For the Socially Scared Stiff

Helpful etiquette book suggestions for California college co-eds of 1936 -
Barker, Mary P.: “The Technique of Good Manners.” A guide to the “how and when” of efficient living. Gives common failings and suggestions for self improvement. Written especially for men. Barker, Mary P.: “Good Manners for Young Women.”  A similar guide for women, Post, Emily: “Etiquette.” The blue book of social usage.

For Scared Stiff Aggies

One goes to school not only to learn the three R's, but to prepare for contacts with one's fellowmen. In order that one may be an effi- cient social unit it is necessary to know the rules of etiquette, or good manners. Are you ever in doubt how to answer that certain invitation; how to sign your name to a letter? Are you one of those shy, self-conscious persons who are “scared stiff” every time you are introduced? Social life is a game with definite rules. Why not start now to learn the “do's”and the “don'ts”? 

The following books will help you:

Pierce, Beatrice: “It's More Fun When You Know the Rules.” Etiquette problems for girls. Very cleverly written. Simple explanations of correct etiquette for ordinary occasions of a girl's life. Partial contents: People judge you by your table manners; entertaining with the all-important problem of refreshments; looking your best; how well do you talk? when you go traveling; here comes the bridesmaid.

Eldridge, Elizabeth: “Co-ediquette.” Poise and popularity for every girl. Advice on clothes, rushing, dates, dances, football games, campus politics, conduct in dormitories, and many other phases of college life. Written in a lively, informal style. 

Hadida, Sophie C.: “Manners for Millions.” Correct code of pleasing habits for everyday men and women. See yourself in caricature.

Stevens, Wm. Oliver: “The Correct Thing.” A guidebook of etiquette for young men. Much good advice packed into a little book of 150 pages. Contains chapters on sports, making speeches, college fraternities and applying for work, in addition to the usual ones on table manners, letter writing, etc. 

Barker, Mary P.: “The Technique of Good Manners.” A guide to the “how and when” of efficient living. Gives common failings and suggestions for self improvement. Written especially for men. Barker, Mary P.: “Good Manners for Young Women.” 

A similar guide for women, Post, Emily: “Etiquette.” The blue book of social usage. -California Aggie, 1936 

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Canine Etiquette

When talking canine etiquette, we’re not speaking of anything quite this formal!

In their relations with one another dogs have a keen sense of etiquette. A well known traveler makes this unexpected remark about a naked, native tribe of men living on one of the south sea islands: “In their everyday intercourse there is much that is stiff, formal and precise.” Almost the same remark might be made about dogs. Unless they are on very intimate terms they take great pains never to brush against or even to touch one another. 

For one dog to step over another is a dangerous breach of etiquette unless they are special friends. It is no uncommon thing for two dogs to belong to the same person and live in the same house and yet never take the slightest notice of each other. We have a spaniel so dignified that he will never permit another member of the dog family to pillow his head upon him; but, with the egotism of a true aristocrat, he does not hesitate to make use of the other dogs for that purpose.-Henry C. Merwin in The Atlantic, 1910

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Using Last Names

Why We Should Use Last Names in
Professional and Social Settings

Image Source: gabrieltf; "Through glass group of positive diverse colleagues.", 2026. Accessed via https://www.123RF.com/photo_202464213, Standard License.

Over the past quarter-century, something fundamental has shifted in how Americans address one another. The decision to use last names has become increasingly rare, replaced by an immediate first-name basis that many find presumptuous. Walk into a doctor's office, meet a service provider, or introduce yourself to a colleague, and you'll likely hear your first name used within seconds of meeting. For many people raised with different standards of formality, this casual approach feels less like friendliness and more like a breach of etiquette.

Commander Adam Benson, a retired Naval officer, articulates what many feel but struggle to express: the erosion of formal address represents more than a simple change in linguistic habit. It reflects a broader shift in how we signal respect, maintain boundaries, and navigate social hierarchies in professional and casual settings alike.

The Social Function of Formal Address

The practice to use last names with honorifics serves several important social functions that immediate first-name basis interactions cannot replicate.

When you use last names, you create a respectful distance that allows relationships to develop naturally. Addressing someone as "Mr. Rodriguez," "Ms. Nelson," or "Dr. Chen" acknowledges that intimacy is earned rather than assumed. This distance isn't coldness; it's consideration. It recognizes that trust, familiarity, and affection grow over time through shared experiences and mutual regard.

To use last names also demonstrates basic respect for another person's station, accomplishments, and dignity. A judge who has spent decades serving the legal system, a professor who has earned advanced degrees, or simply an adult who deserves recognition as such — all merit the small courtesy of formal address until they invite otherwise.

Perhaps most importantly, the permission to use someone's first name becomes meaningful precisely because it isn't automatic. When we consistently use last names initially, the invitation to "Please, call me Jennifer" becomes a genuine gesture of warmth and welcome rather than a meaningless default.

When Society Stopped Using Last Names: A Generational Shift

Those who came of age in earlier decades learned a clear protocol: use last names and appropriate honorifics with adults and new acquaintances until invited to do otherwise. This wasn't stiffness or snobbery; it was simply how respect was demonstrated across generations and between people of different levels of familiarity.

Today's prevailing culture champions informality as a sign of openness and egalitarianism. The thinking goes that first names break down barriers, create friendly atmospheres, and prevent stuffy hierarchies from taking root. While genuine warmth certainly matters, informality imposed without choice isn't really egalitarian at all.

When the new contractor at your home launches immediately into calling you by your first name, or when a teenager addresses an adult they've just met as "Steve" rather than "Mr. Thompson," they may simply be oblivious to the preferences and comfort levels of others. The choice not to use last names becomes presumptuous when made unilaterally.

How to Use Last Names in Today's Informal Culture

How can those who prefer to use last names navigate today's first-name-default culture without seeming standoffish or outdated?

Commander Benson offers a practical example. While technically entitled to be addressed by his military rank, he accepts "Mr. Benson" as meeting the basic level of respect he seeks. This represents a reasonable compromise — maintaining formality without insisting on every ceremonial nicety.

When meeting new people, model the behavior you'd like to see. Introduce yourself with your full name and use last names for others until they indicate their preference. If someone immediately uses your first name, you might gently say, "I prefer Mr. Benson, at least until we know each other better." Most people, when clearly informed of a preference, will honor it.

In professional settings, defaulting to the practice to use last names remains especially appropriate. Business introductions, client relationships, and workplace hierarchies all benefit from the clarity and respect that formal address provides.

Teaching Children to Use Last Names

Another concern about immediate first-name usage involves children addressing adults. Unless an adult explicitly requests to be called by their first name, teaching children to use last names with appropriate titles instills several valuable lessons.

When children learn to use last names — "Mr. Lee," "Ms. Gupta," "Dr. Patterson" — they develop respect for elders, awareness that different contexts call for different behaviors, and understanding that not all relationships operate on the same level of familiarity. These aren't antiquated notions; they're building blocks of social intelligence that serve young people well throughout their lives.

Parents and educators who teach children to use last names when addressing adults give them a significant advantage in navigating formal settings, job interviews, academic environments, and professional relationships as they mature.

The Professional Advantage of Using Last Names

In business contexts, the decision to use last names can convey professionalism, respect, and appropriate boundaries. When meeting clients, potential employers, or senior colleagues for the first time, choosing to use last names demonstrates social awareness and respect for hierarchy and experience.

Many professionals find that when they use last names initially, they're taken more seriously and establish credibility more quickly. The transition to first names can then occur naturally as working relationships develop, making that shift meaningful rather than assumed.

Use Last Names to Preserve Choice and Respect

The practice to use last names need not represent stuffiness or social rigidity. At its best, formal address is a gift we give others: the acknowledgment that their comfort, dignity, and preferences matter. In a culture that increasingly defaults to immediate informality, maintaining the option to use last names preserves choice, respects boundaries, and allows the transition to first names to carry genuine meaning when it comes.

Whether you're navigating professional introductions, teaching children proper etiquette, or simply trying to show respect in daily interactions, the choice to use last names offers a time-tested tool for demonstrating consideration and building relationships on solid foundations of mutual respect.

 Contributor, Candace Smith is a retired, national award-winning secondary school educator, Candace Smith teaches university students and professionals the soft skills of etiquette and protocol. She found these skills necessary in her own life after her husband received international recognition in 2002. Plunged into a new “normal” of travel and formal social gatherings with global leaders, she discovered how uncomfortable she was in many important social situations. After extensive training in etiquette and protocol, Candace realized a markedly increased confidence level in meeting and greeting and dining skills and was inspired to share these skills that will help others gain comfort and confidence in dining and networking situations. Learn more at http://www.candacesmithetiquette.com/

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia  

Fraternity “Smoker” Stressed Manners

           
   Director Howard mentioned the advantages of fraternities especially in the training it could give the student in regard to social matters of etiquette, development of self-confidence and poise, personality, and with regards to leadership. He stressed the need of leadership in a fraternity if it is to continue to be a worthwhile organization on the campus.– 1932 Cigarette advertisement

Smoker Enjoyed by Fraternity Members 

The second annual Inter-fraternity smoker held Monday night in the classroom building auditorium was a very enthusiastic and successful event. Gene Crump, chairman of the event, acted as master of ceremonies. The smoker was opened with the distributing of cigarettes among those present, after which competitive singing between the fraternities was held.

Heinte Sevier gave the first talk of the evening. He urged the fraternities to continue to cooperate with each other as much as possible, because in this way a much stronger campus spirit as well as closer relationship between the organizations could be built up.

Two exhibition boxing bouts and a wrestling match followed Heinle's remarks, Presentation of the Inter-fraternity basketball trophy to Herb Cannon, coach and player of the championship Philo Delphos team, was made by Milton Tavernetti, Inter-fraternity council president.

The principal speaker of the evening was Director Howard, who talked on the advantages and duties of fraternities. He mentioned the advantages of fraternities especially in the training it could give the student in regard to social matters of etiquette, development of self-confidence and poise, personality, and with regards to leadership. He stressed the need of leadership in a fraternity if it is to continue to be a worthwhile organization on the campus. Dr. Howard stated that the fraternitles on this campus are much more democratic than those at larger institutions and therefore more students are given the privilege to enjoy the advantages of fraternity affiliations. 

He gave a brief history of the fraternities on this campus and mentioned a few prominent alumni members of each. He also urged the organizations to keep the alumni as interested as possible as they have much to do with the success or failure of a fraternity. Dr. Howard concluded his talk by mentioning a few of the fraternitiy members attending the college here and told a few of their characteristics.

President Tavernetti told a little about the scholarship trophy awarded each semester to the fraternity having the highest scholastic average. He then presented the cup to James Denny, president of the Alpha Gamma Rho fraternity. This is the fourth consecutive semester that the organization has won the coveted trophy.

Fred Abbott was called upon to give the closing talk of the evening. He told of the duties of a fraternity to the individual and the college. He urged the houses to cooperate to the fullest extent in campus activities and to have all the members and pledges know the heads of the various departments on the campus. He pointed out that the first duty of a fraternity is to its college. 

He stated that local traditions are an important factor in college life and urged that they be enforced. Abbott urged the fraternities to continue to cooperate with each other and to hold their inter-fraternity contests each year, as it helps create a friendly spirit among the members which in turn is reflected on the campus.

The smoker was closed with the singing of college songs and cheering led by chief yell leader Dave Mari and Mel Baumgarten, one of his assistants. Refreshments were served after the smoker. This affair has come to be a very important one on the campus and it should be carried on each year. — California Aggie, 1932

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Spotlight on Elena Gavrilina-Fujiyama

 

Meet our Contributor in the Spotlight for March 2025, Elena Gavrilina-Fujiyama

Elena is a specialist in Japanese protocol and etiquette, and European social etiquette. The founder of the project Etiquette748, Elena is also a member of the National Association Specialist of Protocol. She authored the best-selling book “Japanese Etiquette: Ancient Traditions and Modern Rules” after living in Japan for over 20 years.

Below are links to Elena Gavrilina-Fujiyama’s articles on etiquette which you’ll find on Etiquipedia:

• Etiquette of Banknotes in Japan
• Gift Etiquette in Japan 
• Japanese Picnic Etiquette and History

The following is a Q. & A. with Elena Gavrilina-Fujiyama:

What was the impetus for starting your Etiquette business or career involving Etiquette?
I have always been interested in the traditions of different countries, especially in the East. While working at the Institute of Asian and African Countries of Moscow State University (named after M.V. Lomonosov), I was lucky enough to take part in the organization of international conferences and meetings, as well as participating in international conferences and internships in Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, China and Japan. It was from studying the history and culture of Eastern countries that my interest in the rules of Eastern etiquette began, which ultimately led me to my current profession. After graduating from Waseda University, I work for an international company in Tokyo. I play golf, study Japanese calligraphy. Both hobbies are related to culture, tradition of respect, politeness, observance of rules of etiquette and showing consideration for other people.

I studied European etiquette, visiting the UK for this purpose, where I studied at Debrett’s Academy (London) and International Social etiquette consultant (The International Etiquette and Protocol Academy of London), where I received the Trainer certificate. I also studied European etiquette in France and Italy in 2014. Those studies  were with my friend Kseniia, we created a page on Facebook, “Etiquette 748”, and on other social media networks. 

For 10 years now, every week I have been writing an article on etiquette in Japan. During this time, I wrote more than 500 articles on the topic of etiquette and protocol. Most of the articles were devoted to Japan. In 2020, my book “Japanese Etiquette: Ancient Traditions and Modern Rules” was published in Moscow. The book became a bestseller and I received a national award for the top book in the field of protocol and etiquette.

For 10 years now, every week I have been writing an article on etiquette in Japan. During this time, I wrote more than 500 articles on the topic of etiquette and protocol.

What (or who) do you find the most enjoyable with regard to Etiquette and your work? 
Thanks to my work, I often travel to other East Asian countries, such as China, South Korea, Singapore, Indonesia, India, and Mongolia. I am very interested in learning about the etiquette which is representative of these cultures.

Currently, I teach etiquette online in Japan and offline for undergraduate and graduate students at leading universities in Russia.

What do you find the most rewarding aspect of your career regarding Etiquette?

I like the ethical aspect – the moral principles of etiquette – and how it combines with ancient traditions in Japan. Also how historical events influence the development of etiquette.

In Japan, I conduct my own “World of Japanese Etiquette” tours, where I give lectures and master classes on Japanese etiquette and protocol, and also conduct an excursion program to the very places which are the basis for Japanese culture and Japanese etiquette.

What types of classes or training do you offer, if any? If you don’t offer classes or training, how do you share your expertise?
Currently, I teach etiquette online in Japan and offline for undergraduate and graduate students at leading universities in Russia. In Japan, I conduct my own “World of Japanese Etiquette” tours, where I give lectures and master classes on Japanese etiquette and protocol, and also conduct an excursion program to the very places which are the basis for Japanese culture and Japanese etiquette.

I really enjoy conducting master classes and seminars on table etiquette. In Japan, table setting and food culture are very important.

What age group do you enjoy working with most when it comes to etiquette? And why?
I like to work with children when they take their first steps in the field of communication, based on knowledge of behavioral etiquette and traditional culture. I also like teaching students because they ask interesting questions, and we explore topics on etiquette from the point of view of historical events. I really enjoy conducting master classes and seminars on table etiquette. In Japan, table setting and food culture are very important. Japanese table setting is a work of art. For the Japanese, a meal is a journey into the world of beauty and harmony, which is why elegance, grace and tradition are so important in table setting.                       

I like the Mitsui Memorial Museum and my reference book now is: “Generations of Mitsui Family Treasures”.

I enjoy reading old works of Japanese authors, especially Tetsuo Owada’s, “Bushi no sahou” and I like the Mitsui Memorial Museum and my reference book now is: “Generations of Mitsui Family Treasures”. 

If you would like to reach Elena, you can can contact her via her Instagram page or on Facebook @Etiquette748

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

The Bad Little Boy of 1922

“After a while they had the Refreshments. They were Pretty Refreshments. You could see a Lady made them. And all the Nice Little Children were glad that they had come to such a Lovely Party where they had such Pretty Refreshments. All, but the Bad Little Boy.” – The following story appears to be a commentary on how Great Britain’s leaders behaved following World War I. 

LISTEN, WORLD! In so far as my limited powers permit, I'm going to immortalize a small boy. One of our contributors wrote me about him the other day. It seems that this young monster had gone to a party. It was a Nice Party. All the little girls had on fresh hair ribbons and all the little boys had their ears washed. They tiptoed around and played “Hunt the Peanut” and other Refined Pastime for The Young. 

Every little while the hostess would come in, grinning like a hyena, and ask them if they-were-having- a-happy-time-but-not-to make-too-much-noise. After a while they had the Refreshments. They were Pretty Refreshments. You could see a Lady made them. And all the Nice Little Children were glad that they had come to such a Lovely Party where they had such Pretty Refreshments. All, but the Bad Little Boy. 

Suddenly, right in the midst of all this beauty and uplift, the Bad Little Boy bent over and proceeded to lick his plate with horrid gobbly noises. Of course everyone was shocked. And the Hostess quite properly lectured the Bad Little Boy and sent him straight home. How could he have done such a naughty, NAUGHTY thing? Didn't he know that his Dear Mother would not let him lick the plates at home. “He simply wanted to show off!” said the Hostess, and she was right. 

He did. He wanted to show off something natural, joyous, daring and boisterous in the face of all this abnormal juvenile righteousness and adult bossiness. He couldn't analyze his feelings. He couldn't explain that he thought it positively immoral to try to make healthy, imaginative youngsters ape the timid social manners of their bored and stupid elders. He had no words to express his contempt for an Adult World which chose Manner is preference to Adventures. But he could do one thing to save his self respect. He could lick the plate. And he licked it!

And believe me, World, they put laurels on many a bust in Westminster for less than that! – Written and Illustrated by Elsie Robinson for the Modesto Herald, 1922

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

An Etiquette Blunder from 1923

Someone is in the wrong. The woman just sitting down in the automobile? Or the gentleman entering behind her? Do you know who?

BLUNDER

Is the lady or man guilty of a breach of etiquette? What?!?

BLUNDER CORRECTED

In entering an. automobile it is incorrect for the first one who gets in to sit near the door forcing others to crawl over to their seats. - By Betty Thompson, Modesto Morning Herald, 1923

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gift Etiquette and Springtime Weddings

If all of the flat silver has been provided, the addition of a “guest set” is extremely helpful. A guest set consists of one each item of silver that belongs in the original set.

Gifts For Easter Brides 

Silver has always been the most popular for gifts to a bride. This may be from the fact that flat silver is the easiest thing to select. Today we do not select silver for the bride according to our own choice, but ascertain the pattern which has been selected by the bride-to-be and the pieces not yet provided. To be sure, we never ask the bride-to-be for this information, but it can readily be obtained from her mother or near relative or her close friend. If all of the flat silver has been provided, the addition of a “guest set” is extremely helpful. A guest set consists of one each item of silver that belongs in the original set. Adding a guest set enables one to serve at once one or more guests. A guest set makes a peculiarly welcome and useful gift to a bride. 

Silver Dishes to Match Flat Silver 

As china dishes for vegetables are often ungraceful, always breakable, and according to the highest authorities in matters of taste and etiquette, now out of fashion for formal meals, a round or oval silver vegetable dish comes next in importance. These deep, round dishes may be used for salads and desserts. They range in size from eight to ten inches. The oval dishes begin with the ten-inch size. The dish known as “the dish of a hundred uses” serves admirably as a fruit salad dish, or for serving creamed chicken, asparagus, baked apples, moulded puddings, ice cream and other desserts, and, in the larger sizes, as a serving dish for chops, cold meats, etc... It is made in sizes ranging from 14 inches in diameter to nine inches. – By Florence Austin Chase, 1929

🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Serving of Chinese Meals

In high-caste or Mandarin families, a servant has his place at the foot of the table, but he stands throughout the meal. -Image source, Pinterest

Considerable etiquette governs the manner of picking desired morsels from the main bowls, out of which all eat, using chopsticks. In high-caste or Mandarin families, a servant has his place at the foot of the table, but he stands throughout the meal.

It is his duty to serve at the table the portions from the main dishes to each individual, and to do what the host generally does for the other servants waiting on table take their orders from him, and he is really there as a sort of proxy for the host.– By Florence Austen Chase, 1929

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Bidding “Bon Voyage”

Should the gift be given on the boat, or would it be better to give it prior to their leaving?

Q. We are to bid “bon voyage” to friends who are leaving soon for Europe and I wish to know if a fancy box of chocolates, with a “bon voyage” card attached would be a suitable gift, as it is for ladies. Should the gift be given on the boat, or would it be better to give it prior to their leaving?

A. The box of chocolates would be quite all right for the parting gift. It may be given to the steward on the boat, with instructions to place it in their state room, or it may be given to them prior to their leaving, either of which would be correct. The former, perhaps, would afford the greater pleasure, since it would then be received after the excitement of saying “goodbyes” and leaving friends behind- and the surprise “done up in packages” in the state room would be more enjoy able.– By Florence Austin Chase, 1929

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Wedding Fashion Etiquette of 1929

Usually children should wear simple clothes, but weddings are one time when they are dressed picturesquely so that they belong in the pageant of the wedding procession.

MEDIEVAL WEDDING DRESSES ARE ALWAYS EFFECTIVE

When Lucille Rogers was married she chose to dress her attendants in medieval costumes. For herself she chose a heavy satin in deep, deep ivory. The tulle veile matched it in shade. The dress was made with long bodice plain and tight-fitting. The skirt had a long train which hung in two panels. Her attendants wore dresses with ivory transparent velvet bodices and skirts of georgette. The georgette was in three flat tiers, the first being a light shade, the second darker and the third deepest of all, One maid had three shades of rose, another of yellow, another of green and the last of lavender. The bodice was cut low in the back and depending from the bodice was a large soft, two-looped bow, with ends which formed short trains.

The flower girls wore quaint dresses of washable fine voile. The dresses were short waisted and puff sleeved. The three tiered skirts were of pale pink, a deeper shade and then a soft rose.

At another wedding the ring bearer was in white satin with white satin pillow. His little blouse had a frill of soft satin at the neck. The little girl had a dress with a deep Bertha collar which was caught up on one shoulder with grosgrain ribbon. Both of these children were pictures. Their mothers had had sense enough not to curl the hair. It fell loosely and naturally, and did not have the frizzy look that hair so often has. Usually children should wear simple clothes, but weddings are one time when they are dressed picturesquely so that they belong in the pageant of the wedding procession. - Nancy Page By Florence La Ganke, San Pedro News Pilot, 1929

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Ordering Etiquette in Restaurants

“It is necessary to know what the main course is going to be before fixing upon the wine. Therefore, do not order wine until the main dish has been chosen by those at the table.”- Amy Vanderbilt 

Q. Dear Miss Vanderbilt: I would like to know if there are any specific rules on the order in which you order various dinner courses in a restaurant. That is, do you order appetizer, salad, main course, vegetable and potato way you would be served or is there a rule of etiquette to govern just how you state your order to the waiter? 

I have been told that the correct way is to order your main (meat) course first, then salad, appetizer and vegetable, but I have been unable to substantiate this is any books of etiquette. I would appreciate your help. -Mrs. E. S., Bridgeville, Pa.

A. You order the appetizer first, then the fish course if any, then the meat course. If separate vegetables are listed on the menu, you indicate which ones you would like. Otherwise, they are served automatically with the meat course. Although you don't order the meat first, you have decided on it before ordering the preliminary course or courses.

Recently there was a symposium for New York prep school boys at the Four Seasons restaurant in New York. They were instructed on how to order. It is important, they were told, that the choice of courses balance with another. You can see what would be wrong with herring with sour cream, followed by cream of asparagus soup, chicken fricassee, salad with Russian dressing and Washington cream pie. 

Also, it is necessary to know what the main course is going to be before fixing upon the wine. Therefore, do not order wine until the main dish has been chosen by those at the table. If you don't know too much about wines, never hesitate to ask the advice of the sommelier, or wine steward. He can't make, intelligent suggestions until he knows what your main course is.– 1965, by United Feature Syndicate, Inc.

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Gilded Age Office Gift Etiquette

It is not customary, but sometimes employers are moved to make a present to employees in appreciation of services in addition to the salary paid.

CHRISTMAS PRESENTS   

The matter of giving Christmas presents is one of individual taste. A stenographer is at liberty to give presents to her employer and those who are her companions in the office if she feels so inclined, but if she does not it would not be considered “a breach of etiquette.” It is not customary, but sometimes employers are moved to make a present to employees in appreciation of services in addition to the salary paid. If the firm or others in the office should offer the stenographer one or more gifts at the glad Christmastide she would be very rude if she did not accept such. – San Francisco Call, 1898

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette and Appreciation of Soup

What Have We Here? — A Gilded Age place setting with a French écuelle. An écuelle is a 2 handled bowl, generally with a cover to keep soup hot. The écuelle is perfect for a broth or light soup. A small round (bouillon) soup spoon sits to the right. – From the book, “Yesteryear… More of What Have We Here?: The Etiquette and Essentials of Past Times to the Mid-20th Century”

NEW YORK Every eater has a special set of gastronomic obsessions. One of my most persistent has to do with hot soup, by which I really mean hot ' soup. Anything less than a curtain of steam that obscures an eating partner across the table is to me soup that borders on the tepid, a soup that must be hurried through before it is actually cold and therefore inedible. 

Today one is generally served soup that ranges from barely tepid to very warm. Or which, at best, is Just a few degrees above body temperature, so that it feels hot to the lips but dies a chilly death by the time it reaches the back of the tongue. Nor do a few wan wisps of rising steam prove that soup is really hot. but merely that the liquid is somewhat warmer than the room in which it is being served. 

A combination of reasons Is behind this creeping tepidism that is understandable, if not excusable. For one thing, hardly anyone under 45 really knows what hot means when related to soup. At least two generations separate today's eaters from forbears who emigrated from Russia, Germany, Eastern Europe, Scandinavia and China, where even today Microwave, like it not, hot soup is taken seriously. 

Ever frugal, wise old housewives served soup so hot that the preheated tureens added to the warmth of the room and one could thaw winter chilled hands by sliding them over the outside of the bowl. Finally, when eaten, these soups served as personalized central heating systems. Hot soup has also met Its demise partly at the hands of etiquette snobs who decry blowing on broth or slurping It from a spoon. Many restaurants deliberately serve tepid soup for economic reasons. If they are relatively inexpensive eating places that rely on turnover, they cannot afford to have chairs occupied an extra 10 minutes per seating by customers waiting for soup (or coffee, tea or cocoa) to cool. 

To work one's way through a bowlful of incendiary soup is to pass through several stages of enjoyment, almost Oriental In their subtle refinements. Start with a bowl of soup that is topped by a mushroom cloud of steam, a soup that is still atremble with its own inner heat, and you begin by inhaling a heady essence, as the scent pervades your nostrils long before its substance can touch your tongue. Soon you pick up a small amount on the tip of the spoon and between whispering sips and lightly exhaled, cooling puffs, you begin carefully to get a sense of what the liquid portion of the soup holds in store. 

These early sips must exclude solids, still too hot to handle in the throat. In a few minutes the soup is merely hot and larger mouthfuls can be handled, revealing liquid and solids in full-bodied splendor. After that, and eating ever more quickly, the warm soup is a luxurious comfort, full of taste but allowing freedom from caution. Now you can really consider the tastes behind tastes, the textures of solids, the herbs and pot vegetables that perfume the brew. As always when eating soup, intermittent bites of bread renew the palate to the subtleties of the liquid. – By Mimi Sheraton, New York Times News Service, 1979

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Etiquette for Feeding Romance

Comes now the silly season, or the romantic season, or the wonderful season, or the lyrical season, depending on where you stand in these matters. And it might be well, at this point, to look at some groceries with an eye to their R.Q., or Romantic Quotient.

... And Another Thing

Now springtime is approaching like a runaway choo-choo, and we'd all better get ready. Comes now the silly season, or the romantic season, or the wonderful season, or the lyrical season, depending on where you stand in these matters. And it might be well, at this point, to look at some groceries with an eye to their R.Q., or Romantic Quotient.

This is no new endeavor. Since people and food were invented, which was at about the same time, people have been interested in the romantic or - hopefully – aphrodisiac properties of what they eat.

But I bring sad tidings. If you have been depending heavily on Arabian skunk or Roman goose tongue or the brains of love- making sparrows - as did the ancients - you might as well forget it. They do no good. Nor, apparently, do the more personal parts of the poisonous puffer fish, no matter what the modern Japanese think. Nor does anything else.

And, to quote Mimi Sheraton. who has made quite a study of these things, and I wish all research projects were as interesting, “I have yet to find the food one bite of which will cause me to drop my fork and make straight for the bedroom.”

Still, it might not be without value (this is a phrase we scholarly writers like to use be cause it sounds more scholarly than “it might be valuable”) to consider what foods or dishes are definitely UN-aphrodisiac in their effect. On whoever is watching you eat, that is. And while I am no expert in matters of the heart, I once wrote an Etiquette Book in which I touched briefly on the less attractive aspects of ingesting food.

So let's plunge in.

Anything you must spit out some of, such as grapes or olives with pits in them, isn't particularly romantic fodder. You can, however, swallow the grape seeds, and I don't think they’ll hurt you any, even if your mother did tell you they'd give you appendicitis. At least, when you attack a piece of grappa cheese, the rind of which is solid grape seeds, you're supposed to eat them, else you display a certain lack of savoir faire. Next time, don't order it. 

Corn, of course, presents a nearly insoluble problem. When a girl eats it on the cob, her lipstick tends to meld with the butter, on the cob and around her mouth. (On the other hand, if one slices the corn off, one may arouse the suspicion that one’s choppers are not one’s own.)

A lady I know insists on drinking all her drinks except hot coffee through a straw, because she can shape her mouth so prettily around it.

Then there is the sound of spaghetti. This is a welcome sound to the chef who prepared it, for it is the sound of appreciation. But it is not a romantic sound.

Consider, too, the too-fat hamburger, dribbling bits of letutce and mayonnaise down the chin, to leave it smelling like a blue plate salad.

Consider, too, the potency of peanut butter, the scent of which carries three times farther and lasts six times longer than any- thing by Lanvin or Chanel. These are all gustatory truths which must be faced and grappled with.

And yet, to be honest, we must admit that whether or not spaghetti or corn on the cob or even peanut butter is romantic depends to a huge extent on who is eating them. Which is only one of the many lyrical facts about Springtime. – By Peg Bracken, 1965

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

How Fried Chicken Etiquette Changed

Etiquette for eating fried chicken has changed since the advent of the first “fast food” chicken offerings. Founded in Illinois in 1952, Chicken Delight came on the scene first. It grew rapidly with home delivery service and a memorable jingle, “Don’t cook tonight, Call Chicken Delight.” Due to Kentucky Fried Chicken also entering the take-out fried chicken market that same year, but with far fewer stores, and its subsequent widespread franchising of fast food restaurants across the nation, KFC overtook Chicken Delight in popularity by the 1970’s. KFC has since become a global phenomenon.

Hands off pieces of chicken! Unless of course, they are “nuggets.”

From the 1930’s: 

DEAR Mrs. Post: Is it incorrect, according to etiquette, to eat even the slightest bit of chicken in the fingers? I don't mean whether it is correct to take up what can be cut off the bone easily enough, but I am referring to the very small bones from which it is impossible to cut meat loose with knife and fork. Aren't good table manners to-day more lenient about these foods, especially if finger bowls are provided?

Answer: No, people are less lenient than they used to be. That is, if we go back to the descriptions given us by the writers of long ago, and as copied for instance in the moving picture of Henry the Eighth, who picked up a whole chicken in his hands and tore it apart, our table manners have become positively finicking. The only thing that could soil the fingers and is not tabooed by the meticulous are lobster claws. And when such lobster is served, finger bowls of hot soapy water should be provided at once. Perhaps, if this practice were followed when serving chicken, there would be no objection to taking the wings in the fingers. – by Emily Post, in Good Taste Today, 1937

 

From the 1970’s: 

According to Amy Vanderbilt, “Chicken must be eaten with fork and knife except at picnics. Bones are not put into the mouth but are stripped with the knife while being held firmly by the fork. Joints are cut if one's knife is sharp enough and it can be done without lifting the elbows from the normal eating position. Chicken croquettes should be cut with the fork only, as are all croquettes and fish cakes, then conveyed to the mouth in manageable pieces.”

From Today: 

According to Maura J. Graber, Etiquipedia© Site Editor and Director of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, chicken in the form of chicken “nuggets,” “tenders,”“Dino bites,” and the like, are all finger foods. Fried chicken which is designed for enjoying as a finger food looks positively silly when eaten with a knife and fork. That being said, one still has to follow basic table manners, however. There is no finger licking, lip smacking or stuffing one’s mouth to the limit allowed.

 

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Who Pours at Tea?

More etiquette for pouring at tea: If the hostess for a formal tea is pouring, she need not rise when guests come by the table to bid her farewell. She bows and perhaps offers her hand. If the hostess is not tied to the tea table with duties, but has friends pouring for her, then she should be sought out by departing guests who thank her for her hospitality.

Let Members Pour at Women's Club Tea

DEAR Mrs. Post: Our women's club is giving a large tea for approximately a hundred and fifty guests. Would you suggest that it is better at a tea of this size to let the hotel do all the serving, or do you think it more friendly to have members of the committee preside at the tea table?

Answer: At a tea for as many as fifty the details of serving are more often than not taken care of by the caterers, or by the servants in a private house. However, in your case, if sufficient members of the committee take turns at pouring, it should not be too tiring for any one of them, and there is no question that club hostesses at the tea table would create a more friendly atmosphere. In any case, all the other details of replacing used cups and saucers with fresh ones and replenishing sandwiches and cakes. and passing them will be taken care of by the hotel.– by Emily Post, 1937

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

A Gilded Age Philosophy of Etiquette

Though forks hadn’t started to appear on the tables of the United States until the 1830’s and 1840’s, like early mobile phone usage in the U.S., they soon took hold and were common place within a matter of just 15 to 20 years, as new technology always does. New etiquette was written for them too. By 1883, eating from one’s knife instead of a fork was discouraged in every book and publication of the day, as Granny would well know!

There is an 1883 philosophy in the requirements of good breeding, whether in the etiquette of the table, the street, the call or in the discharge of other social duties and pleasures. The requirements which polite society demands of its votaries are not mere arbitrary rules, but will be found to be invariably the result of a careful study of the greatest good and pleasure of the greatest number. 

Take, for instance, a very gross and marked example: Etiquette requires that the food shall be borne to the mouth on the fork and never on the knife. It is, evidently, most unclean, and, therefore, disagreeable to see a person thrust a knife into his mouth, and exceedingly trying to delicate nerves to see him in continual danger of involuntarily enlarging his mouth by an awkward slip of the knife.- From “Granmaw’s Kitchen” in Hilltop Messenger, 1967

 🍽️Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber of The RSVP Institute of Etiquette, is the Site Editor of the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia