Table Manners for Fruit

Cherries, berries, strawberries (they are not actually berries), oranges, grapes, grapefruit, mangoes and lemons all had utensils specifically made for enjoying them. Many other fruits had none. Peaches, apricots, apples, pears, pineapples, papayas, kiwi, nectarines and plums are among the many fruits which were overlooked. When it came to the etiquette of eating them, the small fruit knife and fruit fork would have to suffice.
— Photo source, Etiquipedia private library

How to Eat Peaches

“The art of eating a peach” is, it appears, one of the questions of the day. According to one authority on the etiquette of the dinner table, a peach should be picked with the fork, quartered, peeled and eaten piece-meal. But, as so much manipulation would evidently leave all the juice of the fruit on the plate this method, to be palatable, requires the courage of the young lady in the story who, at her first appearance at a dinner party, raised her dessert plate with her two hands and calmly drank the sweet juice of the nectarines. The French rule of eating peaches will, therefore, be accepted with much favor, and that rule is, “D’y mordre a pleines dents.”—Pall Mall Budget, 1891

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Spoon History and Etiquette

 

“Spoons are older than forks, because nature provides them. Where people live near the sea, sea shells are often used as spoons. Gourds and sections of bamboo have been used too, and spoons are easy to carve out of wood. In a few places, as among the Native Americans of the Pacific Northwest, the “spoon” might actually be almost flat, like a paddle, because its real use was to fish out solid bits of food for the honored guest.”— Shown above, three small antique silver spoons, from left to right, a mustard spoon, salt spoon and a snuff spoon
—Photo source, Etiquipedia private library 

Tiny Bowls

What’s a spoon, really? A tiny bowl with a long handle so that we don’t have to drink clumsily from a larger bowl.

We use it for soup, but that’s just the elegant modern way to do it. The original way (which survived in rural areas well into the 19th century) was to pick up the whole bowl and chug it down. Sticklers for good usage insist that we should say we “drink” soup, rather than “eat” it, but in the old days that went without saying.

Spoons are officially intended for liquid or semi-liquid  food, so we use a spoon for pudding or ice cream (hence the expression “X could eat Y with a spoon,” meaning X considers Y a luscious treat). But we use a fork for pie, because it’s a pastry, a distinction that has infuriated many a small child who wanted to get all of a pie’s drippy fruit filling.

Spoons are older than forks, because nature provides them. Where people live near the sea, sea shells are often used as spoons. Gourds and sections of bamboo have been used too, and spoons are easy to carve out of wood. In a few places, as among the Native Americans of the Pacific Northwest, the “spoon” might actually be almost flat, like a paddle, because its real use was to fish out solid bits of food for the honored guest.

In many parts of the world, people eat out of a communal plate and even take soup from a common bowl. Obviously, this poses a risk of spreading disease.

But people have ways of getting around that. In Central Asia, for instance, the soup spoon has a remarkably wide bowl— sometimes it looks like two bowls side by side— and etiquette requires that you scoop away from you into the common bowl of soup or yogurt. So the part of the spoon that goes into the soup is not the part that goes into your mouth. Clever. — By Charles Perry, 1999

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Email and Messaging Etiquette

Are you frustrated waiting for that response to your email? Are you whiling away the time by filling up on cocoa and cookies? — In 2015, Market Watch reported that the majority of people (52%) who send a work-related email, expect a reply within 12 and 24 hours, citing a survey of 1,500 people by MailTime.com, but 60% of people say they will wait two days to reply to their email.
—Photo source, Etiquipedia private library

Correspondence Course... 

Are Your E-Mails Sending the Wrong Message? 

So “You’ve Got Mail.” Do you have a headache too? If you find the pace of your correspondence a bit overwhelming, you are not alone. As the speed of business accelerates with the aid of new technology, so does the communication that goes with it. In the crush of e-mail, faxes and old-fashioned mail, many of us have taken to dashing off terse letters. Indeed, being curt even seems to be good etiquette, especially in electronic mail. But writing in shorthand can sometimes leave too much open to interpretation, so it’s important to carefully consider the few words you do use.

1. Write clearly and read clearly. If you do either in a rush, you are more likely to have a misunderstanding. Think about the reasons you are sending or receiving and keep them in mind as you deal with the correspondence.

2. Factor in cultural differences and personal styles. Business people in some countries demand pleasantries in communications; others prefer humility. Some people write long and some write short. Be aware.

3. Are you too nice in your writing? Make sure to keep things professional and get to the point quickly regardless of your audience.

4. Are you too mean in your writing? If you are, you probably don’t know it. But if you hear complaints that you don’t listen to feedback well or that your directives leave no room for discussion, then you may appear mean. If you intend to be authoritative, remember that negative approaches often engender negative responses.

5. Must you reply to everything? Again, know who you are corresponding with. Generally, FYIs or policy memos do not need a response. A “thank you for the information” is always a nice touch— especially if you have useful information to return.

6. Keep copies. At least for a short time.

7. Be aware that your correspondence may be shared. If more than one person may read your document or mail, you may want to reword it. — Los Angeles Times, 1998

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Antebellum Gents vs Parlor Snakes

The little book says, “At dinner, where the common household bread is used, it should never be cut less than an inch and a half thick. Rasped rolls are the most proper.” 

Fundamentals Remain the Same, But Strange Modifications Take Place in So-called Polite Behavior

Funny thing, etiquette! Some ways it changes most remarkably from generation; in other respects it remains the same down through the ages. From which one gathers that those points that remain ever the same contain some germ of the universal, while those that change with the seasons have to do with mere fashion. Which observations are stimulated by opening the covers of a little manual, dated 1848, and entitled “Etiquette for Gentlemen.” 

Back in 1848 you could tell a “gentleman” from a mere person. Now-a-days it isn’t so easy. The ante-bellum parlor snake, according to the picture on the cover of the little book, wore highwaisted trousers, with gaiter straps under his boots, a claw-hammer coat, an elaborate neckerchief and a shiny high beaver hat. One of the striking features of the little book, according to these free and easy times, is the chivalric deference assumed toward women. ’Tis said these courtesies were protective coloring for an Oriental attitude toward women, and upon the other hand, this view of the matter has been scouted by many. 

However, the little book says: “If you meet a lady acquaintance in the street, it is her part to notice you first, unless you are very intimate. The reasons are first, she is the superior; if you bow to a lady first, she may not choose to acknowledge you, and there is no remedy; but if she bow to you—you as a gentleman cannot cut her.’’ And again, in re introductions, “The inferior should always be introduced to the superior; the gentleman to the lady.’’ 

In the Ball Room 

Here is a little sentiment that might go well at dances of the present day. Almost any girl will tell you so. “If a lady should excuse herself from dancing when you have asked her, and you should immediately afterward see her dancing with another, do not take any unpleasant notice of it; the probability is that she preferred and expected to dance with someone better known and more highly favored, and not that she had any objection to you!’’ The present day youth gives the poor girl a “nasty look” upon similar occasions and ever afterward refuses to dance with the offending damsel. She has taken unwarranted liberty with the lordly male. 

Another quaint bit of instruction in ball room deportment is this: “If a lady waltz with you, beware not to press her waist; lightly touch it with the open palm of your hand, lest you leave a disagreeable impression, not only on her ceinture, but on her mind.” Times have certainly changed! Here is a style that many of the more juvenile hostesses have found sadly out of date with the lads: “If you have accepted an invitation, do not fail to keep it, unless for the most unavoidable reasons.” 

The Music Room 

“If you intend to sing, do not affect to refuse when asked, but at once accede.” “When a lady is going to the piano, if near her, rise and give her your arm; if you can read music, turn over the leaves for her at the proper time.’’ 

At Dinner 

This is still good, and applicable more times than you’d think: “Always feed yourself with the fork; a knife is only used as a divider. But if one tried this, for instance —! If what you are eating before dessert, has any liquid, sop the bread and then raise it to the mouth. For articles of dessert having liquid, a spoon is usually provided.’’ Noting this use for bread one readily sees why the little book says, “At dinner, where the common household bread is used, it should never be cut less than an inch and a half thick. Rasped rolls are the most proper.” 

Finger bowls were evidently new style and not everybody knew how to use them, hence the following: “Finger-glasses come on with the dessert; wet a corner of your napkin and wipe your mouth; then immerse your fingers in the water and dry them with the napkin—but on no account be guilty of the disgusting practice of gargling your mouth, and ejecting the water into the glass.” This valuable little hand book belonged to John M. French of Keokuk, Iowa., grandfather of E. A. French of the National Bank of Riverside. — Riverside Daily Press, 1922

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Dessert Spoon Etiquette and History

Dessert spoon rules — Use dessert spoons alone when eating ice cream, pots de crème, and other soft desserts, holding the spoon in the right hand. A dessert fork and spoon are used together when 2 utensils are needed. It’s nearly always done in the Continental style, except this is done with a fork and spoon as opposed to a fork and knife. The fork is held in the left hand with tines facing down, and the spoon is held in the right hand. The fork is used to hold or keep a dessert in place as the spoon cuts off small bites. This works well with desserts such as Baked Alaska or certain types of cakes. An exception to this rule is pie or cake, à la mode. These are both eaten with a dessert fork and spoon. The spoon is used to cut and then place a bite of cake or pie and a bit of ice cream on the fork, which is held in the right hand and used to eat the dessert.

How a Spoon Caused Confusion and Insult

The etiquette of eating was formerly simpler, because the number of table implements was smaller. Sir Charles Murray (born In 1806) states in his “Reminiscences” that dessert spoons were unknown in the days of his youth, and people scraped along very comfortably with only teaspoons and tablespoons. 

When dessert spoons were invented, Hamilton Place, the seat of Sir Charles’ uncle, was among the first households in Scotland to adopt them, and a small laird invited to dine there was both astonished and disgusted to find one of the new fashioned spoons handed to him with the sweets. “What for do you gie me this?” he inquired of the footman. “Do ye think ma mooth has got ony smaller since I lappit ma soup?” — London Chronicle, 1912

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Customs for Young Nigerian Women

A modern, Nigerian, Efik bride.
— Photo source, Pinterest

Where Fat Is a Mark of Beauty

Margaret Bassey Ene currently has one mission in life: gaining weight.

The Nigerian teenager has spent every day since early June in a “fattening room” specially set aside in her father’s mud-and-thatch house. Most of her waking hours are spent eating bowl after bowl of rice, yams, plantains, beans and gari, a porridge-like mixture of dried cassava and water.

After three more months of starchy diet and forced inactivity, Margaret will be ready to reenter society bearing the traditional mark of female beauty among her Efik people: fat.

In contrast to many Western cultures where thin is in, many culture-conscious people in the Efik and other communities in Nigeria’s southeastern Cross River state hail a woman’s rotundity as a sign of good health, prosperity and allure.

The fattening room is at the center of a centuries-old rite of passage from maidenhood to womanhood. The months spent in pursuit of poundage are supplemented by daily visits from elderly matrons who impart tips on how to be a successful wife and mother. Nowadays, though, girls who are not yet marriage-bound do a tour in the rooms purely as a coming-of-age ceremony. And sometimes, nursing mothers return to the rooms to put on more weight.

“The fattening room is like a kind of school where the girl is taught about motherhood,” said Sylvester Odey, director of the Cultural Center Board in Calabar, capital of Cross River state. “Your daily routine is to sleep, eat and grow fat.”

Like many traditional African customs, the fattening room is facing relentless pressure from Western influences. Health campaigns linking excess fat to heart disease and other illnesses are changing the eating habits of many Nigerians, and urban dwellers are opting out of the time-consuming process.

Effiong Okon Etim, an Efik village chief in the district of Akpabuyo, said some families cannot afford to constantly feed a daughter for more than a few months. That compares with a stay of up to two years, as was common earlier this century, he said.

But the practice continues partly because “people might laugh at you because you didn’t have money to allow your child to pass through the rite of passage,” Etim said. What’s more, many believe an unfattened girl will be sickly or unable to bear children.

Etim, 65, put his two daughters in a fattening room together when they were 12 and 15 years old, but some girls undergo the process as early as age 7, after undergoing the controversial practice of genital excision.

Bigger Is Better, According to Custom

As for how fat is fat enough, there is no set standard. But the unwritten rule is the bigger the better, said Mkoyo Edet, Etim’s sister.

“Beauty is in the weight,” said Edet, a woman in her 50s who spent three months in a fattening room when she was 7. “To be called a ‘slim princess’ is an abuse. The girl is fed constantly whether she likes it or not.”

In Margaret’s family, there was never any question that she would enter the fattening room.

“We inherited it from our forefathers; it is one of the heritages we must continue,” said Edet Essien Okon, 25, Margaret’s stepfather and a language and linguistics graduate of the University of Calabar. “It’s a good thing to do; it’s an initiation rite.”

His wife, Nkoyo Effiong, 27, agreed: “As a woman, I feel it is proper for me to put my daughter in there, so she can be educated.”

Effiong, a mother of five, spent four months in a fattening room at the age of 10.

Margaret, an attractive girl with a cheerful smile and hair plaited in fluffy bumps, needs only six months in the fattening room because she was already naturally plump, her stepfather said.

During the process, she is treated as a goddess, but the days are monotonous. To amuse herself, Margaret has only an instrument made out of a soda bottle with a hole in it, which she taps on her hand to play traditional tunes.

Still, the 16-year-old says she is enjoying the highly ritualized fattening practice.

“I’m very happy about this,” she said, her belly already distended over the waist of her loincloth. “I enjoy the food, except for gari.”

Day in, day out, Margaret must sit cross-legged on a special stool inside the secluded fattening room. When it is time to eat, she sits on the floor on a large, dried plantain leaf, which also serves as her bed. She washes down the mounds of food with huge pots of water and takes traditional medicine made from leaves and herbs to ensure proper digestion.

As part of the rite, Margaret’s face is decorated with a white, claylike chalk.

“You have to prepare the child so that if a man sees her, she will be attractive,” Chief Etim said.

Tufts of palm leaf fiber, braided and dyed red, are hung around Margaret’s neck and tied like bangles around her wrists and ankles. They are adjusted as she grows.

Typically, Margaret would receive body massages using the white chalk powder mixed with heavy red palm oil. But the teen said her parents believe the skin-softening, blood-stimulating massages might cause her to expand further than necessary.

Margaret is barred from doing her usual chores or any other strenuous physical activities. And she is forbidden to receive visitors, save for the half a dozen matrons who school Margaret in the etiquette of the Efik clan.

They teach her such basics as how to sit, walk and talk in front of her husband. And they impart wisdom about cleaning, sewing, child care and cooking--Efik women are known throughout Nigeria for their chicken pepper soup, pounded yams and other culinary creations.

“They advise me to keep calm and quiet, to eat the gari, and not to have many boyfriends so that I avoid unwanted pregnancy,” Margaret said of her matron teachers. “They say that unless you have passed through this, you will not be a full-grown woman.”

What little exercise Margaret gets comes in dance lessons. The matrons teach her the traditional ekombi, which she will be expected to perform before an audience on the day she emerges from seclusion--usually on the girl’s wedding day, Etim said.

But Okon said his aim is to prepare his stepdaughter for the future, not to marry her off immediately. Efik girls receive more education than girls in most parts of Nigeria, and Okon hopes Margaret will return to school and embark on a career as a seamstress before getting married.

Weddings Also Steeped in Tradition

Once she does wed, Margaret will probably honor southeastern Nigeria’s rich marriage tradition. It begins with a letter from the family of the groom to the family of the bride, explaining that “our son has seen a flower, a jewel, or something beautiful in your family, that we are interested in,” said Josephine Effah-Chukwuma, program officer for women and children at the Constitutional Rights Project, a law-oriented nongovernmental organization based in the Nigerian commercial capital of Lagos.

If the girl and her family consent, a meeting is arranged. The groom and his relatives arrive with alcoholic beverages, soft drinks and native brews, and the bride’s parents provide the food. The would-be bride’s name is never uttered, and the couple are not allowed to speak, but if all goes well, a date is set for handing over the dowry. On that occasion, the bride’s parents receive about $30 as a token of appreciation for their care of the young woman. “If you make the groom pay too much, it is like selling your daughter,” Effah-Chukwuma said. Then, more drinks are served, and the engagement is official.

On the day of the wedding, the bride sits on a specially built wooden throne, covered by an extravagantly decorated canopy. Maidens surround her as relatives bestow gifts such as pots, pans, brooms, plates, glasses, table covers--everything she will need to start her new home. During the festivities, the bride changes clothes three times.

The high point is the performance of the ekombi, in which the bride twists and twirls, shielded by maidens and resisting the advances of her husband. It is his task to break through the ring and claim his bride.

Traditionalists are glad that some wedding customs are thriving despite the onslaught of modernity.

Traditional weddings are much more prevalent in southeastern Nigeria than so-called white weddings, introduced by colonialists and conducted in a church or registry office.

“In order to be considered married, you have to be married in the traditional way,” said Maureen Okon, a woman of the Qua ethnic group who wed seven years ago but skipped the fattening room because she did not want to sacrifice the time. “Tradition identifies a people. It is important to keep up a culture. There is quite a bit of beauty in Efik and Qua marriages.” 

— By Ann M. Simmons, Times Staff Akpabuyo, Nigeria, 1998

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

1930’s Etiquette for PDA and More

A man never takes a woman’s arm, but offers his. It is definitely bad taste to walk arm in arm. I have always felt that any display of emotion in public was very poor taste.

Beware Showing Public Emotion

I THINK it was a man named Phelps who gave what is to me the almost perfect definition of etiquette. He said, “The essence of politeness consists in so conducting ourselves, in manner and word, that others may be pleased both with us and with themselves.” There are innumerable little tests of good manners that distinguish, the well-bred person in public. A truly polite person never calls attention to himself in any way, at any time. When he meets a friend, he does so quietly and graciously. He is cordial without being conspicuous. A gentleman offers his arm to an old lady or an invalid. He helps his companion to alight from a car, to step across a puddle, or in walking down dark stairs. 

A young man may offer to assist an older or infirm man in any of these instances without seeming forward. A man never takes a woman’s arm, but offers his. It is definitely bad taste to walk arm in arm. I have always felt that any display of emotion in public was very poor taste. I never punish my children before other people, neither do I allow them to “make scenes” in places where they will attract attention. This fashion of kissing upon meeting and leaving one’s friends, is particularly distasteful. If you start kissing people the second time you meet them, it is like eating your dessert before you finish the salad and entrée. It leaves you nothing to grow, to nothing to look forward to, in the development of your friendship. Kissing is something that should be kept for one’s family or dearest friends. When it is done promiscuously, it becomes meaningless. 

ANOTHER thing a really polite man or woman never does is to call attention to another person, particularly one inferior in any way. It often happens that we are brought in some way into contact with persons who are of another race, religion or merely another strata of society than ours. It is most rude to, in any way, make these people feel that they are any different than we are. One of my dearest friends is a young Englishwoman, born and raised in China. All of her former life was spent in what we would consider the lap of luxury. She was surrounded by servants and coolies to do her bidding. She was brought up to consider the Chinese coolies as lower than the dust. She still can not feel that the Chinese youth that we have here in San Francisco are any more than their parents in the old country —just servants. I have argued and tried to explain to no avail. She simply can not change her training! — By Deborah Ames, Calexico Chronicle, 1936

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

African Wedding Customs in Vogue

“Couples usually incorporate customs from various parts of the African continent, Onuorah said. The choice of what traditions to include is up to the couple and reflects their personal styles...”
— Photo source, Pinterest

Since the 1990’s, more African-Americans have been choosing traditional rituals and ethnic weddings, as an expression of their heritage.

African-American brides are abandoning something old, new, borrowed and blue for splashes of color, lavish detail, rich fabric and ornate embroidery.

Clothing is just part of a trend toward traditional African weddings among black couples who want to celebrate their racial pride and return to their heritage.

“We both studied black history in college and that was the deciding factor,” said Maisah Hill, a bride-to-be from Los Angeles. “We wanted to have a traditional African wedding to incorporate the things we learned about our heritage and our roots.”

“Although no one is keeping numbers, African weddings are definitely growing in popularity,” said Russell Adams, chairman of the African-American Studies Department at Howard University. “For some, it’s regarded as chic and fashionable. For others, it’s the culturally politically correct thing to do.”

Other ethnic groups in America have long reflected their heritage in their ceremonies. But there are several reasons why Western-style weddings remain the norm, said Dr. Erylene Piper-Mandy of the UC Riverside.

“There are numerous books out there— by Emily Post, Judith Martin and others— that will tell you about wedding etiquette; what you should do, what you should wear and who sits where,” said Piper-Mandy, who specializes in cultural anthropology and African-American studies.

“But for those couples who have traditional African weddings as an extension of what they believe, they will take the time to research and find alternative sources of information about their own customs.”

Piper-Mandy said African-Americans, unlike other ethnic groups, haven’t had as many traditional wedding ceremonies because few people were aware of the customs.

“The single most important reason why African-Americans have not followed their own traditional practice is because during slavery African-Americans were highly discouraged and even forbidden to practice African rituals,” she said.

The cost of a traditional African ceremony can be significantly less than a Western wedding. The primary savings is on the Victorian-style wedding gown, which can range from several hundred dollars to a few thousand dollars.

Instead of a white satin gown, flowing train and matching veil, an African-American bride might choose a four-piece gold brocade dress, draped around her body and accented with a flared head wrap. The gown can be bought or made for less than one would assume.

But as with any style of wedding, the costs can increase sharply depending on the number of guests and how elaborate the celebration. And an African wedding usually takes extensive--if not expensive--preparation.

Ancient customs varied, depending on tribal affiliation, religion and geography. Some customs were almost universal, however.

African ceremonies stressed that two families were being joined, not just two individuals. Other common customs: formally requesting permission from family elders and other relatives; pouring libations or paying respects to ancestors who have passed away; a bride price paid to her parents by the groom and lengthy celebrations and feasting after the ceremony.

Many rituals involved tasting honey and kola nuts to symbolize the sweet and bitter times; involving both families in the wedding processional, and using a drum and elaborately dressed dancers to mark the couple’s arrival or departure.

Planning a traditional African wedding is similar to a Western ceremony because the couple still may have attendants, receive gifts and even use a bridal registry service.

Most African-Americans can’t trace their family tree far enough to determine the specific tribe or ethnicity of their African forefathers, said Pat Onuorah, a Nigerian-born woman who sells authentic African attire.

Therefore, couples usually incorporate customs from various parts of the African continent, Onuorah said. The choice of what traditions to include is up to the couple and reflects their personal styles, she said.

“The important thing is not whether a particular practice comes from Nigeria or Senegal, from Zimbabwe or Egypt, but this it comes from Africa,” she said.

“That’s what shows that we recognize and appreciate our heritage.” — Published in the Los Angeles Times, 1992

Editor’s Note: The writer Lynnette Khalfani spent seven months planning her own traditional African wedding.

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette of D.C.’s Court Society

Official, fashionable functions in Washington have of late years, assumed much of the nature of court life at Old World capitals, and, to that extent, Washington society is officially “The Society” of the country.  For that reason, largely, many wealthy people of the United States are building palatial homes at the national capital, with the hope of getting admission into the official Four Hundred.The fact that the diplomatic corps contains many titled Europeans, and that the general social and diplomatic standing of the corps has been gradually rising of late years, through the evolution of young Ministers to Embassadorial rank, and the enlargement of their embassies, together with the desire, born not so many years ago, of leading diplomats of the world to serve at Washington, has tended to increase the importance of the capital's official society.

Young newspaper woman becomes Social Secretary to the wife of Vice President Fairbanks

One of the most important women in Washington to-day is Miss Margaret Wade, who has recently been appointed social secretary to Mrs. Fairbanks, wife of the Vice President. To those unfamiliar with social life at the national capital— and every year Washington is growing more and more to be the social center and inspiration of the country— such an announcement may seem strange, says the Philadelphia North American. One, however, has only to bear in mind the fact that official, fashionable functions in Washington have of late years, assumed much of the nature of court life at Old World capitals, and, to that extent, Washington society is officially “The Society” of the country.  

For that reason, largely, many wealthy people of the United States are building palatial homes at the national capital, with the hope of getting admission into the official Four Hundred. The fact that the diplomatic corps contains many titled Europeans, and that the general social and diplomatic standing of the corps has been gradually rising of late years, through the evolution of young Ministers to Embassadorial rank, and the enlargement of their embassies, together with the desire, born not so many years ago, of leading diplomats of the world to serve at Washington, has tended to increase the importance of the capital's official society. In this, naturally, the wife of the Vice President, next to the wife of the President, is the leader. These two women are arbiters, in a large degree, of the social fate of aspiring Washingtonians, and of people from other-parts of the country, who seek entree into “court life.”

Mrs. Fairbanks is expected to entertain considerably during the term of her husband. It is of vast importance, therefore, that social aspirants have their names upon her list, not only for the privilege and pleasure of attending the functions given by her, but because the stamp of her approval is necessary as a qualification to the ranks of official fashion. But, once in a generation has the Vice Presidency afforded to its occupant's wife the full privileges and social powers that attend the exalted position. For that reason alone, Mrs. Fairbanks has an exceptional opportunity before her. Many Washingtonians still remember with pleasure the quiet elegance of Mrs. Levi P. Morton's entertainments and the charming atmosphere of the Morton home.

For the short time during which she was the second lady of the land, Mrs. Garret A. Hobart worthily met all the traditions and responsibilities that centered about her position, but Vice President Hobart's career, was cut short by death. Mrs. Roosevelt was wife of a Vice President only about six months, and during the season of the year when social festivities are usually relaxed. Vice President Stevenson was not an elaborate entertainer. Mr. Hendricks, like Mr. Hobart, died in office. Vice President Arthur was a widower, but had there been a Mrs. Arthur, her social reign as a wife of the second highest official would have been almost the counterpart of Mrs. Roosevelt's experience. 

Upon Miss Wade, therefore, as social secretary to Mrs. Fairbanks, will devolve important duties that are almost without precedent within the memory of the present generation. In the first place, she must pass upon the eligibility of every aspirant to position upon Mrs. Fairbanks’ visiting list, because the wife of the Vice President will leave almost everything to her judgment. Miss Wade must, and does, thoroughly understand all the intricate questions of procedure and precedent. She knows who should be invited to various functions, how guests should be seated at table, and all the other niceties of “court life.” For, after all, even in republican America, official life at Washington is largely a replica of that at European courts.

This important and busy young lady is a native of Pennsylvania, having been born at Elizabethtown, in the northern part of Lancaster County. Ten years ago, she went to Washington and experienced splendid training for her present position as social editor of a leading capital newspaper for several years. She has also traveled extensively abroad, and is well acquainted with social etiquette in foreign countries. It is understood that Miss Wade has literary aspirations, and hopes in time to be able to devote herself to writing fiction. She is also intensely interested In the study of social economy, which accounts for her having been one of the few women jurors in that division at the Louisiana Purchase Exposition, where she served as secretary of the group dealing with the betterment of working women, of which the only other woman juror was the Countess of Aberdeen. — San Francisco Call, 1905

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Corporate World Etiquette Tips

It is inappropriate to break the roll in half, butter it and eat it. Instead, break off bite-size pieces, butter them and eat them one at a time. — Photo, Etiquipedia’s private library

Business Etiquette and the Rule of Twelve

1. Rolls and bread are one of the few foods that can be eaten with your fingers, even at a formal meal. However, it is inappropriate to break the roll in half, butter it and eat it. Instead, break off bite-size pieces, butter them and eat them one at a time. 
2. Don't use a toothpick. If something is stuck in your teeth, try drinking a little water. If that doesn't work, head for the restroom. 
3. Ice cubes are not an edible part of a drink. Don't chew on them. 
4. Men should always wear undershirts under dress shirts. When wearing an open collar, make sure it is buttoned high enough, or wear a V-neck undershirt so that it doesn't show. 
5. Women should choose earrings that are simple, yet elegant, and should only wear one pair at a time. Men shouldn't wear earrings at all. 
6. At a social function, name stickers or badges should always be worn about 4 inches down from the right shoulder. The idea is that people are already reaching for each other's right hand when being introduced, and having the badge on the right makes it easier to spot a person by name. 
7. Avoid sending a fax to offer congratulations, thanks or sympathy. And don't bother sending your resume by fax unless you don't want the job. 
8. To make a good first impression, follow the Rule of 12: the first 12 words you speak should include some form of thanks; the first 12 steps you take should exude confidence; the first 12 inches from the top of your head down should be impeccably groomed; the last 12 inches, from shoes up, should be very well maintained. — Santa Cruz Sentinel, 2002

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Dining Implements, Etiquette and More

“Here’s something your mother probably never warned you about: sauce knives. Looking like a flattened-out spoon, this tricky little utensil— also called a sauce spoon— sits with other knives on the right side of the plate, in wait to help drizzle sauce on, say, a bite of salmon that you’ve secured on your fish fork.” — Photo, Etiquipedia’s private library

The Ware and Tear of Formal Dining

Here’s something your mother probably never warned you about: sauce knives. Looking like a flattened-out spoon, this tricky little utensil— also called a sauce spoon— sits with other knives on the right side of the plate, in wait to help drizzle sauce on, say, a bite of salmon that you’ve secured on your fish fork.

If you can’t tell a fish fork from a pitchfork, take comfort in the fact that even the most cultured among us occasionally get flummoxed by an elegant table setting.

“Escargot clamps can be very challenging,” says Sean Loeffel, director of food and beverage at the Four Seasons Hotel, recalling the scene in “Pretty Woman” in which Julia Roberts accidentally catapults a garlicky mollusk across the room.

“I haven’t used an escargot clamp in probably 15 years,” he admits, “and I suspect there are many diners who would not be familiar with how to use it.”

Fortunately, even if you’re sitting down to a nine-course meal, you’ll probably only have to negotiate three courses’ worth of knives, forks and spoons at a time.

“Nine courses of silverware would be frightening, even for the most educated,” says Loeffel. “It also wouldn’t fit on the table. As a general rule, in order not to confuse the guest, servers never put out more than three courses of tableware at a time.”

Even so, as you sit down for that nine-course fete for, say, the queen mother herself, prepare to work your way through some 19 pieces of silverware over the course of the evening— or afternoon, when, according to the Tiffany sterling flatware catalog, you might come upon the afternoon teaspoon, as distinct from the teaspoon, ice cream spoon or coffee spoon.

But wait, there’s more. Those 19 pieces don’t include all the serving silverware shined up to parade past your table. Tiffany lists knives (cheese, bread, butter, cake), spoons (berry, sugar, salt, jelly, vegetable) and forks (lemon, olive and cold meat). Also making an appearance: ladles (gravy, punch and sauce), tongs (sugar, ice, asparagus), servers (flat, cheese, cake and butter) and possibly scissors (for grapes).

“Some chefs have a cunning sense of humor,” says Loeffel, who learned forks and spoons from his parents, who’d take him and his nine siblings out to breakfast— the least expensive restaurant meal— in order to teach table manners. “You’ll have a course where normally you’d use a knife and fork, and now some chefs are starting to serve a spoon with it as well, so the guest doesn’t miss out on the leftover sauce.”

And how would you know to use a spoon with your sauce? When in doubt, watch your host, says Loeffel. “We just did a luncheon where we served a coupe dish [that’s a sort of football-shaped, high-sided bowl for foods with hot sauces] and a spoon with it,” he says. “Everyone had their eye on the host so they knew what to do.”

In addition to keeping an eye on your host, other rules of culinary propriety include:

Work from the outside in. What your mother did tell you about silverware still applies. Start with the outside utensil and work your way in. The most common mistake is for diners to get rattled by the number of pieces of flatware and reach instinctively for the utensil closest to the plate. Don’t worry about the forks and spoons placed above your plate. They’re for dessert.

Knives and forks dine together. Even those secure in the knowledge that one should work from the outside in may still find it disconcerting to see seven pieces of silverware at their command. Know that for every fork at your place setting, you’ll also have a corresponding knife to your right. The spoon with the round bowl is most likely for soup (there are, however, different kinds of spoons depending on whether you’re served a cream soup [larger spoon] or bouillon). Pasta is often served with a fork and spoon to work that angel hair into a manageable bite.

Although Loeffel was brought up in the American style of putting the knife down and switching the fork to the right hand after cutting a piece of food, he says it is more correct to hold the knife and fork at the same time, one in each hand, as the Europeans do. “It makes more sense,” he says.

When you’re done with a course, place the knife and fork, handles facing out, at the 3 o’clock position on your plate. This will tell the server that you have finished eating.

Covet not thy neighbor’s bread plate. Or water glass. Or coffee cup. The bread plate is always to the left of a place setting. Glassware— water, wine, coffee cups and saucers— is always to the right.

According to Jill Cross, director of catering for the Beverly Hilton Hotel, one of the most common mistakes is for diners at a round table to assume control of the bread plate to their right instead of their rightful bread plate to the left. What happens next might best be termed a dining domino effect as everyone else at the table is forced to take the bread plate to their right. Unless, of course, a diner on the other side of the table has already staked out one to the left, which leaves someone without a bread plate altogether.

Another common dilemma: how to get butter from point A, the butter dish, to point B, your bread. Use the butter knife to retrieve a pat of butter as the dish is passed around the table. Place the butter on your bread plate, return the butter knife to the dish, then use your own knife to spread butter on your bread.

And if you do find yourself drawn into the who’s-got-my-bread-plate controversy, “adjust,” says Loeffel. “It’s not worth anyone getting embarrassed over it. Also, any server worth his weight will notice what’s happening and will adjust for you by bringing new silverware or another bread plate.” At their best, rules of table etiquette are designed for clarity, not one-upmanship. Consider, for example, the story credited to Queen Victoria, who, upon seeing an unsuspecting dinner guest pick up his finger bowl and drink from it, raised her own finger bowl to her lips and also drank. Taking her lead, the rest of the guests joined her.

And they all lived happily, perhaps not ever after, but at least through the dessert course. — By Debra Hotaling, Special to the Times, 1998

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Contagious Diseases

They are kind of cute! — “Why don’t the contagious among us stay home or wear those cute little paper nose and mouth covers or at least feel bad about putting the rest of us at risk of sharing their misery? More people died in the post-World War I influenza epidemic than died in the war. Garden variety flu germs can be life-threatening to the elderly or those with vulnerable respiratory systems.”
— Photo, Etiquipedia’s private library

In 1998, the State of California banned indoor smoking in many public places, much to the delight of non-smokers and those suffering from respiratory problems. A law professor from UC Berkley wrote the following article, which appeared in the Los Angeles Times. The importance of respiratory etiquette that the professor outlined is timely, considering the world continues to deal with Covid-19 and our normal “cold and flu season” is nearly upon us.

Thank You for Not Sneezing

California’s assault on secondhand smoke reached its historic high this New Year’s, when even indoor areas in bars and casinos became smoke-free by force of law. The rules on smoke exposure have taken a 180-degree turn in less than a generation. In the United States of my youth, every citizen was hostage to other people’s cigarettes in airplanes, in offices and in almost every other public space. Now the indoor areas of public life are all nonsmoking zones— an inconvenience for the 25% of adults who smoke, but a benefit of large proportions to the respiratory systems of the 75% who do not.

But even smoke-free California is not a safe place to take your lungs to the office, on a bus or anywhere else in public. In this the season of cold and flu, the greatest hazard of appearing in public is not tobacco smoke, but rather contagious disease. And strangers who would not dream of blowing smoke in your face seem happy enough about coughing and sneezing whenever they see you coming.

Isn’t there a double standard here, when the same folks prohibited from smoking in my office building can sneeze me home for a week of hell with the reigning bacterium of the season? Why don’t the contagious among us stay home or wear those cute little paper nose and mouth covers or at least feel bad about putting the rest of us at risk of sharing their misery?

Could it be that the analogy between secondhand smoke and free-flying germs is farfetched because tobacco is deadly while colds are merely inconvenient? Nonsense. More people died in the post-World War I influenza epidemic than died in the war. Garden variety flu germs can be life-threatening to the elderly or those with vulnerable respiratory systems, a much quicker and much clearer threat than the statistical associations and 30-year time lags that constitute the case against environmental tobacco smoke. And anyone who thinks that this year’s killer colds are merely inconvenient does not have one. The only larger harm a stranger can inflict requires a deadly weapon.

Is the difference between environmental smoke and environmental germs the fact that there is no way to protect against disease contagion that is as simple as not smoking? But what if sick people stay home or cover their mouths? I am sure it is a burden to take such precautions, but isn’t the whole point of our smoking restrictions to impose the inconvenience on those who would otherwise cause harm?

Perhaps the difference is that potential victims can defend themselves more easily from public germs than from secondhand smoke. There are, after all, flu shots to be had every fall. But not all flu bugs respond to the shots available. And if anybody ever finds a vaccine that protects against colds, the financial rewards will make Bill Gates seem middle class. The only way to avoid the urban germ highway is to live alone and stay home all winter.

I’m not advocating passing a law that requires germ-free public spaces. But two smaller lessons do come from the contrasting treatment of germs and cigarettes. The first lesson is that what we tolerate in public is much more a matter of particular social expectation than scientific studies. The French read scientific journals just as assiduously as do Americans, yet the average French café contains more smoke than a forest fire. You are more likely to encounter a face full of tobacco smoke if you go to Japan this year than you would in Los Angeles. But you will also notice hundreds of people on the subway in Japan who wear paper masks to avoid spreading contagious disease that they carry. Which culture is more considerate depends on the particular subject of the inquiry. The standard for what is polite in public varies tremendously from one social setting to another.

Now for the optimistic lesson. If the social customs concerning secondhand smoke can change over time, maybe there is hope for some controls on germs as well. What we need is not a law, but an etiquette of contagious disease. Perhaps the near future can bring us to a standard where we expect more effort from ourselves and one another to avoid multiplying the bacterial miseries of our winters. — Franklin E. Zimring, U.C. Berkley, 1998

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Luncheon Party Etiquette

The size of the party naturally regulates the extent of the menu as regards quantity. The style of luncheon given is very much the same in most houses, save where men cooks are kept and plain dishes are out of the question. At ordinary luncheons, a cold entree of salmon or chicken precedes a roast, or two hot roasts, or a hot entrée and a roast. Two sweets, one hot and one cold, seldom a savory cheese taking its place. Fruit is now invariably given; sometimes it is eaten before the cold entrée, but this only as regards melon. 

 — Photo source, Etiquipedia’s private library 

Rules for Simple Luncheons

THERE is no easier mode of entertaining guests than by asking them to luncheon, and, it may be said, none pleasanter. Luncheon commends itself to a hostess in various ways and to guests also under certain conditions. There is a slight difference between giving a luncheon party and asking two or three people to luncheon. For the former, a notice of a week to ten days is given — for the latter, two days, or even one day suffices, if verbally given. 

When an invitation is given by note, it is as imperative to answer it by return of post, as it would be were it a diner invitation, and having made such an engagement, it is necessary to keep it, be the weather wet or dry, fair or foul. It may be noticed the non-dinner givers are those who give set luncheon parties, and the dinner givers give the almost impromptu invitations to two or three of their neighbors on each occasion. 

The luncheon parties are rather formal: three of a family are invited—father, mother and daughter; two families, perhaps, and three or four from different households, making a party of twelve, including host and hostess. There is a tendency at these gatherings to follow dinner etiquette and to go in arm in arm, more particularly on the part of elderly people. At all luncheon parties, large or small, the ladies should go in first together, followed by the men. The hostess should either walk by the side of the lady of highest rank, or, if she is acquainted with the house she leads the way, the hostess follows last and all the ladies precede her. 

The size of the party naturally regulates the extent of the menu as regards quantity. The style of luncheon given is very much the same in most houses, save where men cooks are kept and plain dishes are out of the question. At ordinary luncheons, a cold entree of salmon or chicken precedes a roast, or two hot roasts, or a hot entrée and a roast. Two sweets, one hot and one cold, seldom a savory cheese taking its place. Fruit is now invariably given; sometimes it is eaten before the cold entrée, but this only as regards melon. 

Name cards are not used at luncheon, except at very large parties, when to tell them where to sit would occupy too much time. The places of honor are, of course, at the right and left hand of the host, and the left and right of the hostess, and these are given to the guests according to the precedency due to them. Ladies are, as a rule, in the majority to a great extent, and when a host is not present the place of honor is by the side of the hostess, unless her son or brother acts as host. — Los Angeles Herald, 1904

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Mid-20th C. Dinner Date Etiquette

Her date must have been very polite! The young woman in this 1948 Gorham sterling advertisement is celebrating her engagement with this dinner. — “According to masculine squawks, too many women forget that a man does the honors when he takes a lady guest out to dine. A man not only orders a restaurant meal for his guest, but he relays to the waiter any questions she wishes to ask concerning the food listed on the menu.”  
— Photo source, Etiquipedia’s private library
 

A Good Date Has Manners 

The young miss who is taken out by an escort for the first time to dine, is reminded that it is the gentleman’s prerogative to order for her. Although this piece of advice is directed to the youngster, there are older women who might also profit by the tip.  

According to masculine squawks, too many women forget that a man does the honors when he takes a lady guest out to dine. A man not only orders a restaurant meal for his guest, but he relays to the waiter any questions she wishes to ask concerning the food listed on the menu.  

Don't belittle masculine chivalry by violating these rules of etiquette. Etiquette also decrees that a man calls out the address to the driver when he accompanies a woman in a taxi. Even if you know the address and your boy friend doesn't you permit him to exercise his masculine prerogative by telling him where you are going and allowing him in turn to inform the cabby. — San Bernardino Sun, 1948

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the  Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Greek Dining Etiquette History

The handshake is a gesture from the Ancient Greeks — “Certainly no rigid etiquette prevented practical jokes of a serious kind. We read in Plautus of an unfortunate parasite having a pot full of ashes flung at his head at dinner, for no other purpose than to raise a general laugh against turn. Some anecdotes are told which confirm this view.”
—Photo source, Pinterest 

The Greeks at Table

A strange custom prevailed with the Greeks and the Romans, of the gaests carrying away with them the viands that remained uneaten. Martial has an extremely witty epigram on this; but the drollest account of it is in the “Symposium” of Lucian. The party consisted of learned and dignified philosophers whom, of course, the author intends to satirize. Up to a certain point the remnants were fairly divided, but unfortunately one chicken more plump than the rest, attracted the attention of one of the party who had no just claim to it. The proper owner would not let go, so they both tugged at it; a general tumult ensued and the guests grasped the birds by the legs and hit each other in the face with them, pulled beards, shouted and pelted with cups. That such scenes really took place at the dinners given to Roman clients is seriously affirmed by ‘Juvenal’ and in one of the satiric plays of Aeschylus, a guest complains that a certain vessel was broken over his head, “by no means as fragrant as a pot of spikenard.” 

Indeed, it would be a rather curious inquiry how far drunkenness was sottishness or mere excitement, for it is obvious that such a term is but relative, and it is likely enough that the Greek temperament was easily roused to fury by a very small amount of alcohol. Certainly no rigid etiquette prevented practical jokes of a serious kind. We read in Plautus of an unfortunate parasite having a pot full of ashes flung at his head at dinner, for no other purpose than to raise a general laugh against him. Some anecdotes are told which confirm this view. One Philoxenus, a a poet of Cythera, was dining with Dionysius. Observing a small mullet served on his plate, but a large one on that of the host, he took the cooked fish in his hands and applied it to his ear. “What are you doing?” asked the host. “ I am writing a poem entitled ‘Galatea,’ and I want to learn from this fish something about Nerene! But it says it was caught too young, whereas the big fish on your plate followed in Nereus’ train and knows all about him.” The host laughed, and ordered the fishes to be exchanged. 

A certain Spartan was dining at a table on which sea-urchins were served. He took one, and not knowing how to manipulate it, put it into his mouth and crunched it shell and all. After making a wry face over it, he exclaimed, with true Spartan bravery, “ Filthy eating! I am not going to turn a coward and give you up now, and I shan’t take you any more!” Rather a neat repartee is recorded of one Philoxenus, a parasite. Observing that the host supplied black bread, he quietly said, “ Don’t put on any more of that or you will make the room dark.” Another seeing an entree that was being carried ‘round stop at the host inquired, “Am I tipsy or is it a fancy of mine that these things are going round ?” The extraordinary fondness of both the Greeks and Romans for almost every kind of fish is well known. 

In the time of the Emperor Tiberius, says Athenaeus, lived one Apicius, a wealthy gourmand. He was particularly fond of prawns, and used to live at Minturnae, on the shore of Campania, for the sake of these crustaceans, for which he paid large sums as they are there very large. Hearing that still bigger prawns were caught off the coast of Libya, he sailed thither without waiting a single day for fine weather. Arriving after a bad voyage, he was visited by fishermen who had somehow heard of his object and brought to him their finest prawns. “Are these the very largest?” he asked. “Have you none larger?” On their replying in the negative he exclaimed, “Captain! back to Italy directly; and mind! don’t lose time by touching land!” The Eastern custom of reclining at meals on sofas or divans was almost universal with both Greeks and Romans, and this is generally represented on the Greek vases, though sometimes the guests are seen sitting. “ The heroes,’’ says Athenaeus, “ sit at the banquets, and do not recline.” The sofa soon became an important article of furniture, and a great deal of art and ornament was expended upon it, as well as on the tapestry coverings. — Placer Herald, 1881

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Victoria’s Drawing Room

Above, a dress featuring the “en coeur neckline.” Good luck in getting that doctor’s note!  — “... from some remarks which we have lately heard, people do not seem to be aware that bodices cut either square, or en coeur, are not considered full dress, and that ladies presenting themselves at a drawing room so attired, will be denied admission, unless provided with a special permission from the Lord Chamberlain’s office, to obtain which a doctor’s certificate of the impossibility of the lady in question wearing a low dress with safety, is imperatively necessary.”
— Photo source, Pinterest 

The drawing-rooms for the season will soon be announced, says the ‘London Queen,’ and those who have never yet attended one, but propose doing so, may be glad of a few hints on the etiquette of the occasion. It is whispered, whether on good authority or not, we cannot say, that, in consequence of the crowded state of the drawing-room held after Easter last season, more receptions are to be held this year. Usually there are three drawing-rooms— two before Easter and one after. It is curious that people who really ought to know better, will continue to talk of the birthday drawing-room, the fact being that no such reception has been held since the lamentable death of the Prince Consort. At the birthday drawing-room, no presentations could take place, and no one could appear in mourning ; those who attended it were supposed to be desirous of congratulating the Sovereign on the auspicious occasion. All the drawing-rooms now held, are presentation drawing-rooms, and it is with the etiquette ot these that we are principally concerned.


Presentation


The lady wishing to be presented must first find a lady willing to present her, and also to attend the drawing room at which she wishes to be presented, for although it is by no means necessary that the two ladies should pass at the same time, or even that they should meet, it is absolutely de rigueur that a lady who presents another should attend the drawing-room. This preliminary being arranged, the presenter gives her friend a note addressed to the Lord Chamberlain, adding her intention of attending a certain drawing-room and of presenting Mrs. Jones. This note, Mrs. Jones leaves at the Lord Chamberlain’s office, at least two clear days before the drawing-room, accompanied by a large card on which is legibly written, “Mrs. Jones, presented by Lady Brown;” or, “Mrs. Jones, presented on her marriage by Lady Brown.” From the Lord Chamberlain’s office she receives, an application, two pink presentation cards, on which “Presentation” is marked in large letters. These she takes to the palace with her, giving one to the page in waiting at the corridor at the top of the grand staircase, and reserving the other to be given at the door of the presence chamber, where it is handed from one official to another till it reaches tbe Lord Chamberlain, who announces the name to the Queen. Care should be taken by the lady to write her own name and also that of the lady presenting her, very legibly, so that there may be no danger of mistakes. In the case of the presentation of a bride, it is usual for her to be presented by her husband’s mother, sister, or some other member of his family, if possible and convenient ; but this is a matter of taste, not of necessity.


On Presentation Dresses


Presentation dresses for brides and young girls should be entirely white, no further color being allowable than blush roses or apple blossoms ; but this rule is not arbitrary for more elderly ladies, indeed, it would look rather absurd in the case of a mother who is herself presented, and then presents her daughters on the same occasion. One word here as to the feathers, which form an essential part of the court-dress. A fashion has been gaining ground of late years, of having these plumes to match the color of the toilet, and they are certainly very pretty and far more becoming than the orthodox white feathers, which are somewhat trying to any but the most delicate complexions. Still, we are able to say on excellent authority, that these colored plumes are regarded with much disfavor in the very biggest quarters, where they are considered as a departure from the strict etiquette of court costumes, which imperatively demand white feathers. Also, from some remarks which we have lately heard, people do not seem to be aware that bodices cut either square, or en coeur, are not considered full dress, and that ladies presenting themselves at a drawing room so attired, will be denied admission, unless provided with a special permission from the Lord Chamberlain’s office, to obtain which a doctor’s certificate of the impossibility of the lady in question wearing a low dress with safety, is imperatively necessary.


On Entering the Palace


Ladies cross the ball to a large cloak room, where all wraps are deposited, and then, ascending the staircase and passing along the couridor, enter the ball-room, which is the first of the suite of reception rooms. The room nearest to the presence chamber is reserved for those having the privilege of the entree, such as the diplomatic corps, members of the present and former governments, the great Officers of State, members of the household, Queen's aids-de-camp, and others. As each room fills, the doors are closed by a bar, presided over by two of the gentle-men-at-arms, so as to prevent undue crowding; and as each apartment empties those in the next room are admitted to it. The last room is separated from the present chamber by the width of the picture gallery, and while crossing this, the ladies’ trains are spread out by the attendants in waiting. If her Majesty is present, the lady about to be presented should take off her right-handed glove before reaching the presence chamber, as it is on that hand that her Majesty places hers, for the lady to kiss.


On Peeress or Peer’s Daughter


Her Majesty kisses her on the cheek. If the Queen is not present there is no kissing on hands. In either case, a low courtesy must be made to each member of the Royal family present as the lady passes. To do this gracefully requires some dexterity, as very little time is allowed, and the train is taken up and thrown over the arm almost before the requisite number of reverences are completed.— Telegraphic Sparks, 1875

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia