Unwritten Social Etiquette

“And there is the man to whom you haven't been introduced.. You may sit side by side with him, you may know perfectly well who he is, he may even be the friend of your dearest friend, but— you must not speak to him. He might think it strange. You must wait until certain magic words have been pronounced in his presence and yours, and then - presto! all barriers have

melted away, and what five minutes before would have been an unpardonable lapse has now become a fatuous conventionality.

Thus it is.”

Unwritten Manners of the Sexes

While innumerable books of etiquette are being written, published and read by the thousands for whom they are intended, It is interesting to note the tacit observances of the unwritten laws of which one sees examples in every streetcar, restaurant or public building. There are hundreds of these unwritten laws, rarely spoken of, never formulated, and yet it is by the strict observance of these that a man is socially judged.

He may be of the kind who finds the study of the etiquette textbook inevitable, or he may be of the sort to whom such work is unknown, but if he be found wanting in any of the thousand and one little finenesses which mark the line between a gentleman and one who is not, the cachet of his class is stamped upon him.

One of these recognized conveniences is the treatment evoked by the streetcar. Should a man enter one of these vehicles and find it already occupied by a woman, the unwritten law demands that he shall seat himself as far from her as the length of the car will allow. It is even better should he decide to ride outside. For by removing himself to the greatest possible distance he is displaying his knowledge of a fine distinction of courtesy which those not of the elect might even decry.

The same distinction holds good in the treatment accorded a woman who may have to enter a restaurant alone. It is not thinkable that any man beholding a table unoccupied save by one or two women would venture to seat himself at it so long as there were other vacant tables near. He must force himself to occupy any seat rather than that one. But should he discover an empty table and a woman should be compelled to occupy it with him, beyond passing her the salt, he must not even appear to know that she exists.

Of this ilk is the blue-blooded restaurant eater. And there are services rendered. A woman may ask almost any service of a man - provided he be of the right degree of amiability - she may even talk with him for full fifteen minutes while he gives her directions presumably concerning her right course, the location and routes of streetcars, or the haunts of the express offices.

He may do all this and she may have been complaisance itself, receiving his words with "nods and becks and wreathed smiles," but if she sees him again later, she must not recognize his presence by so much as the fall of an eyelash. If she does she, too, is stamped. Such are the woman’s limitations.

And there is the man to whom you haven't been introduced.. You may sit side by side with him, you may know perfectly well who he is, he may even be the friend of your dearest friend, but— you must not speak to him. He might think it strange. You must wait until certain magic words have been pronounced in his presence and yours, and then - presto! all barriers have melted away, and what five minutes before would have been an unpardonable lapse has now become a fatuous conventionality.

Thus it is.

And so it goes. Certain limitations for man, certain others for woman. But these unwritten laws must be recognized, else we are pariahs, for such is the law of the great, round world - at least of that portion of it in which we live and move - and being prone to conformity, we conform. _ San Francisco Call, 1907

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia