubles annoy those whom they do not sadden. 

Let us only pass upon pleasant things. A joke or humorous story is dependent upon its freshness for appreciation; some emotions will not bear “warming over.” A foreign phrase for which there is no exact equivalent in English seems occasionally to give point, finish or adornment to a sentence, but one must be wary of assuming that it is untranslatable. It is bad form to use foreign expressions unless they be idiomatic and pronounced with correct accent.

It is now a well-established and accepted canon of good form that only pleasant things are to be said of any one. An ill-natured criticism is a social blunder as well as a moral one. “Though we speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, it profiteth us nothing” - in good society.

Gossip and Exaggeration

Gossip, too, is really going out of fashion. Any one self-convicted hastens to retract whatever may give the impression that one has indulged in anything so vulgar and plebeian. It has a corrective and an inspiring influence to imagine the persons spoken of to be within hearing.

Exaggeration is misstatement, which is untruthfulness. It often does as much harm as a deliberate lie, and is not as honest. True wit is a gift, not an attainment. Those who use it aright never yield to the temptation of saying anything that can wound another in order to exhibit their own cleverness. It is natural and spontaneous. “Those who run after wit are apt to catch nonsense.” Talk that has heartiness in it and the liveliness and sparkle that come of light-heartedness and innocent gayety is a fairly good substitute for wit.  - Copyright, 1901, by Doubleday, Page & Co., 1901

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Courtesy in Public

“Women desiring to cut acquaintances or make it clear to them that they do not wish to continue greeting them display poor breeding when they deliberately stare in response to a salutation. It is much better to keep the eyes averted as the person approaches and keep them that way until after they have passed.” - Bebe Daniels

Nice People and How They Act

Girls, do not lean on the arm of your escort when walking on the street, unless you are lame.

A gentleman always offers his arm in escorting a lady at night, but when escorting two he offers his arm only to one. Both walk on the same side of him; he does not walk between. At all times he walks on the side where he can afford the greatest protection from vehicles or obstructions.

It is the woman's privilege to bow first when meeting men acquaintances.

Women desiring to cut acquaintances or make it clear to them that they do not wish to continue greeting them display poor breeding when they deliberately stare in response to a salutation. It is much better to keep the eyes averted as the person approaches and keep them that way until after they have passed.

If a strange man offers assistance in case of accident, it is desirable that a woman should ask his name and address in order that she or some member of her family can express her appreciation.

It is the woman's privilege to bow first when meeting men acquaintances.

Women desiring to cut acquaintances or make it clear to them that they do not wish to continue greeting them display poor breeding when they deliberately stare in response to a salutation. It is much better to keep the eyes averted as the person approaches and keep them that way until after they have passed.

If a strange man offers assistance in case of accident, it is desirable that a woman should ask his name and address in order that she or some member of her family can express her appreciation.

When acting as escort a man should pay all fares and fees in street cars or taxicabs. Whenever a person offers her a seat it is his due to tip his hat and her to thank the courteous one.

In leaving a car or cab or bus the man goes out first and offers his assistance to his companion.

There is no rule of etiquette making it necessary for a man to offer his seat to a woman in a public conveyance, unless she is elderly, lame, has a child in her arms or is carry ing packages. -By Bebe Daniels, 1922

  🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Handkerchief Etiquette and Art of Use

It was at one time thought not very good form to show the handkerchief at all, for it was regarded as an article of toilet not of display. But this argument proved utterly futile in the face of the exquisite little lace creations that were offered, and woman. in her vanity and In her love of the beautiful, decided that it was far too effective a weapon to be so hidden. Moreover, the handkerchief offered something for the hands to do, so woman argued. And when she laid it away she lost one of the most attractive little features of her dress and of frivolity. The handkerchief, the fan and the little wrist bag are all very much a part of the society woman. To handle them well is a triumph of culture and breeding.

THE LADY AND HER HANDKERCHIEF

THERE Is a romance about the handkerchief. Efforts have been made to introduce the black handkerchief; and the one made of blue and white stripes, and the handkerchief that Is all bright red or all deep green. But these have failed and the delicate thing of white, linen in the middle and lace around the edge, is the only one permissible for nice occasions. 

The romance of the handkerchief embraces the etiquette of it. A girl may take her kerchief off her throat and wave it at the incoming guest. She may lightly toss a signal with it at departing friends. She may, if on the water, wig-wag with it and she may follow the fashion of the country in the manner of manipulating it in code style. But when she comes indoors, the etiquette of the handkerchief changes. And no article, not even the fan, is as rigidly ruled as the handkerchief. And very susceptible to treatment is the little lacy square. It can be made to denote a great deal or nothing at all. 

It was at one time thought not very good form to show the handkerchief at all, for it was regarded as an article of toilet not of display. But this argument proved utterly futile in the face of the exquisite little lace creations that were offered, and woman. in her vanity and In her love of the beautiful, decided that it was far too effective a weapon to be so hidden. Moreover, the handkerchief offered something for the hands to do, so woman argued. And when she laid it away she lost one of the most attractive little features of her dress and of frivolity. The handkerchief, the fan and the little wrist bag are all very much a part of the society woman. To handle them well is a triumph of culture and breeding. 

Do Not Abuse the Handkerchief 

While liberty is given in the handling of the pocket handkerchief, one must be wary of its abuse. Never on any account take It and tuck it in the front of the grown. You would not handle any other article in this way; then why the handkerchief! In a day's search you would never see a lady unbutton her dress and thrust a purse in her bosom, or a pair of gloves. Then, why should she do so with the unoffending handkerchief?

Never, on any consideration put the handkerchief into the mouth. Chewing the end of it is very bad form, yet you will sometimes see ladies do It Do not bite or tear at the handkerchief, do not mop the mouth with it. Of course never rub the forehead and head with it. And do not wipe the hands on it.

You can, if so please you, delicately touch the lips with its lacy edge and one may sniff it ever so lightly, to get its sweetness. But it must not be put to utilitarian uses. For the parlor handkerchief is an ornament, not a thing for use. To blow the nose with enthusiasm is exquisitely bad form. Do not flirt with the handkerchief. This is not good. It must not be tossed in the hand, nor flourished in the parlor. 

The handkerchief can match the lacy trimmings of the gown and then it is a thing to be tucked in the belt, the sleeve or even in the finger ring, for there are rings built for this. If necessary to shed a few tears the handkerchief can be used to lightly dry the tear drop. It is bad 'form to weep with abandon in the handkerchief; the emotions must be controlled into picturesqueness. Don't treat the handkerchief as though it were a weapon. Don't play hide and seek with it. Don't let it drop to the floor. Don't lay it down upon the table or chair. Don't stuff it into your collar. Don't wind it between your fingers. And don't, of course, carry a handkerchief that is not delicately pristine In its beauty. 

What She Can Do With It

The handkerchief abused is a thing of hissing and a byword. But treated poetically it becomes a thing of romance, as suggestive in its attractive possibilities as the fan, and one that offers as good a weapon tor woman's art.

Let the handkerchief rest in the lap, Don’t use it for the fingers, Lift it if so if it please you, but let it not be treated outlandishly. Few women understand' the etiquette of pocket handkerchief. But all ladles do! Its treatment may be a matter of instinct- but more often, it Is one of studiously acquired art.

The making of a handkerchief, its embroidering and its hemstitching is a thing that is dainty In the extreme and the belles of these days are embroidering the monograms under the light of the parlor lamp, to the admiring looks of the masculine caller. 

Do not carry in the parlor a vivid handkerchief. Do not carry in the evening one that is loudly lettered with a colored initial. Do not carry a handkerchief that suggests a sheet, and do not carry one that looks like, a rag. 

The lady and the pocket handkerchief figure largely in the romantic annals of the world’s history; and the tear shed at the right time, the whiff of rose, the manipulation so as to display the taper fingers, all assist In the work of love-making for which the world was created. The real lady will never tie articles in the corner of her handkerchief, nor will she use it as a mop or a duster. On the contrary, she will treat it as the most treasured bit of bric-a-brac in her possession. – San Francisco Call, 1902

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Requirements of Royal Levee, Pt 2

Depiction of the Queen in her State Carriage on the way to the Royal Levee with the Debutantes.

WHAT IS REQUIRED AT A ROYAL LEVEE?

Miseries of a Debutante in Her Presentation at Court

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Rigid Rules Prescribed for Her Conduct – Annoyances to Which Those Seeking the Honor Are Subjected –

Part 2

The principal feature of fashionable life in a monarchical country is the presentation at court, without which no society belle considers any season properly finished, and which indeed is considered to be both the beginning and the crowning honor of society life. This being the case, it is not remarkable that among people who live in a country where a court is the center of society there should exist a marked anxiety to be presented at court…

Part 2:

While the etiquette instruction is going on, the dress is being made, and the garment for so momentous an occasion must not only be as costly as her purse can buy, but as original as her imagination can devise. The gentlemen who are presented at Court are not troubled in this respect; an officer wears the uniform of his rank, an Embassador at the Court wears dress of his own country, or occasionally by courtesy, defers in the matter of attire to the Court where he makes his appearance. But for the civilian, a Court dress is carefully devised, and with the pattern he must comply to the smallest particular. 

The Court dress at present in use in Great Britain is an abomination, composed of modifications of the hideous costume worn in the time of George III. The time has gone by when courtiers could ape Sir Walter Raleigh in splendor of costume. It is recorded of this nobleman that he appeared at Court in a white satin vest, over which was a doublet flowered and embroidered with pearls. The feather in his hat was fastened with rubies and pearls. His breeches and stockings were of white silk. His shoes were buff, covered with diamonds to the value of $30,000, while his sword and belt blazed with precious stones. 

No such gorgeousness is now displayed among English courtiers, but still there is enough to create the impression among the uninitiated that the wearer of the Court fripperies had just escaped from a circus and it had not found time to change his clothes. The lack of latitude allowed the men is atoned for by the license given to the women, for so long as the dress has no sleeves and almost no waist, but a lavish abundance of train, the costume may be made according to the fancy of the wearer.

The dresses are uniformly magnificent, and for weeks after a grand drawing-room the English fashion papers are filled with illustrations of the dresses worn by prominent ladies of the nobility. The name having passed the Lord Chamberlain and being approved by the Queen, the candidate goes in the carriage of her chaperon some hours before the appointed time to the neighborhood of Buckingham Palace. The carriage is always an elegant turnout with coachman and footman in white wigs and their smartest liveries ornamented in front with monstrous boutonnières tied with white satin bows. 

At the appointed time the carriage finds a place in the line and delivers its precious freight ht at the palace door. The ladies are shown in droves into anterooms, which in winter, are cold and in summer hot and ill-ventiiated. Each applicant must be provided with two large cards having her name clearly written upon each. One is given to the Queen’s pages at the palace door, the other to the Lord Chamberlain, who from it reads the name of the lady being presented. After waiting perhaps for several hours, the aspirant hears her name called by a page, a couple of gorgeous attendants adjust her train, she is ushered into the Royal presence, where she courtesies the requisite number of times, then retires backward, managing her train as best she can while bowing to the earth. The ordeal is over, and she goes away to reflect how foolish it all is, and how she would do it over again every day in the week to attain social pre-eminence or to spite some other woman. 

The advantages of a presentation are somewhat visionary. It is supposed to give one a standing socially, for according to the theory the person presented at Court is entitled to be presented by the Embassador of his country at any and every other Court. But, in fact, a presentation benefits only those who do not need it, and the great mass of those presented see nothing more of Royalty. They are never invited to the Royal fêtes or balls, they have little more interest in high society than they had before, and the chief benefit, so far as the masses of the presentees are concerned, is to see their names in the paper the next day, and so to be the envy of all the women who have not been presented. As a sort of social triumph it is worth striving for when that sort of distinction is deemed worth having, and for the sake of the honor women go through the tedious drill, the hours of weary waiting, the discomfort, and sometimes the humiliation, just to say they have been recognized by Majesty.

In general, even this statement is not true. So far as England is concerned, the Royal receptions are in the name of the Queen, but as a rule, after the Embassadors have been received, the Queen retires and leaves her daughter-in-law, the Princess of Wales, to do the honors, which are thereby done quite as well, and the Queen is therefore saved the discomfort, to her no doubt very great, of a tedious public audience. Those who have passed through it more than once, generally concede that a royal drawing-room is a misery to most of those concerned, and in particular to the ladies who receive the honor.

It is not necessary to be among those presented, however, to share some of the benefits of a drawing-room. Persons of good character, having proper credentials and fortune enough to secure an introduction to the Lord Chamberlain, may receive tickets permitting them to stand in the corridors of the palace and see the crowds of debutantes and their chaperones pass in and out of a tedious public audience. Those who have passed through it more than once generally concede that a Royal drawing-room is a misery to most of those concerned, and in particular to the ladies who receive the honor. Some people say this is really the most satisfactory way of “doing” a drawing-room, but good credentials are necessary and some influence to secure even so slight a favor as that of being permitted to stand in the passage and see the nobility and gentry go by. 

It is not to be supposed, however, that there is no fun at a drawing-room. There is any quantity of it, but it is all for those who have neither part nor lot in the exercises within. The occasion is always announced in the papers some days before, and the order is given in which the carriages are to fall in line. The announcement never fails to attract the public, which gathers numerously, and bestows enthusiastic encouragement on the persons participating. For hours before the appointed time vehicles are slowly moving about the neighborhood in order to be ready to take a place, for the rule stands, first come first presented, and as the clock strikes there is a grand rush toward the palace gate, and in the crush carriages are often broken, sometimes over-turned, and accidents to horses are quite frequent. 

The police lend their assistance to form the line, and after a carriage is in position, its occupants must wait from two to four hours until their turn comes at the palace gate. Meantime, the people in groups pass up and down before the carriages, and criticise their occupants with the utmost freedom. The occasion is always available also for the display of patriotism. The Prince and Princess of Wales are cheered as they go by in their gilded chariots; the Lord Mayor and High Sheriff must listen to comments on their gorgeousness, the Embassadors and public functionaries are applauded or hooted as fancy dictates. 

In London it is not a statutable offense to howl at anybody, from the Prince of Wales up or down, as you choose to count, and it frequently happens that unpopular public characters have, while waiting in the streets before Buckingham Palace, an excellent opportunity to ascertain what the public think of them. But nobody minds, and even the women who are stared at by the mob on the street, and commented upon in language sometimes the reverse of respectful, take the matter very coolly. Their carriages are provided with curtains, but as a rule they seldom take the pains to draw them up. They are on exhibition, and if they do not object to the publicity, unwelcome though it sometimes is, no one else has a right to complain. – San Francisco Call, 1891

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Polish Christmas Etiquette, Customs

The Twelve Dishes – Symbolism on the Plate: The Christmas Eve supper traditionally consists of twelve meatless dishes, representing the twelve Apostles. Every dish carries meaning, and each guest is encouraged to taste all of them — a gesture believed to bring prosperity and good fortune in the coming year.

Christmas in Poland: A Celebration of Meaning, Memory, and Togetherness

Christmas in Poland is not merely a festive season — it is a deeply rooted cultural and spiritual experience, shaped by centuries of tradition, symbolism, and family bonds. What truly distinguishes Polish Christmas customs from those in many other countries is the profound importance of Christmas Eve (Wigilia), which marks the real beginning of the celebration.

While in many cultures Christmas Day takes center stage, in Poland the most meaningful moments unfold on the evening of December 24th. It is a night filled with quiet anticipation, reflection, and rituals that carry both religious and human significance.

Wigilia – The Heart of Polish Christmas

The word Wigilia comes from the Latin vigilia, meaning “watch” or “vigil.” Families wait patiently for the appearance of the first star in the evening sky, symbolizing the Star of Bethlehem. Only then does the Christmas Eve supper begin — a moment eagerly awaited by children and adults alike.

The table itself tells a story. It is traditionally covered with a white tablecloth, beneath which a layer of hay is placed as a reminder of Christ’s humble birth in a manger. An empty place at the table is always set — a powerful symbol of openness, hospitality, and readiness to welcome a stranger, a traveler, or the memory of absent loved ones.

The Opłatek – A Ritual of Reconciliation and Love

One of the most unique and moving Polish Christmas traditions is the sharing of the opłatek — a thin, white wafer made of flour and water. Before the meal begins, family members stand together, break pieces of the opłatek, and exchange heartfelt wishes.

This moment often brings tears, forgiveness, gratitude, and reconciliation. It is not rushed. It is deeply personal. There is no equivalent ritual in most other cultures that so openly invites reflection, humility, and emotional connection before the festive meal begins.

The Twelve Dishes – Symbolism on the Plate

The Christmas Eve supper traditionally consists of twelve meatless dishes, representing the twelve Apostles. Every dish carries meaning, and each guest is encouraged to taste all of them — a gesture believed to bring prosperity and good fortune in the coming year.

Typical dishes include:

• Barszcz czerwony with uszka (beetroot soup with small mushroom dumplings),

• Pierogi filled with sauerkraut and mushrooms,

• Carp, prepared in various ways,

• Sauerkraut with peas,

• Kutia or makowiec (poppy seed desserts rich in symbolism of abundance),

• Compote of dried fruits, served at the end of the meal.

The absence of meat reflects restraint, humility, and spiritual focus — values that remain central to the Polish understanding of Christmas.

Carols, Silence, and Midnight Mass

After supper, families often sing traditional Polish Christmas carols (kolędy), many of which are centuries old and deeply poetic. Later that night, many attend Midnight Mass (Pasterka), a solemn and beautiful service that officially welcomes Christmas Day.

What sets Poland apart is the balance between celebration and contemplation. There is joy, but also silence. Festivity, but also reverence. Christmas is not loud — it is meaningful.

In a world that often rushes through celebrations, Polish Christmas invites us to pause — to sit together, to share words that matter, and to remember that the true essence of Christmas lies not in what we receive, but in what we give to one another.

A Christmas of the Soul

Polish Christmas traditions emphasize values that transcend time: family, respect, humility, forgiveness, and memory. It is a holiday less about excess and more about presence. Less about spectacle and more about connection.

In a world that often rushes through celebrations, Polish Christmas invites us to pause — to sit together, to share words that matter, and to remember that the true essence of Christmas lies not in what we receive, but in what we give to one another.

This is Christmas in Poland — deeply human, profoundly symbolic, and beautifully timeless. 🎄✨

Marzena Nowicka-Grzybicki is an expert in etiquette, protocol, and modern savoir-vivre, and the founder of Akademia MONTEMARCO Protocol & Etiquette. She specializes in corporate etiquette, diplomatic protocol, and cultural communication, combining classical principles with contemporary professional and social realities. Through trainings, workshops, and lectures, she supports leaders, organizations, schools, and individuals in building authority, elegance, and respectful communication. Marzena is also the initiator of Savoir-Vivre Day, officially celebrated on June 3rd, created to promote conscious behavior, mutual respect, and high standards of culture in public and private life. Her work represents a timeless approach to elegance — grounded in awareness, dignity, and meaningful human connection.

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Requirements of a Royal Levee

Custom prescribes the behavior of the person introduced down to the minutest detail; the manner of her entrance and exit, the number of courtesies she shall make, the manner in which she shall manage her train, how she shall hold her fan, and every other apparently unimportant particular is prescribed with the most wearisome minuteness. – Depiction of a Gilded Age Debutante making her Debut to Queen Victoria in 1891.

WHAT IS REQUIRED AT A ROYAL LEVEE?

Miseries of a Debutante in Her Presentation at Court

👑 👑 👑 👑 👑 👑 👑 👑 👑

Rigid Rules Prescribed for Her Conduct – Annoyances to Which Those Seeking the Honor Are Subjected

The principal feature of fashionable life in a monarchical country is the presentation at court, without which no society belle considers any season properly finished, and which indeed is considered to be both the beginning and the crowning honor of society life. This being the case, it is not remarkable that among people who live in a country where a court is the center of society there should exist a marked anxiety to be presented at court. 

This feeling takes most definite form in England, and the desire for the honor has spread so far that even Americans, both gentlemen and ladies, have on many occasions manifested an eagerness to be “presented” hardly consonant with the simplicity of republican institutions, says a writer in the St. Louis Giobe-Democrat. The honor of presentation at court, however, is accorded to very few, and those of the most “select classes.” Embassadors and Ministers have the right to be presented, and would feel insulted if they were not. The nobility and landed gentry of England also in some degree consider Court presentation as a sort of right, the honor in their cases having acquired a sort of hereditary standing. 

Cabinet Ministers, officers of the army and navy, officials in the highest grades of the civil service are also presented, together with foreigners of distinction who ha have been introduced by their embassadors. Men of prominence in the learned and scientific pursuits are sometimes presented as a special favor, though they do not usually seek the honor, which in their case is somewhat doubtful. With merchants and manufacturers, the list of those who make an appearance at court may be said to close, and of these last two classes the number presented in court ceremonials is small. 

The strictest care is taken to exclude anything which savors of the shop, hence no retail merchant, however great his wealth, however respectable his standing, may anticipate the honor of appearing in the presence of the Queen. Instances sometimes happen of men of all these classes placing an exceedingly high value upon the honor, and when its bestowal was doubtful, making special effort to secure it. But men as a rule value a Court appearance very lightly. 

Not so their wives and daughters. What to trifling occurrence an empty honor, to be received without gratitude and forgotten with expedition, becomes to a woman the event of her life, and the amount of scheming, of planning among the ladies desirous of a presentation, would be deemed incredible were it not known to be a fact. The wives and daughters of men entitled to appear at court are also accorded that honor, and, as a rule, prize it so much more highly that the attendance of ladies always far exceeds that of men.

Ladies seeking presentation may be divided into two classes, those who enjoy the honor as a sort of right by reason of their birth or relationship and those who seek it as an honor. The former experience no difficulty whatever in obtaining access to the charmed circle which surrounds the Queen. When a young girl of noble or gentle birth attains the proper age she is presented by her mother or by her aunt, or by some other female relative having the right to appear. She is then said to make her debut, or in England parlance “to come out.” But for all other persons, including visiting Americans, a presentation at court is a matter of difficulty. 

The person desiring to be presented must have proper instructions, good associations, considerable wealth a very important factor – and must find a social god- mother willing to assume the responsibility of her introduction. The obliging chaperon may sometimes assume the charge from friendly regard, but, if Dame Rumor be correct, more than one godmother has taken the responsibility of introducing an American for the sake of the American dollar, and more than one American lady is currently reported to have paid a handsome sum to an English dame whose rank was exalted, but whose pocket-book was lank, for the honor of being taken to Court. Such things come high, but some people think them cheap at any price.

Having secured a social godmother, application for appearance at Court is made to the Lord Chamberlain, sometimes many weeks or even months beforehand, and the applicant then awaits her turn. When it comes her name with others is presented several days before the ceremony to the Queen, who rigidly strikes off any she may deem unworthy of the honor. With regard to this point the present sovereign of Great Britain is relentless, and many lady whose lot was not cast among the privileged classes, or whose character had been breathed upon, has at the last moment been disappointed in her expectations.

Long before the name of the candidate has been passed on the ambitious aspirant of a has placed herself under the tuition of a mistress of etiquette. This is a necessary preliminary of a Queen’s Court. The Queen’s Court is as rigid as were the laws of the Medes and Persians. Custom prescribes the behavior of the person introduced down to the minutest detail; the manner of her entrance and exit, the number of courtesies she shall make, the manner in which she shall manage her train, how she shall hold her fan, and every other apparently unimportant particular is prescribed with the most wearisome minuteness. 

On her entry to the reception-room her name is announced, and she must courtesy almost down to the earth before the Queen or the person representing the Sovereign, and then in the prescribed order once to every member of the Royal reception group. These courtesies are very low make a surprisingly heavy demand on the muscles, and occasionally, even to the experienced, involve the danger of toppling over backwards. Even should an accident happen, however, it would rarely be heard outside the charmed circle, for members of the court are extremely cautious in divulging news, particularly of so embarrassing a character.– San Francisco Call, 1891

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Old World Duenna Etiquette Points

A Chaperon or “Old World Duenna” – “WHEN a general distribution of halos takes place,” once said a bright woman, "the head of the willing and unsung martyr, known as a chaperon, will be found crowned, too, I am persuaded, among the world's elect.” 

Etiquette: Some Points About Chaperons, Their Use and Abuse

“WHEN a general distribution of halos takes place,” once said a bright woman, "the head of the willing and unsung martyr, known as a chaperon, will be found crowned, too, I am persuaded, among the world's elect.”

Not many of us will be found worthy to wear one of greater radiance, if cheerfulness, an absolute disregard of self, ingenuity in improvising pleasures in which she takes but an observer's part, and an unwearied amiability that keeps her sweet, smiling and wakeful until her young charge has had her fill of pleasure, be any qualification for such a reward. The post is no sinecure, and its duties are often a thankless, unenviable task.

Of course, the natural chaperon of a girl is her own mother, whose interest in all that in any way concerns her child makes the position an easy one and all her labor of love; but one whose presence is imposed to “play propriety” where no such necessity is recognized, naturally feels the embarrassment of being unwelcome. It is therefore but fair that her position should be understood and defined.

The Need of Chaperons

In Europe, and in those parts of America which have felt the influence of Old World customs, the first demand of polished society is that young girls shall be properly chaperoned. It is considered one of, the elegances of life, one of the graces of the best society and an evidence of the tender respect with which young womanhood is regarded; such a formality being held to safeguard it from all chance of evil or the appearance of it.

The world has grown too small, through the closer intercourse of its civilized peoples, for any to escape its inherited traditions and prejudices.

Time was when we were so provincial and inconspicuous that we could make our own social laws, and we were proud of the freedom that could exist between our young women and their men acquaintances, and protested against the duenna system as a reflection upon their trustworthiness.

Strong in their innate sense of propriety, their moral dignity, discretion and modesty, the girls felt quite competent to take care of themselves, and the young men resented the suggestion of a chaperon as an insult to their honor. From their mental attitude, their self-respecting standpoint and the customs of their environment, they were justified, and there are not wanting many yet to hold these opinions.

To such I would say that chaperonage is a representative thing. It typifies the sheltering care, the jealous protection, of something very precious. It sets a higher value upon the object by protecting and hedging it round in the eyes of others, and particularly in those of young men who are apt to sigh for the fruit toat hangs highest.

The Value of a Chaperon

There is no doubt, also, that the presence of a chaperon greatly improves the manners of the young people.

There are girls who are inherently well bred, but who, having the natural, instinctive desire to please, sometimes fear to be considered prim, proper and “goody-goody,” if they do not join in the pranks and imitate the manners of those who seem to be overmuch at their ease in young men’s society. To such the presence of a chaperon is never an unwel- come restraint.

A loud laugh, familiar manners, unrestrained attitudes, are not attractive; and in the freedom of the club men discuss these matters, and those who fancy that such recommend them are held cheap.

A vivacious girl, with the high spirits of youth and its ignorance of the world and its ways, has sometimes been misunderstood and placed in a false position, which the presence of a chaperon would have averted.

Many a girl would give the world to efface memories of indiscretions of conduct that bring a blush when recalled. Motherless and brother-less girls are especially in danger of misconception. The after rough criticism of other girls heard from a brother is a lesson in manners that usually makes an impression.

If a chaperon is what she should be, her presence will not wet-blanket the merriment and spontaneity, but merely tone down the excessive exuberance; the girls will not be less winsome but less giddy, with manners high bred, not conspicuous.

"What are the moments in life most likely to be remembered?" asked one clever woman of another. “Those in which we forgot ourselves,” was the answer, given with a sigh.

A girl is sometimes glad to intrench herself behind the bulwarks that society has reared about her, to defend herself from unwelcome devotion or attentions.

The Proper Chaperon

A chaperon should be an example to her young charges in the conventions, and all social questions should be refer- red to her. She should therefore be em- phatically a gentlewoman, knowing the usages of polite society; her reputation, of course, above question.

A European father who had lost his wife would never place a young unmarried daughter at the head of his house without a resident chaperon, and the im- propriety of doing so is now acknowledged with us.

There are not wanting, in this country of financial ups and downs, ladies who are qualified in every way for such a position. Such a one should be treated by every one in the household as though she were the social equal and entitled to the same deference as the lady of the house whom she represents. Then, and only then, can she do justice to the position and give to the young girl what she needs.

A Chaperon’s Duties

The chaperon should endeavor to see that hospitable doors are open to her charge; that well bred and agreeable young men are presented to her, and it is her responsibility that the girl reciprocates the attentions that she receives in a manner befitting her position.

Much tact is necessary not to draw the rein too tightly. A leading strap would be the better figure; that leaves the young subject free, but checks readily when it is necessary. A chaperon must be careful never to antagonize her charge or appear to watch her. She should respect the privacy of her letters, and never take the opportunity to rebuke or condemn when a confidence is given. Indeed, her only chance of success is to win the girl's real respect and affection, and then encourage confidence in order to be able to act for her good and advantage and never from personal motives or curiosity.

It is her duty, however, to reprove her charge if she is careless in her demeanor with young men. All invitations to men should be given in the name of the mother or chaperon.

In traveling through Europe young girls may go almost anywhere under proper chaperonage to theaters, operas, studios and into society. Only when intrenched within the dignified position of a worker can a young woman dispense with the demand of etiquette for a chaperon.

A young man regardful of the proprie- ties never asks a girl to accompany him to any place of amusement without either extending the invitation to her mother or chaperon, or asking some married woman of suitable age and position to accompany them.

Under exceptional circumstances young brother has sometimes been allowed to fill the position of duenna, prob- ably because of a boy's well known reputation of allowing nothing to escape his observation, and reticence not being a conspicuous characteristic.

A theater party of young persons unchaperoned would be considered as quite beyond the pale of good society in New York.

The host calls first for the chaperon before going for the young woman, unless it is arranged that they are to meet at her house. At a supper after the theater he seats that lady first and treats her as the guest of honor.

An entertainment at a man's bachelor apartments, at the annex of his club or at a restaurant of reputation may be en- joyed by young girls properly chaperoned. One of his own married kinswomen would give much dignity to the gayety.

When a lady is invited to be chaperon for a special occasion, a carriage is always sent to take her to the place appointed, if the host does not call for her, and returns to take her home.

An Agreeable Chaperon

A chaperon should endeavor to make herself so agreeable that her society will not be more of a penance to the young man who falls to her lot than she can help. She need not "talk down" to him, and in her conversation she should re- member that the young do not enjoy grave subjects when merriment has been the object of their meeting. Neither should she try to place herself on his level and assume airs of juvenility. She will only appear ridiculous to the keen young eyes that will mercilessly judge her. There are many subjects upon which young and old may meet upon common ground and talk with naturalness and enthusiasm – books, music, art, the play, charming people, authors, artists, lecturers, travel, amateur photography, bicycling, golf, tennis, botanizing-minds and souls have no age. – By Mrs. Burton Kingsland in the San Francisco Call, 1901

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Character Analysis and Manners

“I want a pair of gloves. Tan, undressed kid, please, and let them be mousquetaires. Don't you think they'll look best with a brown crepon? Oh, my gown is too sweet? Say, you just measure and see what number I take…” – Above, a 1879 patent for mousquetaire gloves. Convenient, but often misused with regard to globe etiquette.

A Person’s Character Sometimes Found in Fingers

How a New York Saleswoman Foretells a Troublesome Customer

“Now I'm in for it; I can tell by her fingers,” said a saleswoman in a glove store in the shopping district. The remark was made in an undertone to another saleswoman as a customer took a seat and removed her gloves preparatory to a fitting. The saleswoman turned to the customer and said pleasantly, “What can I show you, madam?”

“Gloves, of course,” came the answer tartly. “You don't keep anything else here.”

“Yes, I beg pardon, we do,” returned the saleswoman amiably. “We keep a lovely line of silk underwear for ladies, and also stockings.”

“Well, I want gloves,” said the customer in an irritated way; “a pair of three-button pique-stitched gloves.”

“What size and shade, please?”

“Butter, with back embroidered in black; number six and a half.”

The gloves were produced and then came the tug of war. The shopgirl patted and coaxed, and finally pulled without making much progress. On those gloves wouldn’t go. The customer got red in the face, and finally said impatiently: “New in the business, aren't you?”

“No, madam, I've been at this counter three years, and I think if you'll let me try a seven on you.”

“Seven! Seven! Are you crazy? I never wore a seven in my life. It’s impertinence in you to suggest to me what number of glove I shall wear, and if I did my duty I'd report you.”

“I beg your pardon,” said the girl. “I'll get these on in time. I was merely going to suggest that every one nearly takes a half size larger in these gloves. There, now it is on. Shall I put on the other?”

The other was put on after another great effort on the part of the saleswoman, and the customer sailed out. The saleswoman turned to a friend, who had dropped in to see her, and said:

“That woman's fingers bend inward and are hard and stiff to the touch. I have found since I have been in this business that this is invariably an indication of excessive selfishness. A woman with fingers of this description has no regard for the feelings of others. 

“She is usually cautious, too, and examines well before purchasing, and then she is reserved. I size a woman up by her hands the minute she removes her gloves to be fitted, and when one shows up with fingers that bend inward, as this woman’s did, I make up my mind to be thoroughly polite and amiable, no matter how much I am provoked.

“What can I do for you, miss?” she continued, addressing a plump young girl, who came in next, threw herself down on a seat, and jerked off a pair of well-worn gloves. “Me? Oh, I want a pair of gloves. Tan, undressed kid, please, and let them be mousquetaires. Don't you think they'll look best with a brown crepon? Oh, my gown is too sweet? Say, you just measure and see what number I take. What? Six and a quarter? I used to wear sixes.”

While the saleswoman was slipping the gloves on the short, plump fingers the girl chattered on about her clothes, where she was going, and her family history, and as she received her parcel from the saleswoman she asked: “What is your name? I'd like to ask for you the next time I come in here.” As the second customer left the store the saleswoman resumed: “Dear, little, impulsive thing! I knew it immediately. Those short-fingered people are usually quick and hasty. Sometimes they get angry, but they always make it up before leaving the store, and as a rule are the easiest customers of all to wait on. They are very full of vitality, and are in marked contrast with my lady with long, tapering fingers. She is very careful about little things and possesses fine tastes. 

“In fact, the long-fingered lady is commonly æsthetic and matches or contrasts gloves and gowns with the greatest nicety. She is often over-sensitive about her appearance, and while we are not bothered by having to make suggestions, she is as a rule pretty hard to please. woman who works does not have to tell it to us. The tips of her fingers and her nails give this fact away by spreading. She is a pleasant customer, though, and attends strictly to business when she comes in. Of course she hasn't much money to spend, so generally has made up her mind beforehand what she wants and how much she wants to pay for it. She comes and goes in a hurry and has little to say.

“The customers that are most easily managed in our business are the ones with plastic, flexible fingers that bend far back. We find that their minds are as capable of being bent as their digits. They are apt to be adaptable in their natures, and, of course, are easily influenced. It would never do to let such a thing get out, but, do you know, such people are fine subjects for off styles and colors and it must be admitted that the woman who understands human nature in this business takes advantage of this fact and gets off many a pair that would either have to be carried over or returned to the factories.” -New York Sun, 1895

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Madame Récamier and Good Manners

In all French history no woman had a stronger fascination for whoever came within her reach than Madame Recamier.  – Public domain image of Juliette Récamier, famous for her beauty and wit.

The Secret of Good Manners

The secret of good manners is to forget one’s own self altogether. The people of really fine breeding are the ones who never think of themselves, but only of the pleasure they can give to others. No adornment of beauty, or learning, or accomplishments, goes so far in its power to attract as the one gift of sympathy. In all French history no woman had a stronger fascination for whoever came within her reach than Madame Recamier. 

She was called beautiful; but her portraits prove that her beauty was not to be compared with that of many less a charming women. And when every attraction of person had long since passed away, and she was an old, old woman, her sway over the hearts of others was as powerful as ever. What was her secret ? It was this one thing solely — her genuine and unaffected interest in the good and ill fortunes of her friends. 

Authors came to her and read her their books; painters came to her with their pictures; statesmen with their projects. She, herself, wrote no books, painted no pictures, had no projects. She was sweet, simply and unconsciously, as a rose is sweet. She really cared for the happiness and success of others, and they felt the genuineness of her sympathy. It surrounded her with an immortal charm. 

Let any girl try Madame Recamier’s experiment. Let her go into society thinking nothing of the admiration she may win; but everything of the happiness she can confer. It matters little whether her face is beautiful, or her toilette costly. Before the end of three months she will be a happy girl herself; for the world likes sunshine and sympathy, and turns to them as the flowers baak in the sun of June. – Placer Herald, 1881

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

1951’s “New” Entertaining Manners

Do you end up, after the company is gone, leaning on the kitchen sink and shuddering at the thought of guests? Well, there's a new and smart way out. It's called the New Etiquette. Based sensibly on the fact that few 1951 homes have maids, it sees to it that the hostess enjoys her own parties. The main requirements are the New Style Hostess (or Host) and the New Style Guest. Both should cut down work.

Spare Your Hostess!

..that will make it fun for everyone 

DO YOU TRY to live in 1951 and keep up 1891 table etiquette?

Are you still trying to entertain the way Grandma did? Still trotting out all the family silver and china, the fussy meals and the millionaire manners?

But suppose you don't have Grandma's leisure or “a girl to come in and help.” Do you end up, after the company is gone, leaning on the kitchen sink and shuddering at the thought of guests?

Well, there's a new and smart way out. It's called the New Etiquette. Based sensibly on the fact that few 1951 homes have maids, it sees to it that the hostess enjoys her own parties.

The main requirements are the New Style Hostess (or Host) and the New Style Guest. Both should cut down work.

The keynotes are (1) dishes that can be thrown away, in- stead of cleaned, (2) food that needs less silverware, (3) table arrangements that let guests share with the serving, and (4) clean-up co-operation that lets all join in and have fun.

The New Etiquette is shown at work in the breakfast setting above. Please note that (1) Except for the coffee cups (without saucers), it uses new, non-tasting, plastie-lined paper plates and cups. (2) All food is presented in original containers, or in the cooking utensils. (3) All foods are grouped conveniently. (4) The paper napkins and easily sponged plastic cloth need not be laundered. Hosts and guests are on their own. Wash-up time will be a matter of seconds, not minutes.

Once you get the idea, the New Etiquette is simplicity itself. Here are some 'important pointers:

LUNCH, DINNER: Think of your menu in terms of the easiest service, with the main course served in one unit. Stews or cas- seroles are ideal. Roasts, steaks, and chops can be served on the same platter as the vegetables. Avoid putting silver-ware where it is not needed. With a little planning, the 82 pieces of silver and china often used to serve four people can be cut to 35. If you have one, carry everything in on a tea-wagon.

COCKTAIL PARTIES: Don't make the canapés, or beyond the first round, mix the drinks yourself. Arrange the makings for canapés and let guests help themselves. Bring liquor, ice, mixes, bar tools into the living room.

PICNICS: Let the guests dream up, and make, their own sandwiches. Take bread, butter, meats, cheeses, hard-boiled eggs, tomatoes, cucumbers, celery and lettuce.

MANNERS FOR GUESTS: Especially on week-ends, remember that your hosts are not your servants. Make your own bed, Pitch in and help with the rest of the work. They'll be glad to have you back!

MANNERS FOR HOSTS: If you expect guests to help with the work, keep it to a minimum and make it easy. For clean-up after meals, label your kitchen shelves so that they'll know where things belong. - By Russell Wright, Co-author with Mary Wright of "Easier Living" Simon & Schuster

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia