Toasting Etiquette and History

In Shakespeare’s time, a piece of toasted bread was put in the tankard before ale or wine was poured in, to improve the taste and to collect sediment and impurities at the bottom of the vessel. Thus, the drink became known as “a toast.” By the Edwardian era, there were a number of little details of table etiquette which were observed, the most noticeable of which was that finger glasses (or finger bowls) were never placed upon the table if a member of the royal family was present. The reason for this goes back to the Jacobite days, when the toast of the King was converted into treason by the passing of the glass “over the water.”

Drink a Toast

This civilized custom of “drinking a toast” to the good health of a friend began in ancient times, but the terminology came later. In Shakespeare’s time, a piece of toasted bread was put in the tankard before ale or wine was poured in, to improve the taste and to collect sediment and impurities at the bottom of the vessel. Thus, the drink became known as “a toast.”

Toast of the Town

The “toast of the town” is someone whose great popularity causes many to “drink his health.” The usual custom in olden days, was to pour a little of the wine into the host’s glass and some into the guest’s, before either drank. Few trusted anyone outside the family circle and this was the only way to be sure the no one had poisoned the drink. Later, the ceremonial clinking of glasses was accompanied with the spoken wish, ‘To your good health.’ — Sources: A variety of authors including Patricia Easterbrook Roberts and Judith Visser

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️ Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Medieval Dining and Social Class

Merriam-Webster defines the term “upper crust” as the highest social class or group, especially the highest circle of the upper class — Centuries after Europe’s medieval era’s end, a flaky, upper crust was still appreciated, regardless of whether one cared if he was considered part of the “upper crust” by others, or not.

             Many phrases which we use today have culinary connections, and the origins of some of them are offered below.

The Upper Crust

When discussing society, the expression “upper crust” comes from medieval times when the great crusted meat pies were served from the top of the Lord of the Manor’s dining table on down. Obviously, the gentry got first choice of the crisp, flaky crust, while those seated at the foot of the table were more apt to get the soggy, under crust.


Above the Salt

In the banqueting hall of the baronial castle, the nobility sat at the head of the great T-shape table with the “Lord and Master,” while the first cousins, second cousins, and so on, dwindled into the distance down the table. At the point of demarcation which set apart the landed gentry from the common serfs, was placed a “great standing salt,” or "ceremonial salt." It was passed from there, up the table; if you sat “below the salt,” you were not only “not worth your salt,” but you did not get any.


Humble Pie

In England, this “pie” was made from “umbles” — the heart, the liver, and the gizzard of a deer. When the huntsman brought back the kill, the Lord of the Manor and his guests feasted on venison. The huntsman and the servants, being of inferior rank, had of necessity, to be satisfied with “humble pie.” — Sources: A variety of authors including Patricia Easterbrook Roberts and Judith Visser

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Etiquette for Eating Oranges

Below – An individual silver, Gilded Age orange dish, with inside “spikes” which hold the halved orange in place for graceful dining. Paired with a “Salem witch” orange spoon, with a gilded bowl to protect the sterling silver from citric acid. Salem witch spoons, by Daniel Low, are deemed by many to be the original souvenir spoons.

Specially designed orange spoons and footed orange dishes, with spikes for holding orange halves, were seen on the finest dining tables. Only those who were well-versed in etiquette knew how to use them, and eat their oranges properly.

In ancient times, Alexander the Great named what we now call “oranges,” “Median Apples” and “Persian Apples.” Considered the fruit of emperors and kings, oranges and orange groves were considered one's paradise. France's Louis XIV had his own: “His orangerie at Versailles was built in the shape of a ‘C,’ 1200 feet around, and was the scene of garden parties and masked balls.” And oranges were believed to be the “ultimate preventive” to the threat of a plague, according to physicians of the Italian Renaissance. 

Above– The inside of a footed, tilted, Gilded Age orange dish. 

Oranges were still considered a delicacy throughout most of  the Victorian era. By the 20th century, after refrigerated railroad cars were invented, oranges reached the middle-class in the United States. In the early 1900’s, people in the United States used to consume more fresh oranges than all other fresh fruits combined, with their popularity soaring during the winter holidays.  Though no longer considered a delicacy, oranges continue to hold a special place in children's Christmas stockings.

It is not customary to serve fruit as a first course at dinner, though at a lunch it is quite proper.

First in expensive sterling, then in silverplate, special spoons for oranges became popular table accoutrements.  When oranges were no longer a delicacy, and grapefruits were grown to be more palatable, a serrated edge was added to orange spoons, creating “grapefruit spoons.”

Oranges are seldom served at dinner anymore unless they are specially prepared, that is, with the skin taken off, and the sections divided, in which case the fruit is eaten from a fork.

Grape-fruit must be served ice cold. It is served in two ways: either it is cut in halves, midway between the blossom and the stem end, the seeds removed, the pulp loosened with a sharp knife, but served in the natural skin, to be eaten with a spoon; or the pulp and seeds are entirely removed from the skin with a sharp knife, and the edible part only served in deep dessert plates. Pulverized sugar should accompany grape-fruit. - From *Practical Etiquette by N.C., 1899


*Author's note : “The author is under obligation to so many persons for suggestions and advice, as well as to many authors, that it does not seem best to give a list of the same, especially as such list could be only a partial one, for many of her friends would not desire mention of their names.”
N. C. Dec. 1, 1899

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

19th C. Swedish Christmas Customs

The Christmas table in the Bollnäs Cottage at Skansen, Stockholm – According to Wikipedia, Skansen is the first open-air museum and zoo in Sweden and is located on the island Djurgården in Stockholm, Sweden. It was opened on 11 October 1891 by Artur Hazelius to show the way of life in the different parts of Sweden before the industrial era. – photo source, “Christmas in Sweden 100 Years Ago”

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

In the middle of the 19th century the Swedish Christmas still had the atmosphere of a gay carnival. In many quarters, it was one long round of festivities, with endless drinking, games and dancing. The many contemporary accounts of Christmas customs in the Nordic Museum and other records of Swedish folk life tell us that it really was like this. It was during the 1800s that people began to take an interest in writing down the traditions handed on by word of mouth in stories, legends and the like, and in describing older manners and customs. While our knowledge of the Swedish people's daily life before the 1800s is scanty and is derived from travel books, memoirs and descriptions of the countryside, there is a wealth of information about that past century and our own, and those to whom the greatest credit is due are not so much the scholars at the museums and archives, as the Swedish people themselves.


Festivals have, of course, a tendency to preserve features of older manners and customs, and many of what we now call Christmas traditions are the relics of a past century's discarded way of life. But such time-honored customs must nevertheless be practicable if they are to survive. Gone now is the big home slaughter of cows, calves, sheep and pigs. No longer does a housewife gather together workers for a several-day-long, wash, when scoops of lye water were poured over the white clothes throughout a whole night, and the next day everything had to be rinsed and beaten in an ice cold lake. Home distilled aquavit is prohibited, home-brewed beer is too much bother to make. No one has to set to work to bake great batches of bread and cakes to provide for the household over Christmas; many still do, but not to the extent that was once necessary. 


A thorough Christmas cleaning is still very much of a reality in many homes and as far as food and drink are concerned, the old idea persist that one should eat and drink more than at any other time of the year. Beer and aquavit, bread dipped in the broth from the boiled ham, ham, brawn, rice porridge, and even pig's head along as much to the Christmas table now as they did a few hundred years ago. Even the smell of Christmas is much the same. “In every nook and cranny there is the smell of Christmas, that is to say, cinnamon and saffron.” wrote Adolf Törneros, an Uppsala University lecturer, to a friend on 23rd December, 1824.


But the greatest changes in the Christmas celebrations are due to the fact that Christmas is now a family gathering, whereas it used to be more of a collective festival. It was most of the young people who wanted to spend Christmas away from home. School boys used to tramp through the towns and villages, singing Christmas carols and performing Christmas plays to earn a little money towards their next term's keep. There were pranks in connection with the Lucia celebrations in Western Sweden, when the young people disguised themselves and roamed the streets, larking and making a noise, all forms of begging to collect for a communal party: going 'round with the Christmas straw goat, the Staffan ride, the Star Boy plays. And throughout it all, the aquavit flowed in a fashion that we can only that we can scarcely imagine, for since those days there has been a change of attitude owing to the temperance and revivalist movements.— From the book, “Christmas in Sweden 100 Years Ago,” 1964

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Victorian Swedish Christmas Etiquette

Carl Viking’s illustration of a Christmas Table

The Christmas Table 

“I have drawn the Christmas table according to my grandmother's directions. The head of the family had the biggest share of bread, which was piled up at the extreme left of the table. On the top of the pile was a little bird made from wheat and flour, with a grain of corn in its beak. next to the father's pile of bread was the mothers, then the children's, and, last of all, the servants. 

The vessels on the table are:

1. a pewter tankard 
2. a pewter dish for cream cheese  
3. beer bowl  
4. oak beer can 
5. aquavit decanter of green glass  
6. silver tumblers  (#6 and #7)
7. corresponding to the modern schnapps glasses
8. china dish for lye-cured fish 
9. a pewter porridge bowl. 

“But there was also a large pewter dish with a pig's head on it, as well as several other vessels. On the table too, we see a three-branched candle, a symbol of the Holy Trinity, and two other candles. 

“Note: On the Christmas table stood a wooden can of the best beer, which no one was allowed to drink. It was called ‘Angel beer’ and was intended for the Christmas Angel.” —From “Christmas in Sweden 100 Years Ago” by Tre Tryckare, 1964

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia©️Etiquette Encyclopedia

Bridal Etiquette –‘Thank You’s

“The stemware is truly beautiful. Though we're tempted to hold it back for state occasions, we do use it nightly.”

Be Speedy In Saying Thanks

When it comes to thank you notes, there's a very simple rule of etiquette. It doesn't matter so much how you phrase your note: It's the speed with which you send it off that shows your good manners, as well as your gratitude. If writing the letters looms as a huge task, plan to do just a few at a time. 

Keep your list of gifts and your writing supplies out on the desk, or a bridge table, and use those odd times to do a few notes. Your thanks should be simple and sincere, never pretentious. Try to have the giver feel he can see his gift in your first home. You can use phrases like these: “The bud vases you sent us look lovely on our fireplace mantel.” “We christened the casserole you gave us last night, and the budget beef stew tasted delicious.” “The stemware is truly beautiful. Though we're tempted to hold it back for state occasions, we do use it nightly.” 

These notes may be written on informal notepaper, possibly with your monogram or name engraved on the top sheet. Or simple notepaper of good quality may be used. Keep away from too highly decorated notepaper. It's fine for casual writing, but not for bridal thank yous. – San Bernardino Sun, 1970

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

At-Home Wedding Etiquette

The etiquette of the home wedding is nearly the same as in more pretentious affairs, but many of the formalities are dispensed with.  MarthaStewartWeddings.com recommends making the renting of a tent a priority for outdoor receptions when getting married at home. “Unless the inside of your home can accommodate all of your guests—and every part of your wedding day—you're going to need a tent, says Jackson. Getting hitched in the summer? A tent with air conditioning and fans might also be a welcome addition.” – Photo source, Pinterest

At a home wedding the number of guests is limited. The bride wears a colored dress of light silk or a simple white one. The bridal party faces the clergyman and he faces the company. The etiquette of the home wedding is nearly the same as in more pretentious affairs, but many of the formalities are dispensed with. 

The decoration of the home is according to the tastes of the parties most interested. The wedding refreshments are partaken of in whatever way best conduces to the comfort and enjoyment of those present. A private wedding is one at which there are none present except the contracting parties, the minister and the witnesses. – San Francisco Call, 1905

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Tabletops and Etiquette

Those pretty candle shades, so much in use, were decorative to the furnishings of the table, but they prevented the most effective and becoming light at Victorian dinner parties.

Etiquette Notes for the Victorian Woman and the Home

A woman who has carefully studied the effects of light at her dinners says that unshaded candles in high, old fashioned candelabra that branch out in many directions, are absolutely the perfection of light for a table, and are, too a most becoming light to the faces of the guests gathered around it. The candelabra should be tall enough to carry the lights fairly high. The pretty candle shades so much in use are decorative to the furnishings of the table, but they prevent the most effective and becoming light.

A knitted table padding is being offered for use under table cloths. It is especially recommended because it does not grow hard after washing, as does the ordinary table pad. For a polished table, too, its protection is claimed to be more perfect. 

Cosmos and pansies are preferred for cloths intended for round tables. Sometimes entire plants are used to form a double border, with a plain linen center, and a plain strip between. The latest and most fashionable tablecloths have centers of plain linen, to which deep floral borders extend from the hem. Poppies, lilacs or goldenrod are favorite designs. Floral designs are preferred, the figures being larger and more pronounced than ever, this season.

Some damasks show the representations of whole plants or of a great branch bearing both flowers and foliage. Lace-trlmmed table linen is more fashionable than it was last season. Three new laces are used in ornamenting it. One is a French lace, resembling heavy linen torchon of elaborate patterns; another is a Russian lace of close meshes and clumsy figures.

Table linen that is not trimmed with lace, should be marked with embroidered initials. The accepted size for letters on tablecloths is two and one-half inches, and for napkins one and one-half inches. The initials should be intertwined, but the old-fashioned monogram style is no longer admissible.

In the serving of a pineapple:  Slice it, dip it in grated coconut, and pile high on a dish of fine white china.

A jelly sauce that is used for meats or the game course, requires that the jelly should be melted to the liquid state, and a tablespoonful of wine added just as it is sent around.–Sacramento Daily Union, 1898

  🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Courtesy on the Roads

Seldom does one meet a driver on the open highway who will give an inch to the other fellow and surrender his right-of-way to convenience other cars.

Boors All!

A reasoning being can usually find answers to his own questions, but there is one that stumps all. Why it is that motorists forget all etiquette and the rudiments of courtesy when they get behind a steering wheel? It is not polite to swear at the dining table if the butter isn’t passed the instant it is asked for. And almost everybody employs the polite “Pardon me” in pedestrian jams and crowded elevators. 

But get the same persons in the driver’s seat and there is loud honking and a cuss word or two, if the car ahead stops too suddenly or fails to start soon enough. Seldom does one meet a driver on the open highway who will give an inch to the other fellow and surrender his right-of-way to convenience other cars. It is everybody for himself and curses upon the other fellow even though his faults and transgressions are your own. – San Pedro News Pilot, 1932

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette and Body Space

“The amygdala is activated when you invade people's personal space. This probably reflects the strong emotional response when somebody gets too close to us...” – Ralph Adolphs, professor of psychology and neuroscience at the California Institute of Technology

Don’t Stand so Close to Me

Imagine one of these situations:

• Somebody once comes close to you and you step back unconsciously.
• Or you get close to someone and see that he/she steps back and tries to get far from you.
• A strange person stands so close to you that you feel bad/uncomfortable and not secure.
• You meet someone for the first time and he/she kisses you on the cheek or puts his/her hand around your shoulders and you step back unconsciously, or you feel badly and kiss back him/her unwillingly.

Have you ever experienced above situations? All of us have been in situations like this and these feelings and reactions are because someone is disregarding other people's personal space.

What is personal space?

In 1966, anthropologist Edward T. Hall introduced the concept that, similar to the way animals mark their territory using urine and physical posturing, humans use personal space and concrete objects. The theory is known as Proxemics 1, a form of non-verbal communication through our perception and use of space. It concludes that in our space, we keep four types of distances (intimate, personal, social and public) according to the type of relationship. Personal space is a distance in which we feel safe, secure and comfortable. This space is one of the four invisible and mentally spaces around each person which are like bubbles around us. If we want others feel comfort and safe we should consider the importance of personal space.

What are different types of personal spaces in social interactions?

As Edward T. Hall said in social interactions there are generally 4 spaces for each person:

1. Public space: It's between 3.70 m and 7.60 m and includes strangers. We like for strangers to stand this distance from us.
2. Social space: It's between 1.20 m and 3.70 m. The distance is for talking with others. If others get closer to us for talking, we don't feel comfortable and if they get farther away, we feel awkward and rude.
3. Personal space: It's between 45 cm and 1.20 m and we dedicate it just for ourselves. If others pass through it, for the first meeting, they give us an aggressive feeling which certainly won't show intimacy. Acquaintances and people who meet each other for the first time should consider keeping this distance and not trying to get closer.
4. Intimate and private space: up to 45 cm which is dedicated to family members, couples and close friends. If someone is to enter this area without our willingness, we feel an intense insecurity and discomfort.

But how do these ‘personal bubbles’ arise?

In research published in the journal “Nature” in 2009, Ralph Adolphs and his colleagues determined that the bubbles are constructed and monitored by the amygdala, the brain region involved in fear. “The amygdala is activated when you invade people's personal space. This probably reflects the strong emotional response when somebody gets too close to us. We confirmed this in a rare patient with lesions to this brain structure: she felt entirely comfortable no matter how close somebody got to her, and had no apparent personal space.” Furthermore, he said, “Abnormal development of the amygdala may also explain why people with autism have difficulties maintaining a normal social distance to other people.”


Is personal space the same for all persons?

No. The distance between the person and his invisible shield is different from one person to another and its size depends on various factors like:

 Familiarity and type of relationship with a person

(For example, the comfort space between you and a person you know him well is probably smaller than a strange person.)

 The amount of trust you have to that person

 Society type. (People who live in crowded societies have smaller personal space than people who live in less crowded ones. In other words, these people have to use others personal space because of large population so their personal spaces are reduced. 

(We can see this difference between Asian, American and European countries.)

 Age can affect on this space too. The size of personal space will increase between 3-21, for this reason children like to stand close to other people and feel more comfort and safe in this way.

 Personality is also effective on this subject. For example, somebody who is anxious seems to have a larger personal space than a person who is calmer and easygoing. Introverted persons have a larger personal space than extroverted persons.

 Culture and beliefs.

We should consider signs of personal space for different persons, like handshaking type, greeting type, eye contact length, size of their eyes' enlarged, their mood and etc. to know whether he/she feels safe and comfort with our distance or not? And why don’t some people respect this personal space?

Maybe because they are not aware of the space and its signals. Otherwise they can be young persons who are from larger societies, or they are anxious, or an introvert that has a need for a larger personal space size.

Is this so strict it won't change? No, it will change. Some researchers believe that these spaces aren't effective in all interactions.

Sometimes we are in a situation in which strangers stand or sit in our personal or even private space, like a crowded bus or metro and there is no space for sitting, or in movie theaters and conferences -which you should sit beside strangers, or in elevators.


In these situations how we can respect others’ personal space?

Eye contact is the most important factor. If one's arm pushes ours in this situation, it doesn't matter for us. But if his/her face is in front of ours and looks directly in our eyes, we feel stressed. Therefore, this is eye contact which plays the main role in creating a sense of stress or intimacy for us.

Now I want to provide you some general rules for personal space but remember that these rules are different on the basis of culture and situation. And these are more serious in first meetings and when you don’t know each other yet:

1. Never touch a person you don’t know.
2. Stand at least 120 cm away from others unless you know them well.
3. Don’t touch others’ kids. No matter what your intention. (And you should ask your kids to inform you whenever someone attempts to touch them inappropriately.)
4. Observe other people’s body language. When someone leans away from you it means you are probably standing in his/her personal space and you disturbed his safety and comfort. So take a step back.
5. If you enter a theater or movie that is not crowded, leave an extra seat between you and the next person. However, sitting next to others is acceptable if the room is crowded.
6. Never lean over a person’s shoulder to read something unless he/she invites you to read a text in his/her hand (This point is true for others’ PC monitors too, regardless of whether it’s your co-worker or family member)
7. Never search through the belongings of others which they are holding or carrying. A person’s belongings are part of their personal space. (These include electronic tools like a cellphone and laptop, or book and documents or clothes and etc.)
8. Respect the personal space of others on road too. It means that when you are driving, don’t get so close to others’ cars. (Safety distance is not just important for driving laws but also for mental safety of persons too and we should respect them)
9. Don’t put your arm around someone’s shoulder or slap his/her back unless you know him/her very well.
10. Don’t enter others’ room or office without knocking first.
11. Don’t mess up the queue and don’t cut in front of people in line. (Respect your turn and that of others’.)

Now if someone invades your personal space or doesn’t respect it, what should we do?

When someone get so close to you which you feel discomfort, maybe he/she doesn’t know its signs or he/she is from a larger society, or you have an anxious personality and you have a larger personal space than him. In this case, you have several options to choose. But remember that saying it bluntly may cause bad feelings and make others embarrassed, so before you react to this situation think with yourself: Does it worth to react like that or no?

What are the ways for dealing with this situation?

1. Accept it (no bad reaction)
2. Make a distance between your body and the other person (body sign). Hoping he/she will take your sign and take a step back.
3. Say it frankly, it doesn’t make you feel good and comfort when somebody stand so close to you.
4. Explain why you need more personal space. For example, if you are a left-handed person and
5. He/she is so close to your left side, you can say you need more space for easier writing and your arm doesn’t touch his/hers. 
6. If he didn’t notice you can carrying something, like a cup of coffee or tea or something like a book or a file. It makes a barrier between you.

References

1) Communication Studies, Proxemics, Copyright 2015 by Communication Studies

2) Weithers, Dora: Rights and Responsibilities in Our Personal Space, Copyright 2018

3) Mayne, Debby: Etiquette Rules of Defining Personal Space, Copyright 2019

                                                        

Meet our newest contributor, Sima Sadat Doshmanfana Yazdi. She is an Etiquette Teacher and Coach (Business Etiquette) in Iran. She has her BA of English Translation and MA of Tourism Management and now she is a University Lecturer and English to Persian Translator too. She started Etiquette teaching in Iran since late 2016 with the name of (Persian) Miss Etiquette and launched Etiquetteland.com one year later. She is the author of 2 Books and 2 eBooks in Etiquette area (in Farsi):

2 Books:

- Etiquette dar kasbo kar (Etiquette in business)

- Moshtari Robayie: Etiquette-e-moshtarimadari (Customer attracting:Customer Service Etiquette) 

2 eBooks:

- Etiquette-e-kasb-o-kar-e-beynolmelal dar - Rusiyeh (International Business Etiquette In Russia)

- Obour az Sadd-e-Mosahebeh (Passing Over Job Interviewarrier)

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Teaching Respect and Courtesy

Children should be helped to discover that loveliness toward others gets for them what they want. In other words they get what they give. They make the discovery that more pleasures and satisfactions accrue to them if they give pleasure and satisfaction to others. We may cultivate in the hearts of our children this feeling or desire, this urge to please others. It is a spiritual asset, caught as well as taught. 

Tuning in with Our Children

YESTERDAY – I had no desire to preach a sermon on the desirability of parents practicing courtesy toward each other because of the effect on their children. It isn’t necessary to sermonize because everyone appreciates the charm and beauty and desirability of such behavior. Courtesy and respect for each other reflect a fine sweet spirit; they are the product of harmony and love. How to produce this inner harmony is the problem for parents and teachers. That inner desire, that feeling of harmony and love and desire to be courteous to the other fellow is a product of stimulation. The discovery that courtesy pays big dividends stimulates one to feel that way.

CHILDREN PAID IN KIND – Children should be helped to discover that loveliness toward others gets for them what they want. In other words they get what they give. They make the discovery that more pleasures and satisfactions accrue to them if they give pleasure and satisfaction to others. We may cultivate in the hearts of our children this feeling or desire, this urge to please others. It is a spiritual asset, caught as well as taught. 

RESERVE OF LOVELINESS – Our children may catch loveliness by exposure to others who practice it. And they build up a great reserve of loveliness by continually practicing thoughtfulness for others. Every parent and teacher should know that it is not enough merely to create a desire in the heart of a child to practice courtesy. Many a child finds it extremely difficult to act the way he should act, or the way he would like to act. The child tries and fails. Becomes discouraged. Our turn is to stand-by and see that his efforts to practice courtesy are crowned with success.

UNDERSTANDING NEEDED – We must help the child to a definite understanding of his problem. He must be aware of the habit he wishes to break and the new habit he wishes to form. We must help the child define these habits in terms of specific behavior situations. We must help him to determine exactly what to do and what not to do. And keep the following admonitions in mind at all times: Treat the child with the same courtesy and respect that you desire from him.

PRAISE FOR COURTESY – When the child does an especially courteous act, remember to make him happy about it. Give him a thrill. Make the good popular; give it a good reputation. In other words advertise goodness in an attractive way. – By James Samuel Lacy, 1933

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Of Courtesy, Cops and Drivers

Not a citation, but a marriage certificate – Imagine the surprise of this couple, George W. Williams and Mrs. Ellen Jones, when a traffic officer appeared in response to their call for a minister to marry them. Traffic cop, William Norton of the Seattle police force, happens to be a regularly ordained minister, so Mrs. Jones became Mrs. Williams in jig time after Officer Norton parked his motorcycle outside and entered with his Bible.

Courtesy Drives Success in Life

• No matter what kind of machine you drive, courtesy will get you farther at the end of the day than anything else. 
• Courtesy does more to smooth out the bad bumps in the road than balloon tires and shock absorbers. 
• Courtesy saves you money in police court. 
• Courtesy is a substitute for almost everything a man can have except brains, and it can even be used as a substitute for brains. 
• If motor-cops and other traffic officers set a better example in courtesy than some of them do, the average motorist would profit by that example.
• Safe motor driving is not promoted by the traffic officer whose ideas and conversation, lumped to consists of  “Hey there, whadya think you’re doin’?” The average man responds a lot faster to kindness than to abuse.
• Traffic officers will find that the habit of courtesy will do more to make them successful in their jobs than any other one factor. 
• Courtesy is not only the most important rule of the road for drivers and policemen. It opens the best way through life for us all—afoot or on horseback. 

“Life is not so short but that there is always time enough for courtesy,” said Emerson. 

“A moral, sensible, and well-bred man will not affront me and no other can.” So wrote the poet Cowper. Therein he told the whole story. Fear is the great foe of life. Courtesy disarms even fear. 

James T. Fields wrote beautifully of courtesy. He said:  

“How sweet and gracious, even in common speech is that fine sense which men call Courtesy! Wholesome as air and genial as the light, welcome in every clime as breath of flowers. It transmutes aliens into trusting friends. And gives its owner passport round the globe.” 

                              – John Carlyle for San Pedro News, 1927 

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Jekyll and Hyde Manners

Please, no crooked or extended pinky fingers! – One mark of the unpolished man is his obvious eagerness to appear polished. Never is it more noticeable than at a formal dinner. Hoisting a teacup, he crooks his little finger. Instead of wiping his mouth with a napkin, he purses his lips and “pat-pats” them.

  Exposing the Unpolished Man

One mark of the polished man is that he doesn’t knock himself out being polished. He may have committed a dozen etiquette books to memory but doesn’t flaunt the fact. He’s casual and unaffected. His good manners seem to flow spontaneously from innate good taste, breeding and a flair for the appropriate. He doesn't wear his savoir-faire on his sleeve. 

One mark of the unpolished man is his obvious eagerness to appear polished. Never is it more noticeable than at a formal dinner. Hoisting a teacup, he crooks his little finger. Instead of wiping his mouth with a napkin, he purses his lips and “pat-pats” them. He makes a big fuss over which fork to use and finally, when told to copy his hostess, bugs this lady by scrutinizing her every move. Determined to please, he dislpleases his hostess. Before embarrassing his hostess by reporting a smudge on his spoon, he –charitably and conspicuously – cleans it with his napkin. He makes a great to-do about transferring his fork from left to right hand after cutting his meat, unaware that Europeans have been eating with their left hands for centuries and disdain the American's clumsy crisscross method. 

The unpolished man frequently has two sets of table manners – dowdy ones for home, and “Sunday-go-to-meeting ones” for company. This is doubly unfortunate. First, schizophrenic table manners fool no one. Secondly, the owner slights his taste buds. Frequently, he is practicing an etiquette that went out years ago, if it ever existed. He will risk ptomaine, for example, rather than remove suspect food from his mouth. He will eat cold filet rather than begin eating before all 40 guests are served. And finally, before reaching a few inches for a vegetable, he will inconvenience his neighbor to pass it or forego a second serving. 

But endeavoring to be Mr. Hyde at one’s own table and Dr. Jekyll at everyone else’s, may have even cruder consequences. They involve a man’s family. His wife, seeing him in both roles, silently, or perhaps not so silently, deplores the hypocrisy of it all. And his children, rarely privileged to see his good company manners, have no alternative but to copy his bad at-home ones.

Q and A on P’s and Q’s 
(Q) "Is it wrong to cut salad with a knife?" N.R. 
(A) It used to be, but expediency and the advent of the head-lettuce salad have made a fossil of this particular taboo. If you don't need a knife, naturally don't use one. But if you need one and a salad knife isn't provided, don't hesitate to use your table knife. – By Don Goodwin, 1963

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Holiday Card Etiquette

When you're addressing a Christmas card to a business acquaintance, it’s best if you send the card to the office. When there is also a social relationship, the card can go to the home. 

Who’s Name Where?

KANSAS CITY, Mo. (UPI) When a Christmas card is from the entire family, father's name should come first, then mother’s, and finally the children, listed in order of their age, according to an authority from Hallmark Cards. When you're addressing a Christmas card to a business acquaintance, it’s best if you send the card to the office. When there is also a social relationship, the card can go to the home. – LaHabra Star News, 1964

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

Dining with British Royalty

A typical 19th century “game plate.” – The “game course” was once a staple of fine dining and expensive sets of “game plates” were purchased by fastidious hosts and hostesses, to serve the game on to each of their dinner guests. In Gilded Age dining, after the roast course, the game course was next in order (if it was included, as it generally was in an elaborate dinner). Celery was the appropriate accompaniment of the game course. The salad was sometimes served with the game; otherwise it followed as a course by itself. According to gunsonpegs.com, the Pheasant Shooting season runs from the 1st October – 1st February in Great Britain, however in Northern Ireland the Pheasant Shooting season runs from the 1st October – 31st January.

The Ever-Present Pheasant

There can be no doubt about pheasant being the favorite game dish of the Queen and Prince Philip, and when in season it appears repeatedly on the Royal menu. For this reason there is always a large number of pheasants stored in the giant deep-freeze, which the Queen had installed in the palace kitchens some years ago. Previous to this, selected game and fish were sent to several deep-freeze stores in London for the palace kitchens to draw upon when required. 

In addition to pheasant, the Queen's chefs keep a healthy supply of game deep-frozen in readiness, as seen from this typical palace list:

• 55 pheasants 

• 33 partridges 

• 21 woodcock 

• 20 grouse 

• 3 snipe 

• sand grouse 

• venison

• 33 salmon 

• 4 lb prawns 

• 2 lobsters

At Balmoral and Sandringham the success of the hunting and shooting on the moors and fields always has a direct bearing on the main course for dinner which is why grouse, venison, pheasant and partridge appear in a variety of forms with great regularity. After the Court returned to London from Balmoral, the Royal family would also hold regular shooting parties in Windsor Great Park. 

An individual “bird knife and fork” in the Chantilly sterling pattern. The game course could consist of partridge, pheasant, duck, woodcock, snipe or other popular birds eaten in the 1800's. The steel-bladed bird knife was the forerunner of the stainless steel, steak knife we know today, after a serrated edge was added.

In the days of Edward VII there were lavish supplies of hot food for the Royal shooting parties, even though it was relatively simple by his standards. A typical picnic lunch might consist of mulligatawny soup and Scotch broth, stewed mutton, hashed venison, Irish stew and game pies. For dessert there would be plum pudding and apple tart. – From the book, “Dinner at Buckingham Palace”

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Basic Holiday Party Manners

Always try to be a happy conversationalist. (If you're not good at small talk, be an enthusiastic listener!) - Photo source, Pinterest

Q. This is my first big holiday season and the list of parties is almost endless. I am terrified that I may commit some social error and not even know it. Are there any definite party going rules one could learn for insurance ?  

A. There probably are as many rules as there are parties, but here are three tips which provide a general rule of thumb: 

• Always try to be helpful, cooperative about any special party plans, and a happy conversationalist. (If you're not good at small talk, be an enthusiastic listener!)  
• Be as thoughtful about the family and their home as you would want people to be about your own. 
• Express your thanks for a good time and leave promptly when the party is over. These guideposts should make you the most popular guest of the season. – Junior Miss Etiquette Advice by Miss Deb, November 1964

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia